Understanding Your Attachment Style to Improve Your Relationships

Have you ever noticed patterns that keep coming up in your relationships with others?

If you have, you’re not alone. These patterns can often be traced back to what’s called your attachment style. Your attachment style is the way that you form relationships with the people closest to you, and it’s heavily influenced by the way you were treated by your caregivers growing up. 

Being in relationships with other people can sometimes bring up complicated feelings, and even lead us to behave in ways we don’t always understand. When we experience disconnection in our relationships, some of us might tend to pull away, while others might cling even harder to the other person. Some of us might do some combination of both. Often, these reactions aren’t something that we think about - they’re fairly automatic responses that we’ve been using since childhood.

When we talk about attachment, we often think about romantic relationships, but romantic relationships aren’t the only relationships where attachment styles come into play. The way we attach to others affects all aspects of our lives, from friendships to workplace dynamics, and even how we connect with family members. 

Understanding your attachment style more deeply can be a key to not only improving romantic partnerships, but also deepening your connection with family, friends, coworkers, and your community as a whole.

Where our attachment styles come from

Attachment theory was initially developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s. It explored the emotional connection between a child and their primary caregiver. Bowlby’s work, which was later expanded on by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, identified distinct patterns of attachment in children. These patterns are largely determined by how caregivers respond to the child’s needs for comfort and security.

Throughout childhood, the ways our caregivers respond to our emotional needs teach us what to expect from others. Emotional connection is actually a matter of life or death for us when we’re young. Think about it - without the help of a caregiver, babies wouldn’t be able to survive on their own. The care we receive as children influences how we perceive relationships as we grow up, and we carry these relational patterns into adulthood. 

If our caregivers were emotionally available and attuned when we were children, we are more likely to form secure attachments. On the other hand, inconsistent or emotionally distant caregiving can lead to developing an insecure attachment style. These patterns don't just stay within the confines of childhood—they influence how we form and maintain all kinds of relationships later in life.

What are the different attachment styles?

There are four main attachment styles that people develop in childhood: Secure Attachment, and then what are known as insecure attachment styles, which include Anxious Attachment, Avoidant Attachment, and Disorganized Attachment. 

Anxious Attachment

Anxiously attached individuals often worry about being abandoned or not being loved enough. This fear stems from inconsistent caregiving—perhaps you received comfort and attention from your caregivers some of the time, but at other times, it was unavailable. As a result, you might feel a heightened need for reassurance in relationships.

In adult relationships, this may manifest as needing constant validation from friends, partners, or even colleagues, with a persistent fear that relationships could fall apart. You might feel overly sensitive to any perceived rejection or distancing. This can be overwhelming to deal with, especially if your partner also has an insecure attachment style, and lead to wedges in your relationships, which is the opposite of what you crave. 

Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to downplay their emotional needs and prefer to be independent. This attachment style is often a result of caregivers being emotionally unavailable or dismissive of your needs when you were growing up. 

In adult relationships, you may feel uncomfortable with intimacy or vulnerability. You might prefer to keep relationships at arm’s length. This can affect romantic relationships as well as friendships, making it hard to connect deeply. You might find yourself pulling away from others when emotional closeness is expected. If your partner also has an insecure attachment style, the ways they try to gain closeness might feel suffocating to you, which leads to you pulling away further, making the cycle worse. 

Disorganized Attachment

A disorganized attachment style is often the result of trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving that fluctuates between comfort and fear. Children with this attachment style learn that their caregivers are sources of both safety and harm, creating confusion and anxiety around connection.

In adult relationships, disorganized attachment can show up as chaotic or unpredictable relationship patterns. You may feel drawn to relationships but fear being hurt, leading to push-pull dynamics or difficulty trusting others. Often, the inconsistency can be confusing for other people you’re in relationships with, and lead to further disconnection. 

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style develops when your caregivers were consistently responsive to your emotional needs when you were young. Because of this, you learned that relationships are safe, stable, and nurturing. 

In adult relationships, those with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier relationship dynamics. You likely feel comfortable being vulnerable, can trust others, and can navigate conflict with confidence. Having a secure attachment style can be a protective factor during times of relationship stress and conflict, because you trust that you will eventually return to safety together. 

How our attachment styles show up in our relationships

While we often think of attachment in the context of romantic partnerships, your attachment style can influence different relationships, including:

• Friendships: An anxiously attached person might worry excessively about whether their friends truly like them, while someone with an avoidant style might struggle to be fully present in intimate friendships.

• Workplace: In professional environments, someone with disorganized attachment may experience heightened stress around authority figures or struggle with trust and communication, while securely attached individuals are more likely to collaborate confidently.

• Family: For those with avoidant attachment, emotional distance might extend into family dynamics, leading to feelings of isolation or disconnect.

How can you determine which attachment style you tend to fall into?

Understanding which attachment style you tend to experience can help you recognize negative patterns and explain why you tend to react in certain ways when you feel disconnected in your relationships. Determining which attachment style you gravitate toward takes self reflection on your patterns from childhood to now. 

You can begin by:

• Reflecting on your childhood experiences: How did your caregivers respond when you needed comfort or support? Were they consistently available, or were their responses unpredictable? Did you feel like you could rely on your caregivers for safety?

• Noticing patterns in your relationships: Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from others? Or do you tend to pull away when people get too close? Do you find yourself in a confusing push-pull pattern? 

• Taking an online assessment: There are online quizzes and self-assessments that can help you identify your attachment style. Keep in mind that anyone can make an online quiz, though. An online assessment might be a good starting point before you begin working with a mental health professional.

• Working with a therapist: Therapy can be an excellent place to dive deeper into your attachment patterns and explore the impact they have on your adult relationships. A therapist can help you reflect on your childhood experiences as well as your adult relationships, and help you determine which attachment style you tend to experience. 

Attachment style isn’t fixed

One important thing to note is that your attachment style isn't set in stone. Your attachment style is a relational trait that can change over time, especially as you grow in self-awareness and experience new, healthier relationships. You might also experience a different attachment style in different relationships. You might experience anxious attachment with your romantic partner, and avoidant attachment with a family member, for example. 

Whichever attachment styles you experience, it’s never too late to work toward security, trust, and deeper connection. By understanding your attachment style, you can create more meaningful, fulfilling relationships in every area of your life, from romantic partners to lifelong friends. 

Are you looking for more support in your relationships? Working with a therapist can help you explore your relational patterns and understand your attachment style. Our clinicians have appointments available - contact us today to get started.

6 Signs It's Time for Couples Counseling

Is it time for you and your partner to start couples counseling?

When you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, it can feel hopeless and frightening. You might wonder what you can do to repair the connection you have and feel like a team again. Couples counseling can make a big difference in the way you communicate and connect with your partner.

There’s no perfect time to start couples counseling, but it’s true that couples often wait for a very long time to get support after they start having problems. The negative patterns that lead to disconnection have more time to get ingrained the longer you wait to change them. Relationship therapy can help you unpack those patterns, no matter when you and your partner choose to come in. 

There are a lot of misconceptions about couples therapy that can lead to couples waiting to get support.

First, couples counseling doesn’t have to be a last resort. You don’t even have to be going through something serious to start couples counseling. It can even be a good idea to start therapy before you have major issues, so that you have a solid foundation of communication skills and healthy conflict patterns when things come up.

Next, attending couples therapy doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with your relationship or that you’ve failed in any way. Relationships are hard, and when there’s dysfunction in our important relationships, it can impact all parts of your life. Seeing a therapist to help your relationship 

It’s also important to note that couples counseling isn’t a quick fix. Therapy of any type takes work, and there are times when it will be hard or distressing. But there are also major benefits of couples therapy, including: 

• Learning and practicing tools for healthy communication

• Repairing and rebuilding emotional connection

• Finding growth as a couple

• Discussing current areas of improvement 

• Establishing a stable foundation for the future

• Strengthening intimacy

• Regaining warmth, closeness, and support

• Finding ways to resolve issues causing distress

• Making decisions in alignment with each other and your values

• Feeling confident in your ability to get through future issues

What brings couples to couples counseling?

There are lots of reasons why couples seek out couples therapy. While counseling can be immensely helpful during moments of relationship crisis, it’s not the only thing that brings couples to therapy. 

These are just some of the reasons why couples start therapy:

• Communication issues

• Emotional distance

• Intimacy issues

• Affairs & infidelity

• General relationship dissatisfaction

• Navigating conflict

• Rebuilding trust

• Work-life balance difficulties

• Parenting differences

• Difficulties with in-laws or family members

• Substance use

• Differences in values

• Family planning and whether to have children

• Managing parenting differences

• Fairly dividing household and relationship labor

• Blended family dynamics

• Codependency

There’s no right or wrong reason to start seeing a couples counselor. But if you’re wondering when it’s time to start couples counseling with your partner, here are some signs: 

It’s been on your mind

If you’re reading this article, clearly this topic is on your mind. Of course, you don’t have to act on every thought you have, but if this is something you keep coming back to, it can be a sign that it’s the right time to talk about it with your partner and look for a relationship counselor. 

Trust has been broken

It’s really hard to be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust. Trust being broken between romantic partners can be hard to recover from, but it’s a lot harder without the support and guidance of an experienced couples therapist. If you’re struggling with trust in your relationship, therapy can help you work through the painful emotions and rebuild trust and safety. 

You don’t communicate well with each other

Like trust, communication is essential for healthy relationships. If you don’t communicate well, it can feel impossible to interact, even about small things. Feeling like you can’t talk to the person you love can be heartbreaking! Couples counseling can help you discover your negative communication patterns and practice healthier ways to communicate with one another.  

You’re stuck in conflict

It’s normal to have conflict in relationships, but it’s not normal to fight all of the time. Even when you disagree, it’s possible to end conflicts so that you don’t get caught in a cycle of fighting. Research actually shows that most conflicts between couples can’t be easily solved and are perpetual, so it’s crucial to learn how to move forward from those moments. Relationship therapy can help you handle conflict in a healthier way.

There’s emotional distance

Disconnection can be painful in romantic relationships. When there’s a lack of intimacy, whether that be emotional or physical or both, it’s distressing and often hard to talk about. A couples therapist can help you find ways to have hard conversations while helping each other feel safe. 

You’re going through a big life transition

Life transitions are major sources of stress, and stress can wreak havoc on our close relationships. If you’re already at your limit with stress, finding time for therapy might not seem appealing, but it can be a game-changer to give yourself another source of support when you’re going through a difficult time. 

Are you interested in couples counseling? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer therapy for couples in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. Get in touch with us here to get started.

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

Relationship conflict is normal. Everyone is different and no two people will see eye to eye on everything all the time. People grow and change and that can be difficult in relationships when you don’t grow at the same rate. Since all relationships have conflict, learning how to manage conflict in a healthy way is important in adult relationships. Having a fight is not the end of the world. What really matters is how you attempt to repair from that fight, or what kind of repair attempts you and your partner make. 

It’s easy to get so caught up in an argument that you don't realize you’re not able to respond in a productive way until it's far too late. During conflicts, couples often become so flooded with emotion that they can’t work together to find a solution or come to an agreement. Repair attempts can also be useful in interrupting conflicts before partners get to the point where they’re emotionally flooded and can’t move forward. 

Healthy vs unhealthy conflict in relationships

There are different types of conflict in relationships, and conflict can be healthy or unhealthy to the connection of the relationship. It might sound surprising, but lots of arguments that happen in relationships can’t be solved.

Solvable conflicts are disagreements where you can reach a solution, but most conflicts in a relationship are perpetual, meaning they can’t be solved. A big part of relationships is learning how to respectfully live with and love someone who you don’t always agree with. Even when an argument is perpetual, conflict can still happen in a healthy or unhealthy way. 

Signs of unhealthy conflict in relationships:

• The “4 Horsemen” of relationship conflict are known as such because their presence indicates serious peril for couples:

• Contempt

• Stonewalling

• Criticism

• Defensiveness

• Isolation

• Manipulation

• Dishonesty

• Control

• Aggression

• Fear

• A winner or loser 

Signs of healthy conflict in relationships: 

• Repair attempts

• Being gentle with each other

• Considering triggers 

• Meaning making as a unit

• Recognizing the difference between solvable and perpetual conflicts

• Accountability + apologies where necessary 

• Mutual respect 

• Trust 

• No winners or losers

What are repair attempts?

According to The Gottman Institute, which specializes in relationships, repair attempts are “any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. Repair attempts can be humorous or more serious. 

The repair attempts that work for your relationship might look different to what works for a friend or family member, and that’s okay. Every relationship is different. You each bring your own experiences, feelings, attachment styles, and histories to the table, which means it’s up to you both to figure out what works best for you. 

Why repair attempts work during conflict 

When you use a repair attempt during a conflict, it shows your partner that you’re committed to resolving the underlying issue instead of getting caught up in the emotion of the argument. It’s like a signal between the two of you that you’re on the same team, even when you don’t always agree. It’s helpful to be reminded that our partners are on our side, especially when we’re at risk of getting carried away with our emotions. 

Some relationship experts describe repair attempts as a pause or reset button. “When they work, repair attempts are like hitting the reset button. The argument may not be over but the hostility and aggression disappear even though the conflict remains.”

How to make repair attempts during a conflict

So, when you’re experiencing conflict in your relationship, how can you make a repair attempt? There are several ways to go about repair attempts, depending on what your goal is at the moment. 

You may be trying to defuse the tension, let your partner know how you feel about what is being said, interrupt before you get carried away, work toward compromise, apologize, express appreciation for your partner, or something else entirely. 

A repair attempt doesn’t always have to be verbal, either. Since a repair attempt is supposed to be a signal to both parties to pause, it can be as simple as a loving touch on their hand. Some couples even agree that their go-to repair attempt is making a funny face at their partner, as a signal that the conflict has spiraled out of hand and to reel it back in. Others pick a word to say so their partner will know they’re emotionally flooded and need to hit pause. 

Some other examples of repair attempts are: 

• “Can we hit pause on this and come back when we’re calmed down?”

• “I’m overwhelmed and need a break.”

• “What you’re saying makes sense.”

• “I love you.”

• “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

• “Please let me finish what I was saying.”

• “We’re getting off track here.”

• “I feel criticized. Could you say that differently?”

• “I reacted inappropriately. I’m sorry.”

• “Let me try again.”

• “What you just said hurt my feelings.”

• “Can we agree to disagree on this?”

• “We can figure this out together.”

When you’re stuck on what to do as a repair attempt, remember that everyone likes to feel validated. How can you let your partner know that you are actively listening and empathize with their emotions? Keeping that in mind during conflicts can help you figure out how to approach your partner to repair. 

Are you experiencing conflicts in your relationship? Learning how to use repair attempts during arguments can be a game-changer. Working with a couples therapist can help you and your partner find ways to hit pause during conflicts that work for you and your circumstances so you continue to feel like you’re on the same team instead of working against each other. Get in touch with our office today to get started with couples therapy!