6 Things Not to Say to Someone Struggling with Infertility

Infertility is a painful thing. And unfortunately–even though infertility affects about ten percent of women in America–talking about it still seems to be taboo or unwelcome–which means that we were probably never taught how to support someone in that situation. 

We’ve talked about this before, and went over four helpful ways to support someone struggling with infertility, but what about things that aren’t helpful? Learning what questions or topics to avoid to be respectful of the pain your loved one is experiencing is just as important as learning methods of support. 

Just like with any painful loss or emotional trauma, there are things we won’t want to talk about or won’t feel comfortable sharing. And while you may mean well when asking them or your intention may be to give a supportive comment or encouragement–your statements might not be as helpful as you think. It might actually just add stress or distress to your loved ones experience, and possibly make them feel more alone. 

Below are 6 things to avoid saying to someone struggling with infertility: 

“Everything happens for a reason” or “It will happen if it’s meant to”

While these seem like positive, happy alternatives to the painful reality of infertility, they are actually diminishing how hard this is for your loved one. Someone who wants their family to grow and wants to be pregnant–and who is experiencing very real grief over not being able to do those things–does not want to hear that their suffering was fated or for a higher purpose. They want their pain to be seen and validated, not ignored. 

“Have you tried X,Y,Z?”

Chances are: yes they have tried. More importantly, it’s not really your business what they have tried! Trust that they have consulted a doctor and gone over their options. And remember that even if there are other options left, they are still grieving a loss right now. They may eventually be ready to try something else, but they also might be depleted and weary from continually trying to get pregnant and not being able to (or not being able to stay pregnant). 

“This happened to my other friend, and it worked out fine for them!”

There might be a time when your friend is ready to hear about success stories from someone else, but right in the midst of them dealing with their own loss is not the time–even if it’s a story intended to give them hope. They may have already tried what worked for your other friend, or what worked for your other friend might not work for them. It’s best to trust that they know their options best, and just be with them as they grieve instead of trying to solve the problem for them. 

“Why don’t you just try adoption?”

Again, this one implies that they did not consider all of their options. And it implies that the existence of other methods of growing a family negate or invalidate their pain. Neither of these things are true! And, of course, adoption is not a simple thing. It’s a complicated process that needs careful attention and consideration. It’s not just something you decide to try on a whim! There is also a lot of pain in discovering your body is not capable of doing something you have wanted your whole life–and that (rather than the inability to have a child) could be where the grief of infertility is stemming from–and adoption doesn’t fix that. 

“You’re lucky not to have kids! All of your time can be spent on you!” 

People struggling with infertility don’t want a child because they think it will be easy. They want a child because they want their family to grow, they want to nurture and love and care for someone new. While being able to dictate exactly how you spend your time and money without having to worry about kids to raise might seem nice to stressed parents at the moment, but it’s not helpful to someone who desperately wants a family and is unable to make it happen. 

“You’re probably too stressed, that’s why you’re having problems.” 

It’s actually not true that being stressed before fertility treatments lowers their chances of success. This is one of those things that makes sense in our heads (of course if our bodies are too stressed, they won’t work properly) but in this case, there is not enough evidence to truly support a connection. Not to mention, saying the words “you need to relax!” has never helped anyone’s stress levels. Instead, maybe ask your friend or loved one if there’s anything you can do to help their current stress. Can you make them dinner so they don’t have to worry about it? Run to the grocery store for them? If you’re worried about them being stressed, instead of making a comment about it, offer to lift some stress off of their shoulders. 

If you’re close with someone who is dealing with infertility, it can be confusing to know how to help. Remember to be kind and think about the other person’s needs and just hold space where you can. If you need more ideas for support in this area, our clinicians can help you come up with some. 

Managing Covid Anxiety in the New Year

Hello again, and happy new year! 

2020 was an extremely hard year for all of us. But, while saying goodbye to it certainly feels great, saying hello to a new year might not have felt as nice as it has in years past. We are still navigating life in a pandemic, and we still don’t have a clear idea on exactly how things are going to go–even now with a vaccine available. 

If this uncertainty has caused your anxiety to surge as we greeted the new year: you are not alone. While there is hope that the end is in sight because of the vaccine, we are still carrying grief and worry for the health and safety of one another in the meantime. And, there is fear that we will be helpless to stop 2021 from being just as difficult as 2020. 

So it’s no wonder many of us are still feeling unease, even with this fresh start from the new year. 

This year, instead of starting off with resolutions and intentions, instead let’s focus on what this last year has taught us about our emotional and mental health needs, and make a survival kit of sorts for managing anxiety in 2021. 

There are as many reasons for feeling anxious as there are people.

 And while it is likely stemming from the fact that we are living through a highly stressful time on both a national and global level, chances are your anxiety is rooted in something a bit more specific. 

We’re all struggling with how little we can control right now, so of course this would be a major source of stress and anxiety for us. In the last year you likely either spent almost all of your time at home (quarantining, social distancing), or had to work in extremely stressful and often unsafe situations. We weren’t really able to do anything other than that. Which means that we missed a year of opportunities, socializing, meeting new people, and working towards our own goals. 

Of course, we can’t magically make it so that 2021 is a more vibrant, social, year.

But there are some things within our control, and if this is a major source of anxiety for you, it can be helpful to remind yourself exactly what those things are. 

What you eat: 

This is only to a certain extent–you can’t control if you have allergies, or what food is available to buy, and it can of course be restricted by budget. However, nourishing ourselves is one thing where we tend to control all of the decisions we make about it. 

If 2020 felt like a year where your life was put on pause, caring for yourself through food can be a great way to un-pause in one small area. A few examples of this can be: 

• Trying new cuisines: If you tend to eat the same thing over and over again, trying new food is an easy way to get some variety into your possibly monotonous pandemic-life. If you’re a good cook, you can buy a cookbook and work your way through it, or you can try different local restaurants to see what you like best. You could even make it a game with your friends! Each week one of you could pick a new place to try and you could eat together on zoom (or in person if they’re part of your bubble!)

• Asking someone to teach you to make their favorite meal: this is a great one if you’re also itching for some more social connections. Ask your friends or family what their favorite meals or desserts are, ask them to send you the recipes, or ask them to zoom with you and walk you through how to make it! 

• Explore your heritage through food: How connected are you to your family, your ancestors, or your cultural heritage? If it’s something you want to get more involved with or connected to, learning traditional meals can be a fun way to get started. 

How you speak to yourself: 

This requires some work sometimes (that’s where therapy comes in!) but remember that while so much of the world is out of your control, you can be the kind of person you want to see in the world, and you can start with the way you speak to yourself. In fact, having to spend so much time with yourself right now is actually a great opportunity for you to examine how you talk to yourself in times of stress, and shift to something kinder. 

A suggestion: begin and end each day with an affirmation. Look in the mirror and say “This is really hard, and I’m doing my best. I’m proud of myself for all that I’ve been able to accomplish, and I forgive myself for not being able to accomplish as much as I want. I deserve rest and care as much as anyone else.” 

Even if you don’t think you will believe it, hearing it and watching yourself say it repeatedly can make a difference in the way you talk to yourself. 

How you spend your free time: 

Again, this is restricted a bit, since we’re living in a public health crisis and for the most part have to stay home. But within your home, your free time is under your control. 

If you are in lockdown/quarantine, free time probably feels monotonous. And, honestly, you might be thinking that there is just nothing left to do. While that may be true, to get yourself out of the cycle of sitting around being bored, I suggest doing one thing each day that is different from the day before. They can be small things like going for a walk around your neighborhood, listening to a new podcast, doing a craft, baking something, etc. Even this small variety can help quench that desire for more from your daily routine. 

If you are an essential worker, and have free time you are able to control, make a list of things that make you feel nourished, refreshed, cared for, etc. that you can do in your free time. Then when you are home, take that time to care for yourself in a way you choose that feels right to you. Again, try to mix it up from day to day so you aren’t feeling like you are stuck in an endless cycle.

When you ask for help: 

It is scary to ask for help, but remember that we all need it from time to time. Especially now. If your anxiety has grown with the start of the new year, it is probably time to ask for help. Whether that’s through asking friends for a little more support, or finding a therapist, recognizing that you can’t manage everything all on your own is vital.  

If you’re looking for support as you work through your anxiety, our clinicians can help you through this process. 

7 Ways to Remember Your Lost Loved One

Loss is a universal experience, but it is still not something we are ever prepared for. No matter how much we understand about loss intellectually, when it happens to us, it’s hard to know what to do. Grief is something we will all feel at some point, and there is no set timeline for working through grief. There are stages to grief, but it’s not a linear process. Part of learning to live with grief is figuring out ways to honor the person you lost while managing your grief. 

Grief is difficult to talk about, especially since we still tend to shy away from expressing extreme emotions as a culture. A lot of people don’t know how to respond to someone who is grieving, because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing or making things worse, which can make the experience isolating. It might take some time before you feel ready to actively honor and remember your lost loved one, and that is okay. Remember, grief is different from everyone. What is comforting to one person might not work for you and vice versa. Someone else’s timeline probably won’t look like yours. 

It may take you some time to decide on ways to honor your loved one after their passing. You might go through some trial and error to find something that feels good for you. Remember, if something doesn’t feel good, you don’t have to do it. These ideas won’t eliminate grief or cure it, but they can help you sit with your grief and feel closer to the person you love. 

Here are some ways to remember your lost loved one: 

Donate in their name

One way to honor someone’s memory is to make a donation in their name. Is there an organization that was important to them or a cause that was near to their heart? You can donate money, time, or supplies to many organizations in someone’s name as a way to honor them. It may make you feel better to know that their name is out there doing good in the world. 

Keep a living reminder

Another way to remember someone is to create some sort of living reminder. Plants are a great way to do this. You can get a plant (it could be a favorite one of your loved one or a plant that makes you think of them) to remind you of the person. Taking care of the plant can be a nice outlet for the love and care that you still feel for your loved one. You could get a houseplant and keep it in a special place in your home, you could plant a flowerbox outside a window, or even keep a garden in their memory. 

Hold onto something of theirs

Keeping an item of theirs can help you feel like that person is still close to you. It could be a voicemail they left you, so you can keep hearing their voice. It could be a favorite shirt or stuffed animal, or piece of art, jewelry, or even household items like pots and pans. If there was something you used to do with your loved one, like cooking or traveling, it might be helpful to keep a memento tied to that to remind you of those times you had together. 

Donate their belongings

After you’ve gone through their things to find what you want to hold onto, you can honor their memory by donating some of their things. This is a nice way to share the love + memory of your loved one with others. Parting with their belongings might not feel easy, so don’t force yourself if you don’t feel ready. It can be nice, though, to think of their belongings getting a new life and bringing joy to other people. 

Make new traditions for holidays and big events

One of the times that grief comes up a lot is holidays or big events like anniversaries. Were there traditions they cared about for the holidays? Was there something special you used to do on birthdays or other special occasions? It might be painful to do things exactly as you used to when your loved one was with you, but you can come up with new traditions specifically designed to honor the things they loved about holidays or big events.  

Keep talking about them

Talking about emotions is always hard, especially when there is loss involved. YOu might feel weird talking about your grief all the time, but don’t feel guilty for sharing how you really feel. It can be really powerful to honor your emotions by naming them and asking for support from the other people in your life. Sharing happy memories, goofy anecdotes, or just talking about who they were as a person is a way to keep their memory alive. 

Write a letter to them

A common feeling that people have while grieving is the desire to talk to the person one more time. Obviously, writing a letter to them isn’t a perfect substitute for this, but it can be healing to express exactly what you want to say to them, even if you never show it to anyone else. If others are missing your loved one too, you could write letters as a group and read them to each other as a way to share + honor their memory. 

If you’re looking for support as you work through your grief, our clinicians can help you through this process. 

6 Ways People Have Described What Depression Feels Like

Do you know what depression feels like?

If you have never experienced depression, it can be hard to understand what it is really like to experience it. When you hear the word depressed, likely you think of sorrow or grief, but that often isn’t how depression shows up for people who deal with it chronically. 

While sorrow and grief can make you feel depressed, experiencing depression is much more than just those feelings. 

So what is it really like? Here’s how depression has been described by those who experience chronic depression: 

The emotional equivalent of watching paint dry: 

Does this sound weird? Think about what comes to mind when you hear the phrase “watching paint dry.” Probably boredom, perhaps exhaustion. This is what people who experience chronic depression can feel in the midst of a depressive episode. They don’t feel sadness or grief, instead it is like feeling nothing at all. No matter the situation–whether it is a typical day or an experience that would typically cause a highly emotional reaction, when going through a depressive episode it is like an emotional switch has been flipped. Instead of responding as usual, you are just sort of floating through your day, going through the motions without emotionally connecting to what is happening around you. 

Like you’re waking up at 10%: 

Imagine going to sleep and waking up just as tired as you went to bed. This is how depression can feel. If most of us start our day at 100% energy, depression can cause that number to come crashing down. Maybe you have half the amount of energy you usually have, or maybe you only have 10%.  

Like your mind can’t focus on anything: 

Depression also frequently impacts things like concentration. When experiencing depression it can be hard for your mind to latch on to any one thing for an extended period of time. It takes too much mental and emotional energy, so instead of exerting that energy (which you don’t have) your mind just glazes over, which makes it impossible to concentrate. 

Like your mind + body are not in your control: 

You can see from the examples above how you can lose control of your mind in the midst of a depressive episode, it can affect your body just as equally. Depression causes lack of sleep which can lead to increased rates of illness, headaches, digestive problems, and other aches and pains brought on as a direct result of declining mental health. 

Like constantly losing your train of thought: 

Like we covered above, it’s hard for your mind to concentrate when you’re depressed. That can make those experiencing depression 

Emotional and physical flatness

One of the most common descriptions of depression is that it is an overall feeling of numbness, or feeling flat. You feel flat, and detached from everything around you, feeling no emotional impacts of your surroundings, situations, or experiences, and it is hard to enjoy things or people or situations that you typically enjoy

Once you know how depression can affect those who suffer from it, you can make more informed decisions on how to best support them. Check out this post for more tips on how to support a loved one dealing with depression. 

If you’re close with someone who is dealing with depression, it can be hard to know how to help. Remember to be kind and think about the other person’s needs and just hold space where you can. If you need more ideas for support in this area, our clinicians can help you come up with some. 

4 Ways to Support Someone Struggling With Infertility

Sometimes, someone we love is going through something we have no experience with, but we still want to support them. That’s part of having relationships with people, romantic or otherwise - they’re built on care and mutual support. That’s why it’s so frustrating when someone is experiencing something that we can’t really help with, like losing a loved one, the end of a partnership, or even struggling with infertility. 

We still have a lot of cultural taboos in the United States, and talking about mental health, especially when it comes to the mental health of folks who can get pregnant, is difficult for many. Part of why it’s so hard to talk about pregnancy loss and infertility is because it’s still dismissed and not talked about openly.  We also tend to think that carrying a child to term is an easy, commonplace thing, but for some people, it just isn’t possible. As a society, however, we usually expect folks struggling with infertility to keep it to themselves. If someone you know has confided in you about infertility, that is a very big deal - that means they trust you enough to react appropriately and support them. 

The reasons that people experience infertility aren’t always understood, which can make the experience even more devastating. Some of the factors thought to be involved are genetic defects, viral or bacterial infections, hormone imbalances, and autoimmune disorders. However, much of the time there isn’t an easy answer as to why the person is struggling to conceive. 

It’s natural to want to support the people you care about, so if you know someone who is struggling with infertility, you’re probably looking for a way to genuinely help. Here are some ways to support someone experiencing infertility: 

Practice holding space

A lot of times our instinct is to help and protect the people we love, especially when they’re hurting. However, sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there and hold space for the emotions they’re going through. “Holding space” means being physically, mentally, and emotionally present for someone. It means putting your focus on someone to support them as they feel their feelings instead of focusing on your own. 

Don’t ask, “Have you tried x?”

They have probably been working closely with their physician to figure this out - while asking “Have you tried X?” might seem helpful, it’s just unnecessary. Assume that they know their body and their medical history better than you. We often feel the need to throw out solutions when someone is in pain, but that probably won’t make the person feel better, only ourselves. 

Watch what you say in general

Feeling like they can’t talk about their experience with infertility can make the experience even more lonely. Some common responses to hearing about infertility are, “You can always try again,” "Whose fault is it?", "What's wrong with you?" “How are you paying for all that?" “Have you considered adoption?” “Maybe it’s not meant to be.” Most people who say these things don’t intend to be cruel, but these statements can minimize the grief and sorrow that the person is feeling. Instead of saying something just to say something, think carefully about how your words will be interpreted. 

Limit the baby talk

If you have kids or are expecting a child, it’s natural to want to talk about it. However, there are probably plenty of folks in your life who can handle these conversations - don’t push them on a friend who is dealing with infertility. Know that your friend probably doesn’t really resent you for your family, but it’s tough to talk about all the same. Try to be as kind and understanding as possible, and don’t take it personally if the other person needs some space from baby and pregnancy talk. 

If you’re close with someone who is dealing with infertility, it can be confusing to know how to help. Remember to be kind and think about the other person’s needs and just hold space where you can. If you need more ideas for support in this area, our clinicians can help you come up with some. 

Mindfulness To Help Anxiety

Do you ever feel like you are overwhelmed by all of the thoughts and feelings taking up space in your head? Most of us have days where we feel like our brains won’t knock it off, but for folks living with anxiety, this can be a constant battle. Your thoughts, feelings, worries, judgments, and decisions take up a lot of space in your brain, and it can be hard to focus on anything else sometimes. One way to give yourself a buffer between you and the noise in your head is to develop a mindfulness practice. 

You’ve probably heard of mindfulness before - we’ve talked about it on the blog a few times before, and mindfulness is kind of a buzzword right now, especially in mental health and wellness spaces. Mindfulness is a practice designed to teach us how to be in the present moment.  According to PsychCentral, the act of mindfulness is “paying attention in the present moment, on purpose, nonjudgmentally.” The two big things to remember when practicing mindfulness are awareness and acceptance. Mindfulness gives us an awareness of what’s going on in our own inner world. When practicing mindfulness, it’s also important to accept yourself. Do your best to shut down any judgment or negative self-talk when they come up, and just remember to focus on the present moment. 

Mindfulness helps to take us out of the mindset where we do things automatically or out of habit.

When you’re living with anxiety, you might feel like you don’t have enough time or emotional energy to change up your routines, but when you make time regularly to notice your surroundings, both internally and externally, you will start to notice patterns that you might not have seen before. Taking note of the patterns that come up for you in your daily life can help you make better decisions in the future, plan for tricky situations, and remind yourself that you are capable of doing difficult things. 

If you’re looking for some ways to practice mindfulness that can help you manage your anxiety, here are some tips: 

Make your space more mindful

When you have a set space to practice mindfulness, you will signal to your body and brain that it’s mindfulness time every time you sit there. You don’t need to use a whole room in your house for this, but if you have a cozy spot that you can dedicate to mindfulness, even the habit of sitting in that spot can help you get in the headspace to be present and aware of your surroundings, internally and externally. Try sitting in your favorite chair, or by a sunny window, or even in a corner of your bedroom. You can personalize the space so that it is ideal for your exact needs - have soft things to touch, smells that make you feel calm or grounded, play calming or happy music. 

Don’t go it alone

Anxiety is something we largely have to deal with on our own, but mindfulness doesn’t need to be a big secret! Try involving someone else in your mindfulness practice. This doesn’t necessarily have to be someone you sit down to practice mindfulness with, but it can be someone who holds you accountable to your goal of practicing mindfulness more often. When someone else knows that you’re working toward a goal of being more mindful, it can be really motivating. 

Morning journaling

Mindfulness isn’t just about sitting still with your eyes closed. Mindfulness can be anything that makes you feel connected to the present moment, whether that’s sitting quietly on a cushion, taking a walk through the woods, or even washing your dishes. One way to help combat the overflow of thoughts that comes with anxiety is to spend some time each morning journaling. Write down anything and everything that comes to mind, without judgment. You can set a timer and just free write until you feel more focused on the present, or you can find journal prompts to help you get there if you need a little guidance. 

Notice your breathing 

Getting out of your own head can be really tricky. Try starting with your breath. Focusing your thoughts to the present takes lots of practice, so if you can’t stop your thoughts that is okay. Do your best to move on from each thought when you notice it pop up. Try to slow down your breath and really focus on each inhale and exhale. Close your eyes if it helps! 

Mindfulness is a great tool because you can practice it anywhere- all you need is your mind. When you have anxiety, you take it with you everywhere you go, so it’s extremely valuable to have tools you can use in the moment to soothe yourself. With practice, mindfulness will become easier and you can use it anytime you need a reset to focus on the current moment. If you’re trying to figure out how mindfulness can help you manage your anxiety, our clinicians can help you come up with a mindfulness practice that works for you. 

Learning to Reparent Your Inner Child

What is your inner child?

Have you heard the term “inner child” before? Your inner child is exactly what it sounds like: it is you, the younger version of you, still inside of your mind. Imagine that as you grow, you are not outgrowing past versions of yourself, but rather growing around them. So they are still there, inside of you. 

And that means that their dreams, their needs, their fears, are also still inside you. If your needs were neglected as a child, there is still a version of you inside of who you are today, hurting from that neglect. 

The key to healing that hurt is to tap into your inner child. Become aware of that vulnerable version of yourself, learn about their hopes and dreams and fears. And then, to heal those neglected wounds, act as both child and parent within yourself. This is called reparenting your inner child.

What does it mean to reparent your inner child?

Reparenting your inner child, as we said above, is about healing past wounds that still exist within you. When your inner child feels safe and loved and listened to, you help to rewrite your own makeup. 

If growing up you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to, then because of your inner child, there is still a part of you holding onto that fear. And that fear has likely affected your life as an adult–even though the experience was so long ago. As the adult you are now, you are able to identify what in your inner child needs healing, and then provide them with it. This is how you work as both parent and child within yourself. 

You are the child, hurting. And you are the parent, helping them heal. 

When you start building a life that makes your inner child feel safe and loved and listened to, you are able to let go of those coping mechanisms you used when you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to. In this way, inner child work helps you reach the future you want by healing your past wounds. 

How can you take care of your inner child?

So how do you start going about inner child work? Inner child work is a long process that involves you taking intentional time to get to know yourself, examine your emotional reactions to things, and really investigate where those instincts come from. Talk therapy is one of the best ways to do this, but there are things you can do on your own to get started or to continue work done in sessions. 

These things can include: 

• Journaling: try writing a journal entry from the perspective of your inner child; write a letter from yourself to your inner child; write after a high emotion incident, and try to explore where your feelings came from; write about something that happened recently that reminded you of a time when you were a child, etc. 

• Talking it out: ask your friends if they ever feel like they are back as the childlike version of themselves, see what experiences you have in common

• Giving into playful urges: there is a pressure to be serious and mature all of the time, but if your desires as a child were neglected, giving yourself the experiences you desired as a child but weren’t allowed can be incredibly healing

• Keep a log: when you notice your inner child coming out, if you don’t want to sit down and journal or talk it out every time, just make a quick note on how they’re showing up. Then, you can look back on all the times you’ve noticed and see what they have in common, what desire or need or fear they are expressing to you.

If you need more ideas for how to go about tuning into and reparenting your inner child, or have questions about how it could help,  our clinicians can help you. 

Daily Habits to Help Manage Anxiety in a Healthy Way

People living with anxiety know that managing it is often a daily struggle. Anxiety is a complicated condition, and like many mental health disorders, it can lead to a totally new routine in order to manage it. Remember, there’s a difference between anxiety and everyday stress; they aren’t exactly the same. One definition of anxiety is that it is your body’s response to having too much stress. When we’re feeling stressed, we can usually still function, but the hallmark of anxiety is that it interferes with your everyday functioning. That’s usually how you can tell if you stress has morphed into anxiety: is it interfering with the way you live your life? It’s normal to once in a while feel nervous or worried, but you don’t need to feel that way all of the time.

Waking up with a ball of anxiety in your stomach every morning is not ideal.

It can leave you feeling like you don’t even want to get out of bed. That’s why it’s helpful to establish habits that you can use every day to carry you through on the days when your anxiety is spiraling out of control. It can be almost impossible to snap yourself out of an anxious spiral, especially without practice. That’s why it’s important to find anxiety-relieving methods that work for you and then practice them until they’re second nature to you. That way, the next time you’re feeling anxious and out of control, you have something to reach for to soothe yourself. 

Fortunately, there are lots of different ways to manage anxiety. Everyone’s anxiety is a little bit different, so if something doesn’t work for you, just move on to something else. Some of the popular ways folks manage anxiety are implementing lifestyle changes, starting therapy, or taking medication. Even though these methods can be really helpful, there is still stigma attached to mental health treatment and medication. Remember that there’s nothing wrong with taking medication to manage your anxiety. Finding ways to manage your mental health is just another facet of self-care. 

Since folks who live with anxiety have to deal with it every day, a natural starting place for anxiety relief is with your daily routine. You already have habits, whether you realize it or not: what do you do every day? The key to spotting a habit is that it happens almost automatically - you don’t even have to think about it. What habits are you currently practicing that you might not be aware of? Take a few days and just notice when you do something out of habit. 

It may also be helpful to point out that most of our habits reflect our needs, after a little digging. If you habitually scroll through Instagram for a few hours every day, you might be trying to connect with people socially, or numb yourself to the hard emotions you’re feeling. Do a little digging to find out the needs that your current habits are meeting. You might be surprised! 

Here are some daily habits that can help you manage anxiety: 

Rest

Anxiety can be a sign from your body that you need to take a break. When you push yourself too hard for too long, you can put yourself at risk for burnout, and then you won’t be able to get anything done, no matter how much you want to. It’s good to notice what anxiety feels like in your body so you can pay attention to which parts of you need extra rest or care. Start getting strict about getting the right amount of sleep - it’s wild how such a small change can have a huge impact. Our bodies and brains need rest to function, so making time to rest every single day is a good way to honor that need. 

Mindfulness

A lot of anxiety comes from worry about what’s coming. Mindfulness is a powerful tool in your anti-anxiety toolbelt because it teaches you how to be present in the moment, instead of focusing on the past or the future. Even taking five minutes every day to sit and notice your surroundings and slow your breath can have a valuable impact on your anxiety levels. 

Movement 

Movement is a great way to expend any anxious energy you may be feeling. Even if you’ve thought about exercise in terms of punishment until now, you can reframe it in your head as being for your mental health. Moving your body can go a long way toward expelling that extra anxious energy that you feel. You don’t have to do hardcore exercise to reap the benefits - making time to go for a walk a few times a week can make a real difference. 

Journaling

It’s hard to move through things when we don’t give ourselves enough time and space to process them. Journaling is a quick and cheap way to check in with yourself regularly about how you’re feeling. Journaling is helpful for managing anxiety for a couple of reasons. To start, the medium forces you to slow down. You can only write one thing at a time, so the process of journaling naturally makes you work through your thoughts one at a time. Journaling also gives you a place to explore the reasons behind your feelings instead of just feeling dread and anxiety. Journaling can help you identify patterns in your thoughts, which can help you find new ways to cope. 

Intentional Social Media Usage

It is so, so easy to get stuck looking at your phone and then realize hours later that you’ve lost all that time. Our phones were designed to be addicting, so don’t feel ashamed that you get sucked into a social media spiral. One way to combat that feeling is to be really intentional with your social media usage. Unfollow or mute accounts that make you feel badly about yourself. Follow accounts that show a diverse range of body types and that share your values. If you get a bad vibe from someone every time you look at their posts, remind yourself that you can unfollow. 

Anxiety is a little different for everyone, so if these ideas don’t help you, that’s not the end of the road. Our clinicians can help you come up with an anxiety management plan that works specifically for you. 

Racial Justice Resources

Over the last few weeks, the Black Lives Matter Movement has become hypervisible on social media. While not a new movement by any means, the exposure we have had to racial injustice in this country over the last month has drawn more attention than ever to the work–both community based and internal–that non-Black Americans have to do. 

As attention on the movement on social media begins to die down, we wanted to share a small directory of racial justice resources. Anti-racism is lifelong work that will often feel uncomfortable. But it’s important to commit to that lifetime of learning, listening, and doing better if we ever want to see real change. 

Here are some resources that can help you navigate this work: 

Books to Read:

• Me and White Supremacy by Layla F. Saad

• How to Be an Anti Racist by Ibram X Kendi

• Are Prisons Obsolete? By Angela Davis

• The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander

• The End to Policing by Alex Vitale

Directories, Resource Documents & Syllabi:

• Dismantling Racism Resources

• Anti-Racism Resources Doc

• Ways to Help Directory

• Justice in June Lesson Plan

• Free Intro to Critical Race Course

• Anti-Racist Resource Guide

Voices to Follow and Learn From: 

• Layla F Saad

• Decolonizing Therapy

• @urdoinggreat (Gem)

• Alishia McCullough

• Monique Melton

• @mpd_150

• @decolonizemyself

• Raquel Willis

• @brandonkgood

• @officialmillennialblack

• @kinsalehues

• Annika Hansteen-Izora

• Victoria Alexander

Things to remember: 

• Lots of intellectual labor has been provided by Black folks for free. If you are using the resources they have taken the time to put together (and have the financial means yourself) look for ways they would like to be compensated. This could be a venmo/paypal link, a link to an organization they are trying to raise money for, etc. 

• Google is your friend! Jumping into this work can be confusing and overwhelming. When you come across something you don’t understand, instead of asking for free labor from BIPOC (Black Indigenous People of Color), take time to do your own research. 

• You are going to mess up. None of us are perfect–and there isn’t an expectation that we have to be. Your character and intentions will be shown through how well you respond to & listen to criticism, rather than through magically never saying the wrong thing. 

• Allyship is an action, not an identity. You can’t be an ally without practicing allyship. This means finding ways in your life that you can help. That can be protesting, signing petitions, educating family members, donating money, etc. The most important thing to remember about allyship is that it is not one and done. To be an ally you must continually practice allyship–not just go to one protest and call it a day. 

Free, Affordable or Accessible Therapy Resources for Black folks: 

• The Loveland Foundation: provides financial assistance to Black women & girls seeking therapy

• Boris Lawerence Henson Foundation: a nonprofit organization founded by Taraji P. Henson, currently offering free therapy Up to five sessions) to BIPOC who have recently experienced trauma 

• Ethel’s Club: Mental wellness community resource that offers free & subscription mental health services for BIPOC

• Black Men Heal: Pro-Bono Quality Therapy for Men of Color by Providers of Color

If you need support, or have questions about self care in tumultuous times,  our counselors can help you. 

Processing Non-Death Related Grief

What do you think of when you think of grief? Someone you loved + lost? Sadness? Heartache? Numbness? Charlie Brown? There are no wrong answers. Grief is experienced differently by everyone. 

Grief covers a wide variety of experiences, and many of us have felt grief at some point in our lives. Grief can be felt over the death of someone, the loss of a friendship or relationship, divorce, moving, switching jobs, losing your faith, the death of a pet, anticipating a future loss, and so much more. 

Some of us might assume that grief is exclusively reserved for death, but there are lots of ways grief can come up in someone’s life.  So, if grief isn’t just the sadness that you feel after experiencing the death of someone close to you, what is it? What does it mean to be grieving? 

Dictionary.com defines grief as: “something that causes keen distress or suffering.” 

This definition works, but it doesn’t really speak to the complicated nuances of grief. Grief Recovery takes it one step further in their definition of grief: “Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.”

We all experience changes in our daily patterns from time to time, and it can be a really disrupting experience. Now that we understand that grief is about more than loss of life, we can recognize the emotional process we go through during periods of extreme change as grief.

When we thinking of grief, we typically think of loss of life of some kind, but grief can be felt for a variety of reasons. Some experts call this kind of grief disenfranchised grief.  Kenneth Doka coined the term, which means “Grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned or publicly mourned”. 

Disenfranchised grief is the grief that comes up we feel we are not able to openly acknowledge or mourn our loss. It can be extra difficult to grieve this way, because a big part of the grief process is getting support from folks in your life, and disenfranchised grief can make you feel like you’re alone. 

Here are some situations that can lead to grief:

• Moving 

• Changing schools

• Leaving a job

• Starting a new job

• Loss of faith

• Change in financial status

• Divorce

• Change in health status

• Ending a friendship

• Loss of a home

• Infertility

• Estrangement from family

Things to remember about grief: 

Loss is not a competition 

You don’t have to prove your loss to anyone or perform grief in a certain way. If anyone gives you a hard time, that’s their problem, and not yours. Your grief is personal to you, so you get to direct your process. Some types of loss are harder for people to understand, like a loss of faith. Not everyone feels the same way about faith + religion, so folks who don’t have a religious background might not understand the unique pain that comes with a loss of faith. Remember, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. 

Talk it out

Just because you feel as though you are not entitled to publicly grieve doesn’t mean that’s the case. There’s still a lot of stigma around mental health issues in this country, but don’t feel like you have to bury your feelings of grief for the comfort of other people. You can ask permission to vent or talk about sensitive subjects, but don’t feel like you can’t be open and real about your feelings just because you’re not grieving a death. 

Actively process your feelings

As with most feelings, you can’t just bury grief down and expect it to pass. Grief is going to hurt - there’s no way to avoid it.  Even though it feels impossible, it’s important to actively process your feelings when you’re grieving. There are lots of different ways to start the process of feeling your grief. Journaling, meditation, therapy, regular movement, and making art are a few places to start. 

Take your time

Grief, unfortunately, is a long process. There’s no way around the pain of grief. Ignoring the pain will just make it worse, so its important to acknowledge your feelings. The way you feel has an impact on your health, mentally and physically, so make sure you’re not burying your feelings away. You might be feeling a whole mix of emotions, like anger, sadness, disbelief, fear, relief, numbness, devastation, loneliness, and others. Let your feelings come, without judgment. 

If you’re struggling with your grief, know that it’s often a painful process and there’s no shame in asking for help. Our counselors can help you find a way to process your grief that works for you.