Understanding Your Attachment Style to Improve Your Relationships

Have you ever noticed patterns that keep coming up in your relationships with others?

If you have, you’re not alone. These patterns can often be traced back to what’s called your attachment style. Your attachment style is the way that you form relationships with the people closest to you, and it’s heavily influenced by the way you were treated by your caregivers growing up. 

Being in relationships with other people can sometimes bring up complicated feelings, and even lead us to behave in ways we don’t always understand. When we experience disconnection in our relationships, some of us might tend to pull away, while others might cling even harder to the other person. Some of us might do some combination of both. Often, these reactions aren’t something that we think about - they’re fairly automatic responses that we’ve been using since childhood.

When we talk about attachment, we often think about romantic relationships, but romantic relationships aren’t the only relationships where attachment styles come into play. The way we attach to others affects all aspects of our lives, from friendships to workplace dynamics, and even how we connect with family members. 

Understanding your attachment style more deeply can be a key to not only improving romantic partnerships, but also deepening your connection with family, friends, coworkers, and your community as a whole.

Where our attachment styles come from

Attachment theory was initially developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s. It explored the emotional connection between a child and their primary caregiver. Bowlby’s work, which was later expanded on by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, identified distinct patterns of attachment in children. These patterns are largely determined by how caregivers respond to the child’s needs for comfort and security.

Throughout childhood, the ways our caregivers respond to our emotional needs teach us what to expect from others. Emotional connection is actually a matter of life or death for us when we’re young. Think about it - without the help of a caregiver, babies wouldn’t be able to survive on their own. The care we receive as children influences how we perceive relationships as we grow up, and we carry these relational patterns into adulthood. 

If our caregivers were emotionally available and attuned when we were children, we are more likely to form secure attachments. On the other hand, inconsistent or emotionally distant caregiving can lead to developing an insecure attachment style. These patterns don't just stay within the confines of childhood—they influence how we form and maintain all kinds of relationships later in life.

What are the different attachment styles?

There are four main attachment styles that people develop in childhood: Secure Attachment, and then what are known as insecure attachment styles, which include Anxious Attachment, Avoidant Attachment, and Disorganized Attachment. 

Anxious Attachment

Anxiously attached individuals often worry about being abandoned or not being loved enough. This fear stems from inconsistent caregiving—perhaps you received comfort and attention from your caregivers some of the time, but at other times, it was unavailable. As a result, you might feel a heightened need for reassurance in relationships.

In adult relationships, this may manifest as needing constant validation from friends, partners, or even colleagues, with a persistent fear that relationships could fall apart. You might feel overly sensitive to any perceived rejection or distancing. This can be overwhelming to deal with, especially if your partner also has an insecure attachment style, and lead to wedges in your relationships, which is the opposite of what you crave. 

Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to downplay their emotional needs and prefer to be independent. This attachment style is often a result of caregivers being emotionally unavailable or dismissive of your needs when you were growing up. 

In adult relationships, you may feel uncomfortable with intimacy or vulnerability. You might prefer to keep relationships at arm’s length. This can affect romantic relationships as well as friendships, making it hard to connect deeply. You might find yourself pulling away from others when emotional closeness is expected. If your partner also has an insecure attachment style, the ways they try to gain closeness might feel suffocating to you, which leads to you pulling away further, making the cycle worse. 

Disorganized Attachment

A disorganized attachment style is often the result of trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving that fluctuates between comfort and fear. Children with this attachment style learn that their caregivers are sources of both safety and harm, creating confusion and anxiety around connection.

In adult relationships, disorganized attachment can show up as chaotic or unpredictable relationship patterns. You may feel drawn to relationships but fear being hurt, leading to push-pull dynamics or difficulty trusting others. Often, the inconsistency can be confusing for other people you’re in relationships with, and lead to further disconnection. 

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style develops when your caregivers were consistently responsive to your emotional needs when you were young. Because of this, you learned that relationships are safe, stable, and nurturing. 

In adult relationships, those with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier relationship dynamics. You likely feel comfortable being vulnerable, can trust others, and can navigate conflict with confidence. Having a secure attachment style can be a protective factor during times of relationship stress and conflict, because you trust that you will eventually return to safety together. 

How our attachment styles show up in our relationships

While we often think of attachment in the context of romantic partnerships, your attachment style can influence different relationships, including:

• Friendships: An anxiously attached person might worry excessively about whether their friends truly like them, while someone with an avoidant style might struggle to be fully present in intimate friendships.

• Workplace: In professional environments, someone with disorganized attachment may experience heightened stress around authority figures or struggle with trust and communication, while securely attached individuals are more likely to collaborate confidently.

• Family: For those with avoidant attachment, emotional distance might extend into family dynamics, leading to feelings of isolation or disconnect.

How can you determine which attachment style you tend to fall into?

Understanding which attachment style you tend to experience can help you recognize negative patterns and explain why you tend to react in certain ways when you feel disconnected in your relationships. Determining which attachment style you gravitate toward takes self reflection on your patterns from childhood to now. 

You can begin by:

• Reflecting on your childhood experiences: How did your caregivers respond when you needed comfort or support? Were they consistently available, or were their responses unpredictable? Did you feel like you could rely on your caregivers for safety?

• Noticing patterns in your relationships: Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from others? Or do you tend to pull away when people get too close? Do you find yourself in a confusing push-pull pattern? 

• Taking an online assessment: There are online quizzes and self-assessments that can help you identify your attachment style. Keep in mind that anyone can make an online quiz, though. An online assessment might be a good starting point before you begin working with a mental health professional.

• Working with a therapist: Therapy can be an excellent place to dive deeper into your attachment patterns and explore the impact they have on your adult relationships. A therapist can help you reflect on your childhood experiences as well as your adult relationships, and help you determine which attachment style you tend to experience. 

Attachment style isn’t fixed

One important thing to note is that your attachment style isn't set in stone. Your attachment style is a relational trait that can change over time, especially as you grow in self-awareness and experience new, healthier relationships. You might also experience a different attachment style in different relationships. You might experience anxious attachment with your romantic partner, and avoidant attachment with a family member, for example. 

Whichever attachment styles you experience, it’s never too late to work toward security, trust, and deeper connection. By understanding your attachment style, you can create more meaningful, fulfilling relationships in every area of your life, from romantic partners to lifelong friends. 

Are you looking for more support in your relationships? Working with a therapist can help you explore your relational patterns and understand your attachment style. Our clinicians have appointments available - contact us today to get started.