What Parents Should Know About Teen Depression: A Compassionate Guide for Supporting Your Teen

Knowing that your teen is depressed can be scary as a parent. 

It can feel like it goes against everything you labor for as a parent to see them struggle to get out of bed, or lose interest in their hobbies, or pull away from their friends. You’re watching them lose sleep, watching their grades drop, and you want to help but you don’t know how. 

It’s a hard place to be, and the first thing to know is that you’re not alone. This is something lots of other parents have to manage, and while it can feel overwhelming, there are things you can do to help. Try to remind yourself that depression is treatable, so your teen won’t have to feel trapped in these feelings forever. 

First, how do you know when it’s time to be concerned?

Sometimes, regular parts of being a teenager can be difficult for parents because it’s such a drastic change from what they’re used to. Teens pulling away, sharing less of their interests with their parents, and spending more time privately is not uncommon for most teens. Their gaining more independence and developing a stronger sense of self, so they don’t need their parents in the same way they did as a small child.

So how do you know when they’re pulling away from you to explore their independence, and when they’re pulling away from everything because they’re depressed?

Unpredictable moods that seem to emotionally impact them as well: 

It’s easy to feel like teens are having mood swings when they get annoyed with us as parents, but feeling annoyed with their parents now and again isn’t itself a sign of concern. If your teen seems to be overwhelmed by their own feelings, like they can’t control them and it’s creating distress for them, that’s a sign for concern.  

Changes in sleep:

It’s normal for teens to need a lot of sleep, so sleeping in a lot probably isn’t a sign of concern–especially considering how early teens have to wake up for school, and how much mental and physical energy is taken up by school and extracurriculars, it makes sense they’re making the most of their weekends as time to sleep in. But have their sleep patterns changed dramatically? Are they having trouble getting to sleep, or staying asleep? Are they more than tired–do they seem groggy or fatigued even hours after they’ve woken up? Do they seem tired all the time, but are also unable to sleep? Fatigue and sleep difficulty can be symptoms of something larger. 

Drop in academic performance: 

While it may not necessarily indicate that your teen is depressed, if they’ve typically had a steady academic performance and are suddenly struggling or their grades are high one day and low the next, that indicates that something is preventing them from being able to function at their typical level. Are they struggling with a teacher or a subject? Is something happening at school that’s making them unable to focus on their schoolwork? Whether it’s because they’re struggling with feelings of depression, or another reason, unpredictable changes in academic performance can signal they need support somewhere. 

How to help: 

Remember, while what you’re going through is frightening and difficult, so is what your teen is going through. They might be confused and overwhelmed, and even feel hopeless. They may not know how to explain what’s happening to them, and it might be hard for them to admit that they need help. Your teen might be thinking things like “I have no reason to feel this way,” or “my parents are going to be so upset with me for all the schoolwork I’ve missed,” or “no one else is struggling like this, I’m such a failure.”

Internalizing these feelings of shame and fear can make it hard for them to reach out, which is why they may not ask you for help directly. That’s why it’s important for parents to be proactive in noticing these signs and offering support in ways that feel safe and affirming for their teen. Here are some gentle methods to supporting your teen through this: 

When you start to talk about what they’re going through, keep the conversation focused on their experience: 

Instead of making the conversation about how much you’re worried about them, let them know you’ve noticed they haven’t been themselves lately. Let them know you want to be there to help them feel safe and supported as they figure out what they need to get back to a place they feel good in. Make space to listen to them and what they’re experiencing, and let them know that while all the burdens they’re shouldering right now are hard, there are ways to get treatment so they won’t feel that weight forever. 

It may feel challenging to support your teen when you feel frustrated and afraid for the way their depression has been affecting them. However, your support is invaluable. Try not to be judgmental or critical, but to remain calm and compassionate.

Remember you’re there to support their needs, not fix their problems: 

It may feel passive to listen and support. As a parent, you can see what they need to do and all you may want to do is problem solve and resolve their issues for them. It is natural to feel this way. However, increasing your control over their behavior and problem solving for them can come across as judgmental, controlling, or invalidating. Your teen will need to learn how to manage their feelings and problem solve on their own. Your guidance, relationship, and support are essential during this time.

Acknowledge when they do something supportive for themselves, not just what you’re concerned about: 

Depression can result from a lack of positive experience in the environment. With the pressures of high school and college admissions, this can particularly be the case. Try to notice when your teen is engaging in healthy, positive behaviors such as spending time with friends, or going on a walk to relax and unwind. Spend quality time with them and encourage them to engage in activities that will improve their activity and functioning, such as taking a run, walking the dog, spending time with friends, engaging in a hobby. 

Encourage these opportunities without criticism or judgment. It’s understandable that your teen may be doing less of these activities, as that is a sign of depression. Gently let them know you understand, validating their feelings, while encouraging them to continue engaging in life’s activities.

Getting Your Teen the Help They Need

Try to learn more about the signs and symptoms of depression. Speak with other parents and connect with resources available to you. This can help with understanding how best to support your teen, particularly if you have not experienced depression yourself. Some helpful resources include:

• Child Mind Institute - Childhood and Teen Depression

• Parent’s Guide to Teen Depression

• Mayo Clinic - Teen Depression

• Trevor Project: a crisis intervention service for LGBTQIA+ youth.

Therapy can be a great source of support and treatment for depression. In therapy, your teen will have a safe place where they can work through their feelings and learn skills that have been found helpful and effective in managing depression. Many studies in particular, have found cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) for the treatment of depression. The journey may be difficult, but with love and care, your teen can find their way back to a steadier, happier self.

Our team of therapists at Hope+Wellness can help your teen navigate life with depression, and support them as they find ways to thrive. Whether you’d prefer a virtual appointment or to come into one of our offices in Northern Virginia or D.C., our clinicians have experience supporting college students during this time of change and growth. Contact us today to get started. 

5 Tips to Connect with Your Child Using Love Languages

Have you ever heard of Love Languages?

The idea was developed by Gary Chapman in response to several unhappy marriages (including his own) within his church’s congregation. Chapman’s five love languages include words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service, and the idea is that each person has one love language that means more to them when it comes to expressing and receiving affection. 

While love languages aren’t an exact science–it’s perfectly common for people to feel that multiple love languages resonate with them–they are a useful tool in remembering the intention that has to inform our most significant relationships. It can also help give some perspective when we feel people in our life are not valuing us or showing affection–perhaps they express love in a way different to yours, and they have been doing their best to show it consistently. 

In parenting, the idea of love languages can also be helpful in finding meaningful ways to connect with your child. 

By noticing how your child likes to express their affection toward friends, family, pets, and other loved ones, you can find meaningful ways to make sure your child feels seen and loved, which is crucial for them to develop a secure attachment style. Here are some ways you can tell which “love language” styles are the most meaningful & comforting for your child: 

Words of Affirmation: 

How it shows up in them: 

• Beaming when you tell them they’ve done a good job

• Giving lots of compliments to friends/family/loved ones  

• Repeating praise given to them over and over 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Put a note in their coat pocket/backpack/lunchbox 

• Tell them how much you love them at bed time/when you wake them up

• Tell them how much you missed them when greeting them 

• When they’ve done poorly/get a bad grade/etc, tell them how proud you are of them for trying 

Physical touch: 

How it shows up in them: 

• Greeting you with a hug

• Frequently asking to cuddle 

• Wanting to high five 

• Holding your hand/arm/leg/etc.

• Playing with your hair when sitting next to you

• Staying very close in your space 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Greet them with a hug! 

• Play with their hair 

• Ask them to snuggle up with you 

• Lay down next to them at the start of nap/bedtime 

• Rub their back when they’re upset

• Games like “this little piggy”, twister, piggyback rides 

• Make up a handshake with them

Receiving gifts: 

How it shows up in them: 

• Often making crafts, drawings, cards, etc. for others 

• Difficulty throwing away things given to them by others 

• Wanting to pick out “something special” for others or surprise them with a treat 

• Getting excited when you give them 

• Giving you handmade items 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Add a treat in their lunchbox now and then

• Have them help you pick gifts out for siblings/loved ones/etc

• Send them something in the mail 

• Give them something handmade 

• Tailor their gifts to their interests 

Quality time: 

How it shows up in them: 

• “Hey, watch this!”

• “Come here, I want to show you something!” 

• Wanting a friend to ride home on their bus 

• Wanting to go with you when you leave the house

• Always asking “what are you doing?” 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Bringing your child with you while you run errands

• Set aside time to play with them however they want 

• Journal together 

• Stop what you’re doing to talk to them when they get home 

• Read to/with them 

Acts of Service: 

How it shows up in them: 

• Asking you to tie their shoes

• Trying to help when you’re doing chores 

• Leaving water for the mailman when it’s hot 

• Helping their friend during a game 

• Helping a classmate with schoolwork 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Carrying them to bed/tucking them in

• Waking them up in the morning with breakfast 

• Brushing/doing their hair 

• Checking out library books for them

• Sitting down with them while they do homework

• Making their favorite meal

• Helping them practice for a sports game/music recital/etc.

Of course, a good mix of all of these love languages is best for your child’s relationship with you and developing secure attachment within relationships. Instead of picking one language with which to express your love to your child, pepper in their less used languages as well. And be sure to recognize when they are using these different methods to show love to you, and let them know it’s been lovingly received.

Are you looking for more support with parenting? Working with a therapist on parenting concerns can help you find more ways to cope and build your confidence as a parent. Get in touch with our office today to get started.

9 Blogs to Help You Navigate Difficult Parenting Moments

Being a parent is a hard job, and unfortunately it doesn’t come with an instruction manual. 

For most of us, what we learn about parenting is what we observed from our own families, and maybe some professionally recommended books here and there. But there are so many parts of parenthood that we may not even realize what we need to know until we need to know it.

We know how hard it is to be a parent, and how isolating it can feel to need help but not know where to go for it. As a jumping off point, we’ve gathered all of the parenting resources from our blog to date, and put them together here for you, as a mini parenting resource toolkit. 

To support your child’s wellbeing:

Anxiety is a common feeling that we all experience from time to time. However, sometimes that feeling starts to overwhelm and interfere with our daily lives–that’s when it becomes an issue we need support managing. Navigating this with your child or teen is hard! You may not be sure if their behavior is “normal” levels of anxiety, or if they’re showing you that they need help.

Sometimes when anxious, children may begin to avoid certain triggering situations and events, such as peers, teachers, or school itself. The avoidance then serves to maintain the anxiety and to worsen it over time. As a parent, how can you help your child break free of anxiety, out of their mind and into their life? If you’re looking to help your child or teen manage their anxiety in a healthy, productive way, check out: 

• 24 Resources for Children and Teens with Anxiety and Their Families

• What parents of anxious children should know about anxiety

• What to Teach Your Child About Worry

Similar to anxiety, it can be hard to identify the difference common child and teen behavior, mood changes, and depression that needs treatment. And when you’ve recognized that your child or teen does need help, it may be hard to know where to go. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, wanting to support them but not quite sure how. For this, we’ve organized 26 different resources for parents whose children are struggling with depression: 

• 26 Depression Resources for Kids, Teens, and Parents

Parenting a child with chronic pain is challenging. Not only is it difficult to see your child in pain, but parents often feel helpless, stuck, and unsure of what to do to help ease the pain and mitigate its impacts on their child’s life and daily functioning. For instance, children with chronic pain often begin to miss school, become socially isolated, and feel increasingly depressed and anxious over time. So how can parents help support their children get back to life and functioning even in the face of pain? Start here:

• 3 Tips for Parenting a Child with Chronic Pain

To support your own wellbeing:

Dealing with parenting stress and anxiety is necessary for so many parents, but many don’t have the resources or the time to make changes to cope. It’s not right that parents are spread so thin, and there should be more protections for parents and families coming from our government–and there are a lot of people out there working toward just that. As change comes slowly, parents feel forced to do it all, often not knowing how to rely on their communities to fill in the gaps, which leaves them stuck with bandaid solutions to help lower stress levels–so they can get up again and do it the next day. If you’re struggling with parenting stress and anxiety, we’ve mapped out a few coping skills to help you not feel so drained: 

• 7 Tips for Coping with Parenting Stress

Parenting can already feel like driving somewhere new without a map–when you add in managing chronic pain on top of that, it can be hard to find resources that speak to your experience. The trouble is, when we feel isolated, asking for help becomes harder, when it’s often the very thing we need to do. Working with a therapist can help you manage the potential isolation and grief that comes along with having a chronic illness, and work with you as you gain confidence asking for help and leaning on your support network. Here are some tips for how to manage your role as parent while being realistic about how chronic pain impacts your life: 

• Parenting with Chronic Pain

One of the seven tips to help with parenting stress is to rely on your community. We need community to survive so many things, and parenting is no different. It’s increasingly hard to raise a family without help from your community, whether that be family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, or someone else. But how do you go about cultivating that community? Here are a few tips to start: 

• Cultivating Strong Community Ties for Better Mental Health

To support the wellbeing of your parent/child relationship: 

Effective communication is harder than we may think it is! It’s not how we typically learn to listen and communicate. In fact, most of us usually listen in order to respond instead of in order to really hear what the other person is saying. And while it is not usually intended to be harmful or malicious, it can cause misunderstandings, miscommunication, and feelings of being ignored, or resentment. This is especially harmful in conversation with teenagers who rely on you to be a safe space for support! Here’s a guide on what effective communication with teenagers looks like, and tips on how to cultivate it: 

• 3 Tips for More Effective Communication with Your Teen

Are you looking for more support with parenting? Working with a therapist on parenting concerns can help you find more ways to cope and build your confidence as a parent. Get in touch with our office today to get started.

Parenting with Chronic Pain

Living with chronic pain is challenging–and parenting with chronic pain is a challenge that feels like it comes with little support. 

Parenting can already feel like driving somewhere new without a map–when you add in managing chronic pain on top of that, it can be hard to find resources that speak to your experience. There are a lot of limitations that come with experiencing chronic pain that just aren’t factored in with typical parenting advice. This can make parenting–where your whole world is about your child, and you already feel a little removed from your “adult” social circles–feel even more isolating. 

The trouble is, when we feel isolated, asking for help becomes harder, when it’s often the very thing we need to do. Working with a therapist can help you manage the potential isolation and grief that comes along with having a chronic illness, and work with you as you gain confidence asking for help and leaning on your support network. 

In the meantime, here are 5 tips to help you show up as a parent with chronic pain: 

Set expectations with your child: 

In order to set reasonable expectations with your child, you need to be openly communicative, and come from a place of compassion. Remember, everything you just know is something they still need to learn, and probably learn more than once! Especially when it comes to your body and its limitations; unless they experience chronic pain themselves, kids tend not to be as bogged down by pain or fatigue as adults, so they don’t have personal experience to draw from when trying to understand.  Be clear about what type of pain you have, what you need to do or avoid to manage that pain, and when the pain is preventing you from participating in their play or activities, let them know what’s happening for you

Practice open and vulnerable communication: 

If you can practice open and vulnerable communication with your child you can set expectations with them about what your body can handle, and make space for their feelings. 

Remember, even if they know what you’re going through, they still may have hurt feelings about it. Let them know it’s okay when they’re feelings are hurt and assure them you’re not upset with them, punishing them, and that you wish you could be there how they wanted to. 

Normalize accepting help: 

While remembering that your role as parent is naturally going to make this exchange uneven, it can be beneficial for your child to practice offering and having their assistance accepted. Be sure not to slip into the habit of treating them as your caregiver, but if you let your child know what you’re struggling with and they offer some help (getting you a glass of water, finding the pain relievers you need, etc.) instead of saying no or that you can do it yourself, offer gratitude and accept the help! These small exchanges can help reach your child that asking for help can strengthen relationships, not weaken them, and that offering help–even in small ways–can provide support for loved ones. 

Tap into your support system: 

When you have low energy or high pain days, are their friends or family you can reach out to for support? Plenty of people in your community want an active role in your child’s life, and having secure intergenerational relationships with adults who aren’t their parents is good for kids! On days when you’re struggling, instead of feeling guilty each time you have to tell your kids you can’t play because you’re in too much pain, see if a loved one can take them for part of the day. Let them know you’re going to rest up while they’re gone and hope to feel a bit better so you can hear all about their day–and then an auntie or uncle can take them to a museum or a movie or a park or just spend time with them at their house. Normalizing this within your community of parents is also great, because it strengthens everyone’s confidence in asking for and offering help! 

Try to plan ahead for big events: 

If your child has their first school play, you want to be there! While flare ups are not always avoidable, there are often some things that can trigger or exacerbate them, and some things that are more effective than others in reducing and managing flare ups. Try to be extra conscious of these things around big events for your child, that way you can minimize the risk of flare ups happening unexpectedly when they want you to show up for them. 

If you would like more support in coping with chronic illness or parenting with chronic pain, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help. Reach out today to make an appointment! 

What parents of anxious children should know about anxiety

What is anxiety?

Feeling anxious is a completely normal part of life. When big events or school projects or new social experiences are coming up, it’s natural for your child to feel some degree of anxiety. However, just as in adult, anxiety in children can also become overwhelming. When this anxiety tips over from being a manageable emotion to being a major obstacle in their everyday life, that’s when your child may be struggling to manage an anxiety disorder. 

In general, there are three types of anxiety that are the most common in children. These are: 

1. Generalized Anxiety: when the child experiences pervasive anxiety or distress at everyday occurrences, most often regarding school or sports in children. Typically categorized by “undue distress about a variety of everyday things beyond the scope of more specific anxieties and phobias” (Child Mind Institute)

2. Separation Anxiety: when the child is anxious at the prospect of being separated from someone of significance. (A parent, a sibling, a close friend, a pet, etc.) This type of anxiety is very common in toddlers, but can also appear in school age & adolescent children. 

3. Social Anxiety: when the child is anxious, worried, nervous, etc. in any sort of social situation. This can include playdates, school activities, sports, clubs, etc. There is often an underlying self-consciousness, a fear of being judged, disliked, or embarrassed. 

4. Specific, Severe Phobias: this is when the child has a severe fear of something irrational. They might be afraid of thunder, which could cause them to work themselves into nervousness or an anxiety attack if the sky turns dark or it starts to rain. 

How does it show up in kids?

If you believe your child is struggling with anxiety, there are some key physical, emotional & behavioral symptoms to look out for. Physical symptoms include: 

• Frequent  physical aches: if your child is often getting headaches or stomach aches, it may be a physical manifestation of anxiety. Pay attention to any patterns you can identify when your child starts to complain of these aches. 

• Trouble eating: does your child feel sick or nauseated when it comes time to eat somewhere unfamiliar? Being uncomfortable eating anywhere other than the home is a sign of anxiety that can often spiral into physical sickness when the time to eat at school (or a friend’s house, or a club, etc.) comes along. 

•  Trouble using the bathroom: as with eating, if your child has difficulty using the bathroom anywhere new or outside of your home, that may be a symptom of anxiety. 

• Difficulty sleeping: just as in adults, anxiety can impair a child’s ability to fall asleep, sleep restfully, or stay asleep. 

Emotional & Behavioral symptoms of anxiety in children include: 

• Intense, heightened emotional reactivity: Anxiety is a difficult feeling to process and understand, especially as a child. Instead, they may be more inclined to react with other extreme emotions. If your child seems as though they are crying more than usual, is extremely sensitive, becomes irritable easily, etc. it is likely an emotional manifestation of their anxiety. 

• Continued worry over everyday activities: does your child seem worried or panicked about things you or they do all the time? Are they worried about being dropped off at school? Do they fret about getting out of the car in the right spot, finding the right door to walk through, etc.? These fixated worries are probably a sign of anxiety. 

• Isolation: does your child remove themselves from social situations, even ones you think they may enjoy? Do they participate in class or sports or clubs? Do they try anything to get out of going to school? Do they dread birthday parties, etc.?

• Need for approval: while there is an inherent desire for approval in almost all of us, anxious kids struggle much more with this need. They find themselves looking for approval or permission for everything they do.

• Look out for: the phrase “will you do it for me?” When kids are overwhelmed by anxiety, they can often want their parents to take over. Even if it something you know they are capable of doing on their own, if they are experiencing anxiety, this phrase is likely to crop up. 

What challenges will this create for them?

The ways in which anxiety manifests in children makes it difficult for them socially, academically & developmentally. At this age, learning to form new relationships is crucial, and the foundations of learning and personal development are taking place. 

When children are too anxious to take part in social or school activities, they miss out on critical experiences like: making friends, learning social rules, developing problem solving skills, etc.  

How can you help?

Hope isn’t lost though! There is plenty that can be done to help your child manage their anxiety and thrive, with healthy coping skills. Here are five ways you can help your child learn about & manage their anxiety: 

1. Give it a name: when your child is feeling anxious, have them draw a picture of what that anxiety feels like. Have them give it a face, a body, a name. This can help you teach them that their anxiety is a separate thing from their own identity. Talk about their anxiety monster as if it is it’s own being. When they have anxious thoughts, ask them, “What is Bob (or whatever name they choose) saying to you?” Remind them that there is no judgment, no wrong answer. Be there to help them separate fact from fiction in what their anxiety is telling them. 

2. Give them a chance to slow down: if you can, encourage your child to focus on their breathing. Show them how to breathe in and out slowly, counting breaths, until they are able to slow down. If they are in the midst of an emotional reaction (crying, a tantrum, etc.) give them a glass of water and have them drink the whole thing. In order to drink it, they will have to slow down and focus on breathing while they drink it, which can help calm them down. 

3. Have regular “worry time”: Make space in your schedule to sit with them and discuss what they are worried about. This will help them feel listened to and validated, and allow you to brainstorm solutions to whatever is worrying them. When it’s worry time, sit down with them and tell them “Okay, it’s Worry Time, tell me what you’re worried about.” Let them say anything they need to without cutting them off. Don’t tell them their worries are silly, instead offer a solution. For example: if your child get anxious about speaking in front of others, but knows they have a school project coming up, they will probably feel anxious about it. Teach them to manage their problems in small chunks. First, they can write down what they want to say. Then they can practice it in front of you. Then add a sibling or a friend, but have them turn around and face the other way. Then have them say it while facing you, etc. 

4. Help them find accommodations: if your child is frequently anxious in new social situations, try to expose them to new places + people in small, controlled doses. If there is a birthday party coming up, call the parents of the child and see if your children can get together at their house before the party, so it will be a more familiar environment. If your child is going to summer camp, see if you can visit and meet teachers or counselors or coaches beforehand. 

5. Teach them that worry has a purpose: It isn’t wrong to be worried–in fact that feeling of worry often lets us know that something isn’t right. The problem comes when that worry takes control of their whole life. Remind them that they can always come to you with their worries, and you will help them find a solution. 

If you're looking for support for your anxious child, or if you're not sure where to begin, contact us today for help! 

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therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!