What Parents Should Know About Teen Depression: A Compassionate Guide for Supporting Your Teen
Knowing that your teen is depressed can be scary as a parent.
It can feel like it goes against everything you labor for as a parent to see them struggle to get out of bed, or lose interest in their hobbies, or pull away from their friends. You’re watching them lose sleep, watching their grades drop, and you want to help but you don’t know how.
It’s a hard place to be, and the first thing to know is that you’re not alone. This is something lots of other parents have to manage, and while it can feel overwhelming, there are things you can do to help. Try to remind yourself that depression is treatable, so your teen won’t have to feel trapped in these feelings forever.
First, how do you know when it’s time to be concerned?
Sometimes, regular parts of being a teenager can be difficult for parents because it’s such a drastic change from what they’re used to. Teens pulling away, sharing less of their interests with their parents, and spending more time privately is not uncommon for most teens. Their gaining more independence and developing a stronger sense of self, so they don’t need their parents in the same way they did as a small child.
So how do you know when they’re pulling away from you to explore their independence, and when they’re pulling away from everything because they’re depressed?
Unpredictable moods that seem to emotionally impact them as well:
It’s easy to feel like teens are having mood swings when they get annoyed with us as parents, but feeling annoyed with their parents now and again isn’t itself a sign of concern. If your teen seems to be overwhelmed by their own feelings, like they can’t control them and it’s creating distress for them, that’s a sign for concern.
Changes in sleep:
It’s normal for teens to need a lot of sleep, so sleeping in a lot probably isn’t a sign of concern–especially considering how early teens have to wake up for school, and how much mental and physical energy is taken up by school and extracurriculars, it makes sense they’re making the most of their weekends as time to sleep in. But have their sleep patterns changed dramatically? Are they having trouble getting to sleep, or staying asleep? Are they more than tired–do they seem groggy or fatigued even hours after they’ve woken up? Do they seem tired all the time, but are also unable to sleep? Fatigue and sleep difficulty can be symptoms of something larger.
Drop in academic performance:
While it may not necessarily indicate that your teen is depressed, if they’ve typically had a steady academic performance and are suddenly struggling or their grades are high one day and low the next, that indicates that something is preventing them from being able to function at their typical level. Are they struggling with a teacher or a subject? Is something happening at school that’s making them unable to focus on their schoolwork? Whether it’s because they’re struggling with feelings of depression, or another reason, unpredictable changes in academic performance can signal they need support somewhere.
How to help:
Remember, while what you’re going through is frightening and difficult, so is what your teen is going through. They might be confused and overwhelmed, and even feel hopeless. They may not know how to explain what’s happening to them, and it might be hard for them to admit that they need help. Your teen might be thinking things like “I have no reason to feel this way,” or “my parents are going to be so upset with me for all the schoolwork I’ve missed,” or “no one else is struggling like this, I’m such a failure.”
Internalizing these feelings of shame and fear can make it hard for them to reach out, which is why they may not ask you for help directly. That’s why it’s important for parents to be proactive in noticing these signs and offering support in ways that feel safe and affirming for their teen. Here are some gentle methods to supporting your teen through this:
When you start to talk about what they’re going through, keep the conversation focused on their experience:
Instead of making the conversation about how much you’re worried about them, let them know you’ve noticed they haven’t been themselves lately. Let them know you want to be there to help them feel safe and supported as they figure out what they need to get back to a place they feel good in. Make space to listen to them and what they’re experiencing, and let them know that while all the burdens they’re shouldering right now are hard, there are ways to get treatment so they won’t feel that weight forever.
It may feel challenging to support your teen when you feel frustrated and afraid for the way their depression has been affecting them. However, your support is invaluable. Try not to be judgmental or critical, but to remain calm and compassionate.
Remember you’re there to support their needs, not fix their problems:
It may feel passive to listen and support. As a parent, you can see what they need to do and all you may want to do is problem solve and resolve their issues for them. It is natural to feel this way. However, increasing your control over their behavior and problem solving for them can come across as judgmental, controlling, or invalidating. Your teen will need to learn how to manage their feelings and problem solve on their own. Your guidance, relationship, and support are essential during this time.
Acknowledge when they do something supportive for themselves, not just what you’re concerned about:
Depression can result from a lack of positive experience in the environment. With the pressures of high school and college admissions, this can particularly be the case. Try to notice when your teen is engaging in healthy, positive behaviors such as spending time with friends, or going on a walk to relax and unwind. Spend quality time with them and encourage them to engage in activities that will improve their activity and functioning, such as taking a run, walking the dog, spending time with friends, engaging in a hobby.
Encourage these opportunities without criticism or judgment. It’s understandable that your teen may be doing less of these activities, as that is a sign of depression. Gently let them know you understand, validating their feelings, while encouraging them to continue engaging in life’s activities.
Getting Your Teen the Help They Need
Try to learn more about the signs and symptoms of depression. Speak with other parents and connect with resources available to you. This can help with understanding how best to support your teen, particularly if you have not experienced depression yourself. Some helpful resources include:
Therapy can be a great source of support and treatment for depression. In therapy, your teen will have a safe place where they can work through their feelings and learn skills that have been found helpful and effective in managing depression. Many studies in particular, have found cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) for the treatment of depression. The journey may be difficult, but with love and care, your teen can find their way back to a steadier, happier self.
Our team of therapists at Hope+Wellness can help your teen navigate life with depression, and support them as they find ways to thrive. Whether you’d prefer a virtual appointment or to come into one of our offices in Northern Virginia or D.C., our clinicians have experience supporting college students during this time of change and growth. Contact us today to get started.
It’s a hard place to be, and the first thing to know is that you’re not alone. This is something lots of other parents have to manage, and while it can feel overwhelming, there are things you can do to help. Try to remind yourself that depression is treatable, so your teen won’t have to feel trapped in these feelings forever.