Understanding Your Attachment Style to Improve Your Relationships

Have you ever noticed patterns that keep coming up in your relationships with others?

If you have, you’re not alone. These patterns can often be traced back to what’s called your attachment style. Your attachment style is the way that you form relationships with the people closest to you, and it’s heavily influenced by the way you were treated by your caregivers growing up. 

Being in relationships with other people can sometimes bring up complicated feelings, and even lead us to behave in ways we don’t always understand. When we experience disconnection in our relationships, some of us might tend to pull away, while others might cling even harder to the other person. Some of us might do some combination of both. Often, these reactions aren’t something that we think about - they’re fairly automatic responses that we’ve been using since childhood.

When we talk about attachment, we often think about romantic relationships, but romantic relationships aren’t the only relationships where attachment styles come into play. The way we attach to others affects all aspects of our lives, from friendships to workplace dynamics, and even how we connect with family members. 

Understanding your attachment style more deeply can be a key to not only improving romantic partnerships, but also deepening your connection with family, friends, coworkers, and your community as a whole.

Where our attachment styles come from

Attachment theory was initially developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s. It explored the emotional connection between a child and their primary caregiver. Bowlby’s work, which was later expanded on by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, identified distinct patterns of attachment in children. These patterns are largely determined by how caregivers respond to the child’s needs for comfort and security.

Throughout childhood, the ways our caregivers respond to our emotional needs teach us what to expect from others. Emotional connection is actually a matter of life or death for us when we’re young. Think about it - without the help of a caregiver, babies wouldn’t be able to survive on their own. The care we receive as children influences how we perceive relationships as we grow up, and we carry these relational patterns into adulthood. 

If our caregivers were emotionally available and attuned when we were children, we are more likely to form secure attachments. On the other hand, inconsistent or emotionally distant caregiving can lead to developing an insecure attachment style. These patterns don't just stay within the confines of childhood—they influence how we form and maintain all kinds of relationships later in life.

What are the different attachment styles?

There are four main attachment styles that people develop in childhood: Secure Attachment, and then what are known as insecure attachment styles, which include Anxious Attachment, Avoidant Attachment, and Disorganized Attachment. 

Anxious Attachment

Anxiously attached individuals often worry about being abandoned or not being loved enough. This fear stems from inconsistent caregiving—perhaps you received comfort and attention from your caregivers some of the time, but at other times, it was unavailable. As a result, you might feel a heightened need for reassurance in relationships.

In adult relationships, this may manifest as needing constant validation from friends, partners, or even colleagues, with a persistent fear that relationships could fall apart. You might feel overly sensitive to any perceived rejection or distancing. This can be overwhelming to deal with, especially if your partner also has an insecure attachment style, and lead to wedges in your relationships, which is the opposite of what you crave. 

Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to downplay their emotional needs and prefer to be independent. This attachment style is often a result of caregivers being emotionally unavailable or dismissive of your needs when you were growing up. 

In adult relationships, you may feel uncomfortable with intimacy or vulnerability. You might prefer to keep relationships at arm’s length. This can affect romantic relationships as well as friendships, making it hard to connect deeply. You might find yourself pulling away from others when emotional closeness is expected. If your partner also has an insecure attachment style, the ways they try to gain closeness might feel suffocating to you, which leads to you pulling away further, making the cycle worse. 

Disorganized Attachment

A disorganized attachment style is often the result of trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving that fluctuates between comfort and fear. Children with this attachment style learn that their caregivers are sources of both safety and harm, creating confusion and anxiety around connection.

In adult relationships, disorganized attachment can show up as chaotic or unpredictable relationship patterns. You may feel drawn to relationships but fear being hurt, leading to push-pull dynamics or difficulty trusting others. Often, the inconsistency can be confusing for other people you’re in relationships with, and lead to further disconnection. 

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style develops when your caregivers were consistently responsive to your emotional needs when you were young. Because of this, you learned that relationships are safe, stable, and nurturing. 

In adult relationships, those with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier relationship dynamics. You likely feel comfortable being vulnerable, can trust others, and can navigate conflict with confidence. Having a secure attachment style can be a protective factor during times of relationship stress and conflict, because you trust that you will eventually return to safety together. 

How our attachment styles show up in our relationships

While we often think of attachment in the context of romantic partnerships, your attachment style can influence different relationships, including:

• Friendships: An anxiously attached person might worry excessively about whether their friends truly like them, while someone with an avoidant style might struggle to be fully present in intimate friendships.

• Workplace: In professional environments, someone with disorganized attachment may experience heightened stress around authority figures or struggle with trust and communication, while securely attached individuals are more likely to collaborate confidently.

• Family: For those with avoidant attachment, emotional distance might extend into family dynamics, leading to feelings of isolation or disconnect.

How can you determine which attachment style you tend to fall into?

Understanding which attachment style you tend to experience can help you recognize negative patterns and explain why you tend to react in certain ways when you feel disconnected in your relationships. Determining which attachment style you gravitate toward takes self reflection on your patterns from childhood to now. 

You can begin by:

• Reflecting on your childhood experiences: How did your caregivers respond when you needed comfort or support? Were they consistently available, or were their responses unpredictable? Did you feel like you could rely on your caregivers for safety?

• Noticing patterns in your relationships: Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from others? Or do you tend to pull away when people get too close? Do you find yourself in a confusing push-pull pattern? 

• Taking an online assessment: There are online quizzes and self-assessments that can help you identify your attachment style. Keep in mind that anyone can make an online quiz, though. An online assessment might be a good starting point before you begin working with a mental health professional.

• Working with a therapist: Therapy can be an excellent place to dive deeper into your attachment patterns and explore the impact they have on your adult relationships. A therapist can help you reflect on your childhood experiences as well as your adult relationships, and help you determine which attachment style you tend to experience. 

Attachment style isn’t fixed

One important thing to note is that your attachment style isn't set in stone. Your attachment style is a relational trait that can change over time, especially as you grow in self-awareness and experience new, healthier relationships. You might also experience a different attachment style in different relationships. You might experience anxious attachment with your romantic partner, and avoidant attachment with a family member, for example. 

Whichever attachment styles you experience, it’s never too late to work toward security, trust, and deeper connection. By understanding your attachment style, you can create more meaningful, fulfilling relationships in every area of your life, from romantic partners to lifelong friends. 

Are you looking for more support in your relationships? Working with a therapist can help you explore your relational patterns and understand your attachment style. Our clinicians have appointments available - contact us today to get started.

The Mental Health Benefits of Having Pets

Have you ever noticed that spending time with an animal can make you feel great?

Whether it’s the wagging tail of a dog greeting you when you come home, the soft purring of a cat curled up on your lap, or the calming sight of fish swimming in a tank, pets have an undeniable way of bringing joy into our lives, and that joy can make a big difference in your mental health. Pets offer us comfort and unconditional love, which can be protective in times when you’re struggling with your mental health. 

If you’ve ever wondered why so many people are drawn to pet ownership, it might surprise you just how much our furry (or scaly!) friends help improve our well-being, even if they’re a lot of work sometimes. Animals offer us far more than simply companionship - they become a part of our lives and our well-being, helping us to thrive mentally, emotionally, and even socially. 

Why We’re Drawn to Pets

Pets offer a deep sense of companionship, loyalty, and love. Animals don’t judge us or make us feel bad about ourselves; they simply love us. In a world that often feels overwhelming, pets provide an unwavering, safe source of affection and comfort. Taking care of a pet can remind us to take care of ourselves. After all - who’s going to take care of your beloved pet if you aren’t able to? Taking care of yourself helps you take care of your pet, and this can be helpful for those of us who feel stretched thin by responsibilities and expectations. 

The bond between humans and animals is truly unique, and the benefits of having a pet go beyond just companionship. Here are a few ways that having pets can benefit your mental health:

Manage stress

Studies have demonstrated that simply petting an animal can reduce stress. Stroking a cat’s fur or hugging a dog lowers your level of cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone, and promotes relaxation. Because of this, having a pet nearby can make stressful situations feel more manageable. 

In addition to lowering our stress hormone levels, pets offer us a reprieve from the stresses of daily life. Their presence provides an escape from our fast-paced world, encouraging us to slow down and live in the moment. Just watching your pet go about their day can be a soothing, calming experience.

Provide companionship

In moments of loneliness, having a pet by your side can make all the difference. Pets provide nonjudgmental companionship, offering unconditional love and support without any expectations. They are always there for us, whether we’re having a great day or a difficult one. 

For women who often juggle multiple roles—whether it's in the workplace, at home, or in relationships—having a pet can provide a sense of stability and comfort that feels grounding. The act of simply being in the presence of an animal has been shown to release oxytocin, a hormone that promotes bonding and reduces feelings of isolation.

Give us a routine

Caring for a pet adds structure to our day, giving us a sense of purpose and routine, which is especially helpful during periods of uncertainty. We tend to be creatures of habit, and having a routine can be protective for your mental health, especially when times are tough. Knowing that you need to take the dog out or give the cat his medicine adds structure and purpose to your day to day routine. Our pets’ routines can give us something positive to focus on, which can be calming.

Encourage physical activity

Moving your body can boost your mood, reduce anxiety, and even improve your energy levels.  Pets give us a perfect opportunity to engage in physical activity. This is especially true for pets that require lots of activity, like dogs. Pets keep us moving, whether we’re taking the dog for a walk, playing fetch, or chasing the cat around the house.. Physical activity has a profound impact on mental health, boosting mood, reducing anxiety, and improving overall energy levels. Even if you don’t have a dog, spending time with pets, playing, grooming, or caring for them, creates small but meaningful moments of movement and engagement.

Facilitate social connections

Pets help us connect with other people, which is essential to us as social animals. Think about it -  pets are great conversation starters! Whether it’s chatting with other dog owners at the park or striking up a conversation at the vet’s office, pets create opportunities for social interaction that we wouldn’t always get without them. Even for those of us who struggle with anxiety in social situations, pets can act as an icebreaker, making it easier to connect with others.

If you’re feeling isolated, particularly if you work from home or live alone, having a pet can fill that void. Surveys of pet owners have shown that people who own pets often feel a stronger sense of community and belonging, even if it’s just from connecting with fellow pet owners. Reducing loneliness and fostering a sense of inclusion and community can have a positive impact on your overall mental health. 

Help explore new interests

In addition to facilitating social connections, becoming a pet owner can introduce you to new hobbies and interests. Whether it’s learning about pet care, joining a community of pet lovers, or discovering a favorite walking route, pets open the door to new experiences that enrich our lives. Trying new things is powerful for our brains - it can help support our cognitive abilities, and be protective as we age, in addition to providing us with variety and fun. 

Encourage mindfulness and staying present

Animals live entirely in the present moment. Our pets can teach us to be more connected to the present rather than worrying about the future or stressing about the past. Pets don’t worry about what people think of them. They don’t care about your job or your love life, or that chore you’ve been avoiding. They just care about being with you, right now, which can be a helpful reminder to enjoy all of life’s moments, big or small. Pets encourage us to be more mindful of the here and now—something that can be incredibly healing for our mental health. Mindfulness is a powerful skill that can help with anxiety, depression, and even chronic pain relief. 

Show us unconditional love

There’s nothing like experiencing the unconditional love of a pet. We are the entire world to our beloved animals, and it’s clear to see when they’re delighted as you walk through the door, when they curl up next to you, or when they respond to your voice. Pets offer us unconditional love, even when we feel like we don’t deserve it, which can be especially powerful.

Give us a reason to keep going

Being a person is hard, and there are times when it’s tough to find a reason to keep going. Pets  can be a big source of comfort during tough times. Our pets give us a sense of stability in our lives, and can make us feel needed. Caring for pets can help us feel a sense of purpose that’s greater than ourselves, and that can make a big difference for people. After all, that’s why people are drawn to art, religion, and nature, to name a few. 

Pet ownership isn’t the only way to tend to your mental health, of course. Making time for regular self care, social connections, and working with a therapist are other ways to support your mental health. If you’d like to start working with a therapist, our clinicians are accepting appointments. Get started here.

IMPROVE the Moment: Coping with Distress with DBT

One of the hard truths in life is that no matter how much self care, healing, or therapy you go through, there are still always going to be things in our lives we can’t control, and sometimes those things are going to be painful. From large scale things we can’t change, like death or disease, to small scale things like disappointing others or feeling heartbreak, there will always be things out of the orbit of our control. 

That loss of control we experience can make us feel helpless, or anxious, or depressed, or even scared. It’s hard to come to terms with things we can’t control, and it takes a lot of practice. And without learning how to practice, sometimes it feels easier in the moment to find ways to numb or distract ourselves instead–usually because we don’t have the resources to navigate these feelings any other way! And while distraction or self numbing can ease suffering in the short term, they don’t offer us long term solutions, and can create new obstacles for us to overcome when we’re finally ready to access what we’re feeling. 

Within Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) there’s something called distress tolerance skills. These skills, habits and practices are things we can learn within a supportive environment, and they can help us learn to tolerate and navigate through distress, rather than be taken over by it. 

One of these skills is the IMPROVE the moment skill.  

As you may have guessed, IMPROVE is an acronym, to help you remember the components of the skill which include:

I: imagery. 

Imagine yourself in a different situation than where you are now. Take yourself somewhere safe, calming, reassuring, and grounding. As you imagine yourself there, try to tap into what those safe feelings are. Are you breathing deeply? Are you grounded in your environment?

Another option for Imagery is to imagine the best outcome of the scenario you’re currently in. What is the best option here? How can you get yourself there? 

M: Meaning

It can be easier to cope with pain when you’re also able to find meaning in your situation. Are you spiritual? Can you find spiritual meaning in your experience? You may need to talk to your spiritual advisors or community to explore this. 

P: Prayer

Prayer can be incredibly helpful in times of crisis, and it doesn’t have to be religious nature. If you consider yourself spiritual, prayer is a way to connect with your spirituality by simply putting intention behind your words or rituals in an effort to connect with something outside of yourself. 

R: Relaxation. 

What can you do in moments of distress to help yourself relax? Can you practice breathwork or grounding exercises? Can you engage in a full body scan, checking in with each part of your body to see where it needs attention and care, or where you’re holding your tension? Can you go for a walk? Try to keep a list of effective relaxation methods for yourself, so that you can easily refer to it in moments of high stress. 

O: One Thing in the Moment. 

Distress often forces us out of the present moment, ruminating on past mistakes or feeling anxious about the future. When you make an effort to simply bring your attention to what you’re doing in the present moment, you can help reduce that distress and rumination. 

V: Vacation. 

Can you find a way to take some distance from this experience? You may not be able to actually take a vacation, but finding ways to give yourself intentional breaks is key when managing distress. Staying in the thick of a distressing moment can actually make it harder to navigate through–giving yourself time to destress can help you gain perspective, and feel more able to manage what you need to. 

E: Encouragement. 

What you say to yourself matters! When you catch yourself saying something negative to yourself, try to notice how it makes you feel. Probably bad! When you take time to say nice things to yourself like, “this sucks but I can get through it” how do you feel? You don’t need to say something overly positive that you don’t believe–but even just giving yourself kudos for getting through a hard situation can be very powerful. 

Are you interested in DBT? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer DBT therapy in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com

Supporting Your Mental Health During Your Freshman Year of College

Starting your freshman year of college is an exciting time, and it can also be overwhelming. 

Going to college is a huge transition, even if it’s one you’re ready for. For many, it’s their first time living on their own and being in charge of their own time. The academic work is harder. You have to learn how to manage your time and meet your own needs in a way that might be new to you. You might be living in a new city where you don’t know anyone, or even how to get around. And all of these changes happen in a few short weeks!

Life transitions, like starting college, can make a big impact on your mental health.

Why are life transitions, like going to starting your freshman year of college, so hard?

Even though change is a reality of life, it’s still hard to go through. You can even be really excited about the change and still have a hard time adapting to it. That’s because our brains love routine. When we interrupt the routine that our brain knows, it feels uncomfortable. It takes time to establish a new routine that feels safe and comforting, the way your old one did. 

You’re probably going to feel like a totally different person in a few months once your first semester of college is over, because college is an intense experience. In addition to the academic side, the social side of college and tasting adult independence for the first time can make a big change in how you move through the world. You might gain confidence, understand yourself better, and feel more capable than you do right now. 

Of course, not every college freshman is 18 years old and brand new to adulthood. Even if your freshman year of college isn’t the first time you had a taste of independence as an adult, finding a school-life balance that works for you might take some trial and error. 

Finding the right ways to take care of your mental health as an adult takes some trial and error. If you’re working on supporting your mental health during your freshman year of college, here are some things to keep in mind to help you: 

Put yourself out there

While college is academic, the social experience of higher education is an important piece for many people. It can be intimidating to have to build up a whole new social circle out of thin air. The nice thing about going to college is that everyone is kind of in the same boat - most people don’t know each other. Most people are looking to make new friends and social connections to help them through the next few years of school, and maybe beyond. The first few weeks of college, there will be numerous opportunities for you to meet new people. Even if you’re not typically a super social person, making the most of those first few months at school and going to events that interest you can help you meet new people. You don’t have to go to every little thing, but try to pick a few groups or clubs that interest you, and start there. 

If you’re living on campus, go to the activities your dorm throws until you meet some people and can plan your own activities. Keep your door open when you’re able to so people can drop by in the first few weeks of school and you can get to know them. If you’re living off campus, it can be especially important to go to events to meet people because you don’t have the opportunity to meet people in the dorms.

Don’t overload yourself 

While it’s important to join groups or try new things in college, it’s also critical that you don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Don’t take more classes than you can handle. Don’t join more groups than you can actually commit to. Don’t stretch yourself too thin. You’ll have time to do the things you want to do. You don’t have to do it all fall semester freshman year. 

Setting boundaries can be helpful when you’re working to not overwhelm yourself. Whether it’s with your roommate(s), your friends, study partners, coworkers, or family, it’s okay to let people know what you’re able to do and what you’re not available for. 

Remember that everyone is feeling the same pressure 

The first few weeks of college are weird and they go by really fast. Everyone is feeling the same pressure to make friends and figure out who they are on campus. You’re not the only one who is going through this intense experience, and you’re certainly not the only one struggling. It might be helpful to remind yourself that most people are probably feeling pretty vulnerable, even if you find them intimidating. Be compassionate with yourself as you navigate this major transition. 

Lean on your support system

Freshman year of college is one of the first times you can lean on your support system as an adult. We all need sources of support in our lives, and knowing who your support system is can help you in moments when you’re struggling with your mental health. Think ahead of time who you can call or text for help when you need a friendly shoulder to lean on. Maybe it’s friends from home, family, a therapist from home if you have one, a former coworker, a former teacher, a family friend, or a spiritual leader. 

Your support system can also include yourself, and things that you do for yourself. It might also feel comforting to lean on things that make you feel better when you’re overwhelmed, like hobbies that calm you down or self care activities that help you feel replenished. 

Utilize campus resources

One of the great things about most college campuses is that they have tons of resources for students. In addition to clubs and student organizations, your college might offer mental health support on campus, whether it's with a therapist in the student health center or with a peer support person. Look into what kind of resources your school offers before you get there so you have an idea of where you can turn to for help. Try to familiarize yourself with where they are and how you can get an appointment so that’s one less thing to do when you’re emotionally activated. 

Go back to basics 

Life transitions are tough on our mental health, and going back to the basics of self-care can be a buffer against distress during this time. Make sure to get enough sleep, even when there’s a million things to do. Get enough to eat, stay hydrated, and move your body if you can in a way that feels good to you. Take your meds if you have any. Get outside if the weather allows for it. 

Make time for creativity and mindfulness, even if it’s just doodling for a few minutes between classes. Establishing good self care habits as you transition to college can help you have a more positive experience. 

Think big picture

It can be shocking to get to college and struggle academically or socially (especially if you didn’t struggle that way in high school), and it can make you feel like you’re messing things up or that you’re sticking out like a sore thumb. Try to keep in mind that not everything you’re concerned about will end up being a big deal to you. 

It can be hard to talk yourself down when you’re in a panic over a bad grade or a big exam but try to think if this will matter in 5 minutes, 5 months, and 5 years. Most situations aren’t actually going to knock you off track even if they feel intense at the time. You can acknowledge that this is tough right now, in the moment, and recognize that it likely will not totally ruin your life in the big picture. 

Work with a therapist 

If you’re starting your freshman year of college (or any year of college), it’s important to have a good support system in place, and that can include a mental health provider. Working with a therapist as your college experience begins can help you adjust to the change while still taking care of your mental health. It can also you give you at least one hour that’s just focused on your wellness every week, which can be helpful. 

Our team of therapists at Hope+Wellness can help you with the major life transition of starting your freshman year of college. Whether you’d prefer a virtual appointment or to come into one of our offices in Northern Virginia or D.C., our clinicians have experience supporting college students during this time of change and growth. Contact us today to get started. 

What is Spiritually Integrated Therapy?

When you think of wellness, what do you think?

Do you think of the food you eat, or the movement you enjoy? You might think of taking your medicine, or tending to your stress before it overpowers you. Maybe you even consider the frequency with which you get outside amongst nature. 

Do you consider your spiritual wellness?

Spiritual wellness asks us to explore our beliefs, our values, and how we connect with and interact with the world we live in. It asks us to think deeper than the present moment, and find a larger meaning to pursue. Being spiritually well can mean feeling in alignment with your beliefs and actions, and aid in reducing feelings of depression, anxiety, listlessness, or an overall lack of purpose. 

To engage with spiritual wellness, you don’t have to be religious. While religion is one pathway to spirituality, it is not the only one! Spirituality is simply a sense of connectedness to something greater than yourself, and it means different things to different people. For some it might be connecting with a higher power, for others it might be connecting with their community. Others may find their spirit fulfilled in nature, or through music. 

Other ways spirituality can be present in your life can include: 

• Meditation

• Prayer

• Yoga 

• Community gatherings

• Volunteer work

• Journaling

The purpose of spirituality is to help you connect with and make sense of your world. It helps to guide your path, to figure out what your values are and how to act with them in mind. Basically, spirituality is how we make sense of the world and the time we’re given in it. 

The mind, body, spirit connection

It’s commonly accepted (and well researched) that our thoughts (mental wellness) and our bodies (physical wellness) are connected. When one ails, so does the other, and vice versa. The wellness we feel overall can’t simply be split between mental and physical wellness, because they’re so intertwined. This helps us understand our wellness as holistic–we can’t just pick a single spot to treat when we aren’t well. We’re whole, complicated beings, and we need to honor that in ourselves. 

The mind, body, spirit connection then helps us understand that this connection, this symbiotic relationship doesn’t only exist between what we think and what we experience in our bodies–but it also includes our spiritual wellness.
Feeling empowered, alive, and connected to the world you exist in is a key part of what spirituality provides us–and it’s also a cornerstone to mental health. In understanding this connection, we can find new ways to care for ourselves by caring for our spirituality. 

What is Spiritually Integrated Therapy?

Within Spiritually Integrated Therapy, your therapist will make use of your spiritual beliefs and incorporate them into your care. Rather than being rooted in a single expression of spirituality or religion, spiritually integrated therapy will draw on your connection to your spirituality, to work within your core values and beliefs to help facilitate your growth and healing.

Spiritually integrated therapy can help you: 

• Find and feel a sense of love and compassion toward yourself

• Explore your sense of meaning and purpose in life

• Connect more deeply to your beliefs and values to heal old wounds

• Depend on spirituality as a source of strength and comfort

• Make space in your life to connect to something larger than yourself 

At Hope+Wellness, we believe in the healing power connecting with your spirituality and its potential to enhance your mental health and well-being. By incorporating spirituality into your life, you can find balance, reduce stress, and foster a deeper connection with yourself and the world around you. If you’re seeking additional support or guidance, our therapists are here to help you navigate your path to wellness. Contact us today to get started with one of our clinicians. 

Getting To Know Your Inner Child

Do you interact with your inner child?

We all have an inner child within us. These younger versions of ourselves can be powerful tools in understanding and healing emotional wounds from the past, which can help you feel safer and more confident in the present.  

Learning how to listen to your inner child isn’t a skill we often learn growing up, and it might seem a little strange at first. But the more you learn to tune into what this younger self wants, the easier it will be to recognize the times when your inner child needs support. For example, in moments when you find yourself reacting strongly to something minor, or feeling inexplicable sadness, your inner child might be trying to communicate with you.

What Is Your Inner Child?

Your inner child is the part of you that holds the experiences, emotions, and memories from your childhood. This mental version of yourself represents the little person you used to be—full of wonder, joy, hopes, secrets, fears, and insecurities. Your inner child carries with them both the joyful memories of childhood play and exploration, as well any pain and trauma of unmet needs, rejection, neglect, or abuse. 

As we get older, our inner child stays with us, and this younger version of ourselves can influence the way we respond to things in adulthood. Connecting with your inner child is about recognizing and honoring this younger you, as well as understanding what they need, and helping them to heal old wounds. 

Why does childhood stuff matter when we’re adults?

Childhood is a hugely significant time, where we develop, among other things, our sense of self, our beliefs about the world, and how we relate to others. We have needs as children, and it can be a matter of life or death when we don’t get our needs met as kids. In addition to our physical needs as small humans, we have emotional and relational needs when we’re young, like knowing that we’re loved and valued, that we’re safe, and that we’re good enough. 

When our childhood needs aren’t met—whether due to neglect, abuse, trauma, or even just well-intentioned but misguided parenting—we can carry these wounds into adulthood and they impact how we respond to things. 

These unresolved wounds from childhood often show up in what we believe about ourselves: that we’re not good enough, that love is conditional, or that the world is a dangerous place. These beliefs can play a role in many areas of our lives, from our careers to our romantic relationships, often in ways we’re not even consciously aware of.

Signs that inner child work can help you

We all have an inner child, so most people can benefit from inner child work or inner child therapy at some point. That being said, these are some signs that inner child work might be a good idea for you: 

• You find yourself stuck in repetitive emotional cycles—like feeling abandoned, unloved, or overly defensive—and don’t like the patterns you’re seeing

• You struggle with feelings of inadequacy, fear of failure, or constant self-criticism 

• You have trouble forming or maintaining healthy relationships with others

• You struggle with deep-seated anxiety or fears that feel overwhelming or difficult to understand

All of these can be signs that your inner child needs your attention. 

Benefits of inner child work

If you’re not in the habit of listening to your inner child, you might be wondering what the benefits are of beginning this type of work. After all, digging into old wounds and traumas can be dysregulating. If you’re going to go through the emotional rollercoaster of bonding with your inner child, you want to know that it can actually help you. 

Inner child work can help you: 

• Heal old wounds and move forward from trauma by reparenting yourself with compassion

• Build resilience and navigate your life with more ease and confidence

• Learn to trust yourself, especially with the parts of you that have been hurt or neglected

• Increase self-awareness and learn how to meet your own needs kindly 

• Develop healthier and more fulfilling relationships that aren’t driven by past wounds

When inner child work is triggering

Inner child work can bring up painful memories and emotions, which can feel overwhelming at times. If you find yourself triggered, make sure to pause and breathe deeply to ground yourself in the present moment. 

Be compassionate with yourself when you're emotionally activated. It’s normal to feel a range of emotions when you’re unpacking serious topics like childhood wounds. Working with a therapist who is trained in modalities like Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and who has experience guiding inner child work can help you move through this process safely. 

How to get to know your inner child

Getting to know your inner child is a journey of self-discovery and healing. It’s about honoring the child within you, understanding their needs, and providing the care they’ve longed for. While the process can be challenging, the rewards—greater self-awareness, emotional freedom, and a more fulfilling life—are well worth the effort. Here’s how you can start: 

Practice self-reflection

The first step to getting to know your inner child is to start to notice it, and the best way to do that is to spend time reflecting. Take time to sit quietly and reflect on your childhood. What memories come up? What do you remember struggling with back then? What emotions are present? What physical sensations do you experience? What do you wish you could tell your younger self? What did you need as a child that you didn’t receive? 

Questions like these can give you insight into the needs and wounds of your inner child so you can start to anticipate when they’ll need extra support. If you know that your inner child has a deep fear of abandonment, you can start to anticipate emotional reactions from your inner child when this abandonment wound is activated. 

Keep an inner child journal

Writing down your thoughts and emotions can help you connect with your inner child’s needs. 

You can use your journal as a place to validate and prioritize this younger version of yourself. You can journal like you’re writing as your younger self, or like you’re writing to your younger self, whichever feels better for you. It may even be helpful to record your observations from your self reflection in this journal so you can refer back to it. 

Try to use writing implements you liked when you were a kid when you use your journal. Maybe you’ll write in sparkly gel pen, or crayon, or even draw pictures to help illustrate things. 

Make time for play

Play is how we learn when we’re young, and it’s essential for our developmental well-being. You can utilize play as a way to get closer to your younger self and meet their needs. Your inner child thrives in moments of play and creativity. 

If you’re wondering where to start with play, think about the things that you enjoyed as a child.  Maybe you liked drawing, or dancing, or playing with toys. Maybe you were into playing sports. Maybe you always had your nose in a book. Whatever it is that used to bring you joy, start there to reconnect with your inner child’s joy and needs.

Keep the lines of communication open

Make it a habit to talk to your inner child regularly. Imagine speaking directly to your little self. What do they want to say? What do they need from you now? This dialogue can be incredibly healing.

When your younger self is no longer screaming for your attention, does anything shift for you? Keeping the lines of communication open with the younger versions of yourself can help you establish trust in yourself - that you won’t abandon yourself, even when it gets messy.  

If you’re interested in inner child work and need support, our therapists can help. Get in touch with us today to schedule an appointment!

5 Tips to Connect with Your Child Using Love Languages

Have you ever heard of Love Languages?

The idea was developed by Gary Chapman in response to several unhappy marriages (including his own) within his church’s congregation. Chapman’s five love languages include words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service, and the idea is that each person has one love language that means more to them when it comes to expressing and receiving affection. 

While love languages aren’t an exact science–it’s perfectly common for people to feel that multiple love languages resonate with them–they are a useful tool in remembering the intention that has to inform our most significant relationships. It can also help give some perspective when we feel people in our life are not valuing us or showing affection–perhaps they express love in a way different to yours, and they have been doing their best to show it consistently. 

In parenting, the idea of love languages can also be helpful in finding meaningful ways to connect with your child. 

By noticing how your child likes to express their affection toward friends, family, pets, and other loved ones, you can find meaningful ways to make sure your child feels seen and loved, which is crucial for them to develop a secure attachment style. Here are some ways you can tell which “love language” styles are the most meaningful & comforting for your child: 

Words of Affirmation: 

How it shows up in them: 

• Beaming when you tell them they’ve done a good job

• Giving lots of compliments to friends/family/loved ones  

• Repeating praise given to them over and over 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Put a note in their coat pocket/backpack/lunchbox 

• Tell them how much you love them at bed time/when you wake them up

• Tell them how much you missed them when greeting them 

• When they’ve done poorly/get a bad grade/etc, tell them how proud you are of them for trying 

Physical touch: 

How it shows up in them: 

• Greeting you with a hug

• Frequently asking to cuddle 

• Wanting to high five 

• Holding your hand/arm/leg/etc.

• Playing with your hair when sitting next to you

• Staying very close in your space 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Greet them with a hug! 

• Play with their hair 

• Ask them to snuggle up with you 

• Lay down next to them at the start of nap/bedtime 

• Rub their back when they’re upset

• Games like “this little piggy”, twister, piggyback rides 

• Make up a handshake with them

Receiving gifts: 

How it shows up in them: 

• Often making crafts, drawings, cards, etc. for others 

• Difficulty throwing away things given to them by others 

• Wanting to pick out “something special” for others or surprise them with a treat 

• Getting excited when you give them 

• Giving you handmade items 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Add a treat in their lunchbox now and then

• Have them help you pick gifts out for siblings/loved ones/etc

• Send them something in the mail 

• Give them something handmade 

• Tailor their gifts to their interests 

Quality time: 

How it shows up in them: 

• “Hey, watch this!”

• “Come here, I want to show you something!” 

• Wanting a friend to ride home on their bus 

• Wanting to go with you when you leave the house

• Always asking “what are you doing?” 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Bringing your child with you while you run errands

• Set aside time to play with them however they want 

• Journal together 

• Stop what you’re doing to talk to them when they get home 

• Read to/with them 

Acts of Service: 

How it shows up in them: 

• Asking you to tie their shoes

• Trying to help when you’re doing chores 

• Leaving water for the mailman when it’s hot 

• Helping their friend during a game 

• Helping a classmate with schoolwork 

Ways you can engage with it:

• Carrying them to bed/tucking them in

• Waking them up in the morning with breakfast 

• Brushing/doing their hair 

• Checking out library books for them

• Sitting down with them while they do homework

• Making their favorite meal

• Helping them practice for a sports game/music recital/etc.

Of course, a good mix of all of these love languages is best for your child’s relationship with you and developing secure attachment within relationships. Instead of picking one language with which to express your love to your child, pepper in their less used languages as well. And be sure to recognize when they are using these different methods to show love to you, and let them know it’s been lovingly received.

Are you looking for more support with parenting? Working with a therapist on parenting concerns can help you find more ways to cope and build your confidence as a parent. Get in touch with our office today to get started.

5 Ways Nature Can Help Your Mental Health

Have you ever wondered why it feels so good, mentally and physically, to spend time in nature? 

You’re not alone. Nature offers many benefits 

Integrating nature into your self-care routine can be a powerful way to nurture your mental well-being and find balance in a demanding world. While it can be tricky to add in nature time to our already busy schedules, the benefits of nature on our overall sense of wellness can make it worth the trouble. 

Why is nature so helpful to our mental health?

Research consistently shows that spending time in nature offers numerous mental health benefits, in addition to just being fun. Here are a few key advantages of nature for mental health: 

Reduced stress and anxiety

Nature has a calming effect on the mind. Being in natural surroundings or even viewing nature scenes can lower cortisol levels, reduce stress, and alleviate anxiety. It feels soothing to our nervous systems to be surrounded by nature. Spending time outside or in nature can be a helpful skill for regulating your nervous system.  

Improved mood

Exposure to natural light and fresh air can enhance your mood and energy levels. Simply put - our bodies love to be outside, and making time for that can spark joy, wonder, contentment, and ease. It feels good to go outside. Nature can also boost the production of serotonin, the “feel-good” hormone, helping to combat depression.

Enhanced focus and creativity

Time spent in nature can improve concentration, attention, and creativity. The natural environment offers a mental break from the constant stimulation of technology and urban life, which can make it easier to unlock creative thoughts and harness your artistic side. Time spent outdoors can also help improve your level of focus! If you’re having a hard time concentrating, try taking a nature break and see if your focus is improved when you come back inside. 

Gives us a sense of wonder and belonging

Nature is awe-inspiring, and often helps us remember that we are a small part of a big world, and that we are connected to the other life forms around us. Feeling a sense of wonder is a big perk of being human - not all creatures can appreciate the beauty and awe of the natural world! Nature fosters a sense of connection and belonging to a community that is bigger than just us. It reminds us that we are part of a larger ecosystem, which can be grounding and reassuring.

It’s good for your physical health

Engaging in outdoor activities promotes physical health, which is closely linked to mental well-being. Supporting your physical health often improves your mental health. Spending time in nature can boost endorphins, improve cardiovascular health, and enhance overall vitality. 

How to incorporate nature into your self-care routine

Nature has many important benefits for our health, but it can be tricky to figure out how to add in more time in nature to your routine. Incorporating nature into your self-care routine doesn’t require drastic changes or extensive outdoor adventures (although if that’s what you’d like, you’re welcome to have as many outdoor adventures as you want). 

Incorporating nature into your self-care routine is about making intentional choices to prioritize your mental well-being. It might take some trial and error to find out what works best for you and your routine. Try blocking out time in your calendar for nature activities, just as you would for any other important appointment. Don’t bite off more than you can chew - begin with small, manageable changes to keep things sustainable, and gradually increase the amount of time you spend in nature as it becomes a regular part of your routine. 

It might also be helpful to combine nature with other self-care practices you enjoy, such as reading a book in the park or having a picnic with friends. Finally, remember to be flexible and adaptable. If weather or circumstances prevent you from going outside, find ways to experience nature indoors or through virtual nature experiences.

Here are some practical and accessible ways to bring nature into your life on a regular basis:

Take daily nature breaks

Make it a point to get outside for at least a few minutes every day. Set an alarm on your phone or put a note on your calendar so that you actually are forced to stop and take a break. It’s all too easy to intend to get outside and then get distracted by other things, so building it into your schedule can make it simpler to follow through.

Take short breaks throughout your day to step outside, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Breathe in the fresh air, feel the sunlight on your skin, and observe your surroundings. These mini nature breaks can help reset your mind and reduce stress. Making time for this kind of break a few times a day can make a big difference in your overall stress level. 

Incorporate mindfulness

It’s all too easy to get outside and then spend the whole time looking at your phone or email, or thinking about something else. A mindfulness practice can help you make the most of these moments in nature. Try practicing meditation or mindfulness in a natural setting. Find a quiet spot in a park or near a body of water, sit comfortably, and focus on your breath. Allow the sounds of nature to guide your meditation, promoting relaxation and inner peace.

You can also try to incorporate mindful walking into your routine. Choose a nearby park, garden, or nature trail, and walk slowly, paying attention to the sights, sounds, and smells around you. Mindful walking in nature can be a meditative practice that enhances your connection to the present moment, so you can reap the benefits of your time spent outside. 

Practice movement outdoors

When you feel like exercising or moving your body, aim to do so outdoors whenever possible. Whether it’s yoga in the park, jogging along a trail, or cycling through your neighborhood, outdoor exercise combines the benefits of physical activity with the rejuvenating effects of nature.

Get into gardening

Gardening can be another great way to make nature a part of your life. If you have access to a garden or even a small balcony, consider gardening as a therapeutic activity. Tending to plants, flowers, or herbs can be a calming and rewarding way to connect with nature and nurture your mental health, in addition to being a fun and fulfilling hobby.

Keep a nature journal

Journaling is a wonderful way to reflect on your experiences. Start a nature journal to document your experiences outdoors. Write about your observations, feelings, and reflections during your time in nature. Nature journaling can enhance your appreciation for the natural world and provide insights into your emotional state, as well as be a way to enhance your creativity. 

Bring nature inside

This is especially important in the winter months, where spending time in nature is harder due to the weather. Try to bring elements of nature into your home or workspace. Decorate with plants, flowers, natural materials, or nature-inspired artwork. Create a calming and soothing environment that reminds you of the outdoors so you can enjoy the benefits of nature year round.

At Hope+Wellness, we believe in the healing power of nature and its potential to enhance your mental health and well-being. By incorporating nature into your self-care routine, you can find balance, reduce stress, and foster a deeper connection with yourself and the world around you. If you’re seeking additional support or guidance, our therapists are here to help you navigate your path to wellness. Contact us today to get started with one of our clinicians. 

What You Should Know About Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy

There’s not just one way to approach healing, which is why there are so many different types of therapy modalities. Different healing modalities work better for different people and different situations. Some modalities that we use at Hope+Wellness include Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Psychodynamic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), EMDR, and Exposure and Response Prevention.

One therapeutic approach we’ve found particularly powerful is Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. Whether you're dealing with anxiety, chronic pain, disordered eating, or relationship challenges, IFS offers a compassionate, non-pathologizing path to self-understanding and healing. Internal Family Systems therapy can be an effective way to heal and transform your internal world. Here’s what you should know about it!

What is Internal Family Systems therapy?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy was first developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, and has since evolved to support individuals, couples, and families.

The main idea behind Internal Family Systems therapy is that our mind is not a single entity but a system of parts, each with its own perspectives, feelings, and roles. These parts are often in conflict, which can lead to emotional distress and mental health issues. Rather than there just being one true version of ourselves, IFS recognizes that we often have subpersonalities and different parts that can contribute to distress when they are not in alignment. These parts each play different roles, like different members of a family. 

IFS helps individuals understand and heal their internal world by focusing on the relationship between these parts. Internal Family Systems views everyone as having a Self that is wise, compassionate, and capable of leading the internal system (your internal family of parts) toward healing and harmony. 

What are the different “parts” in IFS?

Within our Self, we are made up of many different parts, that each play a role in our internal system. Each part plays a different role. There are no “bad” parts, but sometimes a particular part will play an extreme role that impacts the whole system, which can lead to distress. 

Imagine your different parts like a family - they may all share the common goal of wanting what’s best for you, but they may have different ideas of how to make that happen. These differences between parts can lead to tension and distress. 

The different parts in IFS often include:

• Protector parts: Parts that have developed to protect the Self in difficult or upsetting situations

• Manager parts: These parts help us direct our daily functioning, enable us to meet our own needs, help us stick to our goals, and try to avoid perceived danger

• Firefighter parts: These parts respond when we perceive danger and try to help us cope, sometimes through self-destructive behaviors.

• Exile parts: These parts hold on to burdens - trauma, intrusive thoughts, bad memories, etc. These parts are often child-like, and we often do our best to push them away or ignore them. 

How does IFS work?

IFS therapy can help you take a non-judgmental look and help decrease conflict between your parts, which can help you feel more resilient. It involves working with a therapist to explore and understand your internal system. Here’s a basic overview of how it typically works:

1. Identifying Your Parts: You and your therapist will identify and get to know the various parts of your internal system. These parts can include protectors, exiles, and more.

2. Understanding Roles: Each part has a role or function. Protectors, for example, work to keep you safe from pain or harm, often by employing strategies that may have been useful in the past but are no longer helpful.

3. Building Relationships: Through compassionate dialogue, you build relationships with your parts, understanding their fears, concerns, and needs.

4. Accessing the Self: The goal is to help you access your core Self, which can then interact with and heal the wounded parts. The Self is seen as a natural leader capable of bringing calm, clarity, and confidence to your internal system.

5. Healing and Integration: As parts feel heard and understood, they can begin to trust the Self and let go of extreme roles, leading to greater internal harmony and well-being.

Healing through IFS takes time. Each session builds upon the last, gradually uncovering and addressing deeper layers of your internal system. Like any therapeutic process, IFS requires commitment - regular sessions and active participation in the process are essential for meaningful progress. 

It’s important to choose a therapist you feel safe with, and who is experienced in IFS, because a safe and supportive therapeutic relationship is crucial for effective IFS work. In addition, IFS can be integrated with other therapeutic approaches, so you can discuss with your therapist how IFS can complement other methods you may be using.

What are the benefits of IFS?

IFS therapy offers numerous benefits, making it a valuable approach for many individuals.IFS addresses the whole person, integrating mind, body, and spirit in the healing process. As it is a non-pathologizing modality, it doesn’t focus on diagnosis, instead viewing symptoms as normal reactions to life’s stressors or trauma. This can be especially powerful to people who have been pathologized or discriminated against due to a diagnosis in the past. Even though IFS doesn’t focus on diagnosis, it can be helpful with anxiety, PTSD, OCD, depression, substance use, bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder, and eating disorders. 

Learning to understand and empathize with your internal parts can help you cultivate a deeper sense of self-compassion and acceptance. IFS can also help heal emotional wounds and trauma by addressing the parts that are holding painful experiences. 

Increased insight into your internal world can help you improve your relationships with others, because you’ll be less distressed by internal conflicts that then spill over into your interactions. Finally, learning how to access and trust your Self is empowering. Knowing how to tune in to your internal system can help you to navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience and confidence.

If you’re dealing with issues like anxiety, burnout, or trauma, IFS can provide the tools and insights you need to create a more harmonious and fulfilling life. If you’re interested in learning more about IFS therapy or working with a therapist who utilizes IFS, reach out to our office today for more information. 

How to Practice Reaching Out After Self Isolating

The problem with loneliness is it can be a self reinforcing perspective. 

We all feel lonely from time to time, but sometimes the loneliness grows so big, we don’t feel like we can escape it. When loneliness is that all consuming, our whole world view can become twisted by that loneliness, convincing us that our cruel, self-isolating thoughts are true. 

When we’re lonely, it can start to feel like there must be a reason for it, and that reason must be us. We start to feel like we’re broken and that it must be good, in a way, that we’re alone, because in such a deep depression it can feel hard to remember how to connect with others. 

The only way to heal our loneliness is by connecting with others–but like many unhelpful patterns, loneliness can become familiar, and the threat of the unknown can feel greater than the threat of loneliness. And the longer we self isolate, the harder it becomes to reach out to people. We feel shame at how long it’s been since we reached out, or fear that our loved ones will be upset with us–or worse, have no desire to have us back in their lives now that we’ve been out of them for so long. All of these things make it harder and harder to break out of self isolating once you’ve begun. 

But the secret truth is: you get a little grace when you’re struggling if you let people in. 

It can feel larger than it is. In your head, you may be remembering a text your friend sent a month ago that you never responded to. In your imagination, that friend is mad at you for ignoring them, and doesn’t want to hear from you now. 

In reality? Your friend has a hectic life too. The same thing has happened to them at one point–and it’s much more likely that they’ll be happy to get a message from you now, a month late, than to never get one ever again. And every time you give yourself a chance to be forgiven, you lay the foundation for more self kindness, and greater ease in relying on your support system. 

So how can you start to practice reaching out to others after self isolating? 

Start with a therapist: 

Therapy is a no-judgment zone, and can be a great starting point when you’re teaching yourself how to reach out. You can work through some of what caused you to self isolate, the fears reinforcing that isolation, and have a reliable support system to turn to when you start reaching out to loved ones in your life. While you have your own role in therapy, it’s not the type of reciprocal relationship we have elsewhere, so it can be lower risk to admit to a therapist than to a friend that you’ve been lonely and struggling. Then, with that practice and support under your belt, you can spread that practice elsewhere. 

Express gratitude for the relationships you reach out to: 

People can be much more forgiving than our imaginations give them credit for, but loneliness affects us all! There is a chance your friend or loved one may have felt rejected or dismissed or devalued in your absence–they may have taken your absence to be a reflection on them, rather than a sign you needed support. Letting your loved ones know you’ve missed them, that they’re important to you, and you’re grateful to be able to be honest and vulnerable with them can go a long way. It helps let your loved one know this time apart was not maliciously motivated, and can help reduce defensiveness so everyone can be open about what they’re feeling and what they need. 

Give yourself some grace: 

Don’t try to do everything at once. Small steps forward slowly and consistently are much better than big leaps that cause you to tumble. Reach out to one person at a time, add your regular activities back in one at a time, or try one new thing at a time. You don’t have to flood your calendar to stop self isolation. Call one more person this week, and start there! Don’t blame yourself for your loneliness–it’s common and normal to feel lonely. And it’s okay if it happens even when you’re reaching out to people. There’s nothing wrong with you. Lean into your support systems as you grow them.  

Do you struggle with reaching out to others, even when you really need it? You’re not alone! Working with a therapist can help you feel more comfortable reaching out instead of turning in when you’re struggling. Our therapists have appointments available now - click here to get started.