5 Tips to Connect with Your Child Using Love Languages

Have you ever heard of Love Languages?

The idea was developed by Gary Chapman in response to several unhappy marriages (including his own) within his church’s congregation. Chapman’s five love languages include words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service, and the idea is that each person has one love language that means more to them when it comes to expressing and receiving affection. 

While love languages aren’t an exact science–it’s perfectly common for people to feel that multiple love languages resonate with them–they are a useful tool in remembering the intention that has to inform our most significant relationships. It can also help give some perspective when we feel people in our life are not valuing us or showing affection–perhaps they express love in a way different to yours, and they have been doing their best to show it consistently. 

In parenting, the idea of love languages can also be helpful in finding meaningful ways to connect with your child. 

By noticing how your child likes to express their affection toward friends, family, pets, and other loved ones, you can find meaningful ways to make sure your child feels seen and loved, which is crucial for them to develop a secure attachment style. Here are some ways you can tell which “love language” styles are the most meaningful & comforting for your child: 

Words of Affirmation: 

How it shows up in them: 

• Beaming when you tell them they’ve done a good job

• Giving lots of compliments to friends/family/loved ones  

• Repeating praise given to them over and over 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Put a note in their coat pocket/backpack/lunchbox 

• Tell them how much you love them at bed time/when you wake them up

• Tell them how much you missed them when greeting them 

• When they’ve done poorly/get a bad grade/etc, tell them how proud you are of them for trying 

Physical touch: 

How it shows up in them: 

• Greeting you with a hug

• Frequently asking to cuddle 

• Wanting to high five 

• Holding your hand/arm/leg/etc.

• Playing with your hair when sitting next to you

• Staying very close in your space 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Greet them with a hug! 

• Play with their hair 

• Ask them to snuggle up with you 

• Lay down next to them at the start of nap/bedtime 

• Rub their back when they’re upset

• Games like “this little piggy”, twister, piggyback rides 

• Make up a handshake with them

Receiving gifts: 

How it shows up in them: 

• Often making crafts, drawings, cards, etc. for others 

• Difficulty throwing away things given to them by others 

• Wanting to pick out “something special” for others or surprise them with a treat 

• Getting excited when you give them 

• Giving you handmade items 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Add a treat in their lunchbox now and then

• Have them help you pick gifts out for siblings/loved ones/etc

• Send them something in the mail 

• Give them something handmade 

• Tailor their gifts to their interests 

Quality time: 

How it shows up in them: 

• “Hey, watch this!”

• “Come here, I want to show you something!” 

• Wanting a friend to ride home on their bus 

• Wanting to go with you when you leave the house

• Always asking “what are you doing?” 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Bringing your child with you while you run errands

• Set aside time to play with them however they want 

• Journal together 

• Stop what you’re doing to talk to them when they get home 

• Read to/with them 

Acts of Service: 

How it shows up in them: 

• Asking you to tie their shoes

• Trying to help when you’re doing chores 

• Leaving water for the mailman when it’s hot 

• Helping their friend during a game 

• Helping a classmate with schoolwork 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Carrying them to bed/tucking them in

• Waking them up in the morning with breakfast 

• Brushing/doing their hair 

• Checking out library books for them

• Sitting down with them while they do homework

• Making their favorite meal

• Helping them practice for a sports game/music recital/etc.

Of course, a good mix of all of these love languages is best for your child’s relationship with you and developing secure attachment within relationships. Instead of picking one language with which to express your love to your child, pepper in their less used languages as well. And be sure to recognize when they are using these different methods to show love to you, and let them know it’s been lovingly received.

Are you looking for more support with parenting? Working with a therapist on parenting concerns can help you find more ways to cope and build your confidence as a parent. Get in touch with our office today to get started.