4 Ways to Support Someone Struggling With Infertility

Sometimes, someone we love is going through something we have no experience with, but we still want to support them. That’s part of having relationships with people, romantic or otherwise - they’re built on care and mutual support. That’s why it’s so frustrating when someone is experiencing something that we can’t really help with, like losing a loved one, the end of a partnership, or even struggling with infertility. 

We still have a lot of cultural taboos in the United States, and talking about mental health, especially when it comes to the mental health of folks who can get pregnant, is difficult for many. Part of why it’s so hard to talk about pregnancy loss and infertility is because it’s still dismissed and not talked about openly.  We also tend to think that carrying a child to term is an easy, commonplace thing, but for some people, it just isn’t possible. As a society, however, we usually expect folks struggling with infertility to keep it to themselves. If someone you know has confided in you about infertility, that is a very big deal - that means they trust you enough to react appropriately and support them. 

The reasons that people experience infertility aren’t always understood, which can make the experience even more devastating. Some of the factors thought to be involved are genetic defects, viral or bacterial infections, hormone imbalances, and autoimmune disorders. However, much of the time there isn’t an easy answer as to why the person is struggling to conceive. 

It’s natural to want to support the people you care about, so if you know someone who is struggling with infertility, you’re probably looking for a way to genuinely help. Here are some ways to support someone experiencing infertility: 

Practice holding space

A lot of times our instinct is to help and protect the people we love, especially when they’re hurting. However, sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there and hold space for the emotions they’re going through. “Holding space” means being physically, mentally, and emotionally present for someone. It means putting your focus on someone to support them as they feel their feelings instead of focusing on your own. 

Don’t ask, “Have you tried x?”

They have probably been working closely with their physician to figure this out - while asking “Have you tried X?” might seem helpful, it’s just unnecessary. Assume that they know their body and their medical history better than you. We often feel the need to throw out solutions when someone is in pain, but that probably won’t make the person feel better, only ourselves. 

Watch what you say in general

Feeling like they can’t talk about their experience with infertility can make the experience even more lonely. Some common responses to hearing about infertility are, “You can always try again,” "Whose fault is it?", "What's wrong with you?" “How are you paying for all that?" “Have you considered adoption?” “Maybe it’s not meant to be.” Most people who say these things don’t intend to be cruel, but these statements can minimize the grief and sorrow that the person is feeling. Instead of saying something just to say something, think carefully about how your words will be interpreted. 

Limit the baby talk

If you have kids or are expecting a child, it’s natural to want to talk about it. However, there are probably plenty of folks in your life who can handle these conversations - don’t push them on a friend who is dealing with infertility. Know that your friend probably doesn’t really resent you for your family, but it’s tough to talk about all the same. Try to be as kind and understanding as possible, and don’t take it personally if the other person needs some space from baby and pregnancy talk. 

If you’re close with someone who is dealing with infertility, it can be confusing to know how to help. Remember to be kind and think about the other person’s needs and just hold space where you can. If you need more ideas for support in this area, our clinicians can help you come up with some. 

7 Ways to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship

One of the hardest parts of being in a relationship with someone else is figuring out how to talk to them about serious stuff. Relationships can be complicated for many reasons, but sometimes a barrier between partners is that they don’t know how to effectively communicate with each other. Many of us didn’t grow up with positive models of relationships to look up to, so you may feel like you have no chance to catch up at this point. Luckily, that isn’t true! You can figure out ways to communicate with your partner that work in your relationship, even if healthy communication is completely new to you. 

Communication is an essential part of any relationship. It is intimidating to try to talk about vulnerable things with anyone, especially with someone you have strong feelings for. It might feel odd to try a different communication style with your partner, but keep an open mind, and remember you can always switch it up if it isn’t working for you both. 

Try these tips to communicate more effectively with your partner: 

Learn how you both prefer to communicate

The idea of love languages was developed by Dr. Gary Chapman to explain the differences in how people show love. There are five main love languages (words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, acts of service) in Dr. Chapman’s model, and the idea behind it is that everyone has a different way they prefer to show and receive love. If you and your partner have a difficult time showing each other love, it might just be that you have different approaches to how you like to be loved. Similarly, you can look at personality tests like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test, or the Enneagram to pick up on some themes in how you relate to other people. If you dig in and do a little research on the ways you communicate and behave differently, you can then focus on how to communicate together. 

Practice listening

Listening sounds like a fairly easy concept, right? However, the way you listen actually matters when talking to your partner. When you’re communicating with someone, it can be easy to get caught up in what you’re going to say next, or to respond to what they’re saying before they’re finished. This is called listening to respond. However, instead of listening to respond, try to listen to understand instead. Put aside any thoughts of how you will respond, or things you want to say, and focus on what your partner is actually saying. 

Don’t Interrupt

One way to shut down a conversation is to jump in and cut off your partner while they’re talking. Instead of listening to understand, interrupting shows that you aren’t interested in what they’re saying and that what you have to say is more important, which is probably not the impression you want to give. 

Stay Present

One way to shut down communication is to hide behind a screen instead of paying attention to your partner. If you’re having a face to face conversation, put your devices to the side and stay present in the discussion. This shows your partner that talking to them is important to you. In addition to screens and other kinds of tech, clear your area of any other distractions. Turn off the TV, take out your headphones, put aside your book, pause the music. 

Talk about positive things too

Make sure you talk to your partner about positive things along with the negative! Make sure to ask your partner about positive things from their day. Keep a list of things you love about your partner, and try to work them into your conversations naturally. Find ways to show you see them and care for them. 

Use “I” Statements

Instead of framing your discussion as something about them, focus on using “I” statements. Don’t start a statement with “You”, start with “I”, and then describe how you feel. For example, instead of saying “You never make time for me anymore,” say “I feel like we aren’t spending as much time together as we used to.” Framing the conversation this way can help your partner feel less defensive and more open to hearing what you actually say, instead of trying to stick up for themselves. 

Think about your body language

When you talk to your partner, what is your posture like? Are your arms crossed? Are you facing each other, or looking away? Do they seem tense in any way? Nonverbal cues, like body language, are a valuable part of communication. You can sense your partner’s mood through the way they are holding themselves. When you want to have an open discussion with your partner, make sure your body language is open. 

If you need some extra support in learning how to communicate with your partner, we can help. Contact us today!

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therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!