How to Practice Reaching Out After Self Isolating

The problem with loneliness is it can be a self reinforcing perspective. 

We all feel lonely from time to time, but sometimes the loneliness grows so big, we don’t feel like we can escape it. When loneliness is that all consuming, our whole world view can become twisted by that loneliness, convincing us that our cruel, self-isolating thoughts are true. 

When we’re lonely, it can start to feel like there must be a reason for it, and that reason must be us. We start to feel like we’re broken and that it must be good, in a way, that we’re alone, because in such a deep depression it can feel hard to remember how to connect with others. 

The only way to heal our loneliness is by connecting with others–but like many unhelpful patterns, loneliness can become familiar, and the threat of the unknown can feel greater than the threat of loneliness. And the longer we self isolate, the harder it becomes to reach out to people. We feel shame at how long it’s been since we reached out, or fear that our loved ones will be upset with us–or worse, have no desire to have us back in their lives now that we’ve been out of them for so long. All of these things make it harder and harder to break out of self isolating once you’ve begun. 

But the secret truth is: you get a little grace when you’re struggling if you let people in. 

It can feel larger than it is. In your head, you may be remembering a text your friend sent a month ago that you never responded to. In your imagination, that friend is mad at you for ignoring them, and doesn’t want to hear from you now. 

In reality? Your friend has a hectic life too. The same thing has happened to them at one point–and it’s much more likely that they’ll be happy to get a message from you now, a month late, than to never get one ever again. And every time you give yourself a chance to be forgiven, you lay the foundation for more self kindness, and greater ease in relying on your support system. 

So how can you start to practice reaching out to others after self isolating? 

Start with a therapist: 

Therapy is a no-judgment zone, and can be a great starting point when you’re teaching yourself how to reach out. You can work through some of what caused you to self isolate, the fears reinforcing that isolation, and have a reliable support system to turn to when you start reaching out to loved ones in your life. While you have your own role in therapy, it’s not the type of reciprocal relationship we have elsewhere, so it can be lower risk to admit to a therapist than to a friend that you’ve been lonely and struggling. Then, with that practice and support under your belt, you can spread that practice elsewhere. 

Express gratitude for the relationships you reach out to: 

People can be much more forgiving than our imaginations give them credit for, but loneliness affects us all! There is a chance your friend or loved one may have felt rejected or dismissed or devalued in your absence–they may have taken your absence to be a reflection on them, rather than a sign you needed support. Letting your loved ones know you’ve missed them, that they’re important to you, and you’re grateful to be able to be honest and vulnerable with them can go a long way. It helps let your loved one know this time apart was not maliciously motivated, and can help reduce defensiveness so everyone can be open about what they’re feeling and what they need. 

Give yourself some grace: 

Don’t try to do everything at once. Small steps forward slowly and consistently are much better than big leaps that cause you to tumble. Reach out to one person at a time, add your regular activities back in one at a time, or try one new thing at a time. You don’t have to flood your calendar to stop self isolation. Call one more person this week, and start there! Don’t blame yourself for your loneliness–it’s common and normal to feel lonely. And it’s okay if it happens even when you’re reaching out to people. There’s nothing wrong with you. Lean into your support systems as you grow them.  

Do you struggle with reaching out to others, even when you really need it? You’re not alone! Working with a therapist can help you feel more comfortable reaching out instead of turning in when you’re struggling. Our therapists have appointments available now - click here to get started.  

Five Tools For Managing Loneliness and Building Connection

It’s normal to feel lonely. 

The problem with loneliness is that it tricks us into thinking we’re the only one who feels that way, that everyone else is happy and connected and supported by their friends, loved ones, and community, and out of shame we end up isolating, only making the loneliness worse. But the truth is most of us feel lonely every now and then. Sometimes it’s short lived, and other times it lingers, making it harder to break out of. 

Instead of withdrawing, here are seven things you can do when you’re lonely.

Ending a relationship  with a friend is difficult for a number of reasons, one of which is the feeling of loneliness that comes from that loss. Just like in a romantic breakup, where you once had the routine of going to that person with news and plans and jokes and stressors, you now have to find somewhere new to turn, and build new routines and relationships without them. Even when that’s the right choice, it can feel very lonely for a while. 

Relationships take time to build, so there is a period after ending a relationship, where you do feel less supported and resourced than when you had someone to fill that role. The grief that comes with that loneliness is common, and nothing to feel shame about. The loneliness is also common–and remember it’s temporary. 

For more support on managing that loneliness, read 4 tips for dealing with a friend breakup 

Strong friendships are some of the most fulfilling and supportive relationships we can have. But if you’re struggling with loneliness, making new friends can seem impossible. It’s hard to be so vulnerable like that as an adult. When you’re a child, it’s natural to enter a new space and find new friends in it–and, because of the way your life is constructed, it’s easier to find yourself surrounded by peers as a child. As an adult, a conscious effort must be made to go out into new places and to connect with new people. And that can be scary! 

It’s okay to admit it’s hard to meet new people you connect with. And when you’re ready, here are some ideas on what to do about it. 

Friendships occupy a very important place in our lives and communities. They are the family we choose, and those relationships can be just as close, supportive, and intimate as romantic or familial relationships. But it doesn’t happen without work. Just as you have to work with a romantic partner to understand and care for one another, the same work is required of intimate friendships. 

While having these intimate friendships only enriches our lives–giving us more opportunities for joy, for connection, for feeling seen and heard, for providing and accessing support, etc–most of what we hear about in regards to relationship work is about romantic relationships. 

You need a variety of support in your life, and learning to tend to your friendships with intention is a wonderful way to provide that for yourself. 

When addressing loneliness it’s also important to look at the larger picture outside of your individual relationships. What does your relationship to your community look like? Do you feel connected to your community, the resources and opportunities and connections it offers? Or do you exist alongside your community, without feeling familiar enough to claim a place in it?

Strong communities offer not just one option, but a garden of options for support; through building relationships with friends, family, neighbors, local businesses, community organizers & artists you open yourself up to a world of possibilities. You create a world full of people who can help you creatively, financially, professionally, spiritually, domestically, medically, etc. 

The basic function of cultivating a strong community is to make sure you don’t have to face any aspect of life alone. 

Taking steps to reduce feelings of isolation can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

7 Things to Do When You’re Lonely

Do you struggle with feeling lonely?

We all feel lonely from time to time, but studies show that loneliness is an increasingly large problem for mental and physical wellbeing. Since the pandemic, loneliness has increased.

Loneliness and social isolation are often thought to be the same thing, but there’s actually an important difference. As the CDC explains, “Loneliness is the feeling of being alone, regardless of the amount of social contact. Social isolation is a lack of social connections. Social isolation can lead to loneliness in some people, while others can feel lonely without being socially isolated.” You can become lonely from social isolation, but social isolation is not a requirement for loneliness. 

Why are we lonely?

Everyone has moments where they feel lonely. When loneliness doesn’t pass, it can be very distressing. Part of the reason why loneliness is so prevalent is that, as a culture, we tend to value independence, often at the expense of our health. Humans are meant to live and be supported in communities, as we’re social creatures. When society tells you that success means being able to do everything on your own, it can be hard to let go of that message. 

A study from Harvard shows that “36% of all Americans—including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children—feel “serious loneliness.” While we were lonely before the pandemic, the stress and isolation of the early pandemic days and the way it shifted how we live and work had a serious impact on loneliness. It was hard enough before the pandemic to get everything done that you needed to and make time for social connections. Now 3 years later, we’re exhausted mentally and physically from coping, and it might feel even harder to maintain the social connections that keep us from feeling lonely. 

It’s also been shown in studies that marginalized groups, like Black, Indigenous, and People of Color, immigrants, LGBTQ folks, and disabled people, tend to feel loneliness at higher rates than non-marginalized groups. Discrimination, oppression, barriers to healthcare and other services, and stigma are some reasons why marginalized groups are more likely to experience loneliness and social isolation. 

What does loneliness feel like?

You probably already know that loneliness doesn’t feel great. Feeling lonely is a negative emotion, so it can be distressing and painful. Remember, you don’t have to actually be socially isolated to feel lonely. You can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. 

Often, loneliness isn’t actually about not having people in your life, but not having strong connections to the people in your life. We all like to feel seen and like we matter to other people. When you don’t have a lot of people who you can connect with in a real way, it can feel like no one understands you.

Being lonely has real, measurable effects on health and wellbeing. Loneliness can lead to: 

• Depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders

• An increased risk for dementia

• Heart disease and stroke

• Thoughts of suicide

• Premature death

• Sleep problems

• Substance use

Loneliness has a serious impact on our lives, but there are things you can do to cope with loneliness and to minimize its effects. 

How can you cope with feeling lonely? Here are 7 suggestions: 

Join things 

One of the best ways to build connections with people is to put yourself out there and join things. This might seem like something you will never do, but it really does make a difference. It’s going to be impossible to build new connections if you don’t try some new things, or you would have made those connections already. Even though it seems intimidating, try joining a club, organization, hobby group, or class. Start small, and go from there as you build confidence in your ability to put yourself out there. 

The key here is to find something that is important to you or that you really connect with. If you really love animals, call your local animal shelter or humane society to see if they need help, or sign up to be a part time pet sitter. If you like to read, check out your local bookstore to see if they have any upcoming events, or a book club you can join. If you’re interested in art, see if there are any art classes or events at local galleries that you can check out. 

Be kind to yourself 

Being lonely is tricky enough, so try not to be hard on yourself for feeling the way you feel. Even though it’s painful, it’s okay to feel what you feel. You deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion, from others as well as from yourself. 

Social media also has a big impact on loneliness. When you can see an endless stream of pictures of other people having fun together, it can make you feel even more alone. Remember that you’re not seeing the full picture of what’s going on through someone’s social media posts. Don’t compare yourself to others, especially on social media. 

Explore the reasons behind your loneliness

Coping with the feeling of loneliness can be such a big task that it’s easy to forget to explore why loneliness is there in the first place. However, it’s worth looking into the reasons behind your loneliness so you can prevent it in the future.

Do you feel like you don’t have friends or loved ones who understand you? Are you having interpersonal problems? Does social media make you feel left out or less than? Do you worry that everyone is judging you and that is what makes it hard to reach out? When you can pinpoint the reasons behind why you feel lonely, you can make some changes. If no one understands you, it might be time to explore some groups that have similar interests. If you are having interpersonal problems, working with a therapist can help you find new ways to relate to people and how to explore conflict in a healthy way. It will take a lot of introspection and compassion, but exploring what’s behind your loneliness gives you a road map of how to fix it. 

Invest in your current relationships

When you’re lonely, it can be easy to talk yourself out of reaching out to the people in your life. You might feel like they don’t want to hear from you or that they’re too busy for you. Remember that you can’t read minds, though! Your assumption about how they’ll respond might be way off, and the only way to find out is to ask. Reach out to the people you already know to connect and make plans, or even just to share that you’re feeling lonely and thinking of them. 

When your loved ones reach out to you to ask how you’re doing, it’s okay to let them know that you’re feeling lonely. Talking about it can release some of the shame that you may not even realize you were holding onto. It’s also easier to ask for help from someone who already knows what’s going on. You might be surprised to find out that the people in your life are also feeling lonely, as it’s extremely common these days. 

Find something you like to do solo

Spending time by yourself is more enjoyable when you have something you like to do. Explore some new hobbies or activities to see what you like doing on your own. Maybe you really like taking your dog for long walks, or maybe doing a puzzle is more your speed. Try things like: playing an instrument, collaging, painting, drawing, knitting/crocheting, crossword puzzles, reading, thrifting, gardening, cooking or baking, hiking, journaling, bird watching, 

Ask for help

Loneliness doesn’t have to last forever, but it can feel hard to break out of feeling isolated. When you’re struggling with being lonely, it’s okay to reach out for support. Friends and family can probably relate to what you’re going through, and the people that care about you probably want to help. We’re not meant to go through life alone, and it’s okay to ask your community for support. 

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to friends or loved ones, try talking to your primary care physician about what you’re going through. They might even have some resources to point you toward so you can meet new people and strengthen your current connections. A therapist can also be a great resource when coping with loneliness, because you can explore the reasons behind your feelings as well as new ways to cope. 

Go out of your comfort zone

This is such frustrating advice, because no one wants to really go outside their comfort zone. It’s uncomfortable! However, you don’t always have to go too far out of your comfort zone to make new connections. Start with a little baby step out of your comfort zone. 

Instead of keeping to yourself the next time you walk around your neighborhood, try leaving your headphones at home and saying hi to anyone you walk by. Pick one social event a month that you’re going to check out. Google free events in your area or through interest groups that you care about. Many cities and towns have event calendars on their websites so you can find things going on, and you can also find events listed on Eventbrite and Facebook. See if you can pick one new thing to try and see how that feels. 

Coping with feeling lonely can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Working with a therapist can help teach you new ways to cope and explore ways to build community and support. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians.