Exploring Perfectionism and Being Ok With ‘Good Enough’

Do you feel a lot of pressure to be perfect? In a world that is increasingly scary and confusing, it’s tempting to try to control as much as we can. However, the pressure to be perfect can be overwhelming and lead to a lot of distress. After all, perfect isn’t an achievable goal for most things. We’re humans. We’re messy, we make mistakes, and sometimes we do the best we can and it’s still not “perfect”. You may associate perfectionism with being hyper-focused on details and always getting things done, but a lot of people who struggle with perfectionism actually have a hard time even getting a project started, let alone finished.

Perfectionism doesn’t always manifest itself in real life the way it’s depicted in the media. One powerful way to fight against the idea of perfectionism is the idea that we can be good enough. We don’t have to be perfect, and perfection isn’t an achievable goal. We can learn to be okay with being good enough.

What is perfectionism

Perfectionism can be traced back to cognitive distortions, like all-or-nothing thinking. As a refresher, cognitive distortions are faulty ways of thinking that we learn to believe are true. All or nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion that means you tend to think in extremes. You’re either successful or a failure. You’re smart or stupid. Instead of leaving room for all the nuance of being a human, all or nothing thinking paints things in black and white. 

It makes sense that we would believe our thoughts, because in general we like to think that we can trust ourselves. However, sometimes our thoughts aren’t true. Sometimes we get so used to thinking one way that we forget there are other ways to think. Striving for perfection doesn’t make you a bad person. In fact, lots of people encourage others to strive for a sort of “healthy” perfection as a way to motivate themselves to do their best. 

The trouble with this is that it’s easy to slip from trying your best because you want to to trying to be perfect because you want to be seen by others as perfect. 

Brene Brown has written about this phenomenon in her work on imperfection, vulnerability, and shame: 

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Shame, judgment, and blame are painful feelings. It makes sense that we want to avoid those feelings! In our search to avoid those painful feelings, though, we often end up feeling that way anyway. When you try your best because you want to, you might feel a sense of pride. However, most of the time we’re trying to be perfect to please someone else. Feeling like you have to prove yourself to be worthy of respect and kindness is a recipe for burnout and shame. 

Some folks who struggle with perfectionism deal with things like procrastination. It might sound counterintuitive that someone who is a perfectionist would struggle with getting started, but some folks struggle with the idea that if they can’t do it perfectly, they don’t want to do it at all.  

What does “good enough” mean? 

Good enough means that we don’t have to do everything perfectly at all times. Good enough means that sometimes the job that gets done isn’t pretty, but it’s effective. For example, you don’t need to have the perfect storage containers and pantry layout before you organize your kitchen. You just need to be able to see what you have in your cupboards so you can put a meal together. You don’t have to always have the perfect materials or perfect plan to get things done. Instead of striving for perfect, we can learn to be happy with the freedom that “good enough” gives us. When you don’t have to spend all of your time worrying about how you’ll do everything exactly right, you have more time to spend on things that make you happy and revitalize you.  

Good enough doesn’t have to mean the same thing from situation to situation. 

There might be things you want to do a really really good job on. There might be things that you realize don’t need quite as much of your attention. Letting go of perfectionism and embracing the idea of good enough means that you can assess each situation as it comes up and decide what is good enough for that particular thing. You might still put lots of effort into work projects or connecting with your friends, but spend less time planning your grocery list or organizing your things. 

Being good enough doesn’t mean that you’re lazy either. It means that you know how to prioritize your energy and protect your boundaries so you can actually enjoy your life. 

Learning to be ok with good enough takes a lot of practice. After all, we live in a culture that prizes folks for being exceptional. It’s natural to want to feel successful and like you matter. However, trying to do everything perfectly just leaves you feeling drained and less than.

If you’re looking for more support overcoming perfectionism, our therapists are trained in modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you move from feeling hopeless to feeling empowered.  

3 Things Your Inner Child Needs to Hear from You

What is an inner child?

Have you heard the phrase inner child before? Do you know what it is? Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like! It’s the childhood versions of yourself that you carry with you now. Think about it: as you age you don’t lose those past selves. When you turn eleven, your ten year old self doesn’t stop existing. She’s just now tucked away in the heart of your eleven year old self! 

But what does that really mean?

It means that while yes, we may be adults now, sometimes it is not our adult self reacting to what’s happening to us, but the hurt child inside of us. When you feel like you’re “overreacting” or “being crazy” what’s most likely happening is that an old wound from childhood, which never really healed, was activated again. And while your adult self may know logically, you are going to be okay and you don’t need to “freak out” that freak out you’re feeling is your inner child trying to get your attention. They’re shouting “hey! Something’s wrong! Help me!” 

Now, this doesn’t mean that every time you’re upset you should think “this is no big deal it’s just the little kid in me freaking out.” In fact the opposite! Minimizing it as just a childlike meltdown won’t help you–it will just brush the problem aside until it comes up again. And it will come up again until the wound is tended to, as you’ve already seen! 

Instead, imagine you are standing next to your inner child.

Picture your younger self, at eight years old, at ten, at twelve, etc. Whatever age it is that needs your attention. Think about the hurt they are feeling. Maybe even imagine you’re asking them. Ask them, “what’s wrong? What are you feeling?” 

You can have this conversation out loud yourself, or in your head, or in a journal if you find that’s helpful. The most important thing in the process is to show your inner child the kindness and patience you may not have gotten.

If you don’t know where to start, here are 3 things inner child needs to hear from you to facilitate that healing: 

I’m glad you’re here.

If you’re carrying around unhealed wounds from childhood, it’s likely you weren’t made to feel safe enough to ask for help. You might have been made to feel like a burden, which may have made it hard or even impossible for you to call attention to yourself when you needed an adult to step up and help you. That inner child inside you–even if they are just “talking” to you–may still have this fear. Welcome them, tell them you’re glad they are there–and you’re glad they shouted loud enough for you to hear them. You are happy to see them, and you want to help. 

It’s not fair that you feel this way. Or: It’s not fair that that happened to you. 

While you can make space to listen to your inner child, you can’t go back in time and fix whatever hurt them. This can feel painful to realize–for your adult self and your inner child. You can't fix the hurt! That’s natural. But sometimes all we can do, even for ourselves is to acknowledge the hurt.  You know as an adult that the way you were treated as a child wasn’t right, but that child in you still doesn’t know. They still think it’s how they deserve to be treated, or that it’s their fault. Letting them know it’s not your fault and it’s not fair can be an incredibly powerful way to start that healing. 

I’m proud of you for surviving. 

Many of us develop habits in childhood that help us survive our environments–both physically and emotionally. However, some of these habits can be things like protecting your feelings, avoiding vulnerability, trying to predict others feelings or actions, etc. All of these things can help protect a child in an emotionally volatile environment where they are punished for needing support. But as we age, those tools no longer serve us, and what was crucial for survival once now can get in the way of growth and happiness. Instead of resenting the child in you for developing these habits, let them know you’re proud of them for doing what they needed to do to survive. Let them know you understand their hesitation, but that it’s safe now and you’re there to help them drop those habits as they heal. 

Talking to your inner child isn’t the only way to work on healing! You can take some time to think about things you liked as a child, what brought you joy and made you feel safe, and incorporate those into your life now to show that inner child they are welcome and safe. You can choose to do things that seem silly because you know they will help feed that inner child. Go rollerskating, paint with your fingers, make some playdough! Your inner child will thank you.  

If you’re looking to go deeper into your inner child work, our therapists can help support you. Get in touch with us today to schedule an appointment!

What to Teach Your Child About Worry

We’ve talked a bit about anxiety in children before, but what about regular worrying? How can we teach our children the difference between the two? And what can we do to help them develop healthy coping skills for both?

While worrying isn’t a chronic condition the way an anxiety disorder is, it still is something kids need guidance on how to handle. Like all big emotions, they can feel scary and overwhelming when that emotion is new to you. 

So first, what’s the difference between worry and anxiety?

Worry tends to be specific, and grounded in reality (ex. I’m worried I won’t do well on this test because I’ve been struggling in this class) while anxiety is typically more generalized and does not necessarily use logic to assess risk. Anxiety is chronic, long lasting, while worry is temporary–and usually due to a specific, high-pressure circumstance. Along with these differences, the way worry and anxiety show up in us is different. While worry is mainly just your mind (worried thoughts) anxiety can be both mind and body. There are many physical symptoms of anxiety to look out for, which can help you distinguish whether you’re feeling anxiety or worry. 

The main difference between anxiety and worry is that anxiety often impairs function, and worry does not. Worry may actually work as a motivator, while anxiety can often make you feel frozen and unable to make any changes. 

If you think what your child is experiencing is anxiety, not worry, you can find more signs, symptoms & tips on how to help here. 

But, what do we need to teach children about worry?

Worrying is normal

Everyone worries! So if they are feeling worry that’s, well, nothing to be worried about. (If it begins to impair their functioning, then it’s time to get outside support). Let them know that you worry about things too! Share some things you worry about, and how you find healthy ways to cope with that worry. Ask them what they are worried about, and let them know they can always share when they are feeling that way. 

Worrying comes from somewhere: 

If your child doesn’t typically feel nervous or worried, when they do, it might be hard or overwhelming for them to handle. They might not know enough about themselves and their feelings to figure out why they are feeling worried or what caused it without help or guidance. Take some time to listen to their worries. Again, if you think it will comfort them, share one of your own worries and how you manage it. Then, sit with them and find some possible methods of easing that worry. 

If your child is worried about a presentation for school, for example, you can ask them if they are worried about the work they’ve done, or if it’s the pressure of presenting in front of peers, or if they are just worried about their grade. Help them find ways to problem solve the worry as much as you can (ex. Practice the presentation in front of you, go over their work with them to be sure they didn’t forget anything, remind them of how much hard work they put into the project, etc.). 

Worrying isn’t always bad: 

We worry for a reason. Just like we have pain receptors for a reason–a little discomfort can signal to us that something is wrong and needs to be taken care of. When you’re in a dangerous situation and you feel worried–that’s not anxiety being irrational or your brain trying to punish you. It’s setting off a little alarm saying “hey! Something’s not right and we need to do something about that.” Teaching your kids to investigate their worries and listen to that little alarm that goes off will help them to strengthen their own intuition, and help them later distinguish between a gut feeling telling them something is wrong, and anxiety setting off an alarm for something that isn’t there. 

If you're looking for support for your child, or if you're not sure where to begin, contact us today for help! 

6 Tips to Help Improve Your Sleep

Do you struggle with sleep? From creating a routine to settling in, to staying soundly asleep until morning, sleep issues are extremely common. It seems like we all need a little support figuring out works! But our health, our mood, and our energy levels are all improved when we get the right amount of deep, restful sleep, so it’s important to find a routine that works for you! So today we’re going over 6 tips to help improve your sleep: 

Set a “bedtime warning” alarm: 

By this, I don’t mean an alarm that means “get in bed now.” Instead, give yourself a built in buffer! Decide around what time you’d like to be in bed at night. Let’s say it’s 10:30pm. If you want to be in bed by around 10:30pm every night, set up a daily alarm on your phone for around 9:30pm. That will be your signal that you have about an hour until “bedtime.” In that time you can wrap up anything that needs to be done, and engage in whatever nighttime routine you have. That way you’re not feeling the pressure every night when you realize “oh no it’s 10:30, I wanted to be in bed by now!” And it will create a routine your body can learn to respond to: when you hear the alarm and start your routine–even if it varies a little day to day–your body will get used to getting into “bedtime mode” and it can help you transition into sleep easier. 

Wear yourself out a little–gently: 

A small amount of gentle movement right before bed is a great way to let your body know “okay! We’re going to sleep now!” It helps to both tire your body out a bit, as well as refocus your energy on your physical body & feelings, instead of any racing thoughts you may have in your head. Some exercise will energize you, however, so stick to something slow and gentle like stretching or yoga. Keep a yoga mat by your bed, do a few gentle moves, maybe repeat them for a few cycles, and then hop right into bed. Find the balance that works best for you; remember the point is to get your body ready to rest, as well as quieting your mind so it doesn’t keep you up. If you’re running on a treadmill and hopping off more energized than before, that is not going to help your sleep! 

Eliminate screens at night: 

This is probably one you’ve heard before–but that’s because it’s true. The blue light in screens actually messes with your circadian rhythm, which of course then throws your sleeping patterns all out of whack! We don’t live in a world where we can really go days without screens–lots of us have to use them for work–but what we can do is  limit our exposure to them before bed. A good idea is to use that “bedtime warning” alarm as a marker that it’s time to put your computer away or turn your tv off or set down your phone. You could also ease into it and set a second alarm about a half hour later, and work your way up to an hour of no screen time before bed as you establish a routine. 

Increase bright light exposure during the daytime: 

On the opposite side of that, lots of exposure to bright natural light during the day helps to keep your circadian rhythm happy & healthy! (Just like it can do for you!) If you can, open blinds or windows to let as much natural light into your home or workspace as you can. If that isn’t a possibility, consider getting a lamp that is made to mimic the effects of natural light (sometimes called a SAD lamp). 

Consider your environment: 

What is your bedroom like? Are there things about it that constantly distract you from sleep? For example: is your bed near a window that lets too much light into your room? Or does the noise from outside the window bother you as you try to fall asleep? Do you find yourself not able to get comfortable because you’re too hot no matter your pajamas or what your home temperature is set to? Lots of these things feel out of our control but we can take time to find solutions, even if they are imperfect ones, because any improvement to our sleep is better than none!

To go along with these examples some things you could do are: 

• Move your bed to a different part of the room. Get away from the window if possible. 

• Get thick or blackout curtains to block the light from coming in the window. 

• Download a white noise app on your phone to play to cover the noises that come in from outside. 

• Get a fan on the lowest setting and set it next to your bed. Or look for sheets designed specifically for people who over heat while sleeping. (It’s a common problem!) 

Stay hydrated throughout the day: 

This one might not seem like it could affect your sleep but stay with me! If you are properly hydrating yourself throughout the day, you won’t get that rush of “I’m so thirsty!!” late at night which can both: 

1. Make it difficult for you to fall asleep if you don’t get something to drink, as you’ll be physically uncomfortable from being dehydrated. 

2. Make it so you’re waking up constantly to use the bathroom, since you drank your days worth of water right before bed. 

Use that alarm an hour before bed as a sort of “last call” while you’re getting used to staying hydrated throughout the day if you need to. When it goes off use it as a check: do I need something to drink? If so, get a quick glass of water. Then (hopefully!) you won’t need another drink before bed, and it won’t be keeping you awake. 

If you need more support, contact us today! Our therapists can help you find a mindful nighttime routine that works for you. 

7 Lesser Known Signs of ADHD

Do you ever have problems with attention and focus? We all go through periods where we have a hard time concentrating - like when we have a big life event or when we’re unwell. However, some people experience difficulty with attention and focus that’s more than just the occasional annoyance. Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a diagnosis we hear about all the time, but there is more than one way to have ADHD. The symptoms of ADHD present themselves differently in different folks, so if you weren’t diagnosed as a youngster in school you’re not alone.

It’s common for ADHD to be diagnosed in school-age children, but adults can be diagnosed with it as well, and sometimes the symptoms present differently in adults than in children. It’s also important to note that women and minorities are often underdiagnosed with ADHD, whereas white men are typically diagnosed according to the popular criteria. The way that ADHD presents in adults, women, and minorities might not be the “classic” ADHD symptoms that we’re familiar with, so it’s important to understand lesser known signs of ADHD. 

To start, what is ADHD?

ADHD stands for Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. When you think of ADHD, you might think of the classic symptoms that are often discussed, like inattention and hyperactivity. Another classic symptom is difficulty with executive functioning, which helps us plan, organize, and focus. ADHD is commonly diagnosed in school settings, because younger children commonly express the external symptoms of ADHD. These symptoms are things like:

• Constantly fidgeting

• Talking without waiting for their turn

• Short attention span or easily distracted

• Being forgetful or misplacing things

• Interrupting

• Unable to sit still

• Constantly talking or moving around

• Seems unable to follow instructions

• Acting without thinking of consequences

• Switching from task to task frequently

However, ADHD can actually have a number of different symptoms. Women, minorites, and adults are less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD because their symptoms often present differently than those listed above. When people understand the symptoms to be aware of, it’s easier to get diagnosed and get treatment that can help.

Here are some lesser known signs of ADHD to watch out for: 

Hyperfocus

We commonly think of ADHD as a disorder where people can’t focus, but sometimes people with ADHD experience hyperfocus instead. This is where they can focus on one thing for extended periods of time. It can be hard with folks with ADHD to switch from task to task so instead they have razor like focus on one thing. This can be an intense state of concentration where you lose track of time or miss other important information. 

Time management issues

People with ADHD often have a hard time with time management. If you’re frequently late or have difficulty managing your time to get things done, ADHD might be the culprit. Often folks with ADHD have a warped sense of time, where a focus on what’s happening right now overshadows the future. 

Emotional sensitivity 

Another symptom is feeling especially sensitive to criticism and rejection. When folks with ADHD feel they’re being criticized or rejected, it can lead to withdrawing socially or even hostility. ADHD can also be a source of shame for some people as there is still stigma out there surrounding mental health. Often adults who are diagnosed with ADHD have been told their whole lives that they’re lazy or that something is wrong with them because their brains work differently than other people. This can also leave people feeling emotionally sensitive and vigilant to criticism. 

Sleep problems

Many folks with ADHD have difficulty sleeping. If you find yourself tossing and turning at night, having trouble falling or staying asleep, or deal with insomnia, this could be related to ADHD. Fatigue from getting poor sleep consistently can also lead to things like difficulty focusing and forgetfulness, which are two classic symptoms of ADHD. 

Difficulty controlling emotions 

Emotional outbursts can be common in people with ADHD. It can be harder to control your emotions when you have difficulty with impulse control and executive functioning. This can leave people feeling frustrated, or impact relationships with others. 

Low tolerance for boredom

People with ADHD tend to crave stimuli of all kinds, so being bored can be distressing. Boredom can leave someone with ADHD feeling anxious and on edge instead of relaxed like it might for someone without ADHD. 

Impulsive shopping

Impulsivity can come through in adulthood in several ways, but one big one is shopping. Do you find yourself making a lot of impulsive purchases or shopping to soothe your emotions? Does this cause distress to you emotionally and financially? This habit may be tied to ADHD, so if you’re beating yourself up about your lack of control try to be gentle with yourself. 

What to do if you suspect you have ADHD

If you suspect that you have ADHD, know that it’s not uncommon for people to be diagnosed later in life. Your ADHD is not less valid because you didn’t get a diagnosis until you were an adult. Talk to your therapist and your primary care provider to discuss being diagnosed. It’s okay for you to write down questions or concerns you have beforehand, because sometimes it’s hard to remember when you’re in the moment. 

Getting any sort of mental health diagnosis can be intimidating, so if you’re feeling overwhelmed know that you don’t have to go through this alone. It can be helpful to finally have a name to explain your experiences, but it can also be scary to move forward with treatment when you’ve always just gotten through on your own.

Our therapists can help you come to terms with what your diagnosis means for you and how you can manage your ADHD symptoms going forward. 

Managing Cognitive Distortions

We’ve been talking a lot about cognitive distortions on our blog recently.

In case you missed it though, a cognitive distortion is a pattern of thinking we have that leads us to believe untrue, negative thoughts. And we’ve covered a lot of them including: 

• All or nothing thinking

• Catastrophizing

• Personalization

• Jumping to conclusions

• Emotional reasoning

• Discounting the positive

• Filtering

• Overgeneralization

• Magnification + minimization

• Should statements

• Magical thinking

• Fortune telling

• Control fallacies

• Fallacy of fairness

• Blaming

• Fallacy of change

• Always being right

• Labeling 

Looking at them all together can make them seem overwhelming! How are there so many different types of negative thinking patterns and how could we possibly manage to avoid them? The truth is we can’t always avoid negative thinking, and learning to reroute your thinking patterns takes a lot of work. But we can care for ourselves by becoming aware of these patterns, and developing strategies to deal with them when we notice them popping up.

Some things you can do to manage cognitive distortions include: 

Sit with the distortion when you notice it: 

If you’ve noticed one of the cognitive distortions present in your thinking, don’t just dismiss it as “bad.” While it is important to recognize it as a negative thinking pattern, that doesn’t mean your thoughts should be tossed aside like they don’t matter! Instead, take it as an opportunity to explore the thought. 

For example, if you’re falling into the pattern of fortune telling–predicting how people will behave without giving them an opportunity to show you themselves–don’t just tell yourself “you don’t actually know what you’re talking about, you can’t predict how people will behave,” explore why you’re doing that in the first place. Are you protecting yourself from harm? Where did that habit come from? Was it necessary in other relationships to try to anticipate someone else’s behavior for your own safety? How did that habit serve you then? How is it no longer serving you? What is it getting in the way of in your life, or your growth? 

Give yourself a chance to understand why these patterns come up for you in the first place. 

Hold “trial” for the distortion:

Pretend you are an impartial judge and look at the case your distortion is presenting. Is it convincing? For example: if you’re falling into the pattern of catastrophizing and your boss emails you to let you know they want to schedule a time to meet with you, your mind jumps to the conclusion that “oh my God, I’m going to get fired.” Let yourself have that thought, but don’t take it as fact without examining the evidence. What evidence is there that you would be fired? If it is just the email, that’s not actually enough to make the case for it! 

Remind yourself of the shades of gray: 

The problem with most cognitive distortions is that they work in extremes. When we forget about the messy middle, it’s easy to jump to the worst case scenario. In reality, it’s unlikely that either the best possible or the worst possible scenario will occur. Usually, we’re somewhere in the middle. When you start to think things like “if this goes wrong, everything will go wrong,” or “everything is riding on this” or “if I can’t do this, I’m a failure” challenge yourself to find one true thing that contradicts the idea that it’s the worst possible scenario to be in. 

To learn more about cognitive behavioral therapy and how it can help you challenge your negative thought patterns, get in touch with us today. Our clinicians are trained in CBT and can help you reframe your unhelpful thought patterns so you can cope more effectively. 

10 More Cognitive Distortions to Be Aware Of

Our goal at Hope + Wellness is to help all of our clients live happier, healthier lives where they can cope with anything that comes their way. One way we do this is by teaching coping skills and using evidence based modalities to treat mental health disorders. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is one modality we use that helps people challenge their negative thought patterns and eventually change their way of thinking.

You might wonder why you’d want to change the way you think - after all, isn’t that what makes you, you? However, sometimes our thoughts can lead to major distress. If you’ve experienced a mental health disorder, you may be familiar with having to challenge your thoughts. It’s important to remember that our thoughts and feelings aren’t facts, and just because we think something doesn’t make it true. We use CBT to treat a number of different issues, like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, perinatal mood + anxiety disorders, sleep challenges, and relationship problems.

One aspect of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is identifying the patterns in your thinking. We have a name for these patterns in CBT -  they’re called cognitive distortions. A cognitive distortion is a faulty way of thinking that we learn to believe is true. CBT teaches you to identify your cognitive distortions so you can challenge the negative thought patterns and not let them control your life. We’ve talked about cognitive distortions before on the blog - we described 8 different distortions that pop up commonly for people. However, there are far more than just 8 so we’re back with more examples. The first step to changing your negative thought patterns is to spot them, so keep an eye out for any of these cognitive distortions in your thoughts. 

Here are 10 more cognitive distortions to watch out for in your thinking: 

1. Magnification + Minimization

Magnification is when you exaggerate the importance of events. Minimization is the opposite - it’s when you downplay the importance of events. For example, you oversleep and miss an important interview, you may magnify the importance of your alarm going off at the right time and minimize your role in it not going off at the right time (i.e. you forgot to charge your phone). This cognitive distortion keeps you from accepting your role in what happened.

2. Should statements

Should statements are beliefs that things should always be a certain way. When you’re constantly reminding yourself that you ‘should’ be doing something, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Should statements give you unreasonable expectations for what you’re able to accomplish and make you feel less than for doing your best. If you use these a lot, you may never feel like what you do is good enough.

3. Magical thinking

Magical thinking is the belief that your thoughts or actions will influence a specific outcome. You may think that because you’re a good person, bad things can never happen to you. Magical thinking can also be when you assume that your problems will be magically solved. For example, you might feel like your “real life” will start when you lose weight or find a romantic partner. This type of thinking can make us feel like we’re in control when that’s not really the case. 

4. Fortune telling

Fortune telling is a distortion that’s related to jumping to conclusions, a distortion we covered in our last post. Jumping to conclusions means you’ve decided something without evidence. One aspect of this is predicting what people will do or say based on your interpretation of events. You might feel like you know how things will go, so there’s no hope doing anything differently. However, people have their own free will and you have no control over what they’ll do, nor can you predict it. It might make you feel in control at the time, but overall it will leave you feeling lonely. 

5. Control fallacies

Control fallacies are the false idea that we are controlled by either external or internal factors. If you feel that you are externally controlled, you might feel like you have no control over your life. You may feel like fate is deciding things for you and you’re just along for the ride. If you feel that you’re internally controlled, you have the false belief that you are able to control everything around you at all times. It can be hard to let go of the idea that not everything is about you, but it’s important to start giving up that belief. 

6. Fallacy of fairness

This is the false belief that everything in life must be fair and that you are the only one capable of judging what is fair. This fallacy can leave you feeling resentful because you feel that you know better than everyone else but they won’t believe you. However, it’s important to remember that life isn’t fair, even if you strongly believe it should be. Insisting that everything always be fair is a recipe for hopelessness and resentment. 

7. Blaming

This type of cognitive distortion is when someone places blame for something solely on one person - either someone else or themselves. People who blame others always find a way to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, and people who blame themselves always find a way to take on something that isn’t theirs to carry. The fact is that sometimes things happen, and it is our fault. Sometimes something happens to us, and we have nothing to do with it. 

8. Fallacy of change

This fallacy tells us that if we pressure or cajole someone enough, they will change the way we want them to. People are allowed to make their own decisions, even if you don’t agree. It is not on others to change their behavior to make you happy - you need to make yourself happy. It’s not fair to put your happiness on other people. 

9. Always being right 

When someone struggles with always being right, they find it almost impossible to admit that they are wrong. This distortion can involve constantly trying to prove that you’re right by whatever means necessary, even though that can be very alienating to others. Being right is not more important than people’s feelings. 

10. Labeling

Labeling is when you minimize something down to a single (usually negative) descriptor. For example, you might have yourself labeled as “lazy” even though there isn’t much evidence for it. You might label other people as “jerks” or “failures”. This is a dangerous type of overgeneralization that can leave you doubting your self worth and alienating others - after all, no one wants to be labeled. 

To learn more about CBT and how it can help you challenge your negative thought patterns, get in touch with us today. Our clinicians have training in CBT and they can help you find effective ways to cope while you challenge your negative thought patterns. 

What is All or Nothing Thinking?

Last time we started talking about common cognitive distortions. 

As a quick review, cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking we may have that leads to (untrue) negative thoughts that we take as fact. 

These patterns don’t have to control your thoughts forever, though. With cognitive behavioral therapy, you can start to identify these thought patterns, and then challenge them! We went over eight common cognitive distortions, which include: 

• All or nothing thinking 

• Catastrophizing

• Personalization

• Jumping to conclusions

• Emotional reasoning 

• Discounting the positive 

• Filtering 

• Overgeneralization 

Today we’re going to focus on just one: all or nothing thinking. So, what is all or nothing thinking?

It really is just what it sounds like: your thoughts work in extremes. You might have heard it called “black and white” thinking. The lack of “gray area” leaves little room for nuance, paints things are purely good or purely bad. You can be a success or you can be a failure. You can be perfect or you can be worthless. You can be smart or you can be stupid. With all or nothing thinking there is no middle ground. What does this kind of thinking do to us?

All or nothing thinking puts too much pressure on us:

This lack of middle ground automatically raises the stakes for everything we attempt. If the options are to try and succeed or to try and be a failure, naturally there would be a huge amount of pressure on every activity. That’s too much pressure for one person to deal with! All or nothing thinking tells you that you can either do something well or you can fail at something. Which means that with this thinking you can either be a successful, valuable person, or worthless. 

It prevents us from seeing the reality around us clearly: 

Life is not black and white. In fact, most of life is smack dab right in the middle of that messy gray area that all or nothing thinking patterns tend to ignore. The people you meet, the interactions you have, the places you visit, the things you do or see: none of these things are purely good or bad, smart or stupid, etc. When we narrow our thinking to opposing options, we miss a lot of other things that we can’t quite make work with our black and white thinking. 

It gets in the way of us learning + growing: 

Let’s say you’re an actor and you have an audition for a play. When you get there, your nerves get the better of you, and you don’t give the quality performance that you had rehearsed. In all or nothing thinking that would lead you to believe: I’m a bad actor, I’m a failure, I’ll never be cast in a play. While it may feel that way in the moment, it likely is not the whole truth. But when we can’t see the gray areas, when we can only see success vs. failure, we don’t leave any room for ourselves to learn, try again, or improve. 

So what can you do?

To challenge all or nothing thinking, you need to start to get rid of absolute terms. When you start to designate something as all good or bad take an intentional pause. Ask yourself, what are you missing? What is the gray area being ignored? 

Let’s go back to the audition example. When we acknowledge the gray areas, we can see reality clearly, and see what we did well and what we need to improve on. You could think: I can work on stress coping mechanisms next time, so that my nerves don’t get the better of me. Maybe I could rehearse in front of some friends and family to get used to others watching me. I could ask for feedback on my audition so I could know what to work on. I can also acknowledge that even putting myself out there and trying was a lot of hard work and I should be proud of that no matter the outcome. 

See how recognizing the mix of positive and negative allows you to see the opportunities for growth?

To learn more about cognitive behavioral therapy and how it can help you challenge your negative thought patterns like all or nothing thinking, get in touch with us today. Our clinicians are trained in cbt and can help you reframe your unhelpful thought patterns so you can cope more effectively! 

8 Common Cognitive Distortions to Watch Out For

At Hope + Wellness, we used evidence-based practices to help people live happier, healthier lives where people can cope with what life throws their way. One of the treatment modalities we use is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and we find it to be extremely helpful for challenging negative thought patterns and changing your way of thinking. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is an active, goal-oriented psychotherapy treatment. CBT has been shown through research to be highly effective in treating children, adolescents, and adults with a wide range of emotional and behavioral concerns including depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, perinatal mood + anxiety disorders, sleep challenges, and relationship problems.

One of the pillars of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is identifying patterns in your thinking to get to the bottom of your negative thoughts. These patterns are called cognitive distortions. A cognitive distortion is a faulty way of thinking that we learn to believe is true. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps to identify cognitive distortions so you can challenge your negative thought patterns and not let them control your life.

The first step to challenging your cognitive distortions is to be able to spot them. Here are 8 common cognitive distortions to watch out for:

All or nothing thinking

This is sometimes called polarized thinking or black and white thinking, but the gist of it is that you tend to think in extremes. You don’t find a lot of middle ground - things are either good or bad. This kind of thinking can put a lot of pressure on you, which can be draining. 

The thing to remember, though, is that humans are complex. We all exist in the middle ground sometimes. We’re not all good or all bad, we’re something in between. When we get used to thinking in extremes, we lose the ability to let things be what they are.

Catastrophizing

If you catastrophize, you see the worst in every situation. Often this can come from a very real place - folks who grew up in traumatic environments often catastrophize. It’s important to remind yourself that just because you jump to the worst possible assumption doesn’t mean that it’s actually going to happen. It can be hard to break the habit of automatically assuming the worst. 

Personalization

One thing we tend to do as humans is assume everything is about us. It’s natural, right - we’re the main character in our story, after all. We feel like we’re responsible for events that are outside of our control, or that everything somehow relates back to us. However, it’s important to remember that not very many things are actually about you! The way someone acts probably has a lot more to do with them than with you. 

Jumping to Conclusions

When we decide something without evidence, we’ve jumped to conclusions. We might feel like we know what other people are thinking and feeling and what they’re going to do, but that’s not actually the truth. We aren’t mind readers. We only know what’s going on in our own minds. Jumping to conclusions can also overlap with Mind Reading, another cognitive distortion where we assume we can read the minds of the people around us, no communication needed. However, we need to let people do their own communicating. Thinking we know how everything is going to go can just lead to misunderstandings and frustration. 

Emotional Reasoning

Emotional reasoning leads us to believe that our feelings are the truth. Instead of letting our logical brains figure out what’s true, we let our emotions do the talking. You might feel like whatever you’re feeling is the truth, but take some time to investigate a little deeper. Are your feelings facts? What do the facts tell you about the situation? 

Discounting the Positive

This is a negative bias in thinking that makes us feel like anything good that happens to us is a fluke or good luck. We don’t believe that anything good could happen to us on purpose. When you start thinking that way though, it can lead you to feel like you have no control over anything good happening to you, so it can make you less likely to try things. Remember, good things can happen to you for all sorts of reasons - skill, good decision making, timing, your connections, etc. It doesn’t have to be about luck.

Filtering

Similar to discounting the positive, filtering happens when we filter out all the positive aspects of a situation and focus only on the negative. Viewing everything through a negative filter can be exhausting and depressing. Remember that there are positives and negatives to everything, and that just because you’re tempted to focus on the negative doesn’t mean there isn’t something positive you could also focus on. 

Overgeneralization 

Overgeneralization is when we make assumptions about something based on a very small amount of evidence. Something can happen to you once and you expect it to keep happening that way forever. You might see things as part of a negative pattern or expect your negative conclusion to apply to every situation. Remember to look for more evidence before making generalizations. 

To learn more about cognitive behavioral therapy and how it can help you challenge your negative thought patterns, get in touch with us today. Our clinicians are trained in CBT and can help you reframe your unhelpful thought patterns so you can cope more effectively. 

4 Signs That Your Funk Could Be the Result of Depression

We all have times where we don’t feel like our normal selves. As humans, we’re capable of feeling many different emotions, and it’s perfectly normal to feel many of them regularly, including sadness. However, there is a difference between just having “the blues” and being clinically depressed. A lot of people are used to feeling like they’re in a funk, so they don’t think anything can be done to help. Depression is a very treatable illness, but it can only be treated if people seek help.

Here are some common signs of depression to keep an eye out for: 

• Depressed mood

• Feeling empty or numb

• Loss of interest or pleasure things you used to like

• Fluctuations in weight

• Problems with sleep (too much or too little)

• Feeling restless 

• Feeling irritable

• Loss of energy

• Feeling worthless

• Excessive or inappropriate guilt

• Trouble focusing on tasks

• Indecisiveness

• Thoughts of self-harm or suicide 

A lot of these can also be symptoms of other issues, so it can be tricky to suss out what’s a regular funk and what’s clinically concerning. Many of us have probably felt all of these at some point or another over the last year of the pandemic. If you’re in a funk after spending the last year away from your loved ones, you’re not alone! Many people are feeling a sort of covid-burnout at the moment. Here are some ways to tell if the funk you’re feeling is the result of depression:

It’s interfering with everyday functioning

The hallmark sign of something being a problem is when it gets in the way of your everyday functioning. After all, if you can’t do what you normally do in a day, that can be pretty frustrating. You’ve probably experienced times before when you had a hard time dealing with your day to day life - when you’re sick with the flu, for example, you know it’s time to lay low and get some medicine to feel better. Mental illness is just like that - it is an illness. You may need time and space to recover and feel like your old self again, but know that it’s possible. 

It’s lasting a long time

We all have ups and downs emotionally. We have hard times at work, tough situations with our families, and complicated relationships. It’s normal to feel sad, even to feel sad pretty often. However, if you’ve been feeling sad for a long time with no improvement, it may be a sign that you’re experiencing depression. Typically, our emotions come and go, good and bad. When you’re feeling something not so fun, you can hold on and tell yourself that better feelings are around the corner. If you’re not feeling any of those good feelings- like joy, contentment, happiness- and you haven’t been for a period longer than two weeks, it could be depression. 

It leaves you feeling numb or hopeless

Another sign that your funk is something more serious is if you regularly feel numb or hopeless. As we discussed above, part of being a person is experiencing feelings, all the time. Sometimes you might feel like you feel too many feelings! Depression is sneaky though, and it can often make you feel numb or hopeless. You might not feel much of anything at all, good or bad. You might feel like you’ll never feel anything other than this. Depression is wrong, though - you can feel things. You just may need more support to deal with your depression so you don’t feel so numb. 

People who love you have asked you if you're okay

A lot of us think we’re really good at hiding when we’re struggling, but the people who love us can usually tell. If you’ve had people who care about you ask if you’re doing alright, maybe they’re seeing something that you aren’t. You might think you’re hiding your struggle but when people know us really well they can pick up on when we’re having a hard time. Sometimes you might just be feeling a little blue and they catch you at a bad time. However, if multiple people who care about you have been concerned that you’re not yourself, they may be onto something. Know that it’s okay to ask for help! 

Dealing with depression can be a lot different than how we see it in the media. That’s why it’s important to know the signs of depression so you can tell if you’re just in a funk or depressed. If you’re not feeling like yourself and want to talk about it, our clinicians can be a source of support for you.