I Hurt My Friend's Feelings, What Do I Do Now?

Hurt feelings are never an easy thing to navigate in a relationship, especially in an intimate relationship of any kind–whether that’s a romantic relationship, a sibling, a close friend, etc. And while we’ve touched on how to let someone know they’ve hurt your feelings, we haven’t yet explored what you should do if you’re the one who hurt your loved ones feelings. 

As you navigate your response, try to keep a few things in mind: 

All relationships have conflict. 

We can only avoid conflict by avoiding our true feelings in a relationship, so it’s not necessarily a sign that the relationship is a bad one. And hurting someone’s feelings doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. We’re all wounded and trying our best, and sometimes we misstep. 

It was brave for your loved one to tell you that their feelings were hurt. 

While it’s completely understandable for your own feelings to smart when you hear they’ve felt hurt by you, try to remember they’re being vulnerable with you because they trust the relationship can survive the conflict. Which brings us to the third reminder…

Taking time to talk to you about their hurt feelings is a sign that your relationship means a lot to your friend or loved one, not the other way around. 

If they didn’t care about your relationship, working toward repair for a stronger relationship wouldn’t matter. While it can feel like they’re upset at you when you’re getting through this, hold that security close when you feel vulnerable, and remind yourself that working through this is the goal for both of you. 

With those reminders in mind, here are three things you can do when you’ve hurt a loved ones feelings: 

Work to understand before saying your piece: 

Give your loved one space to explain why their feelings are hurt. What was it that you said or did that hurt them? What was happening in that moment for them? Rather than jumping right into what it was you intended, let them share with you how they experienced the situation. When you understand what was happening for them, you can more clearly understand the impact of your own behavior. Remember, they’re being very vulnerable with you. Give them space to say what they need and really try to hear them before saying your piece. 

When it is your turn, explain don’t defend: 

Everyone accidentally hurts their friend’s or loved ones from time to time. We’re all working through our own wounds and communication blocks, so misunderstandings are common–especially in close relationships where your most vulnerable insecurities are more prone to be triggered. 

Instead of getting defensive over the intention of your words, trust that your friend knows you didn’t intend to hurt them–they probably wouldn’t be vulnerable enough to share their feelings with someone they thought wanted to hurt them. It’s fine to explain how you were experiencing the situation simply, without blaming them for misunderstanding, but understand that your intentions for an interaction might not match the impact of your behavior within that interaction. It’s important to apologize for how your words or behavior were actually received if it didn’t line up with how you intended them.  

Figure out what to do if something like this comes up again: 

What makes you feel safe being vulnerable with one another? What was it exactly that brought this conflict up? How can you be mindful of what you’ve learned about one another as you go forward in your relationship? Present conflicts often dig at old wounds, so if you can work together to understand where the root of the pain is coming from, you can work together to avoid this sort of conflict or hurt feelings in the future. 

Do you struggle to communicate when someone lets you know that you’ve hurt their feelings? We can help support you. Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians! 

Why is Making Friends as an Adult so Hard? + What to Do About It

We’ve talked a bit before about what’s being called a loneliness epidemic in America–how people are having trouble right now not only making friends but keeping friends. And loneliness has real impacts on both our mental and our physical health. And according to this, loneliness puts a person at: 

• A 29% increased risk of heart disease 

• a 32% increased risk of stroke

• a 50% increased risk of developing dementia for older adults

• an elevated mortality risk that is similar to smoking 15 cigarettes a day

Knowing how important having a wealth of relationships is our to our health and happiness, why is it so hard to make friends?

There are a lot of reasons it’s so hard to make friends, especially as an adult. With the COVID pandemic, there was a necessary increase in self isolating habits. With various waves of quarantining and learning to stay distant and masked from others in public, to be more discerning of where you went to be conscientious of health risks to ourselves and others, it’s no wonder we’re all a little lonelier. Especially college students and other young adults who were entering major transitional periods in their lives when the pandemic hit, well known paths to creating relationships were suddenly unsafe or unavailable. 

But the pandemic isn’t the only cause for the lack of friendships in our lives. Other reasons can include things like: 

Financial restraints: 

While the pandemic has brought out a new wave of mutual aid and community resources, when it comes to public spaces most of the time it’s pay to stay. It’s hard to go out and find a place outside of your house where people can just be. And while there may be a thriving arts and culture scene in your city or town, you might not be able to afford to go to the events that exist on a regular enough basis to meet people and befriend them. 

Young adulthood is also a time when people frequently move for work–when you’re freshly graduated or new to a field, you have to go where you can get work! But moving itself is a huge cost, and that means there’s often very little left over to go out and spend in new social spaces. And when you’re new to an area you might not even know where to start when it comes to meeting new people. 

Cultural priorities: 

American culture doesn’t place a lot of value on tending to platonic relationships. Mostly, the value is places on heterosexual romantic relationships and “traditional” family structures (ie. family structures that uphold patriarchal power). Take this example from the American Survey Center:

“Overall, more than half (53 percent) of Americans say that the first person they talk to when they have a personal problem is their spouse or partner. Sixteen percent of the public say they go to a friend first when confronting a personal issue, and 10 percent say they rely on their parents.” 

Friendships become communities of support–communities which go against the American ideal of self sufficiency. Because they present this sort of counter-culture to the American way, we don’t put value onto platonic relationships the way we do with others and we don’t learn how to make, cultivate and sustain intimate them/

The American ethic also prioritizes work above all–so feeling the need to turn down invitations or restrict time with others in order to get work done is so commonplace we don’t even question it. 

Accessibility/Marginalization:

As we’ve said before: discrimination, oppression, barriers to healthcare and other services, and stigma are some reasons why marginalized groups are more likely to experience loneliness and social isolation.

For some people, whether they’re people of color, visibly queer or gender nonconforming, disabled, or marginalized in some other way, venturing into new spaces is dangerous and fraught with all sorts of concerns about whether you’ll be tolerated, welcomed, ignored, or worse. 

So what can you do?

Start small:

You don’t have to snap up every opportunity that comes up in your desire to meet new people and make new friends. That’s a one way ticket to burnout! Instead, go to things you’re really excited about–not things you have to convince yourself to go to. 

Find local groups to follow online–lots of organizations do their promotional work and networking on Instagram, you can find them via local hashtags or check and see who local businesses and friends are following. 

When you do find clubs, groups or organizations you’re interested in, you can follow their accounts to see what types of events they tend to host, how often they show up, etc. so you can decide if it’s a group you want to try out 

A tip: If you follow them for longer than a month or two without going to an event ask yourself if you’re really interested in going or if it’s just taking up space on your feed.

Find something you’re interested in, whether you experience it alone or not. Then you’ll be looking forward to it, whether or not you “meet” your goal of making new friends, and the open, positive attitude will help you connect with people more naturally. 

Starting off with just one new thing (whether it’s a club, somewhere to volunteer, a class to take) will help you manage your energy and balance your own needs as you try something new–which can often required some extra self care and attention to yourself! 

Instead of taking a bunch of classes to increase your chances of meeting a bunch of people and making a bunch of friends, join one class and commit to it. Really try to learn and connect with the people in that class, instead of making a bunch of surface level connections that will peter out as soon as the classes are over. 

Set boundaries:

How much time do you need alone to take care of yourself and recharge? How long does it take for happy scrolling to turn into unhappy scrolling on social media? Set boundaries around how long you spend online and what you look at so it does its job of helping you connect instead of increasing your loneliness. 

Try to be consistent:

If you join a club, show up to as many meetings as you reasonably can. If you sign up to volunteer somewhere, don’t drop in and out unexpectedly. If you enroll in a class, show up for each lesson. When you’re consistently showing up somewhere, consistently interacting with people, you get a chance to know them better and more opportunities to turn acquaintances into friendships 

Ask for help:

It’s okay if you don’t know where to start. Loneliness is hard to combat, and trying to do it on our own is a losing battle. Reach out to friends in other cities. How did they meet people when they moved? What do they like to do when they’re feeling lonely? Even if they don’t have tips that will work for you, they probably can relate to feelings of loneliness. And that connection can help both of you feel less alone. 

A therapist is a good resource too. If you don’t know where to start when it comes to making new friends and managing loneliness, talking to your therapist about what obstacles you’re facing is a great first step. 

A therapist can help teach you new ways to cope and explore ways to build community and support. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians.