How ADHD Presents In Adult Women

How ADHD Presents In Adult Women

Did you know that women experience ADHD at the same rates as men? The mainstream understanding of Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is that it makes you hyper and unable to focus. However, that’s not the only way that ADHD manifests. Part of the reason that women are underdiagnosed with ADHD is that they typically experience symptoms in a less noticeable way. We also tend to think that ADHD is only diagnosed in kids because that’s what is the most common. It’s actually possible for someone of any age to be diagnosed with ADHD. Adults, women, and minorities might not have the “classic” type of ADHD so it’s not as obvious when it comes time to diagnose what is going on. 

ADHD can present in multiple ways.

The most well known type is hyperactive/impulsive, which includes the “classic” symptoms mentioned above. This type is more common in men. Another type of ADHD is inattentive, which is more common in women and girls. The last type is a combination of the first two types. Hyperactive/impulsive ADHD can look like fidgeting, interrupting, constantly moving, restlessness, talking a lot, mood swings, and impatience. Inattentive ADHD can look like trouble focusing, forgetting, disorganization, and lack of attention to detail.  

While the underlying disorder is the same in men and women, the way symptoms present tends to be different based on gender. 

Another reason that women are underdiagnosed with ADHD is that the symptoms are explained away as personality traits instead of as symptoms. Think of the ways we describe girls: flighty, forgetful, spacey, daydreamer. These could all be a sign of ADHD, but instead these signs are often ignored or dismissed in girls and women. Sometimes women are diagnosed with anxiety or depression instead of ADHD when they reach out for help. 

So how do ADHD symptoms present in adult women?

If you’re an adult woman and you’re wondering if you have ADHD, here are some signs to look out for:

• Feeling overwhelmed by sounds and distractions, especially loud, crowded environments

• Lack of self regulation and self-management

• Being withdrawn and shy in social situations

• A cluttered home or workspace

• A disorganized at home or workspace

• Feelings of inadequacy

• Low self-esteem

• Chronic stress

• Feeling like you forgot something all the time

• Having a hard time focusing in conversations

• Excessive spending

• Feeling like a bad friend or relative

• Having a hard time relaxing

• Feeling like you aren’t living up to your potential

• Believing your life is out of control

• Feeling shame for the way you cope

Many women with ADHD feel overwhelmed.

They feel like their lives are out of control, but they have a hard time sharing that with others. Day to day tasks may seem impossible when you’re struggling with ADHD. If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed constantly by your day to day life, ADHD could be the culprit. 

Sometimes women experience co-occurring disorders with ADHD, which just means that another condition is also present along with the ADHD.

Some disorders that commonly coexist in women with ADHD are:

• Substance abuse 

• Eating disorders

• Sleep disorders

• Mood disorders

• Anxiety disorders

Sometimes these disorders cause symptoms that are similar to ADHD symptoms, so it can be tricky to diagnose what’s what. As you can see in the list above, sometimes the symptoms of ADHD look like other things, like depression or anxiety. However, understanding the full picture of what’s going on is important for treatment and to start feeling better. 

The first step to feeling better is understanding what ADHD looks like in adults, especially adult women. Once you’re aware of what the signs are, you can be on the lookout for these symptoms and seek treatment when you notice them.

ADHD is very treatable, and you don’t have to be trapped in your overwhelm forever. 

If you’re interested in an evaluation from a psychologist to determine if you have ADHD (or something else), you can get tested at Hope+Wellness. We will leave no stone unturned to look at questions you have but also questions you don’t even know you have — so that you can walk away from the evaluation with definitive answers you are seeking, along with a personalized roadmap ahead. 

5 Coping Strategies to Try When You’re Feeling Anxious

Do you struggle with anxious thoughts?

Anxious thoughts can be hard to control–and when they start to spiral they only grow in their intensity which makes it even harder to pull ourselves out of that loop. We all go through times occasionally where it feels like our thoughts are running the show–like they control us instead of us just observing them–but when you live with anxiety this feeling could be happening all the time. 

So how do you manage it?

Managing anxious thoughts is hard work. It’s not going to be a simple one-size-fits-all solution. For a long term plan, talking to your therapist about treatment options, including ongoing therapy and medication, is a great idea. But anxiety doesn’t always wait until the one hour a week you’re in session. And while your therapist will definitely be able to work with you to determine what coping strategies are the most useful for you, it’s helpful to have a few already in your back pocket to try. 

It’s also important to remember that just because something works to ease one person’s anxiety, doesn’t necessarily mean it will be effective at easing yours. We are all unique, so if a recommended method doesn’t work for you, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It just means that there is a better, more effective way for you to manage your anxiety out there, and whichever method didn’t work just isn’t right for your specific case. 

And often, not every method will work every time. That’s why it’s helpful to have a few different ways to try pulling yourself out of those anxious thought spirals. When one doesn’t work, you can try something else instead of working harder at something that isn’t helping you. 

Here are 5 coping strategies to try when you’re feeling anxious: 

Develop a mindfulness practice

Mindfulness is a practice designed to teach us how to be in the present moment. This is great for anxiety because frequently, anxious thoughts will take you out of the present moment, and drag your thoughts through lots of hypotheticals about things you can’t control or things that may happen in the future. By practicing mindfulness, you’re practicing the skill of resisting those thought spirals in order to stay grounded in the present moment. If you’re unsure where to start, try one of these 10 mindfulness apps!

Grounding techniques: 

Grounding is a practice that is intended to allow you to connect your body back to the earth. It is similar to mindfulness, and uses many of the same skills. When you are focused on your connection to the earth (ex. how the bottoms of your feet feel resting against the ground) you are forced to stay in the present moment, just as you are with mindfulness. You can find examples of grounding techniques to try here.

Don’t take the anxious thoughts at their word: 

Your anxiety is telling you that all of those anxious thoughts running through your head are true or realistic, but stop and ask yourself: is that really the case? Ask yourself: Is this thought true? What evidence do I really have to support it? What could a different possibility be? 

Get the thoughts out: 

When we sit with our anxiety, sometimes it builds. Instead, having a healthy outlet for those thoughts can help release them, reducing their power over us and allowing us to move on instead of fixating on them. You can do this with a therapist, but a method you can use outside of session is to journal about them! Don’t worry about whether the thoughts are true or if your writing makes sense, just use the journal as a space to expel those anxious thoughts. 

Move your body: 

You might not notice your thoughts getting anxious. Instead, you might experience physical symptoms of your anxiety (sweating, headaches, stomachaches, trouble sleeping, difficulty breathing, feeling shaky, etc.) But movement is a simple, easy way to release that tension in the body. It can be as simple as jumping up and down, or turning on some music and dancing. You can find other ideas for ways to move your body to help with anxiety here. 

If you need help creating a plan for your next bout of anxiety, our clinicians can help you find one that works for you. 

4 Tips for Dealing With a Friend Breakup

4 Tips for Dealing With a Friend Breakup

Breaking up is hard. When we think of breakups, we often think of the end of a romantic relationship, but any kind of relationship can end. Ending friendships, or friend breakups, is especially hard, no matter which side of the breakup you’re on. Some people feel that breaking up with a close friend is actually worse than breaking up with a romantic partner. Either way, a breakup is a breakup, and it’s normal to feel pain and confusion after a relationship of any kind ends. The end of a friendship means the end of an era- no more trust, no more intimacy, no more fun. Coming to terms with this change can be really difficult. 

We have a lot of cultural messages telling us that friendship is supposed to be for life (“Best friends forever!”), so it can be a great source of shame to lose a friendship. Losing friends is also tough because it can majorly change your support network. When a romantic relationship ends, we usually count on the support and encouragement of our loved ones, like our friends and family. After a friend breakup, turning to that friend is no longer an option, which can be really hard to grapple with.

Why do friendships end? 

Friendships are like any kind of relationship - they are all unique. Some are situational, like when you work with someone. If you’ve ever left a job, you know that sometimes you don’t stay as close to your former coworkers as you did when you worked together. Some friendships come from being in the same school or town, and once one of you is no longer local the friendship fizzles. Some friendships fade away and some end with a disagreement or conflict. No matter how your friendship ended, it’s hard. Adjusting to the fact that you can’t rely on that person the way you once did takes work and time. It might be hard to open yourself up to a close friend for a while, and that’s okay. It’s a big adjustment, and it’s okay to follow whatever timeline you need. 

If you’re struggling with a friendship breakup, know that you’re not alone. So many people have been through this kind of pain, and whatever reaction you’re having is valid.

Here are some of our top tips for dealing with a friend breakup:

Update your social media settings

If you’ve gone through a friend breakup, you might even find it hard to deal with years after the fact. Friends are such an integral part of our lives that it can be tough to remove someone completely. You might still see old pictures of them around, you might be reminded of a trip you took or an inside joke you used to have with them. Social media websites might constantly bombard you with memories of years past, which can be really heartbreaking post-friend breakup. You can turn off that feature on many social sites, so if you’re in the midst of a friend breakup you might want to protect yourself that way. You can always revisit it once the pain isn’t as fresh. 

Focus on what you learned in the relationship 

Every relationship teaches us something. Some relationships teach us how to communicate, how to value ourselves, how to set boundaries, how to love someone, and some even teach us how relationships end. This might be hard at first, but focus on the good parts of what you learned from each other. Relationships aren’t failures because they end. All relationships end at some point, and it’s okay. Learning how to process and move forward from the end of a relationship is an important skill. 

Talk about it

One of the reasons why losing a friend is so hard is because there’s a sense of shame associated with it. When your BFF is no longer your forever friend, you might feel unworthy, rejected, or confused. This is because so many people keep their friendship breakups to themselves. It’s okay to talk about it and explore your feelings with the rest of your support network. Talking about it with a therapist can help you make sense of your emotions. When more people talk about the struggles they have with something, it can help us all feel less alone. 

Forgive yourself

In the aftermath of this relationship ending, you might be searching for reasons why. You might be blaming yourself for the things you did or didn’t do. You might be wondering what’s wrong with you. It’s okay to acknowledge that you played a role in the friendship ending. However, you don’t need to keep beating yourself up about it. You’re a human. You’re allowed to make mistakes. You’re also allowed to forgive yourself for those mistakes. That doesn’t mean you are going to do it again or that you haven’t learned. Forgiveness is a gift you can give yourself so you don’t feel the need to ruminate on what went wrong between you. Acknowledge what happened, admit you did the best you could at the time, and tell yourself “I forgive you.” 

Losing a friend so hard. If you’re dealing with the loss of a friendship that was important to you, know that there’s nothing wrong with you and you will get through this. Talking about it in therapy can help you come to terms with the loss and cope with your reaction in a more personalized way.

If you’re looking for support with the loss of a friendship, our clinicians are here for you. 

Naming Your Emotions

Do you know how to name your emotions?

It sounds easy, but it can be harder than we imagine. Often when our feelings are so strong or overwhelming, it’s hard to actually pick out what specific emotions you’re feeling. But learning to name your emotions is important and can help you manage them better so that you don’t find yourself getting as overwhelmed by them. 

Have you heard the phrase name it to tame it? It a phrase psychologist Dan Siegel introduced to summarize a series of studies that all supported the idea that this process of naming our emotions in itself helps us to self soothe. 

Instead of feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed by your emotions, learning to identify them not only kickstarts that self soothing process, but also helps you to unpack where that discomfort is coming from. When you know how you’re feeling, you can start to get into the why.

What happens when we don’t name our emotions?

Do they just go away? Nope! Ignoring our emotions does not make them go away, so there is really no benefit to not naming our emotions. In fact, when we ignore how we’re feeling, the feeling often intensifies, and can manifest in physical symptoms–your body’s way of demanding you pay attention to what you’re feeling. 

Not naming our emotions impacts other areas of our life as well, not just our physical health. It can also impact our relationships! Our feelings impact our behavior–if you’re feeling anxious, you’ll behave differently than when you’re feeling joy, etc. Without communicating what you’re feeling, your behavior can be interpreted incorrectly by friends and loved ones, or closeness in relationships can suffer. Understanding your feelings helps you understand how they impact how you behave with everyone in your life, and also gives you an opportunity to be open with those around about how you’re feeling so they know how to best support you. 

So how can you practice naming your emotions?

Use the Feelings Wheel

The feelings wheel is a great place to start if you’ve never tried identifying your feelings before. The wheel starts with 7 general emotions (bad, fearful, angry, disgusted, sad, happy, surprised) at the center, and as the rings move outward, the terms get more and more specific. So if you only know that you feel angry, you can use that as a jumping off point and go outwards until you find the specific thing you’re feeling. 

Pay attention to your Physical Sensations

Naming your feelings might feel impossible, so instead focus on how those feelings are showing up. What sensations are you feeling in your body? Physical sensations are also linked to our emotions; things like tension in the neck, clenched teeth, headaches, stomach aches, dizziness, shakiness, sweating, etc. can all be expressions of upset or anxious feelings. When you noticed these sensations in your body, stop and think about them. Is there a reason you’d be feeling those sensations (ex. Did you not have caffeine so you have a headache or are you outside in 90º weather so you’re sweating, etc.) or was it triggered by something and could be reflective of a larger emotional response?

Learning to tune into and understand how we’re feeling is hard work, so don’t be hard on yourself if it take you a while to get to a place where you do it naturally. If you’re looking for support in this, our clinicians can help you.  

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

How does comparison harm us?

Most obviously, comparison usually makes us feel inadequate. Particularly when we’re comparing ourselves to a carefully curated version of someone else's life (like their instagram feed). We see amazing or exciting things people are sharing, and if we’re not in the middle of something amazing or exciting ourselves, it can make us feel like we fall short. 

But it isn’t just us that it harms. Too much comparison can also be damaging to your relationships. When you’re constantly putting yourself up against someone else–out of either admiration or jealousy–you’re not seeing the other person as a full person. You’re only seeing the one thing that is provoking an emotional reaction out of you (a picture of their vacation, a post about their promotion, etc.) It can lead to jealousy, even resentment in your relationship. 

Another way comparison can cause harm is the way it leads you to over evaluate yourself. While self awareness is good, like all things it needs moderation. Excessive self awareness and self evaluation will get you stuck in your head, overthinking, and preventing you from actually meaningfully engaging in the present. If every time you have free time you’re spending it overthinking how your life compares to everyone else’s life, you’re not living it! Hyper-awareness of yourself and “flaws” will make it so you can only see those things, instead of the full picture. 

So how do we fall into the comparison trap so easily?

A huge factor in modern life is social media. It has never been so easy to see exactly what everyone is up to at just about every moment of the day. That’s an enormous amount of information to take in! Even just on instagram, posts and stories make it so we’re constantly consuming the best looking and most exciting parts of people’s lives, as though that is their normal everyday life. 

Another place to look is the people you surround yourself with. Are you constantly around overly competitive people? While a little competition can be a good thing, if your entire social circle is concerned with besting everyone they’ve ever met–of course you’re going to be constantly evaluating yourself and comparing what you find to everyone else. Make an effort to spend time around people who genuinely celebrate others–because attitudes are infectious! You will start to be able to enjoy other people’s victories without feeling like they are your losses if that is the attitude of the friends you spend time with. 

So how can you stop the comparison game?

Reduce time on social media:

This is the big one! It’s also super hard because social media is such a huge part of our lives. But, if you’re willing to put in the work it can be massively beneficial to your inner peace. Here are a few ways you can do this:

• Follow list audit: get really critical of every account you follow. What are they bringing to your feed? How does it make you feel? Unfollow, mute or block anyone that doesn’t leave you with a positive or contented feeling.

• Time restricting app: Find an app where you can set limits on your social media use. Only go on social media during certain times of the day for certain amounts of time. 

• Delete apps or accounts: want to go all in? Quit cold turkey or take an extended social media break and see how you feel. You might find you don’t miss it at all! Or you might miss certain things about it but not all of it–you can use what you learn about your experience to curate your feeds to be only what you like and missed about social media when you return. 

Explore the unexpressed need jealousy is bringing up:

If you’re feeling jealous, it’s most likely because you want something someone else has. This is a totally normal feeling! When there’s something you want that you don’t have but someone else does–well it’s only natural that it makes you feel a bit less than at first. But instead of letting the thought stop there, explore it a bit. Ask yourself, what actually is it that is making me feel “less than”?

A few examples: 

• “I’m not as beautiful as they are” Maybe you want to feel “beautiful” but what does that really mean to you? Could you instead be jealous of someone (seemingly) feeling so at home in their body? How can you help yourself cultivate that feeling?

• “My life is so boring” Maybe you’re feeling a lack of variation. Happens to all of us! What can you do to add some variation to your life? Can you take a class? Try a new restaurant? Join a club? 

This is another really hard one, because it requires us to challenge those comparative thoughts. It asks us to consistently show up for ourselves and say “I’m not less than this person, this feeling is just letting me know I want something I don’t currently have.” It can be really hard to detach that from the feeling of being less than, so use it as a guide map to getting what you want. Here’s what you’re jealous of, now brainstorm how to get it! 

Compliment yourself indulgently:

A good rule of thumb: spend as much time congratulating yourself for things you’ve done well/tried as you do focusing on things that make you feel like you can’t measure up. Our thoughts form our world, so if you’re only thinking about things that make you jealous/upset you will feel that way all of the time. If you force yourself to recognize things that make you happy/proud/excited about yourself you will start to notice them more and more!  

If you're looking for more support to stop comparing yourself to others, our clinicians can help you during this tricky time. 

How to Unlink Your Self-Worth From Your Job Status

How to Unlink Your Self-Worth From Your Job Status

In the United States, we put a lot of focus on work and productivity. When we meet someone new, we often ask “So, what do you do?” right away. We define ourselves by our jobs, and so it can be damaging to our sense of self-worth when we’re not being productive.

However, in the last year, unemployment has soared due to the covid pandemic, and many people are still out of work. We often hear statistics on unemployment, but we often don’t see the reality behind those numbers. Some people are also feeling conflicted because as jobs open back up, some businesses are having a hard time hiring. After the last year, many people have decided they don’t want to work low paying service jobs where they’re treated terribly. Some people aren’t vaccinated and don’t feel safe going back to work. Some people have realized that the path they were on is no longer the right fit for them and are trying to figure out where to go next.

If you’ve been out of work for any length of time, you know that lots of feelings can come up unexpectedly about your job status. Even if you’re happy with your current situation, the expectations and judgement from other people can be exhausting. 

If you’ve spent most of your life tying your self-worth to your work, you’re certainly not alone. Here are some ideas for how to cope when you feel like your self-worth relies on your productivity or job status. 

Be nice to yourself 

This advice is true for so many things. Lots of us are hard on ourselves without really knowing or understanding why. It’s a habit that we’ve formed, and it can be hard to break. Try to talk to yourself kindly and with compassion. If you’re having a hard time with this, imagine you’re talking to your best friend. How would you talk to them about this? Would you tell them they’re worthless because they’re not working right now? Of course you wouldn’t. Channel that same compassion toward yourself. 

Ask yourself: Who profits when I feel this way? 

Insecurity makes the world go round. It’s how advertisers convince you to buy things. When you notice feelings like “I”m not good enough” or “I’m only worthy when I have regular work”, try to dig a little deeper. Where are these thoughts coming from? Are they true? What is the evidence of their truth? Is this sense of insecurity trying to nudge me toward buying something to soothe my discomfort? Reminding yourself that someone is profiting off of your distress can be a helpful way to remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with the way you feel, but you don’t have to act on it. 

Use mantras or affirmations to remind yourself you are inherently worthy 

We are reminded from a young age that our work is our identity. We talk about what we want to be when we grow up and focus on careers, instead of on our values or our emotional state. It takes a lot of work to undo that programming. When you notice those old messages coming up, you can remind yourself that they’re not true. It takes practice, so repeating affirmations or mantras to yourself on a regular basis can help counteract the feelings that you’re not good enough. What you say to yourself matters.

Cultivate interests outside of things you can get paid for

Your worth has nothing to do with the value you create monetarily. While everyone deserves to be paid for their labor, there’s also freedom in finding joy in things you don’t get paid for. Not everything has to be monetized. You can start a hobby without turning it into a side hustle. It’s okay to spend time on things that don’t add to your bank statement. 

Participate in mutual aid groups

If you ever need the reminder that we are not alone, there are tons of organizers doing the work to bring together resources to support local folks. Even if you’re not able to donate monetarily right now to mutual aid, it can be a helpful reminder that there is help out there outside of our traditional systems of charity or government aid. We have the ability to help each other. We have this idea that if you’re not in the traditional job sphere, working 9-5, then you can’t get help, but that’s not true. Local organizations do the work every day to keep people from falling through the cracks. Can you donate time to an organization? Can you drop off some food at a local food shelf? Can you share local mutual aid requests with your network? All of these things help. 

If you are not working right now, for whatever reason, know that you are still a worthy, valuable person no matter what. That will always be true, regardless of your employment status. Your worth is not defined by your productivity or the money you can make. It’s a hard lesson to learn, because we spend so much of our lives hearing the opposite is true. Be gentle and try not to judge yourself for whatever feelings come up.

If you’re looking for more support as you deal with the fallout from the pandemic, including unemployment, our clinicians can help you during this tricky time. 

4 Myths About Grief

In the last year, we have all dealt with an enormous amount of grief. We’ve lost people, community gathering places, jobs, homes, etc. But for something that is so common, we don’t usually know a lot about grief. It is an uncomfortable and difficult feeling to have, so many of us don’t talk about it. 

But grief is common, and not understanding it actually makes it harder for us to navigate our grief and, eventually, move past it. And what’s even harder, is there are a lot of common myths about grief that get passed around as general wisdom in hard times. Today we’re going to unpack some of those myths to hopefully help you understand your grief a little better when it shows up. 

MYTH 1: Grief is just about death 

The death of a loved one is of course a source of grief, but grieving actually isn’t referring to a loss from death specifically. It is any sort of loss at all. You can grieve the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, losing a job, moving out of your house, etc. Grief is simply the recognition that what you once had (or wanted to have) has been taken away. And the grieving process is however you navigate that loss, whatever the loss is. 

MYTH 2: There are 5 stages of grief

There are many stages of grief. Most of us have heard about the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance)–so much so that they’re even mentioned in popular media like The Simpsons, 30 Rock and New Girl. And while one may experience one or some or all of these stages, it’s not the checklist we believe it to be. You don’t neatly go from denial to anger to bargaining to depression to acceptance. Some people won’t feel every single one of the five, some people will feel all five at once. Sometimes you will feel angry and accepting at the same time–that’s the complicated part about grief. It’s messy. You might go from denial to acceptance right back to denial. You might be angry the whole time. You might not be angry at all. While the five stages can happen while grieving, the roadmap we seem to think it is is just too neat to really reflect how people process their emotions. 

MYTH 3: Grief looks the same on everyone

As you might have been able to piece together from the second myth–grief isn’t going to look the same for any two people, because we aren’t following a handy little grief recipe. We’re feeling real, complicated, and intense emotions. And every person feels and processes their feelings differently, so of course your grieving process will look different to someone else's. Some might need to cry a lot. Some might not cry at all. There is no wrong way to grieve. The only “wrong” way to grieve would be to stop yourself from grieving at all. Refusing to acknowledge the loss won’t make those feelings go away, it will just make them stronger when they come up later. 

MYTH 4: There’s a clear end to grief

Grief and mourning are not the same. Mourning is the actions you take when grieving (for example, if a loved one died, mourning would be things like a funeral service, a wake, a memorial, etc.) but grief is that feeling of loss–and that feeling might not go away even when you’ve “completed” your grieving process. And by that I mean, you have acknowledged your grief, you’ve sat with it, explored it, allowed yourself to feel it fully. You’ve taken your mourning steps, and you feel as though it’s no longer debilitating, and you feel as though you’re ready to move onto a new stage of your life. Finishing that process doesn't mean you’ve dumped out all of the grief you have for the loss. It might come back in waves later on. You might think you’re “over it” and it might come back later and make you sad. That’s okay. Grief does that–it lingers. While time eases how much it stings, it doesn’t erase the loss. 

If you’re looking for support as you navigate your grieving process, therapy can be a great place to start. Get in touch with us today and we can help you. 

5 Reasons You Might Consider Ending a Friendship

5 Reasons You Might Consider Ending a Friendship

Friendship is a special kind of relationship. Friendships often transcend romantic or familial relationships. Our friends may know the most intimate versions of ourselves, and that kind of intimacy is special. We often hear phrases like “friends forever!” and assume that it’s true- and for many friends, it is. However, lifelong friendships aren’t the only friendships that are worth having. Some friendships are based on proximity or common interests, and those things can change over time. It can be a source of great shame to have a string of former friendships in your past, but it’s actually very normal. There are all sorts of reasons that friendships end, but ending a friendship is a very hard choice to make. If you’re considering ending a friendship, know that it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re allowed to voice your needs and you’re allowed to draw your own boundaries. The most important thing is to continue treating people kindly and with respect. 

When we think about breakups, we tend to think of romantic relationships. However, you can break up with friends too. There are a lot more resources out there for dealing with the end of a romantic relationship than the end of a friendship, which can make it hard to cope in the aftermath. Some friendships end with a mutual decision, some end with a disagreement, and some just sort of fade out. Each type of ending can be painful in its own way, even if you’re the one who ended the friendship. 

Ending a relationship of any kind is never easy. As humans, we are wired for connection, so it can be confusing and painful to end a connection that was special to you. Sometimes, ending a friendship will come after having conversations with each other about boundaries or expectations. You might feel better if you approach them with a conversation first instead of just ending things right there. There might also be situations where you feel better ending the friendship without talking about it first. Whatever way works for you and your situation, know that it is okay to feel a bunch of conflicting feelings about ending a friendship. You might feel relieved to not have to deal with them anymore. You might feel sad remembering the good times you had together. You might be angry at the way they treated you. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. 

Here are a few reasons why you might consider ending a friendship: 

You feel worse after you spend time with them

How do you feel after you spend time with this friend? Do they leave you feeling rejuvenated and calm, or tense and upset? We all have bad days, but if this person regularly leaves you feeling hurt or disrespected, it might be time to have a serious conversation about how they treat you. You are allowed to have expectations for the way people treat you and if people can’t meet them, you don’t owe them a relationship.  

You no longer work together or live near one another

Many friendships are proximity-based. Think about friends from high school or college, or different jobs that you’ve had. After you leave that common space, you don’t always stay close. That doesn’t mean that the friendship wasn’t meaningful to you or important, it just means that when you no longer have things in common, the friendship might naturally fade. We all have different resources available to us, and you might not have the capacity to manage all of your friendships all of the time. It’s natural to sometimes let relationships go. 

They violated a boundary or your trust

If someone has violated your sense of trust, it can be hard to stay in friendship with them. Friendships are intimate relationships, which thrive off of trust. When that is broken, it can be difficult to stay close to one another unless you both commit to doing some serious communicating. That might not be what you want to do, and that’s okay. Trust is a basic tenent of many relationships, and its okay to end a friendship when you no longer feel that trust. 

You feel taken advantage of

Do you contribute equally to the relationship, or is your friend always asking you for favors but never reciprocating? All relationships have some give and take, but over time it tends to even out. Are you always the one initiating plans? Do they only contact you when they need something from you? If you only hear from someone when they can get something from you, it’s natural to feel frustrated and resentful after a while. Friendship is supposed to be mutual, so if you’re doing all the work, it might be time to end things. 

Your interests change

Lots of friendships start around a common interest, like hiking or games. Our interests often change over time, especially when we have new experiences. Sometimes, what interests you no longer does and you move on. It might be painful to leave people behind, but as your interests grow so will your potential pool of new friends. 

Ending a friendship is a hard and personal decision. What is right for one friendship might be totally wrong for another. If you’re considering ending a friendship, know that it doesn’t make you a bad person. Our needs change over time, including the needs we have in relationships. Friendships take work and trust, and sometimes that’s just not possible or practical.

If you’re looking for support as you decide to end a friendship, therapy can be a great place to cope with the loss of an important relationship in your life. 

Setting Boundaries: Why You Should & What to Say

What is a boundary?

A boundary is something that is used to protect your mental, emotional and physical energy. They are “bounds” we put on ourselves within different relationships to make it clear “hey this is my limit! That’s all I can handle before I need to rest/recharge/spend time alone/etc.” Boundaries are not punishments we use to keep people away from us. In fact, they kind of operate as the opposite! When we have healthy boundaries, we’re able to show up much more fully in our relationships–which will bring us closer to the people in our lives, not further away. 

There are several areas in our lives where boundaries are useful. These include: 

• Material: AKA your things. What is yours? What’s to share? What is sacred/special to you? How do you share? (can people take and let you know, do you want them to ask permission first, etc.) 

• Relational: AKA your interactions with others. This involves determining what’s appropriate in your different relationships. How personal are you within each relationship? How much of your time/energy/etc are you willing to devote within relationships? Who will you go out of your way for? Who can just pop over to your house? Who do you feel comfortable loaning money to? What forms of communication outside of in-person are you comfortable with? Do you have boundaries on who you follow/interact with on social media? Who are you comfortable sharing your address with? 

• Physical: AKA your space & body. This would be things like who comes over to your house, who is allowed in your bedroom, who has your address. It also of course includes boundaries regarding your body, like who can touch you, when you’re open to being touched by others, how you’re comfortable being touched, your personal space, etc. These boundaries are all about how people can behave around you and in your space. 

• Time: AKA your time–how do you want to use it? When you have obligation-free time, how much of that is devoted to social time, and how much is devoted to alone time? This can also cover how you tend to prioritize when hard choices come up and you can’t balance everything like you thought you could. For example, if something comes up that makes two obligations conflict with one another, how will you decide which to skip/reschedule/etc.? 

• Emotional: AKA your emotions -- how do you separate your feelings from that of another person’s? How will you take responsibility for your own emotions versus that of another’s? Or avoid letting another person’s feelings influence or dictate your own? 

Setting boundaries isn’t just deciding on your own limits and operating under the assumption that everyone will learn them as you go.

They are things that require clear communication in order to work! While the boundaries you set might be clear and obvious to you, you’re a unique person! What makes sense to you might not be what makes sense to someone else. When you’ve decided on a boundary, make sure you communicate it to the relevant people so that everyone has the opportunity to honor the boundary. 

Setting boundaries also often means needing to reinforce them. 

Whether intentionally or not, boundaries get violated sometimes! If someone slips up and crosses a boundary you’ve set, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. We all get a little scatterbrained sometimes, they may have momentarily forgotten the boundary you set with them. Just gently remind them of it, and let them know it’s something very important to you. 

Because discussing boundaries can make us feel so vulnerable, some of us have a tendency to react drastically when they are violated. There can be an urge to cut people off automatically–an attitude of “if they can’t respect my boundary they can’t be in my life.” Which is appropriate when a boundary has been repeatedly ignored or violated! However, if it’s the first time it’s happening, it likely was not done out of malice. Address the issue directly, and move on if there is no improvement.  

Below are some examples of ways you can begin conversations about boundaries: 

Setting boundaries: 

• “I’m open to you just dropping by, but please just text me when you’re on your way so I have a little notice. I want to be more flexible because I know it’s important to you but I will feel less anxious if I have a small amount of structure or routine.” 

• “There are a few groceries I paid for separately–please ask me before you use them, I bought them as a special treat for myself. Everything else we can share as usual.” 

• “Please ask me before you borrow my clothes. I’m happy to lend them to you, but sometimes I have plans and I want to wear certain things, so just ask me if I need the piece before you borrow it.” 

• “I’m not in a spot where I can loan you money right now, but I’d like to support you any other way I can. Is there anything else I can help take off of your plate while you manage this problem?” 

• “I’m happy you feel comfortable around me, but I’m not ready to move forward in our relationship yet. I’d like to go on a few more dates before kissing/going back to your place/labeling the relationship.”

• “I appreciate the invite! Since it’s last minute, I’ve already made plans with myself, but I’d like to see you sometime soon! When’s the next time you’ll be free for lunch?” 

Reaffirming boundaries:

• “I just want to remind you to please not discuss diets with me. I don’t find it appropriate for the workplace. If it’s going to be a topic of conversation please let me know so I can remove myself from the area.”

• “I’ve enjoyed dating you but if I have to keep reminding you to slow down like we’ve discussed, I can’t continue seeing you.” 

• “I just want to remind you that I don’t answer work calls/emails after X. You can leave me a message, and I’ll get back to you when I’m back in the office!” 

• “I’m a little frustrated because I’ve mentioned this several times before. If you continue to violate this boundary, I’m going to have to do what’s best for me and not spend time with you anymore.” 

• “I’ve told you before I’m not comfortable with that, please stop asking me.” 

• “Hey, just wanted to remind you that the groceries I marked and put away separately were ones I bought specifically for myself. I know we usually share, so I understand if you forgot! Just going forward if you could not eat those specific items I would really appreciate it.” 

If you need support setting and communicating your boundaries, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

6 Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion

6 Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion

The way that you treat yourself matters. Have you ever noticed the way that you talk to yourself? There are lots of reasons why we’re harder on ourselves than on anyone else. Some folks experienced abuse growing up that taught them not to expect any compassion. Others had caregivers who weren’t nurturing or who constantly criticized them. We hear a lot about self-love, especially in therapy spaces, but self-love isn’t always within reach for people. Starting with self-compassion can be a great way to build up your resilience and confidence. 

What is self-compassion?

Simply put, self-compassion is being nice to yourself. The idea of self-compassion is drawn from Buddhism. Being kind to yourself might sound really simplistic, but it can be a lot harder than it sounds. Many of us have a voice in our heads that chimes in when we mess up. That voice is called the Inner Critic, and it can be hard to notice it sometimes. There are times when we’re so immersed in beating ourselves up that we don’t even consider that there’s another option. However, there is always another option. Being kind, gentle, and understanding to yourself is always a choice you can make, it just takes practice to remember that that’s an option. 

Think about it: when someone has tried to motivate you by being mean to you, did that ever work? Probably not, right? It’s hard to get people to listen to you and respect you if you’re being a jerk all the time. The same is true for your brain! If you’re constantly being mean to yourself, eventually your brain will internalize the message that there is something wrong with you. You might even get to a place where you don’t want to try anything because you're sure you’ll mess it up somehow. If this is how you’re feeling, know that there is hope. Just as you learned to be unkind to yourself, you can learn how to be kind to yourself instead. It takes practice, and it won’t happen overnight, but you can begin to change your internal narrative that you’re not good enough. 

Here are some exercises you can to do cultivate more self-compassion:

Write down what your Inner Critic says

Sometimes we don’t even realize all the negative stuff our Inner Critic is saying. A great way to start to build up your self-compassion is to start to keep track of what your Inner Critic is saying. When you know what your Inner Critic is up to, you can focus on correcting those assumptions and silencing that voice in your head. Keep a note in your phone or a page in your journal where you write down what you say to yourself. Try to keep track for a few days so you can start to see patterns in your thinking. What are the common themes that you struggle with? How can you rewrite what your critic says in a more compassionate way? 

Write a letter to yourself

Writing can help us get in touch with our feelings and lessen the sense of shame we feel for our feelings. From a place of kindness and compassion, write yourself a letter. If it helps, imagine you’re writing to a younger version of yourself. What would you want them to know? Are there things you’re ashamed of or that you judge yourself for? Try to get it all out on the page. Sometimes the physical act of writing can help us begin to process our feelings and identify patterns in our thinking. 

Pretend you’re talking to your BFF

If you talked to your best friend the way you talk to yourself, they probably wouldn’t be your friend anymore. So why do you talk to yourself like that? Try to approach yourself with the same sense of compassion and gentleness that you would use with your friends. You deserve to be treated with respect, even from yourself. 

Forgive yourself

Is there something that you need to forgive yourself for? Holding on to this feeling of guilt and shame will only make you feel worse over time. Take a look at what is bringing those feelings up for you. Remind yourself that you were doing the best you could at the time. If there are things that you could have done differently, acknowledge that and remind yourself that you’re capable of changing. It might help to write this down in a journal so you can revisit it when that old shame pops it’s head up again. You are worthy of your own forgiveness. 

Remind yourself that perfection doesn’t exist

Perfectionism can distort our thinking. The idea that we have to do everything perfectly or not at all is destructive. You don’t have to be perfect, and that’s not a reasonable expectation to have of yourself. If your caregivers in the past demanded perfection, remind yourself that that’s not the only way. Holding yourself to impossible standards is a recipe for resentment, burnout, and shame. You are good enough just as you are right now. 

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness teaches us to connect with the present moment. When you’re in the middle of a self-shame spiral, it can be a game-changer to gently remind yourself to slow down, take some deep breaths, and focus on the present. Notice your thoughts without judging them. A mindfulness practice is a great way to practice not judging yourself. If you start to slip into judgment mode, gently let those thoughts pass. Remind yourself that you don't have to be perfect. 

Do things that bring you joy

You deserve to feel joy, and sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. Make time (as in, put it on your schedule) for doing things that bring you joy. Feeling joy + motivation can let you see yourself in a whole new light. Also, doing things you enjoy can be confidence-boosting - with practice you’ll eventually improve, and being good at something can be a powerful feeling. Even just the act of trying new things can make you feel happy, no matter what your skill level is. 

Being kind to yourself sounds simplistic, but it can be really tricky to break the habit of being mean to yourself. Cultivating self-compassion is something that takes time and effort. If you’re looking for guidance and support as you work on your self-compassion, a therapist can help you on this journey.

Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!