Why Conflict In Your Relationship Can Be A Good Thing

How do you handle conflict with your partner? 

Every relationship deals with conflict at some point or another. Both parties might not always be aware of the conflict, but conflict is there all the same. It seems wild that conflict can actually have a positive effect on a relationship, but in truth, conflict is an opportunity.  

Have you ever been upset with someone, and kept it to yourself, for whatever reason? It probably makes sense in your head - getting your feelings out in the open might hurt the other person’s feelings, leading to a conflict that you don’t feel emotionally or physically prepared for. Avoiding conflict then seems to make sense. Instead of rocking the boat and saying how you really feel, you can just keep it all inside and hope it goes away. 

That doesn’t sound like a great plan, does it? Avoiding conflict by burying your feelings isn’t actually helpful long term. Constantly swallowing your feelings for the sake of the other person is a recipe for resentment after a while. Resentment is really an emotional distance between you and your partner, so avoiding conflict for the sake of the relationship is counterintuitive, anyway. The tradeoff is basically this: have an awkward, uncomfortable, probably emotional conversation or keep it to yourself and create distance in the relationship. It’s up to you to decide if the relationship is worth the conflict to you. 

Sometimes, the conflict won’t be worth it. There’s the old saying about knowing when to pick your battles, and it applies to relationships, too. Not everything is worth an argument, but make sure you’re choosing to avoid an argument for the right reasons, instead of just to avoid the conflict. 

Conflict is inevitable, and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, conflict can just be a sign that there is a need for more communication. Here are some of the reasons why conflict is actually a good thing in relationships: 

Conflict leads to change

Instead of framing conflict as a fight with your partner, think about it as a tool to facilitate change in your relationship. Nothing can stay the same forever, and when you and your partner butt heads, it’s probably a sign that something needs to change. It’s a great opportunity to open up the lines of communication and see what can be improved. 

 Conflict can let you feel closer to your partner

Instead of a “me versus you” mentality, think about it as “us versus the problem”. It can feel really liberating to communicate freely with your partner, even when you know it might lead to conflict, especially if you know that conflict isn’t the end of a relationship. When you feel seen and heard by your partner, you may start to feel closer to them. 

Get to know your partner better 

One key to successful conflict is empathy. If you can empathize with your partner and try to see where they’re coming from, it might be easier to see why they do and say the things they do. Conflict also lets you see if you and your partner draw the same conclusions about a situation. Remember, just because you think it or feel it, doesn’t mean it’s true.  You might think you know the root cause of their behavior, but the truth might surprise you. 

Conflict tells us what’s really important to us

What gets you upset? That’s a quick way to figure out what’s important to you. You’ll probably have to do some self-reflection on this, but when you are in conflict with someone, try to get to the root cause. Are you mad that your partner bailed on your plans? Or are you worried they don’t value spending time with you? See if you can investigate your feelings to find out what the cause of your upset is.  

Conflict lets you practice communication

One thing that is pretty universal is that we’re not as good at communicating as we think we are. A lot of times, we expect people to read our minds somehow instead of being up front about what we need. When you experience conflict with a partner, it’s a chance to level up your communication. You can figure out how to make each other feel seen, how to apologize to and comfort one another, and you can figure out the nuances of each communication style. Once you figure out how to effectively communicate with your partner, you will probably feel safer talking to them about serious or emotional topics. 

Are you ready to experience successful conflict with your partner? Get in touch with us today to find support as you and your partner go on this journey together. 

therapists in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

18 Beautiful Quotes About Intimacy and Love

Intimacy is often confused with sex, but in actuality it involves feeling deeply emotionally connected with another person and a desire to be deeply known. Intimacy is not something achieved quickly, but rather something that continues to mature and develop over time, like a garden or fine wine. Although intimacy is something many of us long for, not all of us find or experience it in our relationships. This is because intimacy involves being vulnerable — taking emotional risks and working through the fear of allowing another person to see you as you truly are. It involves trust, caring, acceptance, safety, and connection. To nurture intimacy is to be willing to show all sides of yourself, to embrace differences, to grow from conflict, and to choose our partners — the individuals we share our hearts with — wisely.

Below are 18 quotes on intimacy and love demonstrating their beauty and timelessness.

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”

— John Joseph Powell, The Secret of Staying in Love

“I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other’s wounds; they repair the broken skin.”

— Lauren Oliver

“Most people are slow to champion love because they fear the transformation it brings into their lives. And make no mistake about it: love does take over and transform the schemes and operations of our egos in a very mighty way.”

— Aberjhani

“True love is not a hide and seek game: in true love, both lovers seek each other.”

— ichael Bassey Johnson

“The deepest moments of intimacy occur when you’re not talking.”

— Patricia Love

“Can the purpose of a relationship be to trigger our wounds? In a way, yes, because that is how healing happens; darkness must be exposed before it can be transformed. The purpose of an intimate relationship is not that it be a place where we can hide from our weaknesses, but rather where we can safely let them go. It takes strength of character to truly delve into the mystery of an intimate relationship, because it takes the strength to endure a kind of psychic surgery, an emotional and psychological and even spiritual initiation into the higher Self. Only then can we know an enchantment that lasts.”

— Marianne Williamson

“They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Love is like breathing. You take it in and let it out.”

— Wally Lamb

“Intimacy is a totally different dimension. It is allowing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself.”

— Osho

“Real intimacy is a sacred experience. It never exposes its secret trust and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture. Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved.”

— John O'Donohue

“Intimacy is not something that just happens between two people; it is a way of being alive. At every moment, we are choosing either to reveal ourselves or to protect ourselves, to value ourselves or to diminish ourselves, to tell the truth or to hide. To dive into life or to avoid it. Intimacy is making the choice to be connected to, rather than isolated from, our deepest truth at that moment.”

— Geneen Roth

“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”

— Jane Austen

“If you love a person and live the whole life with him or with her, a great intimacy will grow and love will have deeper and deeper revelations to make to you. It is not possible if you go on changing partners very often. It is as if you go on changing a tree from one place to another, then another; then it never grows roots anywhere. To grow roots, a tree needs to remain in one place. Then it goes deeper; then it becomes stronger. Intimacy is good, and to remain in one commitment is beautiful, but the basic necessity is love. If a tree is rooted in a place where there are only rocks and they are killing the tree, then it is better to remove it. Then don’t insist that it should remain in the one place. Remain true to life – remove the tree, because now it is going against life.”

— Osho

“If fear is the great enemy of intimacy, love is its true friend.”

— Henri Nouwen

“Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling.”

— Joyce Brothers

“My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.”

— Maya Angelou

“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.”

— Ann Landers

“To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well.”

— John Gray

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Therapist in mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

19 Powerful Brene Brown Quotes on Embracing Vulnerability, Love, and Belonging

Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor whose work on vulnerability, shame, empathy has inspired millions of people to embrace imperfection, to hope and love wholeheartedly. Her words are especially powerful for those of us who never quite comfortable in our own skin, who feel as if we have to ‘hustle’ for love or worthiness. If you’ve ever felt this way — felt as if you’re never quite enough — read her words and be reminded that we’re all in this together. You’re beautiful in your vulnerability. You’re worthy. You belong.

Brene Brown Quotes on Vulnerability, Love, and Belonging

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

— Brené Brown

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”

— Brené Brown

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

— Brené Brown

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

— Brené Brown

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

— Brené Brown

“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

— Brené Brown

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

— Brené Brown

“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.”

— Brené Brown

“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”

— Brené Brown

“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”

— Brené Brown

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”

— Brené Brown

“Numb the dark and you numb the light.”

— Brené Brown

“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”

— Brené Brown

“Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.”

— Brené Brown

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”

— Brené Brown

“The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect.”

— Brené Brown

“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”

— Brené Brown

“I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness–it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.”

— Brené Brown

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.”

— Brené Brown

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Therapist in mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!