6 Ways to Support Mental Health After Pregnancy Loss

Pregnancy loss is multifaceted, and it impacts both mental and physical health. In the immediate aftermath of a miscarriage, you might experience a range of emotions and urges that feel confusing or even scary. Miscarriage is a major loss, even if it’s one that people often don’t talk about. 

Losing a pregnancy can be incredibly traumatic. Grief is already a difficult emotion to deal with, but the taboo around miscarriage adds to many people’s pain and suffering. Often, people who experience a miscarriage are encouraged to keep their feelings to themselves, which makes them feel even more alone. 

Another aspect of pregnancy loss is the complicated feelings it can bring up around your body and your health. It can be jarring and immensely stressful to think there is something wrong with you or your partner that is causing pregnancy loss, especially if you’ve experienced multiple losses. 

Miscarriage can also be expensive, especially for families who are already struggling with money, because they often require medical care or even surgery. Some people struggle to take time off work to deal with the aftermath of pregnancy loss. And in a post-Roe America, losing a pregnancy can even lead to legal consequences, which can make it even harder to seek proper care for your mental and physical health. 

The period after pregnancy loss can be complicated, emotional, and intense. If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, here are some ways to support your mental health in the aftermath: 

Allow yourself to feel your feelings

Feeling the intense emotions that accompany pregnancy loss can be intimidating. Painful emotions are difficult to experience, and we often do whatever we can to avoid the painful feelings, because they’re so distressing. However, emotions have to be felt to help them pass. Trying to suppress your intense emotions can work in the moment, but they can’t be suppressed forever.

In the moment, it can be hard to remember that the sharpness of this grief won’t last forever, even though the grief might not ever go away fully. Grieving is allowing yourself the time and space to let your life expand around the grief you feel. Eventually, this experience will make up just a part of your story, even if it feels like it’s your whole story right now. You’re not doomed to feel this intensely forever. Doing your best to allow the painful feelings to come forward when you’re able to cope with them successfully can make a big difference in processing your grief. 

Remember you’re not alone

Miscarriage is unfortunately all too common, but that doesn’t make going through the experience any easier. There are probably many people in your life that have experienced this kind of loss before, even if you don’t know about it. 

Even if you’re not ready to talk to people you know about it, you can look up resources online from others who have gone through this too. You can lean on the wisdom of those who have come before you during this complicated experience without even having to talk about it if you’re not ready. 

Talk about it (if you’re up for it)

You don’t have to suffer alone, and you don’t have to keep how you feel to yourself. You’re not the only person who’s gone through this, and you don’t have to get through this on your own. As humans, we naturally seek out connections with others, and those connections can be a powerful source of support during times of grief. If you feel ready to talk about it with someone you trust, don’t hold back. 

Speaking with other people who have experienced this type of loss can help you feel less alone, and give you ideas for how to get through this tough time. Sometimes it’s comforting to talk to friends or family, and sometimes it’s helpful to talk to support groups or a therapist. 

Try distress tolerance skills 

When we’re in crisis, it can often be a painful and scary experience. Distress tolerance skills, which come from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), are designed to help you make it through a crisis without relying on harmful or self destructive behaviors. 

Some of distress tolerance skills to try include: 

• Distract with A.C.C.E.P.T.S - doing something to take your mind off of the painful emotions you’re experiencing 

• Self Soothing with the 5 senses - using your senses to bring you back to the present moment 

• IMPROVE the moment - a set of skills to reduce distress in the moment using your mind and body

• Pros and Cons - weigh your choices to help you make decisions from your wise mind

• S.T.O.P. - to help you pause before engaging in destructive behavior

• T.I.P.P. - using your body’s chemistry to lower your distress level using temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation

• Turning the Mind - opening yourself up to eventually feeling acceptance 

• Radical Acceptance - lowering your distress by accepting what is, instead of fighting against it 

Be gentle with yourself

When you’re in the midst of something difficult and traumatic, it can be hard to find the mental bandwidth to be kind to yourself. That doesn’t mean that it’s not important to be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you go through this tough time. 

It might be hard to access kindness and self-compassion all of the time, but try to spend at least a few moments each day being kind to yourself. Try talking to yourself in the mirror, or saying affirmations to remind yourself that you’re worthy of care and love. 

Acknowledge your loss however feels right

One reason why miscarriage is so difficult is that it feels unacknowledged as a “real” loss by most of the world. Pregnancy loss is something that birthing people are pressured to keep secret, both out of shame and out of grief. An important part of grieving is to find ways to acknowledge your loss in a way that honors your feelings. 

Having a memorial, planting a tree, writing a letter, getting a tattoo, or wearing a piece of jewelry to memorialize your baby can be ways to acknowledge your loss and honor their memory. It’s okay to acknowledge how massive this loss is for you in whatever way feels right. 

Miscarriage can have a massive impact on mental and physical health. If you’re struggling to cope after pregnancy loss, working with a therapist can help you work through your feelings and find ways to grieve without shame. 

Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness have appointments available in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. Contact us to get started.

4 Ways to Support Someone Struggling With Infertility

Sometimes, someone we love is going through something we have no experience with, but we still want to support them. That’s part of having relationships with people, romantic or otherwise - they’re built on care and mutual support. That’s why it’s so frustrating when someone is experiencing something that we can’t really help with, like losing a loved one, the end of a partnership, or even struggling with infertility. 

We still have a lot of cultural taboos in the United States, and talking about mental health, especially when it comes to the mental health of folks who can get pregnant, is difficult for many. Part of why it’s so hard to talk about pregnancy loss and infertility is because it’s still dismissed and not talked about openly.  We also tend to think that carrying a child to term is an easy, commonplace thing, but for some people, it just isn’t possible. As a society, however, we usually expect folks struggling with infertility to keep it to themselves. If someone you know has confided in you about infertility, that is a very big deal - that means they trust you enough to react appropriately and support them. 

The reasons that people experience infertility aren’t always understood, which can make the experience even more devastating. Some of the factors thought to be involved are genetic defects, viral or bacterial infections, hormone imbalances, and autoimmune disorders. However, much of the time there isn’t an easy answer as to why the person is struggling to conceive. 

It’s natural to want to support the people you care about, so if you know someone who is struggling with infertility, you’re probably looking for a way to genuinely help. Here are some ways to support someone experiencing infertility: 

Practice holding space

A lot of times our instinct is to help and protect the people we love, especially when they’re hurting. However, sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there and hold space for the emotions they’re going through. “Holding space” means being physically, mentally, and emotionally present for someone. It means putting your focus on someone to support them as they feel their feelings instead of focusing on your own. 

Don’t ask, “Have you tried x?”

They have probably been working closely with their physician to figure this out - while asking “Have you tried X?” might seem helpful, it’s just unnecessary. Assume that they know their body and their medical history better than you. We often feel the need to throw out solutions when someone is in pain, but that probably won’t make the person feel better, only ourselves. 

Watch what you say in general

Feeling like they can’t talk about their experience with infertility can make the experience even more lonely. Some common responses to hearing about infertility are, “You can always try again,” "Whose fault is it?", "What's wrong with you?" “How are you paying for all that?" “Have you considered adoption?” “Maybe it’s not meant to be.” Most people who say these things don’t intend to be cruel, but these statements can minimize the grief and sorrow that the person is feeling. Instead of saying something just to say something, think carefully about how your words will be interpreted. 

Limit the baby talk

If you have kids or are expecting a child, it’s natural to want to talk about it. However, there are probably plenty of folks in your life who can handle these conversations - don’t push them on a friend who is dealing with infertility. Know that your friend probably doesn’t really resent you for your family, but it’s tough to talk about all the same. Try to be as kind and understanding as possible, and don’t take it personally if the other person needs some space from baby and pregnancy talk. 

If you’re close with someone who is dealing with infertility, it can be confusing to know how to help. Remember to be kind and think about the other person’s needs and just hold space where you can. If you need more ideas for support in this area, our clinicians can help you come up with some.