6 Ways Cooking Together Builds Intimacy

Do you have plans for this Valentine’s Day?  

A third pandemic Valentine’s Day in a row might not sound super exciting, we know. Depending on what’s happening in your local area there might be some restrictions on where you and your partner can even spend the day celebrating! 

If you’re trying to think of something to do this Valentine’s Day, consider simply cooking a meal with your loved one. 

It might sound simple, but cooking a meal together can be a great (and fun!) way to spend quality time with your partner and build intimacy between the two of you. 

And of course, this doesn’t have to be limited to romantic relationships! While Valentine’s Day is primarily about romantic relationships, you can expand the meaning of the day to celebrate any sort of meaningful relationship in your life! Because even if you aren’t currently involved in a romantic relationship, you have plenty of other significant relationships in your life. 

And intimacy isn’t inherently romantic. Being intimate with someone is just about feeling comfortable being vulnerable and your authentic self with someone else. You can build that connection in any sort of relationship! 

So why cook a meal together? 

It’s a simple thing, but there is so much intimacy in it! Here are 6 reasons cooking together can help build intimacy: 

Firstly, you have to remain present: 

When you’re cooking, you have to be fully in the moment, thinking about the food you’re preparing, how it will work together, the step you’re on, the smells and sights in front of you, etc. Cooking is basically one big mindfulness practice! And when it comes to spending time with loved ones, it’s quality over quantity–meaning, it’s better to be fully engaged and present with a loved one for a short amount of time, than to spend all day together when neither one of you is really existing in the present moment. So cooking a meal together is a great way to ground yourselves in the present moment and really enjoy your time together meaningfully. 

You’re connecting over a shared goal:

Does that sound silly? It might, but it’s true! In order to even get to the stage where you’re cooking together you need to: agree to cook together, agree on what you want to eat, get the ingredients and materials for what you want to prepare, and only then can you start actually preparing it together. This is a lot of cooperation! It might not feel big to you, but think of how long it takes you to decide what you want for dinner on a day you’re burned out. It’s seeming more impressive to do it with another person, and then work together to make that meal happen, right? 

It’s dependent on communication: 

Unless you’re both naturally instinctive chefs, you’re going to need to communicate with one another about what you both need to do and how you need to work together to get the meal prepared! No, you don’t need to map out a battle plan, but this shows up in the small things like “can you chop the onions while I melt the butter?” Having a whole activity that requires the two of  you to really listen and respond to one another can help you appreciate how well you work together. 

Nourishing one another is inherently intimate:

Taking time to lovingly prepare a meal for someone and then make sure they eat it is one of the biggest ways humans connect intimately with one another! Think of parents and children: one of the most significant relationships in our lives, and so much bonding within that relationship happens over meal times. Whether that’s the contact from holding a baby as you feed them or sharing stories over meals at family dinners, nourishing one another is a wonderful way to bond.  Taking time to prepare a meal for someone says: I care about you, I want to make sure you’re well nourished. What could be more loving than that?

Cooking is a sensual experience:

Cooking and eating engage all of your senses, and often link it with pleasure! While you’re cooking you’re focused on: how does this food look? How does it smell? Does it taste good? What can I do to make it more enjoyable? Connecting with your partner over what’s pleasing to your senses is a wonderful way to connect intimately (or even erotically)  without needing sex to enter the picture at all. 

Cooking can strengthen your emotional ties:

Cooking can be a very personal experience. We so often learn to cook from loved ones (parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles, etc.) or people with significant relationships to us.  There is a lot of emotion and nostalgia tied to cooking. It’s something that engages all of your senses which means your memories tied to it will be strong! Cooking with a partner gives you an opportunity to share those memories–you can teach them how to cook something your parents taught you, or something connected with a happy memory that you get to share with them. 

If you’re looking for more ways to build intimacy in  your relationship, couples therapy can give you a safe and compassionate space to explore and grow closer. Get in touch today to get started! 

3 Ways to Celebrate Platonic Relationships This February

3 Ways to Celebrate Platonic Relationships This February

Romantic relationships get a lot of attention this time of year, because Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. When we think of demonstrating our love for others, we usually think of romantic relationships first. There are lots of cultural scripts that encourage us to prioritize romantic relationships above platonic ones. It’s becoming more and more common for folks to celebrate friendships, but it can also be hard to find the time or the energy, especially in the middle of winter. 

There’s only so much energy to go around right now. We’re coming up on our third spring in this pandemic, and burnout is everywhere. When you’re burned out, the idea of doing anything, let alone the emotional labor required to maintain relationships, can be too much. If you’re feeling that way right now, you’re not alone. It’s okay to reassess what you’re able to handle relationship wise right now, and set new boundaries if necessary. 

It’s also important to note that some people simply aren’t interested in romance for whatever reason. Some folks like their independence as a single person, others might be aromantic or somewhere else on the ace spectrum. It can be jarring sometimes to see someone not following certain cultural expectations, like getting married and having 2.5 kids, but it’s also helpful for everyone to see that there’s not just one way to live your life. It’s possible to deviate from the script, and seeing someone do that can be eye opening and even give you permission to do that yourself. 

Another cultural expectation is that friendship goes on the back burner once you reach adulthood and start forming a life of your own. Some folks certainly prefer to search for a romantic partner and prioritize that relationship above the other ones in their lives, especially if they have a family together. That’s not the only way to manage relationships in adulthood, though. Some people prefer to focus on non-romantic relationships, and that’s a fine choice too. But because it’s kind of expected for folks to overlook friendships, it can be hard to find resources for how to nurture those relationships. 

Investing in our platonic relationships can help us feel more confident and secure in romantic relationships. As you nurture the relationships and connections you have outside of your romantic life, it will feel less scary being abandoned by a romantic partner. It’s often frightening to imagine what you’ll do without your partner or without a future partner, but romance isn’t the only way to make connections that can support you during hard times. Family, friends, and even coworkers can help you see that there are lots of people out there who care about you and who you can lean on, even if your romantic relationship ends. 

However you choose to structure and prioritize your relationships, it can be fun to celebrate them every once in a while. It’s pretty easy to find lists or ideas for how to celebrate romantic love, but it’s tougher to find ideas for non-romantic relationships.

If you’re looking for ways to celebrate the platonic loves in your life, here are 3 ideas to consider:

Along with Valentine’s Day, celebrate Palentine’s Day

There’s no rule saying you can’t celebrate all kinds of love this February! Enjoy Valentine’s Day, but consider celebrating your buddies too. Palentine's Day is a made up holiday focused on celebrating friendship, inspired by Galentine’s Day, a fictional holiday from the TV show Parks & Rec, that is focused on “ladies celebrating ladies.” Palentine's Day is a gender neutral way to celebrate the pals in your life (after all, not everyone’s pals are ladies!). You don’t have to throw a party or make everything perfect, but setting aside a specific time to celebrate friendships can really lift the spirits. Even if you can’t meet in person, you can send love notes to your pals telling them what you love about them. 

Make a scrapbook or online photo album with some of your cherished memories

Most of us have thousands of pictures on our phones, but how often do we go back and remember what we were taking photos of? If it’s been a while since you’ve held physical photos, getting some favorites printed can be a sweet way to remind yourself of the people you love. Deciding what photos to print can also be a nice excuse to go scrolling through your pics and reminisce about your memories. If you’re not into printing physical copies or if that’s not accessible for you, try creating an online scrapbook or photo album every once in a while to give you a reason to revisit your memories, especially with the people you love. Sharing photos, whether physical or digital, is another nice way to show people you’re thinking of them. 

Send your friends a love note

At this point, we’re all pretty tired of meeting up with our people virtually or over the phone. We’ve been semi-isolated for a few years now, and all our usual methods of communication are kind of getting old. To spice things up, send your loved ones some snail mail! It’s always fun to get an unexpected surprise in the mail, and getting a little love note from someone you care about can make someone’s whole week! Sending snail mail also lets you be a little more creative than an email, text, or video call. You can include more than just a note, you can decorate the envelope, write on fancy paper, even seal it with wax! Have fun with it and your loved ones will have fun receiving it. 

If you’re looking for more ways to nurture your relationships, whether romantic or platonic, talking with a therapist can help you discover what your needs are and how to ask for them, as well as give you a safe space to process any issues that come up in your relationships.

Adult relationships can get messy sometimes, and it can be a relief knowing that you’ll be able to talk it all through with someone who gets it. Get in touch with us today to get started!

6 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations with Your Partner

Every relationship has ups and downs.

No lasting relationship exists without conflict, so knowing how to address it in a healthy way is crucial for a healthy, lasting relationship. It requires a deep vulnerability and a commitment to be honest, which can be very scary! The more vulnerable and honest we are, the more we feel others have the power to hurt us, even unintentionally. And it can be hard to go to your partner and tell them you’re unhappy about something in your relationship. 

But the truth is, if you didn’t care about the relationship, you wouldn't say anything at all! You would probably just go your own way, and the relationship would be over. It shows how important a relationship is when you’re willing to take that risk to be vulnerable in an attempt to be seen and understood–and hopefully it will allow you and your partner to grow closer.

However, we know that it does feel scary to broach a difficult conversation with a partner.

So to help you, we’ve put together 6 tips for having difficult conversations with your partner: 

Remember your partner is human: 

Even if they have done something that upset you, it’s likely their intention was not to cause you any harm. Remind yourself of a time when you let someone down without intending to, and consider how you wish they had engaged with you. This doesn’t mean to excuse behavior that is a problem, just to go into the conversation with the assumption your partner didn’t mean to hurt you, that they want to learn to be the best partner they can be, but that they will sometimes mess up. 

Understand your own feelings first: 

Take a moment to make sure you understand why you’re upset. Are you upset because your partner is on their phone anytime you watch TV together, or are you upset because it feels like there is very little time where the two of you feel present together? When you figure out what it is you’re actually having an emotional response to, you can communicate your needs much more clearly. And it helps to make sure you’re having a conversation about what actually matters–in this case, it’s not so much about phone usage, but feeling disconnected from one another. So the solution might be to put your phone away at certain times, but it might be something different. Focus on the root of the issue, not just the incident that felt like the tipping point. 

Understand your intention with the conversation: 

What is it you want to happen when you open up to your partner like this? Are you looking for them to just hear your feelings, or do you want them to help “solve” the problem? Sometimes, things are small one-time occurrences, and we might feel that all we need to do is point out what upset us and trust our partner to hear us. But sometimes, the issue is larger or more ongoing. In that case, if your intention is problem solving, remember that you and your partner are a team, and it’s the pair of you vs the problem, not you vs them. 

Be intentional about when you talk: 

When you need to have a serious conversation, you don’t want to feel like you’re just barely squeezing it in. You also don’t want you or your partner to be distracted or pulled away while in the middle of the conversation. So find a time that you are both free to sit and talk for a long time, so you can really focus on one another and not feel rushed or like you weren’t able to really get into it. 

Commit to understanding their side: 

Just as you want them to hear and understand you, give them space to talk so you can do the same. And don’t just listen to respond–really sit and actively listen. What are they saying? What are they hoping you’ll understand? Was this something you knew before? 

Fight fair:

Don’t bring up little annoyances you’ve let slide under the rug. Don’t dredge up an old argument to help “prove your point.” If you feel things getting too heated, suggest a break so that you can both take time to cool off and come back when you’re ready to hear one another.  

If you need some extra support in having difficult conversations with your partner, we can help. Contact us today! 

5 Tips to Start Journaling for the First Time

5 Tips to Start Journaling for the First Time

Have you ever tried to keep a journal?

It can be a hard practice to keep up. And it can feel intimidating to start! If you’ve been on Pinterest or Instagram in the past few years, you’ve surely seen some bullet journals–a huge new trend in the world of journaling! 

Bullet journaling is meant as a mindfulness practice, and a method of rapid journaling dependent on shorthand so it can remain simple and easy to understand at a glance. However, the trend has taken off massively, especially amongst creatives, who have taken the basics of the bullet journal and made them much more elaborate or decorated records of their day to day life. 

This method of bullet journaling can be intimidating to start with. It requires a lot of forethought to figure out how you will lay out your month’s pages, what you want to keep track of, etc. So it’s easy to start out with big ambitions, and eventually get overwhelmed. 

But bullet journaling isn’t the only option out there for a regular, mindful journaling practice. And, it’s better to pick a method that can easily fit into your existing routine, until it becomes a habit for you. Eventually you may like journaling so much you might want to take all of that time to set up your pages for the month ahead! But until you know that will fill your cup, try to give yourself a more accessible goal for a beginner. 

Here are 5 tips for first time journalers getting started: 

You don’t have to have a paper journal: 

While it’s always nice to take a break from screens, and having a physical paper journal can help you ground yourself in the present moment, if you don’t want to go out and buy one before you’re a constant journal-er you don’t have to! You can keep a journal in your phone, in a notes app, or on your laptop in a blank word document. 

Give yourself some “rules”: 

Forming a daily journaling habit can seem daunting at first. You might think, what will I write about every day? What if I can’t think of anything? That’s why it can be helpful to have some sort of guide of what you want to get in your journal. Maybe you write one thing you struggled with, one thing you enjoyed, and an update about something in your life. That’s three quick sentences and you can say you’ve written in your journal that day! It doesn’t have to be those questions, pick ones that work for you. You can use those “rules” for what to write about everyday or just days when you can’t think of what to write! It’s totally up to you. 

Schedule it into your day: 

Leaving your journaling practice for “whenever you have time” will quickly turn into you never having time to journal. So pick ten minutes of your day, and block them off in your calendar. Those are your journaling minutes! It can be whenever works for you, but make sure you commit to including it in your schedule. 

Don’t be afraid to try new techniques: 

There are a lot of journaling techniques out there that people have written all about. If one style of journaling just feels frustrating and fruitless, allow yourself to let that style go! You’re not obligated to journal the same way forever, just because you tried it once. Follow your own needs, and give yourself permission to try different styles until you find one you like.  

Pair it with something you enjoy: 

Journaling shouldn’t always feel like a chore. As you’re getting started it might feel a little chore-like, but as the habit develops it should be something you enjoy! Treat it like something special; maybe you have some fancy chocolates you can pair with your journaling habit, or make yourself a warm cup of coffee to savor as you reflect on your day. Make journaling a pleasure! 

If you need some extra support in figuring out how to start your journey of self care and self reflection, we can help. Contact us today! 

Reaffirming Your Covid Boundaries

Welcome to the New Year! 

As we enter 2022, it’s a good time to take a moment to pause and reflect on your boundaries. We’re still in a pandemic, so boundaries are something that have been shifting and changing for all of us over the last two years.

It’s natural for boundaries to shift and change over time.

And it’s not a sign that the boundary isn’t working or hasn’t served you. But as time goes on, much of our lives change! Even if we don’t notice it, as it happens gradually day to day, we’ve changed a lot in a year. And as we change, we need to consider which of our habits and boundaries are serving us, and which we should let go of. 

And, as Covid cases rise and fall, it’s important to know where your boundaries are, so you can make choices based on your own feelings of comfort and safety, and not based on what you think others want you to do. 

When was the last time you reconsidered your pandemic boundaries? You probably do it without noticing day to day, when you decide where you need to mask up, and where your risk is lower. But it’s always a good idea to take some time to really intentionally reflect on your comfort levels and what will make you feel safe as we continue to navigate this pandemic. That way you can feel confident when you need to communicate and enforce them, because you’ve taken the time to really understand your needs. 

Questions you can ask yourself to reflect on your Covid boundaries:

• What are the cases looking like in my local area?

• What are the recommended precautions in my area?

• How many people do I intend to see on a regular basis?

• Do I know (in general) how many people they interact with daily?

• Do I know who of my social circle is vaccinated? 

• Will I be around anyone who cannot get vaccinated?

• Do I have underlying health risks I need to be concerned about?

These are all questions you’ve probably asked yourself before. But taking time to sit with them again as circumstances change throughout the pandemic can help ease anxiety, as it’s a way for you to take control of what you’re able to, when so much else is out of your control. 

Now that we’re so deep into the pandemic, some of our boundaries are becoming more relaxed, so it can feel tough to reinforce firm boundaries.

It can be so hard to go back to strict boundaries after relaxing them a bit, especially if you worry it will offend your loved ones. But not sticking to your boundaries can make it even harder to enforce new ones when you need to. While it may be uncomfortable it’s important to communicate that your boundaries are not up for negotiation. 

If you need help figuring out how to word your boundaries as you communicate them, you can find examples here! 

If you need support setting and communicating your boundaries, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

8 Ways to Upgrade Your Self-Care Routine in 2022

8 Ways to Upgrade Your Self-Care Routine in 2022

Does the new year get you in the mood to make some changes? The idea of a fresh start is enticing, and the end of the year can be the perfect time to evaluate what’s working for you in your life and what you want to change in the year to come. Of course, not everyone likes making big changes at the new year (or sometimes people feel pressured to change by advertising and social media), so the idea of making a change now doesn’t sit right with everyone. If that’s the case, feel free to read over these suggestions and save them for a time when you are making a change. 

One impactful way to make a change is to reconsider and upgrade your self-care routine. The last two years have thrown a lot at us, and in turn it’s helpful to amp up the way we care for ourselves in these difficult times. 

Upgrading your self care routine can be as quick as putting reminders in your calendar to pick up your prescriptions or scheduling an appointment with a therapist. It can also mean reconsidering how you currently take care of yourself and letting go of practices that no longer serve you. 

Everyone is different, so everyone’s self-care practices and preferences will look different. It’s easy to get into the comparison game these days with everyone else’s highlight reel literally a click away, but try to focus on what you’re doing for you, not on what everyone else is doing. Even if someone’s life seems perfect, they undoubtedly have some stuff they’re dealing with behind the scenes. Your self-care routine should give you space to rest, relax, and rejuvenate, as well as feel creatively and emotionally fulfilled. 

As it happens, we have a ton of ideas for how to upgrade your self-care routine in the new year. Each suggestion leads to a more in-depth post on the topic so you can dive deep if you want to. Here they are:

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

“When you’re constantly putting yourself up against someone else–out of either admiration or jealousy–you’re not seeing the other person as a full person. You’re only seeing the one thing that is provoking an emotional reaction out of you (a picture of their vacation, a post about their promotion, etc.). It can lead to jealousy, even resentment in your relationships.

Another way comparison can cause harm is the way it leads you to over evaluate yourself. While self awareness is good, like all things it needs moderation. Excessive self awareness and self evaluation will get you stuck in your head, overthinking, and preventing you from actually meaningfully engaging in the present.”

Work on Being Nicer to Yourself

“Self-compassion is being nice to yourself. The idea of self-compassion is drawn from Buddhism. Being kind to yourself might sound really simplistic, but it can be a lot harder than it sounds. Many of us have a voice in our heads that chimes in when we mess up. That voice is called the Inner Critic, and it can be hard to notice it sometimes. 

There are times when we’re so immersed in beating ourselves up that we don’t even consider that there’s another option. However, there is always another option. Being kind, gentle, and understanding to yourself is always a choice you can make, it just takes practice to remember that that’s an option.”

Get to Know Yourself Better

“Do you have to get to know yourself? It’s not required, but understanding yourself on a deeper level can increase your overall happiness, reduce the sense of inner conflict you feel, and help you feel more empowered. The better you know yourself, the better decisions you can make. 

You know what your boundaries are and what your needs are. You’ll be able to resist peer pressure or comparing yourself to others, because you’re confident that the path you’re on is right for you (and if you’re not on the right path, you’ll have a map to it when you understand yourself on a deeper level). Not only will it be easier to make decisions and exercise self-control when you get to know yourself better, but you’ll also feel more understanding toward others.”

Dedicate Time to Being Creative Regularly

“Creativity in any form helps us to express our feelings. Whether that’s through writing, singing, dancing, painting, sculpting, etc., creativity gives us an outlet to be freely vulnerable and authentic. 

Through art, music, movement, or other forms of expression we can start to unpack and understand our feelings, and what those feelings are telling us about ourselves, our needs, and our desires.”

Start Using Affirmations

“Research shows that using affirmations can essentially reprogram your mind. Instead of sticking with your old patterns of negative thinking and self-talk, affirmations teach your brain to make new connections. Getting into the habit of using affirmations can also help you get more familiar with the patterns in your day to day thoughts. When you notice what’s going on, you can do something to change it. 

Another great thing about affirmations is that you get to choose them. There are so many things about life that we can’t control and can’t change. One thing we can control is how we think. If you find negative thoughts and assumptions creeping in, you can choose to engage with them or not. You can decide to think about positive things to try to shift that negativity.”

Reparent Your Inner Child

“If growing up you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to, then because of your inner child, there is still a part of you holding onto that fear. And that fear has likely affected your life as an adult–even though the experience was so long ago. As the adult you are now, you are able to identify what in your inner child needs healing, and then provide them with it. This is how you work as both parent and child within yourself. You are the child, hurting. And you are the parent, helping them heal. 

When you start building a life that makes your inner child feel safe and loved and listened to, you are able to let go of those coping mechanisms you used when you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to. In this way, inner child work helps you reach the future you want by healing your past wounds.”

Tap Into Your Intuition

“Past experiences are all stored in our brains, and while we may not be actively thinking about them, our brain can access them when it needs to. It uses those past experiences and cues from our environment and our sense of self and all comes together to give us those gut feelings we call intuition. 

Your body and your brain can interpret your environment faster than you can, so when you get a “bad feeling” it doesn’t mean you’re overreacting or being “crazy”–it means that there is something there, some element of your environment that triggered that knowledge in the back recesses of your brain before you could piece it together yourself.”

Explore Spirituality

“At its core, spirituality is about connecting with your world. It’s about finding your values, and finding ways to live your life with them in mind. It’s about finding your purpose, your connection to others, your connection to the world around you. Spirituality, whatever form it shows up in, is how we make sense of the time we’re given in this world.

Spiritual wellness just means that you are asking yourself the question “What does it mean for me to be spiritually fulfilled?” and then doing your best to incorporate practices that help you achieve that fulfilment.”

What are you looking forward to in 2022? If you’re looking for more support as you shift your routines in the new year, talking with a therapist can help.

Making Big Life Decisions In Scary Times

We’ve heard the word “unprecedented” a few too many times in the last two years. But what we’re living through right now is scary and unpredictable–most of us have not lived through something like this before. So we’re all having to learn as we go, adjust to new normals every few months, and be gentle with ourselves as we learn. 

But this uncertainty makes decision making, and making big changes really, really scary! Think back to March of 2020–at first we thought covid was something we could get under control with just a few weeks of quarantine. But now, we’re in a totally different place that many of us couldn’t predict way back at the start of this. 

There has been a lot of putting things on hold during the Covid pandemic. Events like weddings or festivals have been canceled and rescheduled and postponed, and have altogether been pretty hard to plan for, because the waves of the pandemic are hard to plan for! So how can you even go about making big life decisions in scary times like this? When at the start of the pandemic it seemed like putting off things like switching jobs or trying for a baby or buying a house made sense, we’re now almost two years into it and we have to start reevaluating whether we’re really serving ourselves by continuing to put our lives on hold until “after” the pandemic. 

Give your gut a chance to talk

What’s your initial instinct when thinking about whatever decision you’re trying to make? What do you imagine first? Explore that fantasy a bit. Let your gut tell you what your dream scenario for the next phase of your life is. If you keep coming back to one thing, even if you can’t articulate why, that’s probably your intuition trying to talk to you! Your instincts are stronger than you know, give them a chance to speak before overthinking every part of your decision.  

Explore your motivations

Why do you want to make this choice? Is it truly what you want, or are you feeling pressure to do it? Is it not what you want, but it would solve a problem for you? Is there another way to solve the problem? Are you just looking for any change, and you think this will do? Take some time to sit with why you want to make the choice you want to make. Explore what that’s telling you about your current situation, and what you want in the future. 

Get a snack and sleep on it

You’d be surprised at the effect hunger and sleep deprivation can have on your mood, your emotions, your stress tolerance, your problem solving skills, etc. Sometimes when a big decision comes up and it feels like life or death, we might just be at a point where we’ve pushed ourselves too far. No one decision will “make or break” you, you don’t need to carry all of that pressure! Take stock of how you’re feeling about your choices when you’re overwhelmed, and then: get something to eat and get a little rest. Come back rested with more energy and see how you feel then. 

It doesn’t have to be right forever, it just has to be right, right now

Lots of us put so much pressure on big life decisions because we try to imagine how that choice will impact the rest of our lives. Now for some things that’s true–things like having a baby will definitely change your life drastically from now, until the end. But other things aren’t so permanent. You can change jobs, and in a couple of years you might realize that job actually isn’t for you. Just because you decided it was right for you when you took it, doesn’t mean you’re locked in forever! We change and grow all of the time, and often in ways we could never have predicted. That’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s something to nurture. You are constantly becoming a newer, truer version of yourself. If that means changing your mind somewhere down the line, that’s okay!  

Make peace with what this choice takes away

Let’s say you’re switching jobs. While on the one hand you’re entering a new environment, maybe a new field, learning new skills and meeting new people (all exciting things!)–you also do have to say goodbye to some things. Your old job, the trajectory it had for your overall career, the opportunities it may have brought you, etc. It’s okay if it’s hard to say goodbye to something that doesn’t serve you anymore. You can feel sad about what you’re leaving behind, even when you know it’s the right choice. Take time to truly consider what you will need to say goodbye to, maybe even write a letter to those things. Let them know what they meant to you, how they helped support you to get to this point where you could make a change. 

Make the choice based on where you are now, not where you wish you were:

It can be scary to make big life changes, so the idea of waiting for the “perfect” time is obviously appealing! And to most of us, the perfect time to make a big change in our lives is not in the midst of a global pandemic. But we can’t wish our way out of it, and we can’t predict when it will end. So imagining all of your decisions as post-pandemic choices just keeps you stagnant, and possibly, unhappy. When making these big decisions, don’t think to yourself, “well if there was no pandemic…” because, awful and difficult as it is, there is a pandemic. As much as we all wish we could move on and never have to think about the pandemic again, as of right now adjusting to living with it and finding a new normal is our daily life. Accept that the perfect circumstances might not come, but that you deserve to seek out the life you want even in imperfect times. 

If you’re looking for more ways to gain confidence and feel empowered by the decisions you make, our counselors can provide a safe and compassionate space for you to explore your needs and what’s getting in the way of meeting them. Get in touch today to get started! 

6 Little Ways to Improve Your Romantic Relationship

Improving any relationship may seem like a daunting task, especially a romantic relationship. After all, it’s hard for people to change! It seems like making any sort of meaningful change would take a long time and a lot of effort. Big changes and shifts often do take time and patience, but there are lots of little ways to improve your romantic relationships that can add up over time. 

Romantic relationships often feel like they have higher stakes, partially because as a culture we value intimate relationships more than platonic ones. That’s why there are a million resources out there about how to deal with a romantic breakup, but not nearly as many on dealing with friendship breakups, for example. So when things are tough in your romantic relationship, you might feel particularly distressed.

This is also because our romantic partners are often a major source of support in our lives, and a main part of our family. The idea of losing that support, whether it’s a possibility or just a worry, can be devastating. It can be tough to know where to start when you’re feeling like your relationship could be improved. 

First, decide what improving your relationship means to you. For some people, this will mean increased intimacy (physical or emotional), for others it might mean fewer disagreements. What would a “better” relationship look like for you? How would you like to feel in your relationship, and what is in the way of feeling that now? Taking some time to figure out what you want can help you decide how best to move forward. 

If you’re looking for suggestions for little ways to improve your relationship, here are 6 ways: 

Spend time away from each other

This might sound counterintuitive, but couples who don’t spend every minute together tend to be happier. When you spend all of your time together, you leave no room to miss one another. It’s also kind of boring - when you already know exactly how they spend all their time, what is there to talk about? Dedicated time apart can help you feel more excited to come together again and fill each other in on all the details of what you did while you weren’t together. 

Be present mentally when you’re together

It’s all too easy to end the day winding down on the couch, scrolling through your phone, especially as the days get shorter and colder. Even if you spend a lot of time together with your partner, how much of that time is spent being present mentally, and how much of that time is spent distracted? There’s always going to be something to look at online or on your phone, but there aren’t unlimited moments to connect with your partner. When you’re together, at least some of the time, try to make an effort to be present with each other. That means putting down your phones, making eye contact, and actively listening to each other. We promise, it’s worth it!

Stop trying to read each other's' minds

When you’ve been with someone a long time, you probably know pretty well how they think. However, that doesn’t mean that you can read their mind, or that they can read yours. There are lots of disagreements between couples that could be resolved with some direct communication, instead of making assumptions. If you’re not sure about something, ask! 

Make time to laugh together

When was the last time you and your partner had a really good laugh together? There’s a lot of tension and stress in the world, and that only tends to increase at the end of the year. Finding ways to bond over positive things can help you feel closer to one another. Making time to laugh together is also a great way to remind yourself that you love and enjoy spending time together. Watching a show or a comedy special that you both love can help get the laughter flowing and leave you feeling closer. 

Go to bed at the same time 

Life is busy, and it’s hard to find time to spend with your partner sometimes. Going to bed at the same time at night gives you an opportunity for some alone time every day. Take advantage of it! Also, everything seems better after a good night’s sleep, so getting some quality shut-eye can do a world of good when you’re just having one of those days. 

Notice the little things

When you’re in a routine with someone, it can be hard to break out of it. One way to keep things interesting in a relationship is to make an effort to notice the little things. Compliment your partner, acknowledge things they do, remember the things they say, and keep track of what’s important to them. Knowing that someone cares about all the little details of your life is a great feeling, and can lead to feeling closer to one another. 

If you’re looking for more ways to improve your relationship, couples therapy can give you a safe and compassionate space to explore and grow closer. Get in touch today to get started! 

Keeping Peace with Your Body During the Holiday Season

Happy December!

We’re now into the last month of 2021, can you believe it? And this month brings many opportunities for celebrations with it. From belated “friendsgiving” parties, various religious holiday celebrations, and New Year’s get-togethers, there is a lot of space for joy at the end of the year. But there’s also a lot of pressure and stress associated with this season! And one thing that people really struggle with is maintaining peace with their body and how it might change this season. 

Just like the world around us, we (and our bodies) go through seasons. 

Sometimes we’re active and energetic, sometimes we’re developing new skills and growing, and sometimes we’re finding ways to provide rest and rejuvenation to ourselves. 

In winter, with the cold weather and darker days, our bodies naturally produce more melatonin, and use up lots of energy staying warm. When that happens, we feel more tired, depleted, and basically like we want to stay cozied up in bed until springtime comes. (This is also what contributes to seasonal affective disorder.)

On top of this, usually in winter the weather is worse. It’s cold and unpredictable and harder to physically be out in. So we’re not walking to places we might walk to in better weather, outdoor hobbies like hiking or kayaking or various sports are on hold until spring. All of this adds up to us being naturally a little more sedentary in the winter. And that’s not a bad thing! 

Just like trees lose their leaves and pause their growth to preserve energy in the winter, we need periods of rest too. 

We don’t consider the tree lazy for falling asleep until spring, so why would our increased need for rest be a bad thing?

There are also social impacts to our bodies this season. While our energy and movement is lower than the rest of the year, it’s also a season of lots and lots of celebrations. And these celebrations are often heavily food-centered. Getting together for big meals, cookie exchanges, etc.–it’s hard to avoid food based parties this time of year. And, we also look forward to a lot of this food all year long! Of course we want to enjoy it. 

So if we’re needing to be more restful while also having more opportunities to enjoy food with loved ones, then naturally weight gain will be a common change we can see in our bodies this time of year. But, while all of these things may make sense, if you struggle with your body image, it can be an emotionally difficult time of year. If you find your relationship with your body image straining this time of year, here are four things to remind yourself of this season: 

Weight changes are morally neutral:

There are many things that contribute to changes in weight (both gain & loss) that have nothing to do with “calories in, calories out.” Things like your genetics, your environment, your socioeconomic status, sudden health or financial challenges, and your mental health. In fact weight changes happen to all of us all of the time. Most people do not stay at one weight the majority of their adult lives–as our circumstances change, so do our bodies. Weight changes don’t reflect any sort of moral failing or lack of self-discipline, they simply reflect a period of change. 

Food is not good or bad:

When people say food is “good” or “bad” usually what they mean is “healthy” or “unhealthy.” However, even this distinction is unhelpful and unintentionally harmful. We need some foods because they nourish our physical health and we need other foods because they nourish our emotional health. So much tradition and community and closeness can be passed down through food: the prepping of it and the cooking of it and the sharing of it. Those foods might not necessarily be “healthy” in the sense that they aren’t nutrient dense but they are healthy in the sense that they are something to enjoy and savor with loved ones, which nurtures our mental and emotional health. Instead of seeing food as “good” or “bad” foods, try to reframe these labels. Don’t ask if it’s good or bad or healthy or unhealthy, but if it’s physically nourishing or emotionally nourishing. 

There’s a motive to the messaging:

The fitness and diet culture industries are in full swing this time of year, knowing that we’ll be surrounded by opportunities to be cozy with full stomachs, happy & content with loved ones.  You’ll likely start to see messages about restricting your calorie intake or using the new year to shed the weight of any “guilty pleasure” foods you “indulged” in over the holiday. These messages might be framed as being for your health, but health is never so black and white. Instead, it’s a message intended to make you feel guilty about things completely natural to humans (enjoying food and living in a body that changes) so that they can make money selling you a “solution” to these “problems.” If it truly was about your health it would be individual, personalized care. No stranger on the internet or at a gym knows anything about your health or what influences it! 

You’re allowed to set boundaries:

Diet culture is so permeated in our culture, it’s hard to avoid it, especially diet talk. It’s so common, many people don’t even realize they’re doing it! Like your aunt who takes a cookie and talks about how she’s “naughty” for eating something she “shouldn’t.” These kinds of comments are so common, half the time we don’t even clock them as part of diet culture. But when you’re working on making and keeping peace with your body, these comments can be harmful and grating! It can be helpful to have a few phrases that politely but directly shut down that sort of talk around you like:

• “Let’s not talk about calories and just enjoy our time together.”

• “My body will tell me when I’m full, I don’t need to restrict myself.” 

• “We’ve all worked so hard on the food we brought to share, let’s not refer to it as ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’”

If you’re looking for support as you heal your relationship to your body, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

How to Gently Set Boundaries With Your Family

The holidays can be a fun time of year, but they can also be really stressful. This year more people are spending time with family than last year due to the pandemic, so if you’re feeling extra stressed at seeing family after a long separation you’re not alone. Families can be a great source of love and support, but there are always going to be interpersonal issues when you have a group of people. Complicated family dynamics can be a huge source of stress at the holidays, and setting boundaries with your family may help you navigate.

What are boundaries?

A boundary is something that is used to protect your mental, emotional and physical energy. People are sometimes offended when someone tries to set a boundary with them. That’s because boundaries are commonly misunderstood. Boundaries aren’t punishments or a precursor to a relationship ending. Boundaries simply help people protect their mental, emotional, and physical energy as much as possible.

You can set boundaries around anything that is important to you. Instead of driving people apart, boundaries often help people maintain their relationships with others (whether familial, platonic, or romantic) for the long-term. 

Boundaries help maintain long term connections with people. When you don’t have boundaries, you may find it harder to protect your energy and your mental health. Often, people with no boundaries find themselves giving to relationships far more than they get in return. Unbalanced relationships like these are a recipe for resentment, which isn’t good for any sort of relationship. Instead of getting to the point where you resent someone you care about, setting a boundary can help preserve that relationship. 

Why boundaries are needed at the holidays

Gathering with family is often more complicated in reality than in theory. Everyone has that relative who asks questions that are way too invasive, or who brings up an uncomfortable topic that changes the mood. After more than a year of isolating ourselves, lots of folks are traveling to see family in person for the first time in many months. While people have certainly missed their loved ones fiercely, it can be even tougher to psych yourself up mentally to deal with family drama after so much time away. 

Holidays are also full of food and drink. When people have some drinks, they might have a little less tact than they do fully sober, which can lead to misunderstandings or disagreements. The heightened emotions of getting together with loved ones after so long apart can also raise expectations to an impossible level, which can be intimidating or like you’re set up to fail. If you’re finding yourself worried about how you’ll cope during the holidays with your loved ones, setting some boundaries beforehand may help things go a lot smoother. 

Setting boundaries in advance gives your loved ones time to ask questions or adjust to what you’re asking. You can also potentially not have to set them face to face if you do it beforehand, which can be less nerve-wracking, especially if you historically have a hard time getting your family to listen to you. Sometimes typing out what you have to say in a text message or an email feels more doable than talking to someone you love face to face. Whichever way works for you is valid. 

It’s also important to note that you don’t have to set a boundary in advance for it to be valid. You can set a boundary at any time and expect it to be respected. However, setting boundaries in advance can help adjust everyone’s expectations accordingly. 

If you’re setting boundaries this holiday season, here are 4 ways to gently set boundaries with your family: 

Be as clear as possible

Brené Brown, who is a researcher on shame, vulnerability, and resilience, has a popular quote that says “Clear is kind.” When you have something to say to someone, being as clear as possible is the kindest way forward. Even if you have something tricky to say or something that you know they won’t want to hear, being as straightforward as you can may lead to fewer hurt feelings overall. 

It can be tempting to hedge, especially when you don’t want to disappoint or hurt the feelings of someone you love. Although it’s tempting, beating around the bush or adding in a “maybe” can lead to misunderstandings down the road. Being direct can help you avoid miscommunication or confusion about your boundaries. 

Be firm, but kind

Boundaries are important, and they should be taken seriously. When explaining your boundaries to people, be as kind as possible, but also let them know that your boundaries are firm and you’re not open to negotiating them. For example, let’s say you’re headed home for the holidays and you’re nervous that your family is going to talk about your body or what you’re eating. A boundary you can set is “I know you mean well, but please don’t comment on any changes in my body shape or on what I’m eating when we see each other. Even though you don’t mean it that way, it makes me feel bad about myself.”  

Lots of times, boundaries also come with a warning of what will happen if the boundary is crossed. In the example above, you could close by saying “I hope you can respect this boundary, or I will have to leave.” 

Enforce the boundary, even if it’s awkward

One of the toughest parts of setting boundaries is enforcing them. It can be so hard to stick with what you said you were going to do when a loved one is upset with you. Not sticking to your boundaries, though, can open up a whole new set of issues. Your family members might try to cross more boundaries to see what they can get away with, or they might not believe you when you try to set more boundaries in the future. Enforcing the boundary not only reinforces it, but it ends the interaction so you don’t have to keep feeling distressed. 

Even if it’s awkward to enforce your boundaries, sticking up for yourself can help improve your confidence. Enforcing your boundaries is like keeping a promise to yourself, and repeatedly keeping promises to yourself can be a powerful self-esteem booster. 

Be open to other people’s boundaries

Just as you would want people to respect your boundaries, you should also respect theirs. It’s actually very helpful to have people set boundaries with you, so you know how it feels on the other end of the conversation. Boundaries can be a strengthening force in relationships if we let them. 

If you’re looking for help deciding what your personal boundaries are, talking it over with a therapist can help. Our expert clinicians can help you set and enforce your boundaries so you can protect your energy.