Is Perfectionism Holding You Back?
What is perfectionism?
“Perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks.” That is how Psychology Today makes short work of defining perfectionism. While simple, this succinct definition of perfection hits the nail on the head.
While achieving perfection sounds positive, the trait of perfectionism is actually more toxic than beneficial to our overall health and wellness–because, as most of us know, perfection isn’t actually possible to achieve. Instead, perfectionism is a trait that acts as a harsh, critical voice inside our heads, making us too afraid of failure or criticism to try new things, expand our world, or let ourselves be vulnerable in any way.
In essence, if you are a perfectionist, the thought of doing something incorrectly can hinder you from trying it at all. There is a constant fear of judgement, criticism, or ridicule in the back of your mind. You also likely attribute your value, your worthiness, your purpose, etc. to things that you can achieve. Due to this, the idea that you might not be successful at something new isn’t just a learning experience for you; it’s an experience that makes you question your value entirely.
Signs you might be a perfectionist:
You would rather not do something at all, than do it incorrectly
You’re specific about your process: things have to be done in a certain way or else they are wrong
You’re overly critical of yourself
You pay more attention to criticism than praise
Your standards (in work, regarding personal goals, etc.) are extremely high
You’re prone to procrastination
You invest too much time in something, often “correcting” mistakes that others don’t see
Success is never enough: no matter what you accomplish, you feel you can still achieve more.
Where does it come from?
As we touched on above, perfectionism is rooted in fear, which can essentially be boiled down to one general fear: that you won’t be enough.
Whether that comes in the form of not being smart enough to do something well, or not being creative enough to tackle a new project, or not being skilled enough to be an expert at everything, there’s is an underlying fear at the root of all perfectionism.
In the mind of a perfectionist, criticism isn’t just a tool that can be used to learn, grow, and get better. It’s a judgement on their worthiness, their quality, all of the core parts of their identity.
How does it impact our lives?
Obviously, this trait can have a huge impact on our lives.
Whether your perfectionism comes in the form of obsessively hiding your imperfections from others, or in trying to achieve perfection in all things, it can take a huge toll on the self.
If you are constantly worrying about perceived imperfections, you will be more concerned with how you’re appearing to others than actually taking care of yourself. Rather than making decisions based on what it is you need and want, you’ll make decisions based on how those choices will appear to an outside observer.
And if you are constantly trying to achieve (or at least project) perfection in all things, failure–or not being able to achieve absolute perfection–will feel devastating. In fact, it will feel so horrible that you likely will stop trying new things, stop allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and stick only with what you know you can do.
In either of these cases, it’s clear that perfectionism is a one way track to stopping our growth and self betterment.
How can we resist the pressure of perfectionism?
Learning to resist the compulsion for perfectionism is hard, and can feel very scary. But it is also an amazing step on your journey toward self care! While healing from perfectionism can be a long and arduous journey, there are a few things you can do for yourself to get you started:
1). Give yourself concrete reasons for change
This may seem silly at first, but make a pro + con list when you see your perfectionism rearing its head. How are you benefitting from the need for perfection? How is it holding you back? Maybe there’s a big project you need to be working on, but you know that you aren’t ready to do it perfectly, so you’re putting it off. The “pro” here is that you’re giving yourself a sense of reassurance that there will be a later time when you’re more prepared to handle this task, and you are saving yourself from immediate criticism. But how else is it impacting your life? In the “con” side you might out things like: putting this project off is making it harder to manage my time, I’m constantly stressed because I know I will have to deal with it later, I’m giving myself a shorter amount of time to produce something of quality, etc.
Be kind to yourself when doing this exercise. Remind yourself that your perfectionism serves a purpose–it likely exists to offer you some sort of protection. However, at this point in your life, the protection it offers is outweighed by the burden it puts on you. Giving yourself a physical list to show this can be a powerful reminder & motivator when trying to overcome your perfectionism.
2). Celebrate what you’ve done well
A big problem in perfectionism is that when a perfectionist is not 100% successful at something, they don’t just see it as an instance in which they failed. Rather, they see it as the turning point when they became a failure. Reminding yourself of things you have accomplished, jobs done well, even small victories, can help you to remember that even if you don’t succeed at one thing, you aren’t a failure.
3). Only compare yourself to you
If you’re trying something new, and you compare yourself to an expert, you’re obviously going to feel like you’re coming up short. Instead, use yourself as the yardstick to measure accomplishment. If you want to learn to play the piano, don’t compare your first day at a piano to Elton John now. Instead, think about how yesterday, you didn’t have the courage to even sit down at a piano, and now you’re actively learning! In a month, or a year, you’ll be able to look back and see what progress you’ve made.
therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va
Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!
Starting therapy can be overwhelming. How do you know therapy will be helpful? How do you find a therapist that’s right for you? What should you prepare for, in your first session? How much of therapy takes place in therapy, and how much work will you have to do outside of your one on one time? These are common questions, and we want to help you feel informed and prepared.