Thanksgiving Survival Guide

Thanksgiving is nearly here, and with that can come a lot of complicated emotions. 

If you’re feeling anxious about the upcoming holiday season, kicked off by Thanksgiving this week, you’re not alone. To help, we’ve gone through our blog to date and gathered up posts we think will help you get through this season: 

For managing a fraught relationship with your body: 

The holiday season is a tough time for folks who struggle with their body image, disordered eating, or compulsive exercising. So much of the season is focused on food, so if you have a hard time treating your body with kindness and meeting its needs regularly, being surrounded by food and food talk can be triggering. Here are some blogs to help you incorporate some kindness toward your body into the season: 

• Keeping Peace with Your Body During the Holiday Season

• Can I Have a Healthy Relationship with My Body Without Loving it?

For help navigating uncomfortable conversations: 

Family gatherings can be wonderful, but they can also remind us how not everyone we encounter will share our world view or values. When hard subjects come up, it’s up to you whether or not it’s the right time to really dive into things, but when you do, remember to do it with care and intention. These blogs can help you move through hard conversations with compassion and respect–for yourself and who you’re talking to. While some of them explore difficult conversations between romantic partners, the basic ideas can be applied to any relationship. 

• 7 Ways to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship

• 8 Tips for Hard Conversations in Your Relationship 

• How to Tell Someone They’ve Hurt Your Feelings

• Setting Boundaries: Why You Should & What to Say

• 4 Ways to Practice Accountability in Your Relationships

For moments of high anxiety or emotional disregulation: 

Big gatherings don’t always go smoothly, and it’s possible that when surrounded by family with complicated relationships to one another, that there may be moments where you feel anxious, tense, or like your emotions aren’t quite in your control. Use these blogs to help you work through those moments with self compassion and intention. 

• 5 Strategies for Overcoming Social Anxiety at Holiday Gatherings

• How to Make a Coping Skills Toolbox

• How Grounding Techniques Can Help with Anxiety

Remember, the holiday season doesn’t last forever, even though it seems endless when you’re dreading it. If you’re struggling with social anxiety this holiday season, working with a therapist can help. Contact our office today to make an appointment!

How Mindful Communication Can Improve Your Relationships

How often do you feel like you’re fully aware of the present moment?

It’s hard to stay in the present moment these days. There are always a million and one things pulling our attention away from the here and now. This is especially true when we’re communicating with other people. It’s easy to get caught up in emotions, or to think about what you’re going to say next, or get distracted by something on your mental to-do list. Practicing mindful communication can be a helpful way to improve your relationships. 

What is mindful communication?

Mindful communication occurs when you make a conscious effort to remain grounded in the present moment while you communicate with others. Staying completely in the present moment without getting distracted by something - a text, a random thought, a response to what the other person is saying, anxiety - isn’t easy. It takes practice and self compassion. 

It’s hard to give 100 percent of our attention to something because there are so many things to do, and it seems like there’s not enough time to get everything done. We often feel like multitasking is our only choice, to do everything we need and want to do. Think about how many times you’ve done multiple things at once - having a conversation while driving, cooking dinner and talking - it happens all the time. 

Mindfulness is a practice that’s focused on training yourself to spend more time in the present moment. It’s not about making every moment of your life mindful, because that’s not entirely realistic. There are going to be times where you’re not fully focused on what’s going on. That’s okay! You don’t need to choose between being 100 percent mindful or 0 percent. You can find a balance that works for you.

There are many benefits to mindfulness, including the ways that mindful communication can enhance relationships. Here are 4 ways that mindful communication can help you improve the relationships that matter to you:

Enhanced listening skills

It’s hard to listen well when you’re distracted and not fully grounded in the present moment. When you’re distracted, you’ll miss out on some of what’s being said, especially the non-verbal aspects of communication like body language. Giving the other person your undivided attention can help you understand what they’re saying more effectively, and help them to feel heard and validated.

Increased empathy

Maintaining your sense of empathy when talking to people you care about can make difficult conversations go a lot smoother. A big piece of mindfulness is being compassionate with yourself when you slip up. Learning how to be kind to yourself can help you extend that kindness to others. 

Remembering that the person you’re talking to has their own side and their own stuff going on can make it easier to see where they’re coming from. People also tend to want to open up when they’re being treated with kindness and empathy. Staying mindful when you communicate can help you notice when you’re getting frustrated or dysregulated instead of reacting first. 

Reduced reactivity

Mindfully communicating with others can help to lessen moments of reactivity. Instead of saying something you’ll regret later, you can recognize when you’re getting carried away by emotions and gently remind yourself to return to the present. You can notice when you’re feeling closed off or reactive, so you can choose to react differently. This can also be helpful with lowering defensiveness and other unhelpful patterns of conflict in relationships. 

Improved trust

Trust is hugely important in relationships, and mindful communication can help you build trust. Knowing someone will give you their full attention when you talk makes it easier to open up. It’s helpful to relationships to be open and honest, because that shows the other person that they can be open and honest as well. 

Are you wondering where to start? Try these strategies for mindful communication:

• Manage distractions - Put your phone away, turn away from the computer, lower the volume on anything playing, make sure you won’t be bothered

• Listen to understand, not to respond - focus on what they’re saying, not what you’ll say back

• Take turns talking - when you know your turn to speak will come, it’s less tempting to interrupt to try to get your point across.

• Be thoughtful about what you say - think about what you want to say before you say it so that your meaning doesn’t get distorted. Consider your tone and your language.

• Think about your goal for the conversation - what are you hoping to get out of communicating?

Making time for mindfulness can make a big difference in how you feel and in how you relate to others. Working with a therapist can help you practice mindfulness skills and find more ways to improve the relationships you care about. If you’re interested in working with one of our Maryland, Virginia, or Washington DC therapists, get in touch with our office today! 

How to Be Okay With Saying No

Do you have a hard time saying no to others?

Saying no is an important skill, but it’s not always easy. If you struggle with saying no to people in your life, whether it’s your family, friends, or people at work, you’re not alone. 

Many people struggle to say no because they fear hurting others or they feel confident in saying no. It’s okay to say no, and learning how to say no is a skill that you can learn at any stage of life, even if you’ve struggled with it in the past. 

Why saying no is hard 

Saying no often makes people feel like they’re letting someone down or being selfish. 

Many folks struggle with people pleasing and the guilt that comes with having to tell someone something they don’t want to hear. 

It’s impossible to get through life without hurting someone else’s feelings. Living in community with other people means that at some point, there will be tension. Trying to not hurt anyone’s feelings at the expense of your own builds resentments and can take a toll on your relationships. 

It’s hard to set boundaries and say no if you never saw anyone do that as you were growing up. Many of us grew up mirroring our parents who never said no or set boundaries, no matter what the consequences. There are also some situations  like in abusive relationships, where people feel like they can’t say no or face serious consequences or danger. 

Whatever the reason, it makes sense that saying no is hard. You’re not a bad person if you have a hard time saying no - you’re actually in the same boat with a lot of other people! However, if you don’t say no to things sometimes, you'll find yourself burned out and resentful of the people in your life who ask so much of you. 

The benefits of saying no

It takes time to be okay with saying no, but there are a lot of benefits of learning this skill. Saying no can help you: 

• Establish boundaries

• Increase self-confidence and self-compassion

• Manage stress

• Lessen resentment and regret which overall improves relationships 

• Reach your goals by focusing on your needs instead of everyone else’s 

It can be hard to break out of a pattern where you feel like you can’t ever say no, even to honor your own boundaries. Here are some tips to help you feel comfortable and confident saying no. 

Get to know what a “no” feels like for you

Do you know what it feels like to say no in your body? Try to explore what it feels like in your mind and body when you say no to someone you care about. Do you have a gut feeling, or does it take time to sort out what you feel? Where do you feel the “no” in your body? Some people experience tightness in the chest or throat, upset stomach, or muscle tension. 

When decisions come up in the future, and you feel the sensations that you know are associated with a “no” for you, you’ll be able to recognize it. It will be easier to let people know what your answer is when you actually know it yourself. 

Consider yourself just as much as you consider others

This doesn’t mean you’re selfish! It just means that you consider your mental health, your energy levels, your values, on the same level that you consider others. For people who struggle with saying no, remember that you are allowed to prioritize your own needs the way you prioritize the needs of others. It can feel weird at first, and people who are used to you saying yes may struggle with new boundaries, but that doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong. 

Understand your values

When you know what your values are, it’s easier to make decisions. Your values help you decide what is important to you and why, and knowing this information about yourself helps you feel confident in your choices. It will be easier to say no when you are asked to do something that goes against your values when you understand what your values are. Getting clear on your values will help quiet your inner critic, increase happiness, and live a life that you’re proud of, even when you have to say no to people sometimes. 

Be clear and kind

Sometimes it seems nicer to try to soften the conversation by not saying no directly, and instead saying “Maybe” or “I’m not sure” when you really mean know. It’s absolutely okay to ask for more time to make a decision, but if you know the answer is no, it can be confusing and stress-provoking to say one thing and mean another. Being honest is kind, and being clear about what you mean can lead to fewer misunderstandings and hurt feelings. 

Start small

Being comfortable with saying no takes practice. You don’t have to start with saying no to something big or emotional - you can start smaller and build up to a big no over time. As you get more practice, you’ll feel more comfortable standing firm in your decisions and saying no when you need to. 

Do you have a hard time saying no? Working with a therapist can help you explore the reasons behind what’s going on and help you find ways to practice saying no in a judgment-free safe space. Send us a message today to get started!

4 Tips to Become a Better Listener

Everyone wants to feel listened to and understood by the people around them, but listening well can be easier said than done. Becoming a better listener is a powerful way to improve your relationships with others, whether it’s close friends and partners or even just people you know casually. 

Think about the last time you were talking to someone and you could tell they weren’t listening. Or back to a time when you were trying to communicate something but the other person wasn’t hearing you. You probably felt annoyed or upset, right? It can be hurtful to feel like you’re not being listened to. And on the other hand, you’ve probably had moments where you were only half listening to someone. 

No one is perfect all of the time! We all have moments where we’re distracted or we’re too emotional to think clearly, and those moments can get in the way of listening well. Learning how to become a better listener can improve your relationships by helping you feel more connected to others and communicate more effectively. 

Active listening is a strategy to improve your listening skills by making listening an engaged practice. Sometimes, even when we’re trying to listen, something will go in one ear and out the other, which can leave everyone in the conversation feeling frustrated. 

Listening can sometimes be seen as something passive, but that can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and poor communication. This is especially true in distracting settings or in heated conversations. When you listen actively, hearing what is said is the primary goal instead of just getting to the end of the conversation. 

If you’re looking to become a better listener, here are 4 tips to keep in mind: 

Listen to understand, not to respond

Sometimes in conversations it is tempting to think about what you’re going to say next. No one likes to feel judged or blamed, but difficult conversations can leave you feeling that way. Remember that everyone has their own perspective and feelings, even when things are hard to hear. Don’t think about what you’re going to say next, just listen to what the other person is saying without judging. 

Make sure you do your best to not interrupt the other person. It can be hard to listen without jumping in to defend yourself or share your point of view. It’s pretty natural to want to defend yourself, but it’s not helpful to interrupt someone when you’re trying to hear and understand what they’re saying. When you’re rushing to interrupt, you’re also tuning out what they’re saying to a degree as you formulate your response. Remember that you’re listening to understand, not to respond right now. 

Jumping in before the other person has finished speaking can make it harder for you to hear each other, which can sometimes lead to talking louder or raised voices. Remember that you will have your turn to speak and you can share your side when that comes. 

Validate the other person

Communicating is hard. Validation goes a long way when it comes to listening, because it shows the other person that you appreciate the effort they’re making to communicate with you. Telling them “I’m so glad that you shared that with me,” or “I really appreciate you being vulnerable right now,” helps to build trust. Even when a conversation is difficult, finding ways to validate each other can make it more likely that you’ll have more opportunities to keep communicating.

Stay engaged

It’s important to stay engaged in the conversation for the whole time. It can be helpful to make sure you’re understanding the other person correctly by summarizing what they have said. Some people find they can understand things best by relating it back to themselves or something that they’ve experienced, but sometimes that can come across as invalidating or insincere, even if that’s not how you mean it.

Another way to show that you’re engaged in the conversation is to have open body language. Nodding your head with what they’re saying or saying things like “That makes sense,” or “Mhmm” can also keep you focused on the conversation. 

Minimize distractions

When you’re listening to someone, do what you can to get rid of distractions that could draw your attention away from the conversation. It’s important to give the other person your full attention, so make sure to put your phone away, turn down the music, turn off the tv, or close your computer. 

Multitasking while talking to someone isn’t the best way to really hear and understand what they’re saying. Sometimes making eye contact can help you focus your attention and show the other person that you’re engaged and listening, but some people find eye contact uncomfortable, distracting, or distressing. Some folks find that stimming helps them focus more effectively, so if that works for you, go for it. 

Listening effectively is a skill, and it takes practice. Do you want to become a better listener and improve your communication skills? Working with a therapist can help you learn and practice new skills to help improve your relationships. Get in touch today to get started!

Healing through Relationships: Why the Therapeutic Relationship Matters

There’s a lot of mental health advice on the internet right now. 

Take this blog for example! Our blog is full of resources, thought exercises and tips meant to help support you in your journey to better mental health. But are the blogs themselves therapy? Are the social media posts describing different mindfulness exercises to try for your anxiety the same thing as therapy?

Short answer: nope!

Long answer: therapy is so much more than the tools you learn. Therapy is comprehensive mental health care, where the relationship between therapist and client is a crucial component to the treatment and healing process.

While there are lots of differences between the tools a therapist or therapy practice may provide online and the actual mental health services they offer, the part we’re going to focus on today is a part that is often overlooked: how the therapeutic relationship itself is crucial to healing. 

That’s part of why you can’t get the same experience reading a therapists blog as you would seeing that therapist in person–while they can provide you helpful tools to practice on your own, you’re missing the practice of showing up in relation to someone and writing new social scripts based on how they’re able to hold space for you. 

Okay….what does that all mean?

Let’s go back to our example from a few weeks ago about talking to your therapist about when they’ve hurt your feelings. 

The social script you’re working from might make telling someone they’ve hurt your feelings a scary, anxiety provoking conversation. Maybe you were yelled at as a child when you got upset or expressed your feelings. Maybe you’ve never been in a relationship where someone apologized after hurting your feelings. Or maybe you’ve never been in a relationship where you were safe to express that your feelings were hurt at all. 

In therapy, you get to practice showing up and telling someone they hurt your feelings.

While it’s not quite practice practice–you’re still communicating your real feelings and it was based out of a real situation, not just a theoretical scenario–you’re still given the assurance that you’re in a safe space where you won’t be punished for expressing how you’re feeling. That makes it an easier stepping stone to use to practice expressing those feelings because you have that safety net of knowing therapy is the space where you’re supposed to come in and discuss your feelings. 

This sort of relational healing is a crucial component to good therapy–and it doesn’t just come up in the moments where you need to manage conflict with your therapist!

You’re also engaging in relational healing in therapy when: 

• You express something you feel shame about and instead of responding with anger, repulsion, or what you fear they will respond with, your therapist responds with curiosity and compassion

• You come to therapy frustrated with how something is going, and you find support in collaborating with your therapist to figure out what to do next, rather than managing it all on your own 

These are two other simple and common examples of how the relationship between therapist and client is an essential part of the therapeutic process! That’s also why it’s so important to be sure you have a safe and trustworthy relationship with your therapist.

If you’re looking for support in the process of finding a therapist, contact us and we can help personally match you to a therapist based on your needs. 

3 Tips for Telling Your Therapist They Upset You

Telling someone that they’ve done something to hurt your feelings is never easy. 

It’s vulnerable–you’re exposing yourself as someone who isn’t infallible. It’s opening yourself up to the risk that the person you’re trying to communicate with will misunderstand you. And while sometimes this sort of communication is exactly what we’re working on in therapy, it can still happen that your therapist says something to upset you in session. 

Maybe they poke at an old wound, maybe they misunderstand something difficult you’re struggling to communicate, maybe they’re reactivating old dynamics that hurt you in the past. No matter how it comes about, it’s possible–and in fact normal–that at some point, your therapist will say something that upsets you, rubs you the wrong way, or just generally hurts your feelings.

But, isn’t therapy supposed to be a safe space?

Yes! But your idea of a safe space might be different than what that safe space actually needs to be. Feeling safe and being safe–while both important!–are two different things. Things that make us feel safe might not actually be things that keep us safe in every context. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, avoiding conflict may have literally kept you safe. Now however, in a different context, that avoidance can create more problems and be a hindrance to your emotional safety. 

A safe space isn’t a space where you will never face discomfort or conflict, it is a place that provides safety to you while you navigate those things. 

In that way, going through the experience of telling your therapist that they’ve hurt your feelings can be an extremely valuable tool in the healing process. Part of how therapy works is through relational healing–your therapist is someone who is there to hear you without judgment, who won’t be mad at you for expressing something unpleasant, and who will demonstrate healthy ways to navigate those moments with you, so you have a model for how it looks outside of therapy. 

Basically, therapy helps us to heal wounds we’ve gotten in other relationships by giving us a relationship where conflict is managed safely. 

So when you tell your therapist that something they’ve done has hurt your feelings, you’re giving yourself an opportunity to write a new script about what happens when you do that. When before it may have gotten you yelled at or berated, your therapist is there to listen to what you’re saying to them, to hear what you’re trying to communicate. When you do this more and more, you’re learning that conflict doesn’t just mean danger–it can also mean an opportunity for deeper understanding, stronger communication, and an emotionally safe relationship. 

That doesn’t mean it’s easy to do! We know it’s hard. If you’re trying to figure out how to let your therapist know they’ve said something that upset you, here are three tips: 

Acknowledge the difficulty of the situation: 

Starting the conversation is hard. But in therapy, you’re in a very unique position where the person you’re talking to you knows a lot about your emotional world, the history you have, and the general bravery it takes to be vulnerable in this way. It’s okay to start with “I’m struggling a lot with how to say this,” or “I’m nervous about bringing this up.” That’s actually helpful information for your therapist to have–they can help address the root of those fears as well as the specific issue you’re hoping to talk about. 

Tell them what you’re worried about: 

Are you worried they’ll be mad at you? That you’ll get kicked out of their office? That they’ll yell at you? Tell you your feelings don’t matter? There are so many reasons we avoid conflict, and they’re often informed by how we’ve experienced conflict in the past. It’s okay to call those fears out, right away. No matter how outlandish that fear may seem in comparison to the conflict, your therapist is there to hold space for those feelings, not judge them. And sometimes, just voicing what you’re afraid of lessens the feeling of fear!

Focus on the feelings it brought up in you: 

When someone says something that hurts our feelings, it’s often about something we’re a little sensitive about anyway. When your therapist says something that hurts your feelings, before you bring it up in session, reflect on what feelings that hurt brought up in you. Did it bring you back to a moment where you’d been hurt before? It’s okay if they seem totally unrelated–brains are funny little things and sometimes they latch onto moments that don’t make any sense to us. If you can let your therapist know not just what hurt your feelings, but how you experienced those hurt feelings, they can help address both the moment in your own relationship, and the history it brought up. 

Do you struggle to communicate when someone has hurt your feelings? We can help support you. Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians! 

Are Your Boundaries Too Firm?

We know boundaries are important. 

They help us protect our energy, whether it’s our physical energy, our social energy, or our mental & emotional energy. They make it clear to the people we’re in relationships what our limits are (and, if you’re in a close relationship, usually why you have that limit) so that we can continue to show up fully in the areas of our lives that we really need to. 

There are many different types of boundaries to explore, things like: 

• What limits we have on our professional availability

• What makes us feel safe and comfortable in our bodies and homes 

• What personal details we’re willing to share in various social situations 

• What we need to navigate conflict

• How involved we’re comfortable being in the problems/relationships of others

• Etc. 

Basically, when setting boundaries you need to figure out what your limits are. What can you give (whether it’s time, space, money, compassion, energy, etc.) to others without wearing yourself out, overly depleting your own energy, or taking on too much of an emotional, financial or other type of burden? 

There’s a lot of conversation around setting boundaries. How do you decide what they are? How do you communicate them? How do you manage family boundaries? How can you reaffirm your boundaries?

But boundaries, like most things, require nuance. Think of them less like a fence surrounding and protecting you, and more like pillars holding up a structure.

They are crucial to the stability of your relationship, but they leave space open for others to come in. And when a boundary is violated, it is less like the fence surrounding you has been smashed, leaving you completely vulnerable, and more like one of the pillars holding up the structure of your relationship has been damaged. The entire thing doesn’t have to come crumbling down if you can work to repair what was hurt. 

When we’re too firm in our boundaries, we build the fence instead of those pillars–we don’t leave space for anyone else in the relationship. Someone may be granted entry behind the gates, but there is little room to move or grow once inside. 

Being too firm with our boundaries is tempting, and very easy to do.

It can help us stay somewhere we feel safe, knowing there will be no surprises, nothing uncomfortable, and nothing difficult to navigate. Unfortunately, when we live like that, we deny ourselves the opportunity to grow, and to realize we’re actually stronger than we think! If we don’t give ourselves a chance to work through something tough, we’ll never know we can, and we’ll always feel trapped by it. 

Boundaries that are too firm also prevent us from being able to really exist in intimate or close relationships. It’s important that when you set boundaries you’re not actually giving someone a demand or a set of rules for how to interact with you. Boundaries don’t tell others how to behave around you, they let others know what you need to feel safe. Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to honor those boundaries. That means, if someone is doing something that you’re uncomfortable with, you can: 

• Have a conversation with them to explain why you’re uncomfortable, offer a solution to make you both feel better, and give them space to respond

• Remove yourself from the situation

Sometimes it’s easy to say that our boundaries are “don’t do X around me” but we can’t control anyone’s behavior but our own. When we reframe our boundaries as our own responsibility, it gives space for others to show up fully and get to know us with intention. 

Remember, your boundaries are a tool to help you feel safe with others, because feeling safe with others allows honesty and intimacy to flourish. If you need support setting and communicating your boundaries, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

4 Ways to Practice Accountability in Your Relationships

4 Ways to Practice Accountability in Your Relationships

If you’ve seen the show Ted Lasso you may remember a scene where two of the main characters, Rebecca and Keely, are talking about accountability in relationships. If you’re not familiar, the context of the scene is that Rebecca is the boss of Keely’s boyfriend, Jamie, and knows that Jamie has invited a second plus one to a charity event. She kindly warns Keely of this, and encourages her to consider the importance of having a partner who can be accountable for the way they behave and the way they treat you. 

Accountability isn’t always the first quality we think of when it comes to good relationships, but it’s actually very important for establishing trust, safety, and intimacy. It’s less obvious than, say, a good sense of humor, but accountability is a crucial piece of the healthy relationship puzzle. 

What does it mean to be accountable? 

Merriam-Webster defines accountability as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.”

Why is accountability important in relationships?

Accountability is important for every type of relationship, including families, friends, and coworkers. It’s especially important in romantic relationships because of the level of trust that emotional intimacy requires. 

When you’re close with someone, there’s a level of vulnerability. The people we are close to have the power to bring a lot of love and positivity into our lives, but they also have the power to hurt us more deeply than acquaintances or strangers. If you’re not sure you can trust the other person to be honest with you, admit when they’re wrong, and take steps to repair the relationship when necessary, it’s harder to feel close to them.

Accountability also has an impact on self-esteem. When you know that you can count on yourself to accept responsibility for the things you do and say, it feels good. It doesn’t always feel good to admit you’re wrong or that there’s something you can work on. It does feel good to keep promises to yourself, though, and following through on things that are important to you is one way to do that.

How can I practice accountability in relationships?

We all have things we can work on to improve our relationships both with ourselves and with others. If you’re looking for ways to practice accountability in your relationships, here are 4 things to try:

Be okay with making mistakes

Making mistakes is a part of life. No one in human history has ever done everything 100% “right” - partially because what is right is subjective. We have different values and priorities, and so what is right for one person might not be right for another. We can’t read minds, so it is impossible to know how other people will react or what will be painful for them sometimes. If you’re alive, you’re going to make mistakes, and that’s just the way it is. 

Instead of trying to fight against that idea, try to become more comfortable with the idea of making mistakes. It’s okay! Accepting that mistakes are part of life frees up your mind to do other things instead of feeling shame for being human. 

Don’t give in to shame

It’s harder to admit you’ve done something wrong when you feel shame about it, because shame is uncomfortable. No one likes to feel ashamed - it’s painful, even though it’s something we all deal with. Shame is distracting though, and it keeps us from doing the real work of being accountable and moving forward. 

Some people are so stuck in shame that they can’t admit they’ve done something wrong or hurt someone. While it’s not easy to work through shame, it’s even harder to be consumed by it. Cut yourself some slack.

Prioritize honesty

Accountability requires honesty. To be truly accountable, it’s important to be completely honest and own up to what you did fully, without cleaning up some of the details to make yourself come across better or more sympathetic. No one likes to be lied to. Dishonesty destroys trust, which is very difficult to rebuild.

Remember, it’s okay to be human. You’re not perfect, and no one should expect you to be. Do your best to be honest with the people you care about, even if it brings up feelings of shame. Feelings don’t last forever, and shame won’t either. 

Pause before reacting

It takes time to learn how to do this, but learning how to pause before reacting to situations can make a huge difference. When we react, we often are acting without thinking things all the way through, which can make things worse. Taking a minute to pause between what’s going on and how you respond gives you a chance to tap into your rational self instead of just reacting with your emotional self. 

When you learn how to lengthen the space between what’s happening and the way you respond, you give yourself a chance to act in a way that aligns with your values and goals instead of working against them. 

Are you looking for more support to improve the important relationships in your life? Working with a therapist can help you learn new skills that can benefit relationships of all kinds - from friends and family to romantic partners. Get in touch today to get started!

5 Ways to Deal With Being Ghosted

Have you ever been ghosted? 

If you have, you know that it’s a uniquely painful experience. Ghosting is when someone you are in a relationship with disappears from your usual methods of contact suddenly. We hear a lot about ghosting in a dating context, because it’s become more and more popular in the era of dating apps, but friendships can end with ghosting too. It tends to happen in newer relationships, but it can also happen in more established ones. The aftermath of being ghosted can be a lot to deal with. 

Ghosting is painful for a lot of reasons. It’s hard to go from having some type of relationship with someone to silence with no warning or word as to why. It can be a big hit to your self-esteem to suddenly lose a relationship. It’s upsetting to think that you cared about someone more than they cared about you. Ghosting can also trigger abandonment trauma or fears of rejection. You might worry that no one will ever stick around in the future. 

Many of us have negative beliefs about ourselves, whether we realize it or not. There’s even a name for that critical voice in your head that reinforces those mean thoughts: the inner critic. This inner critic might tell you that you’re not loveable or not good enough. Being ghosted can reinforce those beliefs, even though they’re false. 

Ghosting is also painful because it removes any sense of closure. You might always wonder what actually happened or what would have happened if things went differently. While any relationship ending is painful, in most breakup situations, it’s clear to both sides what is going on. Ghosting removes that, so one person is left completely in the dark. 

Why do people ghost?

People’s reasons for ghosting may vary. Some people use it as a method of conflict avoidance, or out of fear. They may be afraid to have a serious conversation, afraid of the other person’s reaction, or even afraid of the unknown. Some people ghost out of a sense of self-preservation when a relationship is struggling. While it’s much better to be honest and communicate, some people might feel like going no contact is their only option. 

When people feel uncomfortable feelings, they can react in a number of ways. One way that some people react to uncomfortable emotions is by ghosting. This doesn’t excuse it, but it might give you some insight as to what is going on. 

Being ghosted feels terrible, no matter how it happens. If it’s happened to you, here are 5 ways to cope: 

Give yourself compassion

It can feel embarrassing to be ghosted, or you might feel like you did something wrong. Remember that you always deserve to be treated with respect, and give yourself lots of compassion. How would you talk to a friend in your situation? You’d probably remind them of how amazing they are, how much they have to offer, and how messed up it is that someone would treat them this way. Even if you have to pretend your friend is saying it to you, send that message of love, acceptance, and compassion to yourself. 

Don’t blame yourself

Ghosting isn’t about you. Being rejected this way feels intensely personal, but it’s often more about the person doing the ghosting and how they deal with things. You deserve to be treated with respect, and ghosting is as disrespectful as it gets. Even though it might be hard to wrap your head around it at first, anyone who deals with things by ghosting isn’t worth your time and energy anyway. 

Expose shame

Shame is really tricky to deal with. It often feels impossible to talk about, so it can be isolating. Ghosting in particular can cause shame. It feels bad to be rejected, and to make sense of it your brain might tell you that you did something to cause it. Remember though, that it’s not about you. Shame becomes less powerful when it’s shared, though. We all have things that trigger shame. Sharing about your shame with someone who is close to you can help you see how mean you’re being to yourself. 

Check your negative thoughts 

When you find yourself having distressing negative thoughts about yourself, try to check them. Are these thoughts facts, or are you dealing with cognitive distortions? Is this something that is true, or is this a story you have told yourself? Cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that aren’t true, but that we grow to believe. When you notice them popping up, do what you can to challenge those thoughts.

Don’t reach out

Even though you wish things had gone differently, the person who ghosted you has made it clear that they aren’t interested in talking. It can feel tempting to try to look for them elsewhere on the internet, but try to resist that urge. Instead of dwelling on the person who ghosted, do your best to shift your thoughts away from them. This is where a mindfulness practice can come in handy. Mindfulness will help you practice noticing your thoughts and shifting your awareness. 

Being ghosted is painful. If you’re dealing with the aftermath of ghosting, talking with a therapist can help you work through the distress you’re feeling and find ways to cope that are specific to your needs. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

6 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations with Your Partner

Every relationship has ups and downs.

No lasting relationship exists without conflict, so knowing how to address it in a healthy way is crucial for a healthy, lasting relationship. It requires a deep vulnerability and a commitment to be honest, which can be very scary! The more vulnerable and honest we are, the more we feel others have the power to hurt us, even unintentionally. And it can be hard to go to your partner and tell them you’re unhappy about something in your relationship. 

But the truth is, if you didn’t care about the relationship, you wouldn't say anything at all! You would probably just go your own way, and the relationship would be over. It shows how important a relationship is when you’re willing to take that risk to be vulnerable in an attempt to be seen and understood–and hopefully it will allow you and your partner to grow closer.

However, we know that it does feel scary to broach a difficult conversation with a partner.

So to help you, we’ve put together 6 tips for having difficult conversations with your partner: 

Remember your partner is human: 

Even if they have done something that upset you, it’s likely their intention was not to cause you any harm. Remind yourself of a time when you let someone down without intending to, and consider how you wish they had engaged with you. This doesn’t mean to excuse behavior that is a problem, just to go into the conversation with the assumption your partner didn’t mean to hurt you, that they want to learn to be the best partner they can be, but that they will sometimes mess up. 

Understand your own feelings first: 

Take a moment to make sure you understand why you’re upset. Are you upset because your partner is on their phone anytime you watch TV together, or are you upset because it feels like there is very little time where the two of you feel present together? When you figure out what it is you’re actually having an emotional response to, you can communicate your needs much more clearly. And it helps to make sure you’re having a conversation about what actually matters–in this case, it’s not so much about phone usage, but feeling disconnected from one another. So the solution might be to put your phone away at certain times, but it might be something different. Focus on the root of the issue, not just the incident that felt like the tipping point. 

Understand your intention with the conversation: 

What is it you want to happen when you open up to your partner like this? Are you looking for them to just hear your feelings, or do you want them to help “solve” the problem? Sometimes, things are small one-time occurrences, and we might feel that all we need to do is point out what upset us and trust our partner to hear us. But sometimes, the issue is larger or more ongoing. In that case, if your intention is problem solving, remember that you and your partner are a team, and it’s the pair of you vs the problem, not you vs them. 

Be intentional about when you talk: 

When you need to have a serious conversation, you don’t want to feel like you’re just barely squeezing it in. You also don’t want you or your partner to be distracted or pulled away while in the middle of the conversation. So find a time that you are both free to sit and talk for a long time, so you can really focus on one another and not feel rushed or like you weren’t able to really get into it. 

Commit to understanding their side: 

Just as you want them to hear and understand you, give them space to talk so you can do the same. And don’t just listen to respond–really sit and actively listen. What are they saying? What are they hoping you’ll understand? Was this something you knew before? 

Fight fair:

Don’t bring up little annoyances you’ve let slide under the rug. Don’t dredge up an old argument to help “prove your point.” If you feel things getting too heated, suggest a break so that you can both take time to cool off and come back when you’re ready to hear one another.  

If you need some extra support in having difficult conversations with your partner, we can help. Contact us today!