What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

Relationship conflict is normal. Everyone is different and no two people will see eye to eye on everything all the time. People grow and change and that can be difficult in relationships when you don’t grow at the same rate. Since all relationships have conflict, learning how to manage conflict in a healthy way is important in adult relationships. Having a fight is not the end of the world. What really matters is how you attempt to repair from that fight, or what kind of repair attempts you and your partner make. 

It’s easy to get so caught up in an argument that you don't realize you’re not able to respond in a productive way until it's far too late. During conflicts, couples often become so flooded with emotion that they can’t work together to find a solution or come to an agreement. Repair attempts can also be useful in interrupting conflicts before partners get to the point where they’re emotionally flooded and can’t move forward. 

Healthy vs unhealthy conflict in relationships

There are different types of conflict in relationships, and conflict can be healthy or unhealthy to the connection of the relationship. It might sound surprising, but lots of arguments that happen in relationships can’t be solved.

Solvable conflicts are disagreements where you can reach a solution, but most conflicts in a relationship are perpetual, meaning they can’t be solved. A big part of relationships is learning how to respectfully live with and love someone who you don’t always agree with. Even when an argument is perpetual, conflict can still happen in a healthy or unhealthy way. 

Signs of unhealthy conflict in relationships:

• The “4 Horsemen” of relationship conflict are known as such because their presence indicates serious peril for couples:

• Contempt

• Stonewalling

• Criticism

• Defensiveness

• Isolation

• Manipulation

• Dishonesty

• Control

• Aggression

• Fear

• A winner or loser 

Signs of healthy conflict in relationships: 

• Repair attempts

• Being gentle with each other

• Considering triggers 

• Meaning making as a unit

• Recognizing the difference between solvable and perpetual conflicts

• Accountability + apologies where necessary 

• Mutual respect 

• Trust 

• No winners or losers

What are repair attempts?

According to The Gottman Institute, which specializes in relationships, repair attempts are “any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. Repair attempts can be humorous or more serious. 

The repair attempts that work for your relationship might look different to what works for a friend or family member, and that’s okay. Every relationship is different. You each bring your own experiences, feelings, attachment styles, and histories to the table, which means it’s up to you both to figure out what works best for you. 

Why repair attempts work during conflict 

When you use a repair attempt during a conflict, it shows your partner that you’re committed to resolving the underlying issue instead of getting caught up in the emotion of the argument. It’s like a signal between the two of you that you’re on the same team, even when you don’t always agree. It’s helpful to be reminded that our partners are on our side, especially when we’re at risk of getting carried away with our emotions. 

Some relationship experts describe repair attempts as a pause or reset button. “When they work, repair attempts are like hitting the reset button. The argument may not be over but the hostility and aggression disappear even though the conflict remains.”

How to make repair attempts during a conflict

So, when you’re experiencing conflict in your relationship, how can you make a repair attempt? There are several ways to go about repair attempts, depending on what your goal is at the moment. 

You may be trying to defuse the tension, let your partner know how you feel about what is being said, interrupt before you get carried away, work toward compromise, apologize, express appreciation for your partner, or something else entirely. 

A repair attempt doesn’t always have to be verbal, either. Since a repair attempt is supposed to be a signal to both parties to pause, it can be as simple as a loving touch on their hand. Some couples even agree that their go-to repair attempt is making a funny face at their partner, as a signal that the conflict has spiraled out of hand and to reel it back in. Others pick a word to say so their partner will know they’re emotionally flooded and need to hit pause. 

Some other examples of repair attempts are: 

• “Can we hit pause on this and come back when we’re calmed down?”

• “I’m overwhelmed and need a break.”

• “What you’re saying makes sense.”

• “I love you.”

• “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

• “Please let me finish what I was saying.”

• “We’re getting off track here.”

• “I feel criticized. Could you say that differently?”

• “I reacted inappropriately. I’m sorry.”

• “Let me try again.”

• “What you just said hurt my feelings.”

• “Can we agree to disagree on this?”

• “We can figure this out together.”

When you’re stuck on what to do as a repair attempt, remember that everyone likes to feel validated. How can you let your partner know that you are actively listening and empathize with their emotions? Keeping that in mind during conflicts can help you figure out how to approach your partner to repair. 

Are you experiencing conflicts in your relationship? Learning how to use repair attempts during arguments can be a game-changer. Working with a couples therapist can help you and your partner find ways to hit pause during conflicts that work for you and your circumstances so you continue to feel like you’re on the same team instead of working against each other. Get in touch with our office today to get started with couples therapy!