Why Is It So Hard to Build New Habits?

Our habits are just the patterned behaviors that get us through the day. 

They could be taking your medicine at a certain time, engaging in a yoga practice, taking your dog for a walk every afternoon, picking recipes to cook for the week, etc. Most of our days are structured by our habits, which is one of the reasons it can be so hard to practice new ones–you can blame your brain for this: 

When our brains notice that we do something over and over, they try to make life easier by making a sort of shortcut for that action. Our brains spend all day long taking action, so when they can use a shortcut, it’s usually helpful. These shortcuts are called neural pathways. 

Our brains work by sending electrical signals to our neurons from one area to another. When that path gets used over and over, our brains learn and develop a new neural pathway to send the message more efficiently. This is why after a certain period of time habits become so ingrained that you don’t even really have to think about them. 

That’s what makes breaking established patterns or establishing new ones can be so hard. But that’s not always all there is to it. Sometimes, even when we try to make sure we’re following best practices or practical advice for establishing new habits, we still can’t get there.  

Let’s explore some other reasons it can so hard to latch onto new habits: 

We let others determine what habits are valuable: 

It’s easy to look around at what others are doing, what is making them feel happy and fulfilled, and think that those are the things you should be doing to be happy and fulfilled too. Just look at the popularity of #GRWM (get ready with me) videos on Instagram: we like to see what successful, happy people are doing. And when we see their (performed) happiness and success, right alongside the habits they’re showing off, it’s easy to think: doing these things will make me happy and successful too. 

But, unfortunately, it’s just not that easy! First off, with that example, and every instance of this we see on social media, we don’t know the whole story. That person might look happy and successful, while actually really struggling. And secondly, every person is different. What works for one person won’t automatically work for you. Instead, it takes much more intricate work to get curious and turn inwards to ask yourself what you’re trying to accomplish with your new habits. What currently supports and enriches your life? Where do you feel longing for more? What are your values, and how can those help you determine what a happy, fulfilling life looks like? Use those questions to help you decide what new habits are good for you.  

We forgot that habits have seasons 

Have you ever been in the habit of something for a few months before it seemed to peter out of your routine? Then maybe a few months later you decide to “try that habit again”? We often see these cycles as continually “failing” at establishing reliable routines and new habits. But what if what is actually happening is that you’re naturally responding to your different needs in different seasons? Maybe there is a period of time where you do yoga every night before bed. When you stop doing yoga before bed, have you failed at that habit, or is there something that fills a different need that you’ve made room for in your nightly routine? It’s natural to having shifting routines–the important part is the routines you do have support the life you’re looking to create for yourself. 

We see success as all or nothing 

Similar to giving grace to the seasons, habits can come in, giving grace to yourself when you do fall off of a new habit and have to begin again to get used to it in your schedule can make diving back in easier. Success is not all or nothing. The fact that you put effort into building a new habit is a success in itself, and the time spent trying to build it before is practice that will make trying again less daunting. 

We lack self compassion or self care in our motivation: 

Why are you trying to build a new habit? Is it because you’re trying to add something of value to your life, or are you looking for ways to give yourself support or enrich your day to day life? Or are you being motivated by shame, feeling like something is wrong with you, that you have to fix how you live before you’re worthy of love and care? Being motivated by shame only works in short bursts, and then if we hit an obstacle, it can derail us completely. When you’re compassionate with yourself, needing to try more than once to get a habit to “stick” can just be part of the process. 

We have ways we’d rather be spending our time 

Yes there are things that you want to add to your routine, but it’s hard to give up things you currently enjoy. For this: consider habit stacking. Habit stacking is traditionally when you attach a new habit to an existing habit. Say, you make coffee every morning, and you need to remember to give your pet medicine at the same time every day. You can stay in the habit of getting up to make coffee, and then use the time it’s brewing to give the pet the medicine. That way it fits naturally into your schedule and you can get used to it more easily! 

For a non-traditional form of habit stacking, try sticking two new habits together, to balance out fun new habits you want to work in, with boring, chore-like habits you’re hoping to do more consistently. Lets you want to get in the habit of ending your day with a clean kitchen, and you also want to start actually listening to all those podcast episodes your friends keep recommending to you. You can take half an hour every evening to listen to an episode while cleaning up your kitchen at the end of the day. Then a boring, maybe even daunting chore, becomes a way to busy your hands while you focus on listening to something. 

Why does it matter what’s stopping us from establishing new habits?

It’s simple: if we figure out what is blocking us from trying new things, we can find support and address the root issue for long term change. 

Are you looking for more support as you build new habits? A therapist can help you discover what habits are no longer supportive for you and examine the barriers you face in implementing new ones, along with so much more. You can get started in one click!