Getting To Know Your Inner Child

Do you interact with your inner child?

We all have an inner child within us. These younger versions of ourselves can be powerful tools in understanding and healing emotional wounds from the past, which can help you feel safer and more confident in the present.  

Learning how to listen to your inner child isn’t a skill we often learn growing up, and it might seem a little strange at first. But the more you learn to tune into what this younger self wants, the easier it will be to recognize the times when your inner child needs support. For example, in moments when you find yourself reacting strongly to something minor, or feeling inexplicable sadness, your inner child might be trying to communicate with you.

What Is Your Inner Child?

Your inner child is the part of you that holds the experiences, emotions, and memories from your childhood. This mental version of yourself represents the little person you used to be—full of wonder, joy, hopes, secrets, fears, and insecurities. Your inner child carries with them both the joyful memories of childhood play and exploration, as well any pain and trauma of unmet needs, rejection, neglect, or abuse. 

As we get older, our inner child stays with us, and this younger version of ourselves can influence the way we respond to things in adulthood. Connecting with your inner child is about recognizing and honoring this younger you, as well as understanding what they need, and helping them to heal old wounds. 

Why does childhood stuff matter when we’re adults?

Childhood is a hugely significant time, where we develop, among other things, our sense of self, our beliefs about the world, and how we relate to others. We have needs as children, and it can be a matter of life or death when we don’t get our needs met as kids. In addition to our physical needs as small humans, we have emotional and relational needs when we’re young, like knowing that we’re loved and valued, that we’re safe, and that we’re good enough. 

When our childhood needs aren’t met—whether due to neglect, abuse, trauma, or even just well-intentioned but misguided parenting—we can carry these wounds into adulthood and they impact how we respond to things. 

These unresolved wounds from childhood often show up in what we believe about ourselves: that we’re not good enough, that love is conditional, or that the world is a dangerous place. These beliefs can play a role in many areas of our lives, from our careers to our romantic relationships, often in ways we’re not even consciously aware of.

Signs that inner child work can help you

We all have an inner child, so most people can benefit from inner child work or inner child therapy at some point. That being said, these are some signs that inner child work might be a good idea for you: 

• You find yourself stuck in repetitive emotional cycles—like feeling abandoned, unloved, or overly defensive—and don’t like the patterns you’re seeing

• You struggle with feelings of inadequacy, fear of failure, or constant self-criticism 

• You have trouble forming or maintaining healthy relationships with others

• You struggle with deep-seated anxiety or fears that feel overwhelming or difficult to understand

All of these can be signs that your inner child needs your attention. 

Benefits of inner child work

If you’re not in the habit of listening to your inner child, you might be wondering what the benefits are of beginning this type of work. After all, digging into old wounds and traumas can be dysregulating. If you’re going to go through the emotional rollercoaster of bonding with your inner child, you want to know that it can actually help you. 

Inner child work can help you: 

• Heal old wounds and move forward from trauma by reparenting yourself with compassion

• Build resilience and navigate your life with more ease and confidence

• Learn to trust yourself, especially with the parts of you that have been hurt or neglected

• Increase self-awareness and learn how to meet your own needs kindly 

• Develop healthier and more fulfilling relationships that aren’t driven by past wounds

When inner child work is triggering

Inner child work can bring up painful memories and emotions, which can feel overwhelming at times. If you find yourself triggered, make sure to pause and breathe deeply to ground yourself in the present moment. 

Be compassionate with yourself when you're emotionally activated. It’s normal to feel a range of emotions when you’re unpacking serious topics like childhood wounds. Working with a therapist who is trained in modalities like Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and who has experience guiding inner child work can help you move through this process safely. 

How to get to know your inner child

Getting to know your inner child is a journey of self-discovery and healing. It’s about honoring the child within you, understanding their needs, and providing the care they’ve longed for. While the process can be challenging, the rewards—greater self-awareness, emotional freedom, and a more fulfilling life—are well worth the effort. Here’s how you can start: 

Practice self-reflection

The first step to getting to know your inner child is to start to notice it, and the best way to do that is to spend time reflecting. Take time to sit quietly and reflect on your childhood. What memories come up? What do you remember struggling with back then? What emotions are present? What physical sensations do you experience? What do you wish you could tell your younger self? What did you need as a child that you didn’t receive? 

Questions like these can give you insight into the needs and wounds of your inner child so you can start to anticipate when they’ll need extra support. If you know that your inner child has a deep fear of abandonment, you can start to anticipate emotional reactions from your inner child when this abandonment wound is activated. 

Keep an inner child journal

Writing down your thoughts and emotions can help you connect with your inner child’s needs. 

You can use your journal as a place to validate and prioritize this younger version of yourself. You can journal like you’re writing as your younger self, or like you’re writing to your younger self, whichever feels better for you. It may even be helpful to record your observations from your self reflection in this journal so you can refer back to it. 

Try to use writing implements you liked when you were a kid when you use your journal. Maybe you’ll write in sparkly gel pen, or crayon, or even draw pictures to help illustrate things. 

Make time for play

Play is how we learn when we’re young, and it’s essential for our developmental well-being. You can utilize play as a way to get closer to your younger self and meet their needs. Your inner child thrives in moments of play and creativity. 

If you’re wondering where to start with play, think about the things that you enjoyed as a child.  Maybe you liked drawing, or dancing, or playing with toys. Maybe you were into playing sports. Maybe you always had your nose in a book. Whatever it is that used to bring you joy, start there to reconnect with your inner child’s joy and needs.

Keep the lines of communication open

Make it a habit to talk to your inner child regularly. Imagine speaking directly to your little self. What do they want to say? What do they need from you now? This dialogue can be incredibly healing.

When your younger self is no longer screaming for your attention, does anything shift for you? Keeping the lines of communication open with the younger versions of yourself can help you establish trust in yourself - that you won’t abandon yourself, even when it gets messy.  

If you’re interested in inner child work and need support, our therapists can help. Get in touch with us today to schedule an appointment!

6 Ways to Build Self-Respect

Do you respect yourself?

Self-respect is one of those buzzwords that you might hear about often, but it’s one that can get lost in the shuffle of self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence, and other self-focused beliefs. All of these beliefs have a role to play in mental wellness, especially self-respect.

What is self-respect?

Having self-respect means that you value and accept yourself, regardless of what’s going on around you. Self-respect is like the foundation of all of your other self-beliefs, because it’s generally unchanging. 

When your self-respect is low, you might think that there’s something wrong with you, or that you don’t bring any value to the world. When your self-respect is high, you recognize that who you are and what you care about matters, and you offer that sense of acceptance to yourself, no matter what happens. 

How is it different from self esteem or self worth?

Self-esteem is about having a high regard for yourself. Having high self esteem means that you think highly of yourself and love who you are as a person, which is very important! It is, however, different from self-respect. Self-worth is believing that you are loveable, no matter what other people think. Believing that you are loveable can play into how much you value and accept yourself, but it is not entirely the same. Self-esteem and self-worth are often influenced by outside factors, like other people, whereas self-respect is more internal. 

Why self-respect matters 

Having a strong sense of self-respect can be protective in times of uncertainty or stress, because you know that you have your own back. 

If you struggle with self-respect, you might find it harder to understand and live in alignment with what matters to you. You might find yourself bending your boundaries and trying to please everyone, instead of saying no when you need to. You might feel like you can’t make decisions or that you don’t know what matters to you. Feeling this way can add to distress when you're upset or under stress. 

Whatever your current level of self-respect, there are ways to increase it. Start here: 

Understand your values

One of the ways to start feeling more respect for yourself is to understand what means the most to you. What matters, and what doesn’t? What do you value, and what do you not care as much about? 

When you understand what the core values are that matter to you, it’s easier to try to live in alignment with them. It will be easier to know what a yes feels like to you and what a no feels like. 

Try to live in alignment with your values

When you live in alignment with your values, it means that you do your best to prioritize those values, and make decisions based on those values. You don’t need to be perfect, but when you’re making decisions, try to consider what’s important to you. Would one choice line up more with your values? Do what you can to practice what’s important to you. 

Be kind to yourself when you do things that are out of alignment with your values

Remember to be kind to yourself, even if you do something that doesn’t line up with your values. We all do things that aren’t in alignment with our values from time to time. It’s a part of being human! Remember that even if you do something that doesn’t line up with what’s important to you, you can always learn from that experience. 

You can consider what made it hard to stick to your values, and how that might impact you in the future. You can make a plan for the next time something like this comes up, so you know what you want to do. Even people you respect can let you down occasionally, but that doesn’t mean you need to change how you feel about them entirely. Offer that kind of grace to yourself. 

Keep your promises to yourself 

It’s hard to respect people who let you down, so do your best to not let yourself down. Work on keeping the promises you make to yourself. Set the boundary, work on that new habit, or do whatever it is that you have told yourself that you would do. 

Knowing that you can rely on yourself to meet your needs can make a huge difference when it comes to building self-respect. Over time, all the little things will add up, and you’ll see how good it feels to know you can count on yourself, no matter what. 

Listen to the people who love you

We’re almost all harder on ourselves than we should be, and that can make it hard to notice all the good things about ourselves. It can be helpful to listen to what the people who care about you have to say. They probably notice things about you that you don’t always pick up on or dismiss easily. While your sense of self-respect doesn’t come entirely from how other people see you, it can help to remind you of what a good person you are, especially when you’re having a tough time remembering. 

Work on living a life that you enjoy

At the end of their lives, people have some common regrets: that they spent too much time working, and not enough time doing the things they enjoyed; that they should have stayed closer to their friends; that they should have lived a life that was true to themselves, instead of doing what others expected of them; that they wished they had the courage to express how they felt; and that they wish they had let themselves be happier. 

Think about how you’re living your life right now. Do you think any of these regrets will ring true at the end of your life? One way to help prevent having those kinds of regrets at the end of your life is to work on living a life that you enjoy and that brings meaning to you. 

Building a life that you enjoy is the ultimate way to show that you respect yourself. It means that you know what’s right for you and you’re not afraid to go for it, even if others question it. It means that you take care of yourself when you need it. It means that you say no when you need to, and know that the people who love you will still be there. 

Building self-respect takes time, and it can bring up lots of feelings. If you’re looking for more support as you work on how you feel about yourself, working with a therapist can help. Our therapists are currently accepting appointments, so contact us to get started today. 

Don't Know What You're Feeling? Try This.

You’re sitting in therapy and your therapist asks the dreaded question: how are you feeling right now?

But there’s a storm of emotions in your head that you can’t decipher so you just say: I don’t know. 

This happens to all of us, and not just in therapy. There are so many moments we find ourselves not knowing what we’re feeling–maybe because we haven’t taken enough time to sit with it, or maybe because we’re feeling something in a context we’ve never felt it before–or maybe because many of us aren’t taught to recognize and have compassion for what we’re feeling when we’re feeling it. This leaves us at a disadvantage later, when it feels like our emotions are controlling instead of informing us. 

What’s the purpose of our emotions? 

Emotions can seem scary because we just aren’t taught a lot about them. When we shy away from understanding them, they become these all powerful entities that can control our lives. But the truth is, emotions (and the experience of having any emotion) is neutral. While it may feel positive or negative, the emotion itself is never a “bad” one to have. 

Emotions serve different purposes, including providing information to us about certain situations, or communicating to others how we feel. They can motivate us to act or help us avoid dangerous situations or potential threats. Emotions give us information about how we process and respond to the world around us. 

But emotions aren’t just felt in our minds, they involve what’s called a mind-body connection as what we experience is processed in our minds and felt in our bodies and physiological responses. These physical responses can be another way of your body trying to get you to pay attention to what your feelings are telling you, and to take appropriate action. Learning these physical responses can help you identify what you’re feeling when you have regular ways your feelings manifest in your body. 

Why is it so hard to figure out what we’re feeling?

The trouble with emotions is that they’re tricky. For example, some people may feel generalized anxiety and tension all day even in the absence of any threat. Others may be prone to feelings of depression and tend to interpret different situations with negative thoughts, thus in turn creating greater feelings of depression.

And, sometimes we just don’t have the vocabulary to decipher what we’re feeling.

Developing a greater awareness of your emotions can help you find ways to cope with difficult emotions that arise, make values-aligned decisions, enhance relationships with others, and develop a greater sense of self esteem. Identifying emotions and how you feel in a given situation is often the first critical step towards figuring out how best to manage them.

So how do we identify what we’re feeling if we don’t have the vocabulary for it?

One option is to browse out list of feelings here. Another method we’ll explore today is the Feelings Wheel! The feelings wheel is a great place to start if you have trouble identifying your feelings. 

The wheel starts with 7 general emotions at the center:

1. Happy 

2. Surprised 

3. Bad 

4. Fearful 

5. Angry 

6. Disgusted 

To start, you pick which of the five emotions feels closest to what you’re feeling. As the rings move outward, the terms get more and more specific. So for example, maybe you can only identify that you feel sad. If you start at sad, and go one ring out, is there a more specific feeling that fits? Maybe your sadness is actually hurt, and that hurt is embarassment. From there, you can take time to think of what it was that made you feel that way and how that feeling manifested for you. 

It may help to keep a feelings journal where you record this process. Note where you started on the feelings wheel and where you ended up. Then you can use the journal to explore how that feeling showed up in your body and what the circumstances around the feeling were. 

What happens when we don’t name our emotions?

This process can seem like a lot of work, and maybe you’re thinking it’s just not worth it! But when we don’t take time to understand our emotions, they don’t just go away. Instead, they can get more intense the longer they’re ignored, and the way they show up as physical symptoms can get more intense too. Your body wil deman you pay attention to what you’re feeling at some point. 

Not naming our emotions impacts other areas of our life as well, not just our physical health. It can also impact our relationships! Our feelings impact our behavior–if you’re feeling anxious, you’ll behave differently than when you’re feeling joy, etc. Without communicating what you’re feeling, your behavior can be interpreted incorrectly by friends and loved ones, and relationships can suffer. Understanding your feelings helps you understand how they impact how you behave with everyone in your life, and also gives you an opportunity to be open with those around about how you’re feeling so they know how to best support you. 

Learning to tune into and understand how we’re feeling is hard work, so don’t be hard on yourself if it take you a while to get to a place where you do it naturally. If you’re looking for support in this, our clinicians can help you.  

Why Is It So Hard to Build New Habits?

Our habits are just the patterned behaviors that get us through the day. 

They could be taking your medicine at a certain time, engaging in a yoga practice, taking your dog for a walk every afternoon, picking recipes to cook for the week, etc. Most of our days are structured by our habits, which is one of the reasons it can be so hard to practice new ones–you can blame your brain for this: 

When our brains notice that we do something over and over, they try to make life easier by making a sort of shortcut for that action. Our brains spend all day long taking action, so when they can use a shortcut, it’s usually helpful. These shortcuts are called neural pathways. 

Our brains work by sending electrical signals to our neurons from one area to another. When that path gets used over and over, our brains learn and develop a new neural pathway to send the message more efficiently. This is why after a certain period of time habits become so ingrained that you don’t even really have to think about them. 

That’s what makes breaking established patterns or establishing new ones can be so hard. But that’s not always all there is to it. Sometimes, even when we try to make sure we’re following best practices or practical advice for establishing new habits, we still can’t get there.  

Let’s explore some other reasons it can so hard to latch onto new habits: 

We let others determine what habits are valuable: 

It’s easy to look around at what others are doing, what is making them feel happy and fulfilled, and think that those are the things you should be doing to be happy and fulfilled too. Just look at the popularity of #GRWM (get ready with me) videos on Instagram: we like to see what successful, happy people are doing. And when we see their (performed) happiness and success, right alongside the habits they’re showing off, it’s easy to think: doing these things will make me happy and successful too. 

But, unfortunately, it’s just not that easy! First off, with that example, and every instance of this we see on social media, we don’t know the whole story. That person might look happy and successful, while actually really struggling. And secondly, every person is different. What works for one person won’t automatically work for you. Instead, it takes much more intricate work to get curious and turn inwards to ask yourself what you’re trying to accomplish with your new habits. What currently supports and enriches your life? Where do you feel longing for more? What are your values, and how can those help you determine what a happy, fulfilling life looks like? Use those questions to help you decide what new habits are good for you.  

We forgot that habits have seasons 

Have you ever been in the habit of something for a few months before it seemed to peter out of your routine? Then maybe a few months later you decide to “try that habit again”? We often see these cycles as continually “failing” at establishing reliable routines and new habits. But what if what is actually happening is that you’re naturally responding to your different needs in different seasons? Maybe there is a period of time where you do yoga every night before bed. When you stop doing yoga before bed, have you failed at that habit, or is there something that fills a different need that you’ve made room for in your nightly routine? It’s natural to having shifting routines–the important part is the routines you do have support the life you’re looking to create for yourself. 

We see success as all or nothing 

Similar to giving grace to the seasons, habits can come in, giving grace to yourself when you do fall off of a new habit and have to begin again to get used to it in your schedule can make diving back in easier. Success is not all or nothing. The fact that you put effort into building a new habit is a success in itself, and the time spent trying to build it before is practice that will make trying again less daunting. 

We lack self compassion or self care in our motivation: 

Why are you trying to build a new habit? Is it because you’re trying to add something of value to your life, or are you looking for ways to give yourself support or enrich your day to day life? Or are you being motivated by shame, feeling like something is wrong with you, that you have to fix how you live before you’re worthy of love and care? Being motivated by shame only works in short bursts, and then if we hit an obstacle, it can derail us completely. When you’re compassionate with yourself, needing to try more than once to get a habit to “stick” can just be part of the process. 

We have ways we’d rather be spending our time 

Yes there are things that you want to add to your routine, but it’s hard to give up things you currently enjoy. For this: consider habit stacking. Habit stacking is traditionally when you attach a new habit to an existing habit. Say, you make coffee every morning, and you need to remember to give your pet medicine at the same time every day. You can stay in the habit of getting up to make coffee, and then use the time it’s brewing to give the pet the medicine. That way it fits naturally into your schedule and you can get used to it more easily! 

For a non-traditional form of habit stacking, try sticking two new habits together, to balance out fun new habits you want to work in, with boring, chore-like habits you’re hoping to do more consistently. Lets you want to get in the habit of ending your day with a clean kitchen, and you also want to start actually listening to all those podcast episodes your friends keep recommending to you. You can take half an hour every evening to listen to an episode while cleaning up your kitchen at the end of the day. Then a boring, maybe even daunting chore, becomes a way to busy your hands while you focus on listening to something. 

Why does it matter what’s stopping us from establishing new habits?

It’s simple: if we figure out what is blocking us from trying new things, we can find support and address the root issue for long term change. 

Are you looking for more support as you build new habits? A therapist can help you discover what habits are no longer supportive for you and examine the barriers you face in implementing new ones, along with so much more. You can get started in one click!

What to Do When Life Feels Meaningless

Life is often challenging, and there are times where you might feel like life has no meaning. 

When life feels meaningless, it can be scary. You might feel like there is something wrong with you for feeling like you aren’t sure what it all means. You might wish you could go back to how things were before you started questioning everything. 

It’s normal to have questions about what your purpose is to wonder about greater meaning. We all go through times where we question if we’re on the right path or where we come to a realization or go through an experience that changes our worldview. 

Why does life feel meaningless?

The feeling that life is meaningless can develop from many things. Sometimes, a sense that life is meaningless can be accompanied by other signs of depression or other mood disorders, like feeling hopeless, sad, or disinterested in things you used to enjoy. A therapist or your primary care doctor can help you assess whether you’re dealing with something more serious, like a mood disorder. 

Questioning meaning in your life can also come from: 

• Feeling unfulfilled at work and in life

• Wondering if anything you do makes a difference

• Is there something else? 

• Going through stressful experiences 

• Struggling to figure out what it is you want 

Life means something different to everyone, so when life feels meaningless, everyone will require something different. Only you have your unique combination of experience, perspective, values, and temperament, and so rediscovering meaning when life feels meaningless will take some exploring. 

What can you do when life feels meaningless? Remember, you’re not alone, and you won’t feel this way forever. Here are 6 suggestions for what you can do when life feels meaningless: 

Reconsider what makes a good life 

There are times in life where your worldview shifts and you question what you previously believed. Often, we feel a lot of pressure to have a perfect life, and feeling like you can’t measure up can make it harder to feel like you have a purpose. 

Sometimes, reconsidering what it is that makes a good life can be a helpful exercise. What is actually important to you, and not just what you think others want to hear? What would make you feel happy and fulfilled? Where are the small places that you find joy in your day to day life, and how can you expand those moments of joy? It might take a while for you to come up with an answer that feels right for you, but don't be afraid to explore what a good life means to you.

Get to know yourself better

We all grow and change over time, and it can be surprising to realize that you don’t really know yourself that well. It can be helpful to really consider who you are from time to time, so you can feel more comfortable in your skin and confident in who you are. 

Getting to know yourself won’t happen overnight, but start with curiosity and compassion. Try writing in a journal or starting a mindfulness practice to help you connect with yourself on a regular basis. 

Determine your values 

One way to work your way back toward meaning in your life is to determine what your values are. When you know what is important to you on a fundamental level, it can be easier to make decisions and answer questions about life. 

For example, if you know that community is an important value of yours, you can take small steps to strengthen your community, like reaching out to loved ones to connect or attending local events to meet new people. 

Work on self compassion

It takes a lot of effort to be nice to yourself, but it’s important. There is enough negativity in the world that you’ll have to deal with, and you don’t need to add to it. Whenever you’re going through something hard, be as nice to yourself as you can possibly be. 

Sometimes feeling like life is meaningless can be compounded by not being kind to yourself and leave you even more distressed. Whenever you notice you’re being unkind to yourself, take a pause and a few deep breaths, and try to respond to yourself like you’d respond to a friend. 

Connect with something bigger than yourself 

One of the beautiful things about being a human is that we have the ability to connect with something bigger than ourselves. We can experience awe and joy and wonder, and making those a priority can help you to rediscover meaning when life feels meaningless. 

Some people connect deeply with things like nature, hobbies, religion, art, music, activism. Try to think of things in your past that have inspired awe or wonder for you. What about those experiences can you replicate? 

Work with a professional

Existential questions like “What is the meaning of all of this?” and “What is my purpose?” are difficult to answer. Working with a trained therapist can help you explore what is meaningful to you and empower you to find answers while offering support and expertise.  

Therapy can help you learn more about current patterns in your thinking that contribute to your distress and find ways to shift them into more supportive patterns. Many people find that working with a therapist helps them find a greater sense of peace and purpose. 

If you’re interested in working with one of our Washington, DC, Northern Virginia, or Maryland therapists, get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment. 

Why “Should” Statements Make You Feel Worse

Do you ever have a hard time relaxing or focusing because you feel like you “should” be doing something else? 

Should statements are a fast track to feeling discouraged, anxious, and even depressed. 

Should statements are a type of cognitive distortion, or a faulty pattern of thinking. Cognitive distortions are often so automatic that we assume they’re true and don’t question the messages we get from them.  

Some people might find reminding themselves of things they should do to be motivating, but many others experience it differently. For lots of people, focusing on the things they should do leads to feelings of shame, stress, panic, and inadequacy. It doesn’t feel good to spend a lot of time thinking things like:

• “I should be a better mom.”

• “I ought to eat more vegetables.”

• “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

• “I should be able to handle this.”

• “I should clean my house more.”

These statements lead to worry, rumination, fear, and shame. They make us feel like we’re not good enough. When you say you “should” or “must” do something, is that statement actually true, or is it a way to make you feel like you will finally be good enough?

So, what can you do about should statements? They’re a normal part of having a brain, but sometimes they can spiral out of control and make you feel like you can’t do anything right. When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by shoulds, here are some things to try: 

Work on self-trust and self-forgiveness

When you are trapped in a cycle of feeling like you should do something, it can be hard to trust your instincts for what you want to do. Remind yourself of things you do well or good choices you’ve made. When you trust yourself, you’ll feel more confident in your ability to respond to your inner critic. 

Learning how to forgive yourself can also be powerful in reacting differently to should statements. Forgiving yourself frees you from the endless cycle of guilt and self loathing that often accompanies should statements. It’s okay if you don’t do everything perfectly. 

Remember that you’re human

You’re human. You can’t do it all. We all make mistakes and do things we’re not proud of in life. Beating yourself up about the things you’ve done “wrong” in the past does nothing to change the future. Realizing that you’re a person, and you’re allowed to be imperfect, can be freeing. 

If you find yourself thinking in “shoulds”, remember that the first step to doing something about it is noticing what’s happening and you’re already there! When you can notice what’s happening and refrain from judging yourself about it, it’s easier to redirect your thoughts. 

Reframe your thoughts 

Underneath all the shoulds are feelings of inadequacy, or guilt, or shame, or fear. These are all painful emotions that we don’t always know how to cope with. It takes practice to react to these feelings in a new way, but it’s possible to redirect or reframe your thoughts. 

When you notice shoulds creeping into your thoughts, notice them, remember they’re not actually your only options. Instead of saying “I should eat more vegetables,” try saying “I could eat more vegetables,” which takes away the pressure and judgment. You’re not a bad person if you don’t eat more vegetables, but it’s an option if you choose to and it feels good. Motivating yourself in a way that feels good is much more effective than trying to motivate yourself with shame. 

Look for the nuance

Cognitive distortions like should statements view the world in extremes or with hard and fast rules. In real life, there are shades of gray, and there are options other than extremes. 

When your brain is trying to tell you that you can only do things a certain way, that’s a clue to take a moment and question what’s going on. Is what your brain is saying true? Is there another choice here? Explore what’s really going on before getting swept up in your initial judgment. 

Explore where your shoulds come from 

Try to notice that inner voice that comes up when you feel like you should do something. Where did this voice come from? Understanding where the shoulds you feel come from can be helpful in learning how to respond to them in a new way. Do you feel like you’re not living up to a standard? Do you feel like you’re spending your time on the wrong things?

For example, if you constantly feel like you “should” do things related to keeping things clean, think about where that feeling of pressure comes from. Did a parent or caretaker make you feel like you weren’t good enough if you weren’t tidy? Did you grow up feeling shame about an unclean home? Lots of times the judgments we make about ourselves originate from someone that made us feel not good enough at some point. 

If you’re struggling with cognitive distortions like should statements, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help. Our clinicians are trained in CBT and can help you reframe your unhelpful thought patterns so you can cope more effectively. 

Separating Healing from Healthism

A lot of language around health focuses on should’s.

What habits we should have, what foods we should eat, how much media we should consume, how we should engage with our bodies, when we should be active and productive, how active and productive we should be, and on and on and on. 

But why? And, maybe more importantly, what if in centering our health and all of those “shoulds” we were actually getting in the way of really caring for ourselves?

What is healthism?

Healthism, essentially, is the cultural idea that being healthy is the most important thing; that healthy is equivalent to good, hardworking, educated, and valuable, while unhealthy means bad, lazy, stupid, and expendable.

Healthism was an idea introduced to popularity by an economist, Robert Crawford, in the 1980s, in an essay published under the title “Healthism and the Medicalization of Everyday Life.” The essay was written in response to a cultural rise in self care movements in the seventies, but is still relevant in this new wave of individualist and commercialized self care. An excerpt from it reads: 

“…healthism situates the problem of health and disease at the level of the individual. Solutions are formulated at that level as well. To the extent that healthism shapes popular beliefs, we will continue to have a non-political, and therefore, ultimately ineffective conception and strategy of health promotion. Further, by elevating health to a super value, a metaphor for all that is good in life, healthism reinforces the privatization of the struggle for generalized well-being.”

Basically, healthism asks: if you’re sick or unwell, what did you do wrong? And the follow up: if you can’t make good or healthy choices, why should you get care?

What healthism overlooks:

There is a lot left ignored in this understanding of health. In fact, very little of your “health” is determined by personal habits. Your health is influenced by your genetics, your socioeconomic status, the environment you live in, your access to medical care and nutrient dense food, experiences of racism, sexism, homophobia or transphobia, medical discrimination, bias or neglect, and more. All of these things are outside an individual's control! 

We put so much importance on individual habits and choices because those are what we can control in our day to day life, but that also makes it easy for us to be blamed for our own poor health, or sold something that says will make us better, but really only exists to make someone else a profit. 

The healthism we see on an individual level (rather than a structural level, like being denied insurance for a pre-existing condition) also often focuses more on the aesthetics of health, than on health itself. One major example of this would be the health risks fat people face just by actually going to the doctor. The anti-fat bias within “health” centered spaces is so damaging, that when actually going to attend to their health, fat patients risk having their health harmed by abusive medical professionals, who often only tell them to lose weight without actually tending to their medical needs–and without acknowledging both that rapidly losing weight is dangerous to your health or that being underweight is actually more dangerous to health than being overweight. 

The other obvious thing that is overlooked by healthism is mental health. Healthism believes your health is your responsibility, but your genetics and your brain chemistry are not within your control! While yes, moving your body and nourishing yourself are good for your mental health but mental health cannot be exercised or dieted away! That prompts the question, if you are physically “healthy” but are treating depression, are you still “healthy”? Can anyone really be fully “healthy” when we step back and think about it holistically? And if we can’t, why do we place so much importance on striving for perfect health above all else?

What shifting away from healthism can do for your healing: 

This isn’t to say your health is insignificant–when you are sick or injured or unwell in any way you deserve care and medicine and support. The rejection of healthism isn’t a rejection of taking care of yourself, but shifting the motivations behind it. 

Instead of caring for yourself because you want to be healthy so you can deserve love and care and support, can you care for yourself because you are alive and deserve it? Can you shift your habits of caring for yourself so they come from a place of love and joy, rather than guilt and shame?

Removing morality from health means when your health declines, you know your worth does not. 

When you are unwell, you have value and deserve everything you have when you’re well. Rejecting the healthism mentality means recognizing this–even if the reason you are unwell is the result of a choice you made. This means caring about and for yourself isn’t dependent on how healthy your habits are. Instead it’s coming from a place in your mind that is asking, “okay, how can I both nourish myself and feel good in this body and life?”

Want a weird, real life example of this? Look at kinksters. In kink and alternative sex communities there is an acronym RACK, which stands for risk aware consensual kink. This means that all participants understand that there is no 100% safe way to practice kink as there is always some sort of risk, even if it’s very small. But they have made themselves aware of those risks, and decided that the benefits of what they would get out of the experience outweighs those risks, so they still enthusiastically consent. 

We can think of our choices with health in the same way–you don’t always have to choose what is healthiest if another option offers something else to you; it’s about being aware and making choices based on your own needs and desires. 

Rejecting healthism also helps to ground you back in your healing. Healthism is a tool of capitalism! You don’t need to be constantly buying things to make yourself “better”; you need to tune back into yourself to listen to what your needs are, and respond to what you’re exploring internally, not what’s being sold to you externally. Take the CEO of Whole Foods saying:

“We are all responsible for our own lives and our own health. We should take that responsibility very seriously and use our freedom to make wise lifestyle choices that will protect our health.” 

We know of course, that that’s not true! Like we discussed above, there are many factors to health, very few of which are influenced by personal choice and habits. But we can also see that he’s clearly selling something to us here. He’s saying: if you want to be healthy and live a good, long life, shop at Whole Foods! But that’s not the only way to achieve health–and for people who can’t afford to shop there, that economic strain would actually impede their health. 

Rejecting healthism takes guilt away from seeking joy, and gives you back the power to determine your purpose. Instead of feeling shame over “indulging” in things you “shouldn’t” or not putting all of your effort into achieving peak physical health, you can spend your time and energy in ways that rejuvenate you. 

How therapy challenges healthism 

Healthism says: whatever health or wellness problems you have in your life, they’re your fault. If you had made better choices, you would be better off. 

Therapy says: there are so many things that make you who you are and that impact how you are. Let’s explore them and see what motivated your choices, what needs you were meeting, and give compassion to you for taking care of yourself as best as you could. It says being unwell doesn’t always come from one thing, and it’s not your job alone to be healthy or well–relationships and support systems are a huge part of taking care of yourself, and you deserve access to them. 

Shifting away from a mindset based in healthism can be hard, but we’re here to support you. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

Exploring & Expressing Anger Safely

There’s no such thing as a bad emotion. 

Yes, read it again! None of our emotions on their own are good or bad. Now, that doesn’t mean that they can’t make us feel bad (or uncomfortable) in some way, but all an emotion is really doing is giving us information. And all of that information is important–even the information we don’t like to learn. 

Our feelings basically act as response cues to the environment around us. They let us know if we’re safe, if we’re valued, if our wants and needs are being met, etc. If that sounds confusing (how can a feeling let you know if your needs are being met?) let’s look at an example. Say you’ve spent an evening laughing with your friends, feeling happy. That good feeling, while it might seem basic, is telling you information! It’s letting you know:

• You are comfortable around the people you’re with

• Your true self is safe to come out in this environment

• You’re able to participate fully in the moment, indicating you feel seen and valued

• You’re fulfilled/rejuvenated by the social connections you’ve made

That all might seem obvious at the moment, but it’s actually a lot of information for one feeling to give you! Uncomfortable emotions, though we don’t enjoy experiencing them as much, give us the same amount of information. While they can feel “bad” they’re still important to pay attention to, so we can attend to our needs. 

Let’s look at anger. 

Anger is often a secondary emotion–which means if comes as a result of another, often more vulnerable feeling. While anger is what is being expressed in that case, the feeling at the root could be hurt, shame, betrayal, etc. 

However, anger still tells us a lot of information, and isn’t an emotion to be afraid to feel or express. One function it can serve is informing you when you’re being mistreated. If someone says something cruel to you and you get upset, there may be another emotion at the root, but your anger can also be a signal that you know how you deserve to be treated, but that you are presently being mistreated. That’s not a bad thing–your anger is actually looking out for you in that scenario. It’s letting you know, hey, I know this isn’t okay and I deserve better!  

Anger becomes a problem when we are so afraid of it, we don’t give ourselves space to explore or express it. If we’re under the impression that anger is bad or scary, we’re not likely to engage with it when we feel it; instead we’re more likely to feel shame and try to shove it away. Or, if our anger has been shoved aside too long, it may bubble up and explode in a more volatile way than if we had given it the attention it needed when it first appeared. 

When we don’t treat it as something dangerous, anger can be useful to us. 

Give yourself a moment to think about why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. As yourself: 

• What happened just before I started feeling this way?

• What was it that made me feel this way?

• Am I feeling angry or is there another emotion at the root of this feeling? (Insecurity, sadness, shame, etc.) 

• Does this remind me of some way I’ve been mistreated in the past?

When you’ve given yourself a chance to explore what it is you’re feeling, communicating to others what you need or what upset you will be easier. 

But sometimes we need to let ourselves feel the anger before we’re ready to pick it apart.

That doesn’t mean lashing out or having an outburst, but there are other ways to let yourself feel and express that anger without endangering yourself or others. Giving yourself time to feel your feelings before picking them apart helps you not to overanalyze yourself. 

Sometimes we’re angry because we haven’t had enough to eat or sleep and we keeping getting held up by small inconveniences, until suddenly we’re angry! In those cases, too much introspection probably won’t be helpful. You need a snack, a nap, and a moment to release the built up frustration so that you can go about your day. Some ways you can release that anger or frustration can include: 

Music: 

Whether you play an instrument yourself, or if you just like to blast it in your room and sing along, screaming along or playing loudly can help release the tension that has built up. 

Art: 

Creating art can be both a physical release by working with your hands and other materials (like painting), a way to be destructive while also creative (like collaging) and even a physical stress relief (using clay with your hands, etc.). It also allows you to express whatever it is you’re feeling without having to put words to it–there are many other ways we can communicate, and visually is one way! Using art to express anger is a great way to explore it, release it and communicate it. 

Moving your body: 

Any way you like! It could be dancing, going for a run or hike, or anything that can take that anger and use it as physical exertion so it feels like you’re expelling it out of your body. Exercising also helps to release those feel good chemicals in our brain as well, so you can literally help improve your mood by moving your body. 

Journaling: 

You don’t have to express everything perfectly in your journal, or even know what you want to write about–it’s a space all for you. You can let yourself vent when you’re mad to get it out, and later, when you’re feeling calm and settled, you can look at what was upsetting you to see if there’s anything within your control that you can do about it. 

Remember:  Anger is just a feeling, feeling it isn’t good or bad. 

Give yourself time and space to release those feelings and explore what they’re telling you before trying to communicate that with others. And while anger can be useful, communicating in anger is not, so using one of these ways to find expression or release first,  before communicating to others about what you need can help you stay grounded and focused on your own needs, 

Working with a therapist can help you understand what your anger is telling you and find healthy ways to express it. Contact our office today to get started.

How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

Self-care is such a buzzword these days that pretty much anything can be spun as self-care. Not everything you do in the name of self-care is actually good for you, though. Businesses have found that appealing to people’s need for self-care to be a very effective marketing strategy, and so the lines of what is actually self-care have become blurred. It can be hard to figure out if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

The purpose of self-care is to make you feel rejuvenated. Life isn’t only about being “productive”, but self-care in general should make you feel as though you’ve accomplished something. 

Avoidance, on the other hand, is draining. It doesn’t feel good to keep putting things off or pushing things away, because there’s always the fear that they’ll come back at any moment. 

What is avoidance?

Avoidance is a coping mechanism that people use when they’re trying not to think, feel, or do something difficult. The problem with avoidance is that it doesn’t deal with the root of the problem, it just pushes it down for another day. This can backfire, unfortunately. You may have experienced this before, where you try not to think about something and then it’s the only thing on your mind. 

Sometimes, doing something can be avoidance in one context and self-care in another. For example, if you have a deadline coming up to apply for a program, it’s probably not productive to spend all day playing video games. Those actions keep you from doing what is on your mind. On the other hand, if you’ve just finished up a big project and need to blow off some steam, playing video games can be a perfect outlet. 

Avoidance might be a way to self-sabotage, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. Imagine that you’ve been casually dating someone for a few months and you have developed feelings and want to get a feel for how they are feeling.  

However, you don’t want to open yourself up to criticism or rejection by putting your actual feelings out there - what if they laugh? What if they leave? The what ifs can be immobilizing at times, which is why avoidance is such an attractive option. Instead of having to deal with being rejected, you can do the rejecting by simply refusing to do anything.

Of course, that doesn’t solve the problem at hand - clarifying what the relationship expectations are, it just kicks it down the road to be dealt with later. 

In the scenario above, you might start to feel resentful that you’re shouldering the emotional burden on your own instead of being able to communicate openly with your partner. That resentment might lead to you wanting to spend less time with them or even ending your connection altogether.  

If you put something off or shove it down long enough, it will find its way out. Avoidance is a coping strategy, but it’s not one that works forever. After a while, you’re going to have to deal with whatever it is one way or another. 

So, how can you tell the difference between avoidance and self-care? Here are 5 questions to ask yourself to assess if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

What is the intent?

Most of the time, it comes down to the intent behind it. Avoiding behaviors often come up automatically without us having to think about it. Our brains do what they can to protect us, and they sometimes try to keep us from having to do or feel something painful. Self-care, however, is a more consciously made choice. Avoidance often feels mindless- like when you pick up your phone and then boom, suddenly 2 hours are gone and you don’t know where they went. 

Is this proactive or reactive?

Often, self-care is proactive, to help make life easier for future-you while avoidance is in reaction to something. An example of proactive self-care is making plans with your friends in advance so you make sure to have time with each other. Avoidance might look like canceling plans with a friend who you need to have a serious talk with. Is this action going to help future-you? Or is it helping you avoid something or someone? Be honest with yourself. 

What is underneath the urge to avoid? 

There’s almost always something underneath the urge to avoid something, and it’s helpful to do some digging to find out what it is. Maybe it’s fear of confrontation, or fear of rejection. Perhaps you don’t want to be criticized or pitied. Whatever it is, try to explore what is going on beneath the surface to get to the root of what’s going on. 

Is what I'm doing keeping me connected to the present moment? 

This is a great question to ask yourself to determine if you’re avoiding or caring for yourself. Avoidance is designed to distract you from what is stressing you out, so a lot of times it means checking out of the present moment. Self-care, on the other hand, brings you back to the present moment, or at least keeps you from ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. 

How do I feel afterward - more or less stressed? Numb or energized?

Self-care is supposed to help relieve stress, not add to it. It’s not only about taking it easy and indulging every impulse. Sometimes self-care is tedious, but it should ideally leave you feeling less stressed and more energized. 

Since avoidance is all about pushing away difficult feelings or situations, it often adds to your stress level overall. It is stressful to always feel like the other shoe is about to drop. Avoidance might even feel like numbness or fatigue, where you’re not sure what you’re experiencing. If you tend to find yourself feeling more stressed after engaging in self-care, there may be some avoidance going on.

The tricky part of this is that everyone’s self-care needs are different, and they change all the time.

You’re the expert of your body and your experience, so you might have an idea of what works for you. If you’re looking for more support as you develop your own self-care practice, working with a therapist can help. Get in touch today to get started with one of our expert counselors. 

5 Ways to Improve Your Self-Worth

5 Ways to Improve Your Self-Worth

How do you feel about yourself? 

That’s definitely a loaded question for a lot of people. We often hear of the importance of building healthy self-esteem and self-worth, but it can be harder to put into practice than you expect. 

What’s the difference between self-esteem and self-worth?

Many of us have heard the terms self-esteem and self-worth before, but it’s not always clear what the difference between them is. They’re often used interchangeably, but they actually mean different things. 

Self-esteem is the way we feel about ourselves in the moment. Self-worth, on the other hand, describes knowing that you are a person of value who has worth, no matter what your self-esteem looks like. Self-worth is a broader term and is generally more permanent than self-esteem, which can vary based on circumstance. Self-worth comes from within, whereas self-esteem comes from the world around you. 

Self-esteem is more temporary than self-worth. They don’t always relate to one another the way you expect they would. It’s possible to have high self-esteem and self-worth at the same time, but it’s also possible to have low self-esteem and high self-worth, or vice versa. Although they have some commonalities, each plays a role in the way we feel about ourselves. 

How can you have low self-esteem but high self-worth?

It might sound strange that it’s possible to have low self-esteem but high self-worth. However, since self-worth is a foundational belief that you are innately worthy, no matter what else is going on, it’s less easily influenced by external or internal factors. Self-worth is a core belief that you are worthy and have value. Even if you’re having a bad day or week, and your self-esteem has taken a hit because of your current circumstances, you still understand your worth and value as a person. 

Developing a healthy sense of self-worth can help you be more resilient in times of distress or change. When you understand that nothing can change the worth you have as a person, it can be a freeing feeling. 

It might be hard for you to believe that you have inherent value and worth, especially if you’ve been sending yourself the opposite message for a long time. 

What is it like when you have high self-worth?

People who have a high sense of self-worth are more likely to:

• Fundamentally believe that they are worthy and loveable

• Understand that they deserve love and respect

• Realize that being imperfect and making mistakes doesn’t take away from self-worth

• Treat themselves with self-compassion

• Show themselves kindness and respect

• Believe that they have the power to learn and grow

If you’re looking to improve your sense of self-worth, you might be wondering where to start. Here are 5 ways to improve your self-worth: 

Use positive affirmations

The way you talk to yourself matters. When you notice that critical voice in your head putting you down, try to overpower it with positive words toward yourself. Positive affirmations can actually help change the way your brain is wired and lead to shifts in beliefs. You can use this to your advantage and repeat affirmations about your self-worth to yourself until you’ve internalized the message. Here are a few affirmations to try: 

• I am worthy, no matter what. 

• I have value, just as I am.

• I am enough.

• I deserve to be happy.

• I am just as worthy as everyone else. 

• I am a kind and loving friend to myself.

• I am able to meet my own needs.

Understand your core values

When you know the values that are most important to you, it’s easier to make decisions and trust that the decisions you make are in alignment with what matters to you. Taking the time to get to know what values matter to you can let you get to know yourself on a deeper level. It’s easier to be nicer to yourself when you know yourself better. Even if you make decisions that don’t pan out, knowing that your choices come from your values can give you confidence that you’re on the right path. 

Advocate for yourself 

It’s hard to learn how to be your own advocate, especially when you’re struggling to feel good about yourself. It’s really powerful to stick up for yourself, though. When the opportunity arises, express your true feelings and opinions. Be your own cheerleader! Practicing this skill can help reinforce the belief that you are worthy and valuable. Treat yourself like you are valuable, and eventually you will start to believe it.

Build up your self-trust

An important part of knowing your self-worth is knowing that you can trust and rely on yourself. Give yourself opportunities to build up the trust you have with yourself. Keep the promises you make to yourself. Remind yourself that it’s okay to not be perfect and make mistakes. Remember to speak kindly to yourself when building up self-trust. You probably wouldn’t trust someone who was a jerk to you all the time, right? So don’t be a jerk to yourself, because it will be harder to trust yourself. 

Avoid comparing yourself to others

Comparison really is the thief of joy. When you spend your time trying to find ways where you’re coming up short, you don’t have as much time to focus on your own internal world. Self-worth  comes from you and how you feel about yourself, not how anyone else feels about you. If you need to compare yourself to someone, compare your current self to your younger self. Remember that everyone has their own insecurities, and it’s human to feel envy from time to time. Try to examine what’s underneath that feeling and what needs you have that aren’t being met, then brainstorm ways to meet them for yourself instead of relying on someone else to do it. 

Are you looking for more ways to improve your self-worth? Working with a therapist can help you shift negative core beliefs that you have about yourself so you can enjoy the benefits of high self-worth. Get in touch with our office today to get started.