Navigating Relationship Shifts on Your Healing Journey

Have your relationships changed as you’ve gone further on your healing journey?

If so, you’re not alone. Embarking on a healing journey is a transformative experience for many. Whether you’re diving into therapy, growing your self-awareness, or making lifestyle changes to support your mental health, personal growth often leads to profound shifts in how you see yourself and your relationships.

Personal growth can be empowering, but it can also be isolating when you realize that the people you care about may not be on the same path or might not understand why you’re working toward healing. Perhaps they’re in a different stage of their own healing, or they’re not interested in exploring personal growth at all. These differences in goals and values can sometimes cause frustration and lead to misunderstandings and even conflict. Navigating the relationship changes that accompany your healing journey with compassion—for yourself and for others—is essential.

Why aren’t they growing with me?

One of the hardest parts of healing is accepting that not everyone is ready or able to take the same journey. Some of the reasons that people might resist personal growth or healing include: 

Fear of change

Personal growth requires vulnerability and discomfort, and that’s a hard thing for people to sign up for. Some people may feel safer sticking to familiar patterns, even if they’re unhealthy, because it’s what they know. 

Cultural or familial norms

Sometimes, societal or family expectations discourage self-reflection or emotional work. If there is a long history of family dysfunction, being the one to choose to heal can make you the outcast in the family. In some cultures, seeking therapy or talking about emotions might still carry stigma.

Unrecognized trauma

Not everyone is aware of how their past experiences shape their current behaviors, even if it seems obvious to others. Without developing awareness of how their trauma impacts them now, they may not see a need to change or grow. 

Limited resources

Healing, sadly, is often a privilege. Time, money, and energy can all be barriers to healing. Someone who is overworked, financially strained, or simply surviving day-to-day might not have the capacity to focus on personal growth.

Understanding why people resist growth and healing doesn’t mean excusing harmful behaviors, but it can help you approach others with compassion and empathy. When you’re upset at feeling misunderstood, remember that their reluctance isn’t a rejection of you, it’s a reflection of their own circumstances. Healing and personal growth often comes with new boundaries, values, and perspectives. While these changes feel positive to you, they can feel threatening to people who knew the “old” you. 

It’s painful when loved ones question your decisions, resist your boundaries, or dismiss your progress. Here’s how you can navigate these moments:

Acknowledge how they feel

Change can be unsettling for the people around you. Acknowledge that your growth might be confusing or even painful for them. For example, a friend might feel left out when you’re no longer available for late-night vent sessions, or a family member might struggle to understand why you’re setting firmer boundaries.

You can say: “I know this is a change, and it might feel unfamiliar. I really value our relationship and want to keep growing in a way that’s healthy for both of us.”

Explain why healing is important to you

Sometimes, sharing your "why" when it comes to healing can bridge the gap of understanding for your loved ones. If it feels safe to you, let them in on what you’re learning and how it’s helping you. You might say:

“I’ve been reflecting on how I’ve handled stress in the past, and therapy is helping me find healthier ways to cope. I’m working on setting boundaries so I can take better care of myself and keep my important relationships strong.”

Be kind but firm with your boundaries

Your boundaries are about protecting your well-being, not punishing others. They allow you to maintain relationships that matter to you over long periods of time. When you communicate your boundaries, be clear and consistent, even if loved ones push back. Then, make sure to follow through so that you can benefit from the boundary. For example:

• Boundary: “I will not be responding to text messages or phone calls shaming me for going to therapy.”

• Response to Pushback: “I understand that you feel strongly about this, but my mental health is my business, not yours. If this topic comes up again, I will hang up the phone / end the conversation.”

Be compassionate, if you can

It’s natural to feel hurt or frustrated when others don’t support your healing. But it’s also important to remember that their resistance often stems from their own wounds, not a lack of love for you. Compassion—both for yourself and others—is key. Try to remember that you probably both want the same thing - to figure out a way to have a relationship with each other that feels good. 

When close relationships feel strained in response to your healing, remind yourself that you’re doing your best. Healing is important work, and it makes sense that you want to grow. Your desire for personal growth is valid, even if others don’t understand it. Journaling, therapy, or talking to supportive friends can help you process these emotions.

Acknowledge their pain without taking it on yourself 

If someone lashes out or questions your choices, it’s almost always about them and not about you. Do your best to see the pain beneath their reaction. For example, a loved one might feel abandoned if your healing highlights areas where they feel stuck or have shame about their actions. While their feelings aren’t your responsibility, acknowledging them can defuse the tension.

Try saying something like: “It sounds like this change is hard for you. I’m working on this because it matters to me and my happiness. I care about you very much, and I’m here to listen.”

Practice how you’ll respond

It can be helpful to have some responses in mind when loved ones who mean well question your choices. Here are some polite but firm ways to respond when that happens: 

• “Why are you in therapy? Is something wrong with you?”

• What you can say: “I’m actually doing really well, and therapy is helping me stay that way. It’s a great tool for personal growth.”

• “You’ve changed.”

• What you can say: “I have changed, and I think it’s been for the better. I hope you can recognize that I’m still me, even if I do some things differently.”

• “You don’t have time for me anymore.”

• What you can say: “I’m sorry that it feels that way. I’m working on balancing my time better. Let’s find a way to spend time together that works for both of us.”

What can you do when relationships can’t adapt?

Unfortunately, not all relationships will survive your healing journey. Some people may be unwilling or unable to accept your growth. While this is painful, it’s okay to let go of connections that no longer align with your well-being. Letting go doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it means you’re honoring your needs. If this happens, give yourself permission to grieve the loss while sticking to what matters to you. 

Navigating relationship shifts during your healing journey is challenging, but it’s also an opportunity to deepen your connections with those who can grow alongside you. Remember, healing is a gift you give to yourself, and your experience can inspire those around you. 

If you’re looking for more support in your relationships with yourself and others as you work toward healing, our therapists can help. Reach out to our office today for more information or to schedule an appointment with one of our clinicians. 

Tending to Plants for Better Mental Health

Have you ever considered the benefit of taking care of something else as part of your own self care process? 

It may sound counterintuitive, but it’s true: creating routines where you tend to something else (a pet, a garden, a community project) benefits not just what you’re tending to, but your own mental wellness. Today we’re going to look at tending to plants specifically, but many of the benefits can come from making space to tend to other things (pets, community spaces, etc.) as well. 

So, how do indoor plants help our mental health? Here are 4 ways that caring for houseplants can help you care for your mental health: 

It helps promote mindfulness:

When you’re taking care of your plants, you have a chance to focus your attention on the nurturing that is taking place. Instead of your mind wandering around in a thousand different directions, you’re focused on the task at hand: which plants need care today? What do they need? Sunlight? Water? Do any need to be repotted or trimmed back? When you let your mind stay in the present moment, you reduce the opportunity for negative thoughts to land and stick in your mind. Taking care of your houseplants gets you into a regular mindfulness practice, which you can then bring to other areas of your life. It allows you to take the opportunity to slow down. We live in a hustle dominated culture, but that hustle isn’t always what is best for us! Tending to your plants requires care and attention so you have to slow down. . 

They give you reminders for your own care

Your plants need regular things like water and sunlight to survive; what are the things you need daily? You need things like food, water, and sunlight too, but what else? You need joyful movement, supportive relationships, opportunities for creativity and fun. Are your needs being met?

And sometimes your plant will need a change and you won’t know exactly what it will need. You might have to try a few different things to find the best way to take care of your plants; did you give it too much water? Not enough sunlight? A combination of both? It can be tricky to figure out what your plant needs and if you wind up giving it the wrong thing, just remember it’s all part of the learning process. This is also true for you. 

Easy companionship

Plants are living things! They have needs you have to get to know them to meet, they contribute to the well being and beauty of your space, and it’s important for the relationship between you and your houseplants that what each of you bring to the home is valued. 

But they aren’t like pets who require constant care and attention. Houseplants need us–we’ve taken them out of their natural habitat so it’s our responsibility to take care of them, but unlike a dog who might need multiple walks a day, someone to clean up after them, someone to devote a good portion of their day to petting and playing with the dog, etc. plants just need a good space to be in and someone to check in on them to make sure they’re getting enough water and sun. That makes them a good option for people who want something to take care of but don’t have the time or money to commit to a pet.  

They remind you small steps matter

Your plant isn’t going to fully grow overnight; it needs regular care. Watering it once and putting it in the window isn’t enough. This is a helpful reminder to us about our own wellness and growth: it’s a constant, daily practice. And each time we tend to our plants (or ourselves) matters and aids in the growth. 

Tending to houseplants has many mental health benefits, and it’s a coping skill you can keep in your mental health toolbox for when you need it. If you’re looking for other skills and tools to help support your mental health, working with a therapist can help you find what works for you. 

Why “Should” Statements Make You Feel Worse

Do you ever have a hard time relaxing or focusing because you feel like you “should” be doing something else? 

Should statements are a fast track to feeling discouraged, anxious, and even depressed. 

Should statements are a type of cognitive distortion, or a faulty pattern of thinking. Cognitive distortions are often so automatic that we assume they’re true and don’t question the messages we get from them.  

Some people might find reminding themselves of things they should do to be motivating, but many others experience it differently. For lots of people, focusing on the things they should do leads to feelings of shame, stress, panic, and inadequacy. It doesn’t feel good to spend a lot of time thinking things like:

• “I should be a better mom.”

• “I ought to eat more vegetables.”

• “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

• “I should be able to handle this.”

• “I should clean my house more.”

These statements lead to worry, rumination, fear, and shame. They make us feel like we’re not good enough. When you say you “should” or “must” do something, is that statement actually true, or is it a way to make you feel like you will finally be good enough?

So, what can you do about should statements? They’re a normal part of having a brain, but sometimes they can spiral out of control and make you feel like you can’t do anything right. When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by shoulds, here are some things to try: 

Work on self-trust and self-forgiveness

When you are trapped in a cycle of feeling like you should do something, it can be hard to trust your instincts for what you want to do. Remind yourself of things you do well or good choices you’ve made. When you trust yourself, you’ll feel more confident in your ability to respond to your inner critic. 

Learning how to forgive yourself can also be powerful in reacting differently to should statements. Forgiving yourself frees you from the endless cycle of guilt and self loathing that often accompanies should statements. It’s okay if you don’t do everything perfectly. 

Remember that you’re human

You’re human. You can’t do it all. We all make mistakes and do things we’re not proud of in life. Beating yourself up about the things you’ve done “wrong” in the past does nothing to change the future. Realizing that you’re a person, and you’re allowed to be imperfect, can be freeing. 

If you find yourself thinking in “shoulds”, remember that the first step to doing something about it is noticing what’s happening and you’re already there! When you can notice what’s happening and refrain from judging yourself about it, it’s easier to redirect your thoughts. 

Reframe your thoughts 

Underneath all the shoulds are feelings of inadequacy, or guilt, or shame, or fear. These are all painful emotions that we don’t always know how to cope with. It takes practice to react to these feelings in a new way, but it’s possible to redirect or reframe your thoughts. 

When you notice shoulds creeping into your thoughts, notice them, remember they’re not actually your only options. Instead of saying “I should eat more vegetables,” try saying “I could eat more vegetables,” which takes away the pressure and judgment. You’re not a bad person if you don’t eat more vegetables, but it’s an option if you choose to and it feels good. Motivating yourself in a way that feels good is much more effective than trying to motivate yourself with shame. 

Look for the nuance

Cognitive distortions like should statements view the world in extremes or with hard and fast rules. In real life, there are shades of gray, and there are options other than extremes. 

When your brain is trying to tell you that you can only do things a certain way, that’s a clue to take a moment and question what’s going on. Is what your brain is saying true? Is there another choice here? Explore what’s really going on before getting swept up in your initial judgment. 

Explore where your shoulds come from 

Try to notice that inner voice that comes up when you feel like you should do something. Where did this voice come from? Understanding where the shoulds you feel come from can be helpful in learning how to respond to them in a new way. Do you feel like you’re not living up to a standard? Do you feel like you’re spending your time on the wrong things?

For example, if you constantly feel like you “should” do things related to keeping things clean, think about where that feeling of pressure comes from. Did a parent or caretaker make you feel like you weren’t good enough if you weren’t tidy? Did you grow up feeling shame about an unclean home? Lots of times the judgments we make about ourselves originate from someone that made us feel not good enough at some point. 

If you’re struggling with cognitive distortions like should statements, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help. Our clinicians are trained in CBT and can help you reframe your unhelpful thought patterns so you can cope more effectively. 

How to Overcome People Pleasing

How to Overcome People Pleasing 

Do you consider yourself a people pleaser? 

It’s important to treat other people with kindness and respect, but people pleasing goes beyond treating people well. People pleasing is when one person takes on all of the emotional and physical labor of a relationship in order to win the affection of the other person. 

Many of us grow up learning how to prioritize others over ourselves. People who might identify as people pleasers are often seen as pleasant and helpful and often get praised for their support, but people pleasing isn’t all positives. It’s mentally and physically draining to ignore your own needs in favor of everyone else’s. 

Trying to please other people at the expense of your own mental and physical health is a habit that’s hard to break. Overcoming people pleasing takes time, but it is possible. 

Where does people pleasing come from?

People pleasing doesn’t happen for no reason - it’s a source of validation and even purpose for some. It feels good to be needed. Many people who struggle with people pleasing are very self critical and have a negative self-image. Pleasing other people is a way to feel better about themselves and to feel connected to others. Some people might feel like if they’re not always doing things for others, their social network will disappear. It can feel very lonely to feel like your relationships aren’t reciprocal or to feel like you’re being used. 

It’s important to note the gendered and racial expectations we have around people pleasing. People pleasing is something that’s often expected of women and minorities, who may feel that they have to focus on others to be respected. Think about the unspoken expectations that many people have - who do we expect to be pleasant? Who do we allow to say no and have boundaries? 

People pleasing can also be related to a traumatic response. Some people experience trauma that leads them to adopt a fawning response, which can often include people pleasing as a strategy to protect themselves. Some children learn that they can get attention or positive reactions from their caregivers by 

Are you not sure if you’re a people pleaser? Do you tend to: 

• Ignore your own boundaries?

• Be preoccupied with what others think of you? 

• Feel like you can’t express your feelings when you’re upset?

• Say yes to plans or requests when you really don’t want to? 

• Expect yourself to smooth over conflict?

• Spend more time on everyone except yourself?

If any of these feel familiar to you, you might be dealing with people pleasing. When people pleasing is a habit, it can leave you feeling drained and resentful of the people around you because no one is giving you the same energy that you’re giving them. It takes time, practice, and self-compassion to overcome people pleasing, but it is possible. 

Here are some ways to overcome people pleasing:

Take your time 

When people pleasing is a habit, it takes time to learn how to respond in a new way. It’s helpful to intentionally slow down and avoid agreeing to things that don’t work for you. When someone requests something of you, ask for time to decide. Have a few go to responses ready to go so that you can rattle them off instead of feeling tempted or pressured to agree. Here are some phrases to try: 

• “Thanks for thinking of me! I’ll check my calendar and get back to you.”

• “I’ll let you know!”

• “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to, but I’ll text you later to confirm.”

Feel your feelings

People pleasing is a coping skill, and it can be a great way to distract yourself from feeling your feelings. Unfortunately, feelings need to be felt. When we ignore our feelings, they don’t actually go away. Eventually those feelings will need to be felt, and when you push them down for long enough, the resulting feeling explosion can be very distressing. 

Even though it’s painful sometimes, allowing yourself to feel your feelings can help you learn how to sit with them and the urge to please others as a distraction. With practice, you’ll learn that just as feelings come, they will pass too. Try to think of them like waves on the beach. Sometimes a wave is tiny and sometimes it’s massive, but either way, it always recedes. When a painful feeling comes up, try repeating to yourself that it won’t last forever. The feeling came, so it will go. 

Think about and communicate your boundaries

Recovering from people pleasing means setting and maintaining boundaries that work for you. It can feel impossible to set boundaries when you haven’t in the past, but try to sit with that feeling of discomfort. That’s a big sign that you actually really need boundaries! Everyone has boundaries, and you’re allowed to have them too. 

Try to think about the things that are draining you the most. Is it stressful to say yes to plans that you don’t actually want? Is it exhausting to deal with everyone else’s emotions and get no support of your own? It will be easier to set up boundaries that feel supportive if you can pinpoint exactly what is causing your distress. 

Remember, boundaries are about you, not about the other person. Boundaries aren’t about trying to change someone’s behavior, they’re about how you will respond in certain situations. If someone crosses your boundary, then you will do X. For example, if your boundary is that you don’t want to hear comments from your family about your weight, your boundary could be “If you make comments about my weight, I will hang up the phone or otherwise leave the conversation.” 

Take baby steps

You don’t need to shift from people pleasing to having completely rigid boundaries overnight. Try starting with small boundaries you can practice with. They will both feel easier to enforce and successfully setting and enforcing a boundary can give you the confidence to keep going. 

There’s nothing wrong with being protective of your mental health, and getting a few small victories under your belt can be really motivating to keep going. 

Be very nice to yourself

Setting boundaries and working on overcoming people pleasing can sometimes feel like you’re not being kind or that you’re selfish. When those thoughts come up, remind yourself that it’s not selfish to prioritize yourself. It actually helps you be more sustainably supportive to others, because you’re not forced to give from an empty cup. As you practice setting up boundaries and feeling your feelings, give yourself lots and lots of self compassion. Try to be as nice to yourself as you’d be to your best friend, or to a child. 

When you notice self talk, try to be kind to yourself and not judge yourself for feeling this way. When it comes up, say “It makes sense that I would feel that way, but what this inner voice is saying is not true.” and then try to move on instead of getting caught up in what your inner self is saying. 

Are you stuck in a people pleasing cycle? Working with a therapist can give you a safe space to explore being a people pleaser without judgment and find new ways to cope that actually work for you. Send us a message today to get started! 

3 Ways to Build Interoceptive Awareness

3 Ways to Build Interoceptive Awareness 

Did you know that you have way more than 5 senses? 

When we were little, most of us learned that we had five senses - sight, taste, hearing, smell, and touch. In fact, there are many more ways that our bodies pick up on information in the world around us and make sense of what’s going on. 

Some of the less commonly understood senses are proprioception (sensing where your body parts are in space), thermoception (sensing temperature), nociception (sensing pain), equilibrioception (sensing balance), and interoception (sensing what’s happening in your body). Interoception, in particular, can play a role in decoding the emotional messages we’re getting from our bodies.

What is interoception? 

Interoception is being in touch with what’s going on in your body. It’s a mind-body connection that lets us tune in to the messages that our bodies send us. When we have experiences, our bodies are often heavily involved, but many of us don’t have a lot of practice translating what they have to say. Decoding the interoceptive signals that our bodies send us is something that comes with practice and patience. 

Interoception allows us to feel things like: 

• Hunger 

• Thirst

• Urge to use the bathroom

• Emotions

• Tired

• Itchiness

• Heart rate

• Muscle tension

• Body temperature 

Many of us are more disconnected from our bodies than we realize.

It’s a cultural norm, for example, to learn to ignore body cues about hunger and fullness in order to meet beauty expectations. It’s such a struggle to learn how to tune in to the messages your body gives you about its hunger needs that there’s a whole framework called intuitive eating that teaches people how to re-learn those signals. 

Some people are disconnected from their bodies for painful reasons. Folks who live with chronic pain may not be able to handle being fully present in their body when it is in pain, so may feel easier to ignore those body messages. Survivors of trauma may not feel safe in their bodies and so may not know if they can trust the messages they’re receiving. 

We all have a level of interoceptive awareness, or the ability to understand the messages we get from our bodies. Some people have lower levels of awareness of their internal body sensations, or lower interoceptive awareness. The messages our bodies send us can be tricky to understand if you’re not sure what to look for, but it’s possible to increase your level of interoceptive awareness. 

Why interoceptive awareness is helpful for mental health

It would be helpful if our bodies and our brains spoke the same language, but they often don’t. The messages our bodies send us come in what are known as interoceptive signals, and they can be easy to miss if you don’t know what you’re looking for. These interoceptive signals help us identify our emotions, which is an important step in emotional regulation.

For example, let’s say you’re frustrated about something. You might have a sense of unease that you’re picking up on, but you’re not sure where it’s coming from. It could be mistaken for fear or anger. There might be subtle signals that set it apart from the other emotions, but if you don’t pick up on them, it might take you longer to get to the bottom of what’s going on. Some signs to look out for that distinguish your feeling of frustration could be:

• The level of tension in your muscles (are your muscles tense, like you’re ready to run or strike? Or are you feeling more relaxed?)

• How fast your heart rate is (often your heart rate will speed up when you’re afraid or angry)

• Feeling hungry or thirsty (if you’re afraid, often your sense of hunger will disappear as fight or flight kicks in)

• Feeling tightness somewhere in your body (some people experience frustration as a tightness in their chest or throat)

It can feel like a full time job just trying to ride the waves of your changing emotions sometimes, but emotional regulation is even harder when we can’t name the emotions we’re feeling.  It’s hard to regulate something you can’t name, because you don’t know what to look for. When you are able to read the messages from your body, though, it becomes easier to regulate what you’re feeling. 

How to strengthen your sense of interoception

It takes practice to learn how to engage the sense of interoception. Interoceptive awareness builds with time, so the more you can be curious about what’s going on in your body, the better. Here are 3 other ways to strengthen your sense of interoception. 

Practice mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness is often one of our suggestions, because it really makes a difference. Learning how to focus your attention on the present moment is an important skill that is a foundation for mental wellness. 

Instead of letting your thoughts or feelings carry you away, practicing mindfulness teaches you how to notice and name what you experience. It also helps you learn how to let go of judgments you have of yourself. We tend to judge ourselves a lot more than we’d ever judge anyone else. That sense of judgment can make it hard to fully express yourself, even to yourself. 

To build up your sense of body awareness, try a body scan meditation or a grounding exercise that focuses on the senses. These will help you get in the habit of checking in with your body as you check in with your mind. 

Connect body signals with emotions

Sadly, many of us don’t learn how to notice and name our emotions until they’re causing us distress. We can feel a wide range of emotions as humans, and sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint which one you’re experiencing. It may be easier for you to identify your emotions if you’re able to connect the signals of your body with the emotions you feel. This not only helps you tune into the signals from your body, but it helps you understand how you personally experience each emotion, which will make it easier to identify in the future. 

It may be helpful to consult an emotion wheel to pinpoint which emotion you’re feeling. This is a fantastic one because it links emotions and sensations, so if you’re not sure what you’re feeling, you can explore the sensations you’re experiencing and try to determine your emotions from that angle instead.

Practice body curiosity

Occupational Therapist and interoception expert Kelly Mahler recommends practicing body curiosity to build your interoceptive awareness. Body curiosity is what it sounds like - practicing being curious about your body. The key with body curiosity is to remove judgment from the equation. There’s nothing your body is doing that is bad or wrong, it’s all just information. When you can remove the layer of judgment, it’s easier to be honest with yourself and understand what is really going on. This is especially helpful to teach to young ones as they grow so it’s a habit for them to check in with their bodies without judgment. 

Try keeping a body curiosity journal to get in the habit of checking in with your body. You can quickly note what your body feels like during daily activities, so you can pick out patterns and learn more about how you physically experience emotions.

There are many different ways to support your mental health, and learning more about how to listen to the messages your body is telling you is one. It builds trust between you and your body when you make an effort to be a loving parent to yourself. Working with a therapist can help you uncover more ways to support your mental health that work for you and your lifestyle. Call or email us today to get started. 

5 Ideas for Soothing Your Nervous System in Tough Times

5 Ideas for Soothing Your Nervous System in Tough Times

We all go through seasons in life, and some are harder than others. When times are tough, it can feel like it’s impossible to make yourself feel better. Understanding how our nervous systems respond in tough times can help us come up with better ways to soothe ourselves when we feel distressed. 

It’s no secret that times are tough right now. Not only are we still dealing with the pandemic and its aftermath, we’re also dealing with war in Europe, rising inflation, climate disaster, and the biggest ideological divide in the US in history. In short: it’s tough out there. 

Even with all of this going on, most of us are still holding ourselves to pre-pandemic standards  of productivity, which is leading to burnout, resentment, and stress. This constant stress and fear can lead to our nervous systems being overwhelmed, leaving us feeling distressed and out of control. 

Why does my nervous system get activated when times are tough? 

You may have heard of the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is activated when we’re in hyperarousal - it controls the fight or flight response. Where the sympathetic nervous system brings you out of your window of tolerance, the parasympathetic nervous system brings you back down and helps you feel calm. 

When we feel threatened, our bodies take that seriously. This can happen even if you’re not consciously aware that you feel threatened. Whether you’re on board or not, our bodies look for ways to keep us safe at all costs. This can lead to several responses you may be familiar with: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. 

Humans are animals, and as such we have animal-like instincts that take over when we sense danger. 

Fight or flight is when you either prepare to run away from danger or toward the danger to engage. These reactions take you above your window of tolerance, into hyperarousal. 

On the other hand, when feeling threatened leaves you feeling numb and disconnected, you experience the freeze response. Similarly, a fawn response happens when you try to please someone else to avoid conflict. These responses take you below your window of tolerance, into hypoarousal. 

Ideally, we stay within our windows of tolerance because that is the state of mind where we’re most likely to make good decisions and meet our own needs. Going above or below can feel distressing, so the goal is to get back to that window of tolerance. 

What’s wrong with how I cope now? 

The ways we cope aren’t always supportive of who we are now and the goals we have. We learn coping skills when we’re young, and what we need to cope and feel safe as youngsters is often not the same as when we grow up. Running away or fighting aren’t how we tend to solve problems as adults. It’s hard to get things done if you’re stuck in a freeze response, and the lengths you often have to go to avoid conflict when fawning are exhausting. 

Even if a coping mechanism you use seems like it’s a problem now, remember that you developed it to keep yourself safe. It’s okay if it no longer serves you, but try your best not to judge yourself for doing what you needed to in the past to cope. Just as you learned to cope before, you can develop new coping skills that actually help you instead of causing distress. 

How can I soothe my nervous system in tough times?

Here are 5 things to try, see how they work for you: 

Move your body

Many times, bringing your focus back to your body can help connect your physical experiences with what’s going on in your head, and can help you feel less out of control. Moving your body is also a great way to shake off the excess energy that comes up when our nervous systems are activated. If you’re feeling numb or disconnected from your body due to hypoarousal, movement can help get you back in touch with your physical self. 

Sometimes intense movement can feel good when your nervous system is activated, but it doesn’t have to be difficult exercise to have a benefit. Anything that gets you moving around - dancing, cleaning, gardening, etc. - can help you feel better in moments of distress. 

Hum or sing

Did you know that humming or singing can help soothe your nervous system when it’s activated? Both humming and singing can stimulate the vagus nerve, which is basically the connection between your brain and your body. It helps control things like your heart rate and digestion. When this nerve is stimulated, it activates your parasympathetic nervous system and can bring you back into your window of tolerance. 

Since this nerve runs from your brainstem to your colon, right through your throat and past your larynx (voice box), it can be stimulated by your voice. When you feel like you need to soothe your nervous system back to your baseline, try singing or humming for a few minutes.

Play with temperature 

Using temperature to soothe your nervous system can also be helpful. Whether you feel your system is hyper or hypoactive, focusing on the temperature of something can help distract you back into the present moment where you can realize you’re safe. 

Try holding onto an ice cube in each hand or even taking a cold shower. Some people also find dunking their head into cold water can make a big difference in lowering distress. It might sound strange, but it gives you something else to focus on while your nervous system calms down enough to relieve your distress. 

Lengthen your breath

When we feel stressed, often our breathing rate picks up and becomes more shallow. It takes mindful effort to take deep full breaths when this happens, but it can make a huge difference in how you feel. 

Sometimes our breathing rate shifts without us noticing, and focusing on taking slow, deep breaths in and out can help with calming down. Breathwork is the practice of conscious, controlled breathing. There are many different breathing patterns that can help with various goals: relaxation, meditation, sleep, focus, and more. You can try different breaths on your own, like box breathing, or follow a guided breathing session on youtube or a meditation app. 

Meditation session or guided mindfulness session

Sometimes our nervous system decides it senses danger (like when life gets tough) and it feels like it takes off without us. Before we even know what’s happening, we’re in distress. That can be such a frustrating feeling. Our systems were set up to look for danger to keep us safe, but that system doesn’t always work perfectly. 

Sometimes our system warns us of danger that isn’t there, or shuts down to protect us when there is no reason to. When this happens, focusing on the present moment can help you regain your sense of awareness. Instead of your body and brain running away without you, you can remind yourself where you are and that you’re safe. It might even feel helpful to say to yourself “I’ve got this now,” or “Don’t worry, I won’t let anything happen to you.” Knowing you have your own back is a powerful feeling. 

Are you looking for more ways to soothe your nervous system in tough times? Working with a therapist can help you explore what’s going on in a holistic way, where we take your whole life and experience into account as we support you with your goals.

Therapy is a great opportunity to learn coping skills that you can take with you into the future, no matter what comes your way. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

5 Ways to Improve Your Self-Worth

5 Ways to Improve Your Self-Worth

How do you feel about yourself? 

That’s definitely a loaded question for a lot of people. We often hear of the importance of building healthy self-esteem and self-worth, but it can be harder to put into practice than you expect. 

What’s the difference between self-esteem and self-worth?

Many of us have heard the terms self-esteem and self-worth before, but it’s not always clear what the difference between them is. They’re often used interchangeably, but they actually mean different things. 

Self-esteem is the way we feel about ourselves in the moment. Self-worth, on the other hand, describes knowing that you are a person of value who has worth, no matter what your self-esteem looks like. Self-worth is a broader term and is generally more permanent than self-esteem, which can vary based on circumstance. Self-worth comes from within, whereas self-esteem comes from the world around you. 

Self-esteem is more temporary than self-worth. They don’t always relate to one another the way you expect they would. It’s possible to have high self-esteem and self-worth at the same time, but it’s also possible to have low self-esteem and high self-worth, or vice versa. Although they have some commonalities, each plays a role in the way we feel about ourselves. 

How can you have low self-esteem but high self-worth?

It might sound strange that it’s possible to have low self-esteem but high self-worth. However, since self-worth is a foundational belief that you are innately worthy, no matter what else is going on, it’s less easily influenced by external or internal factors. Self-worth is a core belief that you are worthy and have value. Even if you’re having a bad day or week, and your self-esteem has taken a hit because of your current circumstances, you still understand your worth and value as a person. 

Developing a healthy sense of self-worth can help you be more resilient in times of distress or change. When you understand that nothing can change the worth you have as a person, it can be a freeing feeling. 

It might be hard for you to believe that you have inherent value and worth, especially if you’ve been sending yourself the opposite message for a long time. 

What is it like when you have high self-worth?

People who have a high sense of self-worth are more likely to:

• Fundamentally believe that they are worthy and loveable

• Understand that they deserve love and respect

• Realize that being imperfect and making mistakes doesn’t take away from self-worth

• Treat themselves with self-compassion

• Show themselves kindness and respect

• Believe that they have the power to learn and grow

If you’re looking to improve your sense of self-worth, you might be wondering where to start. Here are 5 ways to improve your self-worth: 

Use positive affirmations

The way you talk to yourself matters. When you notice that critical voice in your head putting you down, try to overpower it with positive words toward yourself. Positive affirmations can actually help change the way your brain is wired and lead to shifts in beliefs. You can use this to your advantage and repeat affirmations about your self-worth to yourself until you’ve internalized the message. Here are a few affirmations to try: 

• I am worthy, no matter what. 

• I have value, just as I am.

• I am enough.

• I deserve to be happy.

• I am just as worthy as everyone else. 

• I am a kind and loving friend to myself.

• I am able to meet my own needs.

Understand your core values

When you know the values that are most important to you, it’s easier to make decisions and trust that the decisions you make are in alignment with what matters to you. Taking the time to get to know what values matter to you can let you get to know yourself on a deeper level. It’s easier to be nicer to yourself when you know yourself better. Even if you make decisions that don’t pan out, knowing that your choices come from your values can give you confidence that you’re on the right path. 

Advocate for yourself 

It’s hard to learn how to be your own advocate, especially when you’re struggling to feel good about yourself. It’s really powerful to stick up for yourself, though. When the opportunity arises, express your true feelings and opinions. Be your own cheerleader! Practicing this skill can help reinforce the belief that you are worthy and valuable. Treat yourself like you are valuable, and eventually you will start to believe it.

Build up your self-trust

An important part of knowing your self-worth is knowing that you can trust and rely on yourself. Give yourself opportunities to build up the trust you have with yourself. Keep the promises you make to yourself. Remind yourself that it’s okay to not be perfect and make mistakes. Remember to speak kindly to yourself when building up self-trust. You probably wouldn’t trust someone who was a jerk to you all the time, right? So don’t be a jerk to yourself, because it will be harder to trust yourself. 

Avoid comparing yourself to others

Comparison really is the thief of joy. When you spend your time trying to find ways where you’re coming up short, you don’t have as much time to focus on your own internal world. Self-worth  comes from you and how you feel about yourself, not how anyone else feels about you. If you need to compare yourself to someone, compare your current self to your younger self. Remember that everyone has their own insecurities, and it’s human to feel envy from time to time. Try to examine what’s underneath that feeling and what needs you have that aren’t being met, then brainstorm ways to meet them for yourself instead of relying on someone else to do it. 

Are you looking for more ways to improve your self-worth? Working with a therapist can help you shift negative core beliefs that you have about yourself so you can enjoy the benefits of high self-worth. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

4 Ways To Widen Your Window Of Tolerance

4 Ways To Widen Your Window Of Tolerance

Do you ever feel like you have a hard time coping with the ups and downs of life? 

Learning more about your window of tolerance (WoT) and how to widen it can help you feel more capable of coping with what comes your way, no matter what it is. 

What is a window of tolerance?

To recap from our blog post a few weeks ago, it’s “the window where you are able to regulate your emotions and stay grounded in the present is called your window of tolerance. In this zone, you experience a balance of hyperarousal and hypoarousal. You’re right in the sweet spot where you’re able to react rationally, regulate your emotions, and cope with what’s going on.”

Your window of tolerance is the zone where you feel most like yourself. Some call it “Wise Mind”. This zone isn’t set in stone for your whole life. There are things that happen that can narrow your window of tolerance, like attachment wounds, trauma, or abuse. It’s also possible to widen your window of tolerance, and expand your ability to regulate your emotions. 

How does your Window of Tolerance affect you?

When you’re in your window of tolerance, you feel grounded, calm, and capable of accessing your intuition and rational mind. You can be outside of your window of tolerance in two ways: hyperarousal  and hypoarousal. When you’re hyperaroused, you might feel anxious, jittery, hypervigilant, or high energy. On the other hand, when you’re hypoaroused, you might feel numb, depressed, frozen, or ashamed. 

It’s uncomfortable to be in these states of extreme stress for a long time. Your body isn’t meant to constantly be in fight, fight, freeze, or fawn mode. Physiologically, it’s not beneficial to be flooded with stress hormones all the time or to be so numb that you dissociate. When your mental state seems like it runs away without your permission, it can feel like you’re out of control, even if you’re not doing it on purpose. 

Everyone’s window of what they can tolerate is different. We’re all born differently, first of all, and so some people are just naturally able to tolerate more than others. Adverse experiences, like trauma, abuse, or neglect, also have an impact on our window of tolerance. If your window of tolerance isn’t as wide as you’d like it to be, remember that it’s not your fault. Your body and brain are doing their best to protect you, even if it’s leading to more distress down the line. The first step is noticing what’s going on, so give yourself some credit for learning more about this topic. 

Why widen your Window of Tolerance at all?

Widening your window of tolerance helps with emotional regulation. When you have a hard time tolerating emotions, emotional regulation is a ton of work. When you learn how to work within your window of tolerance and expand it, you’ll find it easier to return to a baseline that’s calm, rational, and capable. Increasing your window of tolerance also increases your resilience and reduces feelings of shame. It’s uncomfortable to feel emotionally dysregulated, and feeling out of control of yourself can lead to shame. 

Learning how to soothe yourself back into your window of tolerance teaches you that you’re more capable than you think. 

Learning where your window of tolerance is gives you more information about yourself. It can be tricky to look at your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without judgment sometimes. When you understand more about where your window of tolerance is, you’ll be able to have a deeper understanding of why you do the things you do. You can look with curiosity instead of judgment when new intense emotions come up. 

It’s beneficial to work on widening your window of tolerance. Here are 4 ways to practice:  .

Notice when you’re outside your window

The first step to widening your WoT is to notice when you are outside of it. It’s helpful to learn specifically what it feels like to you to be outside your window, whether you’re hyperaroused or hypoaroused. Being able to spot when you’re moving away from your window will help you intervene more effectively so you can get back to your regulated self. Keep track of a few tell-tale signs that you’re outside your window. Maybe you notice your breathing picks up or you feel tension in your stomach. Maybe you start to feel numb or disconnected from yourself. Understanding your own patterns will help you figure out what to do next. 

Once you’ve spotted that you’re outside of your window of tolerance, you can use your skills to return there. It’s helpful to have a number of coping skills to choose from so if one isn’t working or you feel you need more support you have options. Working with a therapist can help you learn and practice coping skills that will support you in returning to your baseline instead of fight or flight. 

Practice mindfulness

When you’re outside your WoT, it can feel like your brain is running away from you, either all fired up or off to shut down. Either way, when you’re outside of your window of tolerance, you’re often not focused on the present moment. Other things get in the way, and it can take a conscious choice to return back to the present moment. 

A powerful way to move back to your window of tolerance is to practice mindfulness. This can be a grounding practice, deep breathing, meditation, movement - anything that moves your thoughts away from the stress and toward what is happening in the present moment. 

Let yourself be uncomfortable

It doesn’t feel good to be outside your window of tolerance. Our brains don’t like to be uncomfortable, so often they will do anything to distract us from the discomfort. However, to widen your window of tolerance, you’ll need to practice being comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

It can be hard to remember that all feelings are temporary when you’re in the middle of an intense emotional reaction. Try to remind yourself that what you’re feeling will pass. It might be helpful to remind yourself that you have coping skills that you can use to help you feel better when you’re done with the uncomfortable feeling. The more practice you give yourself with these painful feelings, the more you will see that you are able to cope more effectively than you think. 

Be a safe place for yourself

When you’ve lived for so long in a state of stress or arousal, it can feel like everything, including your own thoughts, is unsafe. Do what you can to suspend judgment for yourself. It’s no fun being judged, especially by yourself. When you practice self compassion, you show yourself that you’re safe. Your brain is really smart - it picks up on what your beliefs about yourself are, even if they’re unconscious. Think about it - do you respond well to harsh criticism, threats, and insults? Probably not. It’s way more motivating to be curious and compassionate about where you’re coming from. 

Are you looking for more ways to widen your window of tolerance? Working with a therapist can give you more ways to regulate your emotions and feel like your old self again. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

Have you ever felt like your emotions were out of control?

One of the most frustrating experiences in life is when your emotions feel out of control and you’re not sure why. It can make you feel disconnected from yourself and unsure of how to feel better. One way to understand what’s happening when your emotions feel out of control is to understand the window of tolerance model, developed by Dr. Dan Siegel. This model helps explain the different zones of functioning we all experience, and how we can work to more effectively regulate our emotions. 

Why do my emotions feel out of control? 

It can be scary or frustrating when your emotions don’t seem to match up with what’s happening in real life. This can happen for a number of reasons. Sometimes, people have a tough time regulating their emotions or connecting with them at all. It can be scary to feel intense emotions, 

Sometimes, we have an intense reaction to something and it’s not always clear why. 

It can be hard to remain grounded in the present moment when you’ve experienced trauma. Traumatic memories can be brought on by seemingly harmless triggers, and research shows that our brains don’t know the difference between something happening in the present and recalling a traumatic memory. Even if you rationally know that your trauma is not happening in the present, your brain can’t tell the difference, which can cause extraordinary distress. 

One way to help understand what’s happening when your emotions feel out of control is through the window of tolerance model. 

We all have ranges, or windows, of what we’re able to tolerate psychologically. In some states of mind, we’re better able to cope and regulate our emotions than others. 

The window where you are able to regulate your emotions and stay grounded in the present is called your window of tolerance. In this zone, you experience a balance of hyperarousal and hypoarousal. You’re right in the sweet spot where you’re able to react rationally, regulate your emotions, and cope with what’s going on. If you’ve heard of the fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses, that may help you visualize what happens in the different states of arousal. 

Visualizing your window of tolerance

Imagine a thermometer. One of the old school kinds, with a mercury reservoir at the bottom. This thermometer represents  our ability to regulate our emotions.  At the top, we have hyperarousal, in the middle is your window of tolerance, and down at the bottom is hypoarousal. 

What does it feel like outside my window of tolerance?

Hyperarousal is a state where anxiety, racing thoughts, panic, or hypervigilance have taken over. Hyperarousal is also known as the fight or flight response, where our nervous systems give us a boost of energy to flee or fight in the face of a threat. It used to come in really handy when we were hunter-gatherers, but in modern times it can cause a lot of distress. 

Hypoarousal, on the other hand, is a state of numbness, dissociation, and disconnection. You may know it as the “freeze” response, which causes you to surrender or shut down. This response is also automatic, from our nervous system when we face a threat of some kind. When you’re in this state, you might feel numb, zoned out, or depressed. You might experience dissociation or feel like you’re not present in your own body. 

What does it feel like in my window of tolerance? 

The middle section is the window of tolerance - the state where we’re better able to cope. When we’re in our window of tolerance, it’s easier for us to process intense emotional situations. You’re more easily able to access your rational side, which can help with emotional processing and decision making. When you’re in your window of tolerance, you feel calm, alert, relaxed and capable of handling what comes your way. You feel more capable of engaging with others socially or making decisions. You feel at ease instead of on edge, and energized instead of drained. 

Moving toward your window of tolerance

Once you recognize that you’re outside of your window of tolerance, you can start taking steps to move toward that more regulated state of mind. If you’re hypoaroused, there are things you can do to increase your state of arousal so you move away from the feelings of numbness and toward feeling like yourself again. The same is true if you’re hyperaroused - there are coping skills you can use to decrease your level of arousal so you feel less panicked and out of control. 

Learning how to regulate your emotions can take practice. Working with a therapist can help you take a look at your emotional responses and figure out new ways to cope that better support you and your mental health. Get in touch with our office today to get started working with an expert therapist. 

How to Make the Most of Your Time Between Sessions

Therapy can be a powerfully transformative process and an integral part of our support system, but going to therapy isn’t where the work starts and ends. In session, you’re able to do deep emotional work and get tools to help support you while you’re out of session, but that out of session work is just as important as what you do while you’re there with your therapist! 

It’s in that time outside of your usual session that you get to see how you’re able to apply the tools you’re developing with your therapist, how well you’re able to navigate obstacles, and how your progress looks out in your daily life! 

So how can you make the most out of the time between your therapy sessions?

Well first, remember it will be different for everyone. What helps you and your healing might not help someone else. And, what helps you one day may not be helpful the next. It’s important to not just get in a routine so you’re checking things off of your “mental health to do” list, but actually engage with how you’re feeling after your session and during the time between in order to do the most impactful work! 

For example,  some sessions may be helping you connect patterns to better understand your behavior or work to prepare for big changes in your life.  After those types of sessions, you might be ready to take some risks and push your boundaries. That can be a good way to take intentional steps forward with your progress! Other sessions may be heavier than, they may feel like you slow way down and dive deep into just one thing. After those sessions, taking big steps would probably be taking on too much too soon. You need time for reflection and emotional processing, too, so there are other things you can do between those types of sessions. 

Here are a few ideas of what you can do to make the most of your time between therapy sessions: 

Journal + Reflect: 

What did you talk about in the session? How did you feel while you were talking about it? Were you uncomfortable? Did you hold anything back? Write about all of these things, write about what you chose not to talk about and why, what your therapist helped you understand, what you wish you had time to talk about, how you think you’ll see your newfound insights show up throughout the week, etc. This can be a good practice to do just after the session so you can reflect, and then keep notes on things you notice throughout the week to bring back to your next session. 

Take one small risk: 

Or take one action that supports what you and your therapist were talking about in session. Is there a conversation you’ve been dreading? Can you initiate it? Is there something new you’ve wanted to try but haven’t? Think about what’s been coming up over and over in session, and see if you can come up with a small action to support it. 

Be proud of yourself: 

Keep a running list of things you notice between sessions that you handle well, that you’re proud of yourself for, etc. What came up this week that showed you how far you’ve come? When did you wish you had more support? 

Let yourself be present: 

While self reflection is good, and doing it between sessions is important so you can continue to see the work you’ve done in therapy show up in your day to day life, you don’t want to get so caught up in your own head that you’re unable to be present. Too much self-analyzing isn’t helpful! It’s also important to just let yourself be present in your life. While your healing is important, part of that is allowing you to exist without doing any work to “earn” it. Let yourself enjoy your day and see a friend without putting every action under a microscope. 

Are you looking for more ways to support yourself both in and out of session? Working with us can help you learn more about yourself and your patterns so you can make changes if you want to. Get in touch with our office today to get started.