How to Practice Reaching Out After Self Isolating

The problem with loneliness is it can be a self reinforcing perspective. 

We all feel lonely from time to time, but sometimes the loneliness grows so big, we don’t feel like we can escape it. When loneliness is that all consuming, our whole world view can become twisted by that loneliness, convincing us that our cruel, self-isolating thoughts are true. 

When we’re lonely, it can start to feel like there must be a reason for it, and that reason must be us. We start to feel like we’re broken and that it must be good, in a way, that we’re alone, because in such a deep depression it can feel hard to remember how to connect with others. 

The only way to heal our loneliness is by connecting with others–but like many unhelpful patterns, loneliness can become familiar, and the threat of the unknown can feel greater than the threat of loneliness. And the longer we self isolate, the harder it becomes to reach out to people. We feel shame at how long it’s been since we reached out, or fear that our loved ones will be upset with us–or worse, have no desire to have us back in their lives now that we’ve been out of them for so long. All of these things make it harder and harder to break out of self isolating once you’ve begun. 

But the secret truth is: you get a little grace when you’re struggling if you let people in. 

It can feel larger than it is. In your head, you may be remembering a text your friend sent a month ago that you never responded to. In your imagination, that friend is mad at you for ignoring them, and doesn’t want to hear from you now. 

In reality? Your friend has a hectic life too. The same thing has happened to them at one point–and it’s much more likely that they’ll be happy to get a message from you now, a month late, than to never get one ever again. And every time you give yourself a chance to be forgiven, you lay the foundation for more self kindness, and greater ease in relying on your support system. 

So how can you start to practice reaching out to others after self isolating? 

Start with a therapist: 

Therapy is a no-judgment zone, and can be a great starting point when you’re teaching yourself how to reach out. You can work through some of what caused you to self isolate, the fears reinforcing that isolation, and have a reliable support system to turn to when you start reaching out to loved ones in your life. While you have your own role in therapy, it’s not the type of reciprocal relationship we have elsewhere, so it can be lower risk to admit to a therapist than to a friend that you’ve been lonely and struggling. Then, with that practice and support under your belt, you can spread that practice elsewhere. 

Express gratitude for the relationships you reach out to: 

People can be much more forgiving than our imaginations give them credit for, but loneliness affects us all! There is a chance your friend or loved one may have felt rejected or dismissed or devalued in your absence–they may have taken your absence to be a reflection on them, rather than a sign you needed support. Letting your loved ones know you’ve missed them, that they’re important to you, and you’re grateful to be able to be honest and vulnerable with them can go a long way. It helps let your loved one know this time apart was not maliciously motivated, and can help reduce defensiveness so everyone can be open about what they’re feeling and what they need. 

Give yourself some grace: 

Don’t try to do everything at once. Small steps forward slowly and consistently are much better than big leaps that cause you to tumble. Reach out to one person at a time, add your regular activities back in one at a time, or try one new thing at a time. You don’t have to flood your calendar to stop self isolation. Call one more person this week, and start there! Don’t blame yourself for your loneliness–it’s common and normal to feel lonely. And it’s okay if it happens even when you’re reaching out to people. There’s nothing wrong with you. Lean into your support systems as you grow them.  

Do you struggle with reaching out to others, even when you really need it? You’re not alone! Working with a therapist can help you feel more comfortable reaching out instead of turning in when you’re struggling. Our therapists have appointments available now - click here to get started.