How to Practice Reaching Out After Self Isolating

The problem with loneliness is it can be a self reinforcing perspective. 

We all feel lonely from time to time, but sometimes the loneliness grows so big, we don’t feel like we can escape it. When loneliness is that all consuming, our whole world view can become twisted by that loneliness, convincing us that our cruel, self-isolating thoughts are true. 

When we’re lonely, it can start to feel like there must be a reason for it, and that reason must be us. We start to feel like we’re broken and that it must be good, in a way, that we’re alone, because in such a deep depression it can feel hard to remember how to connect with others. 

The only way to heal our loneliness is by connecting with others–but like many unhelpful patterns, loneliness can become familiar, and the threat of the unknown can feel greater than the threat of loneliness. And the longer we self isolate, the harder it becomes to reach out to people. We feel shame at how long it’s been since we reached out, or fear that our loved ones will be upset with us–or worse, have no desire to have us back in their lives now that we’ve been out of them for so long. All of these things make it harder and harder to break out of self isolating once you’ve begun. 

But the secret truth is: you get a little grace when you’re struggling if you let people in. 

It can feel larger than it is. In your head, you may be remembering a text your friend sent a month ago that you never responded to. In your imagination, that friend is mad at you for ignoring them, and doesn’t want to hear from you now. 

In reality? Your friend has a hectic life too. The same thing has happened to them at one point–and it’s much more likely that they’ll be happy to get a message from you now, a month late, than to never get one ever again. And every time you give yourself a chance to be forgiven, you lay the foundation for more self kindness, and greater ease in relying on your support system. 

So how can you start to practice reaching out to others after self isolating? 

Start with a therapist: 

Therapy is a no-judgment zone, and can be a great starting point when you’re teaching yourself how to reach out. You can work through some of what caused you to self isolate, the fears reinforcing that isolation, and have a reliable support system to turn to when you start reaching out to loved ones in your life. While you have your own role in therapy, it’s not the type of reciprocal relationship we have elsewhere, so it can be lower risk to admit to a therapist than to a friend that you’ve been lonely and struggling. Then, with that practice and support under your belt, you can spread that practice elsewhere. 

Express gratitude for the relationships you reach out to: 

People can be much more forgiving than our imaginations give them credit for, but loneliness affects us all! There is a chance your friend or loved one may have felt rejected or dismissed or devalued in your absence–they may have taken your absence to be a reflection on them, rather than a sign you needed support. Letting your loved ones know you’ve missed them, that they’re important to you, and you’re grateful to be able to be honest and vulnerable with them can go a long way. It helps let your loved one know this time apart was not maliciously motivated, and can help reduce defensiveness so everyone can be open about what they’re feeling and what they need. 

Give yourself some grace: 

Don’t try to do everything at once. Small steps forward slowly and consistently are much better than big leaps that cause you to tumble. Reach out to one person at a time, add your regular activities back in one at a time, or try one new thing at a time. You don’t have to flood your calendar to stop self isolation. Call one more person this week, and start there! Don’t blame yourself for your loneliness–it’s common and normal to feel lonely. And it’s okay if it happens even when you’re reaching out to people. There’s nothing wrong with you. Lean into your support systems as you grow them.  

Do you struggle with reaching out to others, even when you really need it? You’re not alone! Working with a therapist can help you feel more comfortable reaching out instead of turning in when you’re struggling. Our therapists have appointments available now - click here to get started.  

How to Ask for Help When You Need It

Do you feel comfortable asking for help?

If you struggle with asking for help, you’re not alone. 

As humans, we’re literally built for community, but that doesn’t make it any easier to ask for help when you need it. In our culture, which is so focused on individualism and the self, it can feel jarring to reach out to others for support and help, even when you need it. 

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

As we grow up, it becomes harder and harder to ask for help. Part of this is because as we get older, we become more independent and are more capable of meeting our own needs. 

Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, or lazy, or not good enough, or incapable, or anything negative. 

If you grew up with caregivers who found it difficult to ask for help, you might also find it hard to ask for help when you need it. If you’re someone who takes pride in their independence and self-sufficiency, it might be hard to admit to yourself, let alone others, that you need help or support. 

The idea that asking for help makes you weak or lazy is a fairly common worry for people, but remind yourself over and over that asking for help is a basic human need. We all do it, and the more you do it, the less strange it will feel. 

How to know when you need help

Remember that we all need help from time to time. We are built to live in communities where we help each other, even if that’s not how our society is currently structured. It’s natural to rely on others - no one can do everything on their own, forever. 

So, how can you even tell when you need help? It can be hard to even recognize when you’re in over your head if you’re not used to asking for support. Some signs that’ it’s time to call in help include: 

• Feeling constantly overwhelmed or burnt out

• Dealing with something difficult, like grief, stress, a traumatic event, or a mental health condition

• Being physically unable to do things for yourself

• Losing interest in things you care about 

• Emotions you don’t understand or that scare you

• Feeling unable to meet your needs 

So, how can you make it easier to ask for help when you need it? Try these suggestions: 

Practice checking in with yourself so you know how you feel

It’s hard to ask for help when you don’t know how you feel or what you need support with. Identifying how you’re feeling is an important first step, because it can clue you in to what you need. It takes practice to learn what certain emotions feel like for you, or the signs that indicate that you could use some assistance, but the more you make it a habit to check in with yourself, the easier it will be to figure out what you need. 

Think about what gets in the way of asking for help

When you need help, what is it that makes you feel like you can’t ask for help? Do you tell yourself stories like “I”m not good enough” or “Asking for help makes me lazy” or even “No one would want to help me, anyway”? We all have these knee-jerk reactions, about everything, and trying to untangle the helpful thoughts from the unhelpful ones can make a big difference. Remind yourself that we all need help from time to time. 

Know what you’re asking for

It’s hard to offer help to someone who isn’t sure what they’re asking for, so it’s helpful to know what you need help with in the first place. What is the issue you’re having trouble with? Are you asking for one favor, or do you need more long-term support? What are the smallest chunks you can break the need down into? 

Use DEAR MAN or other format to plan the conversation

There are many helpful ways to structure important conversations, but the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill “DEAR MAN” can be a useful guide for structuring the conversation. DEAR MAN is an Interpersonal Effectiveness skill in DBT that helps you plan out what you’re going to say in a difficult conversation. 

There are different approaches, based on what your main goal is for the discussion, but the basic structure goes like this: 

• Describe the problem or situation

• Express how you feel about it

• Assert your need for help

• Reinforce what’s in it for the other person to help you

• Mindfully focus on your goal

• Appear confident

• Negotiate if necessary

Approach people you trust and have a relationship with

Asking for help can be trickier when you don’t have a relationship with the person you need help from. As you build up your confidence in asking for help, start by approaching people you already trust and have a good relationship with. Asking for help and getting it can help you feel more comfortable with asking for help in general, and that confidence can help you in moments where you need help from someone you don’t know as well. 

Don’t beat yourself up for needing help

Finally, be nice to yourself when you’re asking for help. You’re not stupid, or bad, or wrong, or lazy, or not good enough, or whatever it is that you feel when you ask for help. Don’t beat yourself up for needing support - it’s absolutely human to need help, and it’s okay to ask for it. You’re doing a hard thing, and you should be proud of yourself! 

What to do when you ask for help and are told no

Everyone has different capacities for helping others, and there might be a time when you ask for help and the person you’re asking says no. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for help when you need it! It can be discouraging to work up the nerve to ask someone for something, especially when you don’t usually ask for help. 

Remember that someone being unable to offer help doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you, that you aren’t worthy of help, or that you’re a burden. It usually just means that they don’t have the capacity to help you at the moment. It’s okay to ask someone else, even if you’ve already been turned down, because it’s still okay to need help. 

Do you struggle with asking for help from others, even when you really need it? You’re not alone! Working with a therapist can help you feel more comfortable asking for help when you need it. Our therapists have appointments available now - click here to get started.