How to Figure Out What You Want in a Partner

From the outside, it seems as if dating today should be easier than ever. 

With various apps and online dating services, you don’t even have to leave your couch to meet someone new! But while that can be a great thing (for busy people, people who’ve just moved to town, those just starting to get comfortable putting themselves out there, etc) it also creates its own very specific set of dating difficulties. 

While on the one hand they are convenient and easy and somewhat more comfortable than going out to meet people, dating apps can also get us stuck in this online shopping mindset. You’re browsing and you see something you think you might like, but you’re not super sure, so you pop it in your cart to decide on it later. Dating apps can be a little like that. Where instead of using them as a quick and easy introduction to people you really think you’ll click with, you start collecting matches even if you know they aren’t right for you. And there are a lot of reasons people do this, but the big two seem to be: 

1. You’re not sure what you want! It seems easier at the time to collect a bunch of “maybes” and see if any of them work out. 

2. It feels like validation. It’s nice to get that notification that says you have a new match. It’s nice to feel desired, even if there isn’t any true potential there. 

But collecting these maybes doesn’t actually get you closer to finding a genuine connection that is right for you. Instead, it gets you stuck in a cycle where you’re swiping mindlessly, just looking for the relief of that “it’s a match!” notification. 

And mindless dating won’t actually help you address your needs. 

You might be lonely, and feel that any sort of dating is better than none at all. But when you have those incompatible connections with people, your loneliness isn’t actually being addressed. It’s more like you’ve thrown a bandaid over an open wound. You don’t have to think about it for a while, but as soon as the bandaid wears out, you’re right back to where you started. 

(Of course dating isn’t the only way to manage loneliness–and often it’s better to try to meet that need with something other than dating as well. Finding fulfillment on your own by taking a class, joining a club, getting involved in your community, etc. can help you feel less lonely and “desperate” when entering the dating scene.) 

A key part of dating mindfully is knowing what you’re looking for in a partner. 

Easier said than done. In fact, it takes a lot of work to figure out what your needs are, what needs can reasonably be met by a partner, and exactly how to look for the right people to meet those needs. 

So how can you start figuring out what you’re looking for in a partner?

Self reflection: 

This one will probably be the most uncomfortable of the tips, which is why I’m starting with it. When you’re trying to work out what you want and need in a partner, think back to relationships that haven’t worked out in the past. These don’t even have to be romantic relationships, they can be friendships too. Ask yourself: why didn’t the relationship work? Which of our qualities were incompatible? Did our values clash? Was there a warning sign regarding our clashing values or incompatible qualities that I can now see in hindsight? 

Be truthful but gentle with yourself. The purpose of this exercise is not to punish you for relationships that haven’t worked out–everyone has relationships that end! And it’s not to make a list of all the things you “did wrong.” It’s simply an exercise you can use to look back and reflect, and take the useful information you get from it and move forward.

Decide on your deal breakers: 

(And don’t ignore them!) Are politics important to you? Do you only want to date someone interested in marriage? Are you only interested in monogamy? (Or, are you only interested in dating someone who is okay with non-monogamy?) 

Figure out what your personal relationship deal breakers are, and keep them in mind as you start dating. Then, when you come across them, even though it might feel disappointing, remind yourself that taking care of your own needs needs to be your priority, and move along. Chances are if the person isn’t right for you, then you aren’t right for them, and it’s better to part anyway. 

Fantasize a bit: 

Imagine yourself in a relationship: what needs is that relationship filling? Determine what it is a relationship will (ideally) be providing for you, and only date people whose relationship goals align with that. Think of how you want your partner to make you feel: write a list! And refer back to it as you date. Are you getting these feelings? Or are you waiting around until maybe it gets better?

Settle it with a few lists: 

It might seem oddly formal for something like dating, but taking the time to journal and write out these dating lists can be really helpful. Not only can it help you explore yourself and your needs, but it can help keep you on track as you search for fulfilling connections. Make one for non-negotiables (dealbreakers) one “nice to haves” (things you want in a partner, but are flexible from person to person), and one for shared values you want to see in your relationship. 

These exercises are all great, but should be paired with a more mindful style of dating. What does that mean? 

It means: accepting that not everyone has what you want or need (and that you won’t have what everyone else wants or needs all the time too.) It can feel discouraging, but recognizing when someone isn’t right for you isn’t a rejection. It’s accepting that your needs and values just aren’t compatible. Give yourself that acceptance and give yourself permission to move on. You won’t get what you want from a partner by trying to force it onto someone who isn’t what you’re looking for in the first place. 

It also means being clear and intentional as you go about dating. So, on dating apps, be honest about what you’re looking for! (Keep in mind, your profile should say more about you and what you’re looking for, and not be a checklist for potential partners to go through and see if they fit. You aren’t ordering a custom made partner.) Highlight the values you’re looking for, the type of relationship you see yourself happiest in, and the people who’s vision match with yours will fall into place. 

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

---

How to Cope With Losing Relationships as a Result of Your Chronic Illness

Many people don’t understand what it’s like to be seriously ill. People often also don’t know what to do when someone is sick. If you’ve ever dealt with a loss in your life you might be familiar with this. Some people don’t know what to say or do, so instead of saying the ‘wrong’ thing, they disappear until the crisis is over. It’s not a nice thing to do, certainly, but it is a human reaction to discomfort. Unfortunately, for folks living with chronic illness, this experience is all too familiar. With chronic illness however, there is no end in sight, and because of that some relationships just don’t survive. 

What is chronic illness in the first place? 

According to the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC), “Chronic diseases are defined broadly as conditions that last 1 year or more and require ongoing medical attention or limit activities of daily living or both. Chronic diseases such as heart disease, cancer, and diabetes are the leading causes of death and disability in the United States.”

What’s important to remember is that this is NOT your fault. Your illness doesn’t make you any less worthy of friendship and support in your life. A chronic illness diagnosis can bring up a lot of different feelings at once: worry, shame, relief, fear, exhaustion, and confusion are just a few. It’s hard enough to wrap your head around your diagnosis and how that will change your life without blaming yourself for your illness. 

The sad truth is, most people don’t know what it’s like to live with a chronic illness. Even though it shouldn’t fall on the ill person to explain things, you may find yourself going over the details over your illness repeatedly to clear up the confusion. That alone can be exhausting. Some people also don’t understand how isolating illness can be. Even though it’s not okay to treat people differently after their diagnosis, it’s a common response. However, there are ways to deal with changing relationships as a result of your chronic illness. 

Set boundaries

Boundaries are basically when you tell people what you expect from them. When you talk to someone about your illness and their response to it, go into the conversation with a few boundaries in mind. Let them know what you expect of them in this situation since as we mentioned above, most people have no idea what to do when someone is seriously ill. You can make it clear that you expect them to visit you regularly, that you’d like regular time to spend together, that you are available or unavailable to talk about your illness and anything else that will help you feel supported. Sometimes people just need direction and they can adjust their behavior accordingly. 

Speak up

When someone hurts you, tell them. Most people don’t understand how their actions look or feel to others. Maybe your friend didn’t know what to say, so instead of saying the wrong thing, they figured they’d get out of your way until they knew. If this (or something like it) happens in your life, call it out! Sometimes being reminded of the way our actions impact others can be enough of a wake-up call to act differently. If you bring up your concerns and feelings

Write them a letter

Even if you never send it, it can be really cathartic to write a letter to someone who has hurt you. You can process your feelings, go over what you’d like to say, and set the record straight to the best of your ability. You can send it or not, but sometimes just the act of writing down your feelings can be eye-opening. 

Learn about grief

Grief isn’t just for death. You can grieve any type of loss - including the loss of the life you had before your diagnosis. When you lose friendships as a result of your illness, you also experience grief. Grief is universal - at some point, everyone will feel it. Do some reading about grief to familiarize yourself with the grieving process so you know what to expect. Remember to be gentle with yourself and that there’s no wrong way to grieve. 

A chronic illness diagnosis can be totally life changing, and not just from a medical perspective. Since chronic illness is longer term than acute illness, it tends to ripple out and effect even more of people’s everyday lives, including their relationships. If you find your relationships changing as a result of your chronic illness, remember to be gentle with yourself - none of this is your fault. If you need more support in coping with these changing relationships, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help.  

---

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionatecare to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

Well Rounded Wellness: Exploring the Health Benefits of Spirituality

What is well-rounded wellness?

We’ve talked a bit before about the link between physical and mental wellness. And research is now showing that there is a significant mind-body connection; meaning our mental health can influence our physical health, and vice versa. 

So we know that health isn’t just one or the other. It’s not physical or mental, it’s a combination of caring for all of the different aspects of ourselves. But within this mind body connection, there’s another aspect often left out of the conversation: spiritual wellness. 

This aspect of wellness asks us to address our beliefs, our values, and our connection to the world we live in. It is often linked very directly with our mental health; spirituality can help with feelings of anxiety, depression, stress, listlessness, lack of purpose, etc. And in being so linked with our mental health, we see that a well rounded sense of wellness has to include the whole picture: mind, body, and soul. 

What is Spirituality?

For some, spirituality might be religion. Whether Judaism, Catholicsm, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Sihkism, etc, religion, no matter the denomination, is an expression of spirituality. 

But spirituality doesn’t have to be expressed through an organized religion. 

At its core, spirituality is about connecting with your world. It’s about finding your values, and finding ways to live your life with them in mind. It’s about finding your purpose, your connection to others, your connection to the world around you. Spirituality, whatever form it shows up in, is how we make sense of the time we’re given in this world. 

What is spiritual wellness?

Spiritual wellness is just like any other type of wellness: recognizing and meeting needs. The variance lies in what those needs are. You might need a structured religion, a holy text. Or you might need something more fluid, a spiritual connection to the earth or your own intuition. 

Spiritual wellness just means that you are asking yourself the question “What does it mean for me to be spiritually fulfilled?” and then doing your best to incorporate practices that help you achieve that fulfilment. Those practices might include things like: 

• Meditation

• Prayer

• Yoga 

• Community gatherings

• Volunteer work

• Journaling

When finding what feels right for you, please remember to be culturally sensitive. While mental & physical health do benefit greatly from spiritual exploration, it’s important to remember that while some spiritual practices are meant to be shared, others are intended as a sacred part of a closed culture. Please do your research if you are exploring spirituality or religion outside of what you are familiar with. 

How does spirituality improve our overall wellness?

There are many ways spirituality helps our overall wellness. A few include: 

Improved Sleep

Because most religions have some sort of mindfulness practice (prayer, meditation, yoga), the health benefits of mindfulness are also true of the health benefits of spirituality! And research has found that those with a steady mindfulness practice get better, more restful sleep than those without. 

Boosted Physical Health 

Spiritual practices not only help our mental and emotional health, but our physical health as well. Having those steady practices helps give us a regular mindfulness routine which not only improves the quality of our sleep, but has also been shown to lower blood pressure, and strengthen our immune system. 

Improved relationships

Spirituality often centers on the idea of connection, and often requires (or benefits from) some sort of community involvement. And when we are committed to a community, that means we are attuning ourselves to be mindful of others wants and needs, as well as strengthening our own skills in communication–simply through practice! And these skills aren’t restricted just to your own spiritual community. They become habit, and make it easier for you to handle conflict and communication with other people in your life. 

Decreased symptoms of anxiety and depression

When you explore and commit to your own spirituality, you feel a stronger sense of connection. To yourself, your friends and loved ones, your community, your environment, etc. This feeling of connection helps to lower the risk of depression. And spiritual practices like meditation, prayer, and yoga help to increase our mindfulness, and in doing so decrease our stress and anxiety levels. 

Improved coping skills

When difficult life events occur (sudden illness, relationship trouble, death of a loved one, etc.) spirituality helps to give us a guidebook on how to manage what seems unmanagable. Take, for example, the death of a loved one. While traditions vary across religions and spirituality, the thing that links them all is that there is some sort of tradition or ritual that accompanies grief and loss. This can help facilitate the grieving process. Rather than pushing those difficult emotions to the side and ignoring them, spiritual or religious traditions help us to face them. And the traditions or rituals that go along with those occurrences helps us to feel like we are in control of our own grieving, or emotional journey. Without these traditions it would be much more difficult to grapple with uncomfortable emotions (like grief) and the feeling of being untethered and out of control would just make things worse. 

Incorporating spirituality into your life is a great way to round out your wellness practice. Keeping a holistic view of wellness (mind, body and soul) reminds you to take stock of your needs, and find enjoyable ways for you to fill them, without sacrificing your health in other areas.  And, in fact, can help you to improve both your mental and physical health! 

---

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionatecare to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

Ways to Cope with Depression After Pregnancy Loss

For many women, pregnancy can be a really uncertain time - excitement, fear, anxiety, hope all come into play. Many pregnancies do lead to healthy babies, but unfortunately, that’s not the reality for everyone. Although it’s still considered culturally taboo to discuss pregnancy loss, the truth is that not all pregnancies end with a healthy infant. It’s hard to imagine an unsuccessful pregnancy, but roughly 10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. 

Pregnancy loss can mean a couple of different things. Most commonly, it means a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage or stillbirth instead of a healthy, living infant. The difference between a miscarriage and a stillbirth is based on the number of weeks into the pregnancy. A miscarriage is defined as a pregnancy loss before 20 weeks of gestation. Stillbirth is defined as fetal death after 20 weeks of pregnancy. 

The reasons for pregnancy loss aren’t always understood, which can make the experience even more devastating. Some of the factors thought to be involved are genetic defects, viral or bacterial infections, hormone imbalances, and autoimmune disorders. However, much of the time there isn’t an easy answer as to why the pregnancy was lost. Losing a pregnancy is often a life-changing event for a person, and makes sense that after such a serious loss, depression may develop. 

In our culture, talking about pregnancy loss is seen as a no-no, which can make the experience even more lonely. The idea seems to be that since the pregnancy did not come to term, that there is not as much to be sad about, which is of course not true. Some common responses to hearing about a pregnancy loss are, ”It was meant to be,” “You can always try again,” “It’s better that it happened early,”. Most people who say these things don’t intend to be cruel, but these statements can minimize the grief and sorrow that the person is feeling. 

Because this type of loss is often minimized, many folks are left to get through it alone or only with their partner to lean on. People expect folks to bounce back after this type of loss faster than other types for some reason, and it can put a lot of pressure on the grieving parties. 

If you or someone you know has experienced pregnancy loss, here are some symptoms of depression to look out for: 

• Feeling hopeless all the time

• Sleep problems (sleeping too much or not enough)

• Changes in appetite

• Sudden irritability or outbursts of anger

• Constant anxiety

• Panic attacks 

• Feelings of guilt 

• Feelings of worthlessness

• Difficulty with making decisions

• Problems remembering things

• Suicidal thoughts

Women are not the only ones to feel depression after pregnancy loss. Research says that men also experience depression as a result of pregnancy loss, but on average, men recover from this depression more quickly than women. 

While there is no tried and true recipe for moving through grief, there are some ways to support yourself or a loved one after a pregnancy loss. 

Medication

Depression is a serious condition, and sometimes it can only be treated with medication. There is nothing shameful about taking medicine for your mental health, just as there is nothing shameful about taking allergy medicine when you have allergies. Medication can be an extra leg of support for you as you work through this loss. 

Therapy

Therapy is an opportunity to work through your feelings about this loss. If you want, you can search for a therapist you can see with your partner. If you’re not up for seeing someone in person yet, there are many opportunities for online therapy so you can get the help you need where you are. 

Be gentle with your body

You might feel out of touch with your body after this experience, and that’s okay. Do your best to look after your body with kindness during this time.  Nourish it with foods that appeal to you and make you feel good. Move your body if that feels good to you. Try to establish a sleep routine to make sure you get enough rest. 

Find a Community

Community can be invaluable after a loss. Knowing that others have gone through what you are experiencing can help you feel less lonely. You won't have to justify your feelings or your pain to anyone there, and you can lean on each other when you need to. 

If you or someone close to you is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. For more support in recovering from pregnancy loss, the counselors at Hope+Wellness can help. Contact us today to get started. 

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

Is Perfectionism Holding You Back?

What is perfectionism?

“Perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks.” That is how Psychology Today makes short work of defining perfectionism. While simple, this succinct definition of perfection hits the nail on the head. 

While achieving perfection sounds positive, the trait of perfectionism is actually more toxic than beneficial to our overall health and wellness–because, as most of us know, perfection isn’t actually possible to achieve. Instead, perfectionism is a trait that acts as a harsh, critical voice inside our heads, making us too afraid of failure or criticism to try new things, expand our world, or let ourselves be vulnerable in any way. 

In essence, if you are a perfectionist, the thought of doing something incorrectly can hinder you from trying it at all. There is a constant fear of judgement, criticism, or ridicule in the back of your mind. You also likely attribute your value, your worthiness, your purpose, etc. to things that you can achieve. Due to this, the idea that you might not be successful at something new isn’t just a learning experience for you; it’s an experience that makes you question your value entirely. 

Signs you might be a perfectionist: 

• You would rather not do something at all, than do it incorrectly

• You’re specific about your process: things have to be done in a certain way or else they are wrong

• You’re overly critical of yourself

• You pay more attention to criticism than praise

• Your standards (in work, regarding personal goals, etc.) are extremely high

• You’re prone to procrastination

• You invest too much time in something, often “correcting” mistakes that others don’t see

•  Success is never enough: no matter what you accomplish, you feel you can still achieve more.

Where does it come from?

As we touched on above, perfectionism is rooted in fear, which can essentially be boiled down to one general fear: that you won’t be enough. 

Whether that comes in the form of not being smart enough to do something well, or not being creative enough to tackle a new project, or not being skilled enough to be an expert at everything, there’s is an underlying fear at the root of all perfectionism. 

In the mind of a perfectionist, criticism isn’t just a tool that can be used to learn, grow, and get better. It’s a judgement on their worthiness, their quality, all of the core parts of their identity. 

How does it impact our lives?

Obviously, this trait can have a huge impact on our lives. 

Whether your perfectionism comes in the form of obsessively hiding your imperfections from others, or in trying to achieve perfection in all things, it can take a huge toll on the self. 

If you are constantly worrying about perceived imperfections, you will be more concerned with how you’re appearing to others than actually taking care of yourself. Rather than making decisions based on what it is you need and want, you’ll make decisions based on how those choices will appear to an outside observer. 

And if you are constantly trying to achieve (or at least project) perfection in all things, failure–or not being able to achieve absolute perfection–will feel devastating. In fact, it will feel so horrible that you likely will stop trying new things, stop allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and stick only with what you know you can do. 

In either of these cases, it’s clear that perfectionism is a one way track to stopping our growth and self betterment. 

How can we resist the pressure of perfectionism?

Learning to resist the compulsion for perfectionism is hard, and can feel very scary. But it is also an amazing step on your journey toward self care! While healing from perfectionism can be a long and arduous journey, there are a few things you can do for yourself to get you started:

1). Give yourself concrete reasons for change

This may seem silly at first, but make a pro + con list when you see your perfectionism rearing its head. How are you benefitting from the need for perfection? How is it holding you back? Maybe there’s a big project you need to be working on, but you know that you aren’t ready to do it perfectly, so you’re putting it off. The “pro” here is that you’re giving yourself a sense of reassurance that there will be a later time when you’re more prepared to handle this task, and you are saving yourself from immediate criticism. But how else is it impacting your life? In the “con” side you might out things like: putting this project off is making it harder to manage my time, I’m constantly stressed because I know I will have to deal with it later, I’m giving myself a shorter amount of time to produce something of quality, etc. 

Be kind to yourself when doing this exercise. Remind yourself that your perfectionism serves a purpose–it likely exists to offer you some sort of protection. However, at this point in your life, the protection it offers is outweighed by the burden it puts on you. Giving yourself a physical list to show this can be a powerful reminder & motivator when trying to overcome your perfectionism. 

2). Celebrate what you’ve done well

A big problem in perfectionism is that when a perfectionist is not 100% successful at something, they don’t just see it as an instance in which they failed. Rather, they see it as the turning point when they became a failure. Reminding yourself of things you have accomplished, jobs done well, even small victories, can help you to remember that even if you don’t succeed at one thing, you aren’t a failure. 

3). Only compare yourself to you 

If you’re trying something new, and you compare yourself to an expert, you’re obviously going to feel like you’re coming up short. Instead, use yourself as the yardstick to measure accomplishment. If you want to learn to play the piano, don’t compare your first day at a piano to Elton John now. Instead, think about how yesterday, you didn’t have the courage to even sit down at a piano, and now you’re actively learning! In a month, or a year, you’ll be able to look back and see what progress you’ve made. 

---

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

5 Ways Chronic Illness can Affect Your Mental Health

Many of us take our physical health for granted until we are forced to do otherwise. For the six out of every ten adults in the US who live with a chronic illness, however, the fantasy of living in perfect health is one that’s hard to reach. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), chronic illness is defined as “conditions that last 1 year or more and require ongoing medical attention or limit activities of daily living or both.”

Keep in mind: you cannot measure someone’s physical or mental health by looking at them. It’s also important to note that just no one owes anyone a certain level of health - people with chronic illness are just as much people as anyone else, and they deserve dignity and respect.  

The idea of living in perfect physical and mental health throughout your entire life is not realistic. At some point, you will probably have to deal with some sort of serious illness or condition, either for yourself or for someone you care about. Just because you don’t have to worry about chronic illness right now doesn’t mean that will always be the case. 

Physical health and mental health are linked

There is a connection between your physical health and your mental state. You might have experienced swings in mood or energy when you’re not feeling well, and that can be exponentially more intense in the case of chronic illness. In fact, people with chronic illnesses are two times more likely to experience anxiety and depression than people who don’t have a chronic illness. 

Living with a chronic illness is the reality for many folks in the United States (and all over the world, too). The way that physical health can take a toll on mental health is well documented. Looking at the whole picture, physical and mental, can help folks find better treatment options that will support them in all aspects of life. Here are 5 ways that chronic illness can affect mental health: 

Brain Chemicals

The chemicals in your brain play a large role in mental health, and some physical conditions can impact those chemicals. Changing levels of hormones and neurotransmitters in your system can lead to mental health side effects (like anxiety, depression, etc.). Inflammation in the brain may also play a role in mental health. In fact, it has even been suggested that depression is associated with inflammation in the brain, so increased inflammation in the body due to physical illness may directly play a role in depression.  

Chronic illness can be traumatic

Chronic illness can also lead to PTSD. Living in a body that is chronically ill can be incredibly stressful and scary. Trauma can come in many different forms, and chronic illness is one. In fact, there is a specific type of PTSD called Illness Induced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, though it isn’t well understood by medical professionals. There does seem to be a distinction between this type of PTSD and traditional PTSD - chronic illnesses can last for an undetermined amount of time, which can prolong the trauma. 

Stress

Experiencing long term illness can lead to a major increase in stress - stress about your condition, about finances, about accessibility, about insurance, about anything, really. This extra stress can lead to mental health problems. Long term stress has long been known to be detrimental to mental health. That’s why self-care is so important right now - people are finally realizing that the best way to care for others is to care for yourself first.  Because chronic conditions by definition last a long time, folks who live with them often end up living with a lot of stress and uncertainty. 

Medications 

The medications folks take to manage their chronic conditions may also play a role in mental health. Medications can have complex side effects and interactions with each other, and sometimes that leads to a change in mental health. Depending on the condition, you may be able to try different medications to manage things to see if that makes a difference. It’s important for anyone involved in the care of chronically ill folks are aware of the way medication can influence mental health. 

Shame + Hopelessness

Shame is an aspect of chronic illness that many people don’t talk about (especially people who don’t live with a chronic condition). In the United States, there is a very high value placed on physical health. Because of this, anyone who falls short of perfect physical health is seen as failing (even though this couldn’t be further from the truth!). Some people will blame themselves for their condition, or be too embarrassed to talk about it with anyone but their medical team. Some people feel like they have to prove that they’re ‘sick enough’ to be considered chronically ill. This kind of ableism can be draining, especially over a long period of time.  

Suffering from a chronic condition without improvement can lead to feeling hopeless. You might feel that you’ll never be your old self again, or that you’ll never have another good day. You may need to grieve for the life you had before your diagnosis. Chronic illness can majorly change up your plans in life, and it’s perfectly normal to have a lot of complicated feelings about that. 

The majority of people in the United States will experience chronic illness at some point in their lives. Since chronic illness is so common, it’s important to understand the ways that physical illness and mental illness intersect and influence one another. Treating the whole person is an important way to improve a person’s quality of life overall. It’s critical to take into account mental health when discussing physical health and vice versa. If you are living with a chronic illness and you’re looking for support, we can help. 

---

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

How to stop social media from making you feel bad about yourself

When you think of self care practices, do you ever consider your social media? 

While social media is great for so many things (keeping up to date with friends who live far away, finding new music or movies or other cultural events, staying on top of local events, just to name a few) it’s not something we should use mindlessly. 

And for every positive aspect of social media, there’s an equal and opposite negative action. Yes you’re able to keep up with friends, but do you remember that their lives aren’t as perfectly curated or posed as they seem on social media? Do you forget to check in with loved ones because seeing a facebook update makes you feel like you’ve already caught up? Do you get stressed from the information overload that can come with mindless social media scrolling? 

Just as with all other social interactions, social media requires a bit of intentional effort. We have to find out what works for us and what doesn’t, and we have to learn to take a step back when things aren’t working. But because social media is so ingrained in our culture, it’s easy to forget that this effort needs to be put in. 

If you’re finding yourself feeling bad more often than you’re feeling good when you use social media, it might be time for some major social media self care. Below are our top 4 tips for how to practice self care with your social media:  

1. Curate Your Feed

Who are you following on twitter or instagram? When you scroll through your feeds do you feel at ease, or anxious? Because we are able to take in so much information and content in a short time with social media, it’s important to make sure we’re being careful with exactly what kind of content we’re consuming. If you find yourself constantly frustrated or upset at a certain account's posts, remind yourself there is no social obligation making you follow them. 

Have you heard of the tidying method from Marie Kondo? The basic idea is that you decide what sparks joy for you from your possessions, and get rid of those that don’t. You can do the same thing with your social media feeds! While you scroll through, think to yourself, is this account bringing joy? Is it adding something positive to my life? Unfollow or mute accounts that aren’t. It will help keep your social media as a positive space, and leave you less anxious or tense after scrolling. 

2. Be Intentional with Your Social Media Presence

There is this idea that if we stay plugged into social media all day long, we’ll be better informed. But really, all this does is feed into our own anxiety and create a compulsion to keep checking and checking and checking our feeds. And when we’re too busy checking our feeds, we’re not actually engaging with the life, culture & experiences around us! Social media, after all, is meant to be a platform where you share parts of your life, not the main way you live your life.

So, like curating your feeds, taking time to decide which platforms spark joy can be hugely beneficial. You don’t actually have to be on every social media platform. Decide which ones actually add joy to your life. Do you like instagram because you can keep up with local events, or see how friends far away are doing? Or does it stress you out to see pictures of what everyone else is doing because it makes you get caught up in the comparison game? Leave the platforms that leave you upset after visiting them. 

3. Use it After Leaving Social Events

There is often a compulsion to keep everyone updated with everything you’re doing as you’re doing it. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to share a picture of you and your friends! But try to keep your social media time to the times when you aren’t otherwise socially engaged. Do your best to be present when at a party or event, and wait until you’re back home to share a post about it. That way you’ll be able to focus on actually having a good time wherever you are instead of just making it look like you had a good time on facebook. 

4. Take a Break

Sometimes, what you need is a good old fashioned social media vacation. You don’t have to delete your accounts, but try deleting the apps off of your phone. See if you can stay off them for a week. When we’re so used to being “on” all of the time, it can be hard to imagine a total break like that, but it might be just what you need. It will help to remind you that the satisfaction you get from scrolling through your social media feeds isn’t the only way you get social satisfaction in your life. And when you do get back on the apps, you’ll be able to keep it in perspective and moderate your time a bit more than before. 

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

---

How to Tap Into and Listen to Your Intuition

What is Intuition?

Intuition sounds like a complex, magical thing. When we think about intuitive people there’s an air of fortune-telling or mysticism that comes along with the word, but all intuition really is is your feelings. Intuition is your gut instinct in any situation. 

You know that saying “you know more than you think you do”? That’s where intuition comes in. We have so much knowledge stored in our brains that we don’t access on a daily basis, so sometimes we forget it’s there. Your gut feelings, your intuition, is that knowledge coming back up. 

Past experiences are all stored in our brains, and while we may not be actively thinking about them, our brain can access them when it needs to. It uses those past experiences and cues from our environment and our sense of self and all comes together to give us those gut feelings we call intuition. 

Your body and your brain can interpret your environment faster than you can, so when you get a “bad feeling” it doesn’t mean you’re overreacting or being “crazy”–it means that there is something there, some element of your environment that triggered that knowledge in the back recesses of your brain before you could piece it together yourself. 

Our intuition doesn’t yell at us. It’s like a whisper in the back of our minds. Sometimes we can’t even explain what it’s trying to say–it’s just a feeling that something is off, that something needs closer attention, something drawing us in a particular direction. This is also why our intuition is so often ignored. If you aren’t intentional about listening to your intuition it can seem like a silly feeling, something you just need to shake off. 

Signs You Aren’t Listening to Your Intuition:

1. There’s constant discomfort in your stomach

   Yes! Turns out your gut feelings can actually have a physical effect on your actual gut. The mind-body connection is extremely powerful; our bodies know when something in our mind has been left unattended. And when we have ignored our feelings or anxieties, our body tries to force us to address them. These feelings manifest in physical symptoms, which in this case is most commonly stomach ache or distress. 

2. You feel like you’re lying

   When someone asks you how you are and you respond “Great!” because you can’t point to anything technically wrong in your life, does it actually feel great? If you’re looking for reasons why that “great” might be a lie, chances are you have missed something your intuition has been trying to tell you. Even if things are going well, there is a gut feeling there that you need to make a change, and when you ignore that feeling, what should feel great starts to feel off. 

3. You feel out of place socially

   Our intuition can play a huge role in our social lives if we let it. When we listen to our intuition socially, we’re able to find our place better, find the people we can really bond with. But often, we’re looking for the people who are right for us on paper, rather than in our guts. Maybe you spend time with your coworkers because you want to fit in at work, maybe you feel like you’re constantly adjusting yourself to fit into your social group, etc. Instead of making changes within yourself that aren’t true to who you are, listen to what your intuition is telling you about your social situation. Tap into that gut feeling when meeting new people. Do you click? Does it feel right? Or do you feel out of place?

How You Can Tap Into Your Intuition:

Learning to listen to our intuition can be an incredible turning point. It might be a big adjustment (especially if you’re a person who likes to make pro/con lists before making every decision) but tapping into the powerful knowledge we already have about ourselves can do wonders for our mental health. It helps us: 

• Feel more confident in our decisions

• Feel more confident in ourselves

• Feel more at ease in our social circles

• Feel more at peace in our day to day lives

• Improve health & sleep overall

So how can you start to tap into your intuition?

1. Practice Mindfulness

   when you make mindfulness a regular part of your routine, your intuition (and your ability to hear and heed your intuition) grows stronger. Find a few moments each day to commit to mindfulness. Whether it’s on your drive to work, while you’re brushing your teeth, just before you go to bed, etc. Whatever it is you decide to do mindfully, commit to that one activity entirely. Think about what you’re doing, what you’re feeling, the environment around you. When you actively practice noticing the present moment, it is easier to recognize your intuition when it tries to speak with you. 

2. Make low-risk gut decisions

   Not sure how reliable your intuition is? Test it out a bit while you grow comfortable with it. When low-pressure decisions come up (where are you going to eat, what should you wear, what book should you start next) make the decision based purely on whatever gut feeling you get. This can help you start to trust your own intuition, and allow you to rely on it when bigger decisions come along. 

3. Keep a dream journal

   Our dreams are often huge methods of communication for our intuition. Do you ever wake from a dream and feel like it was important? What were the feelings you got from the dream, what were the big things that stood out? Keep a paper journal or use the voice memo app to record what it was that stood out about those dreams. Then take some time to reflect on what these dreams could be trying to tell you. Not every dream is a secret message, but learning to pay attention to what our mind is trying to tell us as it processes the day’s events can help us hone our intuition! 

4. Pay attention to your energy

   When does your energy feel depleted? When does it feel recharged? Do you feel anxious in specific situations? Do certain people have the same effect on your energy every time you see them? This can be your intuitions way of telling you what is good for you to keep in your life and what needs to be reevaluated. 

Do you need some extra support in learning how to tap into and trust your intuition? We can help. Contact us today!

---

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

7 Ways to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship

One of the hardest parts of being in a relationship with someone else is figuring out how to talk to them about serious stuff. Relationships can be complicated for many reasons, but sometimes a barrier between partners is that they don’t know how to effectively communicate with each other. Many of us didn’t grow up with positive models of relationships to look up to, so you may feel like you have no chance to catch up at this point. Luckily, that isn’t true! You can figure out ways to communicate with your partner that work in your relationship, even if healthy communication is completely new to you. 

Communication is an essential part of any relationship. It is intimidating to try to talk about vulnerable things with anyone, especially with someone you have strong feelings for. It might feel odd to try a different communication style with your partner, but keep an open mind, and remember you can always switch it up if it isn’t working for you both. 

Try these tips to communicate more effectively with your partner: 

Learn how you both prefer to communicate

The idea of love languages was developed by Dr. Gary Chapman to explain the differences in how people show love. There are five main love languages (words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, acts of service) in Dr. Chapman’s model, and the idea behind it is that everyone has a different way they prefer to show and receive love. If you and your partner have a difficult time showing each other love, it might just be that you have different approaches to how you like to be loved. Similarly, you can look at personality tests like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test, or the Enneagram to pick up on some themes in how you relate to other people. If you dig in and do a little research on the ways you communicate and behave differently, you can then focus on how to communicate together. 

Practice listening

Listening sounds like a fairly easy concept, right? However, the way you listen actually matters when talking to your partner. When you’re communicating with someone, it can be easy to get caught up in what you’re going to say next, or to respond to what they’re saying before they’re finished. This is called listening to respond. However, instead of listening to respond, try to listen to understand instead. Put aside any thoughts of how you will respond, or things you want to say, and focus on what your partner is actually saying. 

Don’t Interrupt

One way to shut down a conversation is to jump in and cut off your partner while they’re talking. Instead of listening to understand, interrupting shows that you aren’t interested in what they’re saying and that what you have to say is more important, which is probably not the impression you want to give. 

Stay Present

One way to shut down communication is to hide behind a screen instead of paying attention to your partner. If you’re having a face to face conversation, put your devices to the side and stay present in the discussion. This shows your partner that talking to them is important to you. In addition to screens and other kinds of tech, clear your area of any other distractions. Turn off the TV, take out your headphones, put aside your book, pause the music. 

Talk about positive things too

Make sure you talk to your partner about positive things along with the negative! Make sure to ask your partner about positive things from their day. Keep a list of things you love about your partner, and try to work them into your conversations naturally. Find ways to show you see them and care for them. 

Use “I” Statements

Instead of framing your discussion as something about them, focus on using “I” statements. Don’t start a statement with “You”, start with “I”, and then describe how you feel. For example, instead of saying “You never make time for me anymore,” say “I feel like we aren’t spending as much time together as we used to.” Framing the conversation this way can help your partner feel less defensive and more open to hearing what you actually say, instead of trying to stick up for themselves. 

Think about your body language

When you talk to your partner, what is your posture like? Are your arms crossed? Are you facing each other, or looking away? Do they seem tense in any way? Nonverbal cues, like body language, are a valuable part of communication. You can sense your partner’s mood through the way they are holding themselves. When you want to have an open discussion with your partner, make sure your body language is open. 

If you need some extra support in learning how to communicate with your partner, we can help. Contact us today!

---

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

What parents of anxious children should know about anxiety

What is anxiety?

Feeling anxious is a completely normal part of life. When big events or school projects or new social experiences are coming up, it’s natural for your child to feel some degree of anxiety. However, just as in adult, anxiety in children can also become overwhelming. When this anxiety tips over from being a manageable emotion to being a major obstacle in their everyday life, that’s when your child may be struggling to manage an anxiety disorder. 

In general, there are three types of anxiety that are the most common in children. These are: 

1. Generalized Anxiety: when the child experiences pervasive anxiety or distress at everyday occurrences, most often regarding school or sports in children. Typically categorized by “undue distress about a variety of everyday things beyond the scope of more specific anxieties and phobias” (Child Mind Institute)

2. Separation Anxiety: when the child is anxious at the prospect of being separated from someone of significance. (A parent, a sibling, a close friend, a pet, etc.) This type of anxiety is very common in toddlers, but can also appear in school age & adolescent children. 

3. Social Anxiety: when the child is anxious, worried, nervous, etc. in any sort of social situation. This can include playdates, school activities, sports, clubs, etc. There is often an underlying self-consciousness, a fear of being judged, disliked, or embarrassed. 

4. Specific, Severe Phobias: this is when the child has a severe fear of something irrational. They might be afraid of thunder, which could cause them to work themselves into nervousness or an anxiety attack if the sky turns dark or it starts to rain. 

How does it show up in kids?

If you believe your child is struggling with anxiety, there are some key physical, emotional & behavioral symptoms to look out for. Physical symptoms include: 

• Frequent  physical aches: if your child is often getting headaches or stomach aches, it may be a physical manifestation of anxiety. Pay attention to any patterns you can identify when your child starts to complain of these aches. 

• Trouble eating: does your child feel sick or nauseated when it comes time to eat somewhere unfamiliar? Being uncomfortable eating anywhere other than the home is a sign of anxiety that can often spiral into physical sickness when the time to eat at school (or a friend’s house, or a club, etc.) comes along. 

•  Trouble using the bathroom: as with eating, if your child has difficulty using the bathroom anywhere new or outside of your home, that may be a symptom of anxiety. 

• Difficulty sleeping: just as in adults, anxiety can impair a child’s ability to fall asleep, sleep restfully, or stay asleep. 

Emotional & Behavioral symptoms of anxiety in children include: 

• Intense, heightened emotional reactivity: Anxiety is a difficult feeling to process and understand, especially as a child. Instead, they may be more inclined to react with other extreme emotions. If your child seems as though they are crying more than usual, is extremely sensitive, becomes irritable easily, etc. it is likely an emotional manifestation of their anxiety. 

• Continued worry over everyday activities: does your child seem worried or panicked about things you or they do all the time? Are they worried about being dropped off at school? Do they fret about getting out of the car in the right spot, finding the right door to walk through, etc.? These fixated worries are probably a sign of anxiety. 

• Isolation: does your child remove themselves from social situations, even ones you think they may enjoy? Do they participate in class or sports or clubs? Do they try anything to get out of going to school? Do they dread birthday parties, etc.?

• Need for approval: while there is an inherent desire for approval in almost all of us, anxious kids struggle much more with this need. They find themselves looking for approval or permission for everything they do.

• Look out for: the phrase “will you do it for me?” When kids are overwhelmed by anxiety, they can often want their parents to take over. Even if it something you know they are capable of doing on their own, if they are experiencing anxiety, this phrase is likely to crop up. 

What challenges will this create for them?

The ways in which anxiety manifests in children makes it difficult for them socially, academically & developmentally. At this age, learning to form new relationships is crucial, and the foundations of learning and personal development are taking place. 

When children are too anxious to take part in social or school activities, they miss out on critical experiences like: making friends, learning social rules, developing problem solving skills, etc.  

How can you help?

Hope isn’t lost though! There is plenty that can be done to help your child manage their anxiety and thrive, with healthy coping skills. Here are five ways you can help your child learn about & manage their anxiety: 

1. Give it a name: when your child is feeling anxious, have them draw a picture of what that anxiety feels like. Have them give it a face, a body, a name. This can help you teach them that their anxiety is a separate thing from their own identity. Talk about their anxiety monster as if it is it’s own being. When they have anxious thoughts, ask them, “What is Bob (or whatever name they choose) saying to you?” Remind them that there is no judgment, no wrong answer. Be there to help them separate fact from fiction in what their anxiety is telling them. 

2. Give them a chance to slow down: if you can, encourage your child to focus on their breathing. Show them how to breathe in and out slowly, counting breaths, until they are able to slow down. If they are in the midst of an emotional reaction (crying, a tantrum, etc.) give them a glass of water and have them drink the whole thing. In order to drink it, they will have to slow down and focus on breathing while they drink it, which can help calm them down. 

3. Have regular “worry time”: Make space in your schedule to sit with them and discuss what they are worried about. This will help them feel listened to and validated, and allow you to brainstorm solutions to whatever is worrying them. When it’s worry time, sit down with them and tell them “Okay, it’s Worry Time, tell me what you’re worried about.” Let them say anything they need to without cutting them off. Don’t tell them their worries are silly, instead offer a solution. For example: if your child get anxious about speaking in front of others, but knows they have a school project coming up, they will probably feel anxious about it. Teach them to manage their problems in small chunks. First, they can write down what they want to say. Then they can practice it in front of you. Then add a sibling or a friend, but have them turn around and face the other way. Then have them say it while facing you, etc. 

4. Help them find accommodations: if your child is frequently anxious in new social situations, try to expose them to new places + people in small, controlled doses. If there is a birthday party coming up, call the parents of the child and see if your children can get together at their house before the party, so it will be a more familiar environment. If your child is going to summer camp, see if you can visit and meet teachers or counselors or coaches beforehand. 

5. Teach them that worry has a purpose: It isn’t wrong to be worried–in fact that feeling of worry often lets us know that something isn’t right. The problem comes when that worry takes control of their whole life. Remind them that they can always come to you with their worries, and you will help them find a solution. 

If you're looking for support for your anxious child, or if you're not sure where to begin, contact us today for help! 

---

therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!