How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

Self-care is such a buzzword these days that pretty much anything can be spun as self-care. Not everything you do in the name of self-care is actually good for you, though. Businesses have found that appealing to people’s need for self-care to be a very effective marketing strategy, and so the lines of what is actually self-care have become blurred. It can be hard to figure out if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

The purpose of self-care is to make you feel rejuvenated. Life isn’t only about being “productive”, but self-care in general should make you feel as though you’ve accomplished something. 

Avoidance, on the other hand, is draining. It doesn’t feel good to keep putting things off or pushing things away, because there’s always the fear that they’ll come back at any moment. 

What is avoidance?

Avoidance is a coping mechanism that people use when they’re trying not to think, feel, or do something difficult. The problem with avoidance is that it doesn’t deal with the root of the problem, it just pushes it down for another day. This can backfire, unfortunately. You may have experienced this before, where you try not to think about something and then it’s the only thing on your mind. 

Sometimes, doing something can be avoidance in one context and self-care in another. For example, if you have a deadline coming up to apply for a program, it’s probably not productive to spend all day playing video games. Those actions keep you from doing what is on your mind. On the other hand, if you’ve just finished up a big project and need to blow off some steam, playing video games can be a perfect outlet. 

Avoidance might be a way to self-sabotage, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. Imagine that you’ve been casually dating someone for a few months and you have developed feelings and want to get a feel for how they are feeling.  

However, you don’t want to open yourself up to criticism or rejection by putting your actual feelings out there - what if they laugh? What if they leave? The what ifs can be immobilizing at times, which is why avoidance is such an attractive option. Instead of having to deal with being rejected, you can do the rejecting by simply refusing to do anything.

Of course, that doesn’t solve the problem at hand - clarifying what the relationship expectations are, it just kicks it down the road to be dealt with later. 

In the scenario above, you might start to feel resentful that you’re shouldering the emotional burden on your own instead of being able to communicate openly with your partner. That resentment might lead to you wanting to spend less time with them or even ending your connection altogether.  

If you put something off or shove it down long enough, it will find its way out. Avoidance is a coping strategy, but it’s not one that works forever. After a while, you’re going to have to deal with whatever it is one way or another. 

So, how can you tell the difference between avoidance and self-care? Here are 5 questions to ask yourself to assess if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

What is the intent?

Most of the time, it comes down to the intent behind it. Avoiding behaviors often come up automatically without us having to think about it. Our brains do what they can to protect us, and they sometimes try to keep us from having to do or feel something painful. Self-care, however, is a more consciously made choice. Avoidance often feels mindless- like when you pick up your phone and then boom, suddenly 2 hours are gone and you don’t know where they went. 

Is this proactive or reactive?

Often, self-care is proactive, to help make life easier for future-you while avoidance is in reaction to something. An example of proactive self-care is making plans with your friends in advance so you make sure to have time with each other. Avoidance might look like canceling plans with a friend who you need to have a serious talk with. Is this action going to help future-you? Or is it helping you avoid something or someone? Be honest with yourself. 

What is underneath the urge to avoid? 

There’s almost always something underneath the urge to avoid something, and it’s helpful to do some digging to find out what it is. Maybe it’s fear of confrontation, or fear of rejection. Perhaps you don’t want to be criticized or pitied. Whatever it is, try to explore what is going on beneath the surface to get to the root of what’s going on. 

Is what I'm doing keeping me connected to the present moment? 

This is a great question to ask yourself to determine if you’re avoiding or caring for yourself. Avoidance is designed to distract you from what is stressing you out, so a lot of times it means checking out of the present moment. Self-care, on the other hand, brings you back to the present moment, or at least keeps you from ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. 

How do I feel afterward - more or less stressed? Numb or energized?

Self-care is supposed to help relieve stress, not add to it. It’s not only about taking it easy and indulging every impulse. Sometimes self-care is tedious, but it should ideally leave you feeling less stressed and more energized. 

Since avoidance is all about pushing away difficult feelings or situations, it often adds to your stress level overall. It is stressful to always feel like the other shoe is about to drop. Avoidance might even feel like numbness or fatigue, where you’re not sure what you’re experiencing. If you tend to find yourself feeling more stressed after engaging in self-care, there may be some avoidance going on.

The tricky part of this is that everyone’s self-care needs are different, and they change all the time.

You’re the expert of your body and your experience, so you might have an idea of what works for you. If you’re looking for more support as you develop your own self-care practice, working with a therapist can help. Get in touch today to get started with one of our expert counselors.