Breaking up With a Friend

There are a lot of reasons we might end a friendship. 

Sometimes, the friendship dissolves itself, with each person growing apart and coming together less and less. Sometimes we’re just friends with people because of circumstances or environment or class, and when we leave those places, the friendships fizzle out themselves. 

But sometimes, ending a friendship is more involved than that. Whether you’ve found you and your friend no longer align on your values, or they aren’t able to support you the way you support them, or boundaries were violated, it’s hard to realize it’s time to move on from the relationship. 

(Not sure if a relationship is healthy anymore? Use these journal questions to reflect on how your different relationships are making you feel.)

When you decide it’s time to end a friendship: 

Sometimes, you may not be ready to fully end the relationship, but the fact that you’re thinking about it shows there are some issues that need to be openly talked about between you and your friend. 

You can let them know you haven’t been feeling supported, or your time together has left you feeling worse than your time apart, or whatever it is that is making you think of ending the relationship, and see if they are able to work through the issues so that you’re both happy and supported. 

If you’re hoping for repair within the relationship, it’s not just going to be one conversation. There will probably be a series of them, but friendship, like any other relationship, is a commitment to continually making sure you’re supporting your friends the way they need support (and making sure you’re asking for that support in return). So if the two of you aren’t willing to do the long term work of intimate friendships, it may be best to thank each other for the time and love you’ve shared, and build your lives apart.  

If you are willing to do that work, you don’t have to do it without support. While most of our culture is focused on romantic relationships, you can get professional support with any type of significant relationship. In the book Big Friendship Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman explore their journey into relationship therapy and what it did to preserve and strengthen their relationship! 

Keep in mind: 

You have had a lot of time to think these things over. This may be the first time your friend is hearing or thinking about them; they will need time to process their own reaction.

You’re allowed to ask to not be part of that processing. Their feelings may be hurt and they may not be able to hear you “objectively” until they’ve made space for their own feelings, but you don’t need to be the one they work that out with. It’s fine to ask them to talk it through with someone else and to rejoin each other when you’re ready to have a constructive conversation. 

You can’t make someone understand you. You can let them know what you’re feeling and hope they hear you, but if they don’t it’s not your job to justify your feelings. Instead, tend to the hurt that comes with not being seen by a loved one, and figure out what will be best for you moving forward (no contact, some contact?) 

Discussing your feelings and vulnerable issues within a relationship is an act of love and takes a lot of vulnerability. Even if there isn’t a “happy” ending to the conversation, be proud of yourself for honoring the relationship enough to be authentic and vulnerable within it.  

If you’re having these feelings, your friendship has already changed. It’s not risking the relationship to let the other person in on what you’re feeling, it’s giving them a chance to be an active participant in your relationship. 

“Breaking up”: 

If you’re not able to find a way to both honor your own needs and stay in the relationship, it’s time to break up. 

We’re given a lot more social scripts and tools for ending romantic relationships, but not platonic ones. But the bones of it aren’t all that different–this is a person who has played a significant role in your life, who you have spent valuable time with, that you now have to say goodbye to. 

Platonic relationships aren’t given much significance in our culture (part of the American individualistic culture that prioritizes upward mobility and building your own life) which is why we don’t talk about platonic breakups, not because they don’t happen–or because they don’t need to happen. And with how common ghosting is within romantic relationships, it’s no wonder that silently exiting friendships seems to be the only way we know how to end all sorts of other relationships, friendships included. 

But friendships are intimate, important relationships. They help us build communities and come into our sense of self, offer places for support and joy and often function as family for those without close blood ties. 

Ending the relationship should be done in a way that honors that significance. 

In season 6 of the show New Girl, one of the main characters, Nick, decides he wants to end his relationship with his girlfriend, Reagan–with no conflict. He fumbles through attempts the entire episode until eventually, he buys them train tickets to San Diego, and gets off at a random stop, abandoning her on the train. Despite achieving his goal (the next time we see Reagan she has come to collect her things from their shared apartment) Nick somehow feels worse than when he decided he needed to break up with her. It’s in this moment that his roommate Aly clues him in as to why: 

“Maybe you feel terrible,” she says, “Because your relationship with Reagan actually meant something to you. And you ended it like it didn’t.” 

When relationships stop fitting in our lives, it doesn’t mean the time spent in them was a waste. We don’t suddenly lose the months or years of joy and love and support we found in that relationship. And ending the relationship should be done with care and intention, just like maintaining the relationship. 

If you’ve already tried to work through things, your friend may not be surprised to hear your relationship is no longer working for you. If you’ve never tried to talk to them about anything, expect them to be surprised. And expect to talk through what has brought you to this point. 

Try to come from a place of love, the love that the two of you shared for so long, and will continue to share from afar. 

When you decide to end a relationship, be gentle with yourself, it’s not an easy thing to do. Ending the relationship doesn’t mean you no longer love the person, just as can be true in romantic breakups, but compatibility is important in platonic relationships. 

To maintain long friendships you need both emotional compatibility and logistical compatibility, just like in romantic relationships (you just likely don’t consider romantic/sexual compatibility). Some friendships end because of logistical compatibility: this is when you can’t make your schedules work or prioritize time for one another, and the friendship sort of fades out. This sort of incompatibility can cause conflict: if you’re constantly making time or space for your friend and they don’t reciprocate, that can also end a relationship, while much less mutual than just “growing apart.” 

Personal/emotional incompatibility is probably what brought the two of you together in the first place. When this compatibility changes, it’s very hard and can bring up a lot of grief. Sometimes we have friendships that have lasted years, decades even, that we don’t have that personal or emotional compatibility or trust with  anymore. Those are often the hardest relationships to say goodbye to, even harder sometimes than ending a romantic relationship. It’s normal to feel grief over big changes, even when you know they are the right changes. 

Saying goodbye

Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table. - Tupac Shakur

It’s hard to say goodbye to any significant person in our lives. Give yourself space to grieve the end of the relationship and all of the ways that will change your life moving forward. 

Try to see the breakup as a way of preserving all of those wonderful memories you share with this friend. Knowing when a relationship no longer works and walking away accordingly can help keep it as a good memory when you’re able to work through your grief and look back. You don’t want to lose all the good the two of you shared, so recognizing that in your breakup can help bring it back to a place of love. 

While your relationship may not work any longer, you can acknowledge all the good your coming together did for each other, and keep those memories in your heart moving forward. 

For tips on how to deal with the end of friendship when it happens, read this blog. If you’re looking for support with the loss of a friendship, our clinicians are here for you.