Is Perfectionism Holding You Back?

What is perfectionism?

“Perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks.” That is how Psychology Today makes short work of defining perfectionism. While simple, this succinct definition of perfection hits the nail on the head. 

While achieving perfection sounds positive, the trait of perfectionism is actually more toxic than beneficial to our overall health and wellness–because, as most of us know, perfection isn’t actually possible to achieve. Instead, perfectionism is a trait that acts as a harsh, critical voice inside our heads, making us too afraid of failure or criticism to try new things, expand our world, or let ourselves be vulnerable in any way. 

In essence, if you are a perfectionist, the thought of doing something incorrectly can hinder you from trying it at all. There is a constant fear of judgement, criticism, or ridicule in the back of your mind. You also likely attribute your value, your worthiness, your purpose, etc. to things that you can achieve. Due to this, the idea that you might not be successful at something new isn’t just a learning experience for you; it’s an experience that makes you question your value entirely. 

Signs you might be a perfectionist: 

• You would rather not do something at all, than do it incorrectly

• You’re specific about your process: things have to be done in a certain way or else they are wrong

• You’re overly critical of yourself

• You pay more attention to criticism than praise

• Your standards (in work, regarding personal goals, etc.) are extremely high

• You’re prone to procrastination

• You invest too much time in something, often “correcting” mistakes that others don’t see

•  Success is never enough: no matter what you accomplish, you feel you can still achieve more.

Where does it come from?

As we touched on above, perfectionism is rooted in fear, which can essentially be boiled down to one general fear: that you won’t be enough. 

Whether that comes in the form of not being smart enough to do something well, or not being creative enough to tackle a new project, or not being skilled enough to be an expert at everything, there’s is an underlying fear at the root of all perfectionism. 

In the mind of a perfectionist, criticism isn’t just a tool that can be used to learn, grow, and get better. It’s a judgement on their worthiness, their quality, all of the core parts of their identity. 

How does it impact our lives?

Obviously, this trait can have a huge impact on our lives. 

Whether your perfectionism comes in the form of obsessively hiding your imperfections from others, or in trying to achieve perfection in all things, it can take a huge toll on the self. 

If you are constantly worrying about perceived imperfections, you will be more concerned with how you’re appearing to others than actually taking care of yourself. Rather than making decisions based on what it is you need and want, you’ll make decisions based on how those choices will appear to an outside observer. 

And if you are constantly trying to achieve (or at least project) perfection in all things, failure–or not being able to achieve absolute perfection–will feel devastating. In fact, it will feel so horrible that you likely will stop trying new things, stop allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and stick only with what you know you can do. 

In either of these cases, it’s clear that perfectionism is a one way track to stopping our growth and self betterment. 

How can we resist the pressure of perfectionism?

Learning to resist the compulsion for perfectionism is hard, and can feel very scary. But it is also an amazing step on your journey toward self care! While healing from perfectionism can be a long and arduous journey, there are a few things you can do for yourself to get you started:

1). Give yourself concrete reasons for change

This may seem silly at first, but make a pro + con list when you see your perfectionism rearing its head. How are you benefitting from the need for perfection? How is it holding you back? Maybe there’s a big project you need to be working on, but you know that you aren’t ready to do it perfectly, so you’re putting it off. The “pro” here is that you’re giving yourself a sense of reassurance that there will be a later time when you’re more prepared to handle this task, and you are saving yourself from immediate criticism. But how else is it impacting your life? In the “con” side you might out things like: putting this project off is making it harder to manage my time, I’m constantly stressed because I know I will have to deal with it later, I’m giving myself a shorter amount of time to produce something of quality, etc. 

Be kind to yourself when doing this exercise. Remind yourself that your perfectionism serves a purpose–it likely exists to offer you some sort of protection. However, at this point in your life, the protection it offers is outweighed by the burden it puts on you. Giving yourself a physical list to show this can be a powerful reminder & motivator when trying to overcome your perfectionism. 

2). Celebrate what you’ve done well

A big problem in perfectionism is that when a perfectionist is not 100% successful at something, they don’t just see it as an instance in which they failed. Rather, they see it as the turning point when they became a failure. Reminding yourself of things you have accomplished, jobs done well, even small victories, can help you to remember that even if you don’t succeed at one thing, you aren’t a failure. 

3). Only compare yourself to you 

If you’re trying something new, and you compare yourself to an expert, you’re obviously going to feel like you’re coming up short. Instead, use yourself as the yardstick to measure accomplishment. If you want to learn to play the piano, don’t compare your first day at a piano to Elton John now. Instead, think about how yesterday, you didn’t have the courage to even sit down at a piano, and now you’re actively learning! In a month, or a year, you’ll be able to look back and see what progress you’ve made. 

---

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

11 Mindful Quotes for Serenity and Clarity

So often we hear messages from society that we need to be fitter, prettier, more youthful, wealthier and to reach some future state of being in order to be happy but the truth is that peace and contentment are available to you in the here and now.

It takes committed insight and intention to connect with life as it is and to see reality clearly rather than your distortions of it. Mindfulness helps you cultivate an awareness and peace with life, in the present moment, as it is. It releases you from the patterns of negative thinking, feeling, and behaving that cause you pain and suffering and helps you reconnect to yourself, to become awakened to serenity and calmness that sustains you throughout life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Below are 11 Mindful Quotes for Serenity and Clarity

“Gratitude reminds us to be like plants, which turn toward, not away from the light.”

— Mary Jane Ryan

“We find out what we really value in the daily decisions that we make, so we might do well to stop occasionally and respectfully ask ourselves: What truly matters? Asked regularly and fearlessly, it is the single question that will help you get to the heart of your life.”

— James E. Ryan

“When you know who you are; when your mission is clear and you burn with the inner fire of unbreakable will, no cold can touch your heart; no deluge can dampen your purpose. You know that you are alive.”

— Chief Seattle

“When we let go of the need to prove ourselves, nothing and no one can disturb the quiet and peace of our minds.”

— Iyanla Vanzant

“Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better than the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.”

— Oprah Winfrey

“If we can dance like fire, we’d never get burned.”

— Ben Harper

“You are worthy. You are not broken; you are, in fact, beautifully whole. No matter what you’ve been through, you have the power to write a brave, new ending. It will take work. It will take courage. But healing is possible, and the gift of your trauma is that it creates resiliency and reveals your strength.”

— Liz Arch

“Mindfulness is being aware of, or bringing attention to, this moment in time, on purpose and with intention. So w hen we go for a mindful walk and really notice every little detail around us — trees, cars, little flowers growing out of small cracks, a pretty cat crossing the road — rather than creating “To Do Lists,” we may feel truly enchanted with life.”

— Patrizia Collard

“Waking up this morning, I smile.
Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.
I vow to live fully in each moment
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”

— Thich Nhat Hanh

---

psychologist in mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna, va

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

Accepting Yourself Unconditionally, As You Are

“You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.”

— Eckhart Tolle

So many of us are able to love and to feel compassion for others, but what about ourselves? So often, we feel inadequate — we are all too familiar with our weaknesses and judge ourselves for our bodies, mistakes we’ve made, things we’ve said and done, feeling guilty and undisciplined for all the tasks we haven’t done, our level of productivity — the list goes on. We never feel quite good enough, never feel comfortable in our own skin. So we work on exercising and becoming thinner, smarter, more productive — working toward an end goal of who we ultimately want to be.

The problem is this day never seems to come. Somehow, it always feels as if it is beyond the horizon. It’s healthy to strive toward improvement, but when we are always striving for the next level or chasing an ideal, we end up on a treadmill which never seems to end. We are not able to appreciate the happiness that is available here and now. We are not able to awaken to the power that is currently within us.

What if you accepted and loved yourself unconditionally and radically? What if you directed the love that you feel so naturally for others toward yourself? And what if you did this today, here, now?

The truth is that you’re not perfect, but none of us are. Each of us longs to be seen and to be loved and valued. We each seek to find our place in the world. You’re human, and all the messy and imperfect and beautiful things that this means. Yes, you’ve made mistakes. Yes, you might be overweight. But you’re also awesome and wonderfully made as you are.

Love yourself today, and all the things you are seeking to change. Acceptance has a paradoxical quality to it. It’s funny how it works. Because once you accept, change is able to occur. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you’re happy with where you are currently at. Nor does it mean that you will stagnate. Instead, acceptance is the very soil through which you will blossom and grow. It’s the foundation of change.

So let go of criticism and judgment. It feels so much more natural and comfortable, but it is holding you back. Let your foundation in life be one of acceptance and love. Let it flow and guide you to your highest and greatest purpose and being.

---

psychologist in mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna, va

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

17 Quotes on Love and Letting Go That'll Help You Move Forward and Heal Again

We all experience pain and heartbreak in our lives. It can be difficult to let go of past hurt and disappointments. With depression, we are often stuck in the past, and with anxiety, we are often worried about the future. The key to happiness is letting go and living in the present to feel more peace and enjoyment in life. Below are 17 letting go quotes that’ll help you move forward through difficult times and heal again.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”

— Hermann Hesse

“In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.”

— Deepak Chopra

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

— Alexander Graham Bell

“There’s an important difference between giving up and letting go.”

— Jessica Hatchigan

“ When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. ”

— Lao Tzu

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure. ”

— Oprah Winfrey

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.”

— JK Rowling

“We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

— Joseph Campbell

“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. ”

— Thich Nhat Hanh

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.”

— Steve Maraboli

“When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear…. When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all.”

— Gerald G. Jampolsky

“If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.”

— Sarah Dessen

“Let go of certainty. The opposite isn’t uncertainty. It’s openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.”

— Tony Schwartz

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.”

— Stephen King

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”

— Ann Landers

“Most things are forgotten over time. Even the war itself, the life-and-death struggle people went through is now like something from the distant past. We’re so caught up in our everyday lives that events of the past are no longer in orbit around our minds. There are just too many things we have to think about everyday, too many new things we have to learn. But still, no matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away. They remain with us forever, like a touchstone.”

— Haruki Murakami

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”

— Deborah Reber

---

therapist in mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

4 Ways to Train Your Brain for Greater Happiness and Success

Life is hard and it can be painful. As humans faced with this pain and difficulty, we can get stuck in it, and feel heavy and burdened. When faced with barriers, we feel overwhelmed. When things get uncomfortable or distressing, we begin to avoid the discomfort — until eventually we forget what is truly important to us and our lives. Some of us lose hope and forget our dreams. Others give up dreaming altogether.

But there is a way forward.

ACT — Acceptance and Commitment Therapy — teaches us how to move from avoidance to acceptance and valued directions in our lives. Using it, we can train our minds to become more flexible, open, and able to accept the pain that life brings, all while moving towards our values — the things we find truly important in our lives.

Research shows that the human brain is plastic. It can be trained to learn new skills and patterns of thinking, which in turn influence new actions in your life. It’s not easy — it takes time, support, patience, and consistent practice — but it can be done.

A good place to start training your mind is with the acronym DARE. According to ACT, DARE stands for the following:

D: Defusion. Acknowledge your thoughts. Observe them. Recognize them for what they are — thoughts, and rather than seeing through them, let them pass like leaves on a stream.

A: Acceptance of discomfort. Make room for unpleasant emotions. Breathe into them. Make room for them and allow space for them in order to do what matters to you.

R: Realistic goals. Break down large goals into smaller, actionable tasks. Gain the necessary skills to achieve goals. Problem solve ways to obtain resources needed for goals. Adjust goals so that they are specific, measurable, and able to be accomplished. This will help you increase success and enable continued patterns of achieving goals.

E: Embrace values. Explore what is important to you. What would success, happiness, and living a whole life mean to you and what would it specifically look like? Connect your goals to your values. Are your goals serving a greater purpose for you? Do you feel that they are meaningful? Do they move you toward the person and life you want to live?

It might not be easy, but change is possible. The question then, is whether you are wiling to take the first initial steps towards change and to embrace the discomfort that goes along with it, if it means that you would be moving towards the greater, fuller life you envision for yourself.

(The source of the above acronym is from Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap. If you found this post helpful, I highly recommend checking his work out or finding a therapist who practices Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to help support you toward your desired goals.)

---

psychologist in mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

19 Inspiring Acceptance Quotes on Moving Forward and Letting Go

It can be hard to accept what is difficult, something you would rather not be the case. It can be hard to accept life’s disappointments — things you feel as if you will never get past or move on from.

But the truth is that it is possible. I know not only through my work as a psychologist, but also because I’ve been there. If you can accept what is, if you can face it, then you can move forward through it and find greater peace and wholeness.

Below are 19 acceptance quotes to help you move forward and let go.

“I think that you never fall out of love with somebody, you just let go and move on.”

— Ashley Rickards

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.”

— Lao Tzu

“There’s no point in arguing and loving someone who doesn’t want to be with you and doesn’t want to keep you in his life.. the real person will try harder to reach out and work for the best and what’s supposed to be done to their relationship.. but things are not so good this time, it’s time to try letting go.”

— Ressha

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”

— Oprah Winfrey

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”

— Steve Maraboli

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”

— Deborah Reber

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.”

— Stephen King

“What happens when you let go, when your strength leaves you and you sink into darkness, when there’s nothing that you or anyone else can do, no matter how desperate you are, no matter how you try? Perhaps it’s then, when you have neither pride nor power, that you are saved, brought to an unimaginably great reward.”

— Mark Halperin

“They say when you really love someone, you should be willing to set them free. So that is what I am doing. I will step back and you will move on. I will let you go….Your happiness means everything to me. I will listen for your voice in the distance. I will look at the moon. I will keep you in my pocket. I will carry your smile with me everywhere, like a warm and comforting glow.”

— Tabitha Suzuma

“Sometimes the door closes on a relationship, not because we failed but because something bigger than us says this no longer fits our life. So, lock the door, shed a tear, turn around and look for the new door that’s opened. It’s a sign that you’re no longer that person you were, it’s time to change into who you are. It’s going to be okay.”

— Lee Goff

“Letting go of someone we love is the hardest thing we will ever do. Some people never surrender to love for the fear of being hurt. But to not have loved, to not have felt the immense joy it brings, would have been a far worse kind of death.”

— Goldie Hawn

“Take all the time you need to heal emotionally. Moving on doesn’t take a day, it takes lots of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self.”

— Tere Arigo

“Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger.”

— Sara Evans

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”

— Ann Lander

“No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.”

— Haruki Murakami

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.”

— Steve Maraboli

“The day I understood everything, was the day I stopped trying to figure everything out. The day I knew peace was the day I let everything go.”

— C. JoyBell C.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

— Lao Tzu

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”

— J.K. Rowling

---

Falls church psychologist, therapist in tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!