9 Blogs to Help You Navigate Difficult Parenting Moments

Being a parent is a hard job, and unfortunately it doesn’t come with an instruction manual. 

For most of us, what we learn about parenting is what we observed from our own families, and maybe some professionally recommended books here and there. But there are so many parts of parenthood that we may not even realize what we need to know until we need to know it.

We know how hard it is to be a parent, and how isolating it can feel to need help but not know where to go for it. As a jumping off point, we’ve gathered all of the parenting resources from our blog to date, and put them together here for you, as a mini parenting resource toolkit. 

To support your child’s wellbeing:

Anxiety is a common feeling that we all experience from time to time. However, sometimes that feeling starts to overwhelm and interfere with our daily lives–that’s when it becomes an issue we need support managing. Navigating this with your child or teen is hard! You may not be sure if their behavior is “normal” levels of anxiety, or if they’re showing you that they need help.

Sometimes when anxious, children may begin to avoid certain triggering situations and events, such as peers, teachers, or school itself. The avoidance then serves to maintain the anxiety and to worsen it over time. As a parent, how can you help your child break free of anxiety, out of their mind and into their life? If you’re looking to help your child or teen manage their anxiety in a healthy, productive way, check out: 

• 24 Resources for Children and Teens with Anxiety and Their Families

• What parents of anxious children should know about anxiety

• What to Teach Your Child About Worry

Similar to anxiety, it can be hard to identify the difference common child and teen behavior, mood changes, and depression that needs treatment. And when you’ve recognized that your child or teen does need help, it may be hard to know where to go. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, wanting to support them but not quite sure how. For this, we’ve organized 26 different resources for parents whose children are struggling with depression: 

• 26 Depression Resources for Kids, Teens, and Parents

Parenting a child with chronic pain is challenging. Not only is it difficult to see your child in pain, but parents often feel helpless, stuck, and unsure of what to do to help ease the pain and mitigate its impacts on their child’s life and daily functioning. For instance, children with chronic pain often begin to miss school, become socially isolated, and feel increasingly depressed and anxious over time. So how can parents help support their children get back to life and functioning even in the face of pain? Start here:

• 3 Tips for Parenting a Child with Chronic Pain

To support your own wellbeing:

Dealing with parenting stress and anxiety is necessary for so many parents, but many don’t have the resources or the time to make changes to cope. It’s not right that parents are spread so thin, and there should be more protections for parents and families coming from our government–and there are a lot of people out there working toward just that. As change comes slowly, parents feel forced to do it all, often not knowing how to rely on their communities to fill in the gaps, which leaves them stuck with bandaid solutions to help lower stress levels–so they can get up again and do it the next day. If you’re struggling with parenting stress and anxiety, we’ve mapped out a few coping skills to help you not feel so drained: 

• 7 Tips for Coping with Parenting Stress

Parenting can already feel like driving somewhere new without a map–when you add in managing chronic pain on top of that, it can be hard to find resources that speak to your experience. The trouble is, when we feel isolated, asking for help becomes harder, when it’s often the very thing we need to do. Working with a therapist can help you manage the potential isolation and grief that comes along with having a chronic illness, and work with you as you gain confidence asking for help and leaning on your support network. Here are some tips for how to manage your role as parent while being realistic about how chronic pain impacts your life: 

• Parenting with Chronic Pain

One of the seven tips to help with parenting stress is to rely on your community. We need community to survive so many things, and parenting is no different. It’s increasingly hard to raise a family without help from your community, whether that be family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, or someone else. But how do you go about cultivating that community? Here are a few tips to start: 

• Cultivating Strong Community Ties for Better Mental Health

To support the wellbeing of your parent/child relationship: 

Effective communication is harder than we may think it is! It’s not how we typically learn to listen and communicate. In fact, most of us usually listen in order to respond instead of in order to really hear what the other person is saying. And while it is not usually intended to be harmful or malicious, it can cause misunderstandings, miscommunication, and feelings of being ignored, or resentment. This is especially harmful in conversation with teenagers who rely on you to be a safe space for support! Here’s a guide on what effective communication with teenagers looks like, and tips on how to cultivate it: 

• 3 Tips for More Effective Communication with Your Teen

Are you looking for more support with parenting? Working with a therapist on parenting concerns can help you find more ways to cope and build your confidence as a parent. Get in touch with our office today to get started.

Parenting with Chronic Pain

Living with chronic pain is challenging–and parenting with chronic pain is a challenge that feels like it comes with little support. 

Parenting can already feel like driving somewhere new without a map–when you add in managing chronic pain on top of that, it can be hard to find resources that speak to your experience. There are a lot of limitations that come with experiencing chronic pain that just aren’t factored in with typical parenting advice. This can make parenting–where your whole world is about your child, and you already feel a little removed from your “adult” social circles–feel even more isolating. 

The trouble is, when we feel isolated, asking for help becomes harder, when it’s often the very thing we need to do. Working with a therapist can help you manage the potential isolation and grief that comes along with having a chronic illness, and work with you as you gain confidence asking for help and leaning on your support network. 

In the meantime, here are 5 tips to help you show up as a parent with chronic pain: 

Set expectations with your child: 

In order to set reasonable expectations with your child, you need to be openly communicative, and come from a place of compassion. Remember, everything you just know is something they still need to learn, and probably learn more than once! Especially when it comes to your body and its limitations; unless they experience chronic pain themselves, kids tend not to be as bogged down by pain or fatigue as adults, so they don’t have personal experience to draw from when trying to understand.  Be clear about what type of pain you have, what you need to do or avoid to manage that pain, and when the pain is preventing you from participating in their play or activities, let them know what’s happening for you

Practice open and vulnerable communication: 

If you can practice open and vulnerable communication with your child you can set expectations with them about what your body can handle, and make space for their feelings. 

Remember, even if they know what you’re going through, they still may have hurt feelings about it. Let them know it’s okay when they’re feelings are hurt and assure them you’re not upset with them, punishing them, and that you wish you could be there how they wanted to. 

Normalize accepting help: 

While remembering that your role as parent is naturally going to make this exchange uneven, it can be beneficial for your child to practice offering and having their assistance accepted. Be sure not to slip into the habit of treating them as your caregiver, but if you let your child know what you’re struggling with and they offer some help (getting you a glass of water, finding the pain relievers you need, etc.) instead of saying no or that you can do it yourself, offer gratitude and accept the help! These small exchanges can help reach your child that asking for help can strengthen relationships, not weaken them, and that offering help–even in small ways–can provide support for loved ones. 

Tap into your support system: 

When you have low energy or high pain days, are their friends or family you can reach out to for support? Plenty of people in your community want an active role in your child’s life, and having secure intergenerational relationships with adults who aren’t their parents is good for kids! On days when you’re struggling, instead of feeling guilty each time you have to tell your kids you can’t play because you’re in too much pain, see if a loved one can take them for part of the day. Let them know you’re going to rest up while they’re gone and hope to feel a bit better so you can hear all about their day–and then an auntie or uncle can take them to a museum or a movie or a park or just spend time with them at their house. Normalizing this within your community of parents is also great, because it strengthens everyone’s confidence in asking for and offering help! 

Try to plan ahead for big events: 

If your child has their first school play, you want to be there! While flare ups are not always avoidable, there are often some things that can trigger or exacerbate them, and some things that are more effective than others in reducing and managing flare ups. Try to be extra conscious of these things around big events for your child, that way you can minimize the risk of flare ups happening unexpectedly when they want you to show up for them. 

If you would like more support in coping with chronic illness or parenting with chronic pain, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help. Reach out today to make an appointment! 

6 Signs It's Time for Couples Counseling

Is it time for you and your partner to start couples counseling?

When you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, it can feel hopeless and frightening. You might wonder what you can do to repair the connection you have and feel like a team again. Couples counseling can make a big difference in the way you communicate and connect with your partner.

There’s no perfect time to start couples counseling, but it’s true that couples often wait for a very long time to get support after they start having problems. The negative patterns that lead to disconnection have more time to get ingrained the longer you wait to change them. Relationship therapy can help you unpack those patterns, no matter when you and your partner choose to come in. 

There are a lot of misconceptions about couples therapy that can lead to couples waiting to get support.

First, couples counseling doesn’t have to be a last resort. You don’t even have to be going through something serious to start couples counseling. It can even be a good idea to start therapy before you have major issues, so that you have a solid foundation of communication skills and healthy conflict patterns when things come up.

Next, attending couples therapy doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with your relationship or that you’ve failed in any way. Relationships are hard, and when there’s dysfunction in our important relationships, it can impact all parts of your life. Seeing a therapist to help your relationship 

It’s also important to note that couples counseling isn’t a quick fix. Therapy of any type takes work, and there are times when it will be hard or distressing. But there are also major benefits of couples therapy, including: 

• Learning and practicing tools for healthy communication

• Repairing and rebuilding emotional connection

• Finding growth as a couple

• Discussing current areas of improvement 

• Establishing a stable foundation for the future

• Strengthening intimacy

• Regaining warmth, closeness, and support

• Finding ways to resolve issues causing distress

• Making decisions in alignment with each other and your values

• Feeling confident in your ability to get through future issues

What brings couples to couples counseling?

There are lots of reasons why couples seek out couples therapy. While counseling can be immensely helpful during moments of relationship crisis, it’s not the only thing that brings couples to therapy. 

These are just some of the reasons why couples start therapy:

• Communication issues

• Emotional distance

• Intimacy issues

• Affairs & infidelity

• General relationship dissatisfaction

• Navigating conflict

• Rebuilding trust

• Work-life balance difficulties

• Parenting differences

• Difficulties with in-laws or family members

• Substance use

• Differences in values

• Family planning and whether to have children

• Managing parenting differences

• Fairly dividing household and relationship labor

• Blended family dynamics

• Codependency

There’s no right or wrong reason to start seeing a couples counselor. But if you’re wondering when it’s time to start couples counseling with your partner, here are some signs: 

It’s been on your mind

If you’re reading this article, clearly this topic is on your mind. Of course, you don’t have to act on every thought you have, but if this is something you keep coming back to, it can be a sign that it’s the right time to talk about it with your partner and look for a relationship counselor. 

Trust has been broken

It’s really hard to be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust. Trust being broken between romantic partners can be hard to recover from, but it’s a lot harder without the support and guidance of an experienced couples therapist. If you’re struggling with trust in your relationship, therapy can help you work through the painful emotions and rebuild trust and safety. 

You don’t communicate well with each other

Like trust, communication is essential for healthy relationships. If you don’t communicate well, it can feel impossible to interact, even about small things. Feeling like you can’t talk to the person you love can be heartbreaking! Couples counseling can help you discover your negative communication patterns and practice healthier ways to communicate with one another.  

You’re stuck in conflict

It’s normal to have conflict in relationships, but it’s not normal to fight all of the time. Even when you disagree, it’s possible to end conflicts so that you don’t get caught in a cycle of fighting. Research actually shows that most conflicts between couples can’t be easily solved and are perpetual, so it’s crucial to learn how to move forward from those moments. Relationship therapy can help you handle conflict in a healthier way.

There’s emotional distance

Disconnection can be painful in romantic relationships. When there’s a lack of intimacy, whether that be emotional or physical or both, it’s distressing and often hard to talk about. A couples therapist can help you find ways to have hard conversations while helping each other feel safe. 

You’re going through a big life transition

Life transitions are major sources of stress, and stress can wreak havoc on our close relationships. If you’re already at your limit with stress, finding time for therapy might not seem appealing, but it can be a game-changer to give yourself another source of support when you’re going through a difficult time. 

Are you interested in couples counseling? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer therapy for couples in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. Get in touch with us here to get started.

What You Should Know About Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)

Did you know that there’s a treatment for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that’s been shown to be effective for up to 80% of people with OCD? It’s a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).

What is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)?

ERP was developed to treat OCD, and it can be an incredibly effective form of treatment for folks dealing with obsessive thoughts and compulsions. 

To understand ERP, it can help to understand more about how Obsessive Compulsive Disorder works. OCD involves intrusive thoughts that are disturbing and unwelcome. Often, these thoughts create a lot of distress for the person who is experiencing them. When these thoughts pop up and cause distress, people with OCD attempt to relieve the distress through compulsions, which may work briefly. 

After a while, though, the thoughts come back, and the cycle starts again. The compulsions that a person uses to relieve their discomfort eventually become part of their daily routine, which can get in the way of work, family, and other relationships. 

When we think of OCD, we often think of someone who is obsessed with cleaning, but that’s not actually how most people experience the disorder. People may have recurring, unwanted thoughts about harming people they care about, or that something bad will happen if they don’t follow through with their compulsions. Some people experience intrusive sexual thoughts, or thoughts of doing something violent or illegal. These thoughts are not in the control of the person experiencing them, and they can be extremely frightening. 

To try to lessen the fear they feel from these thoughts, people with OCD may develop compulsions or rituals like checking to make sure the smoke detectors work, making sure the baby is still breathing, making sure that the emergency brake is on, or checking that the security system is on. The overwhelming feeling is that if they don’t practice these compulsive rituals, something terrible will happen, and that can be an exhausting way to live. ERP was designed to interrupt this cycle and reduce the anxiety that feeds these intrusive thoughts. 

How does ERP work? 

There are two parts to ERP - the exposure and the response prevention. Within the safety of a therapist’s office, you’ll be exposed to the triggers and thoughts that cause you distress. Then, you’ll practice resisting the urge to perform the corresponding compulsions or rituals. 

First, you’ll work with your ERP therapist to determine what all of your triggers, intrusive thoughts, and compulsions are, so you can work through them in a safe place. This helps you and your therapist determine which triggers and obsessive thoughts cause you the most distress, so you can work your way up from lower levels of distress to higher levels over time. Exposure and Response Prevention works gradually. You aren’t going to be asked to confront your worst fears right away. As you move up the hierarchy of distress, you’ll gain confidence and experience, which help when it comes to the more distressing levels. 

As you’re exposed to your triggers or your intrusive thoughts in ERP therapy, you’ll learn skills from your therapist to help you learn how to sit with discomfort and resist your compulsions. Working with a therapist can help ensure you avoid replacing one compulsion with another, in addition to teaching you skills to help lower your distress level when the unwanted thoughts come up. 

Exposure and Response Prevention works for two reasons - habituation and inhibitory learning. Repeated exposure to your triggers will help you learn to tolerate your distress and discomfort more effectively, which reduces your overall distress level over time. This is known as habituation. Inhibitory learning happens when you learn that your intrusive thoughts don’t always come to pass when you’re exposed to your triggers. ERP helps to prove your obsessions wrong, which helps to lessen their impact. 

What are the benefits and drawbacks of ERP?

ERP is generally known as the gold-standard treatment for OCD, because research has shown that it can be extremely effective. However, it’s important to note that Exposure and Response Prevention takes work, and it’s not always easy. 

Confronting the things you’re afraid of can be terrifying. Effectively learning how to break the cycle of obsessions and compulsions requires work in between therapy sessions, which can be intimidating, especially at first. Folks with OCD are practiced at avoiding discomfort, so learning how to be okay with discomfort takes time and practice. 

Can ERP help with anything else?

Yes! ERP can help with disorders besides OCD, including: 

• Anxiety

• Eating disorders

• Phobias 

How to find an ERP therapist

If you or someone you know is struggling with intrusive thoughts, ERP might be a good fit. Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness have experience supporting clients who have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. 

If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com or get in touch with us here.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: 5 Things You Should Know About It

If you’re thinking of starting therapy, you’ve likely run into the term modality before. A modality is the approach a therapist takes when providing care for their patients. One of the modalities we utilize here is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). 

CBT is an approach that focuses on how our thinking patterns influence our behavioral patterns. The main idea behind CBT is that thoughts influence how we feel and act. Basically: how we act can in turn also affect how we think and feel in a given situation, and our unhelpful thoughts can then lead to unhealthy behaviors and feelings. CBT helps you to understand and break this cycle.

Here are five things you should know about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: 

1). CBT has been shown to be effective for a wide range of presenting concerns: 

CBT is an active, goal-oriented psychotherapy treatment. As a treatment, it’s been studied and shown to be highly effective in treating a wide range of people (children, adolescents, and adults) with a wide range of presenting emotional and behavioral concerns such as: 

• Depression

• Anxiety

• bipolar disorder

• Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (e.g., postpartum depression)

• Sleep

• Relationship problems

CBT has also been found to contribute to significant improvements in functioning and quality of life.

2). CBT has been studied extensively in both research and clinical practice. 

CBT is an evidence based treatment. What that means is that its efficacy has been proven to be safe and effective through extensive scientific and clinical research. This research involves thousands of patients and meticulous comparison of effects to alternative treatments. Evidence based treatments help increase the effectiveness of the treatment and helps reduce the risk of recurrence of damaging behavioral patterns. There’s heaps of scientific evidence out there showing that CBT is effective in producing meaningful change and improvements for clients.

3). One of the core principles of CBT is that problems with mood are related to unhelpful behaviors and thought patterns. 

These negative thinking patterns can influence our mood and exacerbate feelings of anxiety, depression, or other feelings of insecurity and self doubt. This can then contribute to a pattern of unhealthy behaviors–which in turn starts the cycle all over again. With CBT, these thought and behavior patterns are explored and new, healthy ways of coping are explored to effectively relieve symptoms and improve quality of life. 

4). Psychologists and clients work together collaboratively to develop goals and to actively target symptoms. 

Time is spent examining present-day issues, thoughts, and behaviors. For example: 

A teen who is depressed might think, "Everything is hopeless," or "There's no point to anything I do." 

Emotionally, these thoughts may occur with feelings of sadness, depression, apathy, and lack of motivation. Behaviorally, the depression may appear as increased isolation, withdrawal from usual activities, refusal to attend school, etc. However, these behaviors only reinforce the negative thinking patterns, and exacerbates the cycle of withdrawing from life due to a feeling that there’s no point in participating.  

For this, treatment would involve teaching the teen to identify and challenge negative thoughts, skills to cope with depressed mood (e.g., activity scheduling), and working with parents to develop a reinforcement system to encourage positive behaviors and use of coping strategies. CBT is highly collaborative, practical, and goal oriented. 

5). Because CBT is very goal oriented, there are many skills clients develop as part of the process. 

They are learning how to face fears, problem solving difficult situations, recognizing patterns of unhelpful thoughts and behaviors, and ways to calm the mind and body. Other skills taught as part of CBT include:

• Problem solving

• Communication training

• Cognitive restructuring aka learning to identify and dispute cognitive distortions. You can read more about cognitive distortions from these posts on our blog: 

• 8 Common Cognitive Distortions to Watch Out For

• 10 More Cognitive Distortions to Be Aware Of

• Managing Cognitive Distortions

• What is All or Nothing Thinking?

• Why “Should” Statements Make You Feel Worse

• Social skills training

• Relaxation training

• Behavioral activation aka intentionally practicing specific behaviors that promote a positive mental state, or avoid negative thinking traps. 

Are you interested in CBT? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer CBT therapy in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com.

What You Should Know About EMDR

Have you ever heard of EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a kind of psychotherapy that was developed in the 1980s by Francine Shapiro. Dr. Shapiro was walking outdoors in 1987

when she noticed that the distress she was feeling, related to upsetting memories, was lowered when she moved her eyes back and forth. She did further studies on this phenomenon, and eventually developed EMDR as the treatment it is today, as well as the Adaptive Information Processing model to explain how the treatment works. 

While EMDR is a newer treatment, it’s been shown to be incredibly effective in both research and in clinical settings. Many people experience a dramatic decrease in their distress level after EMDR therapy, and studies show it’s effective for many many mental health issues, including trauma, depression, anxiety, and OCD. 

How does it work?

The basic premise of EMDR is that our minds can heal wounds in the same way that our bodies can, but sometimes those wounds don’t heal correctly and cause pain long after the event in question. It’s almost like the painful memories and emotions get stuck. When this happens, we experience negative outcomes like trauma, anxiety, and other kinds of emotional and mental distress. Resolving these issues requires us to access and process these stuck memories and emotions, which happens through EMDR. 

EMDR offers a way to locate, access, and reprocess these stuck memories and emotions. The goal is to change the way the brain is storing these stuck memories so that they stop causing pain. EMDR treatment requires a clinician who is trained in EMDR, because the process of accessing and reprocessing traumatic memories is very sensitive. EMDR therapists have extensive training in the background of why EMDR works, and how to adapt it for different situations based on what the client needs.

What happens during an EMDR session? 

EMDR helps you to locate and reprocess traumatic memories, so it’s not something you can just jump into without preparation. EMDR has 8 phases, and each phase is essential, especially the phases where you work with your therapist to develop resources to help you during upsetting moments. 

• The 8 phases of EMDR are: 

• History & Treatment Planning

• Preparation

• Assessment

The first 3 phases are completed before reprocessing can begin. These phases are focused on understanding how EMDR can help the client based on their history, developing a treatment plan, building a rapport between the client and therapist, providing resources for the client to use in moments of distress, and deciding what event or memory to reprocess. 

• Desensitization

• Installation

• Body Scan

The next 3 phases are the reprocessing phases, where the client works with the therapist to access and reprocess the memory until they no longer feel distress around it. These phases include the bilateral stimulation that EMDR is famous for. Some clinicians will have you use eye movements, tapping, headphones, lights, buzzers, or tappers to direct the bilateral stimulation that allows you to access the memory networks that need reprocessing. 

• Closure

• Reevaluation

The final 2 phases help to build safety for the client as each session ends and begins. Each session will end with helping the client return to a calm state of mind, and each session will begin by checking back in to make sure that their distress level stays low around the reprocessed memory. 

Some of the phases go faster than others, and once you are ready to begin reprocessing, most of your EMDR sessions will be some combination of phases 3-8. 

What can EMDR help with?

EMDR was initially developed to help process trauma, and lessen the effects of PTSD, and it is an incredibly powerful way to treat trauma, including trauma from childhood or abuse. However, research has shown that EMDR can be helpful with a number of other mental health concerns, including: 

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Chronic Pain

• Dissociative Disorders

• Personality Disorders

• Addiction

• Eating Disorders

• Grief

• Self Esteem 

• OCD

EMDR is a treatment that can be used for children, teens, and adults. There are some situations where EMDR is not an appropriate treatment, so it’s important to check with an EMDR therapist to determine if it’s a good treatment choice for you. 

What are the benefits and drawbacks of EMDR?

One of the biggest benefits of EMDR is how effective it is as a treatment. Although it’s a newer treatment modality, there have been many studies conducted on EMDR that show it works. The data showed that EMDR was working for people before we even understood why it worked! Many organizations, including the World Health Organization, the American Psychological Association, and the US Department of Veterans Affairs recognize EMDR as an effective treatment for PTSD and other disorders.

Another major benefit of EMDR is that it doesn’t require a person to talk in detail about the distressing memories they have to reprocess them. EMDR does require you to focus on the memories, but you don’t have to put them into words. While focusing on the memories is definitely upsetting, it’s less intense than having to narrate or fully relive a traumatic memory. EMDR is also fully confined to the therapy session - you won’t have homework to do or be expected to process things on your own, everything will take place with your therapist, which can be appealing. 

Are you interested in EMDR? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer EMDR therapy in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com.

Don't Know What You're Feeling? Try This.

You’re sitting in therapy and your therapist asks the dreaded question: how are you feeling right now?

But there’s a storm of emotions in your head that you can’t decipher so you just say: I don’t know. 

This happens to all of us, and not just in therapy. There are so many moments we find ourselves not knowing what we’re feeling–maybe because we haven’t taken enough time to sit with it, or maybe because we’re feeling something in a context we’ve never felt it before–or maybe because many of us aren’t taught to recognize and have compassion for what we’re feeling when we’re feeling it. This leaves us at a disadvantage later, when it feels like our emotions are controlling instead of informing us. 

What’s the purpose of our emotions? 

Emotions can seem scary because we just aren’t taught a lot about them. When we shy away from understanding them, they become these all powerful entities that can control our lives. But the truth is, emotions (and the experience of having any emotion) is neutral. While it may feel positive or negative, the emotion itself is never a “bad” one to have. 

Emotions serve different purposes, including providing information to us about certain situations, or communicating to others how we feel. They can motivate us to act or help us avoid dangerous situations or potential threats. Emotions give us information about how we process and respond to the world around us. 

But emotions aren’t just felt in our minds, they involve what’s called a mind-body connection as what we experience is processed in our minds and felt in our bodies and physiological responses. These physical responses can be another way of your body trying to get you to pay attention to what your feelings are telling you, and to take appropriate action. Learning these physical responses can help you identify what you’re feeling when you have regular ways your feelings manifest in your body. 

Why is it so hard to figure out what we’re feeling?

The trouble with emotions is that they’re tricky. For example, some people may feel generalized anxiety and tension all day even in the absence of any threat. Others may be prone to feelings of depression and tend to interpret different situations with negative thoughts, thus in turn creating greater feelings of depression.

And, sometimes we just don’t have the vocabulary to decipher what we’re feeling.

Developing a greater awareness of your emotions can help you find ways to cope with difficult emotions that arise, make values-aligned decisions, enhance relationships with others, and develop a greater sense of self esteem. Identifying emotions and how you feel in a given situation is often the first critical step towards figuring out how best to manage them.

So how do we identify what we’re feeling if we don’t have the vocabulary for it?

One option is to browse out list of feelings here. Another method we’ll explore today is the Feelings Wheel! The feelings wheel is a great place to start if you have trouble identifying your feelings. 

The wheel starts with 7 general emotions at the center:

1. Happy 

2. Surprised 

3. Bad 

4. Fearful 

5. Angry 

6. Disgusted 

To start, you pick which of the five emotions feels closest to what you’re feeling. As the rings move outward, the terms get more and more specific. So for example, maybe you can only identify that you feel sad. If you start at sad, and go one ring out, is there a more specific feeling that fits? Maybe your sadness is actually hurt, and that hurt is embarassment. From there, you can take time to think of what it was that made you feel that way and how that feeling manifested for you. 

It may help to keep a feelings journal where you record this process. Note where you started on the feelings wheel and where you ended up. Then you can use the journal to explore how that feeling showed up in your body and what the circumstances around the feeling were. 

What happens when we don’t name our emotions?

This process can seem like a lot of work, and maybe you’re thinking it’s just not worth it! But when we don’t take time to understand our emotions, they don’t just go away. Instead, they can get more intense the longer they’re ignored, and the way they show up as physical symptoms can get more intense too. Your body wil deman you pay attention to what you’re feeling at some point. 

Not naming our emotions impacts other areas of our life as well, not just our physical health. It can also impact our relationships! Our feelings impact our behavior–if you’re feeling anxious, you’ll behave differently than when you’re feeling joy, etc. Without communicating what you’re feeling, your behavior can be interpreted incorrectly by friends and loved ones, and relationships can suffer. Understanding your feelings helps you understand how they impact how you behave with everyone in your life, and also gives you an opportunity to be open with those around about how you’re feeling so they know how to best support you. 

Learning to tune into and understand how we’re feeling is hard work, so don’t be hard on yourself if it take you a while to get to a place where you do it naturally. If you’re looking for support in this, our clinicians can help you.  

7 Tips for Coping with Parenting Stress

Being a parent is really hard.

It’s a lot to navigate the responsibilities and challenges of raising children, especially in a world as complicated as this one. Parenting, especially during the last four years, can be a bumpy ride. Dealing with the fallout of the pandemic and the way it strained caregivers, relationships, and mental health is no small feat. The way the pandemic strained our caregiving systems has left a lot of parents feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, and burned out with little relief. 

It makes sense that a lot of parents are dealing with stress and anxiety about parenting well. The world can be a scary place, and there are so many factors that parents today have to deal with that previous generations didn’t need to worry about, like social media and gun violence. It’s already nerve-wracking to be responsible for a whole person! Adding in the complications of life right now is a recipe for stress.

Dealing with parenting stress and anxiety is necessary for so many parents, but many don’t have the resources or the time to make changes to cope. It’s not right that parents are spread so thin, and there should be more protections for parents and families coming from our government–and there are a lot of people out there working toward just that. As change comes slowly, parents feel forced to do it all, often not knowing how to rely on their communities to fill in the gaps, which leaves them stuck with bandaid solutions to help lower stress levels–so they can get up again and do it the next day. 

Are you struggling with parenting stress and anxiety? You’re not alone. Below are some ways to cope with parenting stress and anxiety so you don’t feel so drained.

Be nice to yourself

It's easy for parents to be overly critical of themselves, feeling like they should be doing more or handling things better, especially during times of increased stress. However, it's important to remember that no one is perfect, and it's okay to cut yourself some slack. 

Practicing self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times. Acknowledge your efforts, even if they feel small.

Remember, you’re doing the best you can with the tools that you have, in challenging circumstances. It’s not possible to be a perfect parent, so learning how to be nice to yourself when you don’t get things right or struggle can help lower your stress levels. 

Remember to have fun

Being a kid is fun, and finding ways to connect with your child that make you both happy can help you feel more resilient to stress and anxiety. There are a lot of un-fun things about being a parent, but there’s also so many fun things to cherish. It can also be healing to take some time to look at the world the way that a child would, and rediscover that childlike wonder that makes being little so magical. 

It’s also important to carve out some time that’s just for you to have fun for yourself. It might seem frivolous to make time for fun when you’re stressed out, but denying yourself moments of joy can make stress feel worse. Moments where you’re happy and having fun can be rejuvenating to your well-being. Making time for yourself to enjoy things also sends the message to your kids that taking care of yourself is worthwhile and necessary, which is hugely important as they grow up. 

Manage your expectations

Don’t be hard on yourself for not getting more done in times of stress and anxiety. When things aren’t going well, it’s easy to feel like you need to do more and to be more, especially for your kids. It's natural for parents to want the best for their children, but it's also essential to set realistic expectations for yourself and your family. You may not be able to accomplish everything you normally would when you’re overwhelmed with stress, and that's okay. 

It’s okay to prioritize the most important tasks and let go of the need for perfection. By setting goals that feel more doable, you can reduce feelings of overwhelm and increase your sense of accomplishment.

Lean on your community 

We need community to survive so many things, and parenting is no different. It’s increasingly hard to raise a family without help from your community, whether that be family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, or someone else. Leaning on others for support can be incredibly beneficial in times of stress. It’s validating to talk with other parents who can relate to what you’re going through. 

Having a support system in place can provide emotional validation and practical assistance when you need it. Don't hesitate to reach out for help when you need it, and offer your support to others in return when you’re able to. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. 

Use resources available

It’s not right that parents have to work so hard to find resources for support, but there are options out there to try to help parents manage things. Your city might have resources for parents on their website, or there might be a local childcare council you can work with. 

There are also organizations, like Chamber of Mothers that are working to advance paid leave for all parents, quality, affordable childcare, and improve maternal health to try to approach these problems at the source. Parenting groups on social media, whether they’re local or widespread, can help parents find creative solutions to problems and also help them feel less alone. 

Work on mindfulness

Incorporating mindfulness practices and stress-relief techniques into your daily routine can help you manage stress more effectively in the moment and overall. 

Whether it's meditation, deep breathing exercises, yoga, or simply taking a few moments to focus on the present moment, mindfulness techniques can help you cultivate a greater sense of calm and resilience, which are powerful against stress. Find what works best for you and make it a regular part of your self-care routine.

Limit media exposure

It's important to stay informed about what’s going on in the world, but consuming excessive amounts of media can contribute to feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. Try to set boundaries around your media consumption, to give yourself a break. When you do consume media, prioritize sources that provide accurate information without sensationalizing or causing unnecessary distress. Consider taking regular breaks from screens and engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation instead. 

When the world is scary, it can be hard to stop scrolling because you don’t want to be unaware of what’s going on, but sometimes that can just heighten your sense of panic and stress. Remember that no one person can fix everything. Seeking out local organizations that are doing work to make the world a better place can help you feel like you’re taking meaningful action without just causing distress for yourself. 

Are you looking for more support with parenting stress and anxiety? Working with a therapist on parenting concerns can help you find more ways to cope and build your confidence as a parent. Get in touch with our office today to get started.

How Mindful Communication Can Improve Your Relationships

How often do you feel like you’re fully aware of the present moment?

It’s hard to stay in the present moment these days. There are always a million and one things pulling our attention away from the here and now. This is especially true when we’re communicating with other people. It’s easy to get caught up in emotions, or to think about what you’re going to say next, or get distracted by something on your mental to-do list. Practicing mindful communication can be a helpful way to improve your relationships. 

What is mindful communication?

Mindful communication occurs when you make a conscious effort to remain grounded in the present moment while you communicate with others. Staying completely in the present moment without getting distracted by something - a text, a random thought, a response to what the other person is saying, anxiety - isn’t easy. It takes practice and self compassion. 

It’s hard to give 100 percent of our attention to something because there are so many things to do, and it seems like there’s not enough time to get everything done. We often feel like multitasking is our only choice, to do everything we need and want to do. Think about how many times you’ve done multiple things at once - having a conversation while driving, cooking dinner and talking - it happens all the time. 

Mindfulness is a practice that’s focused on training yourself to spend more time in the present moment. It’s not about making every moment of your life mindful, because that’s not entirely realistic. There are going to be times where you’re not fully focused on what’s going on. That’s okay! You don’t need to choose between being 100 percent mindful or 0 percent. You can find a balance that works for you.

There are many benefits to mindfulness, including the ways that mindful communication can enhance relationships. Here are 4 ways that mindful communication can help you improve the relationships that matter to you:

Enhanced listening skills

It’s hard to listen well when you’re distracted and not fully grounded in the present moment. When you’re distracted, you’ll miss out on some of what’s being said, especially the non-verbal aspects of communication like body language. Giving the other person your undivided attention can help you understand what they’re saying more effectively, and help them to feel heard and validated.

Increased empathy

Maintaining your sense of empathy when talking to people you care about can make difficult conversations go a lot smoother. A big piece of mindfulness is being compassionate with yourself when you slip up. Learning how to be kind to yourself can help you extend that kindness to others. 

Remembering that the person you’re talking to has their own side and their own stuff going on can make it easier to see where they’re coming from. People also tend to want to open up when they’re being treated with kindness and empathy. Staying mindful when you communicate can help you notice when you’re getting frustrated or dysregulated instead of reacting first. 

Reduced reactivity

Mindfully communicating with others can help to lessen moments of reactivity. Instead of saying something you’ll regret later, you can recognize when you’re getting carried away by emotions and gently remind yourself to return to the present. You can notice when you’re feeling closed off or reactive, so you can choose to react differently. This can also be helpful with lowering defensiveness and other unhelpful patterns of conflict in relationships. 

Improved trust

Trust is hugely important in relationships, and mindful communication can help you build trust. Knowing someone will give you their full attention when you talk makes it easier to open up. It’s helpful to relationships to be open and honest, because that shows the other person that they can be open and honest as well. 

Are you wondering where to start? Try these strategies for mindful communication:

• Manage distractions - Put your phone away, turn away from the computer, lower the volume on anything playing, make sure you won’t be bothered

• Listen to understand, not to respond - focus on what they’re saying, not what you’ll say back

• Take turns talking - when you know your turn to speak will come, it’s less tempting to interrupt to try to get your point across.

• Be thoughtful about what you say - think about what you want to say before you say it so that your meaning doesn’t get distorted. Consider your tone and your language.

• Think about your goal for the conversation - what are you hoping to get out of communicating?

Making time for mindfulness can make a big difference in how you feel and in how you relate to others. Working with a therapist can help you practice mindfulness skills and find more ways to improve the relationships you care about. If you’re interested in working with one of our Maryland, Virginia, or Washington DC therapists, get in touch with our office today! 

How Can My Therapist Help with My Chronic Pain?

How can my therapist help with my chronic pain?

Suffering from chronic pain, or having a chronic illness with severe physical symptoms might not seem like the kind of thing you can go to a therapist for, but a therapist can be a key element of your chronic pain management. 

While your illness or pain may be physically located in your body, that doesn’t mean it’s entirely separate from your mental health. In fact, mental and physical health are incredibly linked. So, when your mental health suffers, your physical health often suffers, and vice versa: 

You might have experienced swings in mood or energy when you’re not feeling well, and that can be exponentially more intense in the case of chronic illness. In fact, people with chronic illnesses are two times more likely to experience anxiety and depression than people who don’t have a chronic illness…In fact, it has even been suggested that depression is associated with inflammation in the brain, so increased inflammation in the body due to physical illness may directly play a role in depression. 

5 Ways Chronic Illness Can Affect Your Mental Health

So how can your therapist aid in your chronic illness management? Your therapist can help you… 

…unpack and unlearn feelings of guilt and shame: 

We live in a culture that prioritizes hustling, being self made, and never resting. Those goals are often impossible to achieve for folks with chronic illness. There is much more rest, many more limitations, and many more instances of needing help from others when you’re chronically ill rather than able bodied. 

But, because of imposed cultural values like self sufficiency and productivity, taking the rest you need, caring for your body in the way it requires, and asking for help when you need it can all bring feelings of guilt and shame with them. That will be complicated even more by your family history, your history within relationships, and your history of getting your needs met. Your therapist can help you find your way through all of this and help you reduce those feelings of guilt and shame so you can take care of yourself the way you deserve. 

…develop self compassion and strengthen your self worth: 

It’s difficult to learn to rest. It’s even harder to learn to be nice to yourself about resting or respecting your limitations. And it’s an additional challenge to unlink your self worth from your productivity. In therapy you can explore what you feel the root of your self worth is, get comfortable with the idea of your inherent worth as a person, and develop habits rooted in self compassion rather than shame. 

…manage increased stress:

Managing an illness or constant pain is stressful. Adding in the logistics of likely needing medication, various doctors appointments, the work it takes to plan outings ahead of time to ensure accommodations, etc. Learning to manage stress to prevent burnout is a key skill practiced in therapy that can benefit anyone, but especially those managing chronic illness. 

…practice communication skills for difficult situations:

With chronic pain, comes limitations. You might not be able to do everything your friends want you to do. You may feel left out when friends or loved ones don’t make accommodations for you. These types of situations necessitate uncomfortable conversations, which depend on strong communication skills. Learning how to let someone know your needs, and finding ways to express your feelings clearly can help to strengthen your relationships as you navigate chronic illness. 

…work through the grief & trauma of chronic illness: 

Life after a chronic illness is very different to life before a chronic illness. And, with any major change or loss, that can bring grief or feel traumatic to us. Instead of trying to ignore that grief, you can take time to honor it in therapy. Your therapist can help you identify what it is you’re grieving, and help you hold that grief and move forward without it controlling you.  

…navigate relationship changes and loss: 

Sometimes the relationships we’re in aren’t able to withstand the challenges that come with managing a chronic illness. Or, if they do, they look distinctly different than the relationship did before there was a chronic illness to manage. That can be a lot to take on between two people, and it’s common to need outside support. Whether as a couple, or as an individual, it can be great to work with a therapist to navigate the changes and losses in your relationships that come along with chronic illness. 

The majority of people in the United States will experience chronic illness at some point in their lives. Treating the whole person is an important way to improve a person’s quality of life overall. It’s critical to take into account mental health when discussing physical health and vice versa. If you are living with a chronic illness and you’re looking for support, we can help.