How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
How does comparison harm us?
Most obviously, comparison usually makes us feel inadequate. Particularly when we’re comparing ourselves to a carefully curated version of someone else's life (like their instagram feed). We see amazing or exciting things people are sharing, and if we’re not in the middle of something amazing or exciting ourselves, it can make us feel like we fall short.
But it isn’t just us that it harms. Too much comparison can also be damaging to your relationships. When you’re constantly putting yourself up against someone else–out of either admiration or jealousy–you’re not seeing the other person as a full person. You’re only seeing the one thing that is provoking an emotional reaction out of you (a picture of their vacation, a post about their promotion, etc.) It can lead to jealousy, even resentment in your relationship.
Another way comparison can cause harm is the way it leads you to over evaluate yourself. While self awareness is good, like all things it needs moderation. Excessive self awareness and self evaluation will get you stuck in your head, overthinking, and preventing you from actually meaningfully engaging in the present. If every time you have free time you’re spending it overthinking how your life compares to everyone else’s life, you’re not living it! Hyper-awareness of yourself and “flaws” will make it so you can only see those things, instead of the full picture.
So how do we fall into the comparison trap so easily?
A huge factor in modern life is social media. It has never been so easy to see exactly what everyone is up to at just about every moment of the day. That’s an enormous amount of information to take in! Even just on instagram, posts and stories make it so we’re constantly consuming the best looking and most exciting parts of people’s lives, as though that is their normal everyday life.
Another place to look is the people you surround yourself with. Are you constantly around overly competitive people? While a little competition can be a good thing, if your entire social circle is concerned with besting everyone they’ve ever met–of course you’re going to be constantly evaluating yourself and comparing what you find to everyone else. Make an effort to spend time around people who genuinely celebrate others–because attitudes are infectious! You will start to be able to enjoy other people’s victories without feeling like they are your losses if that is the attitude of the friends you spend time with.
So how can you stop the comparison game?
Reduce time on social media:
This is the big one! It’s also super hard because social media is such a huge part of our lives. But, if you’re willing to put in the work it can be massively beneficial to your inner peace. Here are a few ways you can do this:
Follow list audit: get really critical of every account you follow. What are they bringing to your feed? How does it make you feel? Unfollow, mute or block anyone that doesn’t leave you with a positive or contented feeling.
Time restricting app: Find an app where you can set limits on your social media use. Only go on social media during certain times of the day for certain amounts of time.
Delete apps or accounts: want to go all in? Quit cold turkey or take an extended social media break and see how you feel. You might find you don’t miss it at all! Or you might miss certain things about it but not all of it–you can use what you learn about your experience to curate your feeds to be only what you like and missed about social media when you return.
Explore the unexpressed need jealousy is bringing up:
If you’re feeling jealous, it’s most likely because you want something someone else has. This is a totally normal feeling! When there’s something you want that you don’t have but someone else does–well it’s only natural that it makes you feel a bit less than at first. But instead of letting the thought stop there, explore it a bit. Ask yourself, what actually is it that is making me feel “less than”?
A few examples:
“I’m not as beautiful as they are” Maybe you want to feel “beautiful” but what does that really mean to you? Could you instead be jealous of someone (seemingly) feeling so at home in their body? How can you help yourself cultivate that feeling?
“My life is so boring” Maybe you’re feeling a lack of variation. Happens to all of us! What can you do to add some variation to your life? Can you take a class? Try a new restaurant? Join a club?
This is another really hard one, because it requires us to challenge those comparative thoughts. It asks us to consistently show up for ourselves and say “I’m not less than this person, this feeling is just letting me know I want something I don’t currently have.” It can be really hard to detach that from the feeling of being less than, so use it as a guide map to getting what you want. Here’s what you’re jealous of, now brainstorm how to get it!
Compliment yourself indulgently:
A good rule of thumb: spend as much time congratulating yourself for things you’ve done well/tried as you do focusing on things that make you feel like you can’t measure up. Our thoughts form our world, so if you’re only thinking about things that make you jealous/upset you will feel that way all of the time. If you force yourself to recognize things that make you happy/proud/excited about yourself you will start to notice them more and more!
If you're looking for more support to stop comparing yourself to others, our clinicians can help you during this tricky time.
Have you ever considered the benefit of taking care of something else as part of your own self care process?
It may sound counterintuitive, but it’s true: creating routines where you tend to something else (a pet, a garden, a community project) benefits not just what you’re tending to, but your own mental wellness. Today we’re going to look at tending to plants specifically, but many of the benefits can come from making space to tend to other things (pets, community spaces, etc.) as well.