6 Ways Cooking Together Builds Intimacy

Do you have plans for this Valentine’s Day?  

A third pandemic Valentine’s Day in a row might not sound super exciting, we know. Depending on what’s happening in your local area there might be some restrictions on where you and your partner can even spend the day celebrating! 

If you’re trying to think of something to do this Valentine’s Day, consider simply cooking a meal with your loved one. 

It might sound simple, but cooking a meal together can be a great (and fun!) way to spend quality time with your partner and build intimacy between the two of you. 

And of course, this doesn’t have to be limited to romantic relationships! While Valentine’s Day is primarily about romantic relationships, you can expand the meaning of the day to celebrate any sort of meaningful relationship in your life! Because even if you aren’t currently involved in a romantic relationship, you have plenty of other significant relationships in your life. 

And intimacy isn’t inherently romantic. Being intimate with someone is just about feeling comfortable being vulnerable and your authentic self with someone else. You can build that connection in any sort of relationship! 

So why cook a meal together? 

It’s a simple thing, but there is so much intimacy in it! Here are 6 reasons cooking together can help build intimacy: 

Firstly, you have to remain present: 

When you’re cooking, you have to be fully in the moment, thinking about the food you’re preparing, how it will work together, the step you’re on, the smells and sights in front of you, etc. Cooking is basically one big mindfulness practice! And when it comes to spending time with loved ones, it’s quality over quantity–meaning, it’s better to be fully engaged and present with a loved one for a short amount of time, than to spend all day together when neither one of you is really existing in the present moment. So cooking a meal together is a great way to ground yourselves in the present moment and really enjoy your time together meaningfully. 

You’re connecting over a shared goal:

Does that sound silly? It might, but it’s true! In order to even get to the stage where you’re cooking together you need to: agree to cook together, agree on what you want to eat, get the ingredients and materials for what you want to prepare, and only then can you start actually preparing it together. This is a lot of cooperation! It might not feel big to you, but think of how long it takes you to decide what you want for dinner on a day you’re burned out. It’s seeming more impressive to do it with another person, and then work together to make that meal happen, right? 

It’s dependent on communication: 

Unless you’re both naturally instinctive chefs, you’re going to need to communicate with one another about what you both need to do and how you need to work together to get the meal prepared! No, you don’t need to map out a battle plan, but this shows up in the small things like “can you chop the onions while I melt the butter?” Having a whole activity that requires the two of  you to really listen and respond to one another can help you appreciate how well you work together. 

Nourishing one another is inherently intimate:

Taking time to lovingly prepare a meal for someone and then make sure they eat it is one of the biggest ways humans connect intimately with one another! Think of parents and children: one of the most significant relationships in our lives, and so much bonding within that relationship happens over meal times. Whether that’s the contact from holding a baby as you feed them or sharing stories over meals at family dinners, nourishing one another is a wonderful way to bond.  Taking time to prepare a meal for someone says: I care about you, I want to make sure you’re well nourished. What could be more loving than that?

Cooking is a sensual experience:

Cooking and eating engage all of your senses, and often link it with pleasure! While you’re cooking you’re focused on: how does this food look? How does it smell? Does it taste good? What can I do to make it more enjoyable? Connecting with your partner over what’s pleasing to your senses is a wonderful way to connect intimately (or even erotically)  without needing sex to enter the picture at all. 

Cooking can strengthen your emotional ties:

Cooking can be a very personal experience. We so often learn to cook from loved ones (parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles, etc.) or people with significant relationships to us.  There is a lot of emotion and nostalgia tied to cooking. It’s something that engages all of your senses which means your memories tied to it will be strong! Cooking with a partner gives you an opportunity to share those memories–you can teach them how to cook something your parents taught you, or something connected with a happy memory that you get to share with them. 

If you’re looking for more ways to build intimacy in  your relationship, couples therapy can give you a safe and compassionate space to explore and grow closer. Get in touch today to get started! 

Why Conflict In Your Relationship Can Be A Good Thing

How do you handle conflict with your partner? 

Every relationship deals with conflict at some point or another. Both parties might not always be aware of the conflict, but conflict is there all the same. It seems wild that conflict can actually have a positive effect on a relationship, but in truth, conflict is an opportunity.  

Have you ever been upset with someone, and kept it to yourself, for whatever reason? It probably makes sense in your head - getting your feelings out in the open might hurt the other person’s feelings, leading to a conflict that you don’t feel emotionally or physically prepared for. Avoiding conflict then seems to make sense. Instead of rocking the boat and saying how you really feel, you can just keep it all inside and hope it goes away. 

That doesn’t sound like a great plan, does it? Avoiding conflict by burying your feelings isn’t actually helpful long term. Constantly swallowing your feelings for the sake of the other person is a recipe for resentment after a while. Resentment is really an emotional distance between you and your partner, so avoiding conflict for the sake of the relationship is counterintuitive, anyway. The tradeoff is basically this: have an awkward, uncomfortable, probably emotional conversation or keep it to yourself and create distance in the relationship. It’s up to you to decide if the relationship is worth the conflict to you. 

Sometimes, the conflict won’t be worth it. There’s the old saying about knowing when to pick your battles, and it applies to relationships, too. Not everything is worth an argument, but make sure you’re choosing to avoid an argument for the right reasons, instead of just to avoid the conflict. 

Conflict is inevitable, and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, conflict can just be a sign that there is a need for more communication. Here are some of the reasons why conflict is actually a good thing in relationships: 

Conflict leads to change

Instead of framing conflict as a fight with your partner, think about it as a tool to facilitate change in your relationship. Nothing can stay the same forever, and when you and your partner butt heads, it’s probably a sign that something needs to change. It’s a great opportunity to open up the lines of communication and see what can be improved. 

 Conflict can let you feel closer to your partner

Instead of a “me versus you” mentality, think about it as “us versus the problem”. It can feel really liberating to communicate freely with your partner, even when you know it might lead to conflict, especially if you know that conflict isn’t the end of a relationship. When you feel seen and heard by your partner, you may start to feel closer to them. 

Get to know your partner better 

One key to successful conflict is empathy. If you can empathize with your partner and try to see where they’re coming from, it might be easier to see why they do and say the things they do. Conflict also lets you see if you and your partner draw the same conclusions about a situation. Remember, just because you think it or feel it, doesn’t mean it’s true.  You might think you know the root cause of their behavior, but the truth might surprise you. 

Conflict tells us what’s really important to us

What gets you upset? That’s a quick way to figure out what’s important to you. You’ll probably have to do some self-reflection on this, but when you are in conflict with someone, try to get to the root cause. Are you mad that your partner bailed on your plans? Or are you worried they don’t value spending time with you? See if you can investigate your feelings to find out what the cause of your upset is.  

Conflict lets you practice communication

One thing that is pretty universal is that we’re not as good at communicating as we think we are. A lot of times, we expect people to read our minds somehow instead of being up front about what we need. When you experience conflict with a partner, it’s a chance to level up your communication. You can figure out how to make each other feel seen, how to apologize to and comfort one another, and you can figure out the nuances of each communication style. Once you figure out how to effectively communicate with your partner, you will probably feel safer talking to them about serious or emotional topics. 

Are you ready to experience successful conflict with your partner? Get in touch with us today to find support as you and your partner go on this journey together. 

therapists in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

18 Beautiful Quotes About Intimacy and Love

Intimacy is often confused with sex, but in actuality it involves feeling deeply emotionally connected with another person and a desire to be deeply known. Intimacy is not something achieved quickly, but rather something that continues to mature and develop over time, like a garden or fine wine. Although intimacy is something many of us long for, not all of us find or experience it in our relationships. This is because intimacy involves being vulnerable — taking emotional risks and working through the fear of allowing another person to see you as you truly are. It involves trust, caring, acceptance, safety, and connection. To nurture intimacy is to be willing to show all sides of yourself, to embrace differences, to grow from conflict, and to choose our partners — the individuals we share our hearts with — wisely.

Below are 18 quotes on intimacy and love demonstrating their beauty and timelessness.

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”

— John Joseph Powell, The Secret of Staying in Love

“I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other’s wounds; they repair the broken skin.”

— Lauren Oliver

“Most people are slow to champion love because they fear the transformation it brings into their lives. And make no mistake about it: love does take over and transform the schemes and operations of our egos in a very mighty way.”

— Aberjhani

“True love is not a hide and seek game: in true love, both lovers seek each other.”

— ichael Bassey Johnson

“The deepest moments of intimacy occur when you’re not talking.”

— Patricia Love

“Can the purpose of a relationship be to trigger our wounds? In a way, yes, because that is how healing happens; darkness must be exposed before it can be transformed. The purpose of an intimate relationship is not that it be a place where we can hide from our weaknesses, but rather where we can safely let them go. It takes strength of character to truly delve into the mystery of an intimate relationship, because it takes the strength to endure a kind of psychic surgery, an emotional and psychological and even spiritual initiation into the higher Self. Only then can we know an enchantment that lasts.”

— Marianne Williamson

“They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Love is like breathing. You take it in and let it out.”

— Wally Lamb

“Intimacy is a totally different dimension. It is allowing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself.”

— Osho

“Real intimacy is a sacred experience. It never exposes its secret trust and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture. Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved.”

— John O'Donohue

“Intimacy is not something that just happens between two people; it is a way of being alive. At every moment, we are choosing either to reveal ourselves or to protect ourselves, to value ourselves or to diminish ourselves, to tell the truth or to hide. To dive into life or to avoid it. Intimacy is making the choice to be connected to, rather than isolated from, our deepest truth at that moment.”

— Geneen Roth

“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”

— Jane Austen

“If you love a person and live the whole life with him or with her, a great intimacy will grow and love will have deeper and deeper revelations to make to you. It is not possible if you go on changing partners very often. It is as if you go on changing a tree from one place to another, then another; then it never grows roots anywhere. To grow roots, a tree needs to remain in one place. Then it goes deeper; then it becomes stronger. Intimacy is good, and to remain in one commitment is beautiful, but the basic necessity is love. If a tree is rooted in a place where there are only rocks and they are killing the tree, then it is better to remove it. Then don’t insist that it should remain in the one place. Remain true to life – remove the tree, because now it is going against life.”

— Osho

“If fear is the great enemy of intimacy, love is its true friend.”

— Henri Nouwen

“Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling.”

— Joyce Brothers

“My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.”

— Maya Angelou

“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.”

— Ann Landers

“To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well.”

— John Gray

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Therapist in mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!