Tending to Plants for Better Mental Health

Have you ever considered the benefit of taking care of something else as part of your own self care process? 

It may sound counterintuitive, but it’s true: creating routines where you tend to something else (a pet, a garden, a community project) benefits not just what you’re tending to, but your own mental wellness. Today we’re going to look at tending to plants specifically, but many of the benefits can come from making space to tend to other things (pets, community spaces, etc.) as well. 

So, how do indoor plants help our mental health? Here are 4 ways that caring for houseplants can help you care for your mental health: 

It helps promote mindfulness:

When you’re taking care of your plants, you have a chance to focus your attention on the nurturing that is taking place. Instead of your mind wandering around in a thousand different directions, you’re focused on the task at hand: which plants need care today? What do they need? Sunlight? Water? Do any need to be repotted or trimmed back? When you let your mind stay in the present moment, you reduce the opportunity for negative thoughts to land and stick in your mind. Taking care of your houseplants gets you into a regular mindfulness practice, which you can then bring to other areas of your life. It allows you to take the opportunity to slow down. We live in a hustle dominated culture, but that hustle isn’t always what is best for us! Tending to your plants requires care and attention so you have to slow down. . 

They give you reminders for your own care

Your plants need regular things like water and sunlight to survive; what are the things you need daily? You need things like food, water, and sunlight too, but what else? You need joyful movement, supportive relationships, opportunities for creativity and fun. Are your needs being met?

And sometimes your plant will need a change and you won’t know exactly what it will need. You might have to try a few different things to find the best way to take care of your plants; did you give it too much water? Not enough sunlight? A combination of both? It can be tricky to figure out what your plant needs and if you wind up giving it the wrong thing, just remember it’s all part of the learning process. This is also true for you. 

Easy companionship

Plants are living things! They have needs you have to get to know them to meet, they contribute to the well being and beauty of your space, and it’s important for the relationship between you and your houseplants that what each of you bring to the home is valued. 

But they aren’t like pets who require constant care and attention. Houseplants need us–we’ve taken them out of their natural habitat so it’s our responsibility to take care of them, but unlike a dog who might need multiple walks a day, someone to clean up after them, someone to devote a good portion of their day to petting and playing with the dog, etc. plants just need a good space to be in and someone to check in on them to make sure they’re getting enough water and sun. That makes them a good option for people who want something to take care of but don’t have the time or money to commit to a pet.  

They remind you small steps matter

Your plant isn’t going to fully grow overnight; it needs regular care. Watering it once and putting it in the window isn’t enough. This is a helpful reminder to us about our own wellness and growth: it’s a constant, daily practice. And each time we tend to our plants (or ourselves) matters and aids in the growth. 

Tending to houseplants has many mental health benefits, and it’s a coping skill you can keep in your mental health toolbox for when you need it. If you’re looking for other skills and tools to help support your mental health, working with a therapist can help you find what works for you. 

3 Ways to Build Trust With Your Body

Do you trust your body?

Body trust might not be something that you’ve ever considered much before. It might seem like a strange concept, but working toward trusting your body can be helpful with self-image, confidence, and self-compassion. 

When we’re born, we know to trust our bodies. When a baby is hungry, they don’t question the hunger cues they’re feeling. They just feel hungry and cry for food. When that baby gets older, though, they might not be as able to tune in to what their body is telling them to determine that they’re hungry. Why is that?

Over time, they began to question the trust they have in their body and their trust in themselves to listen to and care for it. 

Body trust is the concept of feeling connected and compassionate toward your body, and trusting its innate wisdom. Our bodies know a lot more about what they need than we think. Our bodies send us messages all of the time, but it’s often tricky to pick up on them when you’ve grown up learning how to tune them out. 

The Center of Body Trust has a great explanation: “You were born with an inherent trust for your body. Somewhere along the way you became disconnected from that way of knowing. Body Trust is disrupted by many things including and not limited to trauma, oppression, illness, and social constructs of gender, race, sexuality, beauty, health, and weight. Body Trust is an invitation to return to a relationship with your body and yourself that you want to be in for your lifetime—flexible, compassionate and connected.”

It might seem a little odd to have a term for what is essentially just listening to your body, but it’s necessary for many reasons. As we grow, we become influenced by the culture that we live in. We experience discrimination and oppression in some cases. Many of us experience trauma. These experiences teach us to disconnect from our bodies as a way to fit in, and often to stay safe. For example, someone in a larger body might internalize the message that they can only get help from medical professionals if they ignore their body cues for hunger and rest. To avoid substandard medical care due to anti-fat bias, they work to change their body size. 

This is just one example of the ways that we lose trust with our bodies. Any time you have felt that your body isn’t good enough or felt pressure from someone other than yourself to change your body, it reinforces the concept that you can’t trust your body. After a lifetime, it is hard to unlearn. 

What does a lack of body trust look like?

You might not even realize the messages that you’ve taken in about bodies throughout your life. There may be cultural messages that you disagree with on an intellectual level but have a hard time disconnecting from for yourself. You’re not alone. It’s hard to disengage from the constant messaging that your body is not good enough and that you can’t trust what it’s telling you. 

When you don’t trust your body, you might have a harder time picking up on body cues like hunger or thirst. You might ignore your body’s needs, like needing to take a break, because you feel you should push through. 

For many of us, it’s a habit to tune out what our bodies are telling us. It will take time and practice to learn how to tune back in. If you’re working on rebuilding the trust you have with your body, here are 3 things to try:

Notice and appreciate what your body does for you

Lots of us are disconnected from the ways our bodies support us. When we learn how to ignore the messages from our bodies, it makes it harder to appreciate all of the ways our bodies show up for us, day after day. The truth is that there’s probably something you can find to appreciate about your body. Maybe you really appreciate the way your senses allow you to experience the world. Or maybe you really love how your arms allow you to snuggle your pets. 

Take some time to tune in and notice what your body does for you. It’s gotten you this far, after all! Chances are, there is something, even if it’s small, that you can find to appreciate about your body. This will take time to learn. It’s taken a lifetime to learn how not to trust your body, and that won’t go away overnight. 

To get in the habit of tuning in to what your body is telling you, try doing a body scan. Take a few minutes to close your eyes and mindfully imagine your gaze scanning over each part of your body. Take a pause at each area to listen to what your body needs. Does your body need something to eat or drink? Does your body need a hug or to move around a little? Listening to the messages that you get from your body and meeting your body’s needs will help to reinforce that you can trust each other. 

Remind yourself that your body is not the problem

Most of the messages that we get about our bodies being a problem come from people trying to sell us something. If marketers can convince us that it’s our bodies that are the problem, then it’s much easier to sell us a solution. When you notice negative thoughts about your body creeping up, try to remind yourself that there are a lot of people who make a lot of money making you distrust your body. Who is profiting from you feeling this way? It’s probably not you. 

All of our bodies are different. They don’t always work the way they should, but that doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to always hate your body. Sometimes feeling positively about your body is not possible, but body neutrality can be helpful in those moments. Your body doesn’t have to be perfect and you don’t need to be its biggest fan. You just need to treat your body with respect, because you’re on the same team. 

Treat your body like a friend 

Your body is the only body you’re ever going to have. You’re in this together for as long as you’re here, so you might as well treat your body well. Try to connect with it like you would a friend. If a friend expressed a need to you, would you ignore it? Probably not! When you receive information from your body, don’t ignore that either. 

It takes time to build trust, so it will take time for you and your body to learn that you can trust each other. When you show up for yourself and consistently listen to the messages that you’re getting from your body, you reinforce the trust you’re building. When you get a cue from your body that you need something to eat and you eat, you teach your body that it can rely on you to meet its needs. Over time, it will become a habit to meet the needs of your body. Being consistent with listening to your body is a powerful way to rebuild body trust. 

If you’re looking for support as you rebuild trust with your body, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

Developing Self Compassion While Living with Chronic Illness

When you live with chronic illness, it can be hard to predict what your body and energy levels will allow you to accomplish on any given day. 

Some days you may wake up feeling wonderful, ready to fill your time with dozens of activities, while other days you make way up in the midst of a big flare up and even getting out of bed feels like a big ask. 

Feeling unsure of how you’ll feel from day to day can be extremely frustrating, especially given that we live in a culture that often conflates productivity with morality and “laziness” with immorality. 

While he was speaking specifically in regards to academic “laziness” Devon Price reveals a larger truth about laziness and lack of productivity:

“If a person can’t get out of bed, something is making them exhausted. If a student isn’t writing papers, there’s some aspect of the assignment that they can’t do without help. If an employee misses deadlines constantly, something is making organization and deadline-meeting difficult. Even if a person is actively choosing to self-sabotage, there’s a reason for it — some fear they’re working through, some need not being met, a lack of self-esteem being expressed.” (Laziness Does Not Exist)

When you live with chronic illness what seems like laziness or lack of productivity is actually both a mentally and physically exhausting process of trying to rest, recover, and tend to your body in the best way you can. 

In order to develop compassion for your limitations, you need to understand what they are. Instead of waking up and trying to get done what you could at an 80% day no matter how you’re feeling, it’s important to learn what different energy/pain level days look for you practically. 

One way you can do this is to keep a simple journal, logging what different days look like to you. 

This doesn’t have to be anything involved–while things like bullet journals and art  journals can be fun and stress relieving, they are also very intricate to keep up with and part of what you’re hoping to accomplish with this journal is just an easy way to build a reference for how to best take care of yourself. If it takes too long to update it or add to it, eventually you’re going to hit a high pain/low energy day where keeping up with it just isn’t possible. And then it won’t be helpful to you! Instead, keep it simple. Note:

• How your pain/energy/symptoms are in the morning when you wake up 

• What you think your energy level is from 0-100%

• What you managed to do during your day without overextending yourself 

• Anything that helped manage symptoms

As you keep track you’ll learn what your 10% days look like, what your 80% days look like, etc. and you can start to have reasonable expectations. 

When you can have reasonable expectations for yourself & your limits, you can start to develop compassion for those limits. 

It can be frustrating to accept a 10% day! If there are things you want to do or activities you want to participate in, waking up on a 10% day can bring a lot of grief. And while those feelings are absolutely legitimate, it can be helpful to make space for a more positive perspective on those days as well. For example, how can respecting your 10% day help you prepare to make the most of a 90% day?

Have a plan for caring for yourself on limited days:

Take a look at your journal, what are the things that have helped on days like this in the past? Can you make a reference for how to best manage these sort of days for yourself? Getting in the habit of providing care to yourself can help shift your mindset from self frustration to compassion as it starts to benefit you long term. 

And remember everyone else has limits too! Chronic illness can feel isolating especially on low energy or high pain days. Having physical restrictions or limitations is difficult in the world we live in but it’s not the only kind of limitation that exists. Everyone has things they need to navigate from day to day. While it might not be as visible, remembering you’re not alone in this can help reduce the shame you may feel.  

Learning that you have a chronic illness diagnosis is often a life-changing experience. Chronic illness tends to impact every aspect of life, from work to leisure time to money to relationships. Remember, chronic illness is not your fault. If you would like more support in coping with chronic illness, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help.

Why “Should” Statements Make You Feel Worse

Do you ever have a hard time relaxing or focusing because you feel like you “should” be doing something else? 

Should statements are a fast track to feeling discouraged, anxious, and even depressed. 

Should statements are a type of cognitive distortion, or a faulty pattern of thinking. Cognitive distortions are often so automatic that we assume they’re true and don’t question the messages we get from them.  

Some people might find reminding themselves of things they should do to be motivating, but many others experience it differently. For lots of people, focusing on the things they should do leads to feelings of shame, stress, panic, and inadequacy. It doesn’t feel good to spend a lot of time thinking things like:

• “I should be a better mom.”

• “I ought to eat more vegetables.”

• “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

• “I should be able to handle this.”

• “I should clean my house more.”

These statements lead to worry, rumination, fear, and shame. They make us feel like we’re not good enough. When you say you “should” or “must” do something, is that statement actually true, or is it a way to make you feel like you will finally be good enough?

So, what can you do about should statements? They’re a normal part of having a brain, but sometimes they can spiral out of control and make you feel like you can’t do anything right. When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by shoulds, here are some things to try: 

Work on self-trust and self-forgiveness

When you are trapped in a cycle of feeling like you should do something, it can be hard to trust your instincts for what you want to do. Remind yourself of things you do well or good choices you’ve made. When you trust yourself, you’ll feel more confident in your ability to respond to your inner critic. 

Learning how to forgive yourself can also be powerful in reacting differently to should statements. Forgiving yourself frees you from the endless cycle of guilt and self loathing that often accompanies should statements. It’s okay if you don’t do everything perfectly. 

Remember that you’re human

You’re human. You can’t do it all. We all make mistakes and do things we’re not proud of in life. Beating yourself up about the things you’ve done “wrong” in the past does nothing to change the future. Realizing that you’re a person, and you’re allowed to be imperfect, can be freeing. 

If you find yourself thinking in “shoulds”, remember that the first step to doing something about it is noticing what’s happening and you’re already there! When you can notice what’s happening and refrain from judging yourself about it, it’s easier to redirect your thoughts. 

Reframe your thoughts 

Underneath all the shoulds are feelings of inadequacy, or guilt, or shame, or fear. These are all painful emotions that we don’t always know how to cope with. It takes practice to react to these feelings in a new way, but it’s possible to redirect or reframe your thoughts. 

When you notice shoulds creeping into your thoughts, notice them, remember they’re not actually your only options. Instead of saying “I should eat more vegetables,” try saying “I could eat more vegetables,” which takes away the pressure and judgment. You’re not a bad person if you don’t eat more vegetables, but it’s an option if you choose to and it feels good. Motivating yourself in a way that feels good is much more effective than trying to motivate yourself with shame. 

Look for the nuance

Cognitive distortions like should statements view the world in extremes or with hard and fast rules. In real life, there are shades of gray, and there are options other than extremes. 

When your brain is trying to tell you that you can only do things a certain way, that’s a clue to take a moment and question what’s going on. Is what your brain is saying true? Is there another choice here? Explore what’s really going on before getting swept up in your initial judgment. 

Explore where your shoulds come from 

Try to notice that inner voice that comes up when you feel like you should do something. Where did this voice come from? Understanding where the shoulds you feel come from can be helpful in learning how to respond to them in a new way. Do you feel like you’re not living up to a standard? Do you feel like you’re spending your time on the wrong things?

For example, if you constantly feel like you “should” do things related to keeping things clean, think about where that feeling of pressure comes from. Did a parent or caretaker make you feel like you weren’t good enough if you weren’t tidy? Did you grow up feeling shame about an unclean home? Lots of times the judgments we make about ourselves originate from someone that made us feel not good enough at some point. 

If you’re struggling with cognitive distortions like should statements, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help. Our clinicians are trained in CBT and can help you reframe your unhelpful thought patterns so you can cope more effectively. 

What Does it Mean to Take Care of Yourself? 7 Blogs to Help You Practice

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

Is self care about making your life as easy as possible? Is it about making sure you’re always happy? Does it mean that every off feeling we have can be solved with a quick little treat? 

At this point, I think we all know self care is a little more complex than that! True self care isn’t about avoiding difficult situations or banishing “negative” feelings; it’s about making sure you’re doing what you can to provide yourself with the tools and skills you need to manage those hard moments and tricky feelings when they come up. Self care is about noticing what needs tending to, and finding appropriate, compassionate ways to tend to them. 

That’s, of course, much easier said than done. Self care requires a lot of skills we aren’t necessarily taught, and it asks us to patient and compassionate with ourselves and others as we develop those skills. Some of them are easier than others; it’s easier to get yourself to stretch or go for a walk when you feel your body to start to ache than it is to figure out how to express an unpleasant emotion to someone you care about. 

To help you practice, we’ve gathered 7 of our favorite posts that cover skills you may not even realize are self care practices: 

Do you struggle to motivate yourself to do boring life tasks?

Getting started is often the hardest part, especially when the task itself is so massive it feels like even if you start you’ll never finish.  When you tell yourself “I don’t have to finish the dishes, I just have to start them” you’re easing that pressure. Chances are? You’ll realize doing the dishes isn’t actually that bad and you’ll just finish them. And if not? Then some of your dishes are clean now when they weren’t before! 

Read How to Motivate Yourself to Do Boring Life Tasks. 

When you think of self care practices, do you ever consider your social media? 

For every positive aspect of social media, there’s an equal and opposite negative action. Yes you’re able to keep up with friends, but do you remember that their lives aren’t as perfectly curated or posed as they seem on social media? Do you forget to check in with loved ones because seeing a facebook update makes you feel like you’ve already caught up? Do you get stressed from the information overload that can come with mindless social media scrolling?

Read How to Stop Social Media from Making You Feel Bad About Yourself. 

Waking up with a ball of anxiety in your stomach every morning is not ideal.

It can leave you feeling like you don’t even want to get out of bed. That’s why it’s helpful to establish habits that you can use every day to carry you through on the days when your anxiety is spiraling out of control. It can be almost impossible to snap yourself out of an anxious spiral, especially without practice. That’s why it’s important to find anxiety-relieving methods that work for you and then practice them until they’re second nature to you. That way, the next time you’re feeling anxious and out of control, you have something to reach for to soothe yourself. 

Read Daily Habits to Help Manage Anxiety in a Healthy Way

Telling someone you’re upset by something they’ve done takes a lot of courage.

It can feel like a risk–like they could be mad or upset or maybe even react unpredictably. It’s important to remember that while their feelings matter, you can’t control them and it’s not your job to prevent them from experiencing unpleasant emotions. It’s only your job to be honest about how you’re feeling and stick around to work through it if that brings up unpleasant emotions. 

Read How to Tell Someone They've Hurt Your Feelings

How do you react when you feel angry?

For a lot of people, anger is a confusing emotion. Everyone feels anger, of course, but we often aren’t taught how to deal with anger in a healthy way when we are young. It can feel like the only way to respond to anger is through yelling or violence, but that’s a myth that stems from our anger-phobic culture. 

Read 6 Safe Ways to Express Anger. 

How does comparison harm us?

Most obviously, comparison usually makes us feel inadequate. Particularly when we’re comparing ourselves to a carefully curated version of someone else's life (like their instagram feed). We see amazing or exciting things people are sharing, and if we’re not in the middle of something amazing or exciting ourselves, it can make us feel like we fall short. 

But it isn’t just us that it harms. Too much comparison can also be damaging to your relationships. When you’re constantly putting yourself up against someone else–out of either admiration or jealousy–you’re not seeing the other person as a full person. You’re only seeing the one thing that is provoking an emotional reaction out of you (a picture of their vacation, a post about their promotion, etc.) It can lead to jealousy, even resentment in your relationship.

Read How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others. 

Do you know how emotions feel in your body? 

Emotions aren’t only felt in the mind. Our bodies react to our environments just like our brains do, and it can be helpful to connect emotions with body sensations so we can better understand what’s going on within us. 

Read Learning How to Connect Emotions and Body Sensations.

Learning to care for yourself is a process and it can feel hard to do it alone. Working with a therapist can help teach you new ways to explore what your needs are and find healthy, supportive ways to tend to them. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

7 Things to Do When You’re Lonely

Do you struggle with feeling lonely?

We all feel lonely from time to time, but studies show that loneliness is an increasingly large problem for mental and physical wellbeing. Since the pandemic, loneliness has increased.

Loneliness and social isolation are often thought to be the same thing, but there’s actually an important difference. As the CDC explains, “Loneliness is the feeling of being alone, regardless of the amount of social contact. Social isolation is a lack of social connections. Social isolation can lead to loneliness in some people, while others can feel lonely without being socially isolated.” You can become lonely from social isolation, but social isolation is not a requirement for loneliness. 

Why are we lonely?

Everyone has moments where they feel lonely. When loneliness doesn’t pass, it can be very distressing. Part of the reason why loneliness is so prevalent is that, as a culture, we tend to value independence, often at the expense of our health. Humans are meant to live and be supported in communities, as we’re social creatures. When society tells you that success means being able to do everything on your own, it can be hard to let go of that message. 

A study from Harvard shows that “36% of all Americans—including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children—feel “serious loneliness.” While we were lonely before the pandemic, the stress and isolation of the early pandemic days and the way it shifted how we live and work had a serious impact on loneliness. It was hard enough before the pandemic to get everything done that you needed to and make time for social connections. Now 3 years later, we’re exhausted mentally and physically from coping, and it might feel even harder to maintain the social connections that keep us from feeling lonely. 

It’s also been shown in studies that marginalized groups, like Black, Indigenous, and People of Color, immigrants, LGBTQ folks, and disabled people, tend to feel loneliness at higher rates than non-marginalized groups. Discrimination, oppression, barriers to healthcare and other services, and stigma are some reasons why marginalized groups are more likely to experience loneliness and social isolation. 

What does loneliness feel like?

You probably already know that loneliness doesn’t feel great. Feeling lonely is a negative emotion, so it can be distressing and painful. Remember, you don’t have to actually be socially isolated to feel lonely. You can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. 

Often, loneliness isn’t actually about not having people in your life, but not having strong connections to the people in your life. We all like to feel seen and like we matter to other people. When you don’t have a lot of people who you can connect with in a real way, it can feel like no one understands you.

Being lonely has real, measurable effects on health and wellbeing. Loneliness can lead to: 

• Depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders

• An increased risk for dementia

• Heart disease and stroke

• Thoughts of suicide

• Premature death

• Sleep problems

• Substance use

Loneliness has a serious impact on our lives, but there are things you can do to cope with loneliness and to minimize its effects. 

How can you cope with feeling lonely? Here are 7 suggestions: 

Join things 

One of the best ways to build connections with people is to put yourself out there and join things. This might seem like something you will never do, but it really does make a difference. It’s going to be impossible to build new connections if you don’t try some new things, or you would have made those connections already. Even though it seems intimidating, try joining a club, organization, hobby group, or class. Start small, and go from there as you build confidence in your ability to put yourself out there. 

The key here is to find something that is important to you or that you really connect with. If you really love animals, call your local animal shelter or humane society to see if they need help, or sign up to be a part time pet sitter. If you like to read, check out your local bookstore to see if they have any upcoming events, or a book club you can join. If you’re interested in art, see if there are any art classes or events at local galleries that you can check out. 

Be kind to yourself 

Being lonely is tricky enough, so try not to be hard on yourself for feeling the way you feel. Even though it’s painful, it’s okay to feel what you feel. You deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion, from others as well as from yourself. 

Social media also has a big impact on loneliness. When you can see an endless stream of pictures of other people having fun together, it can make you feel even more alone. Remember that you’re not seeing the full picture of what’s going on through someone’s social media posts. Don’t compare yourself to others, especially on social media. 

Explore the reasons behind your loneliness

Coping with the feeling of loneliness can be such a big task that it’s easy to forget to explore why loneliness is there in the first place. However, it’s worth looking into the reasons behind your loneliness so you can prevent it in the future.

Do you feel like you don’t have friends or loved ones who understand you? Are you having interpersonal problems? Does social media make you feel left out or less than? Do you worry that everyone is judging you and that is what makes it hard to reach out? When you can pinpoint the reasons behind why you feel lonely, you can make some changes. If no one understands you, it might be time to explore some groups that have similar interests. If you are having interpersonal problems, working with a therapist can help you find new ways to relate to people and how to explore conflict in a healthy way. It will take a lot of introspection and compassion, but exploring what’s behind your loneliness gives you a road map of how to fix it. 

Invest in your current relationships

When you’re lonely, it can be easy to talk yourself out of reaching out to the people in your life. You might feel like they don’t want to hear from you or that they’re too busy for you. Remember that you can’t read minds, though! Your assumption about how they’ll respond might be way off, and the only way to find out is to ask. Reach out to the people you already know to connect and make plans, or even just to share that you’re feeling lonely and thinking of them. 

When your loved ones reach out to you to ask how you’re doing, it’s okay to let them know that you’re feeling lonely. Talking about it can release some of the shame that you may not even realize you were holding onto. It’s also easier to ask for help from someone who already knows what’s going on. You might be surprised to find out that the people in your life are also feeling lonely, as it’s extremely common these days. 

Find something you like to do solo

Spending time by yourself is more enjoyable when you have something you like to do. Explore some new hobbies or activities to see what you like doing on your own. Maybe you really like taking your dog for long walks, or maybe doing a puzzle is more your speed. Try things like: playing an instrument, collaging, painting, drawing, knitting/crocheting, crossword puzzles, reading, thrifting, gardening, cooking or baking, hiking, journaling, bird watching, 

Ask for help

Loneliness doesn’t have to last forever, but it can feel hard to break out of feeling isolated. When you’re struggling with being lonely, it’s okay to reach out for support. Friends and family can probably relate to what you’re going through, and the people that care about you probably want to help. We’re not meant to go through life alone, and it’s okay to ask your community for support. 

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to friends or loved ones, try talking to your primary care physician about what you’re going through. They might even have some resources to point you toward so you can meet new people and strengthen your current connections. A therapist can also be a great resource when coping with loneliness, because you can explore the reasons behind your feelings as well as new ways to cope. 

Go out of your comfort zone

This is such frustrating advice, because no one wants to really go outside their comfort zone. It’s uncomfortable! However, you don’t always have to go too far out of your comfort zone to make new connections. Start with a little baby step out of your comfort zone. 

Instead of keeping to yourself the next time you walk around your neighborhood, try leaving your headphones at home and saying hi to anyone you walk by. Pick one social event a month that you’re going to check out. Google free events in your area or through interest groups that you care about. Many cities and towns have event calendars on their websites so you can find things going on, and you can also find events listed on Eventbrite and Facebook. See if you can pick one new thing to try and see how that feels. 

Coping with feeling lonely can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Working with a therapist can help teach you new ways to cope and explore ways to build community and support. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

Managing Conflict in Friendships

We’ve said before that conflict exists in every type of relationship. 

In all long term relationships, conflict is normal and expected and nothing to feel shame or fear about. However, that doesn’t make it easy to manage! It can feel scary when conflict comes up–no matter what type of relationship you have. 

However, when we think of navigating conflict in relationships, it’s often through the lens of romantic relationships. The stakes can feel extremely high with romantic partners, especially if it’s a long term partner who you intend to build a future with. Within friendships, conflicts may not feel so extreme because you may not consider your friend to be your “life partner” but that doesn’t mean the emotions they bring up are any less important than the feelings brought up in romantic conflicts. 

It can feel like more of a shock when big conflict comes up within platonic relationships too. 

Not small things like disagreeing over where to meet for coffee or something like that, but big true conflict where you don’t feel as if you’re being seen or heard by the other person. This is something we expect to a certain degree within romantic relationships–because we expect to have a certain degree of intimacy with our romantic partners, there are more opportunities for vulnerability, and therefore more opportunities for raw feelings to come up and make conflict. 

We often see our friendships as an escape from that sort of seriousness. We go to our friends to get support when we’re in conflict with our partners or with other frustrations in our life, so it’s often a space in our life we see as being free of conflict. But this also means that some of our friends have seen the most honest and most vulnerable versions of ourselves. Just as this can lead to increased intimacy, it can also mean we’re risking moments of our true selves and our vulnerability not being witnessed the way we hope it will be, which opens the door for conflict. 

So just like any close relationship, there’s an inevitability of conflict in intimate friendships, so it’s crucial to find a way to navigate it. 

We’ve talked a bit before about ending friendships (why you might, what it means to break up with a friend, and how to deal with a friend breakup when it happens) but what about before the breakup? Just like in romantic relationships, ending the relationship isn’t where we want to jump to. If we’re willing to do a bit of uncomfortable work, we can find ways to repair the relationship, and likely make it stronger as well. 

So how can you handle conflict in friendships?

Take time to figure out what it is that needs attention and repair: 

Sometimes we know there’s something off or frustrating within a friendship, but we aren’t sure exactly what the root of it is or how to articulate it. Before coming to your friend with a series of grievances you’ve let stack up, take some time to reflect on why these things are bothering you. 

What is the common thread? Are you not feeling listened to? Are your needs being ignored? Do you never feel prioritized the way you prioritize your friend? Are you nervous about being judged by them? 

Taking some time to reflect on all those little moments that bothered you can give you more insight into what actually is off balance in your relationship, which will help you communicate it more effectively, rather than just listing moments your friend has upset you and waiting for them to apologize (though, if you need an apology or a recognition of hurt, that’s okay! You can ask for that too.) If you need some help reflecting on what it is you’re feeling about certain relationships, try these journal prompts to help you examine how you’re feeling in different relationships! 

Let them know you need to talk: 

…but try to be more considerate than a quick “We need to talk” text, which sounds vague and ominous and will probably just make your friend anxious and come into the conversation on the defensive. Instead, be transparent. You’ve had time to think about what is upsetting you, let them know you’re upset so that they’re not blindsided. A short, but clear “I’ve been feeling upset about X and I was hoping we could make time to talk through it?” helps to let them know what you’re feeling, what it’s about, and that you want to work it out with them. Of course, no one likes to hear that they’ve upset or hurt their friend, so they may still feel uncomfortable or anxious about it, but those are their feelings to manage so long as you’ve done your part to be clear and considerate. 

(And consider when you let them know you need to talk. Are you texting them right as they head into work, where they won’t be able to answer you? Will they then be stressed and upset about it all day? If you have a general idea of their schedule, try to let them know at a time they’d be home or available to talk. 

Depending on the geography of your friendship, talking in person may not be possible, but when it comes to conflict, it’s best handled directly person to person. Meaning and tone can easily get lost or mistranslated in text, which can add even more tension to an existing conflict. If talking in person isn’t possible, talk to them on the phone at a time that works for both of you. 

Assume the goal is the same for both people

When you need to address conflict it can feel scary! Sometimes you may feel the compulsion to defend yourself rather than explain what you’re feeling. That may be wounds or expectations from a past relationship showing up in your relationships now. Try to go into conversations about conflict with friends assuming you both want the same thing: to find ways to repair the friendship where both people feel seen and understood. Remember this person is your friend for a reason, they’ve been in your life caring about you for a reason–they will want to know if they’re hurting you, even if it’s uncomfortable. 

And remember to make space for their experience too. Let them respond without getting defensive or trying to prove them wrong. Just like in romantic relationships, the goal isn’t to win, but to make space for one another and solve the problem together. Even if it’s uncomfortable to hear what they have to say, it can bring you closer by allowing for more honesty and vulnerability within your friendship. And remember to make use of healthy conflict tools like repair attempts and to remember that not every problem can be solved in a single conversation. 

Are you experiencing conflicts in your friendships? Working with a therapist can help you find healthy ways to navigate and manage conflict within your relationships. Get in touch with our office today to get started with couples therapy! 

Are Your Boundaries Too Firm?

We know boundaries are important. 

They help us protect our energy, whether it’s our physical energy, our social energy, or our mental & emotional energy. They make it clear to the people we’re in relationships what our limits are (and, if you’re in a close relationship, usually why you have that limit) so that we can continue to show up fully in the areas of our lives that we really need to. 

There are many different types of boundaries to explore, things like: 

• What limits we have on our professional availability

• What makes us feel safe and comfortable in our bodies and homes 

• What personal details we’re willing to share in various social situations 

• What we need to navigate conflict

• How involved we’re comfortable being in the problems/relationships of others

• Etc. 

Basically, when setting boundaries you need to figure out what your limits are. What can you give (whether it’s time, space, money, compassion, energy, etc.) to others without wearing yourself out, overly depleting your own energy, or taking on too much of an emotional, financial or other type of burden? 

There’s a lot of conversation around setting boundaries. How do you decide what they are? How do you communicate them? How do you manage family boundaries? How can you reaffirm your boundaries?

But boundaries, like most things, require nuance. Think of them less like a fence surrounding and protecting you, and more like pillars holding up a structure.

They are crucial to the stability of your relationship, but they leave space open for others to come in. And when a boundary is violated, it is less like the fence surrounding you has been smashed, leaving you completely vulnerable, and more like one of the pillars holding up the structure of your relationship has been damaged. The entire thing doesn’t have to come crumbling down if you can work to repair what was hurt. 

When we’re too firm in our boundaries, we build the fence instead of those pillars–we don’t leave space for anyone else in the relationship. Someone may be granted entry behind the gates, but there is little room to move or grow once inside. 

Being too firm with our boundaries is tempting, and very easy to do.

It can help us stay somewhere we feel safe, knowing there will be no surprises, nothing uncomfortable, and nothing difficult to navigate. Unfortunately, when we live like that, we deny ourselves the opportunity to grow, and to realize we’re actually stronger than we think! If we don’t give ourselves a chance to work through something tough, we’ll never know we can, and we’ll always feel trapped by it. 

Boundaries that are too firm also prevent us from being able to really exist in intimate or close relationships. It’s important that when you set boundaries you’re not actually giving someone a demand or a set of rules for how to interact with you. Boundaries don’t tell others how to behave around you, they let others know what you need to feel safe. Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to honor those boundaries. That means, if someone is doing something that you’re uncomfortable with, you can: 

• Have a conversation with them to explain why you’re uncomfortable, offer a solution to make you both feel better, and give them space to respond

• Remove yourself from the situation

Sometimes it’s easy to say that our boundaries are “don’t do X around me” but we can’t control anyone’s behavior but our own. When we reframe our boundaries as our own responsibility, it gives space for others to show up fully and get to know us with intention. 

Remember, your boundaries are a tool to help you feel safe with others, because feeling safe with others allows honesty and intimacy to flourish. If you need support setting and communicating your boundaries, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

Understanding Grief and Chronic Illness

One thing that might surprise folks about living with a chronic illness is the amount of grief there is to navigate. 

In addition to having to deal with the physical reality of your illness, juggling medical appointments, and trying to find a way to make ends meet, chronic illness involves a lot of loss. Unlike a one-time event that leads to grief, chronic illness is a series of losses, over and over and over. The losses that come with a chronic illness or disorder are not a one time thing, which can make it even harder to cope with. 

Thousands of people in the US are newly dealing with chronic illness as a result of Long-COVID. It’s more important than ever to understand the reality of living as a chronically ill person, what that can look like, and how to cope with the emotions that come with diagnosis.

Why does chronic illness cause grief? 

The reason chronic illness brings up so much grief is because it completely changes the way you can live your life. Grief can come up in reaction to any number of situations in life, like moving, changes in finances, and relationship shifts. Sometimes dealing with chronic illness means dealing with all of those things at the same time. So many changes all at once is devastating and can make you question your sense of self. 

Change is often a huge source of grief, especially when the change is involuntary and not a choice you made. It’s always tempting to imagine the life you didn’t lead, or daydream what would have happened if you made a different choice, if you got that job, if you stayed in that relationship. The what-ifs in life are always going to be tinged with some grief, because there’s no way for us to have it all. When you’re chronically ill, those what-ifs might come up even more because of the changes that come with a serious illness.

In addition to the grief of losing what could have been if things were different, the number of changes that chronic illness often requires can bring up grief. 

When you are diagnosed with a chronic illness, it usually comes with major changes in what you can and can’t do. Some changes that often come up for chronically ill people include: 

• Changes in what you can or can’t eat

• Coping with medication side effects

• Shifts in your energy levels

• Arranging, getting to, and paying for endless doctor appointments

• Dealing with constant physical discomfort or pain

• Being treated differently

• Losing friends and relationships

• Losing mobility and the freedom that comes with it

• Worrying about money or insurance or both

• Finding accessible housing

• Shifts in physical appearance

It’s very normal to deal with grief as a chronically ill person. If you have been diagnosed with a chronic illness or are dealing with chronic health issues, here are 5 ways to cope:

Allow yourself to feel your feelings

It can be hard to find time when you’re dealing with a chronic illness between the demands of day to day life and the chaos of constant medical issues, appointments, and the like. You might feel tempted to push down the feelings that come up in response to your diagnosis because you don’t feel like you have the time to feel anything. 

Unfortunately, feelings need to be felt, and there are often lots of feelings that come up in response to chronic illness. Some of the emotions you’re dealing with might be: 

• Frustration

• Rage

• Sadness

• Confusion

• Fear

• Shame

• Guilt

• Relief 

• Despair

These feelings can be tough to deal with, but part of recovering from grief is allowing yourself to feel these intense feelings. Grief in itself is intense, and the emotions that are often underneath grief can be intense as well. Try to be as compassionate with yourself as possible while you let yourself feel your emotions. 

Emotions are normal. Feeling them is normal, even when it feels horrible. It might help to have some coping skills ready to go when you allow yourself to tune in with those intense feelings, like making sure you have someone you can call on for support or a few grounding exercises written out on notecards that you can follow when you’re getting overwhelmed. 

Work toward acceptance 

Acceptance of a chronic illness might sound like agreeing to be miserable forever, but that’s not actually what it has to mean. The idea behind acceptance is that it causes a lot of pain and distress to be struggling against reality. Accepting the idea that your illness is long term (or serious, or causing your discomfort, or whatever it is that you’re struggling with) might feel like giving up, but it can be an important step for you to be able to move forward. 

It’s okay to acknowledge that you’re feeling what you’re feeling. You don’t have to be okay with what’s happening or happy or anything like that. Sometimes acceptance means admitting “I’m really freaking mad about this,” or “I don't think I can ever accept this.” Giving yourself permission to admit what’s really going on can bring a sense of relief. 

It might also help to accept that health is more out of our control than we like to think.

Remember that no matter what, no one stays the same forever. We all have to deal with our bodies changing at some point, and the older we get, the more things tend to go wrong. Learning at a young age that you are not your body and that you can lead a happy, meaningful life no matter what happens to you is an incredibly painful but invaluable lesson.

Seek out others who are chronically ill

One of the hardest things about adjusting to life as a chronically ill person is the way your relationships change. It can be hard to keep up with people in the way you used to. You might not have the energy for the things you used to do with your friends. You might feel like you’re no fun to hang out with anymore, but that’s not the truth! 

Chronically ill and disabled people exist and have always existed, and they have found ways of building community. As messed up as the internet can be, the way modern technology allows people to connect to each other from their own homes has shifted the way that chronically ill and disabled people can build community. There are many places on the internet where you can find groups of chronically ill people. Try searching for “Spoonie” groups or pages to start! 

This isn’t to say that you need to stay home at all times if you’re chronically ill. Spending time with other chronically ill or disabled people can help you find places in your area that are accessible and give everyone a chance to feel understood and valued. 

Find a creative outlet for your feelings 

When it comes to feeling your feelings, it can help to have a creative outlet. Intense emotions can be tricky to work through, but having a way to let the emotion out can help. Some people find a lot of comfort in using creativity to express their feelings. 

Creativity can be whatever feels good for you. Some people like to channel their feelings, like rage, fear, sadness, into making art or writing in a journal. 

Others like to express themselves through movement. Moving your body might look and feel different after being diagnosed with a chronic illness, and you might need to explore a few things to find what works for you and what feels good to you physically and mentally. Allowing yourself to play can remind you that you deserve to feel joy and to experience play, just like everyone else. 

Find ways to assert your agency 

Having a chronic illness means a slow steady loss of control over your body. While the control that we have over our bodies is not as strong as many would like to believe, it’s still unbelievably painful to realize that you can’t do much of anything to make yourself feel better physically. 

Try to find other ways to assert your agency like gardening, making art, or making your space really cozy and comfortable. Even something as simple as choosing a new book to read or a show to watch can remind you that while some things will always be out of your control, there are choices that you get to make. 

Learning that you have a chronic illness diagnosis is often a life-changing experience. Chronic illness tends to impact every aspect of life, from work to leisure time to money to relationships. Remember, chronic illness is not your fault. If you would like more support in coping with chronic illness, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help.

How to Overcome People Pleasing

How to Overcome People Pleasing 

Do you consider yourself a people pleaser? 

It’s important to treat other people with kindness and respect, but people pleasing goes beyond treating people well. People pleasing is when one person takes on all of the emotional and physical labor of a relationship in order to win the affection of the other person. 

Many of us grow up learning how to prioritize others over ourselves. People who might identify as people pleasers are often seen as pleasant and helpful and often get praised for their support, but people pleasing isn’t all positives. It’s mentally and physically draining to ignore your own needs in favor of everyone else’s. 

Trying to please other people at the expense of your own mental and physical health is a habit that’s hard to break. Overcoming people pleasing takes time, but it is possible. 

Where does people pleasing come from?

People pleasing doesn’t happen for no reason - it’s a source of validation and even purpose for some. It feels good to be needed. Many people who struggle with people pleasing are very self critical and have a negative self-image. Pleasing other people is a way to feel better about themselves and to feel connected to others. Some people might feel like if they’re not always doing things for others, their social network will disappear. It can feel very lonely to feel like your relationships aren’t reciprocal or to feel like you’re being used. 

It’s important to note the gendered and racial expectations we have around people pleasing. People pleasing is something that’s often expected of women and minorities, who may feel that they have to focus on others to be respected. Think about the unspoken expectations that many people have - who do we expect to be pleasant? Who do we allow to say no and have boundaries? 

People pleasing can also be related to a traumatic response. Some people experience trauma that leads them to adopt a fawning response, which can often include people pleasing as a strategy to protect themselves. Some children learn that they can get attention or positive reactions from their caregivers by 

Are you not sure if you’re a people pleaser? Do you tend to: 

• Ignore your own boundaries?

• Be preoccupied with what others think of you? 

• Feel like you can’t express your feelings when you’re upset?

• Say yes to plans or requests when you really don’t want to? 

• Expect yourself to smooth over conflict?

• Spend more time on everyone except yourself?

If any of these feel familiar to you, you might be dealing with people pleasing. When people pleasing is a habit, it can leave you feeling drained and resentful of the people around you because no one is giving you the same energy that you’re giving them. It takes time, practice, and self-compassion to overcome people pleasing, but it is possible. 

Here are some ways to overcome people pleasing:

Take your time 

When people pleasing is a habit, it takes time to learn how to respond in a new way. It’s helpful to intentionally slow down and avoid agreeing to things that don’t work for you. When someone requests something of you, ask for time to decide. Have a few go to responses ready to go so that you can rattle them off instead of feeling tempted or pressured to agree. Here are some phrases to try: 

• “Thanks for thinking of me! I’ll check my calendar and get back to you.”

• “I’ll let you know!”

• “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to, but I’ll text you later to confirm.”

Feel your feelings

People pleasing is a coping skill, and it can be a great way to distract yourself from feeling your feelings. Unfortunately, feelings need to be felt. When we ignore our feelings, they don’t actually go away. Eventually those feelings will need to be felt, and when you push them down for long enough, the resulting feeling explosion can be very distressing. 

Even though it’s painful sometimes, allowing yourself to feel your feelings can help you learn how to sit with them and the urge to please others as a distraction. With practice, you’ll learn that just as feelings come, they will pass too. Try to think of them like waves on the beach. Sometimes a wave is tiny and sometimes it’s massive, but either way, it always recedes. When a painful feeling comes up, try repeating to yourself that it won’t last forever. The feeling came, so it will go. 

Think about and communicate your boundaries

Recovering from people pleasing means setting and maintaining boundaries that work for you. It can feel impossible to set boundaries when you haven’t in the past, but try to sit with that feeling of discomfort. That’s a big sign that you actually really need boundaries! Everyone has boundaries, and you’re allowed to have them too. 

Try to think about the things that are draining you the most. Is it stressful to say yes to plans that you don’t actually want? Is it exhausting to deal with everyone else’s emotions and get no support of your own? It will be easier to set up boundaries that feel supportive if you can pinpoint exactly what is causing your distress. 

Remember, boundaries are about you, not about the other person. Boundaries aren’t about trying to change someone’s behavior, they’re about how you will respond in certain situations. If someone crosses your boundary, then you will do X. For example, if your boundary is that you don’t want to hear comments from your family about your weight, your boundary could be “If you make comments about my weight, I will hang up the phone or otherwise leave the conversation.” 

Take baby steps

You don’t need to shift from people pleasing to having completely rigid boundaries overnight. Try starting with small boundaries you can practice with. They will both feel easier to enforce and successfully setting and enforcing a boundary can give you the confidence to keep going. 

There’s nothing wrong with being protective of your mental health, and getting a few small victories under your belt can be really motivating to keep going. 

Be very nice to yourself

Setting boundaries and working on overcoming people pleasing can sometimes feel like you’re not being kind or that you’re selfish. When those thoughts come up, remind yourself that it’s not selfish to prioritize yourself. It actually helps you be more sustainably supportive to others, because you’re not forced to give from an empty cup. As you practice setting up boundaries and feeling your feelings, give yourself lots and lots of self compassion. Try to be as nice to yourself as you’d be to your best friend, or to a child. 

When you notice self talk, try to be kind to yourself and not judge yourself for feeling this way. When it comes up, say “It makes sense that I would feel that way, but what this inner voice is saying is not true.” and then try to move on instead of getting caught up in what your inner self is saying. 

Are you stuck in a people pleasing cycle? Working with a therapist can give you a safe space to explore being a people pleaser without judgment and find new ways to cope that actually work for you. Send us a message today to get started!