3 Tips for More Effective Communication with Your Teen

What does it mean to have effective communication with your teen?

Effective communication is harder than we may think it is! It’s not how we typically learn to listen and communicate. In fact, most of us usually listen in order to respond instead of in order to really hear what the other person is saying. And while it is not usually intended to be harmful or malicious, it can cause misunderstandings, miscommunication, and feelings of being ignored, or resentment. This is especially harmful in conversation with teenagers who rely on you to be a safe space for support!

So what does effective communication look like? It looks like:

• Fully listening when they talk–not just listening to try to figure out what to say next

• Feeling as though they are fully listening to you in return

• You both feel heard and understood when you leave the conversation

• You’re able to talk about how you really feel (and they are too) 

What are the obstacles to communicating effectively with our teens?

One might be schedules! Being a parent and being a teen are both busy and full of commitments that take up your time. Whether that’s work and providing for and managing your families needs, or school and clubs and extracurricular activities and social engagements–that’s a lot of time accounted for. And, being a teenager often means having a little more freedom over where you go and how you spend your time. 

So you’ll both be busy, and they will need you a little less. These aren’t bad things, they’re a natural part of growing up, but it does mean there will be less opportunity for the two of you to connect at home, so you’ll have to be intentional about the time you do share with them. 

Another barrier to effective communication is fear on the part of the teen. This could be fear of being honest, fear that being honest will lead to being reprimanded or punished. If every time your teen opens up to you, the conversation is turned into a lecture or a punishment, they aren’t going to feel like you’re a safe person to turn to. 

Why is good communication between parents and teens so important? Here are a few ways open and healthy communication can benefit your teen:

• Modeling healthy honest communication

• Improving their self esteem

• Encouraging cooperative problem solving

So how can you improve your communication with your teenager?

Don’t try to solve their problems for them:

If you’re always jumping in and interrupting your teen while they talk to you in an attempt to solve their problem, they aren’t going to see it as helpful. More likely, they are going to see it as you not wanting to listen to everything they have to say. And, they might not want advice — they might just want someone to listen while they figure out what they want to do and to validate their feelings. We all just want to be reassured sometimes! The same is true for teenagers. While you may think you know exactly what they should do to solve their problem, remember it’s their life! If they want advice, they can ask you for it, otherwise let them make their own choices on how to handle their own problems. 

Eliminate distractions:

Show your teen that when they’re taking the time to connect with you, it matters. This means don’t be on your phone or computer or trying to multitask – give them your full undivided attention! This not only increases the effectiveness of the communication between you and them, but it also helps to teach them by example how to effectively and considerately communicate with others. And it will help to strengthen your connection because you’re actually present for the conversation!  

Ask honest (not loaded) questions:

Get curious about your teens life, but don’t ask questions just to try to figure out if they are following rules, misbehaving, interacting with people you don’t approve of, etc. If your teen feels like you’re only talking to them to snoop around for information, they won’t feel trust within your relationship, and they won’t feel comfortable opening up to you. On the flip side, if they see you are genuinely engaged and care about what’s happening in their life, they will want to share it with you. 

You also might not understand everything they’re going through or why certain things are a big deal to them. That’s okay–ask questions not to express judgement but to show curiosity. You don’t understand, but you want to. 

Do you need help strengthening your communication skills with your teen? We can help support you. Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians!