6 Safe Ways to Express Anger

How do you react when you feel angry?

For a lot of people, anger is a confusing emotion. Everyone feels anger, of course, but we often aren’t taught how to deal with anger in a healthy way when we are young. It can feel like the only way to respond to anger is through yelling or violence, but that’s a myth that stems from our anger-phobic culture. 

Why are we afraid of anger?

Think about what comes up for you when you think about anger. For a lot of folks, those memories, emotions, and sensations are related to painful or frightening experiences. Feeling painful emotions is uncomfortable, so lots of us do whatever we can to avoid dealing with them, even if we don’t do that consciously. Many of us are in the habit of repressing our anger to the point where we might not think we feel it at all. 

Our culture has one very narrow view of anger: anger can be felt by a man, and he can respond to the anger he feels with violence. Whether that violence is a yelling match, hurting themselves, or hurting others, the typical reaction to anger that we see in the media is one that is out of control and scary. Our culture follows this script and encourages anger in men, and represses anger in women. 

Many women don’t feel that they experience anger at all, because women aren’t socialized to express anger. Women are often forced to hide their anger or ignore it entirely because our society doesn’t give women the option to be angry. Think of stereotypes like calling a woman “crazy” when she’s upset about something in a relationship, or the racist stereotype of the “angry Black woman.” Anger isn’t something women are allowed to feel like any other emotion - either we are forced to repress it, or it becomes our whole identity. 

Why can’t we just ignore anger?

The problem with repressing emotions is that they never stay repressed permanently. They always come up at one point or another, often when you’re least prepared to deal with them. Repressed anger doesn’t feel good. Anger is a powerful emotion, and it can have powerful effects when it’s not properly expressed. Repressing anger can lead to major swings in mood, increased irritability, and even anxiety and depression. 

Anger is a normal emotion. We all feel it from time to time. Like all emotions, it comes and it goes, and doesn’t last forever when we allow ourselves to feel it (versus repressing it). When any emotion comes up, we can notice it and find ways to cope with that emotion. Part of the experience of an emotion is sitting through it - there’s really no way around experiencing the emotion if you want to move forward from it. Think of other emotions you feel. When you’re sad, you might cry, or cuddle a pet, or take a nap. Those are all safe ways to cope with sadness. There are options for you to express anger in safe ways too. 

Here are some suggestions for safe ways to express anger:

Use your voice

This doesn’t mean to get in a yelling match with someone. This just means to use your voice to express the intensity of what you’re feeling. Maybe this means you go for a drive in the car and scream-sing along to a playlist. Maybe it means you scream into your pillow for a bit. It could also mean talking it over with someone if that feels supportive to you. 

Get moving

Anger is an intense emotion, and can often feel like it’s bursting out of you or like it’s causing energy to build up inside of you. A great way to deal with the excess energy that often comes up with anger is to move your body and tire yourself out. Try dancing around to music that makes you feel powerful. Or maybe go for a run or a brisk walk. Any kind of intense movement that gets you moving and your blood pumping can be helpful here to work through the feeling of anger. 

Be destructive (strategically)

The urge to be violent when angry is often a way to get rid of the painful excessive energy that anger can bring. This urge can be met in ways that aren’t unsafe or scary, thankfully! Here are some ideas for how to be destructive in a safe, strategic way to help relieve some anger: 

• Safely throw or squeeze or hit or break something

• Visit a smash room and break some things

• Hit or kick a punching bag

• Squeeze play dough or a stress toy

• Knead dough or pound meat 

• Throw something soft (or maybe throw a toy for a pet to chase)

• Break down cardboard boxes

• Pound on a drum set

Practice progressive muscle relaxation

Anger can cause a lot of tension to spring up in the body. When you’re responding to anger, it can be helpful to notice where the anger is living in your body. This not only helps you identify what anger feels like so you can spot it when it comes up in the future; it also lets you know where to focus your attention for relaxation. To help you find where the anger is living in your body, you can do a body scan and practice mindfulness that engages the body, like progressive muscle relaxation. There are lots of guided body scan meditations available for free on platforms like Spotify, YouTube, and Insight Timer that you can try to get in the habit of scanning your body for signs of anger. Once you’ve spotted the anger in your body, you can focus on relaxing that area. Progressive muscle relaxation can help you slowly shift your body from a state of tension to a state of calm and safety. 

Find your safe place

Anger can feel scary and out of control. When intense emotions like anger come up, it can be helpful to remind yourself that you are safe and in control of yourself. Where is a place you can go mentally to remind yourself that you’re safe? Some people choose a beach or mountains as their safe place, and others prefer a room in their house or a space from their childhood home. 

When you feel an intense emotion, imagine you’re in your safe place. If it helps, carry a reminder of this with you or save a picture on your phone to help you mentally return to your safe place. This can be helpful with lots of distressing emotions, not just anger!

Are you looking for more support in coping with anger? It’s hard to know how to express anger safely when you’ve spent your whole life ignoring it. Our therapists can help you find ways that work for you to safely process and express your anger. Get in touch with our office today to get started!

Exploring & Expressing Anger Safely

There’s no such thing as a bad emotion. 

Yes, read it again! None of our emotions on their own are good or bad. Now, that doesn’t mean that they can’t make us feel bad (or uncomfortable) in some way, but all an emotion is really doing is giving us information. And all of that information is important–even the information we don’t like to learn. 

Our feelings basically act as response cues to the environment around us. They let us know if we’re safe, if we’re valued, if our wants and needs are being met, etc. If that sounds confusing (how can a feeling let you know if your needs are being met?) let’s look at an example. Say you’ve spent an evening laughing with your friends, feeling happy. That good feeling, while it might seem basic, is telling you information! It’s letting you know:

• You are comfortable around the people you’re with

• Your true self is safe to come out in this environment

• You’re able to participate fully in the moment, indicating you feel seen and valued

• You’re fulfilled/rejuvenated by the social connections you’ve made

That all might seem obvious at the moment, but it’s actually a lot of information for one feeling to give you! Uncomfortable emotions, though we don’t enjoy experiencing them as much, give us the same amount of information. While they can feel “bad” they’re still important to pay attention to, so we can attend to our needs. 

Let’s look at anger. 

Anger is often a secondary emotion–which means if comes as a result of another, often more vulnerable feeling. While anger is what is being expressed in that case, the feeling at the root could be hurt, shame, betrayal, etc. 

However, anger still tells us a lot of information, and isn’t an emotion to be afraid to feel or express. One function it can serve is informing you when you’re being mistreated. If someone says something cruel to you and you get upset, there may be another emotion at the root, but your anger can also be a signal that you know how you deserve to be treated, but that you are presently being mistreated. That’s not a bad thing–your anger is actually looking out for you in that scenario. It’s letting you know, hey, I know this isn’t okay and I deserve better!  

Anger becomes a problem when we are so afraid of it, we don’t give ourselves space to explore or express it. If we’re under the impression that anger is bad or scary, we’re not likely to engage with it when we feel it; instead we’re more likely to feel shame and try to shove it away. Or, if our anger has been shoved aside too long, it may bubble up and explode in a more volatile way than if we had given it the attention it needed when it first appeared. 

When we don’t treat it as something dangerous, anger can be useful to us. 

Give yourself a moment to think about why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. As yourself: 

• What happened just before I started feeling this way?

• What was it that made me feel this way?

• Am I feeling angry or is there another emotion at the root of this feeling? (Insecurity, sadness, shame, etc.) 

• Does this remind me of some way I’ve been mistreated in the past?

When you’ve given yourself a chance to explore what it is you’re feeling, communicating to others what you need or what upset you will be easier. 

But sometimes we need to let ourselves feel the anger before we’re ready to pick it apart.

That doesn’t mean lashing out or having an outburst, but there are other ways to let yourself feel and express that anger without endangering yourself or others. Giving yourself time to feel your feelings before picking them apart helps you not to overanalyze yourself. 

Sometimes we’re angry because we haven’t had enough to eat or sleep and we keeping getting held up by small inconveniences, until suddenly we’re angry! In those cases, too much introspection probably won’t be helpful. You need a snack, a nap, and a moment to release the built up frustration so that you can go about your day. Some ways you can release that anger or frustration can include: 

Music: 

Whether you play an instrument yourself, or if you just like to blast it in your room and sing along, screaming along or playing loudly can help release the tension that has built up. 

Art: 

Creating art can be both a physical release by working with your hands and other materials (like painting), a way to be destructive while also creative (like collaging) and even a physical stress relief (using clay with your hands, etc.). It also allows you to express whatever it is you’re feeling without having to put words to it–there are many other ways we can communicate, and visually is one way! Using art to express anger is a great way to explore it, release it and communicate it. 

Moving your body: 

Any way you like! It could be dancing, going for a run or hike, or anything that can take that anger and use it as physical exertion so it feels like you’re expelling it out of your body. Exercising also helps to release those feel good chemicals in our brain as well, so you can literally help improve your mood by moving your body. 

Journaling: 

You don’t have to express everything perfectly in your journal, or even know what you want to write about–it’s a space all for you. You can let yourself vent when you’re mad to get it out, and later, when you’re feeling calm and settled, you can look at what was upsetting you to see if there’s anything within your control that you can do about it. 

Remember:  Anger is just a feeling, feeling it isn’t good or bad. 

Give yourself time and space to release those feelings and explore what they’re telling you before trying to communicate that with others. And while anger can be useful, communicating in anger is not, so using one of these ways to find expression or release first,  before communicating to others about what you need can help you stay grounded and focused on your own needs, 

Working with a therapist can help you understand what your anger is telling you and find healthy ways to express it. Contact our office today to get started.

3 Tips for Cultivating A More Positive Relationship With Yourself

When you think of cultivating positive relationships in your life, do you think about the relationship you have with yourself? 

The word relationship calls to mind our connections with others–with romantic partners, with friends, family members, coworkers, neighbors, etc. But you have a relationship with yourself as well–and it’s the longest relationship you’re ever going to have! That alone makes it worth it to spend intentional time reflecting on your relationship habits and where you want your relationship with yourself to go.

We’re pretty familiar with the idea of self care at this point, but an under-discussed component of self care is the ongoing attention your relationship to yourself requires. But our relationship to ourselves touches just about every part of our lives, like: 

• The way we talk to ourselves daily  

• The way we’re able to connect with others 

• The opportunities or healthy risks we take or miss out on 

• The way we take care of ourselves on a regular basis  

• The way we’re able to handle setbacks  

And while being intentional with our self care habits is a good start when it comes to tending to our self-relationship, there’s more to it than that! 

We develop our relationship with ourselves much the same way we develop all early relationships: through watching, observing and learning from the examples given to us by our caregivers. Our self-relationship is influenced both by how we see our caregivers and close peers speak to and about themselves, as well as the way we are treated within the relationships with our caregivers. 

When we’re young, we develop what is called an attachment style. There are four main types: anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, and secure attachment. Anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachments are all what are considered insecure attachment styles. A secure attachment is when someone feels secure in their ability to express what they are feeling openly, to foster emotional intimacy, etc. Those who developed secure attachments are more likely to also then be able to cultivate a positive relationship with themselves as well as others, because the building blocks are already there. 

What does that mean if you grew up in an environment where there was no emotional safety or closeness? Where you didn’t learn that it was okay to openly express yourself or your needs or address conflict? Does that mean you’re doomed to a negative relationship with yourself forever?

Not at all! 

We always have the ability to improve our relationships, especially when it comes to the one we have with ourselves. It just takes some time, intention, and care. 

Here are some tips on how to begin to adjust or cultivate a more positive relationship with yourself: 

Tip 1: Remember you don’t need to earn basic needs

You need to nourish yourself, hydrate yourself, move your body a little, and get enough rest no matter how you feel about yourself. These things aren’t related to whether you’re productive enough, or nice enough, or liked by enough people, etc. Your body can’t function without food, water, and rest! It’s best to incorporate some sort of gentle movement as well (tips for developing a caring relationship to your body even if you don’t feel love for it here), for both your mental and physical health–but this can be something as simple as putting your favorite song on and dancing around your bedroom for four minutes or taking a leisurely stroll around your neighborhood. 

Getting in the habit of meeting these basic needs, even if you don’t feel you “deserve” them, will help to improve both your physical and mental health. When we’re properly nourished we’re less easily ruled by intense emotions, we’re able to tolerate a bit more distress (small things don’t set us off) and our ability to be compassionate for others and ourselves increases when our bodies are properly taken care of. 

Tip 2: Redirect negative self talk

Negative self talk is a difficult habit to break. Ideally, it would be wonderful if you only ever thought lovely things about yourself–but that’s also a lot of pressure to put on yourself. We all get in bad moods sometimes, and sometimes our minds put thoughts out before we’re able to realize it’s not actually what we truly believe! So, while working on the practice of reducing negative self talk, it can be helpful to learn to stop and redirect negative thoughts as they happen. 

For example: Let’s say you make a mistake on something at work, and your first thought is “I am so stupid, I’m going to get fired any day, everyone here hates me.” While your brain might jump there first, if you take a moment to investigate the thought, you will find there isn’t actually any evidence to back it up. People make mistakes all of the time, so anyone can experience that at work. One mistake doesn’t put you on the chopping block, and there’s no evidence that anyone hates you! So what can you do? Take that real “evidence” and redirect that thought to something more positive, or even neutral. It goes from “I am so stupid” to “I know what I need to fix, so I can take care of this and move on.” 

Tip 3: Don’t forget your inner child

A great way to cultivate a positive relationship with yourself is to start with your inner child! If you are carrying wounds from your childhood, they can be influencing the way you view yourself, connect to others, etc. Taking time to connect with the needs, wants, and joys of your inner child is a wonderful way to be intentional about both getting to know yourself, and tending to your inner self-relationship. 

If you’re looking for more support as you develop a more positive relationship with yourself, a therapist can help suggest skills that fit your needs. Contact us today!

Learning How to Connect Emotions and Body Sensations

Learning How to Connect Emotions and Body Sensations

Do you know how emotions feel in your body? 

Emotions aren’t only felt in the mind. Our bodies react to our environments just like our brains do, and it can be helpful to connect emotions with body sensations so we can better understand what’s going on within us. 

It’s very common to feel a separation between emotions and body sensations. 

We often don’t receive much education when we’re young about emotional regulation and mental health, so lots of people don’t learn how to tune into the connection between emotions and sensations until adulthood.

Not only that, but in our culture we’re often encouraged to avoid our feelings. Think about how it’s considered a sign of “strength” to appear emotionless, especially in areas of power like politics or medicine. People cheerfully respond “Look on the bright side!” when confronted with the painful emotions of others. We’re taught that uncomfortable emotions like fear, shame, anger, and sadness aren’t as acceptable to express as positive emotions like joy, satisfaction, pride, and hope. 

It can be hard to describe what you’re feeling in your body, particularly if you have a history of using dissociation to cope. 

When you learn how to notice how your body reacts to certain emotions, you’ll be better able to spot difficult emotions when they come up before they cause distress. 

Learning how to connect your emotional experience to what’s going on in your body gives you another resource to turn to when you’re not sure what you’re feeling. If you can’t name it based on what’s going on in your head, turning to the body sensations you’re feeling can help you identify your emotions. 

So, how can you learn how to connect emotions and body sensations for yourself? Here’s a guide on how to approach it: 

Pause

Our bodies use emotions as messengers. They give us information about what’s going on in our environment, and it takes practice to tune into that communication. Give yourself permission to interrupt that communication so you can have more of a say in how you react. Taking a pause before you get carried away with an emotion gives you and your rational self a chance to intervene before things get worse. 

When you notice an uncomfortable feeling, whether it’s in your mind or a sensation in your body, take notice and give yourself space to take a few breaths. Remind yourself of the present moment, and ask yourself what’s actually going on. Taking this time to pause gives you more agency, or control, over the situation. 

Notice and Explore

Once you’ve interrupted your emotional spiral with a pause, it’s time to loop in what’s going on in your body. Do a body scan and try to notice any tension or discomfort that comes up. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Start from the top of your head and work down to your toes (or vice versa) while exploring any sensations you feel. What areas of your body are activated? 

For example, let’s say you’re feeling angry. When some people feel angry, they experience a tightness or pressure in their chest or throat. Some people feel a churning in their stomach or tension in their muscles when they’re angry. Everyone is different, so you’ll have to take the time to get to know your own personal tendencies about how you experience emotions in your body. 

Name

Have you ever heard the phrase “Name it to tame it”? This means that it’s easier to control how we react when we understand what it is that we’re feeling. When naming your emotions, it might be helpful for you to reframe your thoughts from “I am” to “I feel”. 

Why is this change important? Remember, you are not your emotions, you feel your emotions. 

There’s a difference between “I am sad” and “I feel sad,” even if it seems miniscule. The first phrase implies that we are the emotion that we’re feeling, that it is even part of our identity. The other phrase describes what’s actually happening - an emotion, sadness, has come up and you are immersed in it. 

If you’re wondering where to start when naming emotions that you might not be familiar with, using a tool like a feelings wheel (or even an emotions-sensations wheel like this one). This can help give you language to describe what you’re experiencing. Sometimes it will be easier to identify emotions based on the body sensations you feel, and sometimes it will be easier to name an emotion and then connect it to body sensations.The more you practice identifying your emotions and how they show up in your body, the easier it will be in the future. 

Give yourself resources 

Learning how to recognize and name your emotions and body sensations can help you get to the source of your feelings. Once you’ve uncovered that source, it can feel uncomfortable to sit in that emotion fully. How can you give yourself resources to help you cope in the moment? Is there anything you can do  to make things easier for yourself right now? It may also to be helpful to use your newfound emotional identification skills to use and search for any positive sensations that are happening along with what’s going on. Some resources that might help you when you’re in an uncomfortable moment are:

• Grounding practice or mediation

• Mindfulness meditation

• Reminding yourself of where and when you are (you’re safe, you’re in the present moment, not in the past). 

When you have the resources in place to help you cope, it’s easier to sit with an emotion, even if it’s intense. This is because you know that you have the skills and the resources to turn to when you need relief from those intense feelings. 

Express

Now that you understand more about what you’re feeling and where you’re feeling it in your body, you can take action to express that emotion. The way you express your emotion will likely vary from emotion to emotion and even day to day. The key is to tune into both your body and mind and try to meet the needs that they’re expressing to you. 

Are you wondering why it’s necessary to express emotions instead of just ignoring them? When you ignore your emotions or push them down, you can actually do more damage than you think. Suppressing emotions can be linked to poor communication in relationships, resentment, explosions of anger, and even physical symptoms like sleep issues or heart problems. 

People like to express their emotions in all sorts of ways. Here are some ideas to try: 

• Cry

• Scream

• Rapid movement, like running or jumping jacks

• Dance

• Sleep

• Write it out in a journal

• Talk it over with a loved one

• Play a game 

• Make a piece of art that shows your emotional experience

Learning how to connect emotions and body sensations is something that takes practice and lots of compassion. Working with a therapist can give you even more resources to take with you into the world so you can feel confident knowing that you can handle whatever comes your way. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians in.