I Hurt My Friend's Feelings, What Do I Do Now?

Hurt feelings are never an easy thing to navigate in a relationship, especially in an intimate relationship of any kind–whether that’s a romantic relationship, a sibling, a close friend, etc. And while we’ve touched on how to let someone know they’ve hurt your feelings, we haven’t yet explored what you should do if you’re the one who hurt your loved ones feelings. 

As you navigate your response, try to keep a few things in mind: 

All relationships have conflict. 

We can only avoid conflict by avoiding our true feelings in a relationship, so it’s not necessarily a sign that the relationship is a bad one. And hurting someone’s feelings doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. We’re all wounded and trying our best, and sometimes we misstep. 

It was brave for your loved one to tell you that their feelings were hurt. 

While it’s completely understandable for your own feelings to smart when you hear they’ve felt hurt by you, try to remember they’re being vulnerable with you because they trust the relationship can survive the conflict. Which brings us to the third reminder…

Taking time to talk to you about their hurt feelings is a sign that your relationship means a lot to your friend or loved one, not the other way around. 

If they didn’t care about your relationship, working toward repair for a stronger relationship wouldn’t matter. While it can feel like they’re upset at you when you’re getting through this, hold that security close when you feel vulnerable, and remind yourself that working through this is the goal for both of you. 

With those reminders in mind, here are three things you can do when you’ve hurt a loved ones feelings: 

Work to understand before saying your piece: 

Give your loved one space to explain why their feelings are hurt. What was it that you said or did that hurt them? What was happening in that moment for them? Rather than jumping right into what it was you intended, let them share with you how they experienced the situation. When you understand what was happening for them, you can more clearly understand the impact of your own behavior. Remember, they’re being very vulnerable with you. Give them space to say what they need and really try to hear them before saying your piece. 

When it is your turn, explain don’t defend: 

Everyone accidentally hurts their friend’s or loved ones from time to time. We’re all working through our own wounds and communication blocks, so misunderstandings are common–especially in close relationships where your most vulnerable insecurities are more prone to be triggered. 

Instead of getting defensive over the intention of your words, trust that your friend knows you didn’t intend to hurt them–they probably wouldn’t be vulnerable enough to share their feelings with someone they thought wanted to hurt them. It’s fine to explain how you were experiencing the situation simply, without blaming them for misunderstanding, but understand that your intentions for an interaction might not match the impact of your behavior within that interaction. It’s important to apologize for how your words or behavior were actually received if it didn’t line up with how you intended them.  

Figure out what to do if something like this comes up again: 

What makes you feel safe being vulnerable with one another? What was it exactly that brought this conflict up? How can you be mindful of what you’ve learned about one another as you go forward in your relationship? Present conflicts often dig at old wounds, so if you can work together to understand where the root of the pain is coming from, you can work together to avoid this sort of conflict or hurt feelings in the future. 

Do you struggle to communicate when someone lets you know that you’ve hurt their feelings? We can help support you. Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians! 

4 Tips to Become a Better Listener

Everyone wants to feel listened to and understood by the people around them, but listening well can be easier said than done. Becoming a better listener is a powerful way to improve your relationships with others, whether it’s close friends and partners or even just people you know casually. 

Think about the last time you were talking to someone and you could tell they weren’t listening. Or back to a time when you were trying to communicate something but the other person wasn’t hearing you. You probably felt annoyed or upset, right? It can be hurtful to feel like you’re not being listened to. And on the other hand, you’ve probably had moments where you were only half listening to someone. 

No one is perfect all of the time! We all have moments where we’re distracted or we’re too emotional to think clearly, and those moments can get in the way of listening well. Learning how to become a better listener can improve your relationships by helping you feel more connected to others and communicate more effectively. 

Active listening is a strategy to improve your listening skills by making listening an engaged practice. Sometimes, even when we’re trying to listen, something will go in one ear and out the other, which can leave everyone in the conversation feeling frustrated. 

Listening can sometimes be seen as something passive, but that can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and poor communication. This is especially true in distracting settings or in heated conversations. When you listen actively, hearing what is said is the primary goal instead of just getting to the end of the conversation. 

If you’re looking to become a better listener, here are 4 tips to keep in mind: 

Listen to understand, not to respond

Sometimes in conversations it is tempting to think about what you’re going to say next. No one likes to feel judged or blamed, but difficult conversations can leave you feeling that way. Remember that everyone has their own perspective and feelings, even when things are hard to hear. Don’t think about what you’re going to say next, just listen to what the other person is saying without judging. 

Make sure you do your best to not interrupt the other person. It can be hard to listen without jumping in to defend yourself or share your point of view. It’s pretty natural to want to defend yourself, but it’s not helpful to interrupt someone when you’re trying to hear and understand what they’re saying. When you’re rushing to interrupt, you’re also tuning out what they’re saying to a degree as you formulate your response. Remember that you’re listening to understand, not to respond right now. 

Jumping in before the other person has finished speaking can make it harder for you to hear each other, which can sometimes lead to talking louder or raised voices. Remember that you will have your turn to speak and you can share your side when that comes. 

Validate the other person

Communicating is hard. Validation goes a long way when it comes to listening, because it shows the other person that you appreciate the effort they’re making to communicate with you. Telling them “I’m so glad that you shared that with me,” or “I really appreciate you being vulnerable right now,” helps to build trust. Even when a conversation is difficult, finding ways to validate each other can make it more likely that you’ll have more opportunities to keep communicating.

Stay engaged

It’s important to stay engaged in the conversation for the whole time. It can be helpful to make sure you’re understanding the other person correctly by summarizing what they have said. Some people find they can understand things best by relating it back to themselves or something that they’ve experienced, but sometimes that can come across as invalidating or insincere, even if that’s not how you mean it.

Another way to show that you’re engaged in the conversation is to have open body language. Nodding your head with what they’re saying or saying things like “That makes sense,” or “Mhmm” can also keep you focused on the conversation. 

Minimize distractions

When you’re listening to someone, do what you can to get rid of distractions that could draw your attention away from the conversation. It’s important to give the other person your full attention, so make sure to put your phone away, turn down the music, turn off the tv, or close your computer. 

Multitasking while talking to someone isn’t the best way to really hear and understand what they’re saying. Sometimes making eye contact can help you focus your attention and show the other person that you’re engaged and listening, but some people find eye contact uncomfortable, distracting, or distressing. Some folks find that stimming helps them focus more effectively, so if that works for you, go for it. 

Listening effectively is a skill, and it takes practice. Do you want to become a better listener and improve your communication skills? Working with a therapist can help you learn and practice new skills to help improve your relationships. Get in touch today to get started!

Healing through Relationships: Why the Therapeutic Relationship Matters

There’s a lot of mental health advice on the internet right now. 

Take this blog for example! Our blog is full of resources, thought exercises and tips meant to help support you in your journey to better mental health. But are the blogs themselves therapy? Are the social media posts describing different mindfulness exercises to try for your anxiety the same thing as therapy?

Short answer: nope!

Long answer: therapy is so much more than the tools you learn. Therapy is comprehensive mental health care, where the relationship between therapist and client is a crucial component to the treatment and healing process.

While there are lots of differences between the tools a therapist or therapy practice may provide online and the actual mental health services they offer, the part we’re going to focus on today is a part that is often overlooked: how the therapeutic relationship itself is crucial to healing. 

That’s part of why you can’t get the same experience reading a therapists blog as you would seeing that therapist in person–while they can provide you helpful tools to practice on your own, you’re missing the practice of showing up in relation to someone and writing new social scripts based on how they’re able to hold space for you. 

Okay….what does that all mean?

Let’s go back to our example from a few weeks ago about talking to your therapist about when they’ve hurt your feelings. 

The social script you’re working from might make telling someone they’ve hurt your feelings a scary, anxiety provoking conversation. Maybe you were yelled at as a child when you got upset or expressed your feelings. Maybe you’ve never been in a relationship where someone apologized after hurting your feelings. Or maybe you’ve never been in a relationship where you were safe to express that your feelings were hurt at all. 

In therapy, you get to practice showing up and telling someone they hurt your feelings.

While it’s not quite practice practice–you’re still communicating your real feelings and it was based out of a real situation, not just a theoretical scenario–you’re still given the assurance that you’re in a safe space where you won’t be punished for expressing how you’re feeling. That makes it an easier stepping stone to use to practice expressing those feelings because you have that safety net of knowing therapy is the space where you’re supposed to come in and discuss your feelings. 

This sort of relational healing is a crucial component to good therapy–and it doesn’t just come up in the moments where you need to manage conflict with your therapist!

You’re also engaging in relational healing in therapy when: 

• You express something you feel shame about and instead of responding with anger, repulsion, or what you fear they will respond with, your therapist responds with curiosity and compassion

• You come to therapy frustrated with how something is going, and you find support in collaborating with your therapist to figure out what to do next, rather than managing it all on your own 

These are two other simple and common examples of how the relationship between therapist and client is an essential part of the therapeutic process! That’s also why it’s so important to be sure you have a safe and trustworthy relationship with your therapist.

If you’re looking for support in the process of finding a therapist, contact us and we can help personally match you to a therapist based on your needs. 

3 Tips for Telling Your Therapist They Upset You

Telling someone that they’ve done something to hurt your feelings is never easy. 

It’s vulnerable–you’re exposing yourself as someone who isn’t infallible. It’s opening yourself up to the risk that the person you’re trying to communicate with will misunderstand you. And while sometimes this sort of communication is exactly what we’re working on in therapy, it can still happen that your therapist says something to upset you in session. 

Maybe they poke at an old wound, maybe they misunderstand something difficult you’re struggling to communicate, maybe they’re reactivating old dynamics that hurt you in the past. No matter how it comes about, it’s possible–and in fact normal–that at some point, your therapist will say something that upsets you, rubs you the wrong way, or just generally hurts your feelings.

But, isn’t therapy supposed to be a safe space?

Yes! But your idea of a safe space might be different than what that safe space actually needs to be. Feeling safe and being safe–while both important!–are two different things. Things that make us feel safe might not actually be things that keep us safe in every context. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, avoiding conflict may have literally kept you safe. Now however, in a different context, that avoidance can create more problems and be a hindrance to your emotional safety. 

A safe space isn’t a space where you will never face discomfort or conflict, it is a place that provides safety to you while you navigate those things. 

In that way, going through the experience of telling your therapist that they’ve hurt your feelings can be an extremely valuable tool in the healing process. Part of how therapy works is through relational healing–your therapist is someone who is there to hear you without judgment, who won’t be mad at you for expressing something unpleasant, and who will demonstrate healthy ways to navigate those moments with you, so you have a model for how it looks outside of therapy. 

Basically, therapy helps us to heal wounds we’ve gotten in other relationships by giving us a relationship where conflict is managed safely. 

So when you tell your therapist that something they’ve done has hurt your feelings, you’re giving yourself an opportunity to write a new script about what happens when you do that. When before it may have gotten you yelled at or berated, your therapist is there to listen to what you’re saying to them, to hear what you’re trying to communicate. When you do this more and more, you’re learning that conflict doesn’t just mean danger–it can also mean an opportunity for deeper understanding, stronger communication, and an emotionally safe relationship. 

That doesn’t mean it’s easy to do! We know it’s hard. If you’re trying to figure out how to let your therapist know they’ve said something that upset you, here are three tips: 

Acknowledge the difficulty of the situation: 

Starting the conversation is hard. But in therapy, you’re in a very unique position where the person you’re talking to you knows a lot about your emotional world, the history you have, and the general bravery it takes to be vulnerable in this way. It’s okay to start with “I’m struggling a lot with how to say this,” or “I’m nervous about bringing this up.” That’s actually helpful information for your therapist to have–they can help address the root of those fears as well as the specific issue you’re hoping to talk about. 

Tell them what you’re worried about: 

Are you worried they’ll be mad at you? That you’ll get kicked out of their office? That they’ll yell at you? Tell you your feelings don’t matter? There are so many reasons we avoid conflict, and they’re often informed by how we’ve experienced conflict in the past. It’s okay to call those fears out, right away. No matter how outlandish that fear may seem in comparison to the conflict, your therapist is there to hold space for those feelings, not judge them. And sometimes, just voicing what you’re afraid of lessens the feeling of fear!

Focus on the feelings it brought up in you: 

When someone says something that hurts our feelings, it’s often about something we’re a little sensitive about anyway. When your therapist says something that hurts your feelings, before you bring it up in session, reflect on what feelings that hurt brought up in you. Did it bring you back to a moment where you’d been hurt before? It’s okay if they seem totally unrelated–brains are funny little things and sometimes they latch onto moments that don’t make any sense to us. If you can let your therapist know not just what hurt your feelings, but how you experienced those hurt feelings, they can help address both the moment in your own relationship, and the history it brought up. 

Do you struggle to communicate when someone has hurt your feelings? We can help support you. Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians! 

Managing Conflict in Friendships

We’ve said before that conflict exists in every type of relationship. 

In all long term relationships, conflict is normal and expected and nothing to feel shame or fear about. However, that doesn’t make it easy to manage! It can feel scary when conflict comes up–no matter what type of relationship you have. 

However, when we think of navigating conflict in relationships, it’s often through the lens of romantic relationships. The stakes can feel extremely high with romantic partners, especially if it’s a long term partner who you intend to build a future with. Within friendships, conflicts may not feel so extreme because you may not consider your friend to be your “life partner” but that doesn’t mean the emotions they bring up are any less important than the feelings brought up in romantic conflicts. 

It can feel like more of a shock when big conflict comes up within platonic relationships too. 

Not small things like disagreeing over where to meet for coffee or something like that, but big true conflict where you don’t feel as if you’re being seen or heard by the other person. This is something we expect to a certain degree within romantic relationships–because we expect to have a certain degree of intimacy with our romantic partners, there are more opportunities for vulnerability, and therefore more opportunities for raw feelings to come up and make conflict. 

We often see our friendships as an escape from that sort of seriousness. We go to our friends to get support when we’re in conflict with our partners or with other frustrations in our life, so it’s often a space in our life we see as being free of conflict. But this also means that some of our friends have seen the most honest and most vulnerable versions of ourselves. Just as this can lead to increased intimacy, it can also mean we’re risking moments of our true selves and our vulnerability not being witnessed the way we hope it will be, which opens the door for conflict. 

So just like any close relationship, there’s an inevitability of conflict in intimate friendships, so it’s crucial to find a way to navigate it. 

We’ve talked a bit before about ending friendships (why you might, what it means to break up with a friend, and how to deal with a friend breakup when it happens) but what about before the breakup? Just like in romantic relationships, ending the relationship isn’t where we want to jump to. If we’re willing to do a bit of uncomfortable work, we can find ways to repair the relationship, and likely make it stronger as well. 

So how can you handle conflict in friendships?

Take time to figure out what it is that needs attention and repair: 

Sometimes we know there’s something off or frustrating within a friendship, but we aren’t sure exactly what the root of it is or how to articulate it. Before coming to your friend with a series of grievances you’ve let stack up, take some time to reflect on why these things are bothering you. 

What is the common thread? Are you not feeling listened to? Are your needs being ignored? Do you never feel prioritized the way you prioritize your friend? Are you nervous about being judged by them? 

Taking some time to reflect on all those little moments that bothered you can give you more insight into what actually is off balance in your relationship, which will help you communicate it more effectively, rather than just listing moments your friend has upset you and waiting for them to apologize (though, if you need an apology or a recognition of hurt, that’s okay! You can ask for that too.) If you need some help reflecting on what it is you’re feeling about certain relationships, try these journal prompts to help you examine how you’re feeling in different relationships! 

Let them know you need to talk: 

…but try to be more considerate than a quick “We need to talk” text, which sounds vague and ominous and will probably just make your friend anxious and come into the conversation on the defensive. Instead, be transparent. You’ve had time to think about what is upsetting you, let them know you’re upset so that they’re not blindsided. A short, but clear “I’ve been feeling upset about X and I was hoping we could make time to talk through it?” helps to let them know what you’re feeling, what it’s about, and that you want to work it out with them. Of course, no one likes to hear that they’ve upset or hurt their friend, so they may still feel uncomfortable or anxious about it, but those are their feelings to manage so long as you’ve done your part to be clear and considerate. 

(And consider when you let them know you need to talk. Are you texting them right as they head into work, where they won’t be able to answer you? Will they then be stressed and upset about it all day? If you have a general idea of their schedule, try to let them know at a time they’d be home or available to talk. 

Depending on the geography of your friendship, talking in person may not be possible, but when it comes to conflict, it’s best handled directly person to person. Meaning and tone can easily get lost or mistranslated in text, which can add even more tension to an existing conflict. If talking in person isn’t possible, talk to them on the phone at a time that works for both of you. 

Assume the goal is the same for both people

When you need to address conflict it can feel scary! Sometimes you may feel the compulsion to defend yourself rather than explain what you’re feeling. That may be wounds or expectations from a past relationship showing up in your relationships now. Try to go into conversations about conflict with friends assuming you both want the same thing: to find ways to repair the friendship where both people feel seen and understood. Remember this person is your friend for a reason, they’ve been in your life caring about you for a reason–they will want to know if they’re hurting you, even if it’s uncomfortable. 

And remember to make space for their experience too. Let them respond without getting defensive or trying to prove them wrong. Just like in romantic relationships, the goal isn’t to win, but to make space for one another and solve the problem together. Even if it’s uncomfortable to hear what they have to say, it can bring you closer by allowing for more honesty and vulnerability within your friendship. And remember to make use of healthy conflict tools like repair attempts and to remember that not every problem can be solved in a single conversation. 

Are you experiencing conflicts in your friendships? Working with a therapist can help you find healthy ways to navigate and manage conflict within your relationships. Get in touch with our office today to get started with couples therapy! 

10 Blogs to Read for More Intimate Friendships

Friendships are some of the most important relationships we have in life. 

Some we’ve known since childhood, and they’ve been with us through family stress, romantic ups and downs, personal identity struggles, career changes, and more. 

Some friendships we find in adulthood, once we’ve learned more about ourselves and we’re able to show up more authentically. Even if these friends haven’t been around as long, they can be just as special and significant as childhood friends. 

No matter how we came to find these relationships, they occupy a special spot in our lives. 

When things go wrong in life, we call our friends to commiserate. When good things happen, we want to celebrate with them! Often our relationships with friends are some of the strongest, most authentic relationships we have because they are based simply on enjoying time spent together. There is no sense of obligation as there can be with family, or pressure to please like we can often feel with romantic partners. These relationships become a space in which we can be fully ourselves and find support we can’t get in other places. 

Because of this, friendships can feel like an easy, magical piece of our lives. But like any other relationship, in order to have true intimacy, the relationship will sometimes require hard (or uncomfortable) work! We live in a culture that values romantic relationships as the most significant relationships in a person’s life, so there are a lot of spaces and resources to find support for difficult times in your romantic relationship. But there aren’t as many for platonic relationships–even though they too can be some of the longest lasting and most significant relationships in our lives. 

We believe that all relationships are important–you need a garden of support in your life, and many different relationships to fulfill the many different parts of you. 

But supportive friendships take work. Like when you have to:

Let your friends know when they’ve hurt your feelings:

“Telling someone you’re upset by something they’ve done takes a lot of courage, so be proud of yourself for it. It can feel like a risk–like they could be mad or upset or maybe even react unpredictably. It’s important to remember that while their feelings matter, you can’t control them and it’s not your job to prevent them from experiencing unpleasant emotions. It’s only your job to be honest about how you’re feeling and stick around to work through it if that brings up unpleasant emotions.”

Read the full blog here.

Stop yourself from comparing yourself to your friends:

“Too much comparison can also be damaging to your relationships. When you’re constantly putting yourself up against someone else–out of either admiration or jealousy–you’re not seeing the other person as a full person. You’re only seeing the one thing that is provoking an emotional reaction out of you (a picture of their vacation, a post about their promotion, etc.) It can lead to jealousy, even resentment in your relationship.”

Read the full blog here.

Set a difficult boundary: 

“Because discussing boundaries can make us feel so vulnerable, some of us have a tendency to react drastically when they are violated. There can be an urge to cut people off automatically–an attitude of “if they can’t respect my boundary they can’t be in my life.” Which is appropriate when a boundary has been repeatedly ignored or violated! However, if it’s the first time it’s happening, it likely was not done out of malice. Address the issue directly, and move on if there is no improvement.”

Read the full blog here. 

Make space for an experience you can’t relate to:

“Do you have a loved one who deals with chronic pain? If you don’t experience chronic pain, it can be hard to understand just how much it can impact someone’s life. While for most people, pain is unusual, a sign that something needs to be tended to immediately, for folks who manage chronic pain, it is a constant state.” 

Read the full blog here. 

“We’ve talked about this before, and went over four helpful ways to support someone struggling with infertility, but what about things that aren’t helpful? Learning what questions or topics to avoid to be respectful of the pain your loved one is experiencing is just as important as learning methods of support.”

Read the full blog here. 

Practice accountability: 

“When you’re close with someone, there’s a level of vulnerability. The people we are close to have the power to bring a lot of love and positivity into our lives, but they also have the power to hurt us more deeply than acquaintances or strangers. If you’re not sure you can trust the other person to be honest with you, admit when they’re wrong, and take steps to repair the relationship when necessary, it’s harder to feel close to them.”

Read the full blog here.

Make some hard decisions when a friendship has run its course: 

“Ending a relationship of any kind is never easy. As humans, we are wired for connection, so it can be confusing and painful to end a connection that was special to you. Sometimes, ending a friendship will come after having conversations with each other about boundaries or expectations. You might feel better if you approach them with a conversation first instead of just ending things right there. There might also be situations where you feel better ending the friendship without talking about it first. Whatever way works for you and your situation, know that it is okay to feel a bunch of conflicting feelings about ending a friendship. You might feel relieved to not have to deal with them anymore. You might feel sad remembering the good times you had together. You might be angry at the way they treated you. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay.”

Read the full blog here. 

“Platonic relationships aren’t given much significance in our culture (part of the American individualistic culture that prioritizes upward mobility and building your own life) which is why we don’t talk about platonic breakups, not because they don’t happen–or because they don’t need to happen. And with how common ghosting is within romantic relationships, it’s no wonder that silently exiting friendships seems to be the only way we know how to end all sorts of other relationships, friendships included.”

Read the full blog here.

“Adjusting to the fact that you can’t rely on that person the way you once did takes work and time. It might be hard to open yourself up to a close friend for a while, and that’s okay. It’s a big adjustment, and it’s okay to follow whatever timeline you need. If you’re struggling with a friendship breakup, know that you’re not alone. So many people have been through this kind of pain, and whatever reaction you’re having is valid.”

Read the full blog here. 

Remember, while important conversations and learning to sit with discomfort is crucial for all intimate relationships, we should also make space for joy and celebration of those relationships too! Or else, what is all of that work for?

Adult relationships can get messy sometimes, and it can be a relief knowing that you’ll be able to talk it all through with someone who gets it. Get in touch with us today to get started!

Breaking up With a Friend

There are a lot of reasons we might end a friendship. 

Sometimes, the friendship dissolves itself, with each person growing apart and coming together less and less. Sometimes we’re just friends with people because of circumstances or environment or class, and when we leave those places, the friendships fizzle out themselves. 

But sometimes, ending a friendship is more involved than that. Whether you’ve found you and your friend no longer align on your values, or they aren’t able to support you the way you support them, or boundaries were violated, it’s hard to realize it’s time to move on from the relationship. 

(Not sure if a relationship is healthy anymore? Use these journal questions to reflect on how your different relationships are making you feel.)

When you decide it’s time to end a friendship: 

Sometimes, you may not be ready to fully end the relationship, but the fact that you’re thinking about it shows there are some issues that need to be openly talked about between you and your friend. 

You can let them know you haven’t been feeling supported, or your time together has left you feeling worse than your time apart, or whatever it is that is making you think of ending the relationship, and see if they are able to work through the issues so that you’re both happy and supported. 

If you’re hoping for repair within the relationship, it’s not just going to be one conversation. There will probably be a series of them, but friendship, like any other relationship, is a commitment to continually making sure you’re supporting your friends the way they need support (and making sure you’re asking for that support in return). So if the two of you aren’t willing to do the long term work of intimate friendships, it may be best to thank each other for the time and love you’ve shared, and build your lives apart.  

If you are willing to do that work, you don’t have to do it without support. While most of our culture is focused on romantic relationships, you can get professional support with any type of significant relationship. In the book Big Friendship Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman explore their journey into relationship therapy and what it did to preserve and strengthen their relationship! 

Keep in mind: 

You have had a lot of time to think these things over. This may be the first time your friend is hearing or thinking about them; they will need time to process their own reaction.

You’re allowed to ask to not be part of that processing. Their feelings may be hurt and they may not be able to hear you “objectively” until they’ve made space for their own feelings, but you don’t need to be the one they work that out with. It’s fine to ask them to talk it through with someone else and to rejoin each other when you’re ready to have a constructive conversation. 

You can’t make someone understand you. You can let them know what you’re feeling and hope they hear you, but if they don’t it’s not your job to justify your feelings. Instead, tend to the hurt that comes with not being seen by a loved one, and figure out what will be best for you moving forward (no contact, some contact?) 

Discussing your feelings and vulnerable issues within a relationship is an act of love and takes a lot of vulnerability. Even if there isn’t a “happy” ending to the conversation, be proud of yourself for honoring the relationship enough to be authentic and vulnerable within it.  

If you’re having these feelings, your friendship has already changed. It’s not risking the relationship to let the other person in on what you’re feeling, it’s giving them a chance to be an active participant in your relationship. 

“Breaking up”: 

If you’re not able to find a way to both honor your own needs and stay in the relationship, it’s time to break up. 

We’re given a lot more social scripts and tools for ending romantic relationships, but not platonic ones. But the bones of it aren’t all that different–this is a person who has played a significant role in your life, who you have spent valuable time with, that you now have to say goodbye to. 

Platonic relationships aren’t given much significance in our culture (part of the American individualistic culture that prioritizes upward mobility and building your own life) which is why we don’t talk about platonic breakups, not because they don’t happen–or because they don’t need to happen. And with how common ghosting is within romantic relationships, it’s no wonder that silently exiting friendships seems to be the only way we know how to end all sorts of other relationships, friendships included. 

But friendships are intimate, important relationships. They help us build communities and come into our sense of self, offer places for support and joy and often function as family for those without close blood ties. 

Ending the relationship should be done in a way that honors that significance. 

In season 6 of the show New Girl, one of the main characters, Nick, decides he wants to end his relationship with his girlfriend, Reagan–with no conflict. He fumbles through attempts the entire episode until eventually, he buys them train tickets to San Diego, and gets off at a random stop, abandoning her on the train. Despite achieving his goal (the next time we see Reagan she has come to collect her things from their shared apartment) Nick somehow feels worse than when he decided he needed to break up with her. It’s in this moment that his roommate Aly clues him in as to why: 

“Maybe you feel terrible,” she says, “Because your relationship with Reagan actually meant something to you. And you ended it like it didn’t.” 

When relationships stop fitting in our lives, it doesn’t mean the time spent in them was a waste. We don’t suddenly lose the months or years of joy and love and support we found in that relationship. And ending the relationship should be done with care and intention, just like maintaining the relationship. 

If you’ve already tried to work through things, your friend may not be surprised to hear your relationship is no longer working for you. If you’ve never tried to talk to them about anything, expect them to be surprised. And expect to talk through what has brought you to this point. 

Try to come from a place of love, the love that the two of you shared for so long, and will continue to share from afar. 

When you decide to end a relationship, be gentle with yourself, it’s not an easy thing to do. Ending the relationship doesn’t mean you no longer love the person, just as can be true in romantic breakups, but compatibility is important in platonic relationships. 

To maintain long friendships you need both emotional compatibility and logistical compatibility, just like in romantic relationships (you just likely don’t consider romantic/sexual compatibility). Some friendships end because of logistical compatibility: this is when you can’t make your schedules work or prioritize time for one another, and the friendship sort of fades out. This sort of incompatibility can cause conflict: if you’re constantly making time or space for your friend and they don’t reciprocate, that can also end a relationship, while much less mutual than just “growing apart.” 

Personal/emotional incompatibility is probably what brought the two of you together in the first place. When this compatibility changes, it’s very hard and can bring up a lot of grief. Sometimes we have friendships that have lasted years, decades even, that we don’t have that personal or emotional compatibility or trust with  anymore. Those are often the hardest relationships to say goodbye to, even harder sometimes than ending a romantic relationship. It’s normal to feel grief over big changes, even when you know they are the right changes. 

Saying goodbye

Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table. - Tupac Shakur

It’s hard to say goodbye to any significant person in our lives. Give yourself space to grieve the end of the relationship and all of the ways that will change your life moving forward. 

Try to see the breakup as a way of preserving all of those wonderful memories you share with this friend. Knowing when a relationship no longer works and walking away accordingly can help keep it as a good memory when you’re able to work through your grief and look back. You don’t want to lose all the good the two of you shared, so recognizing that in your breakup can help bring it back to a place of love. 

While your relationship may not work any longer, you can acknowledge all the good your coming together did for each other, and keep those memories in your heart moving forward. 

For tips on how to deal with the end of friendship when it happens, read this blog. If you’re looking for support with the loss of a friendship, our clinicians are here for you. 

5 Ways to Deal With Being Ghosted

Have you ever been ghosted? 

If you have, you know that it’s a uniquely painful experience. Ghosting is when someone you are in a relationship with disappears from your usual methods of contact suddenly. We hear a lot about ghosting in a dating context, because it’s become more and more popular in the era of dating apps, but friendships can end with ghosting too. It tends to happen in newer relationships, but it can also happen in more established ones. The aftermath of being ghosted can be a lot to deal with. 

Ghosting is painful for a lot of reasons. It’s hard to go from having some type of relationship with someone to silence with no warning or word as to why. It can be a big hit to your self-esteem to suddenly lose a relationship. It’s upsetting to think that you cared about someone more than they cared about you. Ghosting can also trigger abandonment trauma or fears of rejection. You might worry that no one will ever stick around in the future. 

Many of us have negative beliefs about ourselves, whether we realize it or not. There’s even a name for that critical voice in your head that reinforces those mean thoughts: the inner critic. This inner critic might tell you that you’re not loveable or not good enough. Being ghosted can reinforce those beliefs, even though they’re false. 

Ghosting is also painful because it removes any sense of closure. You might always wonder what actually happened or what would have happened if things went differently. While any relationship ending is painful, in most breakup situations, it’s clear to both sides what is going on. Ghosting removes that, so one person is left completely in the dark. 

Why do people ghost?

People’s reasons for ghosting may vary. Some people use it as a method of conflict avoidance, or out of fear. They may be afraid to have a serious conversation, afraid of the other person’s reaction, or even afraid of the unknown. Some people ghost out of a sense of self-preservation when a relationship is struggling. While it’s much better to be honest and communicate, some people might feel like going no contact is their only option. 

When people feel uncomfortable feelings, they can react in a number of ways. One way that some people react to uncomfortable emotions is by ghosting. This doesn’t excuse it, but it might give you some insight as to what is going on. 

Being ghosted feels terrible, no matter how it happens. If it’s happened to you, here are 5 ways to cope: 

Give yourself compassion

It can feel embarrassing to be ghosted, or you might feel like you did something wrong. Remember that you always deserve to be treated with respect, and give yourself lots of compassion. How would you talk to a friend in your situation? You’d probably remind them of how amazing they are, how much they have to offer, and how messed up it is that someone would treat them this way. Even if you have to pretend your friend is saying it to you, send that message of love, acceptance, and compassion to yourself. 

Don’t blame yourself

Ghosting isn’t about you. Being rejected this way feels intensely personal, but it’s often more about the person doing the ghosting and how they deal with things. You deserve to be treated with respect, and ghosting is as disrespectful as it gets. Even though it might be hard to wrap your head around it at first, anyone who deals with things by ghosting isn’t worth your time and energy anyway. 

Expose shame

Shame is really tricky to deal with. It often feels impossible to talk about, so it can be isolating. Ghosting in particular can cause shame. It feels bad to be rejected, and to make sense of it your brain might tell you that you did something to cause it. Remember though, that it’s not about you. Shame becomes less powerful when it’s shared, though. We all have things that trigger shame. Sharing about your shame with someone who is close to you can help you see how mean you’re being to yourself. 

Check your negative thoughts 

When you find yourself having distressing negative thoughts about yourself, try to check them. Are these thoughts facts, or are you dealing with cognitive distortions? Is this something that is true, or is this a story you have told yourself? Cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that aren’t true, but that we grow to believe. When you notice them popping up, do what you can to challenge those thoughts.

Don’t reach out

Even though you wish things had gone differently, the person who ghosted you has made it clear that they aren’t interested in talking. It can feel tempting to try to look for them elsewhere on the internet, but try to resist that urge. Instead of dwelling on the person who ghosted, do your best to shift your thoughts away from them. This is where a mindfulness practice can come in handy. Mindfulness will help you practice noticing your thoughts and shifting your awareness. 

Being ghosted is painful. If you’re dealing with the aftermath of ghosting, talking with a therapist can help you work through the distress you’re feeling and find ways to cope that are specific to your needs. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

6 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations with Your Partner

Every relationship has ups and downs.

No lasting relationship exists without conflict, so knowing how to address it in a healthy way is crucial for a healthy, lasting relationship. It requires a deep vulnerability and a commitment to be honest, which can be very scary! The more vulnerable and honest we are, the more we feel others have the power to hurt us, even unintentionally. And it can be hard to go to your partner and tell them you’re unhappy about something in your relationship. 

But the truth is, if you didn’t care about the relationship, you wouldn't say anything at all! You would probably just go your own way, and the relationship would be over. It shows how important a relationship is when you’re willing to take that risk to be vulnerable in an attempt to be seen and understood–and hopefully it will allow you and your partner to grow closer.

However, we know that it does feel scary to broach a difficult conversation with a partner.

So to help you, we’ve put together 6 tips for having difficult conversations with your partner: 

Remember your partner is human: 

Even if they have done something that upset you, it’s likely their intention was not to cause you any harm. Remind yourself of a time when you let someone down without intending to, and consider how you wish they had engaged with you. This doesn’t mean to excuse behavior that is a problem, just to go into the conversation with the assumption your partner didn’t mean to hurt you, that they want to learn to be the best partner they can be, but that they will sometimes mess up. 

Understand your own feelings first: 

Take a moment to make sure you understand why you’re upset. Are you upset because your partner is on their phone anytime you watch TV together, or are you upset because it feels like there is very little time where the two of you feel present together? When you figure out what it is you’re actually having an emotional response to, you can communicate your needs much more clearly. And it helps to make sure you’re having a conversation about what actually matters–in this case, it’s not so much about phone usage, but feeling disconnected from one another. So the solution might be to put your phone away at certain times, but it might be something different. Focus on the root of the issue, not just the incident that felt like the tipping point. 

Understand your intention with the conversation: 

What is it you want to happen when you open up to your partner like this? Are you looking for them to just hear your feelings, or do you want them to help “solve” the problem? Sometimes, things are small one-time occurrences, and we might feel that all we need to do is point out what upset us and trust our partner to hear us. But sometimes, the issue is larger or more ongoing. In that case, if your intention is problem solving, remember that you and your partner are a team, and it’s the pair of you vs the problem, not you vs them. 

Be intentional about when you talk: 

When you need to have a serious conversation, you don’t want to feel like you’re just barely squeezing it in. You also don’t want you or your partner to be distracted or pulled away while in the middle of the conversation. So find a time that you are both free to sit and talk for a long time, so you can really focus on one another and not feel rushed or like you weren’t able to really get into it. 

Commit to understanding their side: 

Just as you want them to hear and understand you, give them space to talk so you can do the same. And don’t just listen to respond–really sit and actively listen. What are they saying? What are they hoping you’ll understand? Was this something you knew before? 

Fight fair:

Don’t bring up little annoyances you’ve let slide under the rug. Don’t dredge up an old argument to help “prove your point.” If you feel things getting too heated, suggest a break so that you can both take time to cool off and come back when you’re ready to hear one another.  

If you need some extra support in having difficult conversations with your partner, we can help. Contact us today! 

Reaffirming Your Covid Boundaries

Welcome to the New Year! 

As we enter 2022, it’s a good time to take a moment to pause and reflect on your boundaries. We’re still in a pandemic, so boundaries are something that have been shifting and changing for all of us over the last two years.

It’s natural for boundaries to shift and change over time.

And it’s not a sign that the boundary isn’t working or hasn’t served you. But as time goes on, much of our lives change! Even if we don’t notice it, as it happens gradually day to day, we’ve changed a lot in a year. And as we change, we need to consider which of our habits and boundaries are serving us, and which we should let go of. 

And, as Covid cases rise and fall, it’s important to know where your boundaries are, so you can make choices based on your own feelings of comfort and safety, and not based on what you think others want you to do. 

When was the last time you reconsidered your pandemic boundaries? You probably do it without noticing day to day, when you decide where you need to mask up, and where your risk is lower. But it’s always a good idea to take some time to really intentionally reflect on your comfort levels and what will make you feel safe as we continue to navigate this pandemic. That way you can feel confident when you need to communicate and enforce them, because you’ve taken the time to really understand your needs. 

Questions you can ask yourself to reflect on your Covid boundaries:

• What are the cases looking like in my local area?

• What are the recommended precautions in my area?

• How many people do I intend to see on a regular basis?

• Do I know (in general) how many people they interact with daily?

• Do I know who of my social circle is vaccinated? 

• Will I be around anyone who cannot get vaccinated?

• Do I have underlying health risks I need to be concerned about?

These are all questions you’ve probably asked yourself before. But taking time to sit with them again as circumstances change throughout the pandemic can help ease anxiety, as it’s a way for you to take control of what you’re able to, when so much else is out of your control. 

Now that we’re so deep into the pandemic, some of our boundaries are becoming more relaxed, so it can feel tough to reinforce firm boundaries.

It can be so hard to go back to strict boundaries after relaxing them a bit, especially if you worry it will offend your loved ones. But not sticking to your boundaries can make it even harder to enforce new ones when you need to. While it may be uncomfortable it’s important to communicate that your boundaries are not up for negotiation. 

If you need help figuring out how to word your boundaries as you communicate them, you can find examples here! 

If you need support setting and communicating your boundaries, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!