How to Move Through Grief with Kindness and Self-Compassion

How to Move Through Grief with Kindness and Self-Compassion

By Jamie Glidewell, LICSW, LCSW-C, LCSW, APHSW-C

“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens” ~Pema Chodron

We will all weather the different storms that grief brings to us across our lifetime.  Grief is certain and inevitable and it can be an intense, emotional, scary and difficult experience and it can bring a multitude of emotions and a host of physiological symptoms and side effects as well.

To complicate our personal and unique experiences of grief, we live in a society that is generally dismissive of the grief experience which can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and isolation.

If there was ever a time to be kind to ourselves, it would be during the different seasons of our grief.

However, it is not uncommon that we become highly self-critical and particularly unforgiving to ourselves while we are grieving.

Common critical thoughts or sentiments that come up are worries that we are grieving incorrectly, that our grief is taking too long, that something is wrong with us, that we handled things poorly with our loved one, dwelling on what could have been different, thinking about the things we should or shouldn’t have done, the list goes on. Some complicated feelings that can accompany our grief are feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame, and regret; any combination of these emotions can exacerbate grief and also impact anxiety, sadness and depression.

Softening the hard edges of grief

There is not an antidote for grief but there is an approach that can soften the hard edges of our grief. This approach entails meeting yourself with kindness and self-compassion.  The goal is not to push aside, dismiss or ignore your feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame or regret.

More so, it is to treat yourself and talk to yourself in the same way that you would a trusted friend.  It is showing up for yourself amidst your pain and allowing yourself to hold two things at the same time. For example, it is acknowledging that you may feel guilty for the way you spoke to your loved one before they died, while also holding the truth that you are human and were doing the best you could at the time.

What exactly is self-compassion?

Does this sound too vague or ambiguous at first glance?  It may help to pause here and take a deeper dive into understanding what exactly is self-compassion.  Dr. Kristin Neff has spent her life’s work researching self-compassion and creating a base of knowledge that supports the understanding that self-compassion can increase motivation, happiness, self-worth, can foster resilience, and reduce psychological distress (Neff & Germer, 2018).  There are three components to self-compassion, and they include self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness (Neff & Germer, 2018):

1. Self-compassion relates to being able to sit with the discomfort of our pain and suffering without resorting to self-judgement, criticism, blame; it relates to being able to meet these difficult and dark moments with our eyes and hearts open and with a tone of sympathy and kindness; talking to ourselves the way we would a friend or loved one. 

2. Common Humanity relates to understanding and embracing the idea that we are imperfectly human and that part of this human experience involves the inevitability of pain and suffering. Common humanity reconnects us to each other during these difficult times instead of falling into the trap of withdrawal and isolation.

3. Mindfulness involves cultivating and maintaining an awareness of how we are doing and what we need in this moment and the next. It involves recognizing the feeling and sitting with it, essentially riding the waves of emotions as they come. This encourages a more balanced approach that doesn’t dismiss what we are feeling and also doesn’t exaggerate it.

How to put self-compassion into action with grief

Given that self-compassion involves kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, the question becomes how to best apply it to your experience of grief. Below are some helpful ways to meet grief with compassion

• Meet your grief with kindness. 

  • Be curious about what you are feeling and look out for the roadblocks of guilt, blame, shame and try to recognize the ways these emotions are impacting your overall experience with grief.  Realize there is room for forgiveness, even self-forgiveness in grief.

• Remember that suffering and grief are both an important and inevitable part of being human.

  • Remember that you are not alone in these painful moments.  Community can be a helpful way to process your grief and support groups (in-person, virtual, online, or through social media platforms) can bring deep meaning, connection and a felt sense of being understood. You will learn, and grow and change around your grief and even if you can’t feel this right now, trust your fellow humans who are right here beside you.

• Be present in your grief.

  • Ride the waves of grief as they come and trust that by sitting with the pain and difficult emotions it will allow the room you need to survive what sometimes feels intolerable and insurmountable.  By being mindful of your emotions you can also be attentive and caring to yourself, this circles right back to self-compassion and offers the opportunity to be gentle, sympathetic and kind to yourself as you grieve.

This approach encourages clarity and perspective that informs a gentler approach through your grief and actually increases the resiliency to feel the intensity of the emotions such as sadness and longing without them being overshadowed or squashed by the shame or guilt. Spending less time beating yourself up gives you more space and energy to grieve and take care of yourself while grieving. 

Expressions of self-compassion

Sometimes people ask how exactly they can express self-compassion to themselves; in other words, how they can practice self-compassion each day. Some specific expressions of self-compassion include the following:

• Trusting yourself

• Giving yourself permission to grieve fully and deeply

• Slowing down

• Remembering to breathe

• Allowing yourself to rest

• Giving yourself grace when you struggle with focus, motivation, attention (or anything else, as things that were easy before the loss may be wildly difficult or unavailable to you right now)

• Finding a creative outlet

• Letting people know what you need from them

• Practicing self-forgiveness

• Being kind to yourself! Watch out for the self-criticism. Rather than beating yourself up about things, instead simply notice self-critical thoughts and release them when they come back around (as they naturally will). 

• Physical acts of self-compassion: placing a hand on your heart and feeling the warmth and pressure of your hand, giving yourself a hug, squeezing your hands together.

Above all, be patient with your grief and be patient with the journey towards self-compassion.  They both take time and self-compassion takes practice.

References: Neff, K., & Germer, C. K. (2018).The mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. Guilford Press.

How Affirmations Can Help You Be Kinder To Yourself

How Affirmations Can Help You Be Kinder To Yourself

Are you nice to yourself? 

If you’ve never actively noticed the way you talk to yourself in your head, you might be surprised. You might think that you don’t send any kind of strong messages to yourself, but you may just not be tuned in. When you start noticing the things you say to yourself, you might find that you’re pretty hard on yourself. 

If it makes you feel better, it’s not all your fault! We live in a society that is constantly trying to sell us something, so it’s a marketing tactic to make you feel negatively about yourself, and unfortunately it works. It can also be hard to talk nicely to yourself if you’ve experienced trauma or abuse. Some people find that it can be really hard to think nice things about themselves - they feel that they don’t deserve it on an intrinsic level. 

The truth is, what you think matters. Your thoughts influence your reality by creating an energy and perspective that shape your actions. Positive affirmations can help you develop a more positive perspective that leads to more positive actions. Endless negative self-talk creates a negative energy that can lead to negative actions. Whether you notice or not, the thoughts that you think influence the way you see the world. 

One way to fight against negative self-talk and be kinder to yourself is to use affirmations. 

What are affirmations?

An affirmation is an assertion or declaring that something is true. Affirmations have gained popularity recently for being a helpful piece of the self-care toolkit, but people have been using affirmations for a long time. Basically, affirmations are facts or ideas, that you then declare to be true about yourself. They can be positive or negative. For example, an affirmation can be “I am deserving of kindness.” or “I’m so annoying.” When you use an affirmation, you repeat the phrase or statement over and over to yourself. When the thought is negative, that can lead to feeling pretty badly about yourself. When an affirmation is positive, though, it can be a game changer. 

To use affirmations, you just pick a few phrases you like, and repeat them to yourself often. You can set reminders on your phone or calendar so you get in the habit of saying your affirmation at certain times of the day. You can try saying it to yourself in the mirror when you brush your teeth, or stick it next to another daily habit so it’s easy to remember. You can keep a list of affirmations on your notes app, on a sticky note, in your journal - wherever it’s easy for you to access. It might seem weird at first, but they work! 

Affirmations are like a cool little mind hack - you can talk your brain into believing something.

Research shows that using affirmations can essentially reprogram your mind. Instead of sticking with your old patterns of negative thinking and self-talk, affirmations teach your brain to make new connections. Getting into the habit of using affirmations can also help you get more familiar with the patterns in your day to day thoughts. When you notice what’s going on, you can do something to change it. 

Another great thing about affirmations is that you get to choose them. There are so many things about life that we can’t control and can’t change. One thing we can control is how we think. If you find negative thoughts and assumptions creeping in, you can choose to engage with them or not. You can decide to think about positive things to try to shift that negativity. 

We live in a world that is full of scary, uncertain things. What if you could count on one thing, always - that you would treat yourself with kindness? The certainty that you will always be kind to yourself can go a long way to making you feel more confident. You deserve to be treated with kindness, especially by yourself. 

If you’re looking to start using affirmations, here are 25 affirmations to help you be kinder to yourself:

1. I unconditionally love and accept myself. 

2. I forgive myself. 

3. I am enough. 

4. I am a person deserving of respect. 

5. I deserve to be treated with kindness. 

6. I am worthy of respect and acceptance, especially from myself. 

7. I know my worth. 

8. I am allowed to take up space. 

9. I choose not to criticize myself. 

10. I unconditionally respect myself. 

11. I am loveable and I am loved. 

12. I am capable and courageous. 

13. I deserve love, compassion, and empathy.

14. I have the courage to create boundaries. 

15. My thoughts and feelings are important. 

16. My mistakes don’t define me. 

17. I deserve to have fulfilling relationships. 

18. My life has meaning beyond what others think of me. 

19. It is a joy to get to know myself.

20. I deserve to be listened to. 

21. I do not have to be perfect all of the time. 

22. I am allowed to be flawed and worthy of respect. 

23. I am more than my negative thoughts.

24. I am proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished. 

25. I respect and love myself, and that will never change. 

If you’re looking for more support to change your mindset, our clinicians can help you on the journey to being kinder to yourself.