Why “Should” Statements Make You Feel Worse

Do you ever have a hard time relaxing or focusing because you feel like you “should” be doing something else? 

Should statements are a fast track to feeling discouraged, anxious, and even depressed. 

Should statements are a type of cognitive distortion, or a faulty pattern of thinking. Cognitive distortions are often so automatic that we assume they’re true and don’t question the messages we get from them.  

Some people might find reminding themselves of things they should do to be motivating, but many others experience it differently. For lots of people, focusing on the things they should do leads to feelings of shame, stress, panic, and inadequacy. It doesn’t feel good to spend a lot of time thinking things like:

• “I should be a better mom.”

• “I ought to eat more vegetables.”

• “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

• “I should be able to handle this.”

• “I should clean my house more.”

These statements lead to worry, rumination, fear, and shame. They make us feel like we’re not good enough. When you say you “should” or “must” do something, is that statement actually true, or is it a way to make you feel like you will finally be good enough?

So, what can you do about should statements? They’re a normal part of having a brain, but sometimes they can spiral out of control and make you feel like you can’t do anything right. When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by shoulds, here are some things to try: 

Work on self-trust and self-forgiveness

When you are trapped in a cycle of feeling like you should do something, it can be hard to trust your instincts for what you want to do. Remind yourself of things you do well or good choices you’ve made. When you trust yourself, you’ll feel more confident in your ability to respond to your inner critic. 

Learning how to forgive yourself can also be powerful in reacting differently to should statements. Forgiving yourself frees you from the endless cycle of guilt and self loathing that often accompanies should statements. It’s okay if you don’t do everything perfectly. 

Remember that you’re human

You’re human. You can’t do it all. We all make mistakes and do things we’re not proud of in life. Beating yourself up about the things you’ve done “wrong” in the past does nothing to change the future. Realizing that you’re a person, and you’re allowed to be imperfect, can be freeing. 

If you find yourself thinking in “shoulds”, remember that the first step to doing something about it is noticing what’s happening and you’re already there! When you can notice what’s happening and refrain from judging yourself about it, it’s easier to redirect your thoughts. 

Reframe your thoughts 

Underneath all the shoulds are feelings of inadequacy, or guilt, or shame, or fear. These are all painful emotions that we don’t always know how to cope with. It takes practice to react to these feelings in a new way, but it’s possible to redirect or reframe your thoughts. 

When you notice shoulds creeping into your thoughts, notice them, remember they’re not actually your only options. Instead of saying “I should eat more vegetables,” try saying “I could eat more vegetables,” which takes away the pressure and judgment. You’re not a bad person if you don’t eat more vegetables, but it’s an option if you choose to and it feels good. Motivating yourself in a way that feels good is much more effective than trying to motivate yourself with shame. 

Look for the nuance

Cognitive distortions like should statements view the world in extremes or with hard and fast rules. In real life, there are shades of gray, and there are options other than extremes. 

When your brain is trying to tell you that you can only do things a certain way, that’s a clue to take a moment and question what’s going on. Is what your brain is saying true? Is there another choice here? Explore what’s really going on before getting swept up in your initial judgment. 

Explore where your shoulds come from 

Try to notice that inner voice that comes up when you feel like you should do something. Where did this voice come from? Understanding where the shoulds you feel come from can be helpful in learning how to respond to them in a new way. Do you feel like you’re not living up to a standard? Do you feel like you’re spending your time on the wrong things?

For example, if you constantly feel like you “should” do things related to keeping things clean, think about where that feeling of pressure comes from. Did a parent or caretaker make you feel like you weren’t good enough if you weren’t tidy? Did you grow up feeling shame about an unclean home? Lots of times the judgments we make about ourselves originate from someone that made us feel not good enough at some point. 

If you’re struggling with cognitive distortions like should statements, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help. Our clinicians are trained in CBT and can help you reframe your unhelpful thought patterns so you can cope more effectively. 

5 Mental Health Benefits of Spending Time in Nature

5 Mental Health Benefits of Spending Time in Nature

Have you ever felt mentally refreshed after spending time outside?

The idea that getting some fresh air can be beneficial to health is not a new one. It’s go-to advice for many people, because being outside in nature actually is good for you in a number of ways. 

Physically, moving your body can help you release stress, process emotions, and feel more energized. Mentally, spending time outside in nature can leave you feeling more mindful of the present moment and connected to the world around you, which can boost feelings of happiness. 

Most of us spend almost all day staring at some screen or another, and it takes its toll on our mental and physical well-being. Our bodies haven’t evolved to support us as we sit and stare at a screen, so spending all day doing that can lead to some pretty serious aches and pains. Heading outside when you have the chance is a nice change of scenery!

Nature means different things to different people. You don’t have to be deep in a forest or at the top of a mountain to benefit from nature - you can get just as much from a walk down the street as a long hike. What matters is being present to enjoy the moment and notice what’s happening around you. 

Why is nature so good for mental health? Here are 5 mental health benefits of spending time in nature: 

Helps you practice mindfulness 

Research has shown that feeling connected with nature plays a role in how it benefits you. The more strongly you feel connected to nature and the environment around you, the more positive impact on your wellbeing.

To feel more connected to nature, practice noticing your surroundings, and using your senses to take in all the information that nature has to offer. Focus on each sense one at a time to help make sense of what you’re experiencing and as a bonus it will help keep you in the present moment to enjoy it while it’s happening. 

Lowers your stress level

Life moves pretty fast, and it’s hard to keep up sometimes. Stress is something that we all deal with, but we don't all deal with it well. Some coping skills are more supportive than others, and spending time outside might help you feel less stressed than your other options. 

For example, if you’re stressed about work, you can cope in a number of ways. Just to name a few, you could vent to your friends, zone out in front of the TV, move your body, engage in a hobby, or practice positive affirmations. You could also go outside and let nature help. 

Spending time noticing what’s going on around you - which plants are growing, what animals you see or hear, the feeling of the breeze on your face - gives you something else to focus on while you calm down. In fact, research has found that being outside lowers levels of the stress hormone, cortisol, so the stress-lowering powers of nature can actually be measured. 

Improves concentration 

If you feel like you have a hard time concentrating on things these days, you’re not alone. Research has reported that our attention spans are getting shorter with the popularity of screen time and social media. In 2000, the human attention span was measured to be approximately 12 seconds, and by 2015 it had shrunk to just 8.2 seconds. 

Fortunately, spending time outside can help improve concentration and other cognitive abilities, so when you’ve had enough screen time, try heading outside.  

Gives a sense of wonder and awe

Life is a beautiful, wonderful mystery, and spending time in nature can reinforce that. Nature is often beautiful, awe inspiring, and helps us feel connected to something larger than ourselves. When we spend time in nature, we can see the ways that everything interacts with each other and realize that we are part of the interaction too. 

We can walk on ground that’s been there for millennia, and gaze up at trees that have been growing for hundreds or even thousands of years. Nature can inspire gratitude, wonder, and awe, which are all beautiful parts of being alive. 

Changes your perspective 

Nature can give us a perspective that is otherwise too abstract for our minds to understand. We often think of time in terms of the human lifespan, but nature is on a different timeline. Nature takes her time, and the bigger picture is slowly revealed. 

Think of the Grand Canyon, which started with water flowing in a river on a flat plain, and slowly dug away at the rock to form one of the most beautiful canyons in the world. Nature doesn’t worry about anyone else’s timeline. Day by day, you probably couldn’t see the changes in the rock, but after thousands of years, the difference is clear. 

Zooming out and thinking of the big picture can help you manage worries and uncomfortable feelings, because you know they won’t last forever. 

So, the next time you have a few minutes, get outside. See how it feels!

Spending time in nature has many mental health benefits, and it’s a coping skill you can keep in your mental health toolbox for when you need it. If you’re looking for other skills and tools to help support your mental health, working with a therapist can help you find what works for you.  

Mindfulness for Stress Relief

What is Mindfulness? 

What does it mean to cultivate a mindfulness practice? Is mindfulness the same as meditation? There is a lot of uncertainty surrounding the idea of mindfulness–but it’s actually quite straightforward. Being mindful is the simple act of being aware of the moment you are in, while you are in it. 

When you’re mindful, you take notice of things like: 

• What sounds are you hearing?

• What smells are around you? Where are they coming from?

• What is it that you’re doing? Is your attention focused on that act, or is your mind wandering?

Most of us are so used to being stretched in a hundred different directions, that we rarely take time to be fully present. Practicing mindfulness helps you refocus on where you are, how you’re feeling, and the elements of the environment around you. Instead of trying to multitask to get many things done in a short period of time, a mindfulness practice asks that you center yourself in one experience at a time. By doing this, you are able to commit stronger energy and mental focus to what you’re doing, accomplish it to the best of your ability, and not feel so worn out that you can’t accomplish something else. 

The good news is: we all have the ability to cultivate a mindfulness practice. The multitasking, and stretching your mental energy across too many things is a practice we learn as we grow up, and just as we learned it, we can unlearn it! With focus and intention, mindfulness can become part of our routine, and help us increase our productivity, improve our quality of work, and reduce our stress!

How does mindfulness aid with stress relief?

There are four core components to mindfulness. These work as the pillars holding up your mindfulness practice, allowing it to function. They are: 

• Awareness: simply, what is happening around you? Call your attention to your senses: what do you see, feel, hear, smell, taste? A core part of mindfulness is being aware of the immediate world around you.

• Focus: if you are doing something, such as a project or activity, where is your focus? Is it split between two, three, or more things? In order for mindfulness to be truly effective, keeping your focus on the thing you are doing at the time, dismissing wandering thoughts as they come, is necessary. 

• Acceptance: this one can be tricky for many of us, but part of mindfulness is accepting the way you are feeling, or the thoughts you are thinking without passing judgment on them. Remember: feelings are not facts. They give us valuable information about ourselves, but they do not necessarily reflect reality. Accept your thoughts & feelings without judging them, and remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with your natural reactions. 

• Observation: when you do feel these negative or unpleasant thoughts and feelings, don’t try to block them or push them aside. Observe what you’re feeling, and explore why you’re feeling it. Learn what you can, and then allow yourself to let them go, and observe what comes next. 

So, what does this mean for stress relief? 

Mindfulness helps you to switch gears from your “doing” mode to your “being” mode, which in turn helps you to reduce your stress responses.  With a strong mindfulness practice, you are able to observe a situation without immediately reacting to it. You give yourself a moment to gather your thoughts and find the best solution. And when you are more aware of yourself, your body, and your environment, you are more aware of your needs. This awareness helps you to spot problems early on before they get so bad that you’re burned out or unable to function as usual. 

And, one of the key “selling points” of cultivating a mindfulness practice, is that your sleep & focus improve. This means that your energy is much better restored each day, and when you are working, you are able to commit yourself to whatever it is you’re working on without a million tiny distractions that take up your attention and contribute to your stress. 

Practicing mindfulness for stress relief:

So how can you get started? 

1. Start with guided meditations: When you’re new to mindfulness, it can feel daunting to just jump in on your own. So don’t! There are apps that will curate a feed of guided meditations for you. If you don’t want to commit to an app, search YouTube for guided stress relief mindfulness videos! As you practice with guided meditations and find what works for you, you may be able to create your own, unique practice. 

2. Do a body scan: do you feel yourself fidgeting throughout the day? Are you distracted by the tension you hold in your body? When your mind starts to wander and it gets hard to focus don’t just try to power through. Instead, take a few minutes to figure out what it is you need. Start with your toes and work your way up; are there aches in any part of your body? Do you need to stretch? Does your head hurt? Are you thirsty? Paying attention to the physical symptoms that your stress may present in your body will help you to stay on top of them, and reduce their effects. 

3. Try deep breathing: When you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, give yourself a few minutes to focus on your breathing. Close your eyes and feel your body expand as you breathe in. Hold your breath for a moment before letting go, and then imagine yourself as a deflating balloon as you release your breath. How do you feel as you breathe deeply? This sort of exercise can help not only to calm you down in the movement, but bring yourself back to the present, refocus, and carry on without intrusive distractions.

If you're looking for support as you develop a mindfulness practice, or if you're not sure where to begin, contact us today for help!

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therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!