5 Strategies for Overcoming Social Anxiety at Holiday Gatherings

Do you look forward to holiday gatherings, or do you await them with dread? 

The holidays can be a time of mixed emotions for many. Even when there are things to look forward to, the social pressure of the holiday season can be overwhelming. People who deal with social anxiety often have a hard time during the holidays because there are so many gatherings and events during the holiday season between work, family, friends, and kids. The fear, discomfort, and stress that people with social anxiety feel around social gatherings can make the holiday season an uncomfortable time of year. 

Even when you don’t have a lot on your calendar for the holidays, social anxiety can still play a role. It can be hard to see what others are up to on social media, and seeing others have a seemingly perfect holiday can bring up some complicated feelings. Even though we’re only seeing the highlight reel, it can be hard to keep that in mind when you’re feeling vulnerable. Remember that social media makes other people’s lives seem perfect, but they aren’t actually perfect.

What is social anxiety?

Social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia, is more than just being shy. In fact, it’s possible to be shy and not have social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety disorder significantly interferes with daily life because the discomfort and fear that people feel often drives them to avoid social situations entirely. 

People with social anxiety may feel like they’re physically unable to participate in social situations due to the intense fear, embarrassment, and anxiety they feel. For many people with social anxiety, it’s easier to not attend at all than to go and experience all of this distress. 

So, how can you make sure social anxiety doesn’t get in the way of enjoying events you attend during the holiday season? Here are 5 strategies for overcoming social anxiety at holiday gatherings:

Get there early

If you’re nervous about a gathering over the holidays, try to get there on the earlier side. There will be fewer people there and you can get used to the environment without being overwhelmed by people all at once. It's less stressful to walk into a mostly empty room than to walk into a packed gathering. It might also be helpful to bring someone with you so that you know you’ll have a friendly face to talk to who understands your limits. 

Remember you’re allowed to have different limits than other people

Social anxiety disorder is a very real condition, but not everyone understands it. Some people might give you a hard time for not being able to handle a packed social calendar during the holiday season. Remember that it’s okay for your limits to be different from someone else’s. Just because some people enjoy the bustle of the holiday season doesn’t mean that you need to. 

You're allowed to have different boundaries and needs from others, even people you care about deeply. If you’re feeling unsure or pressured, keep reminding yourself that it’s okay for your holiday season to look different than someone else’s, because we all have different needs and capacities. 

Give yourself a hard out for gatherings you’re dreading

If you’re dreading events this holiday season because of social anxiety, giving yourself some structure can help. Sometimes events are more palatable when you have a built in reason to leave at a certain time. Maybe you need to relieve the babysitter or the pet sitter. Maybe you have a meeting or an appointment, or errands to run. Try to think of something you can do to give yourself a reason to bow out of the holiday gathering 

Think of some things to talk about beforehand

If you’re not confident in your ability to small talk, there's no shame in taking a few minutes to gather your thoughts and make a list of potential conversation topics. Sometimes it’s hard to remember the answers to questions that you know because your anxiety gets in the way of thinking clearly, so rehearsing beforehand can lower your anxiety level. You don’t need to endlessly practice or ruminate on what you’ll talk about, but having some things in mind can make you feel more confident going into a holiday gathering when you have social anxiety. 

Have a couple go-to calming techniques in your back pocket

It's helpful to practice a few coping behaviors ahead of time so you can quickly use them when you’re overwhelmed in a social situation. Excuse yourself to the bathroom, and take a few deep breaths or practice progressive muscle relaxation to lower your anxiety level in the moment. Keep a list on your phone so you have easy access when you’re not home, and add to it when you find new calming techniques that work well for you. 

Remember, the holiday season doesn’t last forever, even though it seems endless when you’re dreading it. If you’re struggling with social anxiety this holiday season, working with a therapist can help. Contact our office today to make an appointment!

Masking: What It Is and How It Shows Up

Do you know what masking is?

“Masking” is a term that refers to the process of suppressing your natural behaviors in order to blend in with those around you. It’s a self preservation technique for neurodivergent people, where they work to mimic the behaviors of neurotypical people around them in order to both fit in and avoid punishment for not blending in. 

For folks on the autism spectrum, they often learn through harsh, negative, even possibly traumatic feedback from those around them that they’re behaviors are seen as annoying, inappropriate, or unwelcome in some way. Masking is the attempt to fit in without punishment or ridicule, by hiding the unpalatable of “difficult” parts of yourself. Because so many social rules are unspoken, neurodivergent folks, particularly folks on the autism spectrum, may need to rely on mimicking the behavior of the people around them in hopes of not violating those social rules when it isn’t clear what they are.  

Masking might be so ingrained in the way someone behaves that they don’t even realize they’re doing it. Things like forcing yourself to make eye contact, even when it’s naturally very distressing, or clenching your hands in fists in your pockets to avoid fidgeting or stimming in some way are both common examples of how masking shows up. Some people don’t realize that they are masking their behaviors, they just have a persistent feeling that they are constantly trying and failing to meet uncommunicated expectations. 

The habit of masking is a survival habit in a way–because so many behaviors associated with neurodivergence are stigmatized, and due to the ableism built into our culture, neurodivergent folks may find it necessary to mask in order to avoid bullying or harassment or even discrimination. 

While masking can make it look like folks are adapting to the expectations of different settings, all that is really happening is certain people are learning to suppress parts of themselves. It’s motivated by fear and shame and a desire to avoid isolation. Because of this, folks on the spectrum can start to feel as though they are the issue, rather than our culture’s unwillingness to make space for them. It can start to feel as though people are overly burdened by your own natural and soothing behaviors, which causes you to suppress them, to feel shame about them, and consequently to feel shame about yourself. Folks who mask experience higher levels of stress, increased anxiety, increased depression, and have higher rates of suicidal thoughts than they’re neurotypical peers. There is also significant emotional burnout that comes from masking, leaving little to no energy for anything other than trying to be “normal.”

Masking also presents a unique challenge when it comes to recognizing and diagnosing ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and ADHD (attention hyper deficit disorder) in young girls and women. It’s not that young girls aren’t neurodivergent, but the way they’re socialized makes it harder to recognize the traditional criteria in their behavior.  

For example, being hyper aware of their body and expectations of how they should act is something frequently socialized into girls, so how can you distinguish masking and the pressures of a patriarchal society?

Adding race in also complicates the ability to recognize traditional criteria. Just as women are required to make themselves small in our culture; people of color often feel required to make themselves palatable for their white peers. Black women have to be composed in all situations or they’re labeled the Angry Black Woman and if Black men are loud or large, they’re labeled dangerous. 

The diagnostic criteria for ASD and ADHD was modeled after young white men, and didn’t take sexist or racist social factors into account. ADHD, ASD, and other neurodevelopmental conditions often look different in girls or women and go unrecognized by clinicians. 

Here at Hope +Wellness we test all people but one of our specialties is in testing girls and women. We are here to help you with this — many of the individuals we test are women who have experienced many years of symptoms going unrecognized, undiagnosed, untreated, and all the associated emotional impacts — looking for answers and relief.

Take a look at our testing & evaluation services if you’re looking for support!

Dealing With Negative Emotions: 7 Blogs to read When You’re Feeling Something Uncomfortable

Do you know what to do when you feel a negative or uncomfortable emotion? 

Life would be a lot easier if we were born knowing how to deal with uncomfortable, distressing, or unpleasant emotions, but coping with negative emotions is something we need to learn along the way. 

Dealing with negative emotions is one of the most common topics that we discuss in therapy. Negative emotions feel just like they sound - negative, and as humans we often struggle to balance negative feelings with positive ones. We will often do whatever we can to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions, but sometimes the things we do to avoid or end those painful feelings lead to more problems. 

Avoiding feelings never actually makes them go away, it just pushes them off until a later time (and you often don’t get to choose when they come out). Trying to distract yourself from painful emotions with things like substances or risky behaviors might feel better in the moment, but there’s nothing that you can do to avoid negative emotions forever.

Finding ways to cope with negative emotions can help you reduce your distress level, improve your relationships, and help you feel more confident in dealing with whatever comes your way, because you know you can handle it.  

Dealing with distressing emotions in a healthy way takes practice. Learn where to start with these 7 posts about dealing with negative emotions: 

Shame is often a difficult emotion to cope with. 

“Unlike guilt, which is based on something you did or didn’t do, shame comes from the belief that there is something wrong with you. We aren’t born feeling shame, but we learn it based on our surroundings. Shame can be learned from experiences with others and from the culture we grow up in. Some psychologists believe that we developed shame as an emotion because we’re social animals. Without shame, some people might not follow laws or cultural norms. While sometimes shame is helpful, it can often spiral out of control.”

Here are 3 ways to start working through shame.

Do you know what to do when you feel angry?

“Anger is a normal emotion. We all feel it from time to time. Like all emotions, it comes and it goes, and doesn’t last forever when we allow ourselves to feel it (versus repressing it). When any emotion comes up, we can notice it and find ways to cope with that emotion. Part of the experience of an emotion is sitting through it - there’s really no way around experiencing the emotion if you want to move forward from it. Think of other emotions you feel. When you’re sad, you might cry, or cuddle a pet, or take a nap. Those are all safe ways to cope with sadness. There are options for you to express anger in safe ways too.”

Explore safe ways to express your anger here.

Do you struggle to cope with feeling lonely?

“Remember, you don’t have to actually be socially isolated to feel lonely. You can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. Often, loneliness isn’t actually about not having people in your life, but not having strong connections to the people in your life. We all like to feel seen and like we matter to other people. When you don’t have a lot of people who you can connect with in a real way, it can feel like no one understands you. Loneliness has a serious impact on our lives, but there are things you can do to cope with loneliness and to minimize its effects.”

Read about what you can do when you're feeling lonely.

Sometimes we go through periods where life feels meaningless. 

“When life feels meaningless, it can be scary. You might feel like there is something wrong with you for feeling like you aren’t sure what it all means. You might wish you could go back to how things were before you started questioning everything.

It’s normal to have questions about what your purpose is to wonder about greater meaning. We all go through times where we question if we’re on the right path or where we come to a realization or go through an experience that changes our worldview.”

Here’s what you can do when life feels meaningless. 

Is being disliked something you worry about?

“One thing we don’t talk a lot about as a culture is being okay with being disliked. It often feels painful or shocking to realize that someone doesn’t like you, mostly because the default expectation is that people will like us. When you know that someone doesn’t like you, it can be confusing to deal with them in a way that doesn’t leave you frustrated or questioning your self worth.”

Here are 4 suggestions for ways to deal with being disliked by others.

You might feel uncomfortable when you make a mistake, but it doesn’t make you a bad person.  

“Everyone has done something that they’re not proud of or that they’d do differently if they had a chance. If you feel an intense wave of self loathing when you make mistakes, you might be dealing with some perfectionistic tendencies. While being perfect sounds fine on the surface, in reality it’s impossible, so expecting perfection is just setting yourself up for failure. Instead of setting yourself up to fail, remember that you’re human. You’re going to get it wrong sometimes. Even when that happens, you’re going to be okay. Mistakes don’t need to define you, especially when you use them as a learning opportunity.”

Consider these options next time you make a mistake. 

Do you spend a lot of time thinking about things you regret?

“Regret, when dealt with mindfully, is a sign of growth. If you’re looking back on an old situation and seeing new, better ways to handle your role in it, that means you’ve done some personal growth between then and now. You’ve matured, gotten to know yourself a little better, and now you can see that you had other options you didn’t see when you were in the moment.”

Here's how to cope with regret without letting it take over.

Are you looking for more support in dealing with uncomfortable emotions? Working with a therapist can help you find new ways to deal with distress and regulate your emotions, even when they’re uncomfortable. Contact us today to learn more about getting started.

4 Best Practices for Fact Checking #InstaTherapy Content

Mental health is a popular topic on social media. 

And because mental health care can often be inaccessible for a number of reasons (finances, insurance barriers, location, family/community culture, etc.) that can be a great thing–talking about mental health openly can help to destigmatize the need for care, and to normalize the idea that we all have things to work on. 

But there are a few dangers to relying on social media exclusively for mental health care:

1. You don’t get the full therapy experience, which needs a relationship in which to provide space for healing

2. There’s no factual requirement for posting on social media–meaning the mental health information you’re getting, might not be accurate. 

That doesn’t mean there’s no good information out there on social media–Hope+Wellness is on Instagram where we share bite sized posts from topics we’ve covered on the blog, and we follow plenty of other mental health professionals on that platform who are doing great work! It just means you need to have a bit of care when taking in content related to mental health. 

So what can you do to vet how reliable a mental health resource is on social media?

First ask: Who is the source of this information? 

What are their qualifications? Are they a licensed provider? Are they actively practicing? Is their license bound to any sort of ethics board?

Qualified resources will have their credentials listed publicly. Their qualifications/license type should be either: 

1. Listed in their account bio 

2. Stated clearly on the website linked in their account bio

If you can’t find credentials listed in their account bio, click over to their website to check the home and about pages. Credentials should be easy to find and where you expect them to be–if they are hidden away somewhere that you have to dig for, that’s a warning sign. 

Next: Is what they’re sharing within their scope of practice?

What sort of mental health professional are they? What is their area of expertise and scope of practice? Is the information they are sharing within that scope–or is it unrelated to what they are professionally qualified for? 

For example, mental health professionals shouldn’t be giving the advice of a primary care doctor and vice versa. 

Qualified mental health care professionals should also be making it clear on their profiles that their online presence is intended as therapeutic education, not a replacement for the treatment they offer or a method of seeking diagnosis.  

Check the comments:

While this isn’t always helpful, it’s good to do a quick glance through comments of popular mental health content on social media. If others in the industry are disputing the information in the comments, that’s a good sign to proceed with caution; look up what’s being shared and read more information on it from reputable sources. 

Check in: do they get specific about clients?

Talking about common concerns from the general clients or population they see is one thing–that can be helpful in destigmatizing care or addressing misconceptions, etc. But no mental health professional should be describing their client cases or bragging about their client successes as a way to prove their legitimacy. 

If you’re questioning how specific they are, consider if the person they were talking about found the content; would they be able to identify themselves as the subject of the content? If so–it’s too specific, and actually a HIPAA violation. That’s a big red warning sign that they aren’t considering how their ethical practices need to be translated to social media! 

Keep these best practices in mind when engaging with mental health content on social media: 

• Be selective with who you follow: take your time to check their credentials and make sure they’re creating content within the scope of their practice

• Consider each post on it’s own–don’t just assume something is factual because it’s from a source you followed 

• Use information shared as a jumping off point; go further with resources they provide or begin to look into the topic from other reputable and reliable sources 

• Bring up anything you’re unsure about with your therapist! 

If you’re looking for support in the process of finding a therapist, contact us and we can help personally match you to a therapist based on your needs. 

How to Be Okay With Saying No

Do you have a hard time saying no to others?

Saying no is an important skill, but it’s not always easy. If you struggle with saying no to people in your life, whether it’s your family, friends, or people at work, you’re not alone. 

Many people struggle to say no because they fear hurting others or they feel confident in saying no. It’s okay to say no, and learning how to say no is a skill that you can learn at any stage of life, even if you’ve struggled with it in the past. 

Why saying no is hard 

Saying no often makes people feel like they’re letting someone down or being selfish. 

Many folks struggle with people pleasing and the guilt that comes with having to tell someone something they don’t want to hear. 

It’s impossible to get through life without hurting someone else’s feelings. Living in community with other people means that at some point, there will be tension. Trying to not hurt anyone’s feelings at the expense of your own builds resentments and can take a toll on your relationships. 

It’s hard to set boundaries and say no if you never saw anyone do that as you were growing up. Many of us grew up mirroring our parents who never said no or set boundaries, no matter what the consequences. There are also some situations  like in abusive relationships, where people feel like they can’t say no or face serious consequences or danger. 

Whatever the reason, it makes sense that saying no is hard. You’re not a bad person if you have a hard time saying no - you’re actually in the same boat with a lot of other people! However, if you don’t say no to things sometimes, you'll find yourself burned out and resentful of the people in your life who ask so much of you. 

The benefits of saying no

It takes time to be okay with saying no, but there are a lot of benefits of learning this skill. Saying no can help you: 

• Establish boundaries

• Increase self-confidence and self-compassion

• Manage stress

• Lessen resentment and regret which overall improves relationships 

• Reach your goals by focusing on your needs instead of everyone else’s 

It can be hard to break out of a pattern where you feel like you can’t ever say no, even to honor your own boundaries. Here are some tips to help you feel comfortable and confident saying no. 

Get to know what a “no” feels like for you

Do you know what it feels like to say no in your body? Try to explore what it feels like in your mind and body when you say no to someone you care about. Do you have a gut feeling, or does it take time to sort out what you feel? Where do you feel the “no” in your body? Some people experience tightness in the chest or throat, upset stomach, or muscle tension. 

When decisions come up in the future, and you feel the sensations that you know are associated with a “no” for you, you’ll be able to recognize it. It will be easier to let people know what your answer is when you actually know it yourself. 

Consider yourself just as much as you consider others

This doesn’t mean you’re selfish! It just means that you consider your mental health, your energy levels, your values, on the same level that you consider others. For people who struggle with saying no, remember that you are allowed to prioritize your own needs the way you prioritize the needs of others. It can feel weird at first, and people who are used to you saying yes may struggle with new boundaries, but that doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong. 

Understand your values

When you know what your values are, it’s easier to make decisions. Your values help you decide what is important to you and why, and knowing this information about yourself helps you feel confident in your choices. It will be easier to say no when you are asked to do something that goes against your values when you understand what your values are. Getting clear on your values will help quiet your inner critic, increase happiness, and live a life that you’re proud of, even when you have to say no to people sometimes. 

Be clear and kind

Sometimes it seems nicer to try to soften the conversation by not saying no directly, and instead saying “Maybe” or “I’m not sure” when you really mean know. It’s absolutely okay to ask for more time to make a decision, but if you know the answer is no, it can be confusing and stress-provoking to say one thing and mean another. Being honest is kind, and being clear about what you mean can lead to fewer misunderstandings and hurt feelings. 

Start small

Being comfortable with saying no takes practice. You don’t have to start with saying no to something big or emotional - you can start smaller and build up to a big no over time. As you get more practice, you’ll feel more comfortable standing firm in your decisions and saying no when you need to. 

Do you have a hard time saying no? Working with a therapist can help you explore the reasons behind what’s going on and help you find ways to practice saying no in a judgment-free safe space. Send us a message today to get started!

I Hurt My Friend's Feelings, What Do I Do Now?

Hurt feelings are never an easy thing to navigate in a relationship, especially in an intimate relationship of any kind–whether that’s a romantic relationship, a sibling, a close friend, etc. And while we’ve touched on how to let someone know they’ve hurt your feelings, we haven’t yet explored what you should do if you’re the one who hurt your loved ones feelings. 

As you navigate your response, try to keep a few things in mind: 

All relationships have conflict. 

We can only avoid conflict by avoiding our true feelings in a relationship, so it’s not necessarily a sign that the relationship is a bad one. And hurting someone’s feelings doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. We’re all wounded and trying our best, and sometimes we misstep. 

It was brave for your loved one to tell you that their feelings were hurt. 

While it’s completely understandable for your own feelings to smart when you hear they’ve felt hurt by you, try to remember they’re being vulnerable with you because they trust the relationship can survive the conflict. Which brings us to the third reminder…

Taking time to talk to you about their hurt feelings is a sign that your relationship means a lot to your friend or loved one, not the other way around. 

If they didn’t care about your relationship, working toward repair for a stronger relationship wouldn’t matter. While it can feel like they’re upset at you when you’re getting through this, hold that security close when you feel vulnerable, and remind yourself that working through this is the goal for both of you. 

With those reminders in mind, here are three things you can do when you’ve hurt a loved ones feelings: 

Work to understand before saying your piece: 

Give your loved one space to explain why their feelings are hurt. What was it that you said or did that hurt them? What was happening in that moment for them? Rather than jumping right into what it was you intended, let them share with you how they experienced the situation. When you understand what was happening for them, you can more clearly understand the impact of your own behavior. Remember, they’re being very vulnerable with you. Give them space to say what they need and really try to hear them before saying your piece. 

When it is your turn, explain don’t defend: 

Everyone accidentally hurts their friend’s or loved ones from time to time. We’re all working through our own wounds and communication blocks, so misunderstandings are common–especially in close relationships where your most vulnerable insecurities are more prone to be triggered. 

Instead of getting defensive over the intention of your words, trust that your friend knows you didn’t intend to hurt them–they probably wouldn’t be vulnerable enough to share their feelings with someone they thought wanted to hurt them. It’s fine to explain how you were experiencing the situation simply, without blaming them for misunderstanding, but understand that your intentions for an interaction might not match the impact of your behavior within that interaction. It’s important to apologize for how your words or behavior were actually received if it didn’t line up with how you intended them.  

Figure out what to do if something like this comes up again: 

What makes you feel safe being vulnerable with one another? What was it exactly that brought this conflict up? How can you be mindful of what you’ve learned about one another as you go forward in your relationship? Present conflicts often dig at old wounds, so if you can work together to understand where the root of the pain is coming from, you can work together to avoid this sort of conflict or hurt feelings in the future. 

Do you struggle to communicate when someone lets you know that you’ve hurt their feelings? We can help support you. Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians! 

Why is Making Friends as an Adult so Hard? + What to Do About It

We’ve talked a bit before about what’s being called a loneliness epidemic in America–how people are having trouble right now not only making friends but keeping friends. And loneliness has real impacts on both our mental and our physical health. And according to this, loneliness puts a person at: 

• A 29% increased risk of heart disease 

• a 32% increased risk of stroke

• a 50% increased risk of developing dementia for older adults

• an elevated mortality risk that is similar to smoking 15 cigarettes a day

Knowing how important having a wealth of relationships is our to our health and happiness, why is it so hard to make friends?

There are a lot of reasons it’s so hard to make friends, especially as an adult. With the COVID pandemic, there was a necessary increase in self isolating habits. With various waves of quarantining and learning to stay distant and masked from others in public, to be more discerning of where you went to be conscientious of health risks to ourselves and others, it’s no wonder we’re all a little lonelier. Especially college students and other young adults who were entering major transitional periods in their lives when the pandemic hit, well known paths to creating relationships were suddenly unsafe or unavailable. 

But the pandemic isn’t the only cause for the lack of friendships in our lives. Other reasons can include things like: 

Financial restraints: 

While the pandemic has brought out a new wave of mutual aid and community resources, when it comes to public spaces most of the time it’s pay to stay. It’s hard to go out and find a place outside of your house where people can just be. And while there may be a thriving arts and culture scene in your city or town, you might not be able to afford to go to the events that exist on a regular enough basis to meet people and befriend them. 

Young adulthood is also a time when people frequently move for work–when you’re freshly graduated or new to a field, you have to go where you can get work! But moving itself is a huge cost, and that means there’s often very little left over to go out and spend in new social spaces. And when you’re new to an area you might not even know where to start when it comes to meeting new people. 

Cultural priorities: 

American culture doesn’t place a lot of value on tending to platonic relationships. Mostly, the value is places on heterosexual romantic relationships and “traditional” family structures (ie. family structures that uphold patriarchal power). Take this example from the American Survey Center:

“Overall, more than half (53 percent) of Americans say that the first person they talk to when they have a personal problem is their spouse or partner. Sixteen percent of the public say they go to a friend first when confronting a personal issue, and 10 percent say they rely on their parents.” 

Friendships become communities of support–communities which go against the American ideal of self sufficiency. Because they present this sort of counter-culture to the American way, we don’t put value onto platonic relationships the way we do with others and we don’t learn how to make, cultivate and sustain intimate them/

The American ethic also prioritizes work above all–so feeling the need to turn down invitations or restrict time with others in order to get work done is so commonplace we don’t even question it. 

Accessibility/Marginalization:

As we’ve said before: discrimination, oppression, barriers to healthcare and other services, and stigma are some reasons why marginalized groups are more likely to experience loneliness and social isolation.

For some people, whether they’re people of color, visibly queer or gender nonconforming, disabled, or marginalized in some other way, venturing into new spaces is dangerous and fraught with all sorts of concerns about whether you’ll be tolerated, welcomed, ignored, or worse. 

So what can you do?

Start small:

You don’t have to snap up every opportunity that comes up in your desire to meet new people and make new friends. That’s a one way ticket to burnout! Instead, go to things you’re really excited about–not things you have to convince yourself to go to. 

Find local groups to follow online–lots of organizations do their promotional work and networking on Instagram, you can find them via local hashtags or check and see who local businesses and friends are following. 

When you do find clubs, groups or organizations you’re interested in, you can follow their accounts to see what types of events they tend to host, how often they show up, etc. so you can decide if it’s a group you want to try out 

A tip: If you follow them for longer than a month or two without going to an event ask yourself if you’re really interested in going or if it’s just taking up space on your feed.

Find something you’re interested in, whether you experience it alone or not. Then you’ll be looking forward to it, whether or not you “meet” your goal of making new friends, and the open, positive attitude will help you connect with people more naturally. 

Starting off with just one new thing (whether it’s a club, somewhere to volunteer, a class to take) will help you manage your energy and balance your own needs as you try something new–which can often required some extra self care and attention to yourself! 

Instead of taking a bunch of classes to increase your chances of meeting a bunch of people and making a bunch of friends, join one class and commit to it. Really try to learn and connect with the people in that class, instead of making a bunch of surface level connections that will peter out as soon as the classes are over. 

Set boundaries:

How much time do you need alone to take care of yourself and recharge? How long does it take for happy scrolling to turn into unhappy scrolling on social media? Set boundaries around how long you spend online and what you look at so it does its job of helping you connect instead of increasing your loneliness. 

Try to be consistent:

If you join a club, show up to as many meetings as you reasonably can. If you sign up to volunteer somewhere, don’t drop in and out unexpectedly. If you enroll in a class, show up for each lesson. When you’re consistently showing up somewhere, consistently interacting with people, you get a chance to know them better and more opportunities to turn acquaintances into friendships 

Ask for help:

It’s okay if you don’t know where to start. Loneliness is hard to combat, and trying to do it on our own is a losing battle. Reach out to friends in other cities. How did they meet people when they moved? What do they like to do when they’re feeling lonely? Even if they don’t have tips that will work for you, they probably can relate to feelings of loneliness. And that connection can help both of you feel less alone. 

A therapist is a good resource too. If you don’t know where to start when it comes to making new friends and managing loneliness, talking to your therapist about what obstacles you’re facing is a great first step. 

A therapist can help teach you new ways to cope and explore ways to build community and support. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Body With These Six Blogs

What does it mean to have a strong relationship to your body?

Does it mean you need to be body positive? What about body neutrality? Or body trust? What do all these different terms mean? Do you have to embody all of them to have a strong relationship between yourself and your body? Where can you even start?

Having a strong relationship to your body helps your health holistically. It helps you tune into your physical and your emotional needs, and tend to them consciously and intentionally. But getting there isn’t an easy journey and it can be hard to know where to start. 

These six blogs are our starting point for you if you’re looking to strengthen your relationship to your body. 

They’re all about reflecting on your relationship to your body, learning to adjust your perspective and expectations, and practices you can take with you as you learn to engage with your body's needs and cues moving forward. Check them out below:

What Does it Mean to Engage in Self Care When You’re Chronically Ill

Your practice doesn’t have to be perfect all of the time. No one is keeping score at how well you’re taking care of yourself or what you’re falling behind on.

Determine for yourself what you can maintain, and try your best to maintain it–and trust yourself to know when you need to just relax.

Keep reading. 

3 Ways to Build Trust with Your Body

You might not even realize the messages that you’ve taken in about bodies throughout your life. There may be cultural messages that you disagree with on an intellectual level but have a hard time disconnecting from for yourself. You’re not alone. It’s hard to disengage from the constant messaging that your body is not good enough and that you can’t trust what it’s telling you.

When you don’t trust your body, you might have a harder time picking up on body cues like hunger or thirst. You might ignore your body’s needs, like needing to take a break, because you feel you should push through.

Keep reading. 

Separating Healing from Healthism

Your health is not insignificant–when you are sick or injured or unwell in any way you deserve care and medicine and support. The rejection of healthism isn’t a rejection of taking care of yourself, but shifting the motivations behind it.

Instead of caring for yourself because you want to be healthy so you can deserve love and care and support, can you care for yourself because you are alive and deserve it? Can you shift your habits of caring for yourself so they come from a place of love and joy, rather than guilt and shame?

Keep reading. 

Learning How to Connect Emotions & Body Sensations

Do you know how emotions feel in your body?

Emotions aren’t only felt in the mind. Our bodies react to our environments just like our brains do, and it can be helpful to connect emotions with body sensations so we can better understand what’s going on within us.

Keep reading. 

Can I have a Healthy Relationship with my Body Without Loving it?

While it would be wonderful to get to a point where your relationship with your body is a loving one, it’s possible to have an emotionally healthy relationship, even a caring relationship, without love. Think of human social relationships–you might not love your coworker or your neighbor or your barista, but you’re likely able to at least provide them the respect and dignity they deserve, and possibly even have a positive, friendly relationship with them. You care about not being rude to them, you don’t think they are unreasonable for having boundaries, and you probably don’t think they’re shameful for asking for what they need!  

Keep reading.

Gentle Movement tips for a Healthier Relationship with Exercise

Gentle movement or moving our bodies in some way that feels good is important for our health–not for the reasons we often hear about in intense fitness environments, where fitness is more of a sport focused on pushing your body to extremes–but because our body and our brain feel better when we find ways to incorporate movement into our routines. Keep the purpose of feeling good at the center of your search for a gentle movement routine: if it starts to feel like drudergy or punishment, it’s time to find something new. 

Keep reading. 

If you’re looking for support as you heal your relationship to your body, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

What to Do When Life Feels Meaningless

Life is often challenging, and there are times where you might feel like life has no meaning. 

When life feels meaningless, it can be scary. You might feel like there is something wrong with you for feeling like you aren’t sure what it all means. You might wish you could go back to how things were before you started questioning everything. 

It’s normal to have questions about what your purpose is to wonder about greater meaning. We all go through times where we question if we’re on the right path or where we come to a realization or go through an experience that changes our worldview. 

Why does life feel meaningless?

The feeling that life is meaningless can develop from many things. Sometimes, a sense that life is meaningless can be accompanied by other signs of depression or other mood disorders, like feeling hopeless, sad, or disinterested in things you used to enjoy. A therapist or your primary care doctor can help you assess whether you’re dealing with something more serious, like a mood disorder. 

Questioning meaning in your life can also come from: 

• Feeling unfulfilled at work and in life

• Wondering if anything you do makes a difference

• Is there something else? 

• Going through stressful experiences 

• Struggling to figure out what it is you want 

Life means something different to everyone, so when life feels meaningless, everyone will require something different. Only you have your unique combination of experience, perspective, values, and temperament, and so rediscovering meaning when life feels meaningless will take some exploring. 

What can you do when life feels meaningless? Remember, you’re not alone, and you won’t feel this way forever. Here are 6 suggestions for what you can do when life feels meaningless: 

Reconsider what makes a good life 

There are times in life where your worldview shifts and you question what you previously believed. Often, we feel a lot of pressure to have a perfect life, and feeling like you can’t measure up can make it harder to feel like you have a purpose. 

Sometimes, reconsidering what it is that makes a good life can be a helpful exercise. What is actually important to you, and not just what you think others want to hear? What would make you feel happy and fulfilled? Where are the small places that you find joy in your day to day life, and how can you expand those moments of joy? It might take a while for you to come up with an answer that feels right for you, but don't be afraid to explore what a good life means to you.

Get to know yourself better

We all grow and change over time, and it can be surprising to realize that you don’t really know yourself that well. It can be helpful to really consider who you are from time to time, so you can feel more comfortable in your skin and confident in who you are. 

Getting to know yourself won’t happen overnight, but start with curiosity and compassion. Try writing in a journal or starting a mindfulness practice to help you connect with yourself on a regular basis. 

Determine your values 

One way to work your way back toward meaning in your life is to determine what your values are. When you know what is important to you on a fundamental level, it can be easier to make decisions and answer questions about life. 

For example, if you know that community is an important value of yours, you can take small steps to strengthen your community, like reaching out to loved ones to connect or attending local events to meet new people. 

Work on self compassion

It takes a lot of effort to be nice to yourself, but it’s important. There is enough negativity in the world that you’ll have to deal with, and you don’t need to add to it. Whenever you’re going through something hard, be as nice to yourself as you can possibly be. 

Sometimes feeling like life is meaningless can be compounded by not being kind to yourself and leave you even more distressed. Whenever you notice you’re being unkind to yourself, take a pause and a few deep breaths, and try to respond to yourself like you’d respond to a friend. 

Connect with something bigger than yourself 

One of the beautiful things about being a human is that we have the ability to connect with something bigger than ourselves. We can experience awe and joy and wonder, and making those a priority can help you to rediscover meaning when life feels meaningless. 

Some people connect deeply with things like nature, hobbies, religion, art, music, activism. Try to think of things in your past that have inspired awe or wonder for you. What about those experiences can you replicate? 

Work with a professional

Existential questions like “What is the meaning of all of this?” and “What is my purpose?” are difficult to answer. Working with a trained therapist can help you explore what is meaningful to you and empower you to find answers while offering support and expertise.  

Therapy can help you learn more about current patterns in your thinking that contribute to your distress and find ways to shift them into more supportive patterns. Many people find that working with a therapist helps them find a greater sense of peace and purpose. 

If you’re interested in working with one of our Washington, DC, Northern Virginia, or Maryland therapists, get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment. 

What is High Functioning Anxiety?

Have you ever heard of high functioning anxiety?

While high functioning anxiety isn’t an official diagnosis, this type of anxiety can be draining and isolating. People who struggle with high functioning anxiety often find themselves motivated by their anxiety to achieve their goals and to appear perfect. Often, they struggle with extreme inner turmoil while on the outside they appear successful. 

What does “high functioning” mean?

In mental health, providers look for clues about how well a person is functioning to assess how deeply they’re impacted by their disorder. Functioning basically means that a person is able to go about their day to day life without significant impairment by their mental health. 

High functioning, then, means that a person is able to function at a higher level than most people. They may be successful at work, active in their communities, outgoing, and organized. 

When someone is dealing with high functioning anxiety, they often appear to be perfect on the surface, even though underneath they are dealing with overthinking, fear of judgment or disappointing others, and racing thoughts. They may struggle with sleep or have a difficult time relaxing. Some cope with their fear of inadequacy by feeling like they can’t say no or falling into people pleasing, or even with substance abuse as a way to lower their distress. They may lose time to overthinking, rumination, and procrastination. 

People with high functioning anxiety are often praised for the positive effects of their anxiety - like being motivated to achieve, being punctual and organized, and being good problem solvers. They may feel that the trade-off for these positive traits is dealing with the negative aspects of anxiety, even when they’re overwhelming. 

How is high functioning anxiety different from regular anxiety?

Anxiety disorders are extremely common. Anxiety often leads people to avoid the situations that increase their anxiety. For example, people with social anxiety may be tempted to avoid social situations to avoid the unpleasant feelings that they bring. 

High functioning anxiety is a little different from other anxiety disorders in that it is often a motivating force. In addition, they often try to hide their symptoms to protect the illusion that they have everything under control. Anxiety can make you feel out of control of your own mind, and some people respond to this lack of control by trying to control everything else they can. 

Folks who deal with high functioning anxiety tend to deal with persistent self-criticism, high levels of stress, extreme self-doubt, and sensitivity to criticism or judgment from others. It’s common for people with this kind of anxiety to feel like they’re losing control or that their life is about to spiral out if they can’t hold it together. 

Feeling like you have to be perfect at all times can create enormous pressure. When you feel like you’re constantly on the verge of losing control, one tiny misstep can be all it takes to send you spiraling. It’s hard to enjoy life when you’re always waiting for something to go wrong.

How do you treat high functioning anxiety?

Anxiety is distressing because it takes you out of the present moment and overwhelms you. Finding ways to return to the present moment before you get carried away with your anxious thoughts can be enormously helpful when dealing with high functioning anxiety. Mindfulness practices and grounding exercises can help you practice interrupting your anxious thoughts and coming back to the present moment.

It may also be helpful to remember that anxiety can have some positive side effects. People who are anxious are often empathetic and compassionate. The problem is when anxiety gets in the way of actually enjoying your life. If your anxiety has gotten to the point where you feel you can’t enjoy your day to day, it may be time to seek professional help. Anxiety is upsetting, but it is treatable. 

If you’re struggling with high functioning anxiety, working with a therapist who is trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you learn how to reframe your thoughts and respond in new ways when you’re distressed. CBT is particularly helpful with anxiety because it helps you identify faulty patterns of thinking that may be second nature to you after a lifetime of dealing with anxiety. Learning how to recognize the patterns that you tend to slip into when anxious can help you spot them more easily when they come up in the future. 

Working with a therapist doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you aren’t capable and successful. Therapy can give you space to explore your fears without judgment and to learn more supportive ways to cope when you’re overwhelmed. Get in touch with our office today to learn more or schedule an appointment.