Five Tools For Managing Loneliness and Building Connection

It’s normal to feel lonely. 

The problem with loneliness is that it tricks us into thinking we’re the only one who feels that way, that everyone else is happy and connected and supported by their friends, loved ones, and community, and out of shame we end up isolating, only making the loneliness worse. But the truth is most of us feel lonely every now and then. Sometimes it’s short lived, and other times it lingers, making it harder to break out of. 

Instead of withdrawing, here are seven things you can do when you’re lonely.

Ending a relationship  with a friend is difficult for a number of reasons, one of which is the feeling of loneliness that comes from that loss. Just like in a romantic breakup, where you once had the routine of going to that person with news and plans and jokes and stressors, you now have to find somewhere new to turn, and build new routines and relationships without them. Even when that’s the right choice, it can feel very lonely for a while. 

Relationships take time to build, so there is a period after ending a relationship, where you do feel less supported and resourced than when you had someone to fill that role. The grief that comes with that loneliness is common, and nothing to feel shame about. The loneliness is also common–and remember it’s temporary. 

For more support on managing that loneliness, read 4 tips for dealing with a friend breakup 

Strong friendships are some of the most fulfilling and supportive relationships we can have. But if you’re struggling with loneliness, making new friends can seem impossible. It’s hard to be so vulnerable like that as an adult. When you’re a child, it’s natural to enter a new space and find new friends in it–and, because of the way your life is constructed, it’s easier to find yourself surrounded by peers as a child. As an adult, a conscious effort must be made to go out into new places and to connect with new people. And that can be scary! 

It’s okay to admit it’s hard to meet new people you connect with. And when you’re ready, here are some ideas on what to do about it. 

Friendships occupy a very important place in our lives and communities. They are the family we choose, and those relationships can be just as close, supportive, and intimate as romantic or familial relationships. But it doesn’t happen without work. Just as you have to work with a romantic partner to understand and care for one another, the same work is required of intimate friendships. 

While having these intimate friendships only enriches our lives–giving us more opportunities for joy, for connection, for feeling seen and heard, for providing and accessing support, etc–most of what we hear about in regards to relationship work is about romantic relationships. 

You need a variety of support in your life, and learning to tend to your friendships with intention is a wonderful way to provide that for yourself. 

When addressing loneliness it’s also important to look at the larger picture outside of your individual relationships. What does your relationship to your community look like? Do you feel connected to your community, the resources and opportunities and connections it offers? Or do you exist alongside your community, without feeling familiar enough to claim a place in it?

Strong communities offer not just one option, but a garden of options for support; through building relationships with friends, family, neighbors, local businesses, community organizers & artists you open yourself up to a world of possibilities. You create a world full of people who can help you creatively, financially, professionally, spiritually, domestically, medically, etc. 

The basic function of cultivating a strong community is to make sure you don’t have to face any aspect of life alone. 

Taking steps to reduce feelings of isolation can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

I Hurt My Friend's Feelings, What Do I Do Now?

Hurt feelings are never an easy thing to navigate in a relationship, especially in an intimate relationship of any kind–whether that’s a romantic relationship, a sibling, a close friend, etc. And while we’ve touched on how to let someone know they’ve hurt your feelings, we haven’t yet explored what you should do if you’re the one who hurt your loved ones feelings. 

As you navigate your response, try to keep a few things in mind: 

All relationships have conflict. 

We can only avoid conflict by avoiding our true feelings in a relationship, so it’s not necessarily a sign that the relationship is a bad one. And hurting someone’s feelings doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. We’re all wounded and trying our best, and sometimes we misstep. 

It was brave for your loved one to tell you that their feelings were hurt. 

While it’s completely understandable for your own feelings to smart when you hear they’ve felt hurt by you, try to remember they’re being vulnerable with you because they trust the relationship can survive the conflict. Which brings us to the third reminder…

Taking time to talk to you about their hurt feelings is a sign that your relationship means a lot to your friend or loved one, not the other way around. 

If they didn’t care about your relationship, working toward repair for a stronger relationship wouldn’t matter. While it can feel like they’re upset at you when you’re getting through this, hold that security close when you feel vulnerable, and remind yourself that working through this is the goal for both of you. 

With those reminders in mind, here are three things you can do when you’ve hurt a loved ones feelings: 

Work to understand before saying your piece: 

Give your loved one space to explain why their feelings are hurt. What was it that you said or did that hurt them? What was happening in that moment for them? Rather than jumping right into what it was you intended, let them share with you how they experienced the situation. When you understand what was happening for them, you can more clearly understand the impact of your own behavior. Remember, they’re being very vulnerable with you. Give them space to say what they need and really try to hear them before saying your piece. 

When it is your turn, explain don’t defend: 

Everyone accidentally hurts their friend’s or loved ones from time to time. We’re all working through our own wounds and communication blocks, so misunderstandings are common–especially in close relationships where your most vulnerable insecurities are more prone to be triggered. 

Instead of getting defensive over the intention of your words, trust that your friend knows you didn’t intend to hurt them–they probably wouldn’t be vulnerable enough to share their feelings with someone they thought wanted to hurt them. It’s fine to explain how you were experiencing the situation simply, without blaming them for misunderstanding, but understand that your intentions for an interaction might not match the impact of your behavior within that interaction. It’s important to apologize for how your words or behavior were actually received if it didn’t line up with how you intended them.  

Figure out what to do if something like this comes up again: 

What makes you feel safe being vulnerable with one another? What was it exactly that brought this conflict up? How can you be mindful of what you’ve learned about one another as you go forward in your relationship? Present conflicts often dig at old wounds, so if you can work together to understand where the root of the pain is coming from, you can work together to avoid this sort of conflict or hurt feelings in the future. 

Do you struggle to communicate when someone lets you know that you’ve hurt their feelings? We can help support you. Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians! 

Why is Making Friends as an Adult so Hard? + What to Do About It

We’ve talked a bit before about what’s being called a loneliness epidemic in America–how people are having trouble right now not only making friends but keeping friends. And loneliness has real impacts on both our mental and our physical health. And according to this, loneliness puts a person at: 

• A 29% increased risk of heart disease 

• a 32% increased risk of stroke

• a 50% increased risk of developing dementia for older adults

• an elevated mortality risk that is similar to smoking 15 cigarettes a day

Knowing how important having a wealth of relationships is our to our health and happiness, why is it so hard to make friends?

There are a lot of reasons it’s so hard to make friends, especially as an adult. With the COVID pandemic, there was a necessary increase in self isolating habits. With various waves of quarantining and learning to stay distant and masked from others in public, to be more discerning of where you went to be conscientious of health risks to ourselves and others, it’s no wonder we’re all a little lonelier. Especially college students and other young adults who were entering major transitional periods in their lives when the pandemic hit, well known paths to creating relationships were suddenly unsafe or unavailable. 

But the pandemic isn’t the only cause for the lack of friendships in our lives. Other reasons can include things like: 

Financial restraints: 

While the pandemic has brought out a new wave of mutual aid and community resources, when it comes to public spaces most of the time it’s pay to stay. It’s hard to go out and find a place outside of your house where people can just be. And while there may be a thriving arts and culture scene in your city or town, you might not be able to afford to go to the events that exist on a regular enough basis to meet people and befriend them. 

Young adulthood is also a time when people frequently move for work–when you’re freshly graduated or new to a field, you have to go where you can get work! But moving itself is a huge cost, and that means there’s often very little left over to go out and spend in new social spaces. And when you’re new to an area you might not even know where to start when it comes to meeting new people. 

Cultural priorities: 

American culture doesn’t place a lot of value on tending to platonic relationships. Mostly, the value is places on heterosexual romantic relationships and “traditional” family structures (ie. family structures that uphold patriarchal power). Take this example from the American Survey Center:

“Overall, more than half (53 percent) of Americans say that the first person they talk to when they have a personal problem is their spouse or partner. Sixteen percent of the public say they go to a friend first when confronting a personal issue, and 10 percent say they rely on their parents.” 

Friendships become communities of support–communities which go against the American ideal of self sufficiency. Because they present this sort of counter-culture to the American way, we don’t put value onto platonic relationships the way we do with others and we don’t learn how to make, cultivate and sustain intimate them/

The American ethic also prioritizes work above all–so feeling the need to turn down invitations or restrict time with others in order to get work done is so commonplace we don’t even question it. 

Accessibility/Marginalization:

As we’ve said before: discrimination, oppression, barriers to healthcare and other services, and stigma are some reasons why marginalized groups are more likely to experience loneliness and social isolation.

For some people, whether they’re people of color, visibly queer or gender nonconforming, disabled, or marginalized in some other way, venturing into new spaces is dangerous and fraught with all sorts of concerns about whether you’ll be tolerated, welcomed, ignored, or worse. 

So what can you do?

Start small:

You don’t have to snap up every opportunity that comes up in your desire to meet new people and make new friends. That’s a one way ticket to burnout! Instead, go to things you’re really excited about–not things you have to convince yourself to go to. 

Find local groups to follow online–lots of organizations do their promotional work and networking on Instagram, you can find them via local hashtags or check and see who local businesses and friends are following. 

When you do find clubs, groups or organizations you’re interested in, you can follow their accounts to see what types of events they tend to host, how often they show up, etc. so you can decide if it’s a group you want to try out 

A tip: If you follow them for longer than a month or two without going to an event ask yourself if you’re really interested in going or if it’s just taking up space on your feed.

Find something you’re interested in, whether you experience it alone or not. Then you’ll be looking forward to it, whether or not you “meet” your goal of making new friends, and the open, positive attitude will help you connect with people more naturally. 

Starting off with just one new thing (whether it’s a club, somewhere to volunteer, a class to take) will help you manage your energy and balance your own needs as you try something new–which can often required some extra self care and attention to yourself! 

Instead of taking a bunch of classes to increase your chances of meeting a bunch of people and making a bunch of friends, join one class and commit to it. Really try to learn and connect with the people in that class, instead of making a bunch of surface level connections that will peter out as soon as the classes are over. 

Set boundaries:

How much time do you need alone to take care of yourself and recharge? How long does it take for happy scrolling to turn into unhappy scrolling on social media? Set boundaries around how long you spend online and what you look at so it does its job of helping you connect instead of increasing your loneliness. 

Try to be consistent:

If you join a club, show up to as many meetings as you reasonably can. If you sign up to volunteer somewhere, don’t drop in and out unexpectedly. If you enroll in a class, show up for each lesson. When you’re consistently showing up somewhere, consistently interacting with people, you get a chance to know them better and more opportunities to turn acquaintances into friendships 

Ask for help:

It’s okay if you don’t know where to start. Loneliness is hard to combat, and trying to do it on our own is a losing battle. Reach out to friends in other cities. How did they meet people when they moved? What do they like to do when they’re feeling lonely? Even if they don’t have tips that will work for you, they probably can relate to feelings of loneliness. And that connection can help both of you feel less alone. 

A therapist is a good resource too. If you don’t know where to start when it comes to making new friends and managing loneliness, talking to your therapist about what obstacles you’re facing is a great first step. 

A therapist can help teach you new ways to cope and explore ways to build community and support. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

Managing Conflict in Friendships

We’ve said before that conflict exists in every type of relationship. 

In all long term relationships, conflict is normal and expected and nothing to feel shame or fear about. However, that doesn’t make it easy to manage! It can feel scary when conflict comes up–no matter what type of relationship you have. 

However, when we think of navigating conflict in relationships, it’s often through the lens of romantic relationships. The stakes can feel extremely high with romantic partners, especially if it’s a long term partner who you intend to build a future with. Within friendships, conflicts may not feel so extreme because you may not consider your friend to be your “life partner” but that doesn’t mean the emotions they bring up are any less important than the feelings brought up in romantic conflicts. 

It can feel like more of a shock when big conflict comes up within platonic relationships too. 

Not small things like disagreeing over where to meet for coffee or something like that, but big true conflict where you don’t feel as if you’re being seen or heard by the other person. This is something we expect to a certain degree within romantic relationships–because we expect to have a certain degree of intimacy with our romantic partners, there are more opportunities for vulnerability, and therefore more opportunities for raw feelings to come up and make conflict. 

We often see our friendships as an escape from that sort of seriousness. We go to our friends to get support when we’re in conflict with our partners or with other frustrations in our life, so it’s often a space in our life we see as being free of conflict. But this also means that some of our friends have seen the most honest and most vulnerable versions of ourselves. Just as this can lead to increased intimacy, it can also mean we’re risking moments of our true selves and our vulnerability not being witnessed the way we hope it will be, which opens the door for conflict. 

So just like any close relationship, there’s an inevitability of conflict in intimate friendships, so it’s crucial to find a way to navigate it. 

We’ve talked a bit before about ending friendships (why you might, what it means to break up with a friend, and how to deal with a friend breakup when it happens) but what about before the breakup? Just like in romantic relationships, ending the relationship isn’t where we want to jump to. If we’re willing to do a bit of uncomfortable work, we can find ways to repair the relationship, and likely make it stronger as well. 

So how can you handle conflict in friendships?

Take time to figure out what it is that needs attention and repair: 

Sometimes we know there’s something off or frustrating within a friendship, but we aren’t sure exactly what the root of it is or how to articulate it. Before coming to your friend with a series of grievances you’ve let stack up, take some time to reflect on why these things are bothering you. 

What is the common thread? Are you not feeling listened to? Are your needs being ignored? Do you never feel prioritized the way you prioritize your friend? Are you nervous about being judged by them? 

Taking some time to reflect on all those little moments that bothered you can give you more insight into what actually is off balance in your relationship, which will help you communicate it more effectively, rather than just listing moments your friend has upset you and waiting for them to apologize (though, if you need an apology or a recognition of hurt, that’s okay! You can ask for that too.) If you need some help reflecting on what it is you’re feeling about certain relationships, try these journal prompts to help you examine how you’re feeling in different relationships! 

Let them know you need to talk: 

…but try to be more considerate than a quick “We need to talk” text, which sounds vague and ominous and will probably just make your friend anxious and come into the conversation on the defensive. Instead, be transparent. You’ve had time to think about what is upsetting you, let them know you’re upset so that they’re not blindsided. A short, but clear “I’ve been feeling upset about X and I was hoping we could make time to talk through it?” helps to let them know what you’re feeling, what it’s about, and that you want to work it out with them. Of course, no one likes to hear that they’ve upset or hurt their friend, so they may still feel uncomfortable or anxious about it, but those are their feelings to manage so long as you’ve done your part to be clear and considerate. 

(And consider when you let them know you need to talk. Are you texting them right as they head into work, where they won’t be able to answer you? Will they then be stressed and upset about it all day? If you have a general idea of their schedule, try to let them know at a time they’d be home or available to talk. 

Depending on the geography of your friendship, talking in person may not be possible, but when it comes to conflict, it’s best handled directly person to person. Meaning and tone can easily get lost or mistranslated in text, which can add even more tension to an existing conflict. If talking in person isn’t possible, talk to them on the phone at a time that works for both of you. 

Assume the goal is the same for both people

When you need to address conflict it can feel scary! Sometimes you may feel the compulsion to defend yourself rather than explain what you’re feeling. That may be wounds or expectations from a past relationship showing up in your relationships now. Try to go into conversations about conflict with friends assuming you both want the same thing: to find ways to repair the friendship where both people feel seen and understood. Remember this person is your friend for a reason, they’ve been in your life caring about you for a reason–they will want to know if they’re hurting you, even if it’s uncomfortable. 

And remember to make space for their experience too. Let them respond without getting defensive or trying to prove them wrong. Just like in romantic relationships, the goal isn’t to win, but to make space for one another and solve the problem together. Even if it’s uncomfortable to hear what they have to say, it can bring you closer by allowing for more honesty and vulnerability within your friendship. And remember to make use of healthy conflict tools like repair attempts and to remember that not every problem can be solved in a single conversation. 

Are you experiencing conflicts in your friendships? Working with a therapist can help you find healthy ways to navigate and manage conflict within your relationships. Get in touch with our office today to get started with couples therapy! 

10 Blogs to Read for More Intimate Friendships

Friendships are some of the most important relationships we have in life. 

Some we’ve known since childhood, and they’ve been with us through family stress, romantic ups and downs, personal identity struggles, career changes, and more. 

Some friendships we find in adulthood, once we’ve learned more about ourselves and we’re able to show up more authentically. Even if these friends haven’t been around as long, they can be just as special and significant as childhood friends. 

No matter how we came to find these relationships, they occupy a special spot in our lives. 

When things go wrong in life, we call our friends to commiserate. When good things happen, we want to celebrate with them! Often our relationships with friends are some of the strongest, most authentic relationships we have because they are based simply on enjoying time spent together. There is no sense of obligation as there can be with family, or pressure to please like we can often feel with romantic partners. These relationships become a space in which we can be fully ourselves and find support we can’t get in other places. 

Because of this, friendships can feel like an easy, magical piece of our lives. But like any other relationship, in order to have true intimacy, the relationship will sometimes require hard (or uncomfortable) work! We live in a culture that values romantic relationships as the most significant relationships in a person’s life, so there are a lot of spaces and resources to find support for difficult times in your romantic relationship. But there aren’t as many for platonic relationships–even though they too can be some of the longest lasting and most significant relationships in our lives. 

We believe that all relationships are important–you need a garden of support in your life, and many different relationships to fulfill the many different parts of you. 

But supportive friendships take work. Like when you have to:

Let your friends know when they’ve hurt your feelings:

“Telling someone you’re upset by something they’ve done takes a lot of courage, so be proud of yourself for it. It can feel like a risk–like they could be mad or upset or maybe even react unpredictably. It’s important to remember that while their feelings matter, you can’t control them and it’s not your job to prevent them from experiencing unpleasant emotions. It’s only your job to be honest about how you’re feeling and stick around to work through it if that brings up unpleasant emotions.”

Read the full blog here.

Stop yourself from comparing yourself to your friends:

“Too much comparison can also be damaging to your relationships. When you’re constantly putting yourself up against someone else–out of either admiration or jealousy–you’re not seeing the other person as a full person. You’re only seeing the one thing that is provoking an emotional reaction out of you (a picture of their vacation, a post about their promotion, etc.) It can lead to jealousy, even resentment in your relationship.”

Read the full blog here.

Set a difficult boundary: 

“Because discussing boundaries can make us feel so vulnerable, some of us have a tendency to react drastically when they are violated. There can be an urge to cut people off automatically–an attitude of “if they can’t respect my boundary they can’t be in my life.” Which is appropriate when a boundary has been repeatedly ignored or violated! However, if it’s the first time it’s happening, it likely was not done out of malice. Address the issue directly, and move on if there is no improvement.”

Read the full blog here. 

Make space for an experience you can’t relate to:

“Do you have a loved one who deals with chronic pain? If you don’t experience chronic pain, it can be hard to understand just how much it can impact someone’s life. While for most people, pain is unusual, a sign that something needs to be tended to immediately, for folks who manage chronic pain, it is a constant state.” 

Read the full blog here. 

“We’ve talked about this before, and went over four helpful ways to support someone struggling with infertility, but what about things that aren’t helpful? Learning what questions or topics to avoid to be respectful of the pain your loved one is experiencing is just as important as learning methods of support.”

Read the full blog here. 

Practice accountability: 

“When you’re close with someone, there’s a level of vulnerability. The people we are close to have the power to bring a lot of love and positivity into our lives, but they also have the power to hurt us more deeply than acquaintances or strangers. If you’re not sure you can trust the other person to be honest with you, admit when they’re wrong, and take steps to repair the relationship when necessary, it’s harder to feel close to them.”

Read the full blog here.

Make some hard decisions when a friendship has run its course: 

“Ending a relationship of any kind is never easy. As humans, we are wired for connection, so it can be confusing and painful to end a connection that was special to you. Sometimes, ending a friendship will come after having conversations with each other about boundaries or expectations. You might feel better if you approach them with a conversation first instead of just ending things right there. There might also be situations where you feel better ending the friendship without talking about it first. Whatever way works for you and your situation, know that it is okay to feel a bunch of conflicting feelings about ending a friendship. You might feel relieved to not have to deal with them anymore. You might feel sad remembering the good times you had together. You might be angry at the way they treated you. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay.”

Read the full blog here. 

“Platonic relationships aren’t given much significance in our culture (part of the American individualistic culture that prioritizes upward mobility and building your own life) which is why we don’t talk about platonic breakups, not because they don’t happen–or because they don’t need to happen. And with how common ghosting is within romantic relationships, it’s no wonder that silently exiting friendships seems to be the only way we know how to end all sorts of other relationships, friendships included.”

Read the full blog here.

“Adjusting to the fact that you can’t rely on that person the way you once did takes work and time. It might be hard to open yourself up to a close friend for a while, and that’s okay. It’s a big adjustment, and it’s okay to follow whatever timeline you need. If you’re struggling with a friendship breakup, know that you’re not alone. So many people have been through this kind of pain, and whatever reaction you’re having is valid.”

Read the full blog here. 

Remember, while important conversations and learning to sit with discomfort is crucial for all intimate relationships, we should also make space for joy and celebration of those relationships too! Or else, what is all of that work for?

Adult relationships can get messy sometimes, and it can be a relief knowing that you’ll be able to talk it all through with someone who gets it. Get in touch with us today to get started!

Breaking up With a Friend

There are a lot of reasons we might end a friendship. 

Sometimes, the friendship dissolves itself, with each person growing apart and coming together less and less. Sometimes we’re just friends with people because of circumstances or environment or class, and when we leave those places, the friendships fizzle out themselves. 

But sometimes, ending a friendship is more involved than that. Whether you’ve found you and your friend no longer align on your values, or they aren’t able to support you the way you support them, or boundaries were violated, it’s hard to realize it’s time to move on from the relationship. 

(Not sure if a relationship is healthy anymore? Use these journal questions to reflect on how your different relationships are making you feel.)

When you decide it’s time to end a friendship: 

Sometimes, you may not be ready to fully end the relationship, but the fact that you’re thinking about it shows there are some issues that need to be openly talked about between you and your friend. 

You can let them know you haven’t been feeling supported, or your time together has left you feeling worse than your time apart, or whatever it is that is making you think of ending the relationship, and see if they are able to work through the issues so that you’re both happy and supported. 

If you’re hoping for repair within the relationship, it’s not just going to be one conversation. There will probably be a series of them, but friendship, like any other relationship, is a commitment to continually making sure you’re supporting your friends the way they need support (and making sure you’re asking for that support in return). So if the two of you aren’t willing to do the long term work of intimate friendships, it may be best to thank each other for the time and love you’ve shared, and build your lives apart.  

If you are willing to do that work, you don’t have to do it without support. While most of our culture is focused on romantic relationships, you can get professional support with any type of significant relationship. In the book Big Friendship Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman explore their journey into relationship therapy and what it did to preserve and strengthen their relationship! 

Keep in mind: 

You have had a lot of time to think these things over. This may be the first time your friend is hearing or thinking about them; they will need time to process their own reaction.

You’re allowed to ask to not be part of that processing. Their feelings may be hurt and they may not be able to hear you “objectively” until they’ve made space for their own feelings, but you don’t need to be the one they work that out with. It’s fine to ask them to talk it through with someone else and to rejoin each other when you’re ready to have a constructive conversation. 

You can’t make someone understand you. You can let them know what you’re feeling and hope they hear you, but if they don’t it’s not your job to justify your feelings. Instead, tend to the hurt that comes with not being seen by a loved one, and figure out what will be best for you moving forward (no contact, some contact?) 

Discussing your feelings and vulnerable issues within a relationship is an act of love and takes a lot of vulnerability. Even if there isn’t a “happy” ending to the conversation, be proud of yourself for honoring the relationship enough to be authentic and vulnerable within it.  

If you’re having these feelings, your friendship has already changed. It’s not risking the relationship to let the other person in on what you’re feeling, it’s giving them a chance to be an active participant in your relationship. 

“Breaking up”: 

If you’re not able to find a way to both honor your own needs and stay in the relationship, it’s time to break up. 

We’re given a lot more social scripts and tools for ending romantic relationships, but not platonic ones. But the bones of it aren’t all that different–this is a person who has played a significant role in your life, who you have spent valuable time with, that you now have to say goodbye to. 

Platonic relationships aren’t given much significance in our culture (part of the American individualistic culture that prioritizes upward mobility and building your own life) which is why we don’t talk about platonic breakups, not because they don’t happen–or because they don’t need to happen. And with how common ghosting is within romantic relationships, it’s no wonder that silently exiting friendships seems to be the only way we know how to end all sorts of other relationships, friendships included. 

But friendships are intimate, important relationships. They help us build communities and come into our sense of self, offer places for support and joy and often function as family for those without close blood ties. 

Ending the relationship should be done in a way that honors that significance. 

In season 6 of the show New Girl, one of the main characters, Nick, decides he wants to end his relationship with his girlfriend, Reagan–with no conflict. He fumbles through attempts the entire episode until eventually, he buys them train tickets to San Diego, and gets off at a random stop, abandoning her on the train. Despite achieving his goal (the next time we see Reagan she has come to collect her things from their shared apartment) Nick somehow feels worse than when he decided he needed to break up with her. It’s in this moment that his roommate Aly clues him in as to why: 

“Maybe you feel terrible,” she says, “Because your relationship with Reagan actually meant something to you. And you ended it like it didn’t.” 

When relationships stop fitting in our lives, it doesn’t mean the time spent in them was a waste. We don’t suddenly lose the months or years of joy and love and support we found in that relationship. And ending the relationship should be done with care and intention, just like maintaining the relationship. 

If you’ve already tried to work through things, your friend may not be surprised to hear your relationship is no longer working for you. If you’ve never tried to talk to them about anything, expect them to be surprised. And expect to talk through what has brought you to this point. 

Try to come from a place of love, the love that the two of you shared for so long, and will continue to share from afar. 

When you decide to end a relationship, be gentle with yourself, it’s not an easy thing to do. Ending the relationship doesn’t mean you no longer love the person, just as can be true in romantic breakups, but compatibility is important in platonic relationships. 

To maintain long friendships you need both emotional compatibility and logistical compatibility, just like in romantic relationships (you just likely don’t consider romantic/sexual compatibility). Some friendships end because of logistical compatibility: this is when you can’t make your schedules work or prioritize time for one another, and the friendship sort of fades out. This sort of incompatibility can cause conflict: if you’re constantly making time or space for your friend and they don’t reciprocate, that can also end a relationship, while much less mutual than just “growing apart.” 

Personal/emotional incompatibility is probably what brought the two of you together in the first place. When this compatibility changes, it’s very hard and can bring up a lot of grief. Sometimes we have friendships that have lasted years, decades even, that we don’t have that personal or emotional compatibility or trust with  anymore. Those are often the hardest relationships to say goodbye to, even harder sometimes than ending a romantic relationship. It’s normal to feel grief over big changes, even when you know they are the right changes. 

Saying goodbye

Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table. - Tupac Shakur

It’s hard to say goodbye to any significant person in our lives. Give yourself space to grieve the end of the relationship and all of the ways that will change your life moving forward. 

Try to see the breakup as a way of preserving all of those wonderful memories you share with this friend. Knowing when a relationship no longer works and walking away accordingly can help keep it as a good memory when you’re able to work through your grief and look back. You don’t want to lose all the good the two of you shared, so recognizing that in your breakup can help bring it back to a place of love. 

While your relationship may not work any longer, you can acknowledge all the good your coming together did for each other, and keep those memories in your heart moving forward. 

For tips on how to deal with the end of friendship when it happens, read this blog. If you’re looking for support with the loss of a friendship, our clinicians are here for you. 

4 Ways to Practice Accountability in Your Relationships

4 Ways to Practice Accountability in Your Relationships

If you’ve seen the show Ted Lasso you may remember a scene where two of the main characters, Rebecca and Keely, are talking about accountability in relationships. If you’re not familiar, the context of the scene is that Rebecca is the boss of Keely’s boyfriend, Jamie, and knows that Jamie has invited a second plus one to a charity event. She kindly warns Keely of this, and encourages her to consider the importance of having a partner who can be accountable for the way they behave and the way they treat you. 

Accountability isn’t always the first quality we think of when it comes to good relationships, but it’s actually very important for establishing trust, safety, and intimacy. It’s less obvious than, say, a good sense of humor, but accountability is a crucial piece of the healthy relationship puzzle. 

What does it mean to be accountable? 

Merriam-Webster defines accountability as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.”

Why is accountability important in relationships?

Accountability is important for every type of relationship, including families, friends, and coworkers. It’s especially important in romantic relationships because of the level of trust that emotional intimacy requires. 

When you’re close with someone, there’s a level of vulnerability. The people we are close to have the power to bring a lot of love and positivity into our lives, but they also have the power to hurt us more deeply than acquaintances or strangers. If you’re not sure you can trust the other person to be honest with you, admit when they’re wrong, and take steps to repair the relationship when necessary, it’s harder to feel close to them.

Accountability also has an impact on self-esteem. When you know that you can count on yourself to accept responsibility for the things you do and say, it feels good. It doesn’t always feel good to admit you’re wrong or that there’s something you can work on. It does feel good to keep promises to yourself, though, and following through on things that are important to you is one way to do that.

How can I practice accountability in relationships?

We all have things we can work on to improve our relationships both with ourselves and with others. If you’re looking for ways to practice accountability in your relationships, here are 4 things to try:

Be okay with making mistakes

Making mistakes is a part of life. No one in human history has ever done everything 100% “right” - partially because what is right is subjective. We have different values and priorities, and so what is right for one person might not be right for another. We can’t read minds, so it is impossible to know how other people will react or what will be painful for them sometimes. If you’re alive, you’re going to make mistakes, and that’s just the way it is. 

Instead of trying to fight against that idea, try to become more comfortable with the idea of making mistakes. It’s okay! Accepting that mistakes are part of life frees up your mind to do other things instead of feeling shame for being human. 

Don’t give in to shame

It’s harder to admit you’ve done something wrong when you feel shame about it, because shame is uncomfortable. No one likes to feel ashamed - it’s painful, even though it’s something we all deal with. Shame is distracting though, and it keeps us from doing the real work of being accountable and moving forward. 

Some people are so stuck in shame that they can’t admit they’ve done something wrong or hurt someone. While it’s not easy to work through shame, it’s even harder to be consumed by it. Cut yourself some slack.

Prioritize honesty

Accountability requires honesty. To be truly accountable, it’s important to be completely honest and own up to what you did fully, without cleaning up some of the details to make yourself come across better or more sympathetic. No one likes to be lied to. Dishonesty destroys trust, which is very difficult to rebuild.

Remember, it’s okay to be human. You’re not perfect, and no one should expect you to be. Do your best to be honest with the people you care about, even if it brings up feelings of shame. Feelings don’t last forever, and shame won’t either. 

Pause before reacting

It takes time to learn how to do this, but learning how to pause before reacting to situations can make a huge difference. When we react, we often are acting without thinking things all the way through, which can make things worse. Taking a minute to pause between what’s going on and how you respond gives you a chance to tap into your rational self instead of just reacting with your emotional self. 

When you learn how to lengthen the space between what’s happening and the way you respond, you give yourself a chance to act in a way that aligns with your values and goals instead of working against them. 

Are you looking for more support to improve the important relationships in your life? Working with a therapist can help you learn new skills that can benefit relationships of all kinds - from friends and family to romantic partners. Get in touch today to get started!

5 Ways to Deal With Being Ghosted

Have you ever been ghosted? 

If you have, you know that it’s a uniquely painful experience. Ghosting is when someone you are in a relationship with disappears from your usual methods of contact suddenly. We hear a lot about ghosting in a dating context, because it’s become more and more popular in the era of dating apps, but friendships can end with ghosting too. It tends to happen in newer relationships, but it can also happen in more established ones. The aftermath of being ghosted can be a lot to deal with. 

Ghosting is painful for a lot of reasons. It’s hard to go from having some type of relationship with someone to silence with no warning or word as to why. It can be a big hit to your self-esteem to suddenly lose a relationship. It’s upsetting to think that you cared about someone more than they cared about you. Ghosting can also trigger abandonment trauma or fears of rejection. You might worry that no one will ever stick around in the future. 

Many of us have negative beliefs about ourselves, whether we realize it or not. There’s even a name for that critical voice in your head that reinforces those mean thoughts: the inner critic. This inner critic might tell you that you’re not loveable or not good enough. Being ghosted can reinforce those beliefs, even though they’re false. 

Ghosting is also painful because it removes any sense of closure. You might always wonder what actually happened or what would have happened if things went differently. While any relationship ending is painful, in most breakup situations, it’s clear to both sides what is going on. Ghosting removes that, so one person is left completely in the dark. 

Why do people ghost?

People’s reasons for ghosting may vary. Some people use it as a method of conflict avoidance, or out of fear. They may be afraid to have a serious conversation, afraid of the other person’s reaction, or even afraid of the unknown. Some people ghost out of a sense of self-preservation when a relationship is struggling. While it’s much better to be honest and communicate, some people might feel like going no contact is their only option. 

When people feel uncomfortable feelings, they can react in a number of ways. One way that some people react to uncomfortable emotions is by ghosting. This doesn’t excuse it, but it might give you some insight as to what is going on. 

Being ghosted feels terrible, no matter how it happens. If it’s happened to you, here are 5 ways to cope: 

Give yourself compassion

It can feel embarrassing to be ghosted, or you might feel like you did something wrong. Remember that you always deserve to be treated with respect, and give yourself lots of compassion. How would you talk to a friend in your situation? You’d probably remind them of how amazing they are, how much they have to offer, and how messed up it is that someone would treat them this way. Even if you have to pretend your friend is saying it to you, send that message of love, acceptance, and compassion to yourself. 

Don’t blame yourself

Ghosting isn’t about you. Being rejected this way feels intensely personal, but it’s often more about the person doing the ghosting and how they deal with things. You deserve to be treated with respect, and ghosting is as disrespectful as it gets. Even though it might be hard to wrap your head around it at first, anyone who deals with things by ghosting isn’t worth your time and energy anyway. 

Expose shame

Shame is really tricky to deal with. It often feels impossible to talk about, so it can be isolating. Ghosting in particular can cause shame. It feels bad to be rejected, and to make sense of it your brain might tell you that you did something to cause it. Remember though, that it’s not about you. Shame becomes less powerful when it’s shared, though. We all have things that trigger shame. Sharing about your shame with someone who is close to you can help you see how mean you’re being to yourself. 

Check your negative thoughts 

When you find yourself having distressing negative thoughts about yourself, try to check them. Are these thoughts facts, or are you dealing with cognitive distortions? Is this something that is true, or is this a story you have told yourself? Cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that aren’t true, but that we grow to believe. When you notice them popping up, do what you can to challenge those thoughts.

Don’t reach out

Even though you wish things had gone differently, the person who ghosted you has made it clear that they aren’t interested in talking. It can feel tempting to try to look for them elsewhere on the internet, but try to resist that urge. Instead of dwelling on the person who ghosted, do your best to shift your thoughts away from them. This is where a mindfulness practice can come in handy. Mindfulness will help you practice noticing your thoughts and shifting your awareness. 

Being ghosted is painful. If you’re dealing with the aftermath of ghosting, talking with a therapist can help you work through the distress you’re feeling and find ways to cope that are specific to your needs. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

3 Ways to Celebrate Platonic Relationships This February

3 Ways to Celebrate Platonic Relationships This February

Romantic relationships get a lot of attention this time of year, because Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. When we think of demonstrating our love for others, we usually think of romantic relationships first. There are lots of cultural scripts that encourage us to prioritize romantic relationships above platonic ones. It’s becoming more and more common for folks to celebrate friendships, but it can also be hard to find the time or the energy, especially in the middle of winter. 

There’s only so much energy to go around right now. We’re coming up on our third spring in this pandemic, and burnout is everywhere. When you’re burned out, the idea of doing anything, let alone the emotional labor required to maintain relationships, can be too much. If you’re feeling that way right now, you’re not alone. It’s okay to reassess what you’re able to handle relationship wise right now, and set new boundaries if necessary. 

It’s also important to note that some people simply aren’t interested in romance for whatever reason. Some folks like their independence as a single person, others might be aromantic or somewhere else on the ace spectrum. It can be jarring sometimes to see someone not following certain cultural expectations, like getting married and having 2.5 kids, but it’s also helpful for everyone to see that there’s not just one way to live your life. It’s possible to deviate from the script, and seeing someone do that can be eye opening and even give you permission to do that yourself. 

Another cultural expectation is that friendship goes on the back burner once you reach adulthood and start forming a life of your own. Some folks certainly prefer to search for a romantic partner and prioritize that relationship above the other ones in their lives, especially if they have a family together. That’s not the only way to manage relationships in adulthood, though. Some people prefer to focus on non-romantic relationships, and that’s a fine choice too. But because it’s kind of expected for folks to overlook friendships, it can be hard to find resources for how to nurture those relationships. 

Investing in our platonic relationships can help us feel more confident and secure in romantic relationships. As you nurture the relationships and connections you have outside of your romantic life, it will feel less scary being abandoned by a romantic partner. It’s often frightening to imagine what you’ll do without your partner or without a future partner, but romance isn’t the only way to make connections that can support you during hard times. Family, friends, and even coworkers can help you see that there are lots of people out there who care about you and who you can lean on, even if your romantic relationship ends. 

However you choose to structure and prioritize your relationships, it can be fun to celebrate them every once in a while. It’s pretty easy to find lists or ideas for how to celebrate romantic love, but it’s tougher to find ideas for non-romantic relationships.

If you’re looking for ways to celebrate the platonic loves in your life, here are 3 ideas to consider:

Along with Valentine’s Day, celebrate Palentine’s Day

There’s no rule saying you can’t celebrate all kinds of love this February! Enjoy Valentine’s Day, but consider celebrating your buddies too. Palentine's Day is a made up holiday focused on celebrating friendship, inspired by Galentine’s Day, a fictional holiday from the TV show Parks & Rec, that is focused on “ladies celebrating ladies.” Palentine's Day is a gender neutral way to celebrate the pals in your life (after all, not everyone’s pals are ladies!). You don’t have to throw a party or make everything perfect, but setting aside a specific time to celebrate friendships can really lift the spirits. Even if you can’t meet in person, you can send love notes to your pals telling them what you love about them. 

Make a scrapbook or online photo album with some of your cherished memories

Most of us have thousands of pictures on our phones, but how often do we go back and remember what we were taking photos of? If it’s been a while since you’ve held physical photos, getting some favorites printed can be a sweet way to remind yourself of the people you love. Deciding what photos to print can also be a nice excuse to go scrolling through your pics and reminisce about your memories. If you’re not into printing physical copies or if that’s not accessible for you, try creating an online scrapbook or photo album every once in a while to give you a reason to revisit your memories, especially with the people you love. Sharing photos, whether physical or digital, is another nice way to show people you’re thinking of them. 

Send your friends a love note

At this point, we’re all pretty tired of meeting up with our people virtually or over the phone. We’ve been semi-isolated for a few years now, and all our usual methods of communication are kind of getting old. To spice things up, send your loved ones some snail mail! It’s always fun to get an unexpected surprise in the mail, and getting a little love note from someone you care about can make someone’s whole week! Sending snail mail also lets you be a little more creative than an email, text, or video call. You can include more than just a note, you can decorate the envelope, write on fancy paper, even seal it with wax! Have fun with it and your loved ones will have fun receiving it. 

If you’re looking for more ways to nurture your relationships, whether romantic or platonic, talking with a therapist can help you discover what your needs are and how to ask for them, as well as give you a safe space to process any issues that come up in your relationships.

Adult relationships can get messy sometimes, and it can be a relief knowing that you’ll be able to talk it all through with someone who gets it. Get in touch with us today to get started!

4 Tips for Dealing With a Friend Breakup

4 Tips for Dealing With a Friend Breakup

Breaking up is hard. When we think of breakups, we often think of the end of a romantic relationship, but any kind of relationship can end. Ending friendships, or friend breakups, is especially hard, no matter which side of the breakup you’re on. Some people feel that breaking up with a close friend is actually worse than breaking up with a romantic partner. Either way, a breakup is a breakup, and it’s normal to feel pain and confusion after a relationship of any kind ends. The end of a friendship means the end of an era- no more trust, no more intimacy, no more fun. Coming to terms with this change can be really difficult. 

We have a lot of cultural messages telling us that friendship is supposed to be for life (“Best friends forever!”), so it can be a great source of shame to lose a friendship. Losing friends is also tough because it can majorly change your support network. When a romantic relationship ends, we usually count on the support and encouragement of our loved ones, like our friends and family. After a friend breakup, turning to that friend is no longer an option, which can be really hard to grapple with.

Why do friendships end? 

Friendships are like any kind of relationship - they are all unique. Some are situational, like when you work with someone. If you’ve ever left a job, you know that sometimes you don’t stay as close to your former coworkers as you did when you worked together. Some friendships come from being in the same school or town, and once one of you is no longer local the friendship fizzles. Some friendships fade away and some end with a disagreement or conflict. No matter how your friendship ended, it’s hard. Adjusting to the fact that you can’t rely on that person the way you once did takes work and time. It might be hard to open yourself up to a close friend for a while, and that’s okay. It’s a big adjustment, and it’s okay to follow whatever timeline you need. 

If you’re struggling with a friendship breakup, know that you’re not alone. So many people have been through this kind of pain, and whatever reaction you’re having is valid.

Here are some of our top tips for dealing with a friend breakup:

Update your social media settings

If you’ve gone through a friend breakup, you might even find it hard to deal with years after the fact. Friends are such an integral part of our lives that it can be tough to remove someone completely. You might still see old pictures of them around, you might be reminded of a trip you took or an inside joke you used to have with them. Social media websites might constantly bombard you with memories of years past, which can be really heartbreaking post-friend breakup. You can turn off that feature on many social sites, so if you’re in the midst of a friend breakup you might want to protect yourself that way. You can always revisit it once the pain isn’t as fresh. 

Focus on what you learned in the relationship 

Every relationship teaches us something. Some relationships teach us how to communicate, how to value ourselves, how to set boundaries, how to love someone, and some even teach us how relationships end. This might be hard at first, but focus on the good parts of what you learned from each other. Relationships aren’t failures because they end. All relationships end at some point, and it’s okay. Learning how to process and move forward from the end of a relationship is an important skill. 

Talk about it

One of the reasons why losing a friend is so hard is because there’s a sense of shame associated with it. When your BFF is no longer your forever friend, you might feel unworthy, rejected, or confused. This is because so many people keep their friendship breakups to themselves. It’s okay to talk about it and explore your feelings with the rest of your support network. Talking about it with a therapist can help you make sense of your emotions. When more people talk about the struggles they have with something, it can help us all feel less alone. 

Forgive yourself

In the aftermath of this relationship ending, you might be searching for reasons why. You might be blaming yourself for the things you did or didn’t do. You might be wondering what’s wrong with you. It’s okay to acknowledge that you played a role in the friendship ending. However, you don’t need to keep beating yourself up about it. You’re a human. You’re allowed to make mistakes. You’re also allowed to forgive yourself for those mistakes. That doesn’t mean you are going to do it again or that you haven’t learned. Forgiveness is a gift you can give yourself so you don’t feel the need to ruminate on what went wrong between you. Acknowledge what happened, admit you did the best you could at the time, and tell yourself “I forgive you.” 

Losing a friend so hard. If you’re dealing with the loss of a friendship that was important to you, know that there’s nothing wrong with you and you will get through this. Talking about it in therapy can help you come to terms with the loss and cope with your reaction in a more personalized way.

If you’re looking for support with the loss of a friendship, our clinicians are here for you.