Understanding Your Attachment Style to Improve Your Relationships

Have you ever noticed patterns that keep coming up in your relationships with others?

If you have, you’re not alone. These patterns can often be traced back to what’s called your attachment style. Your attachment style is the way that you form relationships with the people closest to you, and it’s heavily influenced by the way you were treated by your caregivers growing up. 

Being in relationships with other people can sometimes bring up complicated feelings, and even lead us to behave in ways we don’t always understand. When we experience disconnection in our relationships, some of us might tend to pull away, while others might cling even harder to the other person. Some of us might do some combination of both. Often, these reactions aren’t something that we think about - they’re fairly automatic responses that we’ve been using since childhood.

When we talk about attachment, we often think about romantic relationships, but romantic relationships aren’t the only relationships where attachment styles come into play. The way we attach to others affects all aspects of our lives, from friendships to workplace dynamics, and even how we connect with family members. 

Understanding your attachment style more deeply can be a key to not only improving romantic partnerships, but also deepening your connection with family, friends, coworkers, and your community as a whole.

Where our attachment styles come from

Attachment theory was initially developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s. It explored the emotional connection between a child and their primary caregiver. Bowlby’s work, which was later expanded on by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, identified distinct patterns of attachment in children. These patterns are largely determined by how caregivers respond to the child’s needs for comfort and security.

Throughout childhood, the ways our caregivers respond to our emotional needs teach us what to expect from others. Emotional connection is actually a matter of life or death for us when we’re young. Think about it - without the help of a caregiver, babies wouldn’t be able to survive on their own. The care we receive as children influences how we perceive relationships as we grow up, and we carry these relational patterns into adulthood. 

If our caregivers were emotionally available and attuned when we were children, we are more likely to form secure attachments. On the other hand, inconsistent or emotionally distant caregiving can lead to developing an insecure attachment style. These patterns don't just stay within the confines of childhood—they influence how we form and maintain all kinds of relationships later in life.

What are the different attachment styles?

There are four main attachment styles that people develop in childhood: Secure Attachment, and then what are known as insecure attachment styles, which include Anxious Attachment, Avoidant Attachment, and Disorganized Attachment. 

Anxious Attachment

Anxiously attached individuals often worry about being abandoned or not being loved enough. This fear stems from inconsistent caregiving—perhaps you received comfort and attention from your caregivers some of the time, but at other times, it was unavailable. As a result, you might feel a heightened need for reassurance in relationships.

In adult relationships, this may manifest as needing constant validation from friends, partners, or even colleagues, with a persistent fear that relationships could fall apart. You might feel overly sensitive to any perceived rejection or distancing. This can be overwhelming to deal with, especially if your partner also has an insecure attachment style, and lead to wedges in your relationships, which is the opposite of what you crave. 

Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to downplay their emotional needs and prefer to be independent. This attachment style is often a result of caregivers being emotionally unavailable or dismissive of your needs when you were growing up. 

In adult relationships, you may feel uncomfortable with intimacy or vulnerability. You might prefer to keep relationships at arm’s length. This can affect romantic relationships as well as friendships, making it hard to connect deeply. You might find yourself pulling away from others when emotional closeness is expected. If your partner also has an insecure attachment style, the ways they try to gain closeness might feel suffocating to you, which leads to you pulling away further, making the cycle worse. 

Disorganized Attachment

A disorganized attachment style is often the result of trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving that fluctuates between comfort and fear. Children with this attachment style learn that their caregivers are sources of both safety and harm, creating confusion and anxiety around connection.

In adult relationships, disorganized attachment can show up as chaotic or unpredictable relationship patterns. You may feel drawn to relationships but fear being hurt, leading to push-pull dynamics or difficulty trusting others. Often, the inconsistency can be confusing for other people you’re in relationships with, and lead to further disconnection. 

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style develops when your caregivers were consistently responsive to your emotional needs when you were young. Because of this, you learned that relationships are safe, stable, and nurturing. 

In adult relationships, those with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier relationship dynamics. You likely feel comfortable being vulnerable, can trust others, and can navigate conflict with confidence. Having a secure attachment style can be a protective factor during times of relationship stress and conflict, because you trust that you will eventually return to safety together. 

How our attachment styles show up in our relationships

While we often think of attachment in the context of romantic partnerships, your attachment style can influence different relationships, including:

• Friendships: An anxiously attached person might worry excessively about whether their friends truly like them, while someone with an avoidant style might struggle to be fully present in intimate friendships.

• Workplace: In professional environments, someone with disorganized attachment may experience heightened stress around authority figures or struggle with trust and communication, while securely attached individuals are more likely to collaborate confidently.

• Family: For those with avoidant attachment, emotional distance might extend into family dynamics, leading to feelings of isolation or disconnect.

How can you determine which attachment style you tend to fall into?

Understanding which attachment style you tend to experience can help you recognize negative patterns and explain why you tend to react in certain ways when you feel disconnected in your relationships. Determining which attachment style you gravitate toward takes self reflection on your patterns from childhood to now. 

You can begin by:

• Reflecting on your childhood experiences: How did your caregivers respond when you needed comfort or support? Were they consistently available, or were their responses unpredictable? Did you feel like you could rely on your caregivers for safety?

• Noticing patterns in your relationships: Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from others? Or do you tend to pull away when people get too close? Do you find yourself in a confusing push-pull pattern? 

• Taking an online assessment: There are online quizzes and self-assessments that can help you identify your attachment style. Keep in mind that anyone can make an online quiz, though. An online assessment might be a good starting point before you begin working with a mental health professional.

• Working with a therapist: Therapy can be an excellent place to dive deeper into your attachment patterns and explore the impact they have on your adult relationships. A therapist can help you reflect on your childhood experiences as well as your adult relationships, and help you determine which attachment style you tend to experience. 

Attachment style isn’t fixed

One important thing to note is that your attachment style isn't set in stone. Your attachment style is a relational trait that can change over time, especially as you grow in self-awareness and experience new, healthier relationships. You might also experience a different attachment style in different relationships. You might experience anxious attachment with your romantic partner, and avoidant attachment with a family member, for example. 

Whichever attachment styles you experience, it’s never too late to work toward security, trust, and deeper connection. By understanding your attachment style, you can create more meaningful, fulfilling relationships in every area of your life, from romantic partners to lifelong friends. 

Are you looking for more support in your relationships? Working with a therapist can help you explore your relational patterns and understand your attachment style. Our clinicians have appointments available - contact us today to get started.

How Mindful Communication Can Improve Your Relationships

How often do you feel like you’re fully aware of the present moment?

It’s hard to stay in the present moment these days. There are always a million and one things pulling our attention away from the here and now. This is especially true when we’re communicating with other people. It’s easy to get caught up in emotions, or to think about what you’re going to say next, or get distracted by something on your mental to-do list. Practicing mindful communication can be a helpful way to improve your relationships. 

What is mindful communication?

Mindful communication occurs when you make a conscious effort to remain grounded in the present moment while you communicate with others. Staying completely in the present moment without getting distracted by something - a text, a random thought, a response to what the other person is saying, anxiety - isn’t easy. It takes practice and self compassion. 

It’s hard to give 100 percent of our attention to something because there are so many things to do, and it seems like there’s not enough time to get everything done. We often feel like multitasking is our only choice, to do everything we need and want to do. Think about how many times you’ve done multiple things at once - having a conversation while driving, cooking dinner and talking - it happens all the time. 

Mindfulness is a practice that’s focused on training yourself to spend more time in the present moment. It’s not about making every moment of your life mindful, because that’s not entirely realistic. There are going to be times where you’re not fully focused on what’s going on. That’s okay! You don’t need to choose between being 100 percent mindful or 0 percent. You can find a balance that works for you.

There are many benefits to mindfulness, including the ways that mindful communication can enhance relationships. Here are 4 ways that mindful communication can help you improve the relationships that matter to you:

Enhanced listening skills

It’s hard to listen well when you’re distracted and not fully grounded in the present moment. When you’re distracted, you’ll miss out on some of what’s being said, especially the non-verbal aspects of communication like body language. Giving the other person your undivided attention can help you understand what they’re saying more effectively, and help them to feel heard and validated.

Increased empathy

Maintaining your sense of empathy when talking to people you care about can make difficult conversations go a lot smoother. A big piece of mindfulness is being compassionate with yourself when you slip up. Learning how to be kind to yourself can help you extend that kindness to others. 

Remembering that the person you’re talking to has their own side and their own stuff going on can make it easier to see where they’re coming from. People also tend to want to open up when they’re being treated with kindness and empathy. Staying mindful when you communicate can help you notice when you’re getting frustrated or dysregulated instead of reacting first. 

Reduced reactivity

Mindfully communicating with others can help to lessen moments of reactivity. Instead of saying something you’ll regret later, you can recognize when you’re getting carried away by emotions and gently remind yourself to return to the present. You can notice when you’re feeling closed off or reactive, so you can choose to react differently. This can also be helpful with lowering defensiveness and other unhelpful patterns of conflict in relationships. 

Improved trust

Trust is hugely important in relationships, and mindful communication can help you build trust. Knowing someone will give you their full attention when you talk makes it easier to open up. It’s helpful to relationships to be open and honest, because that shows the other person that they can be open and honest as well. 

Are you wondering where to start? Try these strategies for mindful communication:

• Manage distractions - Put your phone away, turn away from the computer, lower the volume on anything playing, make sure you won’t be bothered

• Listen to understand, not to respond - focus on what they’re saying, not what you’ll say back

• Take turns talking - when you know your turn to speak will come, it’s less tempting to interrupt to try to get your point across.

• Be thoughtful about what you say - think about what you want to say before you say it so that your meaning doesn’t get distorted. Consider your tone and your language.

• Think about your goal for the conversation - what are you hoping to get out of communicating?

Making time for mindfulness can make a big difference in how you feel and in how you relate to others. Working with a therapist can help you practice mindfulness skills and find more ways to improve the relationships you care about. If you’re interested in working with one of our Maryland, Virginia, or Washington DC therapists, get in touch with our office today! 

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

Relationship conflict is normal. Everyone is different and no two people will see eye to eye on everything all the time. People grow and change and that can be difficult in relationships when you don’t grow at the same rate. Since all relationships have conflict, learning how to manage conflict in a healthy way is important in adult relationships. Having a fight is not the end of the world. What really matters is how you attempt to repair from that fight, or what kind of repair attempts you and your partner make. 

It’s easy to get so caught up in an argument that you don't realize you’re not able to respond in a productive way until it's far too late. During conflicts, couples often become so flooded with emotion that they can’t work together to find a solution or come to an agreement. Repair attempts can also be useful in interrupting conflicts before partners get to the point where they’re emotionally flooded and can’t move forward. 

Healthy vs unhealthy conflict in relationships

There are different types of conflict in relationships, and conflict can be healthy or unhealthy to the connection of the relationship. It might sound surprising, but lots of arguments that happen in relationships can’t be solved.

Solvable conflicts are disagreements where you can reach a solution, but most conflicts in a relationship are perpetual, meaning they can’t be solved. A big part of relationships is learning how to respectfully live with and love someone who you don’t always agree with. Even when an argument is perpetual, conflict can still happen in a healthy or unhealthy way. 

Signs of unhealthy conflict in relationships:

• The “4 Horsemen” of relationship conflict are known as such because their presence indicates serious peril for couples:

• Contempt

• Stonewalling

• Criticism

• Defensiveness

• Isolation

• Manipulation

• Dishonesty

• Control

• Aggression

• Fear

• A winner or loser 

Signs of healthy conflict in relationships: 

• Repair attempts

• Being gentle with each other

• Considering triggers 

• Meaning making as a unit

• Recognizing the difference between solvable and perpetual conflicts

• Accountability + apologies where necessary 

• Mutual respect 

• Trust 

• No winners or losers

What are repair attempts?

According to The Gottman Institute, which specializes in relationships, repair attempts are “any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. Repair attempts can be humorous or more serious. 

The repair attempts that work for your relationship might look different to what works for a friend or family member, and that’s okay. Every relationship is different. You each bring your own experiences, feelings, attachment styles, and histories to the table, which means it’s up to you both to figure out what works best for you. 

Why repair attempts work during conflict 

When you use a repair attempt during a conflict, it shows your partner that you’re committed to resolving the underlying issue instead of getting caught up in the emotion of the argument. It’s like a signal between the two of you that you’re on the same team, even when you don’t always agree. It’s helpful to be reminded that our partners are on our side, especially when we’re at risk of getting carried away with our emotions. 

Some relationship experts describe repair attempts as a pause or reset button. “When they work, repair attempts are like hitting the reset button. The argument may not be over but the hostility and aggression disappear even though the conflict remains.”

How to make repair attempts during a conflict

So, when you’re experiencing conflict in your relationship, how can you make a repair attempt? There are several ways to go about repair attempts, depending on what your goal is at the moment. 

You may be trying to defuse the tension, let your partner know how you feel about what is being said, interrupt before you get carried away, work toward compromise, apologize, express appreciation for your partner, or something else entirely. 

A repair attempt doesn’t always have to be verbal, either. Since a repair attempt is supposed to be a signal to both parties to pause, it can be as simple as a loving touch on their hand. Some couples even agree that their go-to repair attempt is making a funny face at their partner, as a signal that the conflict has spiraled out of hand and to reel it back in. Others pick a word to say so their partner will know they’re emotionally flooded and need to hit pause. 

Some other examples of repair attempts are: 

• “Can we hit pause on this and come back when we’re calmed down?”

• “I’m overwhelmed and need a break.”

• “What you’re saying makes sense.”

• “I love you.”

• “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

• “Please let me finish what I was saying.”

• “We’re getting off track here.”

• “I feel criticized. Could you say that differently?”

• “I reacted inappropriately. I’m sorry.”

• “Let me try again.”

• “What you just said hurt my feelings.”

• “Can we agree to disagree on this?”

• “We can figure this out together.”

When you’re stuck on what to do as a repair attempt, remember that everyone likes to feel validated. How can you let your partner know that you are actively listening and empathize with their emotions? Keeping that in mind during conflicts can help you figure out how to approach your partner to repair. 

Are you experiencing conflicts in your relationship? Learning how to use repair attempts during arguments can be a game-changer. Working with a couples therapist can help you and your partner find ways to hit pause during conflicts that work for you and your circumstances so you continue to feel like you’re on the same team instead of working against each other. Get in touch with our office today to get started with couples therapy! 

Can I Have a Healthy Relationship with My Body Without Loving It?

If you suffer from chronic pain, the idea of body positivity might feel like asking a lot. 

It can be hard to love something that causes you severe amounts of physical pain, not to mention the emotional pain that can come with that sort of prolonged discomfort and distress. So if you’re someone who manages chronic pain, and you find yourself rolling your eyes a bit at the idea of body positivity–I get it! It’s okay and you’re definitely not alone. 

But living with chronic pain doesn’t mean you don’t deserve an emotionally healthy relationship with your body, even if that can’t be one filled with love. While it would be wonderful to get to a point where your relationship with your body is a loving one, it’s possible to have an emotionally healthy relationship, even a caring relationship, without love. Think of human social relationships–you might not love your coworker or your neighbor or your barista, but you’re likely able to at least provide them the respect and dignity they deserve, and possibly even have a positive, friendly relationship with them. You care about not being rude to them, you don’t think they are unreasonable for having boundaries, and you probably don’t think they’re shameful for asking for what they need!  

The same can be true of your body. 

The first step to getting to that emotionally healthy relationship with your body is to let go of unrealistic expectations. 

Just like with your other relationships, unfair expectations just set everyone involved up for hurt and disappointment. When you expect your friends to read your mind, you’re putting the burden of a role they’re not equipped to manage on their shoulders, and it can never end in positive feelings. The same is true of your body. When you expect your body to be able to do things like: 

• Operate at 100% every day 

• Persist through prolonged exertion or labor without breaks 

• Function without proper nourishment 

…You’re putting unrealistic expectations onto your body. No one’s body can really manage those things! And if you experience chronic pain or chronic illness of some kind, your limits are going to feel even more rigid. But it’s important for you to figure out what it is your body can reasonably handle on a given day so you can make sure you’re not asking too much of it. 

Take stock of your limits, of what different things cost you in terms of energy, pain, emotional regulation, etc. 

When you take time to notice the effect different activities or situations have on you, your body, the severity of your symptoms, etc., you’re able to better respond to those effects, preemptively plan for how you will manage an increase of symptoms, or set limits on those things. When making plans, remember to keep those limits and boundaries in mind and to be respectful of your relationship with your body. If you push it past those limits, the lack of care you show to your body’s needs will show up in that relationship through worsening pain, increased symptoms, etc. 

Remember healthy relationships are reciprocal

It’s okay if there’s a lack of love between you and your body sometimes. Not every relationship needs constant love and affection to be healthy. They do however need respect and reciprocity–which means however you treat your body is how you can expect your body to treat you.Instead of punishing your body for its needs and limits, try to respect them. Because when you punish your body, it will only turn that punishment back on you for neglecting its needs, whether that’s through increased pain or flare up of symptoms, or getting sick in some other fashion. When you notice your body’s cues and tend to them, you’re showing your body respect and care. This in turn gives you a cared for place to live and exist. 

If you’re looking for support as you heal your relationship to your body, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

8 Tips for Hard Conversations in Your Relationship

8 Tips for Hard Conversations in Your Relationship

One of the hardest things about any relationship is communication. When you need to have a hard conversation with someone, communication can seem impossible. So many of us have experiences in the past, whether growing up or in other adult relationships, where we felt afraid to say what we were thinking or feeling. Some people have lived in situations where they couldn’t share their thoughts or feelings for fear of cruelty or abuse. Some people might be afraid of how their partner will react. Others might feel like their feelings don’t matter as much as their partners.

Whatever the reason, it makes sense that having hard conversations is hard. Luckily, there are ways to make even the hardest conversations a little easier to manage. 

Hard conversations are inevitable in most relationships, even platonic ones.

Everyone changes as they age, and people don’t always change in ways that work together. Expectations shift, and the resources people can offer to a relationship don’t always stay the same. Relationships aren’t always split 50/50. Sometimes one partner will need more support than the other, and vice versa. Over time, things may even out, but in the short term, things might feel unequal for a while. 

Having a hard conversation with your partner doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship, though. Sometimes, hard conversations lead to big breakthroughs in relationships that leave you feeling closer to each other than before. No relationship is perfect, and it will be impossible to avoid having some hard conversations unless you basically avoid having conversations at all. 

Are you worried about how to approach hard conversations with your partner? Here are 8 ideas to make it easier: 

Wait for a moment that’s not emotionally charged

Having a hard conversation is already, well, hard enough. Starting a serious or hard talk with your partner when you’re already emotional can make things go from bad to worse. If you’re in the middle of an argument, see what you can both do to regroup and calm down before having any serious conversations. Similarly, try to avoid serious talks in the middle of sex. Sex is emotional and vulnerable, and adding in an intense conversation in the middle of it is just seeing you up to miscommunicate. 

Talk about things as they come up

On the other hand, you don’t want to wait too long to bring things up that are bothering you. It’s beneficial to wait for a moment that’s not emotionally charged to dive into a heavy discussion, but holding onto issues for too long is a recipe for resentment. It’s also never fun to hear from your partner that they’ve been secretly upset with you about something for a long time. When you feel upset or like you need to talk, find a time sooner rather than later to talk about it so you don’t feel overwhelmed with resentment. 

Listen to understand, not to respond

The most important part of communication is listening when someone communicates with you. It can be tempting, especially when we’re upset, to get distracted when someone is speaking to you because you’re thinking about how to respond. Instead of hearing what they are actually saying to you, however, you’re missing it to concentrate on what to say next. This is how miscommunication can happen. It is also very frustrating to feel like you’re not being listened to. When you’re listening to your partner talk, focus on what they’re saying to you. Repeat back what they’re saying to show them you’re paying attention. Think about how you would want them to listen to you, and act the same way. 

Reframe the situation as “us vs. the problem” instead of “me vs. you”

So many relationship conflicts are framed as one partner versus the other, instead of both partners versus the problem. Remember, you’re a team and you’re in this together. How can you look at this situation as the two of you against the problem, instead of against each other? Remind each other that you’re on the same side.

Approach the situation from a place of curiosity, instead of blame

Miscommunications happen when we make assumptions about other people. Instead of assuming you know what’s going on, approach the conversation from a place of curiosity. Try to see where your partner is coming from and understand their perspective. Instead of blaming them for what’s wrong in the relationship, try to find out what they’re thinking and what is driving them to behave the way they do. There’s always a reason behind someone’s behavior, and the more compassionate and curious we can be, the less shame and defensiveness people will feel.

Remind yourself that being right isn’t the most important thing

Sometimes we get so swept up in what we’re thinking and feeling that we lose sight of what’s really important to us. There are some situations where you’ll probably want to be acknowledged for being right, but that doesn’t have to happen every time. In a lot of disagreements in relationships, there isn’t one clear right side and one clear wrong side. It’s okay to want to be right, but being right all the time doesn’t always make it easy to be in a relationship with someone. In all adult relationships, we have to compromise and work together, so make sure you’re prepared for that going into a tough conversation. 

Figure out what you want before you start the conversation

Talking about a problem without offering a solution or knowing what you need out of a situation can just lead to frustration for everyone. If you’re bringing something up, have a plan about what you want to say to your partner so you don’t forget anything once your emotions are heightened. What do you need to have happen in this conversation? What are you willing to negotiate, and what can you be flexible about? Are you hoping to spend more time together? Are you looking for a different division of labor in the household? Do you want to find more ways to connect emotionally? Whatever it is, have your goals in mind when you start the conversation. 

Make checking in a regular part of your relationship

If it kind of freaks you out to hear that you need to have a serious conversation with a partner, you’re not alone. The words “we need to talk” can be very scary to hear, especially when your relationship is struggling.  

This is more of a long-term goal, but when you make it a regular part of your relationship to check in with one another, hearing “we need to talk” will seem way less scary or threatening. It can be uncomfortable knowing that a mysterious conversation is ahead of you, even if it’s one you know you need to have. When you make check-ins regular, you’ll have more chances to address issues as they come up, so no one is holding onto any resentment. 

Give yourself a pat on the back

Having hard conversations is, well, hard. It’s not easy to let yourself be vulnerable and ask for what you need or say what’s on your mind. If you’re having a hard conversation with someone, give yourself credit. That’s not an easy thing to do, and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. 

Relationships aren’t easy, and since every one is different, they don’t come with an instruction manual. Working with a couples therapist can help you find new ways to communicate and connect with one another so hard conversations no longer feel impossible. To get started working with a couples therapist, get in touch with our office. 

6 Ways Cooking Together Builds Intimacy

Do you have plans for this Valentine’s Day?  

A third pandemic Valentine’s Day in a row might not sound super exciting, we know. Depending on what’s happening in your local area there might be some restrictions on where you and your partner can even spend the day celebrating! 

If you’re trying to think of something to do this Valentine’s Day, consider simply cooking a meal with your loved one. 

It might sound simple, but cooking a meal together can be a great (and fun!) way to spend quality time with your partner and build intimacy between the two of you. 

And of course, this doesn’t have to be limited to romantic relationships! While Valentine’s Day is primarily about romantic relationships, you can expand the meaning of the day to celebrate any sort of meaningful relationship in your life! Because even if you aren’t currently involved in a romantic relationship, you have plenty of other significant relationships in your life. 

And intimacy isn’t inherently romantic. Being intimate with someone is just about feeling comfortable being vulnerable and your authentic self with someone else. You can build that connection in any sort of relationship! 

So why cook a meal together? 

It’s a simple thing, but there is so much intimacy in it! Here are 6 reasons cooking together can help build intimacy: 

Firstly, you have to remain present: 

When you’re cooking, you have to be fully in the moment, thinking about the food you’re preparing, how it will work together, the step you’re on, the smells and sights in front of you, etc. Cooking is basically one big mindfulness practice! And when it comes to spending time with loved ones, it’s quality over quantity–meaning, it’s better to be fully engaged and present with a loved one for a short amount of time, than to spend all day together when neither one of you is really existing in the present moment. So cooking a meal together is a great way to ground yourselves in the present moment and really enjoy your time together meaningfully. 

You’re connecting over a shared goal:

Does that sound silly? It might, but it’s true! In order to even get to the stage where you’re cooking together you need to: agree to cook together, agree on what you want to eat, get the ingredients and materials for what you want to prepare, and only then can you start actually preparing it together. This is a lot of cooperation! It might not feel big to you, but think of how long it takes you to decide what you want for dinner on a day you’re burned out. It’s seeming more impressive to do it with another person, and then work together to make that meal happen, right? 

It’s dependent on communication: 

Unless you’re both naturally instinctive chefs, you’re going to need to communicate with one another about what you both need to do and how you need to work together to get the meal prepared! No, you don’t need to map out a battle plan, but this shows up in the small things like “can you chop the onions while I melt the butter?” Having a whole activity that requires the two of  you to really listen and respond to one another can help you appreciate how well you work together. 

Nourishing one another is inherently intimate:

Taking time to lovingly prepare a meal for someone and then make sure they eat it is one of the biggest ways humans connect intimately with one another! Think of parents and children: one of the most significant relationships in our lives, and so much bonding within that relationship happens over meal times. Whether that’s the contact from holding a baby as you feed them or sharing stories over meals at family dinners, nourishing one another is a wonderful way to bond.  Taking time to prepare a meal for someone says: I care about you, I want to make sure you’re well nourished. What could be more loving than that?

Cooking is a sensual experience:

Cooking and eating engage all of your senses, and often link it with pleasure! While you’re cooking you’re focused on: how does this food look? How does it smell? Does it taste good? What can I do to make it more enjoyable? Connecting with your partner over what’s pleasing to your senses is a wonderful way to connect intimately (or even erotically)  without needing sex to enter the picture at all. 

Cooking can strengthen your emotional ties:

Cooking can be a very personal experience. We so often learn to cook from loved ones (parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles, etc.) or people with significant relationships to us.  There is a lot of emotion and nostalgia tied to cooking. It’s something that engages all of your senses which means your memories tied to it will be strong! Cooking with a partner gives you an opportunity to share those memories–you can teach them how to cook something your parents taught you, or something connected with a happy memory that you get to share with them. 

If you’re looking for more ways to build intimacy in  your relationship, couples therapy can give you a safe and compassionate space to explore and grow closer. Get in touch today to get started! 

6 Little Ways to Improve Your Romantic Relationship

Improving any relationship may seem like a daunting task, especially a romantic relationship. After all, it’s hard for people to change! It seems like making any sort of meaningful change would take a long time and a lot of effort. Big changes and shifts often do take time and patience, but there are lots of little ways to improve your romantic relationships that can add up over time. 

Romantic relationships often feel like they have higher stakes, partially because as a culture we value intimate relationships more than platonic ones. That’s why there are a million resources out there about how to deal with a romantic breakup, but not nearly as many on dealing with friendship breakups, for example. So when things are tough in your romantic relationship, you might feel particularly distressed.

This is also because our romantic partners are often a major source of support in our lives, and a main part of our family. The idea of losing that support, whether it’s a possibility or just a worry, can be devastating. It can be tough to know where to start when you’re feeling like your relationship could be improved. 

First, decide what improving your relationship means to you. For some people, this will mean increased intimacy (physical or emotional), for others it might mean fewer disagreements. What would a “better” relationship look like for you? How would you like to feel in your relationship, and what is in the way of feeling that now? Taking some time to figure out what you want can help you decide how best to move forward. 

If you’re looking for suggestions for little ways to improve your relationship, here are 6 ways: 

Spend time away from each other

This might sound counterintuitive, but couples who don’t spend every minute together tend to be happier. When you spend all of your time together, you leave no room to miss one another. It’s also kind of boring - when you already know exactly how they spend all their time, what is there to talk about? Dedicated time apart can help you feel more excited to come together again and fill each other in on all the details of what you did while you weren’t together. 

Be present mentally when you’re together

It’s all too easy to end the day winding down on the couch, scrolling through your phone, especially as the days get shorter and colder. Even if you spend a lot of time together with your partner, how much of that time is spent being present mentally, and how much of that time is spent distracted? There’s always going to be something to look at online or on your phone, but there aren’t unlimited moments to connect with your partner. When you’re together, at least some of the time, try to make an effort to be present with each other. That means putting down your phones, making eye contact, and actively listening to each other. We promise, it’s worth it!

Stop trying to read each other's' minds

When you’ve been with someone a long time, you probably know pretty well how they think. However, that doesn’t mean that you can read their mind, or that they can read yours. There are lots of disagreements between couples that could be resolved with some direct communication, instead of making assumptions. If you’re not sure about something, ask! 

Make time to laugh together

When was the last time you and your partner had a really good laugh together? There’s a lot of tension and stress in the world, and that only tends to increase at the end of the year. Finding ways to bond over positive things can help you feel closer to one another. Making time to laugh together is also a great way to remind yourself that you love and enjoy spending time together. Watching a show or a comedy special that you both love can help get the laughter flowing and leave you feeling closer. 

Go to bed at the same time 

Life is busy, and it’s hard to find time to spend with your partner sometimes. Going to bed at the same time at night gives you an opportunity for some alone time every day. Take advantage of it! Also, everything seems better after a good night’s sleep, so getting some quality shut-eye can do a world of good when you’re just having one of those days. 

Notice the little things

When you’re in a routine with someone, it can be hard to break out of it. One way to keep things interesting in a relationship is to make an effort to notice the little things. Compliment your partner, acknowledge things they do, remember the things they say, and keep track of what’s important to them. Knowing that someone cares about all the little details of your life is a great feeling, and can lead to feeling closer to one another. 

If you’re looking for more ways to improve your relationship, couples therapy can give you a safe and compassionate space to explore and grow closer. Get in touch today to get started! 

How to Tell if You’re in a Codependent Relationship

How to Tell if You’re in a Codependent Relationship

As a culture, we tend to romanticize giving our all in romantic relationships. However, there is a fine line between being a devoted partner and being a codependent one. In psychology, the idea of codependency is often associated with substance use, but anyone can be in a codependent relationship. 

What does codependent mean? 

Being codependent is not a mental illness, and you can’t be officially diagnosed as codependent. Rather, codependency is a pattern of behavior, one that often arises from low self-esteem and the need to protect oneself. 

Codependency is also a relational trait - you may have one codependent relationship, but other relationships where you’re not codependent.  You can be predisposed to be codependent, but if you’re codependent in one relationship it doesn’t mean you’ll be that way forever.  It’s not necessarily all or nothing - depending on context your level of codependence may change. 

In fact, some people even refer to codependency as “relationship addiction”, suggesting that codependent people are dependent on these unhealthy relationships for their sense of self-worth. 

Healthy relationships are mutual. Both parties can depend on one another equally and offer each other love and support. Codependent relationships, on the other hand, are one-sided. One partner gives more love and support than the other, who often gives little or nothing in return. Someone who is in a codependent relationship might feel that they have to do whatever it takes to please their partner, even if it means sacrificing their own needs. 

Is it a problem to be codependent? 

Just because two people rely on each other doesn’t mean that it’s always a problem. Some people are happy with the relationships they have. Every close relationship isn’t a codependent one. The closeness needs to be mutual though, so one partner isn’t doing all the giving and the other isn’t doing all the taking. Healthy relationships aren’t one-sided. 

The problem comes when one partner is taking advantage of the other. This can happen in a number of ways - emotionally, financially, sexually. Codependency is problematic when it leads to a person defining themselves by their partner and trying to control the relationship. 

What are signs of codependence? 

Codependence can be tricky because it’s not always conscious on the part of both partners. You both may have the best of intentions, but sliding into codependence can turn a healthy relationship into an unhealthy one. An example of this is feeling responsible for the other person’s feelings. It might seem like it’s coming from a good place, but it’s really a way to exert control to get their love. If you can control how they feel at all times, you know they’ll always feel loving towards you. However, that takes away from their agency as a person - they’re allowed to have their own feelings, even if they’re not the ones you want them to have. 

Even if neither one of you is aware of how your behavior affects the other, you both may still be contributing to the level of codependence in the relationship. If any of the following feels familiar to you, you may want to learn more about codependency or talk about it with a therapist.

• You’re a people pleaser

• You’ve always felt like you need the approval of others 

• You feel like you have to make excuses for the other person’s behavior

• The other person’s happiness feels more important than yours 

• You feel responsible for the other person’s feelings 

• You have a history of helping that is really enabling

• You feel like you no longer have a sense of identity outside the relationship

• You have a history of being a caretaker

• You have low self worth

• You have a hard time saying no or setting boundaries

• You find it hard to trust yourself and others

• You have a history of avoiding conflict

• You are afraid of being rejected or abandoned

• You feel taken advantage of 

What are some ways I can work toward being less codependent? 

The first step toward becoming less codependent in a relationship is to recognize that the codependence is there. You can’t change anything if you don’t know it exists. Take some time to notice your behavior and your partner’s behavior for a while. Maybe keep track in a journal and note times when you put your needs last. 

Codependence is also associated with low self-worth. Working on increasing your sense of self-worth can go a long way toward making you feel like your needs matter in relationships. When you take care of yourself first, you teach yourself that you’re your first priority. It will take time to undo the lifetime of feeling like you have to put yourself last, but it gets easier with practice. 

If you’re concerned that you’re in a relationship that’s become codependent, working with a therapist can help you find ways to begin prioritizing your own needs again. Get in touch with our office today to start working with one of our therapists.