How to Ask for Help When You Need It

Do you feel comfortable asking for help?

If you struggle with asking for help, you’re not alone. 

As humans, we’re literally built for community, but that doesn’t make it any easier to ask for help when you need it. In our culture, which is so focused on individualism and the self, it can feel jarring to reach out to others for support and help, even when you need it. 

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

As we grow up, it becomes harder and harder to ask for help. Part of this is because as we get older, we become more independent and are more capable of meeting our own needs. 

Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, or lazy, or not good enough, or incapable, or anything negative. 

If you grew up with caregivers who found it difficult to ask for help, you might also find it hard to ask for help when you need it. If you’re someone who takes pride in their independence and self-sufficiency, it might be hard to admit to yourself, let alone others, that you need help or support. 

The idea that asking for help makes you weak or lazy is a fairly common worry for people, but remind yourself over and over that asking for help is a basic human need. We all do it, and the more you do it, the less strange it will feel. 

How to know when you need help

Remember that we all need help from time to time. We are built to live in communities where we help each other, even if that’s not how our society is currently structured. It’s natural to rely on others - no one can do everything on their own, forever. 

So, how can you even tell when you need help? It can be hard to even recognize when you’re in over your head if you’re not used to asking for support. Some signs that’ it’s time to call in help include: 

• Feeling constantly overwhelmed or burnt out

• Dealing with something difficult, like grief, stress, a traumatic event, or a mental health condition

• Being physically unable to do things for yourself

• Losing interest in things you care about 

• Emotions you don’t understand or that scare you

• Feeling unable to meet your needs 

So, how can you make it easier to ask for help when you need it? Try these suggestions: 

Practice checking in with yourself so you know how you feel

It’s hard to ask for help when you don’t know how you feel or what you need support with. Identifying how you’re feeling is an important first step, because it can clue you in to what you need. It takes practice to learn what certain emotions feel like for you, or the signs that indicate that you could use some assistance, but the more you make it a habit to check in with yourself, the easier it will be to figure out what you need. 

Think about what gets in the way of asking for help

When you need help, what is it that makes you feel like you can’t ask for help? Do you tell yourself stories like “I”m not good enough” or “Asking for help makes me lazy” or even “No one would want to help me, anyway”? We all have these knee-jerk reactions, about everything, and trying to untangle the helpful thoughts from the unhelpful ones can make a big difference. Remind yourself that we all need help from time to time. 

Know what you’re asking for

It’s hard to offer help to someone who isn’t sure what they’re asking for, so it’s helpful to know what you need help with in the first place. What is the issue you’re having trouble with? Are you asking for one favor, or do you need more long-term support? What are the smallest chunks you can break the need down into? 

Use DEAR MAN or other format to plan the conversation

There are many helpful ways to structure important conversations, but the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill “DEAR MAN” can be a useful guide for structuring the conversation. DEAR MAN is an Interpersonal Effectiveness skill in DBT that helps you plan out what you’re going to say in a difficult conversation. 

There are different approaches, based on what your main goal is for the discussion, but the basic structure goes like this: 

• Describe the problem or situation

• Express how you feel about it

• Assert your need for help

• Reinforce what’s in it for the other person to help you

• Mindfully focus on your goal

• Appear confident

• Negotiate if necessary

Approach people you trust and have a relationship with

Asking for help can be trickier when you don’t have a relationship with the person you need help from. As you build up your confidence in asking for help, start by approaching people you already trust and have a good relationship with. Asking for help and getting it can help you feel more comfortable with asking for help in general, and that confidence can help you in moments where you need help from someone you don’t know as well. 

Don’t beat yourself up for needing help

Finally, be nice to yourself when you’re asking for help. You’re not stupid, or bad, or wrong, or lazy, or not good enough, or whatever it is that you feel when you ask for help. Don’t beat yourself up for needing support - it’s absolutely human to need help, and it’s okay to ask for it. You’re doing a hard thing, and you should be proud of yourself! 

What to do when you ask for help and are told no

Everyone has different capacities for helping others, and there might be a time when you ask for help and the person you’re asking says no. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for help when you need it! It can be discouraging to work up the nerve to ask someone for something, especially when you don’t usually ask for help. 

Remember that someone being unable to offer help doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you, that you aren’t worthy of help, or that you’re a burden. It usually just means that they don’t have the capacity to help you at the moment. It’s okay to ask someone else, even if you’ve already been turned down, because it’s still okay to need help. 

Do you struggle with asking for help from others, even when you really need it? You’re not alone! Working with a therapist can help you feel more comfortable asking for help when you need it. Our therapists have appointments available now - click here to get started.  

6 Ways to Build Self-Respect

Do you respect yourself?

Self-respect is one of those buzzwords that you might hear about often, but it’s one that can get lost in the shuffle of self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence, and other self-focused beliefs. All of these beliefs have a role to play in mental wellness, especially self-respect.

What is self-respect?

Having self-respect means that you value and accept yourself, regardless of what’s going on around you. Self-respect is like the foundation of all of your other self-beliefs, because it’s generally unchanging. 

When your self-respect is low, you might think that there’s something wrong with you, or that you don’t bring any value to the world. When your self-respect is high, you recognize that who you are and what you care about matters, and you offer that sense of acceptance to yourself, no matter what happens. 

How is it different from self esteem or self worth?

Self-esteem is about having a high regard for yourself. Having high self esteem means that you think highly of yourself and love who you are as a person, which is very important! It is, however, different from self-respect. Self-worth is believing that you are loveable, no matter what other people think. Believing that you are loveable can play into how much you value and accept yourself, but it is not entirely the same. Self-esteem and self-worth are often influenced by outside factors, like other people, whereas self-respect is more internal. 

Why self-respect matters 

Having a strong sense of self-respect can be protective in times of uncertainty or stress, because you know that you have your own back. 

If you struggle with self-respect, you might find it harder to understand and live in alignment with what matters to you. You might find yourself bending your boundaries and trying to please everyone, instead of saying no when you need to. You might feel like you can’t make decisions or that you don’t know what matters to you. Feeling this way can add to distress when you're upset or under stress. 

Whatever your current level of self-respect, there are ways to increase it. Start here: 

Understand your values

One of the ways to start feeling more respect for yourself is to understand what means the most to you. What matters, and what doesn’t? What do you value, and what do you not care as much about? 

When you understand what the core values are that matter to you, it’s easier to try to live in alignment with them. It will be easier to know what a yes feels like to you and what a no feels like. 

Try to live in alignment with your values

When you live in alignment with your values, it means that you do your best to prioritize those values, and make decisions based on those values. You don’t need to be perfect, but when you’re making decisions, try to consider what’s important to you. Would one choice line up more with your values? Do what you can to practice what’s important to you. 

Be kind to yourself when you do things that are out of alignment with your values

Remember to be kind to yourself, even if you do something that doesn’t line up with your values. We all do things that aren’t in alignment with our values from time to time. It’s a part of being human! Remember that even if you do something that doesn’t line up with what’s important to you, you can always learn from that experience. 

You can consider what made it hard to stick to your values, and how that might impact you in the future. You can make a plan for the next time something like this comes up, so you know what you want to do. Even people you respect can let you down occasionally, but that doesn’t mean you need to change how you feel about them entirely. Offer that kind of grace to yourself. 

Keep your promises to yourself 

It’s hard to respect people who let you down, so do your best to not let yourself down. Work on keeping the promises you make to yourself. Set the boundary, work on that new habit, or do whatever it is that you have told yourself that you would do. 

Knowing that you can rely on yourself to meet your needs can make a huge difference when it comes to building self-respect. Over time, all the little things will add up, and you’ll see how good it feels to know you can count on yourself, no matter what. 

Listen to the people who love you

We’re almost all harder on ourselves than we should be, and that can make it hard to notice all the good things about ourselves. It can be helpful to listen to what the people who care about you have to say. They probably notice things about you that you don’t always pick up on or dismiss easily. While your sense of self-respect doesn’t come entirely from how other people see you, it can help to remind you of what a good person you are, especially when you’re having a tough time remembering. 

Work on living a life that you enjoy

At the end of their lives, people have some common regrets: that they spent too much time working, and not enough time doing the things they enjoyed; that they should have stayed closer to their friends; that they should have lived a life that was true to themselves, instead of doing what others expected of them; that they wished they had the courage to express how they felt; and that they wish they had let themselves be happier. 

Think about how you’re living your life right now. Do you think any of these regrets will ring true at the end of your life? One way to help prevent having those kinds of regrets at the end of your life is to work on living a life that you enjoy and that brings meaning to you. 

Building a life that you enjoy is the ultimate way to show that you respect yourself. It means that you know what’s right for you and you’re not afraid to go for it, even if others question it. It means that you take care of yourself when you need it. It means that you say no when you need to, and know that the people who love you will still be there. 

Building self-respect takes time, and it can bring up lots of feelings. If you’re looking for more support as you work on how you feel about yourself, working with a therapist can help. Our therapists are currently accepting appointments, so contact us to get started today. 

6 Ways to Support Mental Health After Pregnancy Loss

Pregnancy loss is multifaceted, and it impacts both mental and physical health. In the immediate aftermath of a miscarriage, you might experience a range of emotions and urges that feel confusing or even scary. Miscarriage is a major loss, even if it’s one that people often don’t talk about. 

Losing a pregnancy can be incredibly traumatic. Grief is already a difficult emotion to deal with, but the taboo around miscarriage adds to many people’s pain and suffering. Often, people who experience a miscarriage are encouraged to keep their feelings to themselves, which makes them feel even more alone. 

Another aspect of pregnancy loss is the complicated feelings it can bring up around your body and your health. It can be jarring and immensely stressful to think there is something wrong with you or your partner that is causing pregnancy loss, especially if you’ve experienced multiple losses. 

Miscarriage can also be expensive, especially for families who are already struggling with money, because they often require medical care or even surgery. Some people struggle to take time off work to deal with the aftermath of pregnancy loss. And in a post-Roe America, losing a pregnancy can even lead to legal consequences, which can make it even harder to seek proper care for your mental and physical health. 

The period after pregnancy loss can be complicated, emotional, and intense. If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, here are some ways to support your mental health in the aftermath: 

Allow yourself to feel your feelings

Feeling the intense emotions that accompany pregnancy loss can be intimidating. Painful emotions are difficult to experience, and we often do whatever we can to avoid the painful feelings, because they’re so distressing. However, emotions have to be felt to help them pass. Trying to suppress your intense emotions can work in the moment, but they can’t be suppressed forever.

In the moment, it can be hard to remember that the sharpness of this grief won’t last forever, even though the grief might not ever go away fully. Grieving is allowing yourself the time and space to let your life expand around the grief you feel. Eventually, this experience will make up just a part of your story, even if it feels like it’s your whole story right now. You’re not doomed to feel this intensely forever. Doing your best to allow the painful feelings to come forward when you’re able to cope with them successfully can make a big difference in processing your grief. 

Remember you’re not alone

Miscarriage is unfortunately all too common, but that doesn’t make going through the experience any easier. There are probably many people in your life that have experienced this kind of loss before, even if you don’t know about it. 

Even if you’re not ready to talk to people you know about it, you can look up resources online from others who have gone through this too. You can lean on the wisdom of those who have come before you during this complicated experience without even having to talk about it if you’re not ready. 

Talk about it (if you’re up for it)

You don’t have to suffer alone, and you don’t have to keep how you feel to yourself. You’re not the only person who’s gone through this, and you don’t have to get through this on your own. As humans, we naturally seek out connections with others, and those connections can be a powerful source of support during times of grief. If you feel ready to talk about it with someone you trust, don’t hold back. 

Speaking with other people who have experienced this type of loss can help you feel less alone, and give you ideas for how to get through this tough time. Sometimes it’s comforting to talk to friends or family, and sometimes it’s helpful to talk to support groups or a therapist. 

Try distress tolerance skills 

When we’re in crisis, it can often be a painful and scary experience. Distress tolerance skills, which come from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), are designed to help you make it through a crisis without relying on harmful or self destructive behaviors. 

Some of distress tolerance skills to try include: 

• Distract with A.C.C.E.P.T.S - doing something to take your mind off of the painful emotions you’re experiencing 

• Self Soothing with the 5 senses - using your senses to bring you back to the present moment 

• IMPROVE the moment - a set of skills to reduce distress in the moment using your mind and body

• Pros and Cons - weigh your choices to help you make decisions from your wise mind

• S.T.O.P. - to help you pause before engaging in destructive behavior

• T.I.P.P. - using your body’s chemistry to lower your distress level using temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation

• Turning the Mind - opening yourself up to eventually feeling acceptance 

• Radical Acceptance - lowering your distress by accepting what is, instead of fighting against it 

Be gentle with yourself

When you’re in the midst of something difficult and traumatic, it can be hard to find the mental bandwidth to be kind to yourself. That doesn’t mean that it’s not important to be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you go through this tough time. 

It might be hard to access kindness and self-compassion all of the time, but try to spend at least a few moments each day being kind to yourself. Try talking to yourself in the mirror, or saying affirmations to remind yourself that you’re worthy of care and love. 

Acknowledge your loss however feels right

One reason why miscarriage is so difficult is that it feels unacknowledged as a “real” loss by most of the world. Pregnancy loss is something that birthing people are pressured to keep secret, both out of shame and out of grief. An important part of grieving is to find ways to acknowledge your loss in a way that honors your feelings. 

Having a memorial, planting a tree, writing a letter, getting a tattoo, or wearing a piece of jewelry to memorialize your baby can be ways to acknowledge your loss and honor their memory. It’s okay to acknowledge how massive this loss is for you in whatever way feels right. 

Miscarriage can have a massive impact on mental and physical health. If you’re struggling to cope after pregnancy loss, working with a therapist can help you work through your feelings and find ways to grieve without shame. 

Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness have appointments available in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. Contact us to get started.

Self Kindness: Why it Matters & How to Cultivate It

What is self kindness?

How do you treat yourself? How do you talk to and about yourself? 

Kindness is a common value, and we can often easily see why others deserve kindness, while simultaneously struggling to give it to ourselves. But without extending that kindness to ourselves, it’s incomplete–and it makes it harder for us to have kindness and patience for others, when over and over again we bully ourselves down. 

Refusal of self kindness can be a sort of survival technique–if you have a history of being emotionally neglected or abused, being mean to yourself first may have been your route to survival. Once you’re out of an environment where that protects you, however, it begins to erode rather than strengthen your emotional safety and connection to others. 

When do we need to practice it?

Sometimes we make mistakes that we beat ourselves up for to no end. The voice in our head gets louder and louder and just won't stop. 

Why did you think that was a good idea? How could you have been so selfish? Why are you always messing up? Why can’t you do anything right? You just make everything worse!

Instead of motivating us to “be better” these thoughts mostly just lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and depression. They’re self reinforcing thoughts, because each time we make a mistake we punish ourselves for it as though it is the worst thing we could ever do–which only makes us more afraid to make a mistake, and more critical of ourselves when we do. 

Why does practicing self kindness matter?

No one is perfect, and no one’s job is to be perfect. When you make choices it’s important to know there are no right or wrong choices–there are choices that align with your goals and values and ones that don’t, but you always have an opportunity to make a new choice if one turns out not to match the life you’re trying to build. Self kindness is the first step to being okay with this process. 

Learning how to turn to self kindness in moments of distress is a practice, and something that will take time to cultivate. Here are 3 ways to start:

Practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness is being aware of the present moment, non-judgmentally, and with acceptance. Mindfulness is a powerful way to cultivate kindness and self-compassion because it helps you realize that you’re not your thoughts. Instead, you are the person observing your thoughts. You are the observer. The harsh self-critical thoughts are just that — thoughts — and not necessarily true. Moreover, mindfulness helps increase calm and reduce suffering and stress.

Practice Loving Kindness

As you meditate, send feelings of loving kindness toward yourself and for your loved ones, friends, or others. To do this, in your mind you can try reciting loving and kind wishes to yourself or others in your life. For example, you could say, “May I experience peace today, and greater awareness of the goodness of others.” “May I practice gratitude and take time to slowly enjoy my day.” You can also think of what you would say to a small child or a friend, and say them to yourself. For example, “You’ve been through a lot this past year. It’s okay if you’re feeling down. I’m here for you. I love you.” Practice this for at least one minute each day and slowly you’ll feel more compassion and connectedness.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Know that it’s okay to be human and to be imperfect. Actually, there is no one in this world who is perfect and we are all flawed and in this together. Know that there is a beauty in imperfection and vulnerability and in our humanity that is far greater than any perfection. Vulnerability not only increases our connectedness with others, but it allows us to see others and ourselves with softer, kinder eyes. Not eyes of harshness or judgment, but of love and humanity.

The process of becoming the people we are fully meant to be and toward being kinder and more compassionate and loving to ourselves is a lifelong journey. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. These three tips help provide a beginning point, but it can help to work with a supportive therapist to provide a safe space to work through some of these difficult emotions toward greater health and wholeness.

Need help practicing self kindness? Try using these affirmations. If you’re looking for more support to change your mindset, our clinicians can help you on the journey to being kinder to yourself. 

Finding a Psychologist: What to Consider

Are you looking for a psychologist?

If you’ve never been through the process before, it feels daunting! How do you go about finding a psychologist? Not just an effective one, but one who truly cares and connects with you?

To help, we put together this guide of considerations and steps to take when trying to find a clinical psychologist that’s right for you:

Take time to figure out what you’re looking for: 

At the start of your search, it’s important to take time to reflect on what issues you’re looking for professional support with. The type of psychologist you’re looking for may change depending on what particular issues you’re struggling with, and what treatment they specialize in. 

Once you understand what your needs are, it can help to develop an understanding of psychological treatment options and the current evidence-base underlying them. For example, the Society of Clinical Psychology, has developed this helpful resource on Effective Treatments for Psychological Conditions describing research evidence for psychological treatments. If you click on ‘Browse Diagnoses’, and then ‘Depression’, you’ll see that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one of the leading treatments for depression.

This information on treatment approaches can help inform your search for a therapist, as you would now understand that you are looking for a clinician who specializes in CBT for Depression, or a child psychologist who specializes in these domains..

Consider What Your Preferences Are

There are a lot of questions to consider when exploring your preferences: 

• Would you prefer working with a male or female psychologist? 

• Are you open to cash only practices or do you prefer to go to providers who accept your insurance? 

• How far are you willing to drive to see your psychologist? 

• Are you open to virtual care? 

• What setting do you prefer? A community clinic, hospital, or independent practice? 

• What is your budget?

These questions will all inform your search and help you identify potential clinicians to work with.

For example, when considering your budget, take a second to think about if you are willing to seek care from predoctoral clinicians currently in training. Predoctoral clinicians are often supervised by the clinicians with years of experience, a passion for mental health care, and a commitment to their work and training the next generation of psychologists. In addition, it is also a source of highly affordable psychological testing and evaluation services.

Start a List of Potential Licensed Clinicians. (Don’t be afraid to ask around!)

Do you have any health care providers that you enjoy seeing, whose care seems comprehensive and genuine? They’re a great resource for patients looking to expand their care. Ask them if there are any psychologists they would recommend–oftentimes, providers in the same community know of other providers who are well known for their clinical skill and effectiveness, and can refer to professionals they trust. 

Consider your social circle as well. Your friends and family may be able to offer referrals with their own firsthand experience and perspective. 

Search Online for Clinicians in Your Community

There are a number of websites online where you can search through listings of psychologists in your area and region. Using your understanding of your goals for therapy (e.g., current symptoms, available evidence-based treatments), and preferences (e.g., payment, child vs adult specialization, distance from your home), you can search through the following websites.

There are so many therapists that it can be overwhelming to look through directories. But as you look through, try looking at their personal statements to see what connects with you, or to look at their education, training, and work experiences, as these would deeply inform their therapeutic approach and style.

Below, is a list of national websites of providers, as well as ones specific to the Northern Virginia region.

• Psychology Today’s Find a Therapist

• Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies: Find a CBT Therapist Directory

• Anxiety and Depression Association of America: Find a Therapist

• American Psychological Association Psychologist Locator

• National Register’s Find a Psychologist

• GoodTherapy.org Find a Therapist

Contact Potential Therapists

Finding a psychologist to work with takes time. Compatibility is important and provides the foundation for therapy, so it is natural to spend time speaking and meeting with different therapists.

Sometimes you can call a therapist and get a sense of how you might like working with them on the phone. During this time, you can ask them if they use evidence-based therapies, and what their policies for fees and scheduling are, and if they are accepting new patients. Take notes on how the conversation left you feeling or what concerns/questions it brought up. 

Are you interested in CBT? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer CBT therapy in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com.

Coping Strategies for Managing Grief and Loss

Grief is a fact of life, but that doesn’t make it easy to deal with.

We will all feel grief at some point in our lives, because life involves change, and change activates grief. You can grieve for many reasons, including the death of a loved one, but that’s not the only source of grief in life. Grief commonly comes up around experiences that involve a lot of change, like moving, changing jobs, becoming a parent, struggling with infertility, dealing with chronic conditions, changes in relationship status, and more. 

To our brains, change is loss, and loss means grief. 

Grief doesn’t follow a timeline.

Grief doesn’t even always have stages. We commonly hear that grief has 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, but those stages were actually developed to describe what people go through as they face death, not to describe grief itself. While many grievers will feel like they relate to these stages, they’re not the only way grief shows up. Sometimes people have a hard time connecting what they’re experiencing to their grief, because they’re expecting grief to look the way it does on TV. In reality, grief is different for each person. 

For some things, the grief never goes away. We tend to imagine that grief lessens over time, and while the intensity can often decrease, many people who grieve have to find ways to integrate their grief into their new life. Instead of grief lessening over time, it’s more like your life grows and expands around the grief. Even this process can bring up grief, because it marks a change, and change often feels like loss. 

The truth about managing grief

Managing grief successfully means finding a way to accept that grief is a part of your life now. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you have to approve of the way you’re feeling, just that you don’t let yourself struggle against it anymore. Struggling to accept reality can cause a lot of distress that can be alleviated with acceptance. 

Learning how to ride the waves of grief is like learning how to manage any other intense emotion. It takes time and effort, and often the help of a professional to support you through it. 

In our culture, grief is a topic that’s often avoided. 

We assume grief should be private, or that there’s nothing that can be done when someone is grieving. Our cultural inability to talk about loss and grief leads to people feeling like they can’t share what they’re going through, which can make the distress of grief feel even worse. 

Thankfully, there are ways to help you feel less emotionally out of control when you’re going through grief. If you’re trying to find ways to manage grief, try these coping strategies: 

Release your expectations of yourself

Grief is different for everyone and everyone responds differently, so there’s no “right” way to grieve. Don’t beat yourself up for what you’re feeling as you grieve. Try to notice when you have expectations for yourself (often you’ll notice them when you start a thought with “I should…”) so you can become aware of how these expectations are making you feel. Grief is hard enough without giving yourself unreasonable standards to meet. 

Grief is one of the most intense emotions that we can feel. It’s going to take a lot of time and self compassion to cope with your new reality. You’re not going to be able to function the way you did when you weren’t grieving, and that’s okay. 

Ask for support to meet your basic needs

An important part of managing grief is finding ways to meet your basic needs. If you’re not taking care of yourself, everything else will feel so much worse. However, when you’re grieving, it can be hard to do even “simple” things like get out of bed, or finding something to eat. That’s why calling in reinforcements can be helpful. 

Is there someone in your life who can help make sure you’re getting enough to eat, taking your meds, and getting lots of sleep? It’s okay to ask for help when you need it. Lots of people want to be able to help, but don’t know where to start so making specific requests can actually be helpful when calling in extra support. 

Bring in a professional

Grief is complicated, and it has a far reaching impact in our lives. Sometimes, that means it’s best to get professional support as you navigate this experience. Whether it’s one on one therapy with a counselor who’s experienced in treating grief, or a group therapy session with other grievers, bringing in a professional to help you through this time can make a world of difference. 

A therapist who is experienced in grief counseling can help you make sense of your new world, cope with overwhelming emotions, and be more compassionate with yourself. 

Find ways to express the intense emotions you’re feeling

Emotions are intense, and they can lessen in intensity when we find ways to express them. Grief might leave you with less energy than normal, so you may need to adjust some activities to meet yourself where you are in this moment, but there are ways to express intense emotions, such as: 

• Exercise

• Somatic techniques, like breathwork

• Mindfulness

• Making art or using your creativity

• Crying

• Journaling 

• Talking it over with someone you trust

• Exploring spirituality and deeper meaning

Distract yourself 

Finally, grief is so hard, and it’s okay to distract yourself in moments when it’s particularly distressing. Distraction is a perfectly valid coping skill that can be a big help in times of intense grief. Here are some distractions to try: 

• Play a game (board game, video game, puzzles, etc.)

• Read a book

• Take a nap

• Get into a new show

• Make a playlist for someone you love

• Go see a movie

• Play with a pet or child

• Clean your space

• Bake or cook something

• Creating art of any kind

Are you looking for more support as you cope with grief? Working with a therapist can help you navigate the complexities of grief with self-compassion. Get in touch with our office today to get started.

9 Blogs to Help You Navigate Difficult Parenting Moments

Being a parent is a hard job, and unfortunately it doesn’t come with an instruction manual. 

For most of us, what we learn about parenting is what we observed from our own families, and maybe some professionally recommended books here and there. But there are so many parts of parenthood that we may not even realize what we need to know until we need to know it.

We know how hard it is to be a parent, and how isolating it can feel to need help but not know where to go for it. As a jumping off point, we’ve gathered all of the parenting resources from our blog to date, and put them together here for you, as a mini parenting resource toolkit. 

To support your child’s wellbeing:

Anxiety is a common feeling that we all experience from time to time. However, sometimes that feeling starts to overwhelm and interfere with our daily lives–that’s when it becomes an issue we need support managing. Navigating this with your child or teen is hard! You may not be sure if their behavior is “normal” levels of anxiety, or if they’re showing you that they need help.

Sometimes when anxious, children may begin to avoid certain triggering situations and events, such as peers, teachers, or school itself. The avoidance then serves to maintain the anxiety and to worsen it over time. As a parent, how can you help your child break free of anxiety, out of their mind and into their life? If you’re looking to help your child or teen manage their anxiety in a healthy, productive way, check out: 

• 24 Resources for Children and Teens with Anxiety and Their Families

• What parents of anxious children should know about anxiety

• What to Teach Your Child About Worry

Similar to anxiety, it can be hard to identify the difference common child and teen behavior, mood changes, and depression that needs treatment. And when you’ve recognized that your child or teen does need help, it may be hard to know where to go. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, wanting to support them but not quite sure how. For this, we’ve organized 26 different resources for parents whose children are struggling with depression: 

• 26 Depression Resources for Kids, Teens, and Parents

Parenting a child with chronic pain is challenging. Not only is it difficult to see your child in pain, but parents often feel helpless, stuck, and unsure of what to do to help ease the pain and mitigate its impacts on their child’s life and daily functioning. For instance, children with chronic pain often begin to miss school, become socially isolated, and feel increasingly depressed and anxious over time. So how can parents help support their children get back to life and functioning even in the face of pain? Start here:

• 3 Tips for Parenting a Child with Chronic Pain

To support your own wellbeing:

Dealing with parenting stress and anxiety is necessary for so many parents, but many don’t have the resources or the time to make changes to cope. It’s not right that parents are spread so thin, and there should be more protections for parents and families coming from our government–and there are a lot of people out there working toward just that. As change comes slowly, parents feel forced to do it all, often not knowing how to rely on their communities to fill in the gaps, which leaves them stuck with bandaid solutions to help lower stress levels–so they can get up again and do it the next day. If you’re struggling with parenting stress and anxiety, we’ve mapped out a few coping skills to help you not feel so drained: 

• 7 Tips for Coping with Parenting Stress

Parenting can already feel like driving somewhere new without a map–when you add in managing chronic pain on top of that, it can be hard to find resources that speak to your experience. The trouble is, when we feel isolated, asking for help becomes harder, when it’s often the very thing we need to do. Working with a therapist can help you manage the potential isolation and grief that comes along with having a chronic illness, and work with you as you gain confidence asking for help and leaning on your support network. Here are some tips for how to manage your role as parent while being realistic about how chronic pain impacts your life: 

• Parenting with Chronic Pain

One of the seven tips to help with parenting stress is to rely on your community. We need community to survive so many things, and parenting is no different. It’s increasingly hard to raise a family without help from your community, whether that be family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, or someone else. But how do you go about cultivating that community? Here are a few tips to start: 

• Cultivating Strong Community Ties for Better Mental Health

To support the wellbeing of your parent/child relationship: 

Effective communication is harder than we may think it is! It’s not how we typically learn to listen and communicate. In fact, most of us usually listen in order to respond instead of in order to really hear what the other person is saying. And while it is not usually intended to be harmful or malicious, it can cause misunderstandings, miscommunication, and feelings of being ignored, or resentment. This is especially harmful in conversation with teenagers who rely on you to be a safe space for support! Here’s a guide on what effective communication with teenagers looks like, and tips on how to cultivate it: 

• 3 Tips for More Effective Communication with Your Teen

Are you looking for more support with parenting? Working with a therapist on parenting concerns can help you find more ways to cope and build your confidence as a parent. Get in touch with our office today to get started.

Parenting with Chronic Pain

Living with chronic pain is challenging–and parenting with chronic pain is a challenge that feels like it comes with little support. 

Parenting can already feel like driving somewhere new without a map–when you add in managing chronic pain on top of that, it can be hard to find resources that speak to your experience. There are a lot of limitations that come with experiencing chronic pain that just aren’t factored in with typical parenting advice. This can make parenting–where your whole world is about your child, and you already feel a little removed from your “adult” social circles–feel even more isolating. 

The trouble is, when we feel isolated, asking for help becomes harder, when it’s often the very thing we need to do. Working with a therapist can help you manage the potential isolation and grief that comes along with having a chronic illness, and work with you as you gain confidence asking for help and leaning on your support network. 

In the meantime, here are 5 tips to help you show up as a parent with chronic pain: 

Set expectations with your child: 

In order to set reasonable expectations with your child, you need to be openly communicative, and come from a place of compassion. Remember, everything you just know is something they still need to learn, and probably learn more than once! Especially when it comes to your body and its limitations; unless they experience chronic pain themselves, kids tend not to be as bogged down by pain or fatigue as adults, so they don’t have personal experience to draw from when trying to understand.  Be clear about what type of pain you have, what you need to do or avoid to manage that pain, and when the pain is preventing you from participating in their play or activities, let them know what’s happening for you

Practice open and vulnerable communication: 

If you can practice open and vulnerable communication with your child you can set expectations with them about what your body can handle, and make space for their feelings. 

Remember, even if they know what you’re going through, they still may have hurt feelings about it. Let them know it’s okay when they’re feelings are hurt and assure them you’re not upset with them, punishing them, and that you wish you could be there how they wanted to. 

Normalize accepting help: 

While remembering that your role as parent is naturally going to make this exchange uneven, it can be beneficial for your child to practice offering and having their assistance accepted. Be sure not to slip into the habit of treating them as your caregiver, but if you let your child know what you’re struggling with and they offer some help (getting you a glass of water, finding the pain relievers you need, etc.) instead of saying no or that you can do it yourself, offer gratitude and accept the help! These small exchanges can help reach your child that asking for help can strengthen relationships, not weaken them, and that offering help–even in small ways–can provide support for loved ones. 

Tap into your support system: 

When you have low energy or high pain days, are their friends or family you can reach out to for support? Plenty of people in your community want an active role in your child’s life, and having secure intergenerational relationships with adults who aren’t their parents is good for kids! On days when you’re struggling, instead of feeling guilty each time you have to tell your kids you can’t play because you’re in too much pain, see if a loved one can take them for part of the day. Let them know you’re going to rest up while they’re gone and hope to feel a bit better so you can hear all about their day–and then an auntie or uncle can take them to a museum or a movie or a park or just spend time with them at their house. Normalizing this within your community of parents is also great, because it strengthens everyone’s confidence in asking for and offering help! 

Try to plan ahead for big events: 

If your child has their first school play, you want to be there! While flare ups are not always avoidable, there are often some things that can trigger or exacerbate them, and some things that are more effective than others in reducing and managing flare ups. Try to be extra conscious of these things around big events for your child, that way you can minimize the risk of flare ups happening unexpectedly when they want you to show up for them. 

If you would like more support in coping with chronic illness or parenting with chronic pain, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help. Reach out today to make an appointment! 

6 Signs It's Time for Couples Counseling

Is it time for you and your partner to start couples counseling?

When you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, it can feel hopeless and frightening. You might wonder what you can do to repair the connection you have and feel like a team again. Couples counseling can make a big difference in the way you communicate and connect with your partner.

There’s no perfect time to start couples counseling, but it’s true that couples often wait for a very long time to get support after they start having problems. The negative patterns that lead to disconnection have more time to get ingrained the longer you wait to change them. Relationship therapy can help you unpack those patterns, no matter when you and your partner choose to come in. 

There are a lot of misconceptions about couples therapy that can lead to couples waiting to get support.

First, couples counseling doesn’t have to be a last resort. You don’t even have to be going through something serious to start couples counseling. It can even be a good idea to start therapy before you have major issues, so that you have a solid foundation of communication skills and healthy conflict patterns when things come up.

Next, attending couples therapy doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with your relationship or that you’ve failed in any way. Relationships are hard, and when there’s dysfunction in our important relationships, it can impact all parts of your life. Seeing a therapist to help your relationship 

It’s also important to note that couples counseling isn’t a quick fix. Therapy of any type takes work, and there are times when it will be hard or distressing. But there are also major benefits of couples therapy, including: 

• Learning and practicing tools for healthy communication

• Repairing and rebuilding emotional connection

• Finding growth as a couple

• Discussing current areas of improvement 

• Establishing a stable foundation for the future

• Strengthening intimacy

• Regaining warmth, closeness, and support

• Finding ways to resolve issues causing distress

• Making decisions in alignment with each other and your values

• Feeling confident in your ability to get through future issues

What brings couples to couples counseling?

There are lots of reasons why couples seek out couples therapy. While counseling can be immensely helpful during moments of relationship crisis, it’s not the only thing that brings couples to therapy. 

These are just some of the reasons why couples start therapy:

• Communication issues

• Emotional distance

• Intimacy issues

• Affairs & infidelity

• General relationship dissatisfaction

• Navigating conflict

• Rebuilding trust

• Work-life balance difficulties

• Parenting differences

• Difficulties with in-laws or family members

• Substance use

• Differences in values

• Family planning and whether to have children

• Managing parenting differences

• Fairly dividing household and relationship labor

• Blended family dynamics

• Codependency

There’s no right or wrong reason to start seeing a couples counselor. But if you’re wondering when it’s time to start couples counseling with your partner, here are some signs: 

It’s been on your mind

If you’re reading this article, clearly this topic is on your mind. Of course, you don’t have to act on every thought you have, but if this is something you keep coming back to, it can be a sign that it’s the right time to talk about it with your partner and look for a relationship counselor. 

Trust has been broken

It’s really hard to be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust. Trust being broken between romantic partners can be hard to recover from, but it’s a lot harder without the support and guidance of an experienced couples therapist. If you’re struggling with trust in your relationship, therapy can help you work through the painful emotions and rebuild trust and safety. 

You don’t communicate well with each other

Like trust, communication is essential for healthy relationships. If you don’t communicate well, it can feel impossible to interact, even about small things. Feeling like you can’t talk to the person you love can be heartbreaking! Couples counseling can help you discover your negative communication patterns and practice healthier ways to communicate with one another.  

You’re stuck in conflict

It’s normal to have conflict in relationships, but it’s not normal to fight all of the time. Even when you disagree, it’s possible to end conflicts so that you don’t get caught in a cycle of fighting. Research actually shows that most conflicts between couples can’t be easily solved and are perpetual, so it’s crucial to learn how to move forward from those moments. Relationship therapy can help you handle conflict in a healthier way.

There’s emotional distance

Disconnection can be painful in romantic relationships. When there’s a lack of intimacy, whether that be emotional or physical or both, it’s distressing and often hard to talk about. A couples therapist can help you find ways to have hard conversations while helping each other feel safe. 

You’re going through a big life transition

Life transitions are major sources of stress, and stress can wreak havoc on our close relationships. If you’re already at your limit with stress, finding time for therapy might not seem appealing, but it can be a game-changer to give yourself another source of support when you’re going through a difficult time. 

Are you interested in couples counseling? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer therapy for couples in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. Get in touch with us here to get started.

What You Should Know About Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)

Did you know that there’s a treatment for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that’s been shown to be effective for up to 80% of people with OCD? It’s a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).

What is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)?

ERP was developed to treat OCD, and it can be an incredibly effective form of treatment for folks dealing with obsessive thoughts and compulsions. 

To understand ERP, it can help to understand more about how Obsessive Compulsive Disorder works. OCD involves intrusive thoughts that are disturbing and unwelcome. Often, these thoughts create a lot of distress for the person who is experiencing them. When these thoughts pop up and cause distress, people with OCD attempt to relieve the distress through compulsions, which may work briefly. 

After a while, though, the thoughts come back, and the cycle starts again. The compulsions that a person uses to relieve their discomfort eventually become part of their daily routine, which can get in the way of work, family, and other relationships. 

When we think of OCD, we often think of someone who is obsessed with cleaning, but that’s not actually how most people experience the disorder. People may have recurring, unwanted thoughts about harming people they care about, or that something bad will happen if they don’t follow through with their compulsions. Some people experience intrusive sexual thoughts, or thoughts of doing something violent or illegal. These thoughts are not in the control of the person experiencing them, and they can be extremely frightening. 

To try to lessen the fear they feel from these thoughts, people with OCD may develop compulsions or rituals like checking to make sure the smoke detectors work, making sure the baby is still breathing, making sure that the emergency brake is on, or checking that the security system is on. The overwhelming feeling is that if they don’t practice these compulsive rituals, something terrible will happen, and that can be an exhausting way to live. ERP was designed to interrupt this cycle and reduce the anxiety that feeds these intrusive thoughts. 

How does ERP work? 

There are two parts to ERP - the exposure and the response prevention. Within the safety of a therapist’s office, you’ll be exposed to the triggers and thoughts that cause you distress. Then, you’ll practice resisting the urge to perform the corresponding compulsions or rituals. 

First, you’ll work with your ERP therapist to determine what all of your triggers, intrusive thoughts, and compulsions are, so you can work through them in a safe place. This helps you and your therapist determine which triggers and obsessive thoughts cause you the most distress, so you can work your way up from lower levels of distress to higher levels over time. Exposure and Response Prevention works gradually. You aren’t going to be asked to confront your worst fears right away. As you move up the hierarchy of distress, you’ll gain confidence and experience, which help when it comes to the more distressing levels. 

As you’re exposed to your triggers or your intrusive thoughts in ERP therapy, you’ll learn skills from your therapist to help you learn how to sit with discomfort and resist your compulsions. Working with a therapist can help ensure you avoid replacing one compulsion with another, in addition to teaching you skills to help lower your distress level when the unwanted thoughts come up. 

Exposure and Response Prevention works for two reasons - habituation and inhibitory learning. Repeated exposure to your triggers will help you learn to tolerate your distress and discomfort more effectively, which reduces your overall distress level over time. This is known as habituation. Inhibitory learning happens when you learn that your intrusive thoughts don’t always come to pass when you’re exposed to your triggers. ERP helps to prove your obsessions wrong, which helps to lessen their impact. 

What are the benefits and drawbacks of ERP?

ERP is generally known as the gold-standard treatment for OCD, because research has shown that it can be extremely effective. However, it’s important to note that Exposure and Response Prevention takes work, and it’s not always easy. 

Confronting the things you’re afraid of can be terrifying. Effectively learning how to break the cycle of obsessions and compulsions requires work in between therapy sessions, which can be intimidating, especially at first. Folks with OCD are practiced at avoiding discomfort, so learning how to be okay with discomfort takes time and practice. 

Can ERP help with anything else?

Yes! ERP can help with disorders besides OCD, including: 

• Anxiety

• Eating disorders

• Phobias 

How to find an ERP therapist

If you or someone you know is struggling with intrusive thoughts, ERP might be a good fit. Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness have experience supporting clients who have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. 

If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com or get in touch with us here.