4 Ways to Cope with Being Disliked

4 Ways to Cope with Being Disliked

Whether we like it or not, it’s impossible to be liked by everyone. People are too different for everyone to get along all the time, so at some point we are all going to have to deal with being disliked.

One thing we don’t talk a lot about as a culture is being okay with being disliked. It often feels painful or shocking to realize that someone doesn’t like you, mostly because the default expectation is that people will like us. When you know that someone doesn’t like you, it can be confusing to deal with them in a way that doesn’t leave you frustrated or questioning your self worth. 

There are lots of reasons why people dislike other people.

There are some sources of dislike, like racism or homophobia, that are never excusable. You don’t have to try to convince yourself that it’s okay or reasonable for someone to dislike you because of who you are as a person.  The kind of dislike that we’re talking about in this post is the kind that we all feel from time to time. 

There are some people who you just won’t get along with. You might dislike someone because your personalities don’t mesh well together, or because they were a jerk to you the last time you saw them. There are lots of reasons why people sometimes don’t get along, and learning how to deal with the discomfort that comes with that can help you in uncomfortable situations in the future. 

Here’s the thing: no one on earth is liked by everyone. 

It’s impossible! We all bring our own baggage to our interactions, and that is bound to cause tension or clashes at some point. It is possible to cope when someone dislikes you and learn how not to take it personally. 

Here are 4 suggestions for ways to deal with being disliked by others. See if any of these feel supportive for you!

Accept that no one is universally liked

Expecting to be liked by everyone you meet is really just setting yourself up to fail. In reality no one is universally liked, and the pain of trying to be liked by everyone and failing can take its toll on how you feel about yourself and how you interact with other people.

Sometimes people just don’t get along, and it’s okay to accept that. Acceptance can be freeing in many situations, especially when you’re working on being okay with being disliked. In this instance, accepting that not everyone will like you doesn’t mean that you approve of being disliked or that you agree with why someone dislikes you. It just means that you don’t have to focus any of your precious energy on fighting against reality. 

Pleasing everyone is simply out of your control. There’s always going to be someone who has a different opinion, so you might as well devote the time and energy you have to pleasing yourself, which you have more control over. 

Know that it’s probably not personal

It might feel really personal when someone doesn’t like you, but often it says more about them than it does about you. Sometimes it’s tough to remember that while you see things from your point of view, not everything is about you. People react in all sorts of ways that have nothing to do with you but stem from their environment, their trauma history, their beliefs, their personality, and even from instinct. 

We often cast ourselves as the main character in our lives, because that’s how it feels! When we all feel that we’re the main character though, it can cause tension because we feel like everything has to be about us and relate to us in some way. That’s not always the case. Some things are simply not about you.  

It can be tricky to resist the urge to assume everything is about you when you’re thinking about how other people interact with you. It takes practice to remember that everyone is out there doing their own stuff for their own reasons, and it probably has nothing to do with you. In general it’s helpful to try to see things from another point of view, which is part of why working with a therapist can be so powerful. 

Ask yourself – Do you like everyone?

Being unliked by some people doesn’t make you unlikable as a whole. It’s tempting to be defensive when someone doesn’t like you, but remember that you don’t like everyone, either. There are always going to be people who you don’t see eye to eye with, who make you feel frustrated or angry, and who you don’t like to deal with. There are even times when you just strongly dislike someone and can’t put your finger on why. We’ve all been there!

Keep in mind that if everybody liked everybody, it wouldn’t be so special when we connect with someone we care about. Also if that were true, everyone would be the same, which would be boring. Just as you have preferences about people, people will have preferences about you. 

The next time you feel like someone dislikes you, remember that there are people you dislike too. We all do it, and it’s not always personal. Remind yourself that it’s okay to not like everyone, and it’s okay to be disliked. 

Remind yourself what makes you likable 

One reason it feels painful to have someone dislike you is because it can make you question whether you’re likable at all. It’s tempting to jump right to assuming that just because one person doesn’t like you, no one could possibly like you and there is nothing likable about you. 

Taking a pause before you jump to that conclusion can help you remember what is actually true. 

What do you like about yourself? What do other people like about you? Reminding yourself of the things that people do like about you can help you feel less insecure when someone doesn’t like you. Are there things that you are proud of or admire about yourself? Do people compliment you about things? Maybe keep a list of what you like about yourself on your phone or in your journal to refer back to in moments of doubt. 

You could even keep a file of things you like about yourself on your computer or other device to look at when you feel that you’re not likable. Save screenshots of nice messages from people you care about, pictures that make you feel good about yourself, and other things you’re proud of to remind yourself that you are likable, even if you’re not liked by this one person. 

It’s not easy to deal with being disliked, and it can bring up a lot of uncomfortable feelings. If you’re looking for more support as you work through uncomfortable or painful emotions, a therapist can give you a safe space to explore and build new coping skills. Get in touch with our office today to book an appointment. 

8 Blogs to Help You Manage Your Emotions

8 Blogs to Help You Manage Your Emotions

We all have emotions, but we unfortunately don’t come with instruction manuals to help us figure them out. Often when we’re young, we learn certain ways to cope that we stick with until they cause us problems. These strategies you put into place as a child aren’t always the most supportive ways to manage emotions as an adult, however. It can be painful to realize that the way you attempt to regulate your emotions isn’t working for you anymore. 

Our approach to mental health at Hope+Wellness takes the whole person into view - your mind, body, life experiences, and more are all important sources of information and wisdom. Emotional regulation isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of deal; it requires a more individual approach and lots of compassion. 

We’ve written pretty extensively on the blog about managing emotions and emotional regulation. Regulating your emotions shouldn’t have to be a big mystery. To make it as easy as possible to guide folks toward resources, we’ve put together a roundup of some of our blogs that are focused on naming, feeling, and managing emotions. 

List of Emotions

“Developing a greater awareness of your emotions can help you develop ways to cope with difficult emotions that arise, make healthy decisions, enhance relationships with others, and develop a proactive sense of mastery over your life. Identifying emotions and how you feel in a given situation is often the first critical step towards figuring out how best to manage them.”

Naming Your Emotions

“Instead of feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed by your emotions, learning to identify them not only kickstarts that self soothing process, but also helps you to unpack where that discomfort is coming from. When you know how you’re feeling, you can start to get into the why….Understanding your feelings helps you understand how they impact how you behave with everyone in your life, and also gives you an opportunity to be open with those around about how you’re feeling so they know how to best support you.”

What is Emotional Regulation?

“Emotional regulation isn’t about stopping yourself from feeling certain emotions, or ignoring your emotions and responses, but putting you back in the driver's seat when they become too powerful. Instead of being ruled by your emotions, you can learn to be informed by them. Emotional regulation skills help give you what you need to slow yourself down and respond instead of react.”

Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

“One of the most frustrating experiences in life is when your emotions feel out of control and you’re not sure why. It can make you feel disconnected from yourself and unsure of how to feel better. One way to understand what’s happening when your emotions feel out of control is to understand the window of tolerance model, developed by Dr. Dan Siegel. This model helps explain the different zones of functioning we all experience, and how we can work to more effectively regulate our emotions.”

5 Things to Do When You Feel Triggered

“When you’re constantly breaking into fight or flight mode, it’s exhausting. Looking for danger around every turn is draining, and it can leave you feeling fatigued, irritable, and distressed. Feeling a high level of stress can also cause adverse physical symptoms after a while. Our bodies aren’t designed to be under extreme stress for long periods of time, so it can be hard on your body to feel constantly ready for danger. Although a trigger can be unavoidable, there are ways you can be more prepared when they come up, so you’re not left in so much distress each time.”

3 Ways to Build Interoceptive Awareness

“We all have a level of interoceptive awareness, or the ability to understand the messages we get from our bodies. Some people have lower levels of awareness of their internal body sensations, or lower interoceptive awareness. The messages, or interoceptive signals, our bodies send us can be tricky to understand if you’re not sure what to look for, but it’s possible to increase your level of interoceptive awareness. …These interoceptive signals help us identify our emotions, which is an important step in emotional regulation.”

What are Coping Skills and Why Do I Have Them?

“Coping skills are strategies or tools that you can use to manage stressful or distressing situations. Coping skills let you decrease your level of stress and handle difficult emotions in a way that maintains your sense of internal order…Coping skills offer options for getting through moments of distress until you can find a safe place to process what’s going on. It’s not always feasible to feel and process everything you need to in the moment, especially when emotions are heightened. Coping strategies let you get through the moment until you’re able to find a safe place, like a therapy session, to unpack the situation.”

6 Tips To Help You Feel Your Feelings

“Emotions serve an important purpose. When we avoid our feelings, we’re just opening ourselves up to more distress later. When feelings aren’t dealt with, they have a way of coming back even more intensely, and often at an inconvenient time.

Emotions are messengers, but we usually aren’t taught how to decode the messages they are sending us. Even when you do understand what the message is underneath the emotion, it can be hard to know what to do in the moment when you’re feeling a distressing feeling.”

We all experience emotions differently.

If these blogs resonate with you, that’s great! If these tips don’t feel as relevant to you, that doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to manage your emotions at all. You may just need different ideas or the support of a professional like a therapist to help you work on emotional regulation. 

Are you looking for more help managing your emotions? Working with a therapist can help you find more personalized ways to approach emotional regulation that work for you and your lifestyle. Contact us today to learn more about getting started.

4 Practical Ways to Build New Habits

4 Practical Ways to Build New Habits

Have you ever tried to build a new habit?

It can be surprisingly difficult to start doing something new regularly. Doing one small new thing a day (or not doing something) might sound simple, but our brains are complicated, so it doesn’t always end up being that way. 

Thankfully, we know a lot more about the human brain than we used to, which can help us make sense of how habits are built in our nervous system. It’s absolutely possible to build new habits that improve your life, it just takes some patience. 

Habits are “a settled or regular tendency or practice,” or something that you do without really thinking about it. It might be brushing your teeth in the morning, or taking your dog for a walk. A habit tends to be sort of automatic, and such a routine part of your life that it feels strange when you don’t do it. 

Why are habits hard to break and hard to build?

It comes down to our brains. When our brains notice that we do something over and over, they try to make life easier by making a sort of shortcut for that action. Our brains spend all day long taking action, so when they can use a shortcut, it’s usually helpful. These shortcuts are called neural pathways. 

Our brains work by sending electrical signals to our neurons from one area to another. When that path gets used over and over, our brains learn and develop a new neural pathway to send the message more efficiently. This is why after a certain period of time habits become so ingrained that you don’t even really have to think about them.  

Sometimes improving your life isn’t about adding in a new habit, but breaking an old one that is no longer serving you. Breaking habits is just as difficult as building one, because your brain wants to use that neural pathway it’s created for you. It takes time to teach your brain that you’re not using that one anymore. 

So, you want to learn a new habit? Here are 4 practical ways to build new habits:

Unlearn myths about habits

There are a lot of myths out there about habits. One of the most common myths is that it takes just 21 days to build a new habit. This might be true for some people, but it’s not the case for most. For many people, it can take months to develop a habit. If you’ve felt frustrated in the past that you weren’t able to establish a new habit in 21 days, know that you are not the problem! The expectation that we can re-wire our brains in 3 weeks is often what leads people to feel frustrated. 

Another problematic myth about habits is that they are good or bad. As with much in life, things are rarely that black and white. There's a gray area that's important to notice. 

Instead of trying to view habits as good or bad, try to assess them by whether they’re supportive or unsupportive. Does this habit help you feel good about yourself and meet your goals? Does it align with your values? Does it support who you are now, or is it no longer necessary? 

When you shift from thinking about habits in terms of good and bad, it’s easier to remove the judgment you feel and treat yourself with compassion. 

Try habit stacking

Remember those neural pathways we talked about earlier? Those shortcuts give you a built-in hack to start a new habit. A habit stack is when you put a new habit alongside one you’ve already mastered. 

So, if you’d like to develop a habit where you spend time meditating each day, try sticking it next to a habit you already do daily - like brewing coffee or charging your phone. When you’re done getting your coffee ready, jump right into meditation until it’s ingrained. It’s easier to remember to fold in a new habit alongside an established one, instead of forgetting half of the time. 

Examine barriers

A lot of times when we try to implement new habits, we only do so in optimal conditions, like when we’re feeling healthy and not too stressed. When life inevitably gets in the way of your new routine, it can be tricky to keep up! Often new habits are the first things we drop in times of overwhelm, because they’re not ingrained in the neural networks in our brains yet. So when you’re building a new habit, it’s important to zoom out and look for potential barriers that could get in the way of this new habit. 

Do you struggle to get the laundry done because you don’t have a set time in your schedule? Or maybe because you have to travel to the laundromat, and when your schedule gets busy you don’t have time? Whatever the barrier is, write it down, and try to come up with as many solutions as possible to give yourself opportunities to overcome what’s getting in the way of this new habit. Having a plan for when those barriers happen will help you feel less overwhelmed when they do pop up. 

Go slow

You’re not going to be able to completely overhaul your habits overnight. It can be a fun energy boost to start a new habit, but try to avoid the temptation to do too much at once and build your habits one at a time. 

If you try to do too much too fast, you run the risk of burning yourself out instead of being able to stick with the habit for the long haul. Work on one habit at a time so you can have time to build that new neural pathway so the habit becomes almost automatic. Once you have to think less about the habit to get it done, you can add in the next one. 

Have patience and compassion with yourself because you’re doing your best! Our brains are complicated and take more time to learn than you might like. You’re worthy of compassion anyway! 

Are you looking for more support as you build new habits? A therapist can help you discover what habits are no longer supportive for you and examine the barriers you face in implementing new ones, along with so much more. You can get started in one click!

Spending Time with Your Inner Child this Autumn

What’s your inner child?

Your inner child is all of the younger versions of yourself that still live inside of your mind. Imagine yourself like a tree–as the tree grows, it creates rings on the inside of it, marking how many growth cycles it’s been through. Your inner child is like that, the rings of your growth. You don’t abandon each version of yourself as you get older, you simply build upon it. 

Their hopes, their needs, their dreams, their fears, and their wounds all live within you, making you responsible for them. We call this sort of responsibility the reparenting of your inner child because it allows for you, now grown, to provide the care and support your younger self needed to that younger version of you inside of yourself. You are parent and child at once. 

Why is connecting to them important?

Taking time to connect with your inner child allows you to tap into those needs and fears and wounds. Wounds left untended from our childhood don’t just go away, they seep into our adult lives & relationships. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re trying to tend to those wounds through our behaviors! That’s why taking intentional time to get to know your inner child, and explore where they might be hurting is so important. 

What does it mean to care for your inner child?

Taking time to care for your inner child is about taking intentional time with yourself. Notice your emotional reactions to things, and make an effort to investigate where those instincts come from. Often at the root of an emotional reaction is a childhood wound–one we may or may not be aware of. And remember as you take this time: what you find may seem insignificant to an adult but can be a major moment for a child. When we’re children, experiences are all new. That means we’re not able to apply the logic of context to a situation, and may draw the wrong conclusions. Be kind to your inner child and remember that their feelings are real and huge to them. It’s not your job to logic those feelings away, but to offer a safe space to name them, sit with them, and explore what those feelings say about your emotional needs. 

Use the changing of the seasons as an excuse to make plans with your inner child. 

As the weather cools, it’s finally starting to feel like autumn! There are many ways you can connect to your inner child throughout the year, but why not have a little seasonal fun with it? Here are just a few ideas on how you can use the changing of the seasons as an opportunity to connect with your inner child: 

Visit a corn maze: 

This is both a fun group activity (get all your friend’s inner children to come along to!) or an opportunity for some one on one, mindful time with your inner child. Walk through the maze as they would, what choices would they make? How would they have fun? Indulge their playful spirit! 

Pick out & decorate pumpkins:

Getting creative with your inner child is a great way to allow them to express themselves, and seasonal decorating is just one way to do it! You can let them get their hands messy and carve a pumpkin, or you could keep it whole and have some fun painting it. Let your inner child guide the creative process, and see what they come up with! 

Make your own Halloween costume: 

Just one more creative way to connect to your inner child’s playfulness and creativity. Who would your inner child want to be for Halloween? Did they have a hero or a favorite character? How would they like to dress up as them? Would they have fun piecing the costume together, DIY style? 

Go apple picking: 

Spending time in nature is great both for you and your inner child! Go for an autumn hike or go to an apple orchard to spend an afternoon walking around, smelling the crisp air, stepping on crunchy leaves, and picking delicious apples to bring home with you. Maybe you and your inner child can bake them into an apple pie for a sweet treat later! 

If you’re looking to go deeper into your inner child work, our therapists can help support you. Get in touch with us today to schedule an appointment!

3 Ways to Build Interoceptive Awareness

3 Ways to Build Interoceptive Awareness 

Did you know that you have way more than 5 senses? 

When we were little, most of us learned that we had five senses - sight, taste, hearing, smell, and touch. In fact, there are many more ways that our bodies pick up on information in the world around us and make sense of what’s going on. 

Some of the less commonly understood senses are proprioception (sensing where your body parts are in space), thermoception (sensing temperature), nociception (sensing pain), equilibrioception (sensing balance), and interoception (sensing what’s happening in your body). Interoception, in particular, can play a role in decoding the emotional messages we’re getting from our bodies.

What is interoception? 

Interoception is being in touch with what’s going on in your body. It’s a mind-body connection that lets us tune in to the messages that our bodies send us. When we have experiences, our bodies are often heavily involved, but many of us don’t have a lot of practice translating what they have to say. Decoding the interoceptive signals that our bodies send us is something that comes with practice and patience. 

Interoception allows us to feel things like: 

• Hunger 

• Thirst

• Urge to use the bathroom

• Emotions

• Tired

• Itchiness

• Heart rate

• Muscle tension

• Body temperature 

Many of us are more disconnected from our bodies than we realize.

It’s a cultural norm, for example, to learn to ignore body cues about hunger and fullness in order to meet beauty expectations. It’s such a struggle to learn how to tune in to the messages your body gives you about its hunger needs that there’s a whole framework called intuitive eating that teaches people how to re-learn those signals. 

Some people are disconnected from their bodies for painful reasons. Folks who live with chronic pain may not be able to handle being fully present in their body when it is in pain, so may feel easier to ignore those body messages. Survivors of trauma may not feel safe in their bodies and so may not know if they can trust the messages they’re receiving. 

We all have a level of interoceptive awareness, or the ability to understand the messages we get from our bodies. Some people have lower levels of awareness of their internal body sensations, or lower interoceptive awareness. The messages our bodies send us can be tricky to understand if you’re not sure what to look for, but it’s possible to increase your level of interoceptive awareness. 

Why interoceptive awareness is helpful for mental health

It would be helpful if our bodies and our brains spoke the same language, but they often don’t. The messages our bodies send us come in what are known as interoceptive signals, and they can be easy to miss if you don’t know what you’re looking for. These interoceptive signals help us identify our emotions, which is an important step in emotional regulation.

For example, let’s say you’re frustrated about something. You might have a sense of unease that you’re picking up on, but you’re not sure where it’s coming from. It could be mistaken for fear or anger. There might be subtle signals that set it apart from the other emotions, but if you don’t pick up on them, it might take you longer to get to the bottom of what’s going on. Some signs to look out for that distinguish your feeling of frustration could be:

• The level of tension in your muscles (are your muscles tense, like you’re ready to run or strike? Or are you feeling more relaxed?)

• How fast your heart rate is (often your heart rate will speed up when you’re afraid or angry)

• Feeling hungry or thirsty (if you’re afraid, often your sense of hunger will disappear as fight or flight kicks in)

• Feeling tightness somewhere in your body (some people experience frustration as a tightness in their chest or throat)

It can feel like a full time job just trying to ride the waves of your changing emotions sometimes, but emotional regulation is even harder when we can’t name the emotions we’re feeling.  It’s hard to regulate something you can’t name, because you don’t know what to look for. When you are able to read the messages from your body, though, it becomes easier to regulate what you’re feeling. 

How to strengthen your sense of interoception

It takes practice to learn how to engage the sense of interoception. Interoceptive awareness builds with time, so the more you can be curious about what’s going on in your body, the better. Here are 3 other ways to strengthen your sense of interoception. 

Practice mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness is often one of our suggestions, because it really makes a difference. Learning how to focus your attention on the present moment is an important skill that is a foundation for mental wellness. 

Instead of letting your thoughts or feelings carry you away, practicing mindfulness teaches you how to notice and name what you experience. It also helps you learn how to let go of judgments you have of yourself. We tend to judge ourselves a lot more than we’d ever judge anyone else. That sense of judgment can make it hard to fully express yourself, even to yourself. 

To build up your sense of body awareness, try a body scan meditation or a grounding exercise that focuses on the senses. These will help you get in the habit of checking in with your body as you check in with your mind. 

Connect body signals with emotions

Sadly, many of us don’t learn how to notice and name our emotions until they’re causing us distress. We can feel a wide range of emotions as humans, and sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint which one you’re experiencing. It may be easier for you to identify your emotions if you’re able to connect the signals of your body with the emotions you feel. This not only helps you tune into the signals from your body, but it helps you understand how you personally experience each emotion, which will make it easier to identify in the future. 

It may be helpful to consult an emotion wheel to pinpoint which emotion you’re feeling. This is a fantastic one because it links emotions and sensations, so if you’re not sure what you’re feeling, you can explore the sensations you’re experiencing and try to determine your emotions from that angle instead.

Practice body curiosity

Occupational Therapist and interoception expert Kelly Mahler recommends practicing body curiosity to build your interoceptive awareness. Body curiosity is what it sounds like - practicing being curious about your body. The key with body curiosity is to remove judgment from the equation. There’s nothing your body is doing that is bad or wrong, it’s all just information. When you can remove the layer of judgment, it’s easier to be honest with yourself and understand what is really going on. This is especially helpful to teach to young ones as they grow so it’s a habit for them to check in with their bodies without judgment. 

Try keeping a body curiosity journal to get in the habit of checking in with your body. You can quickly note what your body feels like during daily activities, so you can pick out patterns and learn more about how you physically experience emotions.

There are many different ways to support your mental health, and learning more about how to listen to the messages your body is telling you is one. It builds trust between you and your body when you make an effort to be a loving parent to yourself. Working with a therapist can help you uncover more ways to support your mental health that work for you and your lifestyle. Call or email us today to get started. 

Getting Started with Hiking for Mental Health

Did you know just going out in nature is good for your mental health?

It’s true! Just going for a walk in your neighborhood counts too–anywhere there is some sort of green (trees and plants) and fresh air is good for your mental health. Lisa Nisbet, PhD, a psychologist at Trent University in Ontario, Canada told the American Psychological Association: 

“There is mounting evidence, from dozens and dozens of researchers, that nature has benefits for both physical and psychological human well­being. You can boost your mood just by walking in nature, even in urban nature. And the sense of connection you have with the natural world seems to contribute to happiness even when you’re not physically immersed in nature.”

One easy way to spend time in nature? Hiking! It’s a wonderful way to build both physical and mental health. Here are a few benefits of hiking:  

Benefits of Hiking: 

It gets your body moving:

While you definitely don’t need to be hitting the gym five days a week, it’s still best practice to find gentle & joyful ways to move your body–both for your physical and mental health. Our culture has an odd relationship to exercise, where it can very easily become toxic if not navigated intentionally. That’s why something like hiking can be such a wonderful way to fill that need for moving your body! No matter what experience level you’re at–whether hiking to you is a leisurely stroll through the woods, or an intense mountain climbing experience–there’s a way to make hiking work for you. 

It can also be a social activity: 

Hiking gives you the opportunity to explore paths all around where you live (or further, if you’re an adventure hiker!) If you have a favorite trail, inviting friends or loved ones, or taking a date there can be a great way to spend meaningful time with people away from the distractions of technology. 

It offers a chance for meditation: 

Spending time in nature is a great way to give yourself a chance to just slow down. Put your phone away (or pick a trail where you don’t get reception anyway) and use the hike as a way to engage with your senses, your surroundings and the present moment. What are you seeing on the trail? What sounds can you hear? Other hikers? Streams? Animals running through the woods? Wind blowing through the trees? Can you smell anything? How does the trail feel under your feet? If finding a way to fit a meditation practice into your day to day life is a challenge, using hiking as an opportunity for mindfulness can help strengthen your ability to slow down and stay present. And since you want to be enjoying nature anyway, hiking is the perfect time!

It can help you get to know your local history: 

Some hiking trails follow along historical landmarks or areas of local history, with placards marking different spots to tell you what happened there. You can also learn about what sorts of plants and animals are common and native to your area, learn the history of the trails and why they are where they are. Using hiking as an opportunity to get to know your local area can be a fun way to feel more connected to where you live, which reduces feelings of loneliness and isolation. 

Getting started with hiking: 

If you’re new to hiking, it might seem like an intimidating hobby. But you don’t have to be an expert adventurer to have fun on the trails. Here are a few tips to help you get started if you’ve never tried hiking before: 

Look up family friendly trails: 

If you’re unsure about your hiking skill level, no worries! Plenty of trails are designed for families, and are a great place to start out. Go on yelp or google or alltrails and look up family friendly hikes in your area and you should be able to find plenty of places to get started. 

Crowdsource hikes in your area: 

There may be a local hiking enthusiasts facebook or meetup group you can join. You can also make a post on a local subreddit to see if anyone has favorite trails to recommend. Even social and dating apps like Lex (a classified style app where you post about social groups/dates/community events) to search for good trails and new hiking buddies in your area! 

Work with what you have: 

You don’t need to go out and buy a bunch of outdoor equipment to get into hiking. If it turns out to be something you like, a comfortable sturdy pair of hiking boots might be a good idea, but other than that, if you’re just taking walks on local trails? Don’t worry about it! Start off with your best pair of sneakers and some comfortable clothes you don’t mind getting dirty, and just have fun! Remember, you’re not hiking to be the best hiker out there, you don’t need to level up every time you go out. Do what is comfortable and enjoyable for you. That way you’ll want to do it again!

Hiking has many benefits, for both your physical and mental health, and it’s a coping skill you can keep in your mental health toolbox for when you need it. If you’re looking for other skills and tools to help support your mental health, working with a therapist can help you find what works for you.  

How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

Self-care is such a buzzword these days that pretty much anything can be spun as self-care. Not everything you do in the name of self-care is actually good for you, though. Businesses have found that appealing to people’s need for self-care to be a very effective marketing strategy, and so the lines of what is actually self-care have become blurred. It can be hard to figure out if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

The purpose of self-care is to make you feel rejuvenated. Life isn’t only about being “productive”, but self-care in general should make you feel as though you’ve accomplished something. 

Avoidance, on the other hand, is draining. It doesn’t feel good to keep putting things off or pushing things away, because there’s always the fear that they’ll come back at any moment. 

What is avoidance?

Avoidance is a coping mechanism that people use when they’re trying not to think, feel, or do something difficult. The problem with avoidance is that it doesn’t deal with the root of the problem, it just pushes it down for another day. This can backfire, unfortunately. You may have experienced this before, where you try not to think about something and then it’s the only thing on your mind. 

Sometimes, doing something can be avoidance in one context and self-care in another. For example, if you have a deadline coming up to apply for a program, it’s probably not productive to spend all day playing video games. Those actions keep you from doing what is on your mind. On the other hand, if you’ve just finished up a big project and need to blow off some steam, playing video games can be a perfect outlet. 

Avoidance might be a way to self-sabotage, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. Imagine that you’ve been casually dating someone for a few months and you have developed feelings and want to get a feel for how they are feeling.  

However, you don’t want to open yourself up to criticism or rejection by putting your actual feelings out there - what if they laugh? What if they leave? The what ifs can be immobilizing at times, which is why avoidance is such an attractive option. Instead of having to deal with being rejected, you can do the rejecting by simply refusing to do anything.

Of course, that doesn’t solve the problem at hand - clarifying what the relationship expectations are, it just kicks it down the road to be dealt with later. 

In the scenario above, you might start to feel resentful that you’re shouldering the emotional burden on your own instead of being able to communicate openly with your partner. That resentment might lead to you wanting to spend less time with them or even ending your connection altogether.  

If you put something off or shove it down long enough, it will find its way out. Avoidance is a coping strategy, but it’s not one that works forever. After a while, you’re going to have to deal with whatever it is one way or another. 

So, how can you tell the difference between avoidance and self-care? Here are 5 questions to ask yourself to assess if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

What is the intent?

Most of the time, it comes down to the intent behind it. Avoiding behaviors often come up automatically without us having to think about it. Our brains do what they can to protect us, and they sometimes try to keep us from having to do or feel something painful. Self-care, however, is a more consciously made choice. Avoidance often feels mindless- like when you pick up your phone and then boom, suddenly 2 hours are gone and you don’t know where they went. 

Is this proactive or reactive?

Often, self-care is proactive, to help make life easier for future-you while avoidance is in reaction to something. An example of proactive self-care is making plans with your friends in advance so you make sure to have time with each other. Avoidance might look like canceling plans with a friend who you need to have a serious talk with. Is this action going to help future-you? Or is it helping you avoid something or someone? Be honest with yourself. 

What is underneath the urge to avoid? 

There’s almost always something underneath the urge to avoid something, and it’s helpful to do some digging to find out what it is. Maybe it’s fear of confrontation, or fear of rejection. Perhaps you don’t want to be criticized or pitied. Whatever it is, try to explore what is going on beneath the surface to get to the root of what’s going on. 

Is what I'm doing keeping me connected to the present moment? 

This is a great question to ask yourself to determine if you’re avoiding or caring for yourself. Avoidance is designed to distract you from what is stressing you out, so a lot of times it means checking out of the present moment. Self-care, on the other hand, brings you back to the present moment, or at least keeps you from ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. 

How do I feel afterward - more or less stressed? Numb or energized?

Self-care is supposed to help relieve stress, not add to it. It’s not only about taking it easy and indulging every impulse. Sometimes self-care is tedious, but it should ideally leave you feeling less stressed and more energized. 

Since avoidance is all about pushing away difficult feelings or situations, it often adds to your stress level overall. It is stressful to always feel like the other shoe is about to drop. Avoidance might even feel like numbness or fatigue, where you’re not sure what you’re experiencing. If you tend to find yourself feeling more stressed after engaging in self-care, there may be some avoidance going on.

The tricky part of this is that everyone’s self-care needs are different, and they change all the time.

You’re the expert of your body and your experience, so you might have an idea of what works for you. If you’re looking for more support as you develop your own self-care practice, working with a therapist can help. Get in touch today to get started with one of our expert counselors. 

5 Mental Health Benefits of Spending Time in Nature

5 Mental Health Benefits of Spending Time in Nature

Have you ever felt mentally refreshed after spending time outside?

The idea that getting some fresh air can be beneficial to health is not a new one. It’s go-to advice for many people, because being outside in nature actually is good for you in a number of ways. 

Physically, moving your body can help you release stress, process emotions, and feel more energized. Mentally, spending time outside in nature can leave you feeling more mindful of the present moment and connected to the world around you, which can boost feelings of happiness. 

Most of us spend almost all day staring at some screen or another, and it takes its toll on our mental and physical well-being. Our bodies haven’t evolved to support us as we sit and stare at a screen, so spending all day doing that can lead to some pretty serious aches and pains. Heading outside when you have the chance is a nice change of scenery!

Nature means different things to different people. You don’t have to be deep in a forest or at the top of a mountain to benefit from nature - you can get just as much from a walk down the street as a long hike. What matters is being present to enjoy the moment and notice what’s happening around you. 

Why is nature so good for mental health? Here are 5 mental health benefits of spending time in nature: 

Helps you practice mindfulness 

Research has shown that feeling connected with nature plays a role in how it benefits you. The more strongly you feel connected to nature and the environment around you, the more positive impact on your wellbeing.

To feel more connected to nature, practice noticing your surroundings, and using your senses to take in all the information that nature has to offer. Focus on each sense one at a time to help make sense of what you’re experiencing and as a bonus it will help keep you in the present moment to enjoy it while it’s happening. 

Lowers your stress level

Life moves pretty fast, and it’s hard to keep up sometimes. Stress is something that we all deal with, but we don't all deal with it well. Some coping skills are more supportive than others, and spending time outside might help you feel less stressed than your other options. 

For example, if you’re stressed about work, you can cope in a number of ways. Just to name a few, you could vent to your friends, zone out in front of the TV, move your body, engage in a hobby, or practice positive affirmations. You could also go outside and let nature help. 

Spending time noticing what’s going on around you - which plants are growing, what animals you see or hear, the feeling of the breeze on your face - gives you something else to focus on while you calm down. In fact, research has found that being outside lowers levels of the stress hormone, cortisol, so the stress-lowering powers of nature can actually be measured. 

Improves concentration 

If you feel like you have a hard time concentrating on things these days, you’re not alone. Research has reported that our attention spans are getting shorter with the popularity of screen time and social media. In 2000, the human attention span was measured to be approximately 12 seconds, and by 2015 it had shrunk to just 8.2 seconds. 

Fortunately, spending time outside can help improve concentration and other cognitive abilities, so when you’ve had enough screen time, try heading outside.  

Gives a sense of wonder and awe

Life is a beautiful, wonderful mystery, and spending time in nature can reinforce that. Nature is often beautiful, awe inspiring, and helps us feel connected to something larger than ourselves. When we spend time in nature, we can see the ways that everything interacts with each other and realize that we are part of the interaction too. 

We can walk on ground that’s been there for millennia, and gaze up at trees that have been growing for hundreds or even thousands of years. Nature can inspire gratitude, wonder, and awe, which are all beautiful parts of being alive. 

Changes your perspective 

Nature can give us a perspective that is otherwise too abstract for our minds to understand. We often think of time in terms of the human lifespan, but nature is on a different timeline. Nature takes her time, and the bigger picture is slowly revealed. 

Think of the Grand Canyon, which started with water flowing in a river on a flat plain, and slowly dug away at the rock to form one of the most beautiful canyons in the world. Nature doesn’t worry about anyone else’s timeline. Day by day, you probably couldn’t see the changes in the rock, but after thousands of years, the difference is clear. 

Zooming out and thinking of the big picture can help you manage worries and uncomfortable feelings, because you know they won’t last forever. 

So, the next time you have a few minutes, get outside. See how it feels!

Spending time in nature has many mental health benefits, and it’s a coping skill you can keep in your mental health toolbox for when you need it. If you’re looking for other skills and tools to help support your mental health, working with a therapist can help you find what works for you.  

How Well Can You Predict What Will Make You Happy?

Your brain is a powerful machine. It can do so many things!

But one thing we can’t rely on it for? Predicting what will make us happy in the future. 

Does that sound strange to you? After all, our brains have all of the information we’re ever going to have, shouldn’t that be what we need to look at our choices, imagine our future, and decide which is the most likely to make us happy?

Turns out–no! 

The short explanation is that our brains just can’t remove the context of our current situation or mood when imagining our future–so whatever our current mood and outlook are, that’s how our brains will imagine the future. And on top of that, our brains massively overestimate how happy for how long something will actually make us! 

The longer explanation is that Harvard professor of psychology, Dan Gilbert, along with a handful of other psychologists (and one economist) have been using the last few years to study behavioral prediction; specifically: how we predict what will make us happy and how we actually feel after the fact. What they found is that almost all of the decisions we make are based on how we think we’ll feel after those decisions. 

So the question becomes: how well can we really predict what will make us happy? 

There are strengths and weaknesses in our ability to predict our own happiness. When it comes to deciding relatively what would make us happier, we can choose basic things confidently and accurately. As the New York Times puts it: “we can accurately predict that we'd rather be stuck in Montauk than in a Midtown elevator.”

We know roughly things that will make us happier than other things.

And we know that something like buying a fancy new car or getting a promotion will make us happy. However, what we overlook–or, often, overestimate–is the impact of that happiness & how long it will last. 

It’s easy to imagine your future where you’ve gotten a promotion, and assume that it will fix your life. You’ll be making more money, you’ll have more expertise & authority in your field, therefore you will be more respected, you’ll be able to treat yourself to nicer things with your increased income, etc. Those things may be true, but with a promotion presumably also comes more work, more professional responsibilities, possibly less free time, navigating a new co-worker pool or professional hierarchy, etc. 

So while the promotion is a good thing, and it may bring you a large amount of happiness the moment you find out about it, the feeling motivating that decision (ex: accepting the promotion) isn’t as long lasting as we imagine. 

When we imagine different future scenarios in our head we’re using a neat feature our brains have evolved to have, which is essentially an experience simulator. As Dan Gilbert says:

“Ben and Jerry's doesn't have "liver and onion" ice cream, and it's not because they whipped some up, tried it and went, "Yuck!" It's because, without leaving your armchair, you can simulate that flavor and say "yuck" before you make it.”

This is an incredible strength of our minds, something that animals can’t do like we can. However, where we overestimate its strength is in the longevity. 

Where Our Experience Simulator Fails:

While we can decide what decision we would like more in any given moment, what Gilbert’s research shows us is that our experience simulator makes us believe the different choices lead to outcomes far more different than they actually are. 

The reason for this is something Gilbert describes as a psychological immune system, which is really just a fancy way of saying humans are really good at adapting to their circumstances.  He says there are two options for happiness: natural happiness, that comes from getting whatever it was we wanted, and synthetic happiness, that comes from finding ways to be happy when we don’t get what we want. And it turns out, humans are really, really good at this! 

So why does this matter?

This is significant because it can help us reduce stress when it comes to decision making. If the amount of happiness you will have is about the same no matter what decision you make because of you “psychological immune system” then it reduces the pressure to make the “right” decision for your happiness. You know that one choice won’t ruin your chances at being happy in your life! Knowing this can help you feel more confident in values based decision making, and help you feel more aligned and fulfilled in your decisions overall. 

If you’re interested in learning how to get clear on your values to strengthen your confidence in decision making, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

What is a Trauma Response?

To understand what a trauma response is, first we must understand what exactly trauma is. 

Despite what you may currently understand about trauma, trauma isn’t defined by a type of event–though some events are more likely to lead to trauma than others, and therefore more commonly cause trauma. What trauma is referring to is the emotional response one has from those events. 

Some events, like abuse, sexual violence, physical violence, car accidents, natural disasters, etc. are what we commonly think of when we think of trauma. But because trauma is referring to an emotional response to a disturbing event–disturbing meaning exceeding the individual’s ability to cope with it, so the definition isn’t so cut and dry. What may be disturbing and traumatic for one person can be different for another. 

So how can trauma show up?

The way trauma shows up in our lives is called a trauma response. Essentially, a trauma response is the repeated occurrence of a coping mechanism that helped you survive your trauma, but now it is present whether or not the danger you’re sensing is real. 

After a trauma, we are often hypervigilant, and on alert for danger reflexively, in order to protect ourselves from further harm. This means that small things that don’t actually present a true danger are interpreted by our brains to be a threat, and our coping responses are activated. 

If you have experienced a trauma, this can leave you feeling out of control or like what you’re doing “doesn’t make any sense” but it’s actually your brain’s natural protective response. Experiencing trauma changes how your brain processes new events; while you rationally may be able to understand that the context of your new situation is different from the situation which caused you trauma, your brain isn’t able to distinguish that difference when processing what’s happening. 

That means, in new situations where the context is different but events are similar, your brain may activate your trauma response, even when there are no dangers present. 

What are the trauma responses? 

There are four main responses to trauma. These responses are: 

• Fight 

• Flight

• Freeze

• Fawn 

Most people know about fight or flight, but the two others are less commonly heard of, though just as commonly experienced. It’s also important to note that there are healthy uses of each of these responses. Trauma however, can override our ability to use these responses in a healthy way, and can begin to rely on one response no matter the context. 

So what do each of them mean?

The Fight Response: 

The fight response is when threats (real or perceived) are faced with aggression, or perhaps even physical violence. 

In a healthy instance this can look like being firm with boundaries, speaking up for yourself when you’re being disrespected or mistreated, protect yourself from immediate threats when necessary, and being confident in asserting yourself. 

However, as a trauma response, we’re not able to balance it with our rational thought, which means the fight response is less of a response and more of an immediate reaction. As a trauma response it can show up as meeting a perceived conflict with aggression–essentially using conflict to navigate conflict. It can look like physical blow ups–yelling, slamming your hands or fists into things, etc.–being aggressive or mean with others, as well as being inwardly angry with yourself, often without knowing why. 

The Flight Response: 

The flight response is when threats (real or perceived) are abandoned or fled from. 

Again, this isn’t always a bad thing! There are cases where leaving the situation is actually the best choice. This response, when we’re able to use it in a healthy way, can aid us in doing things like leaving toxic relationships, avoiding dangerous situations, walking away from harmful conversations or environments, etc. 

As a trauma response, the flight response can show up as a need to stay busy all of the time. There’s a belief that in running away you cannot be harmed, and that can often lead to running away mentally–aka disengaging, and doing whatever you can to stay busy. You can also experience it physically: feeling a need to be constantly fidgeting or tapping or be in motion somehow can be a way this response shows up in your life. 

The Freeze Response: 

The freeze response is when you aren’t able to respond or act at all in the face of  threats (real or perceived). 

Used well, the freeze response can help you slow down, pause, and assess a situation. It gives you the opportunity to consider what is really going on before jumping into action. 

When showing up as a response to trauma, the freeze response looks like: disengaging, physically freezing, spacing out, dissociating, essentially being altogether disconnected from yourself and your present reality. This can help you survive in moments of trauma, when what is happening is too disturbing for your brain to process, but in day to day life it harms, rather than helps you.  

The Fawn Response: 

The fawn response is when threats (real or perceived) are met with a compulsion to just make everyone happy. 

With the fawn response, we can tap into compassion for others, use our skills of listening, compromise, and a sense of fairness. However, these things can be detrimental to you if not balanced and practiced with firm boundaries. 

If compassion and fairness give way to a need to please everyone all of the time at the expense of yourself–that’s a trauma response. 

Remember, trauma is individual to every person who experiences it. The way it shows up for you might not be how it shows up for someone else. If you’re looking for more support as you heal after experiencing a trauma, one of our therapists can help support you. Contact us today!