How to Gently Set Boundaries With Your Family

The holidays can be a fun time of year, but they can also be really stressful. This year more people are spending time with family than last year due to the pandemic, so if you’re feeling extra stressed at seeing family after a long separation you’re not alone. Families can be a great source of love and support, but there are always going to be interpersonal issues when you have a group of people. Complicated family dynamics can be a huge source of stress at the holidays, and setting boundaries with your family may help you navigate.

What are boundaries?

A boundary is something that is used to protect your mental, emotional and physical energy. People are sometimes offended when someone tries to set a boundary with them. That’s because boundaries are commonly misunderstood. Boundaries aren’t punishments or a precursor to a relationship ending. Boundaries simply help people protect their mental, emotional, and physical energy as much as possible.

You can set boundaries around anything that is important to you. Instead of driving people apart, boundaries often help people maintain their relationships with others (whether familial, platonic, or romantic) for the long-term. 

Boundaries help maintain long term connections with people. When you don’t have boundaries, you may find it harder to protect your energy and your mental health. Often, people with no boundaries find themselves giving to relationships far more than they get in return. Unbalanced relationships like these are a recipe for resentment, which isn’t good for any sort of relationship. Instead of getting to the point where you resent someone you care about, setting a boundary can help preserve that relationship. 

Why boundaries are needed at the holidays

Gathering with family is often more complicated in reality than in theory. Everyone has that relative who asks questions that are way too invasive, or who brings up an uncomfortable topic that changes the mood. After more than a year of isolating ourselves, lots of folks are traveling to see family in person for the first time in many months. While people have certainly missed their loved ones fiercely, it can be even tougher to psych yourself up mentally to deal with family drama after so much time away. 

Holidays are also full of food and drink. When people have some drinks, they might have a little less tact than they do fully sober, which can lead to misunderstandings or disagreements. The heightened emotions of getting together with loved ones after so long apart can also raise expectations to an impossible level, which can be intimidating or like you’re set up to fail. If you’re finding yourself worried about how you’ll cope during the holidays with your loved ones, setting some boundaries beforehand may help things go a lot smoother. 

Setting boundaries in advance gives your loved ones time to ask questions or adjust to what you’re asking. You can also potentially not have to set them face to face if you do it beforehand, which can be less nerve-wracking, especially if you historically have a hard time getting your family to listen to you. Sometimes typing out what you have to say in a text message or an email feels more doable than talking to someone you love face to face. Whichever way works for you is valid. 

It’s also important to note that you don’t have to set a boundary in advance for it to be valid. You can set a boundary at any time and expect it to be respected. However, setting boundaries in advance can help adjust everyone’s expectations accordingly. 

If you’re setting boundaries this holiday season, here are 4 ways to gently set boundaries with your family: 

Be as clear as possible

Brené Brown, who is a researcher on shame, vulnerability, and resilience, has a popular quote that says “Clear is kind.” When you have something to say to someone, being as clear as possible is the kindest way forward. Even if you have something tricky to say or something that you know they won’t want to hear, being as straightforward as you can may lead to fewer hurt feelings overall. 

It can be tempting to hedge, especially when you don’t want to disappoint or hurt the feelings of someone you love. Although it’s tempting, beating around the bush or adding in a “maybe” can lead to misunderstandings down the road. Being direct can help you avoid miscommunication or confusion about your boundaries. 

Be firm, but kind

Boundaries are important, and they should be taken seriously. When explaining your boundaries to people, be as kind as possible, but also let them know that your boundaries are firm and you’re not open to negotiating them. For example, let’s say you’re headed home for the holidays and you’re nervous that your family is going to talk about your body or what you’re eating. A boundary you can set is “I know you mean well, but please don’t comment on any changes in my body shape or on what I’m eating when we see each other. Even though you don’t mean it that way, it makes me feel bad about myself.”  

Lots of times, boundaries also come with a warning of what will happen if the boundary is crossed. In the example above, you could close by saying “I hope you can respect this boundary, or I will have to leave.” 

Enforce the boundary, even if it’s awkward

One of the toughest parts of setting boundaries is enforcing them. It can be so hard to stick with what you said you were going to do when a loved one is upset with you. Not sticking to your boundaries, though, can open up a whole new set of issues. Your family members might try to cross more boundaries to see what they can get away with, or they might not believe you when you try to set more boundaries in the future. Enforcing the boundary not only reinforces it, but it ends the interaction so you don’t have to keep feeling distressed. 

Even if it’s awkward to enforce your boundaries, sticking up for yourself can help improve your confidence. Enforcing your boundaries is like keeping a promise to yourself, and repeatedly keeping promises to yourself can be a powerful self-esteem booster. 

Be open to other people’s boundaries

Just as you would want people to respect your boundaries, you should also respect theirs. It’s actually very helpful to have people set boundaries with you, so you know how it feels on the other end of the conversation. Boundaries can be a strengthening force in relationships if we let them. 

If you’re looking for help deciding what your personal boundaries are, talking it over with a therapist can help. Our expert clinicians can help you set and enforce your boundaries so you can protect your energy. 

How to Tell if You’re in a Codependent Relationship

How to Tell if You’re in a Codependent Relationship

As a culture, we tend to romanticize giving our all in romantic relationships. However, there is a fine line between being a devoted partner and being a codependent one. In psychology, the idea of codependency is often associated with substance use, but anyone can be in a codependent relationship. 

What does codependent mean? 

Being codependent is not a mental illness, and you can’t be officially diagnosed as codependent. Rather, codependency is a pattern of behavior, one that often arises from low self-esteem and the need to protect oneself. 

Codependency is also a relational trait - you may have one codependent relationship, but other relationships where you’re not codependent.  You can be predisposed to be codependent, but if you’re codependent in one relationship it doesn’t mean you’ll be that way forever.  It’s not necessarily all or nothing - depending on context your level of codependence may change. 

In fact, some people even refer to codependency as “relationship addiction”, suggesting that codependent people are dependent on these unhealthy relationships for their sense of self-worth. 

Healthy relationships are mutual. Both parties can depend on one another equally and offer each other love and support. Codependent relationships, on the other hand, are one-sided. One partner gives more love and support than the other, who often gives little or nothing in return. Someone who is in a codependent relationship might feel that they have to do whatever it takes to please their partner, even if it means sacrificing their own needs. 

Is it a problem to be codependent? 

Just because two people rely on each other doesn’t mean that it’s always a problem. Some people are happy with the relationships they have. Every close relationship isn’t a codependent one. The closeness needs to be mutual though, so one partner isn’t doing all the giving and the other isn’t doing all the taking. Healthy relationships aren’t one-sided. 

The problem comes when one partner is taking advantage of the other. This can happen in a number of ways - emotionally, financially, sexually. Codependency is problematic when it leads to a person defining themselves by their partner and trying to control the relationship. 

What are signs of codependence? 

Codependence can be tricky because it’s not always conscious on the part of both partners. You both may have the best of intentions, but sliding into codependence can turn a healthy relationship into an unhealthy one. An example of this is feeling responsible for the other person’s feelings. It might seem like it’s coming from a good place, but it’s really a way to exert control to get their love. If you can control how they feel at all times, you know they’ll always feel loving towards you. However, that takes away from their agency as a person - they’re allowed to have their own feelings, even if they’re not the ones you want them to have. 

Even if neither one of you is aware of how your behavior affects the other, you both may still be contributing to the level of codependence in the relationship. If any of the following feels familiar to you, you may want to learn more about codependency or talk about it with a therapist.

• You’re a people pleaser

• You’ve always felt like you need the approval of others 

• You feel like you have to make excuses for the other person’s behavior

• The other person’s happiness feels more important than yours 

• You feel responsible for the other person’s feelings 

• You have a history of helping that is really enabling

• You feel like you no longer have a sense of identity outside the relationship

• You have a history of being a caretaker

• You have low self worth

• You have a hard time saying no or setting boundaries

• You find it hard to trust yourself and others

• You have a history of avoiding conflict

• You are afraid of being rejected or abandoned

• You feel taken advantage of 

What are some ways I can work toward being less codependent? 

The first step toward becoming less codependent in a relationship is to recognize that the codependence is there. You can’t change anything if you don’t know it exists. Take some time to notice your behavior and your partner’s behavior for a while. Maybe keep track in a journal and note times when you put your needs last. 

Codependence is also associated with low self-worth. Working on increasing your sense of self-worth can go a long way toward making you feel like your needs matter in relationships. When you take care of yourself first, you teach yourself that you’re your first priority. It will take time to undo the lifetime of feeling like you have to put yourself last, but it gets easier with practice. 

If you’re concerned that you’re in a relationship that’s become codependent, working with a therapist can help you find ways to begin prioritizing your own needs again. Get in touch with our office today to start working with one of our therapists. 

What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t

What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t

How do you feel about forgiveness? We’ve all been hurt by someone. People are all different, and so what is hurtful to them will also differ from person to person. We tend to see forgiveness as a one-off event, but it’s actually a process that can bring up complex emotions. 

What forgiveness is 

Forgiveness might mean different things to different people, but in general it is “a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve it”, according to UC Berkeley. 

Being upset and hurt isn’t a great feeling. One way that some people relieve those feelings is to practice forgiveness. The act of forgiving someone who hurt you may come with benefits. Some people who practice forgiveness find that it helps to lower feelings of anxiety and hostility, healthier relationships, and improved self-esteem. Certain folks may find that forgiving is helpful to their healing, and others might find that it doesn’t make much of a difference. 

When you’re upset, it’s tempting to ruminate on the negative feelings like anger, betrayal, confusion, and sadness. Some people find that the process of forgiveness can help relieve those negative feelings and allow you to focus on more positive things. 

Forgiveness is a process

It’s unlikely that you’ll go from being resentful toward someone to forgiving them all at once. Part of forgiveness is working through the feelings of hurt and resentment that you feel, and that takes time. You may find that things you thought you had moved past still cause distress for you, and the process may seem to go backwards. If that happens, there’s nothing wrong with you. Forgiveness takes time and work and you don’t have to go any faster than you’re ready for. 

Forgiveness is hard

Forgiveness is an emotionally charged concept. We have a lot of preconceived notions about what forgiveness is, but these aren’t always true. It can bring up some uncomfortable feelings or memories, and it may make you feel anxious or depressed when you think about it. It may be helpful to journal about what forgiveness brings up for you so you can start to make sense of patterns and beliefs, and get more familiar with the messages your emotions are sending to you. 

Forgiveness is personal

Forgiving someone is a personal choice that you make yourself. Sometimes, other people may pressure you to forgive someone, but that is not their choice to make. Forgiving someone for hurting you involves a lot of tricky, emotional work, and only the person doing that work can make that choice. 

Forgiveness is for you, not them 

Forgiveness is about the person doing the forgiving, not the person being forgiven. Forgiveness can be an opportunity to release the hurt you’ve been carrying and move forward. It’s hard to be in pain. It’s uncomfortable, and feeling consumed with negative thoughts and feelings is tiring. Forgiving others can be a chance to move past the hurt and toward a sense of peace. 

What forgiveness isn’t

Forgiveness is a lot of things, but it’s also important to remember what it is not. Here are some things to keep in mind about forgiving: 

Forgiveness is not forgetting 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to forget what happened. When you forgive someone, you are choosing to release your feelings of hurt or resentment, but that doesn’t have to wipe your memory clean. It’s okay to remember that you were hurt, and keep it in mind when interacting with this person. Remember, forgiving just means that you release your feelings of resentment - not that you pretend it never happened. 

Forgiveness is not approval

Similarly, forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was okay. Approval has nothing to do with forgiveness. You can forgive someone and know that what they did was not okay. You may be able to have empathy for where they were coming from, or understand that everyone makes mistakes, but you don’t have to approve of what happened. 

Forgiveness is not trust

Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to trust them again. Trust is something that is built and maintained between two people. It’s certainly possible to rebuild trust with someone, but both parties need to be on board. It’s okay to choose not to trust someone who has harmed you. It’s okay to wait until they’ve shown you they’ve changed or that they are committed to rebuilding your relationship before you even put trust on the table. Take it at your pace.

Forgiveness is not passive

Forgiveness takes work. Some hurts heal with time, but most of the time, we have to work through them. Forgiveness requires us to honestly reflect on the ways in which we were harmed, and that can be difficult or even traumatic. If you find that you’re having a hard time with the idea of forgiveness, you may find that talking about it with a therapist can help give you new perspective. Therapy is a safe place to explore the ins and outs of what happened, how it affected you, how the other person has tried to repair things, and where to go next.

Forgiveness is not required

It’s also important to note that forgiveness is not required. It’s helpful to understand what forgiveness is and isn’t so that you can make an informed decision about whether forgiveness is the right choice for you. You are under no obligation to forgive someone who harmed you, even if people tell you otherwise. Forgiving someone doesn’t make you a better person or magically heal you. It can make you feel less resentful and give you some closure, but that’s not the case for everyone. 

A therapist can help you decide if forgiveness is right for you and your situation and help you process your feelings about this process. If you’re interested in talking to someone, contact us today. 

4 Tips for Dealing With a Friend Breakup

4 Tips for Dealing With a Friend Breakup

Breaking up is hard. When we think of breakups, we often think of the end of a romantic relationship, but any kind of relationship can end. Ending friendships, or friend breakups, is especially hard, no matter which side of the breakup you’re on. Some people feel that breaking up with a close friend is actually worse than breaking up with a romantic partner. Either way, a breakup is a breakup, and it’s normal to feel pain and confusion after a relationship of any kind ends. The end of a friendship means the end of an era- no more trust, no more intimacy, no more fun. Coming to terms with this change can be really difficult. 

We have a lot of cultural messages telling us that friendship is supposed to be for life (“Best friends forever!”), so it can be a great source of shame to lose a friendship. Losing friends is also tough because it can majorly change your support network. When a romantic relationship ends, we usually count on the support and encouragement of our loved ones, like our friends and family. After a friend breakup, turning to that friend is no longer an option, which can be really hard to grapple with.

Why do friendships end? 

Friendships are like any kind of relationship - they are all unique. Some are situational, like when you work with someone. If you’ve ever left a job, you know that sometimes you don’t stay as close to your former coworkers as you did when you worked together. Some friendships come from being in the same school or town, and once one of you is no longer local the friendship fizzles. Some friendships fade away and some end with a disagreement or conflict. No matter how your friendship ended, it’s hard. Adjusting to the fact that you can’t rely on that person the way you once did takes work and time. It might be hard to open yourself up to a close friend for a while, and that’s okay. It’s a big adjustment, and it’s okay to follow whatever timeline you need. 

If you’re struggling with a friendship breakup, know that you’re not alone. So many people have been through this kind of pain, and whatever reaction you’re having is valid.

Here are some of our top tips for dealing with a friend breakup:

Update your social media settings

If you’ve gone through a friend breakup, you might even find it hard to deal with years after the fact. Friends are such an integral part of our lives that it can be tough to remove someone completely. You might still see old pictures of them around, you might be reminded of a trip you took or an inside joke you used to have with them. Social media websites might constantly bombard you with memories of years past, which can be really heartbreaking post-friend breakup. You can turn off that feature on many social sites, so if you’re in the midst of a friend breakup you might want to protect yourself that way. You can always revisit it once the pain isn’t as fresh. 

Focus on what you learned in the relationship 

Every relationship teaches us something. Some relationships teach us how to communicate, how to value ourselves, how to set boundaries, how to love someone, and some even teach us how relationships end. This might be hard at first, but focus on the good parts of what you learned from each other. Relationships aren’t failures because they end. All relationships end at some point, and it’s okay. Learning how to process and move forward from the end of a relationship is an important skill. 

Talk about it

One of the reasons why losing a friend is so hard is because there’s a sense of shame associated with it. When your BFF is no longer your forever friend, you might feel unworthy, rejected, or confused. This is because so many people keep their friendship breakups to themselves. It’s okay to talk about it and explore your feelings with the rest of your support network. Talking about it with a therapist can help you make sense of your emotions. When more people talk about the struggles they have with something, it can help us all feel less alone. 

Forgive yourself

In the aftermath of this relationship ending, you might be searching for reasons why. You might be blaming yourself for the things you did or didn’t do. You might be wondering what’s wrong with you. It’s okay to acknowledge that you played a role in the friendship ending. However, you don’t need to keep beating yourself up about it. You’re a human. You’re allowed to make mistakes. You’re also allowed to forgive yourself for those mistakes. That doesn’t mean you are going to do it again or that you haven’t learned. Forgiveness is a gift you can give yourself so you don’t feel the need to ruminate on what went wrong between you. Acknowledge what happened, admit you did the best you could at the time, and tell yourself “I forgive you.” 

Losing a friend so hard. If you’re dealing with the loss of a friendship that was important to you, know that there’s nothing wrong with you and you will get through this. Talking about it in therapy can help you come to terms with the loss and cope with your reaction in a more personalized way.

If you’re looking for support with the loss of a friendship, our clinicians are here for you. 

5 Reasons You Might Consider Ending a Friendship

5 Reasons You Might Consider Ending a Friendship

Friendship is a special kind of relationship. Friendships often transcend romantic or familial relationships. Our friends may know the most intimate versions of ourselves, and that kind of intimacy is special. We often hear phrases like “friends forever!” and assume that it’s true- and for many friends, it is. However, lifelong friendships aren’t the only friendships that are worth having. Some friendships are based on proximity or common interests, and those things can change over time. It can be a source of great shame to have a string of former friendships in your past, but it’s actually very normal. There are all sorts of reasons that friendships end, but ending a friendship is a very hard choice to make. If you’re considering ending a friendship, know that it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re allowed to voice your needs and you’re allowed to draw your own boundaries. The most important thing is to continue treating people kindly and with respect. 

When we think about breakups, we tend to think of romantic relationships. However, you can break up with friends too. There are a lot more resources out there for dealing with the end of a romantic relationship than the end of a friendship, which can make it hard to cope in the aftermath. Some friendships end with a mutual decision, some end with a disagreement, and some just sort of fade out. Each type of ending can be painful in its own way, even if you’re the one who ended the friendship. 

Ending a relationship of any kind is never easy. As humans, we are wired for connection, so it can be confusing and painful to end a connection that was special to you. Sometimes, ending a friendship will come after having conversations with each other about boundaries or expectations. You might feel better if you approach them with a conversation first instead of just ending things right there. There might also be situations where you feel better ending the friendship without talking about it first. Whatever way works for you and your situation, know that it is okay to feel a bunch of conflicting feelings about ending a friendship. You might feel relieved to not have to deal with them anymore. You might feel sad remembering the good times you had together. You might be angry at the way they treated you. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. 

Here are a few reasons why you might consider ending a friendship: 

You feel worse after you spend time with them

How do you feel after you spend time with this friend? Do they leave you feeling rejuvenated and calm, or tense and upset? We all have bad days, but if this person regularly leaves you feeling hurt or disrespected, it might be time to have a serious conversation about how they treat you. You are allowed to have expectations for the way people treat you and if people can’t meet them, you don’t owe them a relationship.  

You no longer work together or live near one another

Many friendships are proximity-based. Think about friends from high school or college, or different jobs that you’ve had. After you leave that common space, you don’t always stay close. That doesn’t mean that the friendship wasn’t meaningful to you or important, it just means that when you no longer have things in common, the friendship might naturally fade. We all have different resources available to us, and you might not have the capacity to manage all of your friendships all of the time. It’s natural to sometimes let relationships go. 

They violated a boundary or your trust

If someone has violated your sense of trust, it can be hard to stay in friendship with them. Friendships are intimate relationships, which thrive off of trust. When that is broken, it can be difficult to stay close to one another unless you both commit to doing some serious communicating. That might not be what you want to do, and that’s okay. Trust is a basic tenent of many relationships, and its okay to end a friendship when you no longer feel that trust. 

You feel taken advantage of

Do you contribute equally to the relationship, or is your friend always asking you for favors but never reciprocating? All relationships have some give and take, but over time it tends to even out. Are you always the one initiating plans? Do they only contact you when they need something from you? If you only hear from someone when they can get something from you, it’s natural to feel frustrated and resentful after a while. Friendship is supposed to be mutual, so if you’re doing all the work, it might be time to end things. 

Your interests change

Lots of friendships start around a common interest, like hiking or games. Our interests often change over time, especially when we have new experiences. Sometimes, what interests you no longer does and you move on. It might be painful to leave people behind, but as your interests grow so will your potential pool of new friends. 

Ending a friendship is a hard and personal decision. What is right for one friendship might be totally wrong for another. If you’re considering ending a friendship, know that it doesn’t make you a bad person. Our needs change over time, including the needs we have in relationships. Friendships take work and trust, and sometimes that’s just not possible or practical.

If you’re looking for support as you decide to end a friendship, therapy can be a great place to cope with the loss of an important relationship in your life. 

6 Journaling Prompts to Help You Examine Your Relationships

It is a strange and scary time right now. 

With the spread of COVID-19 many of us are worried for our own health, worried for the health of loved ones, and we’re all facing a huge shift in our daily lives. Whether it’s due to increased professional stress (both increased work for essential workers, and loss of work for non-essential folks), health stress, or personal stress from self-quarantining–we’re all facing big life changes now. 

And while it can definitely be frightening and overwhelming, this can also be a time to do some self reflection. Taking care of ourselves is more important now than ever, and that includes our mental and social wellbeing. 

Along with making sure we’re giving ourselves lots of good foods, rest, and following social distancing guidelines, we should make time to check in with the status and health of our various relationships. 

It might seem odd–since social distancing is restricting our capabilities to be social in many ways (though not completely!)–to focus on relationships right now. But the distancing can actually help to provide us with new, useful and interesting insights to our own needs. 

Often we take our social lives and relationships for granted, and this new space and distance between all of us can help to shed some light on what types of relationships bring us comfort, which relationships are reciprocal, which are fulfilling–and which are not. 

That’s why today I’ve put together a list of journaling prompts for you to use to examine your relationships while in self-quarantine. 

Prompt: “I feel most seen + loved when…”

Knowing what makes us feel loved the most is the first step in cultivating relationships that provide those things. When we explore what makes us feel seen, known, and loved, we are giving ourselves permission to acknowledge our own needs. And then, with that acknowledgement, and the knowledge of what makes us feel the most loved, we can then share that information with our loved ones. Even if it feels silly (ex.: “I like it when you text me X times a day”) it’s important to recognize and share what makes you feel loved! Knowing and sharing your favorite ways to be loved gives the people in your life (friends, family, partners) the opportunity to express their love for you in a way that will mean the most to you. 

Prompt: “My relationships provide….”

This is a good prompt to examine the overall health of your relationships. Take a look at the significant relationships in your life (partners, close friends, etc.) What do those relationships provide? Is it support? Love? Advice? Joy? If you can’t figure out what positive things are being provided within your relationships, it may be time to examine whether that relationship has run its course. If a friendship only provides you and the friend a space to come together and gossip or talk negatively about yourselves and others, it may be time to let the friendship go. 

It also helps to examine what it is you actually want your relationships to provide. What are the needs you can meet on your own, and what are the needs you need help from others meeting? Use this as a guiding principle when forming new or evaluating existing relationships.

Prompt: “Conversations with [name] make me feel…”

Think about the most significant relationships in your life currently. Are they providing what you need? Do they make you feel supported? Imagine you just had dinner with them. What are you feeling after that dinner? Refreshed? Happy? Supported? Or are you drained? Frustrated? Tense? Taking time to examine the feelings we get after interacting with the different people in our lives helps us to determine which relationships in our lives are healthy, and which are not. 

Prompt: “I feel drained in relationships that…”

What is it that drains you in a relationship? Think back to a relationship (romantic or platonic) that has left you feeling burned out or drained. What was it about that relationship that made you feel that way? Were boundaries crossed or ignored? Was there constant negative talk? Did you feel like you couldn’t be your true self?

Prompt: “I feel tense when thinking about my relationship with….”

Is there a relationship in your life that needs your attention? Identifying which relationships leave you feeling tense can help you work out exactly what it is that makes you feel tense within those relationships. And knowing what triggers that feeling in your relationships helps inform you what you should be looking out for when forming new relationships–and what to address with those people who do leave you feeling drained. 

Prompt: “I feel relieved & supported when thinking about my relationship with…”

On the flip side of the last prompt, it’s equally important to learn which relationships make us feel our best. It can help teach you which “green flags” to look out for when making new relationships, and which needs to express in other relationships that may need some attention. 

Prompt: “I feel like the best version of myself with…” or “I’m comfortable being vulnerable with…”

What are the conditions within relationships that allow you to feel comfortable being your truest, or best self? What conditions allow you to feel comfortable being vulnerable? Feeling comfortable being vulnerable is a major part of healthy relationships, so figuring out exactly what helps you to feel like that will help you replicate that in other relationships, and will let you know what to look out for (and what to avoid) as you form new relationships. 

You may have noticed that many of these journal prompts, while about relationship reflection, actually took the form of self reflection. That’s because, in order to thrive in relationships, we first need to learn about ourselves. When we know our needs, wants, and deal breakers, we are able to show up 100% in our relationships. And when we are able to show up fully, we are able to make the most of the relationships in our lives. 

If you need some extra support in figuring out how to start your journey of self care and self reflection, we can help. Contact us today! 

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Why Conflict In Your Relationship Can Be A Good Thing

How do you handle conflict with your partner? 

Every relationship deals with conflict at some point or another. Both parties might not always be aware of the conflict, but conflict is there all the same. It seems wild that conflict can actually have a positive effect on a relationship, but in truth, conflict is an opportunity.  

Have you ever been upset with someone, and kept it to yourself, for whatever reason? It probably makes sense in your head - getting your feelings out in the open might hurt the other person’s feelings, leading to a conflict that you don’t feel emotionally or physically prepared for. Avoiding conflict then seems to make sense. Instead of rocking the boat and saying how you really feel, you can just keep it all inside and hope it goes away. 

That doesn’t sound like a great plan, does it? Avoiding conflict by burying your feelings isn’t actually helpful long term. Constantly swallowing your feelings for the sake of the other person is a recipe for resentment after a while. Resentment is really an emotional distance between you and your partner, so avoiding conflict for the sake of the relationship is counterintuitive, anyway. The tradeoff is basically this: have an awkward, uncomfortable, probably emotional conversation or keep it to yourself and create distance in the relationship. It’s up to you to decide if the relationship is worth the conflict to you. 

Sometimes, the conflict won’t be worth it. There’s the old saying about knowing when to pick your battles, and it applies to relationships, too. Not everything is worth an argument, but make sure you’re choosing to avoid an argument for the right reasons, instead of just to avoid the conflict. 

Conflict is inevitable, and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, conflict can just be a sign that there is a need for more communication. Here are some of the reasons why conflict is actually a good thing in relationships: 

Conflict leads to change

Instead of framing conflict as a fight with your partner, think about it as a tool to facilitate change in your relationship. Nothing can stay the same forever, and when you and your partner butt heads, it’s probably a sign that something needs to change. It’s a great opportunity to open up the lines of communication and see what can be improved. 

 Conflict can let you feel closer to your partner

Instead of a “me versus you” mentality, think about it as “us versus the problem”. It can feel really liberating to communicate freely with your partner, even when you know it might lead to conflict, especially if you know that conflict isn’t the end of a relationship. When you feel seen and heard by your partner, you may start to feel closer to them. 

Get to know your partner better 

One key to successful conflict is empathy. If you can empathize with your partner and try to see where they’re coming from, it might be easier to see why they do and say the things they do. Conflict also lets you see if you and your partner draw the same conclusions about a situation. Remember, just because you think it or feel it, doesn’t mean it’s true.  You might think you know the root cause of their behavior, but the truth might surprise you. 

Conflict tells us what’s really important to us

What gets you upset? That’s a quick way to figure out what’s important to you. You’ll probably have to do some self-reflection on this, but when you are in conflict with someone, try to get to the root cause. Are you mad that your partner bailed on your plans? Or are you worried they don’t value spending time with you? See if you can investigate your feelings to find out what the cause of your upset is.  

Conflict lets you practice communication

One thing that is pretty universal is that we’re not as good at communicating as we think we are. A lot of times, we expect people to read our minds somehow instead of being up front about what we need. When you experience conflict with a partner, it’s a chance to level up your communication. You can figure out how to make each other feel seen, how to apologize to and comfort one another, and you can figure out the nuances of each communication style. Once you figure out how to effectively communicate with your partner, you will probably feel safer talking to them about serious or emotional topics. 

Are you ready to experience successful conflict with your partner? Get in touch with us today to find support as you and your partner go on this journey together. 

therapists in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

How to Figure Out What You Want in a Partner

From the outside, it seems as if dating today should be easier than ever. 

With various apps and online dating services, you don’t even have to leave your couch to meet someone new! But while that can be a great thing (for busy people, people who’ve just moved to town, those just starting to get comfortable putting themselves out there, etc) it also creates its own very specific set of dating difficulties. 

While on the one hand they are convenient and easy and somewhat more comfortable than going out to meet people, dating apps can also get us stuck in this online shopping mindset. You’re browsing and you see something you think you might like, but you’re not super sure, so you pop it in your cart to decide on it later. Dating apps can be a little like that. Where instead of using them as a quick and easy introduction to people you really think you’ll click with, you start collecting matches even if you know they aren’t right for you. And there are a lot of reasons people do this, but the big two seem to be: 

1. You’re not sure what you want! It seems easier at the time to collect a bunch of “maybes” and see if any of them work out. 

2. It feels like validation. It’s nice to get that notification that says you have a new match. It’s nice to feel desired, even if there isn’t any true potential there. 

But collecting these maybes doesn’t actually get you closer to finding a genuine connection that is right for you. Instead, it gets you stuck in a cycle where you’re swiping mindlessly, just looking for the relief of that “it’s a match!” notification. 

And mindless dating won’t actually help you address your needs. 

You might be lonely, and feel that any sort of dating is better than none at all. But when you have those incompatible connections with people, your loneliness isn’t actually being addressed. It’s more like you’ve thrown a bandaid over an open wound. You don’t have to think about it for a while, but as soon as the bandaid wears out, you’re right back to where you started. 

(Of course dating isn’t the only way to manage loneliness–and often it’s better to try to meet that need with something other than dating as well. Finding fulfillment on your own by taking a class, joining a club, getting involved in your community, etc. can help you feel less lonely and “desperate” when entering the dating scene.) 

A key part of dating mindfully is knowing what you’re looking for in a partner. 

Easier said than done. In fact, it takes a lot of work to figure out what your needs are, what needs can reasonably be met by a partner, and exactly how to look for the right people to meet those needs. 

So how can you start figuring out what you’re looking for in a partner?

Self reflection: 

This one will probably be the most uncomfortable of the tips, which is why I’m starting with it. When you’re trying to work out what you want and need in a partner, think back to relationships that haven’t worked out in the past. These don’t even have to be romantic relationships, they can be friendships too. Ask yourself: why didn’t the relationship work? Which of our qualities were incompatible? Did our values clash? Was there a warning sign regarding our clashing values or incompatible qualities that I can now see in hindsight? 

Be truthful but gentle with yourself. The purpose of this exercise is not to punish you for relationships that haven’t worked out–everyone has relationships that end! And it’s not to make a list of all the things you “did wrong.” It’s simply an exercise you can use to look back and reflect, and take the useful information you get from it and move forward.

Decide on your deal breakers: 

(And don’t ignore them!) Are politics important to you? Do you only want to date someone interested in marriage? Are you only interested in monogamy? (Or, are you only interested in dating someone who is okay with non-monogamy?) 

Figure out what your personal relationship deal breakers are, and keep them in mind as you start dating. Then, when you come across them, even though it might feel disappointing, remind yourself that taking care of your own needs needs to be your priority, and move along. Chances are if the person isn’t right for you, then you aren’t right for them, and it’s better to part anyway. 

Fantasize a bit: 

Imagine yourself in a relationship: what needs is that relationship filling? Determine what it is a relationship will (ideally) be providing for you, and only date people whose relationship goals align with that. Think of how you want your partner to make you feel: write a list! And refer back to it as you date. Are you getting these feelings? Or are you waiting around until maybe it gets better?

Settle it with a few lists: 

It might seem oddly formal for something like dating, but taking the time to journal and write out these dating lists can be really helpful. Not only can it help you explore yourself and your needs, but it can help keep you on track as you search for fulfilling connections. Make one for non-negotiables (dealbreakers) one “nice to haves” (things you want in a partner, but are flexible from person to person), and one for shared values you want to see in your relationship. 

These exercises are all great, but should be paired with a more mindful style of dating. What does that mean? 

It means: accepting that not everyone has what you want or need (and that you won’t have what everyone else wants or needs all the time too.) It can feel discouraging, but recognizing when someone isn’t right for you isn’t a rejection. It’s accepting that your needs and values just aren’t compatible. Give yourself that acceptance and give yourself permission to move on. You won’t get what you want from a partner by trying to force it onto someone who isn’t what you’re looking for in the first place. 

It also means being clear and intentional as you go about dating. So, on dating apps, be honest about what you’re looking for! (Keep in mind, your profile should say more about you and what you’re looking for, and not be a checklist for potential partners to go through and see if they fit. You aren’t ordering a custom made partner.) Highlight the values you’re looking for, the type of relationship you see yourself happiest in, and the people who’s vision match with yours will fall into place. 

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

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How to Cope With Losing Relationships as a Result of Your Chronic Illness

Many people don’t understand what it’s like to be seriously ill. People often also don’t know what to do when someone is sick. If you’ve ever dealt with a loss in your life you might be familiar with this. Some people don’t know what to say or do, so instead of saying the ‘wrong’ thing, they disappear until the crisis is over. It’s not a nice thing to do, certainly, but it is a human reaction to discomfort. Unfortunately, for folks living with chronic illness, this experience is all too familiar. With chronic illness however, there is no end in sight, and because of that some relationships just don’t survive. 

What is chronic illness in the first place? 

According to the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC), “Chronic diseases are defined broadly as conditions that last 1 year or more and require ongoing medical attention or limit activities of daily living or both. Chronic diseases such as heart disease, cancer, and diabetes are the leading causes of death and disability in the United States.”

What’s important to remember is that this is NOT your fault. Your illness doesn’t make you any less worthy of friendship and support in your life. A chronic illness diagnosis can bring up a lot of different feelings at once: worry, shame, relief, fear, exhaustion, and confusion are just a few. It’s hard enough to wrap your head around your diagnosis and how that will change your life without blaming yourself for your illness. 

The sad truth is, most people don’t know what it’s like to live with a chronic illness. Even though it shouldn’t fall on the ill person to explain things, you may find yourself going over the details over your illness repeatedly to clear up the confusion. That alone can be exhausting. Some people also don’t understand how isolating illness can be. Even though it’s not okay to treat people differently after their diagnosis, it’s a common response. However, there are ways to deal with changing relationships as a result of your chronic illness. 

Set boundaries

Boundaries are basically when you tell people what you expect from them. When you talk to someone about your illness and their response to it, go into the conversation with a few boundaries in mind. Let them know what you expect of them in this situation since as we mentioned above, most people have no idea what to do when someone is seriously ill. You can make it clear that you expect them to visit you regularly, that you’d like regular time to spend together, that you are available or unavailable to talk about your illness and anything else that will help you feel supported. Sometimes people just need direction and they can adjust their behavior accordingly. 

Speak up

When someone hurts you, tell them. Most people don’t understand how their actions look or feel to others. Maybe your friend didn’t know what to say, so instead of saying the wrong thing, they figured they’d get out of your way until they knew. If this (or something like it) happens in your life, call it out! Sometimes being reminded of the way our actions impact others can be enough of a wake-up call to act differently. If you bring up your concerns and feelings

Write them a letter

Even if you never send it, it can be really cathartic to write a letter to someone who has hurt you. You can process your feelings, go over what you’d like to say, and set the record straight to the best of your ability. You can send it or not, but sometimes just the act of writing down your feelings can be eye-opening. 

Learn about grief

Grief isn’t just for death. You can grieve any type of loss - including the loss of the life you had before your diagnosis. When you lose friendships as a result of your illness, you also experience grief. Grief is universal - at some point, everyone will feel it. Do some reading about grief to familiarize yourself with the grieving process so you know what to expect. Remember to be gentle with yourself and that there’s no wrong way to grieve. 

A chronic illness diagnosis can be totally life changing, and not just from a medical perspective. Since chronic illness is longer term than acute illness, it tends to ripple out and effect even more of people’s everyday lives, including their relationships. If you find your relationships changing as a result of your chronic illness, remember to be gentle with yourself - none of this is your fault. If you need more support in coping with these changing relationships, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help.  

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therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionatecare to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

7 Ways to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship

One of the hardest parts of being in a relationship with someone else is figuring out how to talk to them about serious stuff. Relationships can be complicated for many reasons, but sometimes a barrier between partners is that they don’t know how to effectively communicate with each other. Many of us didn’t grow up with positive models of relationships to look up to, so you may feel like you have no chance to catch up at this point. Luckily, that isn’t true! You can figure out ways to communicate with your partner that work in your relationship, even if healthy communication is completely new to you. 

Communication is an essential part of any relationship. It is intimidating to try to talk about vulnerable things with anyone, especially with someone you have strong feelings for. It might feel odd to try a different communication style with your partner, but keep an open mind, and remember you can always switch it up if it isn’t working for you both. 

Try these tips to communicate more effectively with your partner: 

Learn how you both prefer to communicate

The idea of love languages was developed by Dr. Gary Chapman to explain the differences in how people show love. There are five main love languages (words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, acts of service) in Dr. Chapman’s model, and the idea behind it is that everyone has a different way they prefer to show and receive love. If you and your partner have a difficult time showing each other love, it might just be that you have different approaches to how you like to be loved. Similarly, you can look at personality tests like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test, or the Enneagram to pick up on some themes in how you relate to other people. If you dig in and do a little research on the ways you communicate and behave differently, you can then focus on how to communicate together. 

Practice listening

Listening sounds like a fairly easy concept, right? However, the way you listen actually matters when talking to your partner. When you’re communicating with someone, it can be easy to get caught up in what you’re going to say next, or to respond to what they’re saying before they’re finished. This is called listening to respond. However, instead of listening to respond, try to listen to understand instead. Put aside any thoughts of how you will respond, or things you want to say, and focus on what your partner is actually saying. 

Don’t Interrupt

One way to shut down a conversation is to jump in and cut off your partner while they’re talking. Instead of listening to understand, interrupting shows that you aren’t interested in what they’re saying and that what you have to say is more important, which is probably not the impression you want to give. 

Stay Present

One way to shut down communication is to hide behind a screen instead of paying attention to your partner. If you’re having a face to face conversation, put your devices to the side and stay present in the discussion. This shows your partner that talking to them is important to you. In addition to screens and other kinds of tech, clear your area of any other distractions. Turn off the TV, take out your headphones, put aside your book, pause the music. 

Talk about positive things too

Make sure you talk to your partner about positive things along with the negative! Make sure to ask your partner about positive things from their day. Keep a list of things you love about your partner, and try to work them into your conversations naturally. Find ways to show you see them and care for them. 

Use “I” Statements

Instead of framing your discussion as something about them, focus on using “I” statements. Don’t start a statement with “You”, start with “I”, and then describe how you feel. For example, instead of saying “You never make time for me anymore,” say “I feel like we aren’t spending as much time together as we used to.” Framing the conversation this way can help your partner feel less defensive and more open to hearing what you actually say, instead of trying to stick up for themselves. 

Think about your body language

When you talk to your partner, what is your posture like? Are your arms crossed? Are you facing each other, or looking away? Do they seem tense in any way? Nonverbal cues, like body language, are a valuable part of communication. You can sense your partner’s mood through the way they are holding themselves. When you want to have an open discussion with your partner, make sure your body language is open. 

If you need some extra support in learning how to communicate with your partner, we can help. Contact us today!

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therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!