What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t

What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t

How do you feel about forgiveness? We’ve all been hurt by someone. People are all different, and so what is hurtful to them will also differ from person to person. We tend to see forgiveness as a one-off event, but it’s actually a process that can bring up complex emotions. 

What forgiveness is 

Forgiveness might mean different things to different people, but in general it is “a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve it”, according to UC Berkeley. 

Being upset and hurt isn’t a great feeling. One way that some people relieve those feelings is to practice forgiveness. The act of forgiving someone who hurt you may come with benefits. Some people who practice forgiveness find that it helps to lower feelings of anxiety and hostility, healthier relationships, and improved self-esteem. Certain folks may find that forgiving is helpful to their healing, and others might find that it doesn’t make much of a difference. 

When you’re upset, it’s tempting to ruminate on the negative feelings like anger, betrayal, confusion, and sadness. Some people find that the process of forgiveness can help relieve those negative feelings and allow you to focus on more positive things. 

Forgiveness is a process

It’s unlikely that you’ll go from being resentful toward someone to forgiving them all at once. Part of forgiveness is working through the feelings of hurt and resentment that you feel, and that takes time. You may find that things you thought you had moved past still cause distress for you, and the process may seem to go backwards. If that happens, there’s nothing wrong with you. Forgiveness takes time and work and you don’t have to go any faster than you’re ready for. 

Forgiveness is hard

Forgiveness is an emotionally charged concept. We have a lot of preconceived notions about what forgiveness is, but these aren’t always true. It can bring up some uncomfortable feelings or memories, and it may make you feel anxious or depressed when you think about it. It may be helpful to journal about what forgiveness brings up for you so you can start to make sense of patterns and beliefs, and get more familiar with the messages your emotions are sending to you. 

Forgiveness is personal

Forgiving someone is a personal choice that you make yourself. Sometimes, other people may pressure you to forgive someone, but that is not their choice to make. Forgiving someone for hurting you involves a lot of tricky, emotional work, and only the person doing that work can make that choice. 

Forgiveness is for you, not them 

Forgiveness is about the person doing the forgiving, not the person being forgiven. Forgiveness can be an opportunity to release the hurt you’ve been carrying and move forward. It’s hard to be in pain. It’s uncomfortable, and feeling consumed with negative thoughts and feelings is tiring. Forgiving others can be a chance to move past the hurt and toward a sense of peace. 

What forgiveness isn’t

Forgiveness is a lot of things, but it’s also important to remember what it is not. Here are some things to keep in mind about forgiving: 

Forgiveness is not forgetting 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to forget what happened. When you forgive someone, you are choosing to release your feelings of hurt or resentment, but that doesn’t have to wipe your memory clean. It’s okay to remember that you were hurt, and keep it in mind when interacting with this person. Remember, forgiving just means that you release your feelings of resentment - not that you pretend it never happened. 

Forgiveness is not approval

Similarly, forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was okay. Approval has nothing to do with forgiveness. You can forgive someone and know that what they did was not okay. You may be able to have empathy for where they were coming from, or understand that everyone makes mistakes, but you don’t have to approve of what happened. 

Forgiveness is not trust

Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to trust them again. Trust is something that is built and maintained between two people. It’s certainly possible to rebuild trust with someone, but both parties need to be on board. It’s okay to choose not to trust someone who has harmed you. It’s okay to wait until they’ve shown you they’ve changed or that they are committed to rebuilding your relationship before you even put trust on the table. Take it at your pace.

Forgiveness is not passive

Forgiveness takes work. Some hurts heal with time, but most of the time, we have to work through them. Forgiveness requires us to honestly reflect on the ways in which we were harmed, and that can be difficult or even traumatic. If you find that you’re having a hard time with the idea of forgiveness, you may find that talking about it with a therapist can help give you new perspective. Therapy is a safe place to explore the ins and outs of what happened, how it affected you, how the other person has tried to repair things, and where to go next.

Forgiveness is not required

It’s also important to note that forgiveness is not required. It’s helpful to understand what forgiveness is and isn’t so that you can make an informed decision about whether forgiveness is the right choice for you. You are under no obligation to forgive someone who harmed you, even if people tell you otherwise. Forgiving someone doesn’t make you a better person or magically heal you. It can make you feel less resentful and give you some closure, but that’s not the case for everyone. 

A therapist can help you decide if forgiveness is right for you and your situation and help you process your feelings about this process. If you’re interested in talking to someone, contact us today.