How to Overcome People Pleasing

How to Overcome People Pleasing 

Do you consider yourself a people pleaser? 

It’s important to treat other people with kindness and respect, but people pleasing goes beyond treating people well. People pleasing is when one person takes on all of the emotional and physical labor of a relationship in order to win the affection of the other person. 

Many of us grow up learning how to prioritize others over ourselves. People who might identify as people pleasers are often seen as pleasant and helpful and often get praised for their support, but people pleasing isn’t all positives. It’s mentally and physically draining to ignore your own needs in favor of everyone else’s. 

Trying to please other people at the expense of your own mental and physical health is a habit that’s hard to break. Overcoming people pleasing takes time, but it is possible. 

Where does people pleasing come from?

People pleasing doesn’t happen for no reason - it’s a source of validation and even purpose for some. It feels good to be needed. Many people who struggle with people pleasing are very self critical and have a negative self-image. Pleasing other people is a way to feel better about themselves and to feel connected to others. Some people might feel like if they’re not always doing things for others, their social network will disappear. It can feel very lonely to feel like your relationships aren’t reciprocal or to feel like you’re being used. 

It’s important to note the gendered and racial expectations we have around people pleasing. People pleasing is something that’s often expected of women and minorities, who may feel that they have to focus on others to be respected. Think about the unspoken expectations that many people have - who do we expect to be pleasant? Who do we allow to say no and have boundaries? 

People pleasing can also be related to a traumatic response. Some people experience trauma that leads them to adopt a fawning response, which can often include people pleasing as a strategy to protect themselves. Some children learn that they can get attention or positive reactions from their caregivers by 

Are you not sure if you’re a people pleaser? Do you tend to: 

• Ignore your own boundaries?

• Be preoccupied with what others think of you? 

• Feel like you can’t express your feelings when you’re upset?

• Say yes to plans or requests when you really don’t want to? 

• Expect yourself to smooth over conflict?

• Spend more time on everyone except yourself?

If any of these feel familiar to you, you might be dealing with people pleasing. When people pleasing is a habit, it can leave you feeling drained and resentful of the people around you because no one is giving you the same energy that you’re giving them. It takes time, practice, and self-compassion to overcome people pleasing, but it is possible. 

Here are some ways to overcome people pleasing:

Take your time 

When people pleasing is a habit, it takes time to learn how to respond in a new way. It’s helpful to intentionally slow down and avoid agreeing to things that don’t work for you. When someone requests something of you, ask for time to decide. Have a few go to responses ready to go so that you can rattle them off instead of feeling tempted or pressured to agree. Here are some phrases to try: 

• “Thanks for thinking of me! I’ll check my calendar and get back to you.”

• “I’ll let you know!”

• “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to, but I’ll text you later to confirm.”

Feel your feelings

People pleasing is a coping skill, and it can be a great way to distract yourself from feeling your feelings. Unfortunately, feelings need to be felt. When we ignore our feelings, they don’t actually go away. Eventually those feelings will need to be felt, and when you push them down for long enough, the resulting feeling explosion can be very distressing. 

Even though it’s painful sometimes, allowing yourself to feel your feelings can help you learn how to sit with them and the urge to please others as a distraction. With practice, you’ll learn that just as feelings come, they will pass too. Try to think of them like waves on the beach. Sometimes a wave is tiny and sometimes it’s massive, but either way, it always recedes. When a painful feeling comes up, try repeating to yourself that it won’t last forever. The feeling came, so it will go. 

Think about and communicate your boundaries

Recovering from people pleasing means setting and maintaining boundaries that work for you. It can feel impossible to set boundaries when you haven’t in the past, but try to sit with that feeling of discomfort. That’s a big sign that you actually really need boundaries! Everyone has boundaries, and you’re allowed to have them too. 

Try to think about the things that are draining you the most. Is it stressful to say yes to plans that you don’t actually want? Is it exhausting to deal with everyone else’s emotions and get no support of your own? It will be easier to set up boundaries that feel supportive if you can pinpoint exactly what is causing your distress. 

Remember, boundaries are about you, not about the other person. Boundaries aren’t about trying to change someone’s behavior, they’re about how you will respond in certain situations. If someone crosses your boundary, then you will do X. For example, if your boundary is that you don’t want to hear comments from your family about your weight, your boundary could be “If you make comments about my weight, I will hang up the phone or otherwise leave the conversation.” 

Take baby steps

You don’t need to shift from people pleasing to having completely rigid boundaries overnight. Try starting with small boundaries you can practice with. They will both feel easier to enforce and successfully setting and enforcing a boundary can give you the confidence to keep going. 

There’s nothing wrong with being protective of your mental health, and getting a few small victories under your belt can be really motivating to keep going. 

Be very nice to yourself

Setting boundaries and working on overcoming people pleasing can sometimes feel like you’re not being kind or that you’re selfish. When those thoughts come up, remind yourself that it’s not selfish to prioritize yourself. It actually helps you be more sustainably supportive to others, because you’re not forced to give from an empty cup. As you practice setting up boundaries and feeling your feelings, give yourself lots and lots of self compassion. Try to be as nice to yourself as you’d be to your best friend, or to a child. 

When you notice self talk, try to be kind to yourself and not judge yourself for feeling this way. When it comes up, say “It makes sense that I would feel that way, but what this inner voice is saying is not true.” and then try to move on instead of getting caught up in what your inner self is saying. 

Are you stuck in a people pleasing cycle? Working with a therapist can give you a safe space to explore being a people pleaser without judgment and find new ways to cope that actually work for you. Send us a message today to get started!