How to Ask for Help When You Need It

Do you feel comfortable asking for help?

If you struggle with asking for help, you’re not alone. 

As humans, we’re literally built for community, but that doesn’t make it any easier to ask for help when you need it. In our culture, which is so focused on individualism and the self, it can feel jarring to reach out to others for support and help, even when you need it. 

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

As we grow up, it becomes harder and harder to ask for help. Part of this is because as we get older, we become more independent and are more capable of meeting our own needs. 

Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, or lazy, or not good enough, or incapable, or anything negative. 

If you grew up with caregivers who found it difficult to ask for help, you might also find it hard to ask for help when you need it. If you’re someone who takes pride in their independence and self-sufficiency, it might be hard to admit to yourself, let alone others, that you need help or support. 

The idea that asking for help makes you weak or lazy is a fairly common worry for people, but remind yourself over and over that asking for help is a basic human need. We all do it, and the more you do it, the less strange it will feel. 

How to know when you need help

Remember that we all need help from time to time. We are built to live in communities where we help each other, even if that’s not how our society is currently structured. It’s natural to rely on others - no one can do everything on their own, forever. 

So, how can you even tell when you need help? It can be hard to even recognize when you’re in over your head if you’re not used to asking for support. Some signs that’ it’s time to call in help include: 

• Feeling constantly overwhelmed or burnt out

• Dealing with something difficult, like grief, stress, a traumatic event, or a mental health condition

• Being physically unable to do things for yourself

• Losing interest in things you care about 

• Emotions you don’t understand or that scare you

• Feeling unable to meet your needs 

So, how can you make it easier to ask for help when you need it? Try these suggestions: 

Practice checking in with yourself so you know how you feel

It’s hard to ask for help when you don’t know how you feel or what you need support with. Identifying how you’re feeling is an important first step, because it can clue you in to what you need. It takes practice to learn what certain emotions feel like for you, or the signs that indicate that you could use some assistance, but the more you make it a habit to check in with yourself, the easier it will be to figure out what you need. 

Think about what gets in the way of asking for help

When you need help, what is it that makes you feel like you can’t ask for help? Do you tell yourself stories like “I”m not good enough” or “Asking for help makes me lazy” or even “No one would want to help me, anyway”? We all have these knee-jerk reactions, about everything, and trying to untangle the helpful thoughts from the unhelpful ones can make a big difference. Remind yourself that we all need help from time to time. 

Know what you’re asking for

It’s hard to offer help to someone who isn’t sure what they’re asking for, so it’s helpful to know what you need help with in the first place. What is the issue you’re having trouble with? Are you asking for one favor, or do you need more long-term support? What are the smallest chunks you can break the need down into? 

Use DEAR MAN or other format to plan the conversation

There are many helpful ways to structure important conversations, but the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill “DEAR MAN” can be a useful guide for structuring the conversation. DEAR MAN is an Interpersonal Effectiveness skill in DBT that helps you plan out what you’re going to say in a difficult conversation. 

There are different approaches, based on what your main goal is for the discussion, but the basic structure goes like this: 

• Describe the problem or situation

• Express how you feel about it

• Assert your need for help

• Reinforce what’s in it for the other person to help you

• Mindfully focus on your goal

• Appear confident

• Negotiate if necessary

Approach people you trust and have a relationship with

Asking for help can be trickier when you don’t have a relationship with the person you need help from. As you build up your confidence in asking for help, start by approaching people you already trust and have a good relationship with. Asking for help and getting it can help you feel more comfortable with asking for help in general, and that confidence can help you in moments where you need help from someone you don’t know as well. 

Don’t beat yourself up for needing help

Finally, be nice to yourself when you’re asking for help. You’re not stupid, or bad, or wrong, or lazy, or not good enough, or whatever it is that you feel when you ask for help. Don’t beat yourself up for needing support - it’s absolutely human to need help, and it’s okay to ask for it. You’re doing a hard thing, and you should be proud of yourself! 

What to do when you ask for help and are told no

Everyone has different capacities for helping others, and there might be a time when you ask for help and the person you’re asking says no. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for help when you need it! It can be discouraging to work up the nerve to ask someone for something, especially when you don’t usually ask for help. 

Remember that someone being unable to offer help doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you, that you aren’t worthy of help, or that you’re a burden. It usually just means that they don’t have the capacity to help you at the moment. It’s okay to ask someone else, even if you’ve already been turned down, because it’s still okay to need help. 

Do you struggle with asking for help from others, even when you really need it? You’re not alone! Working with a therapist can help you feel more comfortable asking for help when you need it. Our therapists have appointments available now - click here to get started.  

What Do I Need to Know Before my First Therapy Session?

First: take a second to feel proud of yourself.

Starting therapy is a big step. While therapy has been more normalized and less taboo to talk about socially in recent years, it’s still a difficult step to take for yourself. It requires a lot of vulnerability and self compassion–and hope! Taking the step is incredibly brave, and if you haven’t heard it somewhere else, let us be the first to say, we’re proud of you. 

Starting something new–especially something like therapy, which asks us to be present and raw and honest–often brings up some anxiety. If you’re feeling nervous or apprehensive before your first session, know that that’s completely common and nothing to be ashamed of. And if you’re willing to bring it up, it’s something you can tell your therapist in your first session so they can more specifically address what you’re concerned about! 

To help cover some more general concerns, here are our tips on how to prepare for your first therapy session:

Check your therapists website:

It’s common for therapists to have a page on their website that covers what goes into getting started with them. It’s possible any questions you have about the process have already been answered there! Ours includes a frequently asked questions section, but some practices have this as a separate page. While it’s not necessarily required, you could also review the modality your therapist will be utilizing so you can familiarize yourself with what it means and what that looks like in practice. 

Review contact from your therapist: 

How did you make your appointment? Did you get a confirmation email or a message from your therapist with any info on what to bring to the first session? For example, at our practice, once patients are scheduled they get an email with our welcome packet to complete in our online patient portal–this includes any paperwork we need from patients we need to get started with care. Be sure to check if you need to have paperwork completed before your first appointment! 

Prepare for some housekeeping: 

Starting therapy isn’t jumping into the treatment right away. First, you need to meet with your new therapist and go over what brings you in, what could impact your care, what steps your therapist thinks are right for you, etc. In these consultation sessions, your therapist will get some background information on you as a client and go over potential goals for your therapeutic treatment. This time is important for both you and your therapist to assess your fit together!

Ask yourself what you need to feel safe being vulnerable: 

Just as your therapist will be assessing the fit of their practice for your needs, as you begin your work together it’s up to you to decide how you’re feeling about the fit as well. Do you feel comfortable being honest with this person? How does your body react to being with them? If you’re tense or anxious or nervous in your body, is it a discomfort that you can sit with and overcome, or is it more severe, trying to tell you something doesn’t feel safe for you? If it’s discomfort you can sit with, take some time to think about what it is that is causing the discomfort. Are these things you can address with your new therapist? They may be able to help you overcome what might block you from being honest in that space. 

While you can always bring things up throughout your relationship, making intentional space with your therapist to go over what you need to feel safe trusting them with your vulnerability can help lay a strong foundation for the therapeutic relationship right from the beginning. 

If you’re looking for support in the process of finding a therapist, contact us and we can help personally match you to a therapist based on your needs. 

Are Your Boundaries Too Firm?

We know boundaries are important. 

They help us protect our energy, whether it’s our physical energy, our social energy, or our mental & emotional energy. They make it clear to the people we’re in relationships what our limits are (and, if you’re in a close relationship, usually why you have that limit) so that we can continue to show up fully in the areas of our lives that we really need to. 

There are many different types of boundaries to explore, things like: 

• What limits we have on our professional availability

• What makes us feel safe and comfortable in our bodies and homes 

• What personal details we’re willing to share in various social situations 

• What we need to navigate conflict

• How involved we’re comfortable being in the problems/relationships of others

• Etc. 

Basically, when setting boundaries you need to figure out what your limits are. What can you give (whether it’s time, space, money, compassion, energy, etc.) to others without wearing yourself out, overly depleting your own energy, or taking on too much of an emotional, financial or other type of burden? 

There’s a lot of conversation around setting boundaries. How do you decide what they are? How do you communicate them? How do you manage family boundaries? How can you reaffirm your boundaries?

But boundaries, like most things, require nuance. Think of them less like a fence surrounding and protecting you, and more like pillars holding up a structure.

They are crucial to the stability of your relationship, but they leave space open for others to come in. And when a boundary is violated, it is less like the fence surrounding you has been smashed, leaving you completely vulnerable, and more like one of the pillars holding up the structure of your relationship has been damaged. The entire thing doesn’t have to come crumbling down if you can work to repair what was hurt. 

When we’re too firm in our boundaries, we build the fence instead of those pillars–we don’t leave space for anyone else in the relationship. Someone may be granted entry behind the gates, but there is little room to move or grow once inside. 

Being too firm with our boundaries is tempting, and very easy to do.

It can help us stay somewhere we feel safe, knowing there will be no surprises, nothing uncomfortable, and nothing difficult to navigate. Unfortunately, when we live like that, we deny ourselves the opportunity to grow, and to realize we’re actually stronger than we think! If we don’t give ourselves a chance to work through something tough, we’ll never know we can, and we’ll always feel trapped by it. 

Boundaries that are too firm also prevent us from being able to really exist in intimate or close relationships. It’s important that when you set boundaries you’re not actually giving someone a demand or a set of rules for how to interact with you. Boundaries don’t tell others how to behave around you, they let others know what you need to feel safe. Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to honor those boundaries. That means, if someone is doing something that you’re uncomfortable with, you can: 

• Have a conversation with them to explain why you’re uncomfortable, offer a solution to make you both feel better, and give them space to respond

• Remove yourself from the situation

Sometimes it’s easy to say that our boundaries are “don’t do X around me” but we can’t control anyone’s behavior but our own. When we reframe our boundaries as our own responsibility, it gives space for others to show up fully and get to know us with intention. 

Remember, your boundaries are a tool to help you feel safe with others, because feeling safe with others allows honesty and intimacy to flourish. If you need support setting and communicating your boundaries, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

6 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations with Your Partner

Every relationship has ups and downs.

No lasting relationship exists without conflict, so knowing how to address it in a healthy way is crucial for a healthy, lasting relationship. It requires a deep vulnerability and a commitment to be honest, which can be very scary! The more vulnerable and honest we are, the more we feel others have the power to hurt us, even unintentionally. And it can be hard to go to your partner and tell them you’re unhappy about something in your relationship. 

But the truth is, if you didn’t care about the relationship, you wouldn't say anything at all! You would probably just go your own way, and the relationship would be over. It shows how important a relationship is when you’re willing to take that risk to be vulnerable in an attempt to be seen and understood–and hopefully it will allow you and your partner to grow closer.

However, we know that it does feel scary to broach a difficult conversation with a partner.

So to help you, we’ve put together 6 tips for having difficult conversations with your partner: 

Remember your partner is human: 

Even if they have done something that upset you, it’s likely their intention was not to cause you any harm. Remind yourself of a time when you let someone down without intending to, and consider how you wish they had engaged with you. This doesn’t mean to excuse behavior that is a problem, just to go into the conversation with the assumption your partner didn’t mean to hurt you, that they want to learn to be the best partner they can be, but that they will sometimes mess up. 

Understand your own feelings first: 

Take a moment to make sure you understand why you’re upset. Are you upset because your partner is on their phone anytime you watch TV together, or are you upset because it feels like there is very little time where the two of you feel present together? When you figure out what it is you’re actually having an emotional response to, you can communicate your needs much more clearly. And it helps to make sure you’re having a conversation about what actually matters–in this case, it’s not so much about phone usage, but feeling disconnected from one another. So the solution might be to put your phone away at certain times, but it might be something different. Focus on the root of the issue, not just the incident that felt like the tipping point. 

Understand your intention with the conversation: 

What is it you want to happen when you open up to your partner like this? Are you looking for them to just hear your feelings, or do you want them to help “solve” the problem? Sometimes, things are small one-time occurrences, and we might feel that all we need to do is point out what upset us and trust our partner to hear us. But sometimes, the issue is larger or more ongoing. In that case, if your intention is problem solving, remember that you and your partner are a team, and it’s the pair of you vs the problem, not you vs them. 

Be intentional about when you talk: 

When you need to have a serious conversation, you don’t want to feel like you’re just barely squeezing it in. You also don’t want you or your partner to be distracted or pulled away while in the middle of the conversation. So find a time that you are both free to sit and talk for a long time, so you can really focus on one another and not feel rushed or like you weren’t able to really get into it. 

Commit to understanding their side: 

Just as you want them to hear and understand you, give them space to talk so you can do the same. And don’t just listen to respond–really sit and actively listen. What are they saying? What are they hoping you’ll understand? Was this something you knew before? 

Fight fair:

Don’t bring up little annoyances you’ve let slide under the rug. Don’t dredge up an old argument to help “prove your point.” If you feel things getting too heated, suggest a break so that you can both take time to cool off and come back when you’re ready to hear one another.  

If you need some extra support in having difficult conversations with your partner, we can help. Contact us today! 

18 Beautiful Quotes About Intimacy and Love

Intimacy is often confused with sex, but in actuality it involves feeling deeply emotionally connected with another person and a desire to be deeply known. Intimacy is not something achieved quickly, but rather something that continues to mature and develop over time, like a garden or fine wine. Although intimacy is something many of us long for, not all of us find or experience it in our relationships. This is because intimacy involves being vulnerable — taking emotional risks and working through the fear of allowing another person to see you as you truly are. It involves trust, caring, acceptance, safety, and connection. To nurture intimacy is to be willing to show all sides of yourself, to embrace differences, to grow from conflict, and to choose our partners — the individuals we share our hearts with — wisely.

Below are 18 quotes on intimacy and love demonstrating their beauty and timelessness.

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”

— John Joseph Powell, The Secret of Staying in Love

“I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other’s wounds; they repair the broken skin.”

— Lauren Oliver

“Most people are slow to champion love because they fear the transformation it brings into their lives. And make no mistake about it: love does take over and transform the schemes and operations of our egos in a very mighty way.”

— Aberjhani

“True love is not a hide and seek game: in true love, both lovers seek each other.”

— ichael Bassey Johnson

“The deepest moments of intimacy occur when you’re not talking.”

— Patricia Love

“Can the purpose of a relationship be to trigger our wounds? In a way, yes, because that is how healing happens; darkness must be exposed before it can be transformed. The purpose of an intimate relationship is not that it be a place where we can hide from our weaknesses, but rather where we can safely let them go. It takes strength of character to truly delve into the mystery of an intimate relationship, because it takes the strength to endure a kind of psychic surgery, an emotional and psychological and even spiritual initiation into the higher Self. Only then can we know an enchantment that lasts.”

— Marianne Williamson

“They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Love is like breathing. You take it in and let it out.”

— Wally Lamb

“Intimacy is a totally different dimension. It is allowing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself.”

— Osho

“Real intimacy is a sacred experience. It never exposes its secret trust and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture. Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved.”

— John O'Donohue

“Intimacy is not something that just happens between two people; it is a way of being alive. At every moment, we are choosing either to reveal ourselves or to protect ourselves, to value ourselves or to diminish ourselves, to tell the truth or to hide. To dive into life or to avoid it. Intimacy is making the choice to be connected to, rather than isolated from, our deepest truth at that moment.”

— Geneen Roth

“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”

— Jane Austen

“If you love a person and live the whole life with him or with her, a great intimacy will grow and love will have deeper and deeper revelations to make to you. It is not possible if you go on changing partners very often. It is as if you go on changing a tree from one place to another, then another; then it never grows roots anywhere. To grow roots, a tree needs to remain in one place. Then it goes deeper; then it becomes stronger. Intimacy is good, and to remain in one commitment is beautiful, but the basic necessity is love. If a tree is rooted in a place where there are only rocks and they are killing the tree, then it is better to remove it. Then don’t insist that it should remain in the one place. Remain true to life – remove the tree, because now it is going against life.”

— Osho

“If fear is the great enemy of intimacy, love is its true friend.”

— Henri Nouwen

“Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling.”

— Joyce Brothers

“My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.”

— Maya Angelou

“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.”

— Ann Landers

“To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well.”

— John Gray

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Therapist in mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

19 Powerful Brene Brown Quotes on Embracing Vulnerability, Love, and Belonging

Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor whose work on vulnerability, shame, empathy has inspired millions of people to embrace imperfection, to hope and love wholeheartedly. Her words are especially powerful for those of us who never quite comfortable in our own skin, who feel as if we have to ‘hustle’ for love or worthiness. If you’ve ever felt this way — felt as if you’re never quite enough — read her words and be reminded that we’re all in this together. You’re beautiful in your vulnerability. You’re worthy. You belong.

Brene Brown Quotes on Vulnerability, Love, and Belonging

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

— Brené Brown

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”

— Brené Brown

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

— Brené Brown

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

— Brené Brown

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

— Brené Brown

“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

— Brené Brown

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

— Brené Brown

“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.”

— Brené Brown

“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”

— Brené Brown

“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”

— Brené Brown

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”

— Brené Brown

“Numb the dark and you numb the light.”

— Brené Brown

“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”

— Brené Brown

“Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.”

— Brené Brown

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”

— Brené Brown

“The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect.”

— Brené Brown

“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”

— Brené Brown

“I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness–it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.”

— Brené Brown

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.”

— Brené Brown

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Therapist in mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!