3 Tips for More Effective Communication with Your Teen

What does it mean to have effective communication with your teen?

Effective communication is harder than we may think it is! It’s not how we typically learn to listen and communicate. In fact, most of us usually listen in order to respond instead of in order to really hear what the other person is saying. And while it is not usually intended to be harmful or malicious, it can cause misunderstandings, miscommunication, and feelings of being ignored, or resentment. This is especially harmful in conversation with teenagers who rely on you to be a safe space for support!

So what does effective communication look like? It looks like:

• Fully listening when they talk–not just listening to try to figure out what to say next

• Feeling as though they are fully listening to you in return

• You both feel heard and understood when you leave the conversation

• You’re able to talk about how you really feel (and they are too) 

What are the obstacles to communicating effectively with our teens?

One might be schedules! Being a parent and being a teen are both busy and full of commitments that take up your time. Whether that’s work and providing for and managing your families needs, or school and clubs and extracurricular activities and social engagements–that’s a lot of time accounted for. And, being a teenager often means having a little more freedom over where you go and how you spend your time. 

So you’ll both be busy, and they will need you a little less. These aren’t bad things, they’re a natural part of growing up, but it does mean there will be less opportunity for the two of you to connect at home, so you’ll have to be intentional about the time you do share with them. 

Another barrier to effective communication is fear on the part of the teen. This could be fear of being honest, fear that being honest will lead to being reprimanded or punished. If every time your teen opens up to you, the conversation is turned into a lecture or a punishment, they aren’t going to feel like you’re a safe person to turn to. 

Why is good communication between parents and teens so important? Here are a few ways open and healthy communication can benefit your teen:

• Modeling healthy honest communication

• Improving their self esteem

• Encouraging cooperative problem solving

So how can you improve your communication with your teenager?

Don’t try to solve their problems for them:

If you’re always jumping in and interrupting your teen while they talk to you in an attempt to solve their problem, they aren’t going to see it as helpful. More likely, they are going to see it as you not wanting to listen to everything they have to say. And, they might not want advice — they might just want someone to listen while they figure out what they want to do and to validate their feelings. We all just want to be reassured sometimes! The same is true for teenagers. While you may think you know exactly what they should do to solve their problem, remember it’s their life! If they want advice, they can ask you for it, otherwise let them make their own choices on how to handle their own problems. 

Eliminate distractions:

Show your teen that when they’re taking the time to connect with you, it matters. This means don’t be on your phone or computer or trying to multitask – give them your full undivided attention! This not only increases the effectiveness of the communication between you and them, but it also helps to teach them by example how to effectively and considerately communicate with others. And it will help to strengthen your connection because you’re actually present for the conversation!  

Ask honest (not loaded) questions:

Get curious about your teens life, but don’t ask questions just to try to figure out if they are following rules, misbehaving, interacting with people you don’t approve of, etc. If your teen feels like you’re only talking to them to snoop around for information, they won’t feel trust within your relationship, and they won’t feel comfortable opening up to you. On the flip side, if they see you are genuinely engaged and care about what’s happening in their life, they will want to share it with you. 

You also might not understand everything they’re going through or why certain things are a big deal to them. That’s okay–ask questions not to express judgement but to show curiosity. You don’t understand, but you want to. 

Do you need help strengthening your communication skills with your teen? We can help support you. Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians! 

What parents of anxious children should know about anxiety

What is anxiety?

Feeling anxious is a completely normal part of life. When big events or school projects or new social experiences are coming up, it’s natural for your child to feel some degree of anxiety. However, just as in adult, anxiety in children can also become overwhelming. When this anxiety tips over from being a manageable emotion to being a major obstacle in their everyday life, that’s when your child may be struggling to manage an anxiety disorder. 

In general, there are three types of anxiety that are the most common in children. These are: 

1. Generalized Anxiety: when the child experiences pervasive anxiety or distress at everyday occurrences, most often regarding school or sports in children. Typically categorized by “undue distress about a variety of everyday things beyond the scope of more specific anxieties and phobias” (Child Mind Institute)

2. Separation Anxiety: when the child is anxious at the prospect of being separated from someone of significance. (A parent, a sibling, a close friend, a pet, etc.) This type of anxiety is very common in toddlers, but can also appear in school age & adolescent children. 

3. Social Anxiety: when the child is anxious, worried, nervous, etc. in any sort of social situation. This can include playdates, school activities, sports, clubs, etc. There is often an underlying self-consciousness, a fear of being judged, disliked, or embarrassed. 

4. Specific, Severe Phobias: this is when the child has a severe fear of something irrational. They might be afraid of thunder, which could cause them to work themselves into nervousness or an anxiety attack if the sky turns dark or it starts to rain. 

How does it show up in kids?

If you believe your child is struggling with anxiety, there are some key physical, emotional & behavioral symptoms to look out for. Physical symptoms include: 

• Frequent  physical aches: if your child is often getting headaches or stomach aches, it may be a physical manifestation of anxiety. Pay attention to any patterns you can identify when your child starts to complain of these aches. 

• Trouble eating: does your child feel sick or nauseated when it comes time to eat somewhere unfamiliar? Being uncomfortable eating anywhere other than the home is a sign of anxiety that can often spiral into physical sickness when the time to eat at school (or a friend’s house, or a club, etc.) comes along. 

•  Trouble using the bathroom: as with eating, if your child has difficulty using the bathroom anywhere new or outside of your home, that may be a symptom of anxiety. 

• Difficulty sleeping: just as in adults, anxiety can impair a child’s ability to fall asleep, sleep restfully, or stay asleep. 

Emotional & Behavioral symptoms of anxiety in children include: 

• Intense, heightened emotional reactivity: Anxiety is a difficult feeling to process and understand, especially as a child. Instead, they may be more inclined to react with other extreme emotions. If your child seems as though they are crying more than usual, is extremely sensitive, becomes irritable easily, etc. it is likely an emotional manifestation of their anxiety. 

• Continued worry over everyday activities: does your child seem worried or panicked about things you or they do all the time? Are they worried about being dropped off at school? Do they fret about getting out of the car in the right spot, finding the right door to walk through, etc.? These fixated worries are probably a sign of anxiety. 

• Isolation: does your child remove themselves from social situations, even ones you think they may enjoy? Do they participate in class or sports or clubs? Do they try anything to get out of going to school? Do they dread birthday parties, etc.?

• Need for approval: while there is an inherent desire for approval in almost all of us, anxious kids struggle much more with this need. They find themselves looking for approval or permission for everything they do.

• Look out for: the phrase “will you do it for me?” When kids are overwhelmed by anxiety, they can often want their parents to take over. Even if it something you know they are capable of doing on their own, if they are experiencing anxiety, this phrase is likely to crop up. 

What challenges will this create for them?

The ways in which anxiety manifests in children makes it difficult for them socially, academically & developmentally. At this age, learning to form new relationships is crucial, and the foundations of learning and personal development are taking place. 

When children are too anxious to take part in social or school activities, they miss out on critical experiences like: making friends, learning social rules, developing problem solving skills, etc.  

How can you help?

Hope isn’t lost though! There is plenty that can be done to help your child manage their anxiety and thrive, with healthy coping skills. Here are five ways you can help your child learn about & manage their anxiety: 

1. Give it a name: when your child is feeling anxious, have them draw a picture of what that anxiety feels like. Have them give it a face, a body, a name. This can help you teach them that their anxiety is a separate thing from their own identity. Talk about their anxiety monster as if it is it’s own being. When they have anxious thoughts, ask them, “What is Bob (or whatever name they choose) saying to you?” Remind them that there is no judgment, no wrong answer. Be there to help them separate fact from fiction in what their anxiety is telling them. 

2. Give them a chance to slow down: if you can, encourage your child to focus on their breathing. Show them how to breathe in and out slowly, counting breaths, until they are able to slow down. If they are in the midst of an emotional reaction (crying, a tantrum, etc.) give them a glass of water and have them drink the whole thing. In order to drink it, they will have to slow down and focus on breathing while they drink it, which can help calm them down. 

3. Have regular “worry time”: Make space in your schedule to sit with them and discuss what they are worried about. This will help them feel listened to and validated, and allow you to brainstorm solutions to whatever is worrying them. When it’s worry time, sit down with them and tell them “Okay, it’s Worry Time, tell me what you’re worried about.” Let them say anything they need to without cutting them off. Don’t tell them their worries are silly, instead offer a solution. For example: if your child get anxious about speaking in front of others, but knows they have a school project coming up, they will probably feel anxious about it. Teach them to manage their problems in small chunks. First, they can write down what they want to say. Then they can practice it in front of you. Then add a sibling or a friend, but have them turn around and face the other way. Then have them say it while facing you, etc. 

4. Help them find accommodations: if your child is frequently anxious in new social situations, try to expose them to new places + people in small, controlled doses. If there is a birthday party coming up, call the parents of the child and see if your children can get together at their house before the party, so it will be a more familiar environment. If your child is going to summer camp, see if you can visit and meet teachers or counselors or coaches beforehand. 

5. Teach them that worry has a purpose: It isn’t wrong to be worried–in fact that feeling of worry often lets us know that something isn’t right. The problem comes when that worry takes control of their whole life. Remind them that they can always come to you with their worries, and you will help them find a solution. 

If you're looking for support for your anxious child, or if you're not sure where to begin, contact us today for help! 

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therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

5 Things to Know if Your Teen is Dealing with Depression

It can be scary and overwhelming to learn that your teen is depressed. You want to support your child, but don’t quite know how. You watch them struggle to get up in the morning in order to make it on time to school. They aren’t getting much sleep and don’t seem to find much enjoyment in things anymore. You worry about their grades and how this will impact college admissions. Nothing you’ve tried seems to help. When they were younger, you were able to swoop in and help. But now that they are older, they don’t seem interested in it.

One of the first things to know is that you’re not alone. Many other parents are worried and experiencing similar struggles with their teen. The second thing to know is that depression is treatable and there are things that parents can do to best support their child. Below are 5 ways to help if your teen is dealing with depression.

1. Be Supportive

Listen to your teen. Let them know you are there for them to listen and support them. Try to understand things from their perspective. Empathize and try to validate their feelings without supporting any unhealthy behavior. For example, you could say, “it sounds like you’ve been feeling really low, and I know it must be difficult to get through each day. How can I support you?”

It may feel challenging to support your teen when you feel frustrated and afraid for the way their depression has been affecting them. However, your support is invaluable. Try not to be judgmental or critical, but to remain calm and compassionate.

2. Avoid Trying to Control or Fix Their Problems for Them

It may feel passive to listen and support. As a parent, you can see what they need to do and all you may want to do is problem solve and resolve their issues for them. It is natural to feel this way. However, increasing your control over their behavior and problem solving for them can come across as judgmental, controlling, or invalidating. Your teen will need to learn how to manage their feelings and problem solve on their own. Your guidance, relationship, and support are essential during this time.

3. Encourage Positive Behaviors and Coping

Depression can result from a lack of positive experience in the environment. With the pressures of high school and college admissions, this can particularly be the case. Try to notice when your teen is engaging in healthy, positive behaviors such as spending time with friends, or going on a walk to relax and unwind. Spend quality time with them and encourage them to engage in activities that will improve their activity and functioning, such as taking a run, walking the dog, spending time with friends, engaging in a hobby. Encourage these opportunities without criticism or judgment. It’s understandable that your teen may be doing less of these activities, as that is a sign of depression. Gently let them know you understand, validating their feelings, while encouraging them to continue engaging in life’s activities.

4. Learn about depression

Try to learn more about the signs and symptoms of depression. Speak with other parents and connect with resources available to you. This can help with understanding how best to support your teen, particularly if you have not experienced depression yourself. Some helpful resources include:

Child Mind Institute - Childhood and Teen Depression

Parent’s Guide to Teen Depression

Mayo Clinic - Teen Depression

5. Get Your Teen Treatment

Therapy can be a great source of support and treatment for depression. In therapy, your teen will have a safe place where they can work through their feelings and learn skills that have been found helpful and effective in managing depression. Many studies in particular, have found cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) for the treatment of depression.

Your teen may or may not be interested in therapy. This is normal. Try to involve them in your search for a therapist. Have them look through websites and meet with different therapists to get a sense of fit and connection. While the therapist will meet with teens for one on one sessions, its also important you feel comfortable with the therapist and will be able have time meeting one on one with the therapist as a parent for guidance on how best to support your child.

Overall, it can be overwhelming when your teen begins to experience symptoms of depression, but know that much can be done to help support them.

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therapist in mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!