3 Tips to Manage Regret More Mindfully

We all have regrets. It’s normal to look back on moments from your past and wish you handled them better–it’s something that happens as we grow and learn. But allowing regret to live in your mind all of the time doesn’t help you, and in fact it could be holding you back. 

So how do you acknowledge regret without letting it take over? Why is it important to not let it take over in the first place?

Regret, when dealt with mindfully, is a sign of growth. If you’re looking back on an old situation and seeing new, better ways to handle your role in it, that means you’ve done some personal growth between then and now. You’ve matured, gotten to know yourself a little better, and now you can see that you had other options you didn’t see when you were in the moment. 

That by itself is a good thing!

You can take that growth moving forward, and if you ever find yourself in a similar situation you can be confident that you have the tools to navigate it in a healthier way. It’s when you find yourself fixating on that regret that it starts to be a problem. That fixation prevents you from moving forward. Instead, you stay stuck in that moment you wish you handled “better” often feeling not just regret but shame or guilt too. 

What if we said that when you do that, you’re putting unfair expectations on your past self?

The reason you’re able to look back at old situations and see new options is because you’ve worked hard on yourself in the time between. You’ve experienced more and learned from each experience.  When looking back on moments you regret it’s important to remember that in those moments, you didn’t know what you know now. You made the choice you thought was right or best at the time with the tools you had available to you, you just have more tools available to you now. 

So how can you manage that feeling of regret without letting it take over? Here are 3 tips: 

Practice self compassion: 

You made the choice you made for a reason. None of us do things out of nowhere, we’re all motivated by something. Sometimes it’s logic and sometimes it’s our feelings, even if we don’t realize it. Look back at the moment and accept that you didn’t handle it the way you would now, but ask yourself: why did I feel this was the only way I could handle the situation? What made me overlook or afraid to make a “better” choice? Can I forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now?

Investigate the regret:

What is it you’re regretting? When you take time to look back on the moment you feel guilt or shame about, where is that guilt or shame stemming from? Pinpointing that will help you identify your values, and the ways in which you’ve grown in the passing time. It’s important to recognize that growth and celebrate it, as well as use past mistakes as an opportunity to learn. 

Use it as a lesson: 

Noting the ways you’ve grown in the passing time can help you figure out how you would handle it if you found yourself in a similar situation in the future. Asking yourself “how do I wish I behaved in that moment?” will give you the roadmap to what you should do if you face the situation again. It’s not a bad thing to say “I handled this poorly in the past, but now that I see how, I’ll know how to do better in the future.” Remember, we’re all learning as we go. It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s good to own up to them–it shows you know more now.  

If you’re looking for more support to change your mindset, our clinicians can help you on the journey to being kinder to yourself.

5 Ways to Improve Your Self-Worth

5 Ways to Improve Your Self-Worth

How do you feel about yourself? 

That’s definitely a loaded question for a lot of people. We often hear of the importance of building healthy self-esteem and self-worth, but it can be harder to put into practice than you expect. 

What’s the difference between self-esteem and self-worth?

Many of us have heard the terms self-esteem and self-worth before, but it’s not always clear what the difference between them is. They’re often used interchangeably, but they actually mean different things. 

Self-esteem is the way we feel about ourselves in the moment. Self-worth, on the other hand, describes knowing that you are a person of value who has worth, no matter what your self-esteem looks like. Self-worth is a broader term and is generally more permanent than self-esteem, which can vary based on circumstance. Self-worth comes from within, whereas self-esteem comes from the world around you. 

Self-esteem is more temporary than self-worth. They don’t always relate to one another the way you expect they would. It’s possible to have high self-esteem and self-worth at the same time, but it’s also possible to have low self-esteem and high self-worth, or vice versa. Although they have some commonalities, each plays a role in the way we feel about ourselves. 

How can you have low self-esteem but high self-worth?

It might sound strange that it’s possible to have low self-esteem but high self-worth. However, since self-worth is a foundational belief that you are innately worthy, no matter what else is going on, it’s less easily influenced by external or internal factors. Self-worth is a core belief that you are worthy and have value. Even if you’re having a bad day or week, and your self-esteem has taken a hit because of your current circumstances, you still understand your worth and value as a person. 

Developing a healthy sense of self-worth can help you be more resilient in times of distress or change. When you understand that nothing can change the worth you have as a person, it can be a freeing feeling. 

It might be hard for you to believe that you have inherent value and worth, especially if you’ve been sending yourself the opposite message for a long time. 

What is it like when you have high self-worth?

People who have a high sense of self-worth are more likely to:

• Fundamentally believe that they are worthy and loveable

• Understand that they deserve love and respect

• Realize that being imperfect and making mistakes doesn’t take away from self-worth

• Treat themselves with self-compassion

• Show themselves kindness and respect

• Believe that they have the power to learn and grow

If you’re looking to improve your sense of self-worth, you might be wondering where to start. Here are 5 ways to improve your self-worth: 

Use positive affirmations

The way you talk to yourself matters. When you notice that critical voice in your head putting you down, try to overpower it with positive words toward yourself. Positive affirmations can actually help change the way your brain is wired and lead to shifts in beliefs. You can use this to your advantage and repeat affirmations about your self-worth to yourself until you’ve internalized the message. Here are a few affirmations to try: 

• I am worthy, no matter what. 

• I have value, just as I am.

• I am enough.

• I deserve to be happy.

• I am just as worthy as everyone else. 

• I am a kind and loving friend to myself.

• I am able to meet my own needs.

Understand your core values

When you know the values that are most important to you, it’s easier to make decisions and trust that the decisions you make are in alignment with what matters to you. Taking the time to get to know what values matter to you can let you get to know yourself on a deeper level. It’s easier to be nicer to yourself when you know yourself better. Even if you make decisions that don’t pan out, knowing that your choices come from your values can give you confidence that you’re on the right path. 

Advocate for yourself 

It’s hard to learn how to be your own advocate, especially when you’re struggling to feel good about yourself. It’s really powerful to stick up for yourself, though. When the opportunity arises, express your true feelings and opinions. Be your own cheerleader! Practicing this skill can help reinforce the belief that you are worthy and valuable. Treat yourself like you are valuable, and eventually you will start to believe it.

Build up your self-trust

An important part of knowing your self-worth is knowing that you can trust and rely on yourself. Give yourself opportunities to build up the trust you have with yourself. Keep the promises you make to yourself. Remind yourself that it’s okay to not be perfect and make mistakes. Remember to speak kindly to yourself when building up self-trust. You probably wouldn’t trust someone who was a jerk to you all the time, right? So don’t be a jerk to yourself, because it will be harder to trust yourself. 

Avoid comparing yourself to others

Comparison really is the thief of joy. When you spend your time trying to find ways where you’re coming up short, you don’t have as much time to focus on your own internal world. Self-worth  comes from you and how you feel about yourself, not how anyone else feels about you. If you need to compare yourself to someone, compare your current self to your younger self. Remember that everyone has their own insecurities, and it’s human to feel envy from time to time. Try to examine what’s underneath that feeling and what needs you have that aren’t being met, then brainstorm ways to meet them for yourself instead of relying on someone else to do it. 

Are you looking for more ways to improve your self-worth? Working with a therapist can help you shift negative core beliefs that you have about yourself so you can enjoy the benefits of high self-worth. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

Codependence vs Interdependence in Relationships

Codependence vs Interdependence in Relationships

Relationships can be tough when there aren’t healthy boundaries in place, even when we have good intentions. We all bring our own histories and experiences to our relationships, and sometimes the different approaches we have to relationships can cause miscommunication or hurt feelings. One common issue that can cause distress in relationships is codependence, which can lead to an imbalanced relationship emotionally.

What is Codependence?

Codependence happens when one partner in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) gets their sense of self-worth from prioritizing the other person’s needs over their own. You can experience codependence in any kind of relationship, but it most often shows up in romantic relationships. You may have a relationship in your past or know of someone in a relationship like this. Instead of each partner being responsible for themselves emotionally, one partner takes on all of the responsibility for their partner instead of focusing on their own needs. 

Codependent folks feel validated when they put another person’s needs before their own. Lots of times the urge to manage the feelings and needs of others comes from experiences you had in childhood. Many codependent folks learned early on that the world is confusing, and one way to make sense of it is to try to control as much as possible. 

Low self worth can also impact codependence, because feeling badly about yourself can lead to placing the responsibility of your happiness on someone else. If you have a hard time being alone with yourself, or you don’t like yourself, it might seem easier to throw all your energy into helping “fix” your partner or take care of their needs than to focus your attention on yourself. However, this often leads to more relationship problems than it solves. 

What’s wrong with codependence?

The problem with codependence is that it’s impossible to manage someone else’s needs fully. Everyone is responsible for their own emotional work, and that’s just not something that can be done by someone else. Trying to control your partner’s emotional experience or manage their needs is a losing game, which will just end up making you feel worse about yourself in the long run. 

The goal in relationships isn’t complete independence though. Interdependence is a more healthy relationship dynamic, because it allows partners to be autonomous but also come together as a team. 

In an interdependent relationship, both partners have a sense of healthy autonomy. Emotional closeness is still there, but each partner is able to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their choices. Each partner feels safe to express themselves, and trust that their partner will do the same. Power and responsibility is shared in an equitable way in interdependent relationships, whereas codependent relationships have a major power imbalance. 

Where does codependence come from? 

If you find yourself enacting some codependent behaviors, don’t be too hard on yourself. The ways we relate to others in adult relationships is often influenced by our attachment style and our relationships with our early caregivers.

We all have an attachment style, which develops from the relationships we had as children with our caregivers. If your caregivers were attentive to your needs, reliable, and safe, a secure attachment style can form. This is because you learned early on that you were safe and cared for, which allowed you to explore the world knowing that you would have a safe base to return to. If your caregivers were not as reliable, though, it’s harder to feel that sense of safety and trust. 

We all have fundamental needs as humans. These needs are things like: 

• Knowing that you’re loved

• Knowing you won’t be abandoned

• Knowing that you’re safe

• Feeling seen and heard

• Feeling accepted 

• Knowing you’re good enough

• Knowing that your needs aren’t a burden

Often, these needs are at the root of arguments. It’s painful to feel like your partner doesn’t understand needs that feel so fundamental to you. But remember, no one can read minds. Even if it seems plain to you, it’s impossible for your partner to know what you need or expect if you don’t communicate it to them. When this feeling of frustration comes up, try to remember that underneath this feeling is an attachment need that isn’t being met. It’s easier to find a resolution when you can pinpoint where the actual distress you’re feeling is coming from. 

What can I do to increase interdependence in my relationship? 

If you’re in a codependent relationship, it’s not doomed to end poorly. Just as codependence was learned at some point, it can be unlearned. There are things you can do to help shift from a codependent dynamic to a more interdependent one. 

Take note of moments of codependence 

Codependence can become a pattern in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s permanent. We all have patterns we follow, and they can be hard to spot sometimes without self-reflection. Often, the patterns that we enact come from a place of trying to protect ourselves or cope with a tough situation. These patterns don’t always make sense for the way you’re living your life now, since the original situation has passed. It’s possible to unlearn these patterns that are no longer serving our needs though.

When you notice codependent behavior coming up, either with you or your partner, take notice of it. Try not to attach moral weight to it, because that will lead to feelings of shame. Even just noticing when it comes up can give you more insight into what your actual relationship patterns look like, and how you relate to one another.

Get to know yourself better 

To break the cycle of codependence, you’ll need to get comfortable spending time with yourself. This can seem like a nightmare scenario for a lot of people. Lots of us are trying to avoid that very thing for a reason - it’s painful sometimes to work through our baggage to get to a place where we feel comfortable in our own company. However, learning who you are, what your needs are, and what’s important to you is invaluable. When you know who you are on your own, it’s easier to continue to maintain that sense of self in a relationship. 

Some ways to get to know yourself better are journaling, mindfulness work, and tuning into your inner dialogue. Working with a therapist can help you find ways to be more mindful of the present moment and notice those times when you are trying to distract yourself or avoid your own thoughts. 

Develop interests outside of your relationship

To be interdependent in a relationship, you need to develop a sense of who you are outside of your relationships. Know that you’ve gotten to know yourself a little better, you can explore interests of your own outside your relationship simply for your own fulfillment. 

What makes you feel happy, loved, safe? What are some ways to open up your life beyond your relationship? Maybe with a hobby or a cause that is important to you. When you have your own sense of purpose outside of your relationship, it’s easier to resist those codependent urges. 

Be patient with yourself and your partner

Change doesn’t happen overnight and it’s often painful throughout the process. Don’t expect the way you relate to other people, especially romantic partners, to transform instantly. Developing a healthy sense of interdependence takes time. It takes building up trust and esteem for yourself, and proving to yourself that you can meet your own needs. Consistently showing up for your own needs gives you proof that you’re capable and are on the right track. 

In the same vein, be patient with your partner as well. Just like you, they’re learning more about their attachment needs and how to balance a healthy sense of self with a relationship. Maintaining healthy relationships isn’t something that we learn about in school, so real life practice is all we get. It’s going to take time and the more patient and understanding you can be with one another, the less distressing it will be. 

Work with a therapist

Relationships are complicated, and it can be hard to figure out new ways to relate to one another without the help of a professional. You don’t need to be at a breaking point in your relationship to seek help. Therapists are trained to help you pick up on patterns that aren’t working for you anymore and explore more helpful ways to communicate with one another. Working with a therapist can also help you find a balance of interdependence in your relationship. 

It can be hard to break old patterns, especially ones like codependence in relationships. Working with a therapist can help you recognize and change unhelpful patterns. Therapy can help teach you how to break the cycle of codependence and move toward more interdependent relationships in the future. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment. 

What Internalized Messages Do Your Still Believe About Yourself?

What’s an internalized message?

An internalized message is something we believe, unconsciously about ourselves. These messages and beliefs don’t come from within ourselves–while they may feel like undeniable qualities about ourselves, these internalized messages actually came from outside influences. They are the result of how we, as children, are able to interpret and understand the world around us, and the way we’re expected to behave in relationships. 

These messages then become core parts of our self view, how we’re unconsciously able to connect with and relate to others, how we navigate social situations and relationships, etc. These messages, when they aren’t explored and questioned, can muddle our true beliefs about ourselves, and lead us to believe we are less lovable,safe, and valued than we really are.  

So where do these internalized messages come from?

The internalized messages we have ourselves come from the foundational relationships in our lives.These would be our parents, guardians, other family members, early childhood friends, authority figures (teachees, church leaders,) etc. 

As we grow older and can understand our own and others complexities, we can start to see that while these messages came from influential people in your life, they are not always trying to communicate the message you’re understanding. What may be a normal exchange for an adult can be a foundational building block for a child. If your needs were neglected by your parents–even without malicious intent, but perhaps because of less fortunate circumstances–there’s a part of your brain as a child that takes that information and tries to understand it with what it knows. So it’s entirely possible that those negative beliefs you have about yourself are coming from that inner part of yourself that is still a child, asking for their needs to be met. 

For example: take this story, where a man internalized a fear of abandonment after his family took in a series of rescue dogs until they found “the one” that was right for their family. This series of events–while not intentionally–taught that young boy that it wasn’t safe to make quick connections with others or try to bond with them before they proved they would stick around. This of course wasn’t the family’s intention, and there were probably many factors that went into the constant shifting of the family-pet dynamic, but it’s a belief that boy learned and carried with him into adulthood because it was how he was able to understand and get through the circumstances he found himself in. 

What are common internalized messages we have about ourselves?

Unfortunately, when we internalize these messages about ourselves, we often fixate on negative messages. Things like: 

• Everyone is going to leave me

• I need to constantly prove my value so people will want to keep me around

• If I say the wrong thing, someone may stop loving me

• My body deserves to be punished/I should feel shame for my body 

• People will only love me if I can do something for them

So how can we begin to question/challenge those internalized messages?

The first step is recognition. What is it you’re believing about yourself right now? Can you identify what the message is?

From there, what is it about this moment that is making that message come up for you? Is there any evidence to support that the thought is true? (Ex. Is it really true that if you say the wrong thing, someone will stop loving you? Has the person you’re nervous about talking to given you any indication that this is true? Or is this a fear coming from somewhere else? 

If it’s coming from somewhere else, can you identify where that place is? Think on the feeling, what memories come up with it? Does the feeling you’re having right now remind you of a moment in your childhood? When is the first time you remember having this feeling?

The next step is to take that information and use it to challenge that feeling or belief or message whenever it comes up. Ask yourself: 

• Is there any information at this moment to support this negative belief I’m having about myself?

• Or is there a moment from my youth that made a “wound” that is being re-opened in this moment? 

It can be helpful to have a regular reflection process for moments like this, so you get into the habit of questioning those negative beliefs when they pop up.

Below are 8 journal prompts to help you explore and challenge the internalized messages you still have about yourself: 

1. What beliefs do I have about myself?

2. For each of those, what is the earliest memory of that belief? 

3. What feeling did it bring up as a child? How have those feelings translated into my adulthood?

4. What about this moment is pulling up that belief?

5. When is the first time I felt like this?

6. What did I need in that moment that I didn’t get?

7. Is there any evidence that my needs will be ignored or overlooked now?

8. Is there any evidence that this negative belief I have about myself is true in this new situation? 

If you’re looking for support as you work on challenging those negative internalized beliefs, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

Can I Have a Healthy Relationship with My Body Without Loving It?

If you suffer from chronic pain, the idea of body positivity might feel like asking a lot. 

It can be hard to love something that causes you severe amounts of physical pain, not to mention the emotional pain that can come with that sort of prolonged discomfort and distress. So if you’re someone who manages chronic pain, and you find yourself rolling your eyes a bit at the idea of body positivity–I get it! It’s okay and you’re definitely not alone. 

But living with chronic pain doesn’t mean you don’t deserve an emotionally healthy relationship with your body, even if that can’t be one filled with love. While it would be wonderful to get to a point where your relationship with your body is a loving one, it’s possible to have an emotionally healthy relationship, even a caring relationship, without love. Think of human social relationships–you might not love your coworker or your neighbor or your barista, but you’re likely able to at least provide them the respect and dignity they deserve, and possibly even have a positive, friendly relationship with them. You care about not being rude to them, you don’t think they are unreasonable for having boundaries, and you probably don’t think they’re shameful for asking for what they need!  

The same can be true of your body. 

The first step to getting to that emotionally healthy relationship with your body is to let go of unrealistic expectations. 

Just like with your other relationships, unfair expectations just set everyone involved up for hurt and disappointment. When you expect your friends to read your mind, you’re putting the burden of a role they’re not equipped to manage on their shoulders, and it can never end in positive feelings. The same is true of your body. When you expect your body to be able to do things like: 

• Operate at 100% every day 

• Persist through prolonged exertion or labor without breaks 

• Function without proper nourishment 

…You’re putting unrealistic expectations onto your body. No one’s body can really manage those things! And if you experience chronic pain or chronic illness of some kind, your limits are going to feel even more rigid. But it’s important for you to figure out what it is your body can reasonably handle on a given day so you can make sure you’re not asking too much of it. 

Take stock of your limits, of what different things cost you in terms of energy, pain, emotional regulation, etc. 

When you take time to notice the effect different activities or situations have on you, your body, the severity of your symptoms, etc., you’re able to better respond to those effects, preemptively plan for how you will manage an increase of symptoms, or set limits on those things. When making plans, remember to keep those limits and boundaries in mind and to be respectful of your relationship with your body. If you push it past those limits, the lack of care you show to your body’s needs will show up in that relationship through worsening pain, increased symptoms, etc. 

Remember healthy relationships are reciprocal

It’s okay if there’s a lack of love between you and your body sometimes. Not every relationship needs constant love and affection to be healthy. They do however need respect and reciprocity–which means however you treat your body is how you can expect your body to treat you.Instead of punishing your body for its needs and limits, try to respect them. Because when you punish your body, it will only turn that punishment back on you for neglecting its needs, whether that’s through increased pain or flare up of symptoms, or getting sick in some other fashion. When you notice your body’s cues and tend to them, you’re showing your body respect and care. This in turn gives you a cared for place to live and exist. 

If you’re looking for support as you heal your relationship to your body, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

4 Ways To Widen Your Window Of Tolerance

4 Ways To Widen Your Window Of Tolerance

Do you ever feel like you have a hard time coping with the ups and downs of life? 

Learning more about your window of tolerance (WoT) and how to widen it can help you feel more capable of coping with what comes your way, no matter what it is. 

What is a window of tolerance?

To recap from our blog post a few weeks ago, it’s “the window where you are able to regulate your emotions and stay grounded in the present is called your window of tolerance. In this zone, you experience a balance of hyperarousal and hypoarousal. You’re right in the sweet spot where you’re able to react rationally, regulate your emotions, and cope with what’s going on.”

Your window of tolerance is the zone where you feel most like yourself. Some call it “Wise Mind”. This zone isn’t set in stone for your whole life. There are things that happen that can narrow your window of tolerance, like attachment wounds, trauma, or abuse. It’s also possible to widen your window of tolerance, and expand your ability to regulate your emotions. 

How does your Window of Tolerance affect you?

When you’re in your window of tolerance, you feel grounded, calm, and capable of accessing your intuition and rational mind. You can be outside of your window of tolerance in two ways: hyperarousal  and hypoarousal. When you’re hyperaroused, you might feel anxious, jittery, hypervigilant, or high energy. On the other hand, when you’re hypoaroused, you might feel numb, depressed, frozen, or ashamed. 

It’s uncomfortable to be in these states of extreme stress for a long time. Your body isn’t meant to constantly be in fight, fight, freeze, or fawn mode. Physiologically, it’s not beneficial to be flooded with stress hormones all the time or to be so numb that you dissociate. When your mental state seems like it runs away without your permission, it can feel like you’re out of control, even if you’re not doing it on purpose. 

Everyone’s window of what they can tolerate is different. We’re all born differently, first of all, and so some people are just naturally able to tolerate more than others. Adverse experiences, like trauma, abuse, or neglect, also have an impact on our window of tolerance. If your window of tolerance isn’t as wide as you’d like it to be, remember that it’s not your fault. Your body and brain are doing their best to protect you, even if it’s leading to more distress down the line. The first step is noticing what’s going on, so give yourself some credit for learning more about this topic. 

Why widen your Window of Tolerance at all?

Widening your window of tolerance helps with emotional regulation. When you have a hard time tolerating emotions, emotional regulation is a ton of work. When you learn how to work within your window of tolerance and expand it, you’ll find it easier to return to a baseline that’s calm, rational, and capable. Increasing your window of tolerance also increases your resilience and reduces feelings of shame. It’s uncomfortable to feel emotionally dysregulated, and feeling out of control of yourself can lead to shame. 

Learning how to soothe yourself back into your window of tolerance teaches you that you’re more capable than you think. 

Learning where your window of tolerance is gives you more information about yourself. It can be tricky to look at your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without judgment sometimes. When you understand more about where your window of tolerance is, you’ll be able to have a deeper understanding of why you do the things you do. You can look with curiosity instead of judgment when new intense emotions come up. 

It’s beneficial to work on widening your window of tolerance. Here are 4 ways to practice:  .

Notice when you’re outside your window

The first step to widening your WoT is to notice when you are outside of it. It’s helpful to learn specifically what it feels like to you to be outside your window, whether you’re hyperaroused or hypoaroused. Being able to spot when you’re moving away from your window will help you intervene more effectively so you can get back to your regulated self. Keep track of a few tell-tale signs that you’re outside your window. Maybe you notice your breathing picks up or you feel tension in your stomach. Maybe you start to feel numb or disconnected from yourself. Understanding your own patterns will help you figure out what to do next. 

Once you’ve spotted that you’re outside of your window of tolerance, you can use your skills to return there. It’s helpful to have a number of coping skills to choose from so if one isn’t working or you feel you need more support you have options. Working with a therapist can help you learn and practice coping skills that will support you in returning to your baseline instead of fight or flight. 

Practice mindfulness

When you’re outside your WoT, it can feel like your brain is running away from you, either all fired up or off to shut down. Either way, when you’re outside of your window of tolerance, you’re often not focused on the present moment. Other things get in the way, and it can take a conscious choice to return back to the present moment. 

A powerful way to move back to your window of tolerance is to practice mindfulness. This can be a grounding practice, deep breathing, meditation, movement - anything that moves your thoughts away from the stress and toward what is happening in the present moment. 

Let yourself be uncomfortable

It doesn’t feel good to be outside your window of tolerance. Our brains don’t like to be uncomfortable, so often they will do anything to distract us from the discomfort. However, to widen your window of tolerance, you’ll need to practice being comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

It can be hard to remember that all feelings are temporary when you’re in the middle of an intense emotional reaction. Try to remind yourself that what you’re feeling will pass. It might be helpful to remind yourself that you have coping skills that you can use to help you feel better when you’re done with the uncomfortable feeling. The more practice you give yourself with these painful feelings, the more you will see that you are able to cope more effectively than you think. 

Be a safe place for yourself

When you’ve lived for so long in a state of stress or arousal, it can feel like everything, including your own thoughts, is unsafe. Do what you can to suspend judgment for yourself. It’s no fun being judged, especially by yourself. When you practice self compassion, you show yourself that you’re safe. Your brain is really smart - it picks up on what your beliefs about yourself are, even if they’re unconscious. Think about it - do you respond well to harsh criticism, threats, and insults? Probably not. It’s way more motivating to be curious and compassionate about where you’re coming from. 

Are you looking for more ways to widen your window of tolerance? Working with a therapist can give you more ways to regulate your emotions and feel like your old self again. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

Quieting Your Inner Critic by Living your Values

Do you know what your values are?

Values are our roadmaps to meaningful and fulfilling lives. They tell us what is most important to us, within ourselves, within our environments, and within our relationships. They are unique to everyone; while you may have values in common with others, your personal values will be specific to you. 

And they might even shift! Values aren’t necessarily written in stone. Many unexpected changes come in life, and as you grow the things that are important to you may shift, so it’s good to check in with your values every now and then. (A good sign that you need to do this is if you frequently feel regretful or unfulfilled after making choices, even when they align with your values!)

Some common examples of values are:

• Honesty

• Kindness

• Loyalty

• Compassion 

• Integrity

• Generosity

• Courage

• Open mindedness

• Self reliance

• Curiosity

• Empathy

• Resilience 

This is by no means an exhaustive list–it’s just a few examples of common values to get you started brainstorming your own. There are many ways you can take time to explore and uncover your values; you can take the above list as a jumping off point to make your own, or you can do some thinking or journaling exercises that can help you reflect on how you’ve followed (or not) your values in the past. 

What can your values do for you?

Values are your roadmap to how to live the life you want. Just taking time to think about them helps you learn more about yourself and understand yourself a little bit better. This can benefit not just you, but your relationships too! 

Getting clear on your values helps you understand yourself more, so you can show up more fully and authentically in your relationships, and it can also give you a foundation of understanding for when someone makes a choice you wouldn’t make or can’t understand. When you are guided by your values, you can understand that your values are different from theirs, so while that decision wouldn’t be in line with your life, it may make sense for them. 

It can also help you take things less personally too–if someone does something that feels like it disregards your feelings, it might not actually be about you! 

Of course, it’s still good to communicate your feelings, so that they can know their actions had an impact, but it’s helpful to understand that even though we might have been hurt or upset by something, the decision wasn’t made with that in mind.

Beyond this, values help us feel confident in our decisions and quiet our inner critic. 

Your inner critic is that voice in your head telling you that you’re not doing things right or that you’re not good enough. This voice puts you down, demeans you, and can make you question your judgment or decision making and doubt yourself–if you can’t do anything right, how can you know that you can trust your decisions?

This is where your values come into play!

When you make decisions based on your values you don’t have to question whether you’re making the right decision or not. You take the information available to you and instead making decisions based on what you think other people want you to do or what the “right” decision is, you can see what next step is most in line with your values, and choose that. You’ve made the decision that aligns with your vision & goals for your life, so you can be confident in it

That confidence can quiet your inner critic. 

When you live life and make decisions in alignment with your values, it is harder to find things to criticize about yourself! Making decisions by values takes morality out of our choices, you’re no longer asking “which choice is right?” you’re asking “which choice aligns most with my values?” 

In doing that, you take away the possibility of a “wrong” or “bad” choice. You’ve made the choice that aligns with your values, and that means it’s a step on the path toward the life you’d like to live! Even if there is an unforeseen obstacle, that doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong choice, it just means you have to consider your values to find the best solution. 

If you’re interested in learning more ways to get clear on your values, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

Have you ever felt like your emotions were out of control?

One of the most frustrating experiences in life is when your emotions feel out of control and you’re not sure why. It can make you feel disconnected from yourself and unsure of how to feel better. One way to understand what’s happening when your emotions feel out of control is to understand the window of tolerance model, developed by Dr. Dan Siegel. This model helps explain the different zones of functioning we all experience, and how we can work to more effectively regulate our emotions. 

Why do my emotions feel out of control? 

It can be scary or frustrating when your emotions don’t seem to match up with what’s happening in real life. This can happen for a number of reasons. Sometimes, people have a tough time regulating their emotions or connecting with them at all. It can be scary to feel intense emotions, 

Sometimes, we have an intense reaction to something and it’s not always clear why. 

It can be hard to remain grounded in the present moment when you’ve experienced trauma. Traumatic memories can be brought on by seemingly harmless triggers, and research shows that our brains don’t know the difference between something happening in the present and recalling a traumatic memory. Even if you rationally know that your trauma is not happening in the present, your brain can’t tell the difference, which can cause extraordinary distress. 

One way to help understand what’s happening when your emotions feel out of control is through the window of tolerance model. 

We all have ranges, or windows, of what we’re able to tolerate psychologically. In some states of mind, we’re better able to cope and regulate our emotions than others. 

The window where you are able to regulate your emotions and stay grounded in the present is called your window of tolerance. In this zone, you experience a balance of hyperarousal and hypoarousal. You’re right in the sweet spot where you’re able to react rationally, regulate your emotions, and cope with what’s going on. If you’ve heard of the fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses, that may help you visualize what happens in the different states of arousal. 

Visualizing your window of tolerance

Imagine a thermometer. One of the old school kinds, with a mercury reservoir at the bottom. This thermometer represents  our ability to regulate our emotions.  At the top, we have hyperarousal, in the middle is your window of tolerance, and down at the bottom is hypoarousal. 

What does it feel like outside my window of tolerance?

Hyperarousal is a state where anxiety, racing thoughts, panic, or hypervigilance have taken over. Hyperarousal is also known as the fight or flight response, where our nervous systems give us a boost of energy to flee or fight in the face of a threat. It used to come in really handy when we were hunter-gatherers, but in modern times it can cause a lot of distress. 

Hypoarousal, on the other hand, is a state of numbness, dissociation, and disconnection. You may know it as the “freeze” response, which causes you to surrender or shut down. This response is also automatic, from our nervous system when we face a threat of some kind. When you’re in this state, you might feel numb, zoned out, or depressed. You might experience dissociation or feel like you’re not present in your own body. 

What does it feel like in my window of tolerance? 

The middle section is the window of tolerance - the state where we’re better able to cope. When we’re in our window of tolerance, it’s easier for us to process intense emotional situations. You’re more easily able to access your rational side, which can help with emotional processing and decision making. When you’re in your window of tolerance, you feel calm, alert, relaxed and capable of handling what comes your way. You feel more capable of engaging with others socially or making decisions. You feel at ease instead of on edge, and energized instead of drained. 

Moving toward your window of tolerance

Once you recognize that you’re outside of your window of tolerance, you can start taking steps to move toward that more regulated state of mind. If you’re hypoaroused, there are things you can do to increase your state of arousal so you move away from the feelings of numbness and toward feeling like yourself again. The same is true if you’re hyperaroused - there are coping skills you can use to decrease your level of arousal so you feel less panicked and out of control. 

Learning how to regulate your emotions can take practice. Working with a therapist can help you take a look at your emotional responses and figure out new ways to cope that better support you and your mental health. Get in touch with our office today to get started working with an expert therapist. 

How to Make the Most of Your Time Between Sessions

Therapy can be a powerfully transformative process and an integral part of our support system, but going to therapy isn’t where the work starts and ends. In session, you’re able to do deep emotional work and get tools to help support you while you’re out of session, but that out of session work is just as important as what you do while you’re there with your therapist! 

It’s in that time outside of your usual session that you get to see how you’re able to apply the tools you’re developing with your therapist, how well you’re able to navigate obstacles, and how your progress looks out in your daily life! 

So how can you make the most out of the time between your therapy sessions?

Well first, remember it will be different for everyone. What helps you and your healing might not help someone else. And, what helps you one day may not be helpful the next. It’s important to not just get in a routine so you’re checking things off of your “mental health to do” list, but actually engage with how you’re feeling after your session and during the time between in order to do the most impactful work! 

For example,  some sessions may be helping you connect patterns to better understand your behavior or work to prepare for big changes in your life.  After those types of sessions, you might be ready to take some risks and push your boundaries. That can be a good way to take intentional steps forward with your progress! Other sessions may be heavier than, they may feel like you slow way down and dive deep into just one thing. After those sessions, taking big steps would probably be taking on too much too soon. You need time for reflection and emotional processing, too, so there are other things you can do between those types of sessions. 

Here are a few ideas of what you can do to make the most of your time between therapy sessions: 

Journal + Reflect: 

What did you talk about in the session? How did you feel while you were talking about it? Were you uncomfortable? Did you hold anything back? Write about all of these things, write about what you chose not to talk about and why, what your therapist helped you understand, what you wish you had time to talk about, how you think you’ll see your newfound insights show up throughout the week, etc. This can be a good practice to do just after the session so you can reflect, and then keep notes on things you notice throughout the week to bring back to your next session. 

Take one small risk: 

Or take one action that supports what you and your therapist were talking about in session. Is there a conversation you’ve been dreading? Can you initiate it? Is there something new you’ve wanted to try but haven’t? Think about what’s been coming up over and over in session, and see if you can come up with a small action to support it. 

Be proud of yourself: 

Keep a running list of things you notice between sessions that you handle well, that you’re proud of yourself for, etc. What came up this week that showed you how far you’ve come? When did you wish you had more support? 

Let yourself be present: 

While self reflection is good, and doing it between sessions is important so you can continue to see the work you’ve done in therapy show up in your day to day life, you don’t want to get so caught up in your own head that you’re unable to be present. Too much self-analyzing isn’t helpful! It’s also important to just let yourself be present in your life. While your healing is important, part of that is allowing you to exist without doing any work to “earn” it. Let yourself enjoy your day and see a friend without putting every action under a microscope. 

Are you looking for more ways to support yourself both in and out of session? Working with us can help you learn more about yourself and your patterns so you can make changes if you want to. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

5 Ideas for Starting a Self-Development Practice

5 Ideas for Starting a Self-Development Practice

Are you someone who likes to improve yourself?

We all like to think that we’re the best versions of ourselves. Life is full of lessons, and as humans we’re always learning and changing. What was important to you 6 years ago is probably different from what was important to you 6 months ago. Our values shift, we gain more experiences in the world, and we learn more about ourselves along the way. Change happens naturally, but there are also times when people actively seek out changes in their lives in a self-development practice.

Life would be pretty boring if everything stayed the same forever. Wanting to work on self-development or improve yourself doesn’t mean that you’re not happy with where your life is right now. Sometimes that’s the case for people, but often people decide to work on themselves because they love and value who they are and want the best for themselves. 

When going down the road of self-development, it can be tempting to compare yourself to everyone else.

There’s always going to be someone who seems like they’re doing everything better than you - work, family, friends, romance, hobbies. Remember that what you’re seeing is the highlight reel. Most people hide the tricky parts of life on social media, so everything looks super easy and simple. Real life is complicated, and it’s okay. You don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else, even when you’re working on self-development. 

To help you avoid the comparison trap, try to keep in mind why you’re working on self-development. What is your goal? Working on yourself can help you:

• Learn new things

• Have new experiences

• Meet new people

• Live out your values

• Break bad habits

• Change the way you relate to people

• Work on regulating your emotions

Wanting to improve doesn’t mean you didn’t like who you were before. It can mean that you want to give yourself new experiences, you believe in your abilities, or even that someone inspired you to do things differently. Whatever your reasons, There are some simple steps you can take to start a self-development practice. 

Here are 5 suggestions for how you can start a self-development practice for yourself: 

Read as much as you can

Making time for reading can be a tall order these days, but reading is a major way to learn new things. With reading, you can experience different points of view, explore new concepts, and give your brain something to do besides endless scrolling. Whether you like to read books, magazines, newspapers, ereaders, articles, or something else, there’s something out there for you. When you spend more time reading, you also have less time to spend on things like social media or a Netflix binge. 

Be accountable for harm you cause

We all cause harm. We all make mistakes. That’s a part of life! We don’t all learn how to be accountable for the harm we cause, though. It’s tough to admit to yourself that you hurt someone or caused harm somewhere. Pretending it didn’t happen doesn’t help anyone, though. 

When a situation comes up where you don’t react the way you want to, own up to it. Apologize if you need to. Make a plan for how you’re going to prevent it from happening again. It’s hard to do this, but it gets easier with practice. It also gets easier when you remind yourself that even when you cause harm, you are still worthy, valuable, and lovable as a person. Doing harm isn’t great, but it doesn’t negate everything else that you are either. We all cause harm at some point or another, so try to lead with compassion, even for yourself. 

Practice self-soothing

Lots of us don’t learn how to make ourselves feel better in effective ways until fairly late in life. We all have moments where we’re in distress, but in those moments it is tough to know what will actually make us feel better. Teaching yourself how to self-soothe is a skill that will pay off over and over. 

There are tons of ways to self-soothe. Some people find movement really soothing. Others like to practice grounding techniques or use DBT skills to manage distress. Therapy can help teach you different ways to cope when you’re feeling distressed which you can then take with you into your everyday life and use as needed. 

Make time for rest

We all need to rest, and we often don’t make time for it until we’re totally burned out. Sleep makes a huge difference, but sleep isn’t the only type of rest there is. Taking time where you’er truly not doing anything is just as important as getting enough sleep. When you’re not getting enough sleep, your body and brain don’t have the chance to repair themselves and process things. When you don't’ make enough time for rest, you set yourself up for burnout and stress.

Practice self reflection

Part of improving yourself is being honest with yourself when things aren’t working. If there are habits or patterns that are no longer working for you, it can be hard to admit that you need to make a change. However, remaining in denial just means that you’re going to be stuck in the same patterns. It’s okay to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that things aren’t exactly how you want them to be right now. This can also give you a chance to explore 

Are you looking for more ways to improve yourself? Working with a therapist can help you learn more about yourself and your patterns so you can make changes if you want to. Get in touch with our office today to get started.