7 Tips for Coping with Parenting Stress

Being a parent is really hard.

It’s a lot to navigate the responsibilities and challenges of raising children, especially in a world as complicated as this one. Parenting, especially during the last four years, can be a bumpy ride. Dealing with the fallout of the pandemic and the way it strained caregivers, relationships, and mental health is no small feat. The way the pandemic strained our caregiving systems has left a lot of parents feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, and burned out with little relief. 

It makes sense that a lot of parents are dealing with stress and anxiety about parenting well. The world can be a scary place, and there are so many factors that parents today have to deal with that previous generations didn’t need to worry about, like social media and gun violence. It’s already nerve-wracking to be responsible for a whole person! Adding in the complications of life right now is a recipe for stress.

Dealing with parenting stress and anxiety is necessary for so many parents, but many don’t have the resources or the time to make changes to cope. It’s not right that parents are spread so thin, and there should be more protections for parents and families coming from our government–and there are a lot of people out there working toward just that. As change comes slowly, parents feel forced to do it all, often not knowing how to rely on their communities to fill in the gaps, which leaves them stuck with bandaid solutions to help lower stress levels–so they can get up again and do it the next day. 

Are you struggling with parenting stress and anxiety? You’re not alone. Below are some ways to cope with parenting stress and anxiety so you don’t feel so drained.

Be nice to yourself

It's easy for parents to be overly critical of themselves, feeling like they should be doing more or handling things better, especially during times of increased stress. However, it's important to remember that no one is perfect, and it's okay to cut yourself some slack. 

Practicing self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times. Acknowledge your efforts, even if they feel small.

Remember, you’re doing the best you can with the tools that you have, in challenging circumstances. It’s not possible to be a perfect parent, so learning how to be nice to yourself when you don’t get things right or struggle can help lower your stress levels. 

Remember to have fun

Being a kid is fun, and finding ways to connect with your child that make you both happy can help you feel more resilient to stress and anxiety. There are a lot of un-fun things about being a parent, but there’s also so many fun things to cherish. It can also be healing to take some time to look at the world the way that a child would, and rediscover that childlike wonder that makes being little so magical. 

It’s also important to carve out some time that’s just for you to have fun for yourself. It might seem frivolous to make time for fun when you’re stressed out, but denying yourself moments of joy can make stress feel worse. Moments where you’re happy and having fun can be rejuvenating to your well-being. Making time for yourself to enjoy things also sends the message to your kids that taking care of yourself is worthwhile and necessary, which is hugely important as they grow up. 

Manage your expectations

Don’t be hard on yourself for not getting more done in times of stress and anxiety. When things aren’t going well, it’s easy to feel like you need to do more and to be more, especially for your kids. It's natural for parents to want the best for their children, but it's also essential to set realistic expectations for yourself and your family. You may not be able to accomplish everything you normally would when you’re overwhelmed with stress, and that's okay. 

It’s okay to prioritize the most important tasks and let go of the need for perfection. By setting goals that feel more doable, you can reduce feelings of overwhelm and increase your sense of accomplishment.

Lean on your community 

We need community to survive so many things, and parenting is no different. It’s increasingly hard to raise a family without help from your community, whether that be family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, or someone else. Leaning on others for support can be incredibly beneficial in times of stress. It’s validating to talk with other parents who can relate to what you’re going through. 

Having a support system in place can provide emotional validation and practical assistance when you need it. Don't hesitate to reach out for help when you need it, and offer your support to others in return when you’re able to. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. 

Use resources available

It’s not right that parents have to work so hard to find resources for support, but there are options out there to try to help parents manage things. Your city might have resources for parents on their website, or there might be a local childcare council you can work with. 

There are also organizations, like Chamber of Mothers that are working to advance paid leave for all parents, quality, affordable childcare, and improve maternal health to try to approach these problems at the source. Parenting groups on social media, whether they’re local or widespread, can help parents find creative solutions to problems and also help them feel less alone. 

Work on mindfulness

Incorporating mindfulness practices and stress-relief techniques into your daily routine can help you manage stress more effectively in the moment and overall. 

Whether it's meditation, deep breathing exercises, yoga, or simply taking a few moments to focus on the present moment, mindfulness techniques can help you cultivate a greater sense of calm and resilience, which are powerful against stress. Find what works best for you and make it a regular part of your self-care routine.

Limit media exposure

It's important to stay informed about what’s going on in the world, but consuming excessive amounts of media can contribute to feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. Try to set boundaries around your media consumption, to give yourself a break. When you do consume media, prioritize sources that provide accurate information without sensationalizing or causing unnecessary distress. Consider taking regular breaks from screens and engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation instead. 

When the world is scary, it can be hard to stop scrolling because you don’t want to be unaware of what’s going on, but sometimes that can just heighten your sense of panic and stress. Remember that no one person can fix everything. Seeking out local organizations that are doing work to make the world a better place can help you feel like you’re taking meaningful action without just causing distress for yourself. 

Are you looking for more support with parenting stress and anxiety? Working with a therapist on parenting concerns can help you find more ways to cope and build your confidence as a parent. Get in touch with our office today to get started.

Managing Racing Thoughts That Keep You Awake

What are racing thoughts?

Have you ever been trying to fall asleep, but your thoughts just wouldn’t stop? One minute you were sleepily dragging yourself under the covers, and the next your heart was pounding and your thoughts were racing and your breaths were coming in short and quick?

Racing thoughts aren’t uncommon–we all deal with them from time to time. Some people experience them during the day, but often our daily routines and responsibilities and the general business of life keeps our minds occupied more naturally. 

At night however, suddenly your brain can’t shut off, you’re feeling all of that stress you didn’t have time to focus on during the day all over again without anything else to occupy your mind. Now, maybe even more so because now you have the added stress of not being able to fall asleep when you need to. This can also make your racing thoughts feel impossible to fight against–you want to sleep so you just lay there, but then just laying there gives more opportunity for your thoughts to race. 

What does it feel like to experience racing thoughts? 

When your thoughts are racing, it feels like an endless spiral you can’t get out of. Any attempt to end your thoughts just leads you down a new avenue for more spiraling thoughts, and on and on and on. 

There’s a physical response as well: pounding heart, increased sweating, and breaths coming in short, quick bursts. Your body is basically in a stress response, which puts it on high alert, making it physically harder to get back to that feeling of sleepiness. 

Why do racing thoughts happen?

Racing thoughts can be a symptom of a larger mental health concern such as: 

• Anxiety or Panic disorder

• Bipolar disorder

• Post traumatic stress disorder

• Obsessive compulsive disorder

• ADHD

If you’re experiencing racing thoughts chronically, take time to talk to your therapist and doctor, because there may be a larger issue to be addressed with medicine or therapeutic treatment, or both. 

But chronic conditions aren’t the only things that cause racing thoughts. Other things that can influence the frequency of racing thoughts at night can include: 

• Times of high stress: If you’re struggling in your relationship, navigating family, financial or professional stress, trying to juggle the stress that comes up around the holidays, spikes in your stress levels can precipitate an increase in racing thoughts as you’re trying to sleep. 

• Big transitions: A new job, moving, ending or beginning a relationship, beginning parenthood, etc. can all bring on major stress, which can in turn bring on the racing thoughts. 

• Some medications: If your racing thoughts began around the time you’ve started a new medication, it’s good to bring it up with your prescribing doctor. 

• Caffeine consumption: try to avoid caffeine after 6pm, drinking coffee or caffeinated soda/tea too close to when you go to bed can stimulate your brain and make it harder for you to fall asleep. 

What to do when your thoughts are racing: 

Mindful breathing practices:

Practicing mindful breathing helps both to calm your body as it slows and steadies with your breath, but it also helps you to reroute your thoughts away from the spiral and into the present moment. Some mindful breathing exercises you can try are: 

• 4-7-8 breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold your breath for seven seconds, release for 8 seconds, and repeat. 

• Box breathing: breathe in, hold breath, breathe out, hold breath, repeat. 

• Diaphragmatic breathing: Breathing from your diaphragm, inhaling as fully and slowly as possible, exhaling and repeating. 

Get up and do something (then go back to bed): 

There is nothing else for your mind to latch onto when you’re trying to go to sleep, so it’s easy to get trapped in racing thoughts.If mindful breathing doesn’t help slow your body and mind down, pick something small to get out of bed and do. Get something to eat, a glass of water, read a chapter of a book, do a few stretches. Give your mind an opportunity to get tired, then get back in bed and go back to your breathing exercises to help sleep come faster. 

Establish better sleep hygiene:

Create a routine that helps you slow down your thoughts and relax your body before bed. Adding a few minutes of calming stretching can help slow and deepen your breathing and allow your body to relax and it can also help you practice mindfulness which will in turn help you manage racing thoughts in the future.

Explore the root cause and long term treatment options with your therapist:

Whether you’re going through a period of high stress or a big life transition, getting curious about what is prompting your racing thoughts in therapy can help you better learn how to manage them. Or, if a more chronic condition is at the root, they can help guide you through the next steps for treatment. 

If you need more support, contact us today! Our therapists can help you address and resolve your racing thoughts. 

Why “Should” Statements Make You Feel Worse

Do you ever have a hard time relaxing or focusing because you feel like you “should” be doing something else? 

Should statements are a fast track to feeling discouraged, anxious, and even depressed. 

Should statements are a type of cognitive distortion, or a faulty pattern of thinking. Cognitive distortions are often so automatic that we assume they’re true and don’t question the messages we get from them.  

Some people might find reminding themselves of things they should do to be motivating, but many others experience it differently. For lots of people, focusing on the things they should do leads to feelings of shame, stress, panic, and inadequacy. It doesn’t feel good to spend a lot of time thinking things like:

• “I should be a better mom.”

• “I ought to eat more vegetables.”

• “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

• “I should be able to handle this.”

• “I should clean my house more.”

These statements lead to worry, rumination, fear, and shame. They make us feel like we’re not good enough. When you say you “should” or “must” do something, is that statement actually true, or is it a way to make you feel like you will finally be good enough?

So, what can you do about should statements? They’re a normal part of having a brain, but sometimes they can spiral out of control and make you feel like you can’t do anything right. When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by shoulds, here are some things to try: 

Work on self-trust and self-forgiveness

When you are trapped in a cycle of feeling like you should do something, it can be hard to trust your instincts for what you want to do. Remind yourself of things you do well or good choices you’ve made. When you trust yourself, you’ll feel more confident in your ability to respond to your inner critic. 

Learning how to forgive yourself can also be powerful in reacting differently to should statements. Forgiving yourself frees you from the endless cycle of guilt and self loathing that often accompanies should statements. It’s okay if you don’t do everything perfectly. 

Remember that you’re human

You’re human. You can’t do it all. We all make mistakes and do things we’re not proud of in life. Beating yourself up about the things you’ve done “wrong” in the past does nothing to change the future. Realizing that you’re a person, and you’re allowed to be imperfect, can be freeing. 

If you find yourself thinking in “shoulds”, remember that the first step to doing something about it is noticing what’s happening and you’re already there! When you can notice what’s happening and refrain from judging yourself about it, it’s easier to redirect your thoughts. 

Reframe your thoughts 

Underneath all the shoulds are feelings of inadequacy, or guilt, or shame, or fear. These are all painful emotions that we don’t always know how to cope with. It takes practice to react to these feelings in a new way, but it’s possible to redirect or reframe your thoughts. 

When you notice shoulds creeping into your thoughts, notice them, remember they’re not actually your only options. Instead of saying “I should eat more vegetables,” try saying “I could eat more vegetables,” which takes away the pressure and judgment. You’re not a bad person if you don’t eat more vegetables, but it’s an option if you choose to and it feels good. Motivating yourself in a way that feels good is much more effective than trying to motivate yourself with shame. 

Look for the nuance

Cognitive distortions like should statements view the world in extremes or with hard and fast rules. In real life, there are shades of gray, and there are options other than extremes. 

When your brain is trying to tell you that you can only do things a certain way, that’s a clue to take a moment and question what’s going on. Is what your brain is saying true? Is there another choice here? Explore what’s really going on before getting swept up in your initial judgment. 

Explore where your shoulds come from 

Try to notice that inner voice that comes up when you feel like you should do something. Where did this voice come from? Understanding where the shoulds you feel come from can be helpful in learning how to respond to them in a new way. Do you feel like you’re not living up to a standard? Do you feel like you’re spending your time on the wrong things?

For example, if you constantly feel like you “should” do things related to keeping things clean, think about where that feeling of pressure comes from. Did a parent or caretaker make you feel like you weren’t good enough if you weren’t tidy? Did you grow up feeling shame about an unclean home? Lots of times the judgments we make about ourselves originate from someone that made us feel not good enough at some point. 

If you’re struggling with cognitive distortions like should statements, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help. Our clinicians are trained in CBT and can help you reframe your unhelpful thought patterns so you can cope more effectively. 

4 Ways Mindful Breathing Can Help You Feel Better

4 Ways Mindful Breathing Can Help You Feel Better

Are you holding your breath right now?

It might seem surprising, since breathing is the one thing we’ve all been able to do since birth, but many folks have a tendency to hold their breath when they’re stressed or distracted. We breathe automatically for lots of reasons, and one of those reasons is so that we don’t have to waste our mental energy forcing ourselves to breathe to stay alive. While that is certainly handy, one consequence is that it’s easy to tune out your breathing to the point where you don’t notice it. Getting in touch with your breath through mindful breathing can help you feel better during times when you are stressed or upset.  

The first step to practice mindful breathing is to start noticing your breath regularly. You might not even notice when you start holding your breath or breathing shallowly. Shallow breathing often comes up in moments of stress or discomfort, when our bodies are preparing us to fight or flee. Try to notice the times when you’re naturally holding your breath or when your breathing gets shallow. Notice what it feels like in your body when your breathing isn’t as deep. Maybe put a sticky note on your desk to remind you to take deep breaths whenever you notice it. 

What is mindful breathing?

Mindful breathing is pretty much what it sounds like - focusing your attention on your breathing instead of letting it happen without you noticing. Practices like yoga or breath work focus heavily on the breath as a way to connect to the body and can help you to build the habit of tuning in to your breath. These practices can help you incorporate mindful breathing into your life regularly so you have a built in reminder to focus on your breath. 

Mindful breathing doesn’t have to be a whole production, either if that makes it hard to start. It really can be as simple as noticing “Oh hey, I’m holding my breath a lot right now.” and then deciding to take some slow, deep breaths. 

Why mindful breathing is helpful 

Has anyone ever told you to take a deep breath when you’re really upset? It can be frustrating advice because it might not seem like it will actually help, but deep breathing actually has a lot of benefits. Some of the benefits of deep breathing include: 

• Lowered stress levels

• Improved immunity

• Lower blood pressure

• Increased energy

• Better digestion

Here are 4 other ways that mindful breathing can help you feel better in moments of distress: 

Mindful breathing oxygenates the blood

When you take nice deep breaths, you not only give yourself something else to focus on besides your distress, but you take in more oxygen. The oxygen you breathe in is transported around the body from your lungs, which helps your body function more efficiently. This is part of why taking slow deep breaths can boost your energy - you’re properly oxygenating your cells, so they’re ready to be used. 

Mindful breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system

Another reason that mindful breathing helps you feel better is that it activates your parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system, or PNS is the part of your nervous system that comes online in times of calm. Your sympathetic nervous system, on the other hand, is what is activated in times of stress, and it controls your fight or flight response. When your body is stressed and ready for a fight (or flight), your body shuts down certain processes, like digestion, to conserve energy to defend yourself and stay alive. Deep breathing helps your PNS come back online, which restores your body to a state of calm. 

Mindful breathing you become aware of the present moment

In our increasingly distracted world, it’s a powerful skill to be present in the current moment. Mindfulness is a valuable tool that helps you learn how to direct your attention and encourages you not to judge yourself. 

The key with the mindful aspect of mindful breathing is to try to keep yourself focused on your breath. Notice each inhale and exhale and the space in between. Notice how the deep breaths make your body feel. Any other thoughts that come up can be gently pushed away. When you notice your thoughts wandering to other things, just calmly shift your attention back to your breath. 

Mindful breathing directs your focus away from distress

Not only does mindful breathing help to literally calm your body down, but it can be a great distraction. When something is stressing you out or making you uncomfortable, turning your focus onto your breath can help you feel less distress. Paying attention to your breathing and taking deep breaths gives you something else to focus on other than what’s upsetting you, which can help you calm down in the moment. 

The calming effects of breath work that we discussed above help your body calm down in a few different ways, and the space it takes up in your brain to control your breath forces you to shift your focus, which can be helpful in uncomfortable moments. Deep breathing has even been shown to reduce pain! 

It’s powerful to notice how what’s going on in your body influences your mental health. We often think of mental health as being just in the brain, but your whole body has an impact on how you’re feeling, and you can engage your whole body in your healing process. Working with a therapist who approaches healing through a holistic perspective can give you new insight into how to connect what's going on in your mind and body and how to use both to feel like your best self. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

5 Ways to Deal with Rumination

5 Ways to Deal with Rumination

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in the same thought loop, no matter how distressing it is? 

When you get stuck in a never ending loop of negative thoughts about a situation, you might be ruminating. This distressing pattern of thinking can be hard to break out of, but there are things you can do to help yourself when you find yourself stuck in rumination. 

What is rumination?

Rumination is “obsessional thinking involving excessive, repetitive thoughts or themes that interfere with other forms of mental activity.”

Rumination is different from other kinds of thinking in that it keeps you focused on the negative and is hard to break out of. Rumination becomes a problem when you can only focus on the negative parts of situations or when your thoughts become excessive or overly repetitive, because it causes distress. 

The key to rumination is that no action is taken to lower the feelings of distress - it just becomes a cycle of obsessive thinking without a solution. 

Why is ruminating unhelpful?

It's not always a bad thing to focus on something. Sometimes, it’s helpful to do some deep thinking about a situation. Thinking about things from the past can help you learn lessons from past mistakes and increase your level of self-awareness. Considering future situations can help you prepare yourself for what’s coming. 

Ruminating doesn’t help with any of these things, because it relies on inaction. When you don’t take action to either apply the lessons you’ve learned or prepare yourself for what’s coming, it’s hard to get out of this negative thought process. Rumination keeps you stuck in a state of worry and distress, instead of allowing you to move forward. 

The next time you get stuck ruminating on a situation, remember you don’t have to stay there. Here are 5 things you can do to stop ruminating and lower your distress: 

Distract yourself

When something distressing is happening to you, it’s okay to distract yourself from it. Distraction isn’t always the best solution to dealing with feelings, because it can lead to ignoring or repressing them, which can have negative consequences. When you’re stuck in a thought pattern that you can’t get out of, though, sometimes the best thing you can do is distract yourself. 

Distraction can help redirect your attention onto something less distressing, so you can break the cycle of rumination. Try watching a new show or movie that has an interesting plot or something complicated you can follow to take your focus away from what’s upsetting you. You can also try exercise, listening to music or a podcast, reading a book or listening to an audiobook, chatting with a friend, making art, cleaning, doing a house project, or even taking a nap. 

Make adjustments as needed 

Sometimes it can be hard to break out of rumination because you wish you had done something differently. Regret is complicated, but it can feel tempting to focus your attention on what went wrong instead of what you can do to prevent it from happening again. 

If this is the case for you, make a point of acknowledging what is painful about the situation. You can even say to yourself, “Wow, I wish I would have done that differently.” Instead of getting stuck in a shame spiral, though, remind yourself that there are things you can do to learn from this experience. Keep those lessons in mind and then try to forgive yourself for what happened. It might take time, but remember that everyone makes mistakes. You’re allowed to make mistakes too, and it doesn’t make you a terrible person. It just makes you human. 

Try a grounding or mindfulness exercise

Rumination is tricky because we often don’t realize it’s happening until we’re in the middle of it. One way to help is to try to bring yourself back to the present moment. A mindfulness practice can be helpful with this, as can grounding exercises. 

Not only will grounding or mindfulness help in the moment, practicing them regularly can help you in the future to redirect your thoughts  before you get too distressed. Grounding can help you become reacquainted with your body in the present moment. One common grounding practice is to use your senses to focus on what’s happening in the moment. Try naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This exercise will not only distract you from the distress of rumination, but it will also help you step out of the negative thought pattern you’re stuck in. The more you practice the easier it will be to use these skills when you need them! 

Stick to a time limit

Even when we have the best intentions to not ruminate on something, it’s easy to find yourself stuck in your thoughts. If you really feel like you need to ruminate on something for a bit, give yourself permission to do so, but set a time limit for yourself. 

Remember, rumination isn’t actually productive or helpful, it just keeps you stuck in the negative. Give yourself 20 minutes to focus on this, and then when the timer goes off, stick to your boundary and move on to something that will actually be helpful. 

Trust and believe in yourself 

Rumination can lead to lowered self-esteem because it keeps you second guessing yourself instead of moving forward. One powerful way to interrupt rumination is to remind yourself that you are capable and to believe in yourself. Think about it: you’ve survived every bad situation or mistake you’ve ever made. Even if you’d do things differently, you still made it through. You’re much more capable than you think and give yourself credit for. Having the confidence in yourself that you can get through anything can be like armor that protects you from the negative effects of rumination. So, you made a mistake. Who hasn’t? You’re still amazing, and you can still handle everything that comes your way. 

If you’re struggling with obsessive or distressing thoughts, working with a therapist can help. You don’t have to say feeling this way forever. Get in touch with our office today to make an appointment and get started. 

Getting Started with Hiking for Mental Health

Did you know just going out in nature is good for your mental health?

It’s true! Just going for a walk in your neighborhood counts too–anywhere there is some sort of green (trees and plants) and fresh air is good for your mental health. Lisa Nisbet, PhD, a psychologist at Trent University in Ontario, Canada told the American Psychological Association: 

“There is mounting evidence, from dozens and dozens of researchers, that nature has benefits for both physical and psychological human well­being. You can boost your mood just by walking in nature, even in urban nature. And the sense of connection you have with the natural world seems to contribute to happiness even when you’re not physically immersed in nature.”

One easy way to spend time in nature? Hiking! It’s a wonderful way to build both physical and mental health. Here are a few benefits of hiking:  

Benefits of Hiking: 

It gets your body moving:

While you definitely don’t need to be hitting the gym five days a week, it’s still best practice to find gentle & joyful ways to move your body–both for your physical and mental health. Our culture has an odd relationship to exercise, where it can very easily become toxic if not navigated intentionally. That’s why something like hiking can be such a wonderful way to fill that need for moving your body! No matter what experience level you’re at–whether hiking to you is a leisurely stroll through the woods, or an intense mountain climbing experience–there’s a way to make hiking work for you. 

It can also be a social activity: 

Hiking gives you the opportunity to explore paths all around where you live (or further, if you’re an adventure hiker!) If you have a favorite trail, inviting friends or loved ones, or taking a date there can be a great way to spend meaningful time with people away from the distractions of technology. 

It offers a chance for meditation: 

Spending time in nature is a great way to give yourself a chance to just slow down. Put your phone away (or pick a trail where you don’t get reception anyway) and use the hike as a way to engage with your senses, your surroundings and the present moment. What are you seeing on the trail? What sounds can you hear? Other hikers? Streams? Animals running through the woods? Wind blowing through the trees? Can you smell anything? How does the trail feel under your feet? If finding a way to fit a meditation practice into your day to day life is a challenge, using hiking as an opportunity for mindfulness can help strengthen your ability to slow down and stay present. And since you want to be enjoying nature anyway, hiking is the perfect time!

It can help you get to know your local history: 

Some hiking trails follow along historical landmarks or areas of local history, with placards marking different spots to tell you what happened there. You can also learn about what sorts of plants and animals are common and native to your area, learn the history of the trails and why they are where they are. Using hiking as an opportunity to get to know your local area can be a fun way to feel more connected to where you live, which reduces feelings of loneliness and isolation. 

Getting started with hiking: 

If you’re new to hiking, it might seem like an intimidating hobby. But you don’t have to be an expert adventurer to have fun on the trails. Here are a few tips to help you get started if you’ve never tried hiking before: 

Look up family friendly trails: 

If you’re unsure about your hiking skill level, no worries! Plenty of trails are designed for families, and are a great place to start out. Go on yelp or google or alltrails and look up family friendly hikes in your area and you should be able to find plenty of places to get started. 

Crowdsource hikes in your area: 

There may be a local hiking enthusiasts facebook or meetup group you can join. You can also make a post on a local subreddit to see if anyone has favorite trails to recommend. Even social and dating apps like Lex (a classified style app where you post about social groups/dates/community events) to search for good trails and new hiking buddies in your area! 

Work with what you have: 

You don’t need to go out and buy a bunch of outdoor equipment to get into hiking. If it turns out to be something you like, a comfortable sturdy pair of hiking boots might be a good idea, but other than that, if you’re just taking walks on local trails? Don’t worry about it! Start off with your best pair of sneakers and some comfortable clothes you don’t mind getting dirty, and just have fun! Remember, you’re not hiking to be the best hiker out there, you don’t need to level up every time you go out. Do what is comfortable and enjoyable for you. That way you’ll want to do it again!

Hiking has many benefits, for both your physical and mental health, and it’s a coping skill you can keep in your mental health toolbox for when you need it. If you’re looking for other skills and tools to help support your mental health, working with a therapist can help you find what works for you.  

How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

Self-care is such a buzzword these days that pretty much anything can be spun as self-care. Not everything you do in the name of self-care is actually good for you, though. Businesses have found that appealing to people’s need for self-care to be a very effective marketing strategy, and so the lines of what is actually self-care have become blurred. It can be hard to figure out if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

The purpose of self-care is to make you feel rejuvenated. Life isn’t only about being “productive”, but self-care in general should make you feel as though you’ve accomplished something. 

Avoidance, on the other hand, is draining. It doesn’t feel good to keep putting things off or pushing things away, because there’s always the fear that they’ll come back at any moment. 

What is avoidance?

Avoidance is a coping mechanism that people use when they’re trying not to think, feel, or do something difficult. The problem with avoidance is that it doesn’t deal with the root of the problem, it just pushes it down for another day. This can backfire, unfortunately. You may have experienced this before, where you try not to think about something and then it’s the only thing on your mind. 

Sometimes, doing something can be avoidance in one context and self-care in another. For example, if you have a deadline coming up to apply for a program, it’s probably not productive to spend all day playing video games. Those actions keep you from doing what is on your mind. On the other hand, if you’ve just finished up a big project and need to blow off some steam, playing video games can be a perfect outlet. 

Avoidance might be a way to self-sabotage, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. Imagine that you’ve been casually dating someone for a few months and you have developed feelings and want to get a feel for how they are feeling.  

However, you don’t want to open yourself up to criticism or rejection by putting your actual feelings out there - what if they laugh? What if they leave? The what ifs can be immobilizing at times, which is why avoidance is such an attractive option. Instead of having to deal with being rejected, you can do the rejecting by simply refusing to do anything.

Of course, that doesn’t solve the problem at hand - clarifying what the relationship expectations are, it just kicks it down the road to be dealt with later. 

In the scenario above, you might start to feel resentful that you’re shouldering the emotional burden on your own instead of being able to communicate openly with your partner. That resentment might lead to you wanting to spend less time with them or even ending your connection altogether.  

If you put something off or shove it down long enough, it will find its way out. Avoidance is a coping strategy, but it’s not one that works forever. After a while, you’re going to have to deal with whatever it is one way or another. 

So, how can you tell the difference between avoidance and self-care? Here are 5 questions to ask yourself to assess if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

What is the intent?

Most of the time, it comes down to the intent behind it. Avoiding behaviors often come up automatically without us having to think about it. Our brains do what they can to protect us, and they sometimes try to keep us from having to do or feel something painful. Self-care, however, is a more consciously made choice. Avoidance often feels mindless- like when you pick up your phone and then boom, suddenly 2 hours are gone and you don’t know where they went. 

Is this proactive or reactive?

Often, self-care is proactive, to help make life easier for future-you while avoidance is in reaction to something. An example of proactive self-care is making plans with your friends in advance so you make sure to have time with each other. Avoidance might look like canceling plans with a friend who you need to have a serious talk with. Is this action going to help future-you? Or is it helping you avoid something or someone? Be honest with yourself. 

What is underneath the urge to avoid? 

There’s almost always something underneath the urge to avoid something, and it’s helpful to do some digging to find out what it is. Maybe it’s fear of confrontation, or fear of rejection. Perhaps you don’t want to be criticized or pitied. Whatever it is, try to explore what is going on beneath the surface to get to the root of what’s going on. 

Is what I'm doing keeping me connected to the present moment? 

This is a great question to ask yourself to determine if you’re avoiding or caring for yourself. Avoidance is designed to distract you from what is stressing you out, so a lot of times it means checking out of the present moment. Self-care, on the other hand, brings you back to the present moment, or at least keeps you from ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. 

How do I feel afterward - more or less stressed? Numb or energized?

Self-care is supposed to help relieve stress, not add to it. It’s not only about taking it easy and indulging every impulse. Sometimes self-care is tedious, but it should ideally leave you feeling less stressed and more energized. 

Since avoidance is all about pushing away difficult feelings or situations, it often adds to your stress level overall. It is stressful to always feel like the other shoe is about to drop. Avoidance might even feel like numbness or fatigue, where you’re not sure what you’re experiencing. If you tend to find yourself feeling more stressed after engaging in self-care, there may be some avoidance going on.

The tricky part of this is that everyone’s self-care needs are different, and they change all the time.

You’re the expert of your body and your experience, so you might have an idea of what works for you. If you’re looking for more support as you develop your own self-care practice, working with a therapist can help. Get in touch today to get started with one of our expert counselors. 

5 Ideas for Soothing Your Nervous System in Tough Times

5 Ideas for Soothing Your Nervous System in Tough Times

We all go through seasons in life, and some are harder than others. When times are tough, it can feel like it’s impossible to make yourself feel better. Understanding how our nervous systems respond in tough times can help us come up with better ways to soothe ourselves when we feel distressed. 

It’s no secret that times are tough right now. Not only are we still dealing with the pandemic and its aftermath, we’re also dealing with war in Europe, rising inflation, climate disaster, and the biggest ideological divide in the US in history. In short: it’s tough out there. 

Even with all of this going on, most of us are still holding ourselves to pre-pandemic standards  of productivity, which is leading to burnout, resentment, and stress. This constant stress and fear can lead to our nervous systems being overwhelmed, leaving us feeling distressed and out of control. 

Why does my nervous system get activated when times are tough? 

You may have heard of the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is activated when we’re in hyperarousal - it controls the fight or flight response. Where the sympathetic nervous system brings you out of your window of tolerance, the parasympathetic nervous system brings you back down and helps you feel calm. 

When we feel threatened, our bodies take that seriously. This can happen even if you’re not consciously aware that you feel threatened. Whether you’re on board or not, our bodies look for ways to keep us safe at all costs. This can lead to several responses you may be familiar with: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. 

Humans are animals, and as such we have animal-like instincts that take over when we sense danger. 

Fight or flight is when you either prepare to run away from danger or toward the danger to engage. These reactions take you above your window of tolerance, into hyperarousal. 

On the other hand, when feeling threatened leaves you feeling numb and disconnected, you experience the freeze response. Similarly, a fawn response happens when you try to please someone else to avoid conflict. These responses take you below your window of tolerance, into hypoarousal. 

Ideally, we stay within our windows of tolerance because that is the state of mind where we’re most likely to make good decisions and meet our own needs. Going above or below can feel distressing, so the goal is to get back to that window of tolerance. 

What’s wrong with how I cope now? 

The ways we cope aren’t always supportive of who we are now and the goals we have. We learn coping skills when we’re young, and what we need to cope and feel safe as youngsters is often not the same as when we grow up. Running away or fighting aren’t how we tend to solve problems as adults. It’s hard to get things done if you’re stuck in a freeze response, and the lengths you often have to go to avoid conflict when fawning are exhausting. 

Even if a coping mechanism you use seems like it’s a problem now, remember that you developed it to keep yourself safe. It’s okay if it no longer serves you, but try your best not to judge yourself for doing what you needed to in the past to cope. Just as you learned to cope before, you can develop new coping skills that actually help you instead of causing distress. 

How can I soothe my nervous system in tough times?

Here are 5 things to try, see how they work for you: 

Move your body

Many times, bringing your focus back to your body can help connect your physical experiences with what’s going on in your head, and can help you feel less out of control. Moving your body is also a great way to shake off the excess energy that comes up when our nervous systems are activated. If you’re feeling numb or disconnected from your body due to hypoarousal, movement can help get you back in touch with your physical self. 

Sometimes intense movement can feel good when your nervous system is activated, but it doesn’t have to be difficult exercise to have a benefit. Anything that gets you moving around - dancing, cleaning, gardening, etc. - can help you feel better in moments of distress. 

Hum or sing

Did you know that humming or singing can help soothe your nervous system when it’s activated? Both humming and singing can stimulate the vagus nerve, which is basically the connection between your brain and your body. It helps control things like your heart rate and digestion. When this nerve is stimulated, it activates your parasympathetic nervous system and can bring you back into your window of tolerance. 

Since this nerve runs from your brainstem to your colon, right through your throat and past your larynx (voice box), it can be stimulated by your voice. When you feel like you need to soothe your nervous system back to your baseline, try singing or humming for a few minutes.

Play with temperature 

Using temperature to soothe your nervous system can also be helpful. Whether you feel your system is hyper or hypoactive, focusing on the temperature of something can help distract you back into the present moment where you can realize you’re safe. 

Try holding onto an ice cube in each hand or even taking a cold shower. Some people also find dunking their head into cold water can make a big difference in lowering distress. It might sound strange, but it gives you something else to focus on while your nervous system calms down enough to relieve your distress. 

Lengthen your breath

When we feel stressed, often our breathing rate picks up and becomes more shallow. It takes mindful effort to take deep full breaths when this happens, but it can make a huge difference in how you feel. 

Sometimes our breathing rate shifts without us noticing, and focusing on taking slow, deep breaths in and out can help with calming down. Breathwork is the practice of conscious, controlled breathing. There are many different breathing patterns that can help with various goals: relaxation, meditation, sleep, focus, and more. You can try different breaths on your own, like box breathing, or follow a guided breathing session on youtube or a meditation app. 

Meditation session or guided mindfulness session

Sometimes our nervous system decides it senses danger (like when life gets tough) and it feels like it takes off without us. Before we even know what’s happening, we’re in distress. That can be such a frustrating feeling. Our systems were set up to look for danger to keep us safe, but that system doesn’t always work perfectly. 

Sometimes our system warns us of danger that isn’t there, or shuts down to protect us when there is no reason to. When this happens, focusing on the present moment can help you regain your sense of awareness. Instead of your body and brain running away without you, you can remind yourself where you are and that you’re safe. It might even feel helpful to say to yourself “I’ve got this now,” or “Don’t worry, I won’t let anything happen to you.” Knowing you have your own back is a powerful feeling. 

Are you looking for more ways to soothe your nervous system in tough times? Working with a therapist can help you explore what’s going on in a holistic way, where we take your whole life and experience into account as we support you with your goals.

Therapy is a great opportunity to learn coping skills that you can take with you into the future, no matter what comes your way. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

Emotional Exhaustion: What Is It & What Can You Do About It?

First, what is emotional exhaustion?

Emotional exhaustion is pretty much just what it sounds like. It happens often in periods of prolonged or intense stress, and in general makes you feel an inescapable sense of fatigue. Because it’s an emotional or mental exhaustion, it’s not the kind of tiredness that will go away with a nap. And it’s tricky because it’s the kind of thing that can sneak up on you–you might not realize you’ve been in the midst of a long period of intense stress until you’re already overwhelmed. 

When you hit that point of emotional exhaustion, it doesn’t just impact your energy level or mood. It also can impact things like your relationships, your ability to engage in your hobbies, your professional performance, your patience level, your self esteem, and even your problem solving skills. 

When you’re emotionally exhausted, pretty much every area of your life is impacted. Some mental symptoms you may experience can include: 

• Cognitive difficulties: You’re not able to think as quickly, problem solve as effectively, and your imagination, concentration and memory all suffer. 

• Mood unpredictability: Emotional exhaustion means you’re not able to regulate your own emotions or self soothe as well as when you have rest and balance in your life. That means small things which normally might not upset you may now send you over the edge, causing big changes in mood or a sense that you can’t control your feelings. 

• Relational problems: Emotional exhaustion can also impact your ability to have patience, to be an active listener, your enthusiasm for your social life and relationships, and your strength in connecting with others. Overall, your social energy is extremely depleted. 

But that’s not the only way we can recognize emotional exhaustion! It also shows up in our bodies. Some physical symptoms of emotional exhaustion you may experience can be: 

• Trouble sleeping: periods of intense stress often cause sleeping difficulties. Emotional exhaustion also frequently is felt alongside a feeling of “brain fog” which can make getting out of bed in the morning difficult, which helps create an irregular sleeping pattern, and still often leaves you feeling unrested.

• Trouble eating: Emotional exhaustion can cause digestive issues, as well as big changes in appetite. The two combined and the impact they have on your body can also lead to weight loss, another physical symptom of emotional exhaustion. 

• Frequent aches: Whether by headaches, stomach pains, muscle aches, etc. frequent aches and pains can be a sign that you are not getting the physical or emotional rest you need. 

Can you prevent emotional exhaustion?

Preventing emotional exhaustion is all about balance and boundaries. Some common things that can lead to the intense stress that sets off emotional exhaustion are things like: 

• A demanding work environment

• Poor work/life balance

• Lack of self care

• Lack of personal resources (money, food, support) 

• Perfectionism 

• An unexpected life event

• Living with a chronic illness

While some things that cause emotional exhaustion are out of our control–like our access to resources, living with a chronic illness, unexpected life events or the demands of our workplace–there are some ways we can work to prevent emotional exhaustion before it happens. 

Finding where you can enforce firmer boundaries is the first step.

What is it that’s getting you exhausted? What’s overwhelming you? When are you noticing these symptoms come up? Are there people you could turn to for support? 

The next step would be finding things that help to rejuvenate you.

You need both relaxation as well as revitalizing rest. That means take time to do nothing so you can get a break from the pressure, and find ways to fill your time with things that bring you joy to help balance out any emotional drain you may be feeling from other areas of your life. 

Establishing routines that help you keep your time balanced, and seeking the support of a mental health professional can also help you to find ways to cope with emotional exhaustion when it happens, as well as to take proactive steps to avoid it. 

If you need support coping with emotional exhaustion, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

How to stop social media from making you feel bad about yourself

When you think of self care practices, do you ever consider your social media? 

While social media is great for so many things (keeping up to date with friends who live far away, finding new music or movies or other cultural events, staying on top of local events, just to name a few) it’s not something we should use mindlessly. 

And for every positive aspect of social media, there’s an equal and opposite negative action. Yes you’re able to keep up with friends, but do you remember that their lives aren’t as perfectly curated or posed as they seem on social media? Do you forget to check in with loved ones because seeing a facebook update makes you feel like you’ve already caught up? Do you get stressed from the information overload that can come with mindless social media scrolling? 

Just as with all other social interactions, social media requires a bit of intentional effort. We have to find out what works for us and what doesn’t, and we have to learn to take a step back when things aren’t working. But because social media is so ingrained in our culture, it’s easy to forget that this effort needs to be put in. 

If you’re finding yourself feeling bad more often than you’re feeling good when you use social media, it might be time for some major social media self care. Below are our top 4 tips for how to practice self care with your social media:  

1. Curate Your Feed

Who are you following on twitter or instagram? When you scroll through your feeds do you feel at ease, or anxious? Because we are able to take in so much information and content in a short time with social media, it’s important to make sure we’re being careful with exactly what kind of content we’re consuming. If you find yourself constantly frustrated or upset at a certain account's posts, remind yourself there is no social obligation making you follow them. 

Have you heard of the tidying method from Marie Kondo? The basic idea is that you decide what sparks joy for you from your possessions, and get rid of those that don’t. You can do the same thing with your social media feeds! While you scroll through, think to yourself, is this account bringing joy? Is it adding something positive to my life? Unfollow or mute accounts that aren’t. It will help keep your social media as a positive space, and leave you less anxious or tense after scrolling. 

2. Be Intentional with Your Social Media Presence

There is this idea that if we stay plugged into social media all day long, we’ll be better informed. But really, all this does is feed into our own anxiety and create a compulsion to keep checking and checking and checking our feeds. And when we’re too busy checking our feeds, we’re not actually engaging with the life, culture & experiences around us! Social media, after all, is meant to be a platform where you share parts of your life, not the main way you live your life.

So, like curating your feeds, taking time to decide which platforms spark joy can be hugely beneficial. You don’t actually have to be on every social media platform. Decide which ones actually add joy to your life. Do you like instagram because you can keep up with local events, or see how friends far away are doing? Or does it stress you out to see pictures of what everyone else is doing because it makes you get caught up in the comparison game? Leave the platforms that leave you upset after visiting them. 

3. Use it After Leaving Social Events

There is often a compulsion to keep everyone updated with everything you’re doing as you’re doing it. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to share a picture of you and your friends! But try to keep your social media time to the times when you aren’t otherwise socially engaged. Do your best to be present when at a party or event, and wait until you’re back home to share a post about it. That way you’ll be able to focus on actually having a good time wherever you are instead of just making it look like you had a good time on facebook. 

4. Take a Break

Sometimes, what you need is a good old fashioned social media vacation. You don’t have to delete your accounts, but try deleting the apps off of your phone. See if you can stay off them for a week. When we’re so used to being “on” all of the time, it can be hard to imagine a total break like that, but it might be just what you need. It will help to remind you that the satisfaction you get from scrolling through your social media feeds isn’t the only way you get social satisfaction in your life. And when you do get back on the apps, you’ll be able to keep it in perspective and moderate your time a bit more than before. 

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

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