Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: 5 Things You Should Know About It

If you’re thinking of starting therapy, you’ve likely run into the term modality before. A modality is the approach a therapist takes when providing care for their patients. One of the modalities we utilize here is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). 

CBT is an approach that focuses on how our thinking patterns influence our behavioral patterns. The main idea behind CBT is that thoughts influence how we feel and act. Basically: how we act can in turn also affect how we think and feel in a given situation, and our unhelpful thoughts can then lead to unhealthy behaviors and feelings. CBT helps you to understand and break this cycle.

Here are five things you should know about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: 

1). CBT has been shown to be effective for a wide range of presenting concerns: 

CBT is an active, goal-oriented psychotherapy treatment. As a treatment, it’s been studied and shown to be highly effective in treating a wide range of people (children, adolescents, and adults) with a wide range of presenting emotional and behavioral concerns such as: 

• Depression

• Anxiety

• bipolar disorder

• Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (e.g., postpartum depression)

• Sleep

• Relationship problems

CBT has also been found to contribute to significant improvements in functioning and quality of life.

2). CBT has been studied extensively in both research and clinical practice. 

CBT is an evidence based treatment. What that means is that its efficacy has been proven to be safe and effective through extensive scientific and clinical research. This research involves thousands of patients and meticulous comparison of effects to alternative treatments. Evidence based treatments help increase the effectiveness of the treatment and helps reduce the risk of recurrence of damaging behavioral patterns. There’s heaps of scientific evidence out there showing that CBT is effective in producing meaningful change and improvements for clients.

3). One of the core principles of CBT is that problems with mood are related to unhelpful behaviors and thought patterns. 

These negative thinking patterns can influence our mood and exacerbate feelings of anxiety, depression, or other feelings of insecurity and self doubt. This can then contribute to a pattern of unhealthy behaviors–which in turn starts the cycle all over again. With CBT, these thought and behavior patterns are explored and new, healthy ways of coping are explored to effectively relieve symptoms and improve quality of life. 

4). Psychologists and clients work together collaboratively to develop goals and to actively target symptoms. 

Time is spent examining present-day issues, thoughts, and behaviors. For example: 

A teen who is depressed might think, "Everything is hopeless," or "There's no point to anything I do." 

Emotionally, these thoughts may occur with feelings of sadness, depression, apathy, and lack of motivation. Behaviorally, the depression may appear as increased isolation, withdrawal from usual activities, refusal to attend school, etc. However, these behaviors only reinforce the negative thinking patterns, and exacerbates the cycle of withdrawing from life due to a feeling that there’s no point in participating.  

For this, treatment would involve teaching the teen to identify and challenge negative thoughts, skills to cope with depressed mood (e.g., activity scheduling), and working with parents to develop a reinforcement system to encourage positive behaviors and use of coping strategies. CBT is highly collaborative, practical, and goal oriented. 

5). Because CBT is very goal oriented, there are many skills clients develop as part of the process. 

They are learning how to face fears, problem solving difficult situations, recognizing patterns of unhelpful thoughts and behaviors, and ways to calm the mind and body. Other skills taught as part of CBT include:

• Problem solving

• Communication training

• Cognitive restructuring aka learning to identify and dispute cognitive distortions. You can read more about cognitive distortions from these posts on our blog: 

• 8 Common Cognitive Distortions to Watch Out For

• 10 More Cognitive Distortions to Be Aware Of

• Managing Cognitive Distortions

• What is All or Nothing Thinking?

• Why “Should” Statements Make You Feel Worse

• Social skills training

• Relaxation training

• Behavioral activation aka intentionally practicing specific behaviors that promote a positive mental state, or avoid negative thinking traps. 

Are you interested in CBT? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer CBT therapy in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com.

What You Should Know About EMDR

Have you ever heard of EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a kind of psychotherapy that was developed in the 1980s by Francine Shapiro. Dr. Shapiro was walking outdoors in 1987

when she noticed that the distress she was feeling, related to upsetting memories, was lowered when she moved her eyes back and forth. She did further studies on this phenomenon, and eventually developed EMDR as the treatment it is today, as well as the Adaptive Information Processing model to explain how the treatment works. 

While EMDR is a newer treatment, it’s been shown to be incredibly effective in both research and in clinical settings. Many people experience a dramatic decrease in their distress level after EMDR therapy, and studies show it’s effective for many many mental health issues, including trauma, depression, anxiety, and OCD. 

How does it work?

The basic premise of EMDR is that our minds can heal wounds in the same way that our bodies can, but sometimes those wounds don’t heal correctly and cause pain long after the event in question. It’s almost like the painful memories and emotions get stuck. When this happens, we experience negative outcomes like trauma, anxiety, and other kinds of emotional and mental distress. Resolving these issues requires us to access and process these stuck memories and emotions, which happens through EMDR. 

EMDR offers a way to locate, access, and reprocess these stuck memories and emotions. The goal is to change the way the brain is storing these stuck memories so that they stop causing pain. EMDR treatment requires a clinician who is trained in EMDR, because the process of accessing and reprocessing traumatic memories is very sensitive. EMDR therapists have extensive training in the background of why EMDR works, and how to adapt it for different situations based on what the client needs.

What happens during an EMDR session? 

EMDR helps you to locate and reprocess traumatic memories, so it’s not something you can just jump into without preparation. EMDR has 8 phases, and each phase is essential, especially the phases where you work with your therapist to develop resources to help you during upsetting moments. 

• The 8 phases of EMDR are: 

• History & Treatment Planning

• Preparation

• Assessment

The first 3 phases are completed before reprocessing can begin. These phases are focused on understanding how EMDR can help the client based on their history, developing a treatment plan, building a rapport between the client and therapist, providing resources for the client to use in moments of distress, and deciding what event or memory to reprocess. 

• Desensitization

• Installation

• Body Scan

The next 3 phases are the reprocessing phases, where the client works with the therapist to access and reprocess the memory until they no longer feel distress around it. These phases include the bilateral stimulation that EMDR is famous for. Some clinicians will have you use eye movements, tapping, headphones, lights, buzzers, or tappers to direct the bilateral stimulation that allows you to access the memory networks that need reprocessing. 

• Closure

• Reevaluation

The final 2 phases help to build safety for the client as each session ends and begins. Each session will end with helping the client return to a calm state of mind, and each session will begin by checking back in to make sure that their distress level stays low around the reprocessed memory. 

Some of the phases go faster than others, and once you are ready to begin reprocessing, most of your EMDR sessions will be some combination of phases 3-8. 

What can EMDR help with?

EMDR was initially developed to help process trauma, and lessen the effects of PTSD, and it is an incredibly powerful way to treat trauma, including trauma from childhood or abuse. However, research has shown that EMDR can be helpful with a number of other mental health concerns, including: 

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Chronic Pain

• Dissociative Disorders

• Personality Disorders

• Addiction

• Eating Disorders

• Grief

• Self Esteem 

• OCD

EMDR is a treatment that can be used for children, teens, and adults. There are some situations where EMDR is not an appropriate treatment, so it’s important to check with an EMDR therapist to determine if it’s a good treatment choice for you. 

What are the benefits and drawbacks of EMDR?

One of the biggest benefits of EMDR is how effective it is as a treatment. Although it’s a newer treatment modality, there have been many studies conducted on EMDR that show it works. The data showed that EMDR was working for people before we even understood why it worked! Many organizations, including the World Health Organization, the American Psychological Association, and the US Department of Veterans Affairs recognize EMDR as an effective treatment for PTSD and other disorders.

Another major benefit of EMDR is that it doesn’t require a person to talk in detail about the distressing memories they have to reprocess them. EMDR does require you to focus on the memories, but you don’t have to put them into words. While focusing on the memories is definitely upsetting, it’s less intense than having to narrate or fully relive a traumatic memory. EMDR is also fully confined to the therapy session - you won’t have homework to do or be expected to process things on your own, everything will take place with your therapist, which can be appealing. 

Are you interested in EMDR? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer EMDR therapy in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com.

Don't Know What You're Feeling? Try This.

You’re sitting in therapy and your therapist asks the dreaded question: how are you feeling right now?

But there’s a storm of emotions in your head that you can’t decipher so you just say: I don’t know. 

This happens to all of us, and not just in therapy. There are so many moments we find ourselves not knowing what we’re feeling–maybe because we haven’t taken enough time to sit with it, or maybe because we’re feeling something in a context we’ve never felt it before–or maybe because many of us aren’t taught to recognize and have compassion for what we’re feeling when we’re feeling it. This leaves us at a disadvantage later, when it feels like our emotions are controlling instead of informing us. 

What’s the purpose of our emotions? 

Emotions can seem scary because we just aren’t taught a lot about them. When we shy away from understanding them, they become these all powerful entities that can control our lives. But the truth is, emotions (and the experience of having any emotion) is neutral. While it may feel positive or negative, the emotion itself is never a “bad” one to have. 

Emotions serve different purposes, including providing information to us about certain situations, or communicating to others how we feel. They can motivate us to act or help us avoid dangerous situations or potential threats. Emotions give us information about how we process and respond to the world around us. 

But emotions aren’t just felt in our minds, they involve what’s called a mind-body connection as what we experience is processed in our minds and felt in our bodies and physiological responses. These physical responses can be another way of your body trying to get you to pay attention to what your feelings are telling you, and to take appropriate action. Learning these physical responses can help you identify what you’re feeling when you have regular ways your feelings manifest in your body. 

Why is it so hard to figure out what we’re feeling?

The trouble with emotions is that they’re tricky. For example, some people may feel generalized anxiety and tension all day even in the absence of any threat. Others may be prone to feelings of depression and tend to interpret different situations with negative thoughts, thus in turn creating greater feelings of depression.

And, sometimes we just don’t have the vocabulary to decipher what we’re feeling.

Developing a greater awareness of your emotions can help you find ways to cope with difficult emotions that arise, make values-aligned decisions, enhance relationships with others, and develop a greater sense of self esteem. Identifying emotions and how you feel in a given situation is often the first critical step towards figuring out how best to manage them.

So how do we identify what we’re feeling if we don’t have the vocabulary for it?

One option is to browse out list of feelings here. Another method we’ll explore today is the Feelings Wheel! The feelings wheel is a great place to start if you have trouble identifying your feelings. 

The wheel starts with 7 general emotions at the center:

1. Happy 

2. Surprised 

3. Bad 

4. Fearful 

5. Angry 

6. Disgusted 

To start, you pick which of the five emotions feels closest to what you’re feeling. As the rings move outward, the terms get more and more specific. So for example, maybe you can only identify that you feel sad. If you start at sad, and go one ring out, is there a more specific feeling that fits? Maybe your sadness is actually hurt, and that hurt is embarassment. From there, you can take time to think of what it was that made you feel that way and how that feeling manifested for you. 

It may help to keep a feelings journal where you record this process. Note where you started on the feelings wheel and where you ended up. Then you can use the journal to explore how that feeling showed up in your body and what the circumstances around the feeling were. 

What happens when we don’t name our emotions?

This process can seem like a lot of work, and maybe you’re thinking it’s just not worth it! But when we don’t take time to understand our emotions, they don’t just go away. Instead, they can get more intense the longer they’re ignored, and the way they show up as physical symptoms can get more intense too. Your body wil deman you pay attention to what you’re feeling at some point. 

Not naming our emotions impacts other areas of our life as well, not just our physical health. It can also impact our relationships! Our feelings impact our behavior–if you’re feeling anxious, you’ll behave differently than when you’re feeling joy, etc. Without communicating what you’re feeling, your behavior can be interpreted incorrectly by friends and loved ones, and relationships can suffer. Understanding your feelings helps you understand how they impact how you behave with everyone in your life, and also gives you an opportunity to be open with those around about how you’re feeling so they know how to best support you. 

Learning to tune into and understand how we’re feeling is hard work, so don’t be hard on yourself if it take you a while to get to a place where you do it naturally. If you’re looking for support in this, our clinicians can help you.  

7 Tips for Coping with Parenting Stress

Being a parent is really hard.

It’s a lot to navigate the responsibilities and challenges of raising children, especially in a world as complicated as this one. Parenting, especially during the last four years, can be a bumpy ride. Dealing with the fallout of the pandemic and the way it strained caregivers, relationships, and mental health is no small feat. The way the pandemic strained our caregiving systems has left a lot of parents feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, and burned out with little relief. 

It makes sense that a lot of parents are dealing with stress and anxiety about parenting well. The world can be a scary place, and there are so many factors that parents today have to deal with that previous generations didn’t need to worry about, like social media and gun violence. It’s already nerve-wracking to be responsible for a whole person! Adding in the complications of life right now is a recipe for stress.

Dealing with parenting stress and anxiety is necessary for so many parents, but many don’t have the resources or the time to make changes to cope. It’s not right that parents are spread so thin, and there should be more protections for parents and families coming from our government–and there are a lot of people out there working toward just that. As change comes slowly, parents feel forced to do it all, often not knowing how to rely on their communities to fill in the gaps, which leaves them stuck with bandaid solutions to help lower stress levels–so they can get up again and do it the next day. 

Are you struggling with parenting stress and anxiety? You’re not alone. Below are some ways to cope with parenting stress and anxiety so you don’t feel so drained.

Be nice to yourself

It's easy for parents to be overly critical of themselves, feeling like they should be doing more or handling things better, especially during times of increased stress. However, it's important to remember that no one is perfect, and it's okay to cut yourself some slack. 

Practicing self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times. Acknowledge your efforts, even if they feel small.

Remember, you’re doing the best you can with the tools that you have, in challenging circumstances. It’s not possible to be a perfect parent, so learning how to be nice to yourself when you don’t get things right or struggle can help lower your stress levels. 

Remember to have fun

Being a kid is fun, and finding ways to connect with your child that make you both happy can help you feel more resilient to stress and anxiety. There are a lot of un-fun things about being a parent, but there’s also so many fun things to cherish. It can also be healing to take some time to look at the world the way that a child would, and rediscover that childlike wonder that makes being little so magical. 

It’s also important to carve out some time that’s just for you to have fun for yourself. It might seem frivolous to make time for fun when you’re stressed out, but denying yourself moments of joy can make stress feel worse. Moments where you’re happy and having fun can be rejuvenating to your well-being. Making time for yourself to enjoy things also sends the message to your kids that taking care of yourself is worthwhile and necessary, which is hugely important as they grow up. 

Manage your expectations

Don’t be hard on yourself for not getting more done in times of stress and anxiety. When things aren’t going well, it’s easy to feel like you need to do more and to be more, especially for your kids. It's natural for parents to want the best for their children, but it's also essential to set realistic expectations for yourself and your family. You may not be able to accomplish everything you normally would when you’re overwhelmed with stress, and that's okay. 

It’s okay to prioritize the most important tasks and let go of the need for perfection. By setting goals that feel more doable, you can reduce feelings of overwhelm and increase your sense of accomplishment.

Lean on your community 

We need community to survive so many things, and parenting is no different. It’s increasingly hard to raise a family without help from your community, whether that be family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, or someone else. Leaning on others for support can be incredibly beneficial in times of stress. It’s validating to talk with other parents who can relate to what you’re going through. 

Having a support system in place can provide emotional validation and practical assistance when you need it. Don't hesitate to reach out for help when you need it, and offer your support to others in return when you’re able to. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. 

Use resources available

It’s not right that parents have to work so hard to find resources for support, but there are options out there to try to help parents manage things. Your city might have resources for parents on their website, or there might be a local childcare council you can work with. 

There are also organizations, like Chamber of Mothers that are working to advance paid leave for all parents, quality, affordable childcare, and improve maternal health to try to approach these problems at the source. Parenting groups on social media, whether they’re local or widespread, can help parents find creative solutions to problems and also help them feel less alone. 

Work on mindfulness

Incorporating mindfulness practices and stress-relief techniques into your daily routine can help you manage stress more effectively in the moment and overall. 

Whether it's meditation, deep breathing exercises, yoga, or simply taking a few moments to focus on the present moment, mindfulness techniques can help you cultivate a greater sense of calm and resilience, which are powerful against stress. Find what works best for you and make it a regular part of your self-care routine.

Limit media exposure

It's important to stay informed about what’s going on in the world, but consuming excessive amounts of media can contribute to feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. Try to set boundaries around your media consumption, to give yourself a break. When you do consume media, prioritize sources that provide accurate information without sensationalizing or causing unnecessary distress. Consider taking regular breaks from screens and engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation instead. 

When the world is scary, it can be hard to stop scrolling because you don’t want to be unaware of what’s going on, but sometimes that can just heighten your sense of panic and stress. Remember that no one person can fix everything. Seeking out local organizations that are doing work to make the world a better place can help you feel like you’re taking meaningful action without just causing distress for yourself. 

Are you looking for more support with parenting stress and anxiety? Working with a therapist on parenting concerns can help you find more ways to cope and build your confidence as a parent. Get in touch with our office today to get started.

How Mindful Communication Can Improve Your Relationships

How often do you feel like you’re fully aware of the present moment?

It’s hard to stay in the present moment these days. There are always a million and one things pulling our attention away from the here and now. This is especially true when we’re communicating with other people. It’s easy to get caught up in emotions, or to think about what you’re going to say next, or get distracted by something on your mental to-do list. Practicing mindful communication can be a helpful way to improve your relationships. 

What is mindful communication?

Mindful communication occurs when you make a conscious effort to remain grounded in the present moment while you communicate with others. Staying completely in the present moment without getting distracted by something - a text, a random thought, a response to what the other person is saying, anxiety - isn’t easy. It takes practice and self compassion. 

It’s hard to give 100 percent of our attention to something because there are so many things to do, and it seems like there’s not enough time to get everything done. We often feel like multitasking is our only choice, to do everything we need and want to do. Think about how many times you’ve done multiple things at once - having a conversation while driving, cooking dinner and talking - it happens all the time. 

Mindfulness is a practice that’s focused on training yourself to spend more time in the present moment. It’s not about making every moment of your life mindful, because that’s not entirely realistic. There are going to be times where you’re not fully focused on what’s going on. That’s okay! You don’t need to choose between being 100 percent mindful or 0 percent. You can find a balance that works for you.

There are many benefits to mindfulness, including the ways that mindful communication can enhance relationships. Here are 4 ways that mindful communication can help you improve the relationships that matter to you:

Enhanced listening skills

It’s hard to listen well when you’re distracted and not fully grounded in the present moment. When you’re distracted, you’ll miss out on some of what’s being said, especially the non-verbal aspects of communication like body language. Giving the other person your undivided attention can help you understand what they’re saying more effectively, and help them to feel heard and validated.

Increased empathy

Maintaining your sense of empathy when talking to people you care about can make difficult conversations go a lot smoother. A big piece of mindfulness is being compassionate with yourself when you slip up. Learning how to be kind to yourself can help you extend that kindness to others. 

Remembering that the person you’re talking to has their own side and their own stuff going on can make it easier to see where they’re coming from. People also tend to want to open up when they’re being treated with kindness and empathy. Staying mindful when you communicate can help you notice when you’re getting frustrated or dysregulated instead of reacting first. 

Reduced reactivity

Mindfully communicating with others can help to lessen moments of reactivity. Instead of saying something you’ll regret later, you can recognize when you’re getting carried away by emotions and gently remind yourself to return to the present. You can notice when you’re feeling closed off or reactive, so you can choose to react differently. This can also be helpful with lowering defensiveness and other unhelpful patterns of conflict in relationships. 

Improved trust

Trust is hugely important in relationships, and mindful communication can help you build trust. Knowing someone will give you their full attention when you talk makes it easier to open up. It’s helpful to relationships to be open and honest, because that shows the other person that they can be open and honest as well. 

Are you wondering where to start? Try these strategies for mindful communication:

• Manage distractions - Put your phone away, turn away from the computer, lower the volume on anything playing, make sure you won’t be bothered

• Listen to understand, not to respond - focus on what they’re saying, not what you’ll say back

• Take turns talking - when you know your turn to speak will come, it’s less tempting to interrupt to try to get your point across.

• Be thoughtful about what you say - think about what you want to say before you say it so that your meaning doesn’t get distorted. Consider your tone and your language.

• Think about your goal for the conversation - what are you hoping to get out of communicating?

Making time for mindfulness can make a big difference in how you feel and in how you relate to others. Working with a therapist can help you practice mindfulness skills and find more ways to improve the relationships you care about. If you’re interested in working with one of our Maryland, Virginia, or Washington DC therapists, get in touch with our office today! 

How Can My Therapist Help with My Chronic Pain?

How can my therapist help with my chronic pain?

Suffering from chronic pain, or having a chronic illness with severe physical symptoms might not seem like the kind of thing you can go to a therapist for, but a therapist can be a key element of your chronic pain management. 

While your illness or pain may be physically located in your body, that doesn’t mean it’s entirely separate from your mental health. In fact, mental and physical health are incredibly linked. So, when your mental health suffers, your physical health often suffers, and vice versa: 

You might have experienced swings in mood or energy when you’re not feeling well, and that can be exponentially more intense in the case of chronic illness. In fact, people with chronic illnesses are two times more likely to experience anxiety and depression than people who don’t have a chronic illness…In fact, it has even been suggested that depression is associated with inflammation in the brain, so increased inflammation in the body due to physical illness may directly play a role in depression. 

5 Ways Chronic Illness Can Affect Your Mental Health

So how can your therapist aid in your chronic illness management? Your therapist can help you… 

…unpack and unlearn feelings of guilt and shame: 

We live in a culture that prioritizes hustling, being self made, and never resting. Those goals are often impossible to achieve for folks with chronic illness. There is much more rest, many more limitations, and many more instances of needing help from others when you’re chronically ill rather than able bodied. 

But, because of imposed cultural values like self sufficiency and productivity, taking the rest you need, caring for your body in the way it requires, and asking for help when you need it can all bring feelings of guilt and shame with them. That will be complicated even more by your family history, your history within relationships, and your history of getting your needs met. Your therapist can help you find your way through all of this and help you reduce those feelings of guilt and shame so you can take care of yourself the way you deserve. 

…develop self compassion and strengthen your self worth: 

It’s difficult to learn to rest. It’s even harder to learn to be nice to yourself about resting or respecting your limitations. And it’s an additional challenge to unlink your self worth from your productivity. In therapy you can explore what you feel the root of your self worth is, get comfortable with the idea of your inherent worth as a person, and develop habits rooted in self compassion rather than shame. 

…manage increased stress:

Managing an illness or constant pain is stressful. Adding in the logistics of likely needing medication, various doctors appointments, the work it takes to plan outings ahead of time to ensure accommodations, etc. Learning to manage stress to prevent burnout is a key skill practiced in therapy that can benefit anyone, but especially those managing chronic illness. 

…practice communication skills for difficult situations:

With chronic pain, comes limitations. You might not be able to do everything your friends want you to do. You may feel left out when friends or loved ones don’t make accommodations for you. These types of situations necessitate uncomfortable conversations, which depend on strong communication skills. Learning how to let someone know your needs, and finding ways to express your feelings clearly can help to strengthen your relationships as you navigate chronic illness. 

…work through the grief & trauma of chronic illness: 

Life after a chronic illness is very different to life before a chronic illness. And, with any major change or loss, that can bring grief or feel traumatic to us. Instead of trying to ignore that grief, you can take time to honor it in therapy. Your therapist can help you identify what it is you’re grieving, and help you hold that grief and move forward without it controlling you.  

…navigate relationship changes and loss: 

Sometimes the relationships we’re in aren’t able to withstand the challenges that come with managing a chronic illness. Or, if they do, they look distinctly different than the relationship did before there was a chronic illness to manage. That can be a lot to take on between two people, and it’s common to need outside support. Whether as a couple, or as an individual, it can be great to work with a therapist to navigate the changes and losses in your relationships that come along with chronic illness. 

The majority of people in the United States will experience chronic illness at some point in their lives. Treating the whole person is an important way to improve a person’s quality of life overall. It’s critical to take into account mental health when discussing physical health and vice versa. If you are living with a chronic illness and you’re looking for support, we can help. 

Why Is It So Hard to Build New Habits?

Our habits are just the patterned behaviors that get us through the day. 

They could be taking your medicine at a certain time, engaging in a yoga practice, taking your dog for a walk every afternoon, picking recipes to cook for the week, etc. Most of our days are structured by our habits, which is one of the reasons it can be so hard to practice new ones–you can blame your brain for this: 

When our brains notice that we do something over and over, they try to make life easier by making a sort of shortcut for that action. Our brains spend all day long taking action, so when they can use a shortcut, it’s usually helpful. These shortcuts are called neural pathways. 

Our brains work by sending electrical signals to our neurons from one area to another. When that path gets used over and over, our brains learn and develop a new neural pathway to send the message more efficiently. This is why after a certain period of time habits become so ingrained that you don’t even really have to think about them. 

That’s what makes breaking established patterns or establishing new ones can be so hard. But that’s not always all there is to it. Sometimes, even when we try to make sure we’re following best practices or practical advice for establishing new habits, we still can’t get there.  

Let’s explore some other reasons it can so hard to latch onto new habits: 

We let others determine what habits are valuable: 

It’s easy to look around at what others are doing, what is making them feel happy and fulfilled, and think that those are the things you should be doing to be happy and fulfilled too. Just look at the popularity of #GRWM (get ready with me) videos on Instagram: we like to see what successful, happy people are doing. And when we see their (performed) happiness and success, right alongside the habits they’re showing off, it’s easy to think: doing these things will make me happy and successful too. 

But, unfortunately, it’s just not that easy! First off, with that example, and every instance of this we see on social media, we don’t know the whole story. That person might look happy and successful, while actually really struggling. And secondly, every person is different. What works for one person won’t automatically work for you. Instead, it takes much more intricate work to get curious and turn inwards to ask yourself what you’re trying to accomplish with your new habits. What currently supports and enriches your life? Where do you feel longing for more? What are your values, and how can those help you determine what a happy, fulfilling life looks like? Use those questions to help you decide what new habits are good for you.  

We forgot that habits have seasons 

Have you ever been in the habit of something for a few months before it seemed to peter out of your routine? Then maybe a few months later you decide to “try that habit again”? We often see these cycles as continually “failing” at establishing reliable routines and new habits. But what if what is actually happening is that you’re naturally responding to your different needs in different seasons? Maybe there is a period of time where you do yoga every night before bed. When you stop doing yoga before bed, have you failed at that habit, or is there something that fills a different need that you’ve made room for in your nightly routine? It’s natural to having shifting routines–the important part is the routines you do have support the life you’re looking to create for yourself. 

We see success as all or nothing 

Similar to giving grace to the seasons, habits can come in, giving grace to yourself when you do fall off of a new habit and have to begin again to get used to it in your schedule can make diving back in easier. Success is not all or nothing. The fact that you put effort into building a new habit is a success in itself, and the time spent trying to build it before is practice that will make trying again less daunting. 

We lack self compassion or self care in our motivation: 

Why are you trying to build a new habit? Is it because you’re trying to add something of value to your life, or are you looking for ways to give yourself support or enrich your day to day life? Or are you being motivated by shame, feeling like something is wrong with you, that you have to fix how you live before you’re worthy of love and care? Being motivated by shame only works in short bursts, and then if we hit an obstacle, it can derail us completely. When you’re compassionate with yourself, needing to try more than once to get a habit to “stick” can just be part of the process. 

We have ways we’d rather be spending our time 

Yes there are things that you want to add to your routine, but it’s hard to give up things you currently enjoy. For this: consider habit stacking. Habit stacking is traditionally when you attach a new habit to an existing habit. Say, you make coffee every morning, and you need to remember to give your pet medicine at the same time every day. You can stay in the habit of getting up to make coffee, and then use the time it’s brewing to give the pet the medicine. That way it fits naturally into your schedule and you can get used to it more easily! 

For a non-traditional form of habit stacking, try sticking two new habits together, to balance out fun new habits you want to work in, with boring, chore-like habits you’re hoping to do more consistently. Lets you want to get in the habit of ending your day with a clean kitchen, and you also want to start actually listening to all those podcast episodes your friends keep recommending to you. You can take half an hour every evening to listen to an episode while cleaning up your kitchen at the end of the day. Then a boring, maybe even daunting chore, becomes a way to busy your hands while you focus on listening to something. 

Why does it matter what’s stopping us from establishing new habits?

It’s simple: if we figure out what is blocking us from trying new things, we can find support and address the root issue for long term change. 

Are you looking for more support as you build new habits? A therapist can help you discover what habits are no longer supportive for you and examine the barriers you face in implementing new ones, along with so much more. You can get started in one click!

Five Tools For Managing Loneliness and Building Connection

It’s normal to feel lonely. 

The problem with loneliness is that it tricks us into thinking we’re the only one who feels that way, that everyone else is happy and connected and supported by their friends, loved ones, and community, and out of shame we end up isolating, only making the loneliness worse. But the truth is most of us feel lonely every now and then. Sometimes it’s short lived, and other times it lingers, making it harder to break out of. 

Instead of withdrawing, here are seven things you can do when you’re lonely.

Ending a relationship  with a friend is difficult for a number of reasons, one of which is the feeling of loneliness that comes from that loss. Just like in a romantic breakup, where you once had the routine of going to that person with news and plans and jokes and stressors, you now have to find somewhere new to turn, and build new routines and relationships without them. Even when that’s the right choice, it can feel very lonely for a while. 

Relationships take time to build, so there is a period after ending a relationship, where you do feel less supported and resourced than when you had someone to fill that role. The grief that comes with that loneliness is common, and nothing to feel shame about. The loneliness is also common–and remember it’s temporary. 

For more support on managing that loneliness, read 4 tips for dealing with a friend breakup 

Strong friendships are some of the most fulfilling and supportive relationships we can have. But if you’re struggling with loneliness, making new friends can seem impossible. It’s hard to be so vulnerable like that as an adult. When you’re a child, it’s natural to enter a new space and find new friends in it–and, because of the way your life is constructed, it’s easier to find yourself surrounded by peers as a child. As an adult, a conscious effort must be made to go out into new places and to connect with new people. And that can be scary! 

It’s okay to admit it’s hard to meet new people you connect with. And when you’re ready, here are some ideas on what to do about it. 

Friendships occupy a very important place in our lives and communities. They are the family we choose, and those relationships can be just as close, supportive, and intimate as romantic or familial relationships. But it doesn’t happen without work. Just as you have to work with a romantic partner to understand and care for one another, the same work is required of intimate friendships. 

While having these intimate friendships only enriches our lives–giving us more opportunities for joy, for connection, for feeling seen and heard, for providing and accessing support, etc–most of what we hear about in regards to relationship work is about romantic relationships. 

You need a variety of support in your life, and learning to tend to your friendships with intention is a wonderful way to provide that for yourself. 

When addressing loneliness it’s also important to look at the larger picture outside of your individual relationships. What does your relationship to your community look like? Do you feel connected to your community, the resources and opportunities and connections it offers? Or do you exist alongside your community, without feeling familiar enough to claim a place in it?

Strong communities offer not just one option, but a garden of options for support; through building relationships with friends, family, neighbors, local businesses, community organizers & artists you open yourself up to a world of possibilities. You create a world full of people who can help you creatively, financially, professionally, spiritually, domestically, medically, etc. 

The basic function of cultivating a strong community is to make sure you don’t have to face any aspect of life alone. 

Taking steps to reduce feelings of isolation can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

How Can Therapy Help Me Navigate Big Life Changes?

Why are life transitions so stressful?

It’s a cliche but it’s true: change is the only constant. So why does it always feel like such an insurmountable task? Change can be exciting, but more often than not, we find ourselves fixated on everything stressful about change: how we’ll soon be navigating something unknown, how we’ll be saying goodbye to things that are not only familiar to us, but comforting. 

Sometimes it’s not until our routine is disrupted that we realize having a routine isn’t the same as being in a rut; our routines can give us structure, provide us with resourceful ways to meet our needs, and give us the comfort of knowing how to take care of ourselves. So it’s natural that when our routines are disrupted with some big life change, we feel apprehensive in the face of losing that comfort and stability. This is just one of the reasons big life changes–even ones we want–are so stressful to us. 

Transitions require a lot more from us than our regular day to day lives. 

The stress of building new routines, the grief of saying goodbye to familiar parts of our lives, the fear of the unknown we have to trust ourselves to make peace with when starting something new–emotionally, life transitions require a lot of us. 

Preparing for specific life transitions isn’t always possible–some changes in life are sudden and unexpected and we have to find ways to navigate them quickly and without hesitation. But preparing for life transitions in a general sense is a key component of the therapeutic process. 

In therapy, along with navigating crises as they come up and exploring your internal experience, you get the chance to practice skills that make it easier to navigate life transitions when they come up. These skills can include: 

• Learning how to stay present when stress comes up 

• Remaining centered and grounded when problem solving and exploring feelings

• Effective and productive stress management 

• Prioritizing self compassion as you navigate stressors and learning to manage them productively

• Examining stress as a means of moving toward the life you want, rather than avoiding it whenever it comes up

• Learning to look critically but compassionately at your own behaviors: which maintain the stress you experience, and which help you break free of them?

• Building a stronger sense of self empowerment

These skills are taught and practiced over and over again in therapy. 

While you may start therapy for support in one area of your life, you’re also building the foundation you need to go back and practice those skills. And every time a new life stress or transition comes up, you get the chance to practice and strengthen those skills once again. These practices help us not just in single instances, but with lots of obstacles we face, like: 

• academic stress (starting a new school, applying for programs, keeping up with requirements, etc.)

• workplace stress (balancing responsibilities, navigating difficult professional relationships, feeling pressure to perform, burnout, etc.) 

• housing stress (finding housing, affording housing, keeping up with housing responsibilities like bills and chores, etc.)

• relationship stress (ending a relationship, starting a new relationship, navigating relationship milestones, managing relationship conflict, etc.)l

• chronic health concerns

We work with kids, teens, young adults, and adults going through various types and times of stress and life adjustment concerns, including academic stress, work stress, divorce, the end of significant relationships, moving, job changes, and chronic health stressors.

If you would like more support in coping with life transitions, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help.

How to Improve Sleep When You Deal With Chronic Pain

If you deal with chronic pain, you know how important sleep can be to helping you feel better. 

When you get a poor night’s sleep, your symptoms might feel worse. You might have a harder time regulating your emotions, and find it harder to complete everyday tasks. Improving sleep quality is often a process of trial and error, but it can be an especially important part of the chronic pain toolkit. 

Why is sleep so important?

Sleep is one of our basic biological functions, and we can’t survive without it. Sleep is essential to our physical and mental functioning. Sleep allows our bodies time to repair and to reset for the next day, and can even support our immune functioning. 

Chronic sleep deprivation can lead to serious health problems like diabetes, heart disease, and stroke. In addition, when you don’t get enough sleep, it can be harder to think clearly and to do the everyday things that are required of you. 

Chronic pain impacts many areas of life, and sleep is no exception. Chronic pain can make it harder to get comfortable enough to fall asleep, and pain can wake you up during the night, reducing the amount of sleep you get.

If you’re dealing with chronic pain, a good night’s sleep might feel impossible. Here are some things to try to improve your sleep when you deal with chronic pain: 

Talk to your doctor about sleep 

Sleep is a critical bodily function, and when you have sleep issues it’s best to make your doctor aware. That might seem overwhelming, especially as someone who deals with chronic pain and has to deal with many medical providers already. There are some medical interventions that can make sleep easier, though, so it’s important to bring it up with your primary care physician to see if there are any options that can help you.

For example, sleep apnea can make it harder to sleep deeply, and wearing a CPAP machine while you sleep can help you sleep more deeply. Get a sleep study done if possible. You can do sleep studies from home a lot of the time now. They may also be able to help you find a medication that works for you to help you sleep better. 

Use light filter settings on your devices

There’s a lot of advice out there about not using screens in the evening because of the exposure to blue light that interrupts sleep. However, it’s much easier said than done to put down your devices after a certain time. Has anyone ever actually stopped using their phone before bed? Sometimes that’s not reasonable. 

If you are looking at your phone or at a device before bed, try using the built in color filters that most devices have to help block out the blue light. You can also try wearing blue light blocking glasses if you don’t have a filter on your device. 

Develop a wind down routine 

Developing a routine that signals to your brain that it’s time to wind down can be helpful in improving your sleep. See how it feels to stretch, meditate, journal, or read as you wind down before bed. 

If you’re able to, taking a hot bath with epsom salts can help you become more sleepy and help with winding down. If you don’t have a tub, try soaking your feet in some warm water with epsom salts to help you begin to wind down. You can also try drinking a warm beverage, like tea (make sure to choose a kind of tea that doesn’t have caffeine) to help signal to your brain that it’s time for sleep. 

Try to stick to a general bedtime

Another way to help signal to yourself that it’s time to sleep is to stick to a specific bedtime. It can be hard to go to sleep at the same time every night when your symptoms are causing you pain, but over time it gets easier. It’s going to be hard to sleep when your brain is wired, so it might take some time to get to a bedtime that works for you. Try shifting things by 5 minutes at a time and work toward the time you’d ideally like to go to sleep. 

It’s also important to be kind to yourself when you can’t stick to that bedtime. Being hard on yourself isn’t going to make it any easier to sleep. 

Use pillows to help support your body

Waking up feeling worse than when you went to sleep isn’t a fun experience. Sometimes movement during sleep can help contribute to pain during the day. Try using pillows to help support you as you sleep. 

Consider using a neck pillow for neck pain or a body pillow to help keep yourself propped up in a way that won’t increase your pain. Some people also sleep with a heating pad or an electric blanket on the parts of their body that tend to cause pain. Some of them have timers so you can make sure it keeps you warm all night. 

Set up your sleeping place for success

Studies show that sleeping in a cooler room can help with getting deeper sleep, so try sleeping with your thermostat turned down a bit lower or with a fan on you. You can also try using white noise, either from a fan or a noise machine, to help create an environment where you can sleep. 

Something else that might help is to be able to turn your electronics or lights on and off from your phone or using a remote. That way, when you’re comfy in bed, you don’t have to get back up to turn off the lights. 

Use your pain relief toolkit

When you’re dealing with chronic pain, sometimes you need to try multiple ways to manage it so you can make it through the day and night. 

As someone with chronic pain, you probably have your go-to ways to manage your pain, like using a TENs unit or using a pain relief gel. See what you have on hand that can help make you more comfortable through the night. 

Are you looking for more support as you deal with chronic pain? Our therapists can help. We have therapists who can support you with chronic illness, chronic pain, &  medical stressors. Contact us today to make an appointment!