3 Tips for Working Through Shame

3 Tips for Working Through Shame

You know what feels absolutely terrible? 

Shame. 

Shame is an emotion that we all feel, but we pretty much all hate to talk about. That’s because shame is designed to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Of course you wouldn’t want to talk about that! 

What is shame?

We all feel shame, but what is it? Shame is “a self-conscious emotion arising from the sense that something is fundamentally wrong about oneself.” Shame makes us feel bad about ourselves. It tells us that we are unloveable, unlikeable, and not good enough.

Unlike guilt, which is based on something you did or didn’t do, shame comes from the belief that there is something wrong with you. We aren’t born feeling shame, but we learn it based on our surroundings. Shame can be learned from experiences with others and from the culture we grow up in. Some psychologists believe that we developed shame as an emotion because we’re social animals. Without shame, some people might not follow laws or cultural norms. While sometimes shame is helpful, it can often spiral out of control. 

Why does shame feel so uncomfortable? 

Shame is what’s known as a negative emotion, which are unhappy or unpleasant emotions such as fear, anger, or sadness. Negative emotions are tough for us to process because they make us feel discomfort, so we do what we can to avoid them. Shame in particular is hard to deal with because it impacts how you feel about yourself. Shame can play on all of your insecurities and fears and leave you feeling worthless. 

Shame is a terrible feeling, and the way people try to get rid of that terrible feeling varies. Shame can lead to people working to become perfect, even though perfectionism can be damaging. Some people’s shame leads them to spend less time with others, out of fear of being judged or ridiculed. Others react to shame with anger, violence, or defensiveness. Some people try to avoid the pain of shame by using substances or harming themselves. 

You aren’t doomed to be stuck in a shame spiral forever. Here are 3 ways to start working through shame: 

Notice it as it comes up

It’s tempting to avoid shame. You might even do it without realizing! Letting it slip by unnoticed lets it grow, though, so it’s helpful to nip it in the bud when you can. It might take some time to feel like you’re prepared to face your shame head on, but when you start to notice that little shame voice in your head, it’s easier to stop it. You can’t do something about it if you don’t know it’s there! 

It can be painful to notice all the different ways you feel shame. Some people give that little shame voice a name to make it easier to point out when it’s talking. Using a silly name works great here, because it can take some of the emotional sting out of shame. That way, when you hear that voice of shame in your head, you can just remind yourself, “There goes Shamey Shirley again,” instead of feeling badly about yourself. 

It might also be helpful to notice how shame feels in your body to get into the habit of noticing when it pops up. What does it feel like, physically, when you feel shame? Is there a tightness in your stomach? A lump in your throat? Tension in your muscles? When you notice what shame feels like in your body, it can be easier to recognize that it is present. 

Talk about it out loud

Shame thrives on secrecy. When we keep our feelings of shame to ourselves, it lets them grow and multiply until they get out of control. It can be excruciatingly vulnerable to talk to someone about the things that you’re ashamed of, but speaking it out loud can take away some of the power it has over you.

Sometimes just saying something out loud is enough to make you realize that it wasn’t that powerful in the first place. Sharing shame with someone you trust can also help you realize that you’re not the only person who feels this way. 

Since shame, at its core, is about feeling like there’s something wrong with you, it can feel like you’re admitting there’s something wrong with you when you talk about shame. Remember that just by talking to someone about shame, you’re being incredibly brave. Shame often leads us to avoid other people and to keep things to ourselves because we don’t want to be judged or we worry other people will know that there’s something wrong with us. Going against that instinct to keep shame to yourself is hard to do, but so powerful. 

Be compassionate to yourself

Untangling shame is not going to be done overnight. It took a lifetime to learn the things that you feel ashamed about, so it will take patience to undo that. While you’re working on it, be as compassionate to yourself as you possibly can. Shame can make it easy to get carried away with self-loathing, because it plays on all of your deepest insecurities and tells you that you’re a problem. When you notice that happening, interrupt it by being ridiculously kind to yourself. 

When you notice those negative shame thoughts coming up, try to interrupt them or reframe them. Are those thoughts actually true, or are they based on negative thought patterns? Try to remind yourself that you’re doing your best. The negative thoughts you have about yourself aren’t all true, and you can look at things from different perspectives when you’re not stuck in shame. 

Are you struggling to deal with shame? Working with a therapist can give you a safe space to explore shame without judgment and find new ways to cope that actually work for you. Send us a message today to get started! 

Balancing Self and Community Care

We know that self care is important. 

With so much conversation surrounding burnout in the last few years, we’re maybe more aware than ever how essential self care is! 

Unfortunately, the root of burnout often can’t be addressed on the individual level. By nature, burnout isn’t just feeling tired, it’s a complete depletion of your mental, physical and emotional energy, often as a result of being overworked, underpaid and burdened with responsibilities beyond what you can reasonably manage on your own. This isn’t something that just resting more can fix. While it certainly doesn’t hurt, it’s important to remember that it’s not personal failure when you can’t self-care your way out of burnout. 

So if individual changes can’t fix burnout why bother?

Reading that may have felt disheartening. It can make it feel like it’s pointless to put real effort into taking care of yourself–if there’s a larger system burning you out, why bother putting your energy toward trying to counter it when it’s not your lifestyle causing the problem? 

In one sense, it’s not fair to have to do extra work to counteract the effects of an unruly system. It’s reflective of healthism–turning systemic or collective issues into problems for the individual to solve. It’s a common predicament that doesn’t just apply to mental health. Think back to the controversy following the banning of plastic straws in certain states–while fossil fuels and corporate giants are the ones causing the most damage to the environment, the burden of the “solution” was put onto the individual consumer, when it turns out straws are actually a very small part of the problem. 

Because we live in such an individualistic culture, it can be hard to find the line between “this problem is caused by something bigger than me, so it’s not my problem” and “it’s my job to sacrifice my own well being for the good of my community.” We often think it has to be one or the other, but in reality it’s a blend! Caring for ourselves requires a healthy community, and we can’t have a healthy community when it’s completely neglected due to lack of a sense of collective responsibility. 

How do we find balance between individual responsibility and collective care?

Take the environmental example. Yes, large corporations, billionaires, fossil fuels, and agriculture are the largest contributors to climate change. No, recycling or reducing individual waste won’t tip the scales or undo the damage caused by all those entities larger than you. Does that mean you have no responsibility to your environment or community? But if everyone takes that stance, the damage will only get worse and worse. And the mindset of “it’s someone else’s problem” gets culturally stronger every time we decide not to think of our community when we act. No, it won’t reverse climate change to clear the garbage off of your yard, but it will help make your neighborhood a nice place to walk around and spend time, which can in turn increase your sense of community and belonging, improving your mental health (and probably your physical health–you’ll want to be out and active more if it’s a nice place to be!)

Taking time to identify your values can help you find the balance between caring for yourself and caring for your community. What is important to you? 

For example, maybe body positivity is something that you’re passionate about. While cultivating practices for yourself such as gentle, joyful movement, intimate touch, prioritizing filling and delicious meals, etc. are all wonderful expressions of self care, you can also find ways to cultivate community care for the same thing. Maybe there are local groups you can help coordinate plus size clothing swaps for so plus size members in your community can get fresh additions to their wardrobe without financial burden. Or maybe there’s an organization like Food Not Bombs you can volunteer for to help others achieve food security–a key component for a good relationship with one’s body. 

Caring for your community is caring for yourself. 

None of us can survive on self care alone. It’s just not possible! You didn’t bring yourself into this world, and just about everything since then has required the help of others. No matter how self-sufficient you are, there will be times when you will need the support of others. 

If you’re interested in learning more ways to get clear on your values, and balance self & community care, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

4 Ways Mindful Breathing Can Help You Feel Better

4 Ways Mindful Breathing Can Help You Feel Better

Are you holding your breath right now?

It might seem surprising, since breathing is the one thing we’ve all been able to do since birth, but many folks have a tendency to hold their breath when they’re stressed or distracted. We breathe automatically for lots of reasons, and one of those reasons is so that we don’t have to waste our mental energy forcing ourselves to breathe to stay alive. While that is certainly handy, one consequence is that it’s easy to tune out your breathing to the point where you don’t notice it. Getting in touch with your breath through mindful breathing can help you feel better during times when you are stressed or upset.  

The first step to practice mindful breathing is to start noticing your breath regularly. You might not even notice when you start holding your breath or breathing shallowly. Shallow breathing often comes up in moments of stress or discomfort, when our bodies are preparing us to fight or flee. Try to notice the times when you’re naturally holding your breath or when your breathing gets shallow. Notice what it feels like in your body when your breathing isn’t as deep. Maybe put a sticky note on your desk to remind you to take deep breaths whenever you notice it. 

What is mindful breathing?

Mindful breathing is pretty much what it sounds like - focusing your attention on your breathing instead of letting it happen without you noticing. Practices like yoga or breath work focus heavily on the breath as a way to connect to the body and can help you to build the habit of tuning in to your breath. These practices can help you incorporate mindful breathing into your life regularly so you have a built in reminder to focus on your breath. 

Mindful breathing doesn’t have to be a whole production, either if that makes it hard to start. It really can be as simple as noticing “Oh hey, I’m holding my breath a lot right now.” and then deciding to take some slow, deep breaths. 

Why mindful breathing is helpful 

Has anyone ever told you to take a deep breath when you’re really upset? It can be frustrating advice because it might not seem like it will actually help, but deep breathing actually has a lot of benefits. Some of the benefits of deep breathing include: 

• Lowered stress levels

• Improved immunity

• Lower blood pressure

• Increased energy

• Better digestion

Here are 4 other ways that mindful breathing can help you feel better in moments of distress: 

Mindful breathing oxygenates the blood

When you take nice deep breaths, you not only give yourself something else to focus on besides your distress, but you take in more oxygen. The oxygen you breathe in is transported around the body from your lungs, which helps your body function more efficiently. This is part of why taking slow deep breaths can boost your energy - you’re properly oxygenating your cells, so they’re ready to be used. 

Mindful breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system

Another reason that mindful breathing helps you feel better is that it activates your parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system, or PNS is the part of your nervous system that comes online in times of calm. Your sympathetic nervous system, on the other hand, is what is activated in times of stress, and it controls your fight or flight response. When your body is stressed and ready for a fight (or flight), your body shuts down certain processes, like digestion, to conserve energy to defend yourself and stay alive. Deep breathing helps your PNS come back online, which restores your body to a state of calm. 

Mindful breathing you become aware of the present moment

In our increasingly distracted world, it’s a powerful skill to be present in the current moment. Mindfulness is a valuable tool that helps you learn how to direct your attention and encourages you not to judge yourself. 

The key with the mindful aspect of mindful breathing is to try to keep yourself focused on your breath. Notice each inhale and exhale and the space in between. Notice how the deep breaths make your body feel. Any other thoughts that come up can be gently pushed away. When you notice your thoughts wandering to other things, just calmly shift your attention back to your breath. 

Mindful breathing directs your focus away from distress

Not only does mindful breathing help to literally calm your body down, but it can be a great distraction. When something is stressing you out or making you uncomfortable, turning your focus onto your breath can help you feel less distress. Paying attention to your breathing and taking deep breaths gives you something else to focus on other than what’s upsetting you, which can help you calm down in the moment. 

The calming effects of breath work that we discussed above help your body calm down in a few different ways, and the space it takes up in your brain to control your breath forces you to shift your focus, which can be helpful in uncomfortable moments. Deep breathing has even been shown to reduce pain! 

It’s powerful to notice how what’s going on in your body influences your mental health. We often think of mental health as being just in the brain, but your whole body has an impact on how you’re feeling, and you can engage your whole body in your healing process. Working with a therapist who approaches healing through a holistic perspective can give you new insight into how to connect what's going on in your mind and body and how to use both to feel like your best self. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

Breaking up With a Friend

There are a lot of reasons we might end a friendship. 

Sometimes, the friendship dissolves itself, with each person growing apart and coming together less and less. Sometimes we’re just friends with people because of circumstances or environment or class, and when we leave those places, the friendships fizzle out themselves. 

But sometimes, ending a friendship is more involved than that. Whether you’ve found you and your friend no longer align on your values, or they aren’t able to support you the way you support them, or boundaries were violated, it’s hard to realize it’s time to move on from the relationship. 

(Not sure if a relationship is healthy anymore? Use these journal questions to reflect on how your different relationships are making you feel.)

When you decide it’s time to end a friendship: 

Sometimes, you may not be ready to fully end the relationship, but the fact that you’re thinking about it shows there are some issues that need to be openly talked about between you and your friend. 

You can let them know you haven’t been feeling supported, or your time together has left you feeling worse than your time apart, or whatever it is that is making you think of ending the relationship, and see if they are able to work through the issues so that you’re both happy and supported. 

If you’re hoping for repair within the relationship, it’s not just going to be one conversation. There will probably be a series of them, but friendship, like any other relationship, is a commitment to continually making sure you’re supporting your friends the way they need support (and making sure you’re asking for that support in return). So if the two of you aren’t willing to do the long term work of intimate friendships, it may be best to thank each other for the time and love you’ve shared, and build your lives apart.  

If you are willing to do that work, you don’t have to do it without support. While most of our culture is focused on romantic relationships, you can get professional support with any type of significant relationship. In the book Big Friendship Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman explore their journey into relationship therapy and what it did to preserve and strengthen their relationship! 

Keep in mind: 

You have had a lot of time to think these things over. This may be the first time your friend is hearing or thinking about them; they will need time to process their own reaction.

You’re allowed to ask to not be part of that processing. Their feelings may be hurt and they may not be able to hear you “objectively” until they’ve made space for their own feelings, but you don’t need to be the one they work that out with. It’s fine to ask them to talk it through with someone else and to rejoin each other when you’re ready to have a constructive conversation. 

You can’t make someone understand you. You can let them know what you’re feeling and hope they hear you, but if they don’t it’s not your job to justify your feelings. Instead, tend to the hurt that comes with not being seen by a loved one, and figure out what will be best for you moving forward (no contact, some contact?) 

Discussing your feelings and vulnerable issues within a relationship is an act of love and takes a lot of vulnerability. Even if there isn’t a “happy” ending to the conversation, be proud of yourself for honoring the relationship enough to be authentic and vulnerable within it.  

If you’re having these feelings, your friendship has already changed. It’s not risking the relationship to let the other person in on what you’re feeling, it’s giving them a chance to be an active participant in your relationship. 

“Breaking up”: 

If you’re not able to find a way to both honor your own needs and stay in the relationship, it’s time to break up. 

We’re given a lot more social scripts and tools for ending romantic relationships, but not platonic ones. But the bones of it aren’t all that different–this is a person who has played a significant role in your life, who you have spent valuable time with, that you now have to say goodbye to. 

Platonic relationships aren’t given much significance in our culture (part of the American individualistic culture that prioritizes upward mobility and building your own life) which is why we don’t talk about platonic breakups, not because they don’t happen–or because they don’t need to happen. And with how common ghosting is within romantic relationships, it’s no wonder that silently exiting friendships seems to be the only way we know how to end all sorts of other relationships, friendships included. 

But friendships are intimate, important relationships. They help us build communities and come into our sense of self, offer places for support and joy and often function as family for those without close blood ties. 

Ending the relationship should be done in a way that honors that significance. 

In season 6 of the show New Girl, one of the main characters, Nick, decides he wants to end his relationship with his girlfriend, Reagan–with no conflict. He fumbles through attempts the entire episode until eventually, he buys them train tickets to San Diego, and gets off at a random stop, abandoning her on the train. Despite achieving his goal (the next time we see Reagan she has come to collect her things from their shared apartment) Nick somehow feels worse than when he decided he needed to break up with her. It’s in this moment that his roommate Aly clues him in as to why: 

“Maybe you feel terrible,” she says, “Because your relationship with Reagan actually meant something to you. And you ended it like it didn’t.” 

When relationships stop fitting in our lives, it doesn’t mean the time spent in them was a waste. We don’t suddenly lose the months or years of joy and love and support we found in that relationship. And ending the relationship should be done with care and intention, just like maintaining the relationship. 

If you’ve already tried to work through things, your friend may not be surprised to hear your relationship is no longer working for you. If you’ve never tried to talk to them about anything, expect them to be surprised. And expect to talk through what has brought you to this point. 

Try to come from a place of love, the love that the two of you shared for so long, and will continue to share from afar. 

When you decide to end a relationship, be gentle with yourself, it’s not an easy thing to do. Ending the relationship doesn’t mean you no longer love the person, just as can be true in romantic breakups, but compatibility is important in platonic relationships. 

To maintain long friendships you need both emotional compatibility and logistical compatibility, just like in romantic relationships (you just likely don’t consider romantic/sexual compatibility). Some friendships end because of logistical compatibility: this is when you can’t make your schedules work or prioritize time for one another, and the friendship sort of fades out. This sort of incompatibility can cause conflict: if you’re constantly making time or space for your friend and they don’t reciprocate, that can also end a relationship, while much less mutual than just “growing apart.” 

Personal/emotional incompatibility is probably what brought the two of you together in the first place. When this compatibility changes, it’s very hard and can bring up a lot of grief. Sometimes we have friendships that have lasted years, decades even, that we don’t have that personal or emotional compatibility or trust with  anymore. Those are often the hardest relationships to say goodbye to, even harder sometimes than ending a romantic relationship. It’s normal to feel grief over big changes, even when you know they are the right changes. 

Saying goodbye

Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table. - Tupac Shakur

It’s hard to say goodbye to any significant person in our lives. Give yourself space to grieve the end of the relationship and all of the ways that will change your life moving forward. 

Try to see the breakup as a way of preserving all of those wonderful memories you share with this friend. Knowing when a relationship no longer works and walking away accordingly can help keep it as a good memory when you’re able to work through your grief and look back. You don’t want to lose all the good the two of you shared, so recognizing that in your breakup can help bring it back to a place of love. 

While your relationship may not work any longer, you can acknowledge all the good your coming together did for each other, and keep those memories in your heart moving forward. 

For tips on how to deal with the end of friendship when it happens, read this blog. If you’re looking for support with the loss of a friendship, our clinicians are here for you. 

5 Ways to Deal with Rumination

5 Ways to Deal with Rumination

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in the same thought loop, no matter how distressing it is? 

When you get stuck in a never ending loop of negative thoughts about a situation, you might be ruminating. This distressing pattern of thinking can be hard to break out of, but there are things you can do to help yourself when you find yourself stuck in rumination. 

What is rumination?

Rumination is “obsessional thinking involving excessive, repetitive thoughts or themes that interfere with other forms of mental activity.”

Rumination is different from other kinds of thinking in that it keeps you focused on the negative and is hard to break out of. Rumination becomes a problem when you can only focus on the negative parts of situations or when your thoughts become excessive or overly repetitive, because it causes distress. 

The key to rumination is that no action is taken to lower the feelings of distress - it just becomes a cycle of obsessive thinking without a solution. 

Why is ruminating unhelpful?

It's not always a bad thing to focus on something. Sometimes, it’s helpful to do some deep thinking about a situation. Thinking about things from the past can help you learn lessons from past mistakes and increase your level of self-awareness. Considering future situations can help you prepare yourself for what’s coming. 

Ruminating doesn’t help with any of these things, because it relies on inaction. When you don’t take action to either apply the lessons you’ve learned or prepare yourself for what’s coming, it’s hard to get out of this negative thought process. Rumination keeps you stuck in a state of worry and distress, instead of allowing you to move forward. 

The next time you get stuck ruminating on a situation, remember you don’t have to stay there. Here are 5 things you can do to stop ruminating and lower your distress: 

Distract yourself

When something distressing is happening to you, it’s okay to distract yourself from it. Distraction isn’t always the best solution to dealing with feelings, because it can lead to ignoring or repressing them, which can have negative consequences. When you’re stuck in a thought pattern that you can’t get out of, though, sometimes the best thing you can do is distract yourself. 

Distraction can help redirect your attention onto something less distressing, so you can break the cycle of rumination. Try watching a new show or movie that has an interesting plot or something complicated you can follow to take your focus away from what’s upsetting you. You can also try exercise, listening to music or a podcast, reading a book or listening to an audiobook, chatting with a friend, making art, cleaning, doing a house project, or even taking a nap. 

Make adjustments as needed 

Sometimes it can be hard to break out of rumination because you wish you had done something differently. Regret is complicated, but it can feel tempting to focus your attention on what went wrong instead of what you can do to prevent it from happening again. 

If this is the case for you, make a point of acknowledging what is painful about the situation. You can even say to yourself, “Wow, I wish I would have done that differently.” Instead of getting stuck in a shame spiral, though, remind yourself that there are things you can do to learn from this experience. Keep those lessons in mind and then try to forgive yourself for what happened. It might take time, but remember that everyone makes mistakes. You’re allowed to make mistakes too, and it doesn’t make you a terrible person. It just makes you human. 

Try a grounding or mindfulness exercise

Rumination is tricky because we often don’t realize it’s happening until we’re in the middle of it. One way to help is to try to bring yourself back to the present moment. A mindfulness practice can be helpful with this, as can grounding exercises. 

Not only will grounding or mindfulness help in the moment, practicing them regularly can help you in the future to redirect your thoughts  before you get too distressed. Grounding can help you become reacquainted with your body in the present moment. One common grounding practice is to use your senses to focus on what’s happening in the moment. Try naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This exercise will not only distract you from the distress of rumination, but it will also help you step out of the negative thought pattern you’re stuck in. The more you practice the easier it will be to use these skills when you need them! 

Stick to a time limit

Even when we have the best intentions to not ruminate on something, it’s easy to find yourself stuck in your thoughts. If you really feel like you need to ruminate on something for a bit, give yourself permission to do so, but set a time limit for yourself. 

Remember, rumination isn’t actually productive or helpful, it just keeps you stuck in the negative. Give yourself 20 minutes to focus on this, and then when the timer goes off, stick to your boundary and move on to something that will actually be helpful. 

Trust and believe in yourself 

Rumination can lead to lowered self-esteem because it keeps you second guessing yourself instead of moving forward. One powerful way to interrupt rumination is to remind yourself that you are capable and to believe in yourself. Think about it: you’ve survived every bad situation or mistake you’ve ever made. Even if you’d do things differently, you still made it through. You’re much more capable than you think and give yourself credit for. Having the confidence in yourself that you can get through anything can be like armor that protects you from the negative effects of rumination. So, you made a mistake. Who hasn’t? You’re still amazing, and you can still handle everything that comes your way. 

If you’re struggling with obsessive or distressing thoughts, working with a therapist can help. You don’t have to say feeling this way forever. Get in touch with our office today to make an appointment and get started. 

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

What Are Repair Attempts in Conflict (and How to Use Them)

Relationship conflict is normal. Everyone is different and no two people will see eye to eye on everything all the time. People grow and change and that can be difficult in relationships when you don’t grow at the same rate. Since all relationships have conflict, learning how to manage conflict in a healthy way is important in adult relationships. Having a fight is not the end of the world. What really matters is how you attempt to repair from that fight, or what kind of repair attempts you and your partner make. 

It’s easy to get so caught up in an argument that you don't realize you’re not able to respond in a productive way until it's far too late. During conflicts, couples often become so flooded with emotion that they can’t work together to find a solution or come to an agreement. Repair attempts can also be useful in interrupting conflicts before partners get to the point where they’re emotionally flooded and can’t move forward. 

Healthy vs unhealthy conflict in relationships

There are different types of conflict in relationships, and conflict can be healthy or unhealthy to the connection of the relationship. It might sound surprising, but lots of arguments that happen in relationships can’t be solved.

Solvable conflicts are disagreements where you can reach a solution, but most conflicts in a relationship are perpetual, meaning they can’t be solved. A big part of relationships is learning how to respectfully live with and love someone who you don’t always agree with. Even when an argument is perpetual, conflict can still happen in a healthy or unhealthy way. 

Signs of unhealthy conflict in relationships:

• The “4 Horsemen” of relationship conflict are known as such because their presence indicates serious peril for couples:

• Contempt

• Stonewalling

• Criticism

• Defensiveness

• Isolation

• Manipulation

• Dishonesty

• Control

• Aggression

• Fear

• A winner or loser 

Signs of healthy conflict in relationships: 

• Repair attempts

• Being gentle with each other

• Considering triggers 

• Meaning making as a unit

• Recognizing the difference between solvable and perpetual conflicts

• Accountability + apologies where necessary 

• Mutual respect 

• Trust 

• No winners or losers

What are repair attempts?

According to The Gottman Institute, which specializes in relationships, repair attempts are “any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. Repair attempts can be humorous or more serious. 

The repair attempts that work for your relationship might look different to what works for a friend or family member, and that’s okay. Every relationship is different. You each bring your own experiences, feelings, attachment styles, and histories to the table, which means it’s up to you both to figure out what works best for you. 

Why repair attempts work during conflict 

When you use a repair attempt during a conflict, it shows your partner that you’re committed to resolving the underlying issue instead of getting caught up in the emotion of the argument. It’s like a signal between the two of you that you’re on the same team, even when you don’t always agree. It’s helpful to be reminded that our partners are on our side, especially when we’re at risk of getting carried away with our emotions. 

Some relationship experts describe repair attempts as a pause or reset button. “When they work, repair attempts are like hitting the reset button. The argument may not be over but the hostility and aggression disappear even though the conflict remains.”

How to make repair attempts during a conflict

So, when you’re experiencing conflict in your relationship, how can you make a repair attempt? There are several ways to go about repair attempts, depending on what your goal is at the moment. 

You may be trying to defuse the tension, let your partner know how you feel about what is being said, interrupt before you get carried away, work toward compromise, apologize, express appreciation for your partner, or something else entirely. 

A repair attempt doesn’t always have to be verbal, either. Since a repair attempt is supposed to be a signal to both parties to pause, it can be as simple as a loving touch on their hand. Some couples even agree that their go-to repair attempt is making a funny face at their partner, as a signal that the conflict has spiraled out of hand and to reel it back in. Others pick a word to say so their partner will know they’re emotionally flooded and need to hit pause. 

Some other examples of repair attempts are: 

• “Can we hit pause on this and come back when we’re calmed down?”

• “I’m overwhelmed and need a break.”

• “What you’re saying makes sense.”

• “I love you.”

• “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

• “Please let me finish what I was saying.”

• “We’re getting off track here.”

• “I feel criticized. Could you say that differently?”

• “I reacted inappropriately. I’m sorry.”

• “Let me try again.”

• “What you just said hurt my feelings.”

• “Can we agree to disagree on this?”

• “We can figure this out together.”

When you’re stuck on what to do as a repair attempt, remember that everyone likes to feel validated. How can you let your partner know that you are actively listening and empathize with their emotions? Keeping that in mind during conflicts can help you figure out how to approach your partner to repair. 

Are you experiencing conflicts in your relationship? Learning how to use repair attempts during arguments can be a game-changer. Working with a couples therapist can help you and your partner find ways to hit pause during conflicts that work for you and your circumstances so you continue to feel like you’re on the same team instead of working against each other. Get in touch with our office today to get started with couples therapy! 

5 Reasons Why Crying is Good For You

5 Reasons Why Crying is Good For You

When was the last time you had a good cry?

Many of us think of crying as a negative thing, but crying is actually an important function, physically and mentally. Crying is an often cathartic release that can improve mood, sleep, and relationships, and lower stress levels when you’re feeling emotionally triggered. 

Not everyone is a crier. While some folks cry easily and regularly, others rarely cry, if at all. 

There are a few reasons for this. First, everyone is different, and everyone experiences emotions differently. Some people are just wired to be more sensitive to crying than others, and that’s okay. A common reason why people are afraid to cry is because they feel like if they start, they’ll never stop. If you never let yourself have the kind of cathartic release that crying can bring, you’ll start to feel overwhelmed by the emotions you’re pushing down.

Others feel that crying is a sign of weakness. It’s also important to point out the gender roles at play here. Women are far more likely to cry than men, and crying is often seen as feminine or unprofessional. According to the American Psychological Association, the average woman cries 30-64 times a year, compared to men who cry 5-17 times a year on average. These beliefs encourage people who cry easily to not be taken seriously, especially in the workplace or in leadership roles. 

Of course, sometimes crying isn’t a positive experience. Sometimes crying is a result of pain or distress that can’t be relieved by tears alone. Context matters with crying - for a good cry, it helps to be somewhere you feel safe and comfortable, rather than somewhere public or with people you don’t know well. It’s much more preferable to cry at home on the couch with your best friend than to cry in a conference room full of strangers. 

What is it about crying that is good for you? Here are 5 reasons: 

Crying relieves stress 

Not only is a bout of crying a helpful emotional release, but it can also help remove stress hormones from your body through your tears. That’s right! Tears actually have functions other than to communicate distress. Research has shown that cortisol, a stress hormone, is released in tears and that crying in and of itself may lower cortisol levels, which can reduce stress in the body. Crying also releases oxytocin and endorphins, both of which can reduce pain and leave you feeling good. 

Crying improves relationships

Crying serves an important function for infants - it alerts their caregivers that they need something. From the time we’re born, crying helps us build connections with others. Vulnerability is scary but it can bring you closer to your loved ones when you experience it together. Think of a time when a loved one was vulnerable and cried in front of you. This can often trigger empathy and leave you feeling even closer than you did before. 

Tears are good for your vision

When you produce tears, they help keep your eyes lubricated and healthy. One type of tear, called reflex tears, are a direct response to debris in the eye. These tears move whatever the dangerous or uncomfortable thing is out of your eye to keep it from becoming irritated or injured. Some people deal with chronic dry eyes, where their eyes don’t produce enough of the moisture needed to stay comfortable and see correctly. Crying can help moisten up your eyes if you struggle with dry eyes. 

Crying is a way to physically process emotions

Crying is often associated with grief and sadness, because it’s a release from those painful emotions. Crying is itself a physical way to process emotions. Our emotions are not just stored in our minds; our bodies hold onto emotion and trauma. This is why engaging the body when approaching healing work can be so helpful. When you’re emotionally activated and you’re feeling out of control, a crying session might help flush out the uncomfortable emotions so you can approach things with a clear head instead of acting without thinking. 

Crying allows you to calm down

Sometimes it’s hard to calm yourself down when you’re feeling emotionally activated. Crying is a way you can practice self-soothing, because it activates your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). When your PNS is online, your body goes into rest mode, and can help you feel more calm. This can help you feel more clear headed and lower the drive to do something out of urgency or because you’re upset. Activating your parasympathetic nervous system can also help improve sleep because it switches your body from fight or flight mode to relax mode, which can make it easier to settle down for the night. 

So, go ahead and have a good cry. You’ll probably feel better afterwards! 

If you’re struggling with your mental health or experiencing a lot of crying that isn’t normal for you, talking with a therapist can be helpful. Get in touch with our office today to book an appointment. 

5 Practices for When You Feel Off and Don't Know Why

Have you ever had one of those days where you’re just feeling off and you don’t know why?

Maybe you feel a bit tired, even if you got enough rest. Maybe you’ve got no appetite, even though you have a fridge full of food you enjoy eating. Maybe you just feel a bit down and aren’t sure why. 

When we’re not feeling good, the best thing to do is to tend to whatever it is that’s causing it. But when we don’t know why we’re feeling off, it can be hard to figure out what self care practices would be helpful, and which would be nice but ultimately ineffective in helping you address the problem. 

While much of self care relies on regular habits–refilling your prescriptions, taking your medication, feeding yourself with food that nourishes your body and soul, making intentional space for relationships, finding joyful and gentle ways to move your body, taking dedicated time outside of your comfort zone, etc–we can still do as needed self care in addition to all of these wonderful habits when we need a little extra care and intention. 

So what can we do when we’re feeling off and don’t know why?

1). Try a body scan 

It might seem silly, but there may be tension, pain or discomfort that you’re not noticing in your body, but that could be impacting you all the same. Something like a headache, if it’s mostly affecting your eyes you may just think you feel tired. Taking time to breathe deeply and go over each part of your body slowly to check in with how it feels can help bring your attention to things you may have been overlooking. This is also a good self-check in practice to incorporate into your regular routine! Try starting or ending your day with one. 

2). Get water and a snack and check in with yourself in 15 minutes 

Being hungry or dehydrated can impact your energy levels, your ability to focus, it can give you head or stomach pains, leave you feeling achy all over, worsen your mood and more. When you can’t figure out why you’re feeling “off” get yourself a big glass of water and a filling snack, like peanut butter toast or a protein bar. Then check in with yourself in ten or fifteen minutes to see how you’re feeling. It may just be that your attention wasn’t present in your body and you weren’t noticing your hunger or thirst cues. 

3). Release what’s on your mind

If there’s something nagging at the back of your mind, it could be throwing you off. Even if you think it’s not a big deal, pushing away our feelings never makes them go away. It’s possible that neglected emotional discomfort could be yelling for your attention through physical discomfort. Take a few minutes to write a stream of consciousness in a journal, or call a friend you can vent to, in order to release those feelings. Choosing someone you trust to talk to about it can also help you gain perspective on whatever you’re experiencing, but even just voicing the feelings out loud helps to relieve how all consuming they can feel. 

4). Try to sit with the feeling

Instead of brushing it off as an “off day” after you’ve given other self care a try, really take time trying to sit with that feeling to find where it’s coming from. Are you unhappy? Are you resentful? Are you bored? Maybe that off feeling isn’t so much about something happening right now, but a more general discontentedness with some area of your life. Ask yourself, what parts of the day do you feel this “off” feeling the most strongly? Is there anyone who helps to ease it? Anyone to exacerbates it? Are there parts of your daily routine where you can’t seem to focus on anything but that “off” feeling? You may need a change in your life. Getting curious about when and how you feel that “off” feeling can help lead you to areas of your life that maybe need more intention from you. Perhaps the communication in your relationship hasn’t been as intimate or connected as you would like, and that’s leaving you feeling off centered, even if nothing is technically “wrong.” For this sort of exercise, remind yourself there is no right or wrong way to feel. If you’re not feeling content with something, that doesn’t mean you’re greedy or ungrateful, it just means you’re ready to find something that will work better with you. 

5). Take the day off from your regular responsibilities 

A sick day or a mental health day, or just a day where you turn your phone off and don’t look at any notifications that pop up. Clear your day for rest and rejuvenation. When you’re not bogged down by responsibilities, where are you naturally drawn? Maybe you sincerely do want to do some mindful chores, to take care of your space as a way to thank it for taking care of you. Maybe you want to focus on your physical wellbeing and have a nice long shower, go for a walk, do some stretching, and cook a big nourishing meal. Instead of trying to solve the problem of what’s “wrong”, give yourself permission to follow what calls to you–you may be unknowingly meeting some of those neglected needs!  

If you want some extra figuring out where this feeling is coming from, working with a therapist can help you. Give our office a call today to get more information or to schedule an appointment. 

4 Ways to Deal with New Year Overwhelm

4 Ways to Deal with New Year Overwhelm

The new year is an overwhelming time, especially when you’re chronically online as most of us are. There’s always a huge frenzy of self-improvement at the new year, and it can be hard to escape on social media, at the office, and from friends and family. 

It makes sense that people are tempted to make big changes at the new year. Changing from one year to the next is a natural fresh start, and lots of people like to mark that new start with some new habits or goals. However, it’s important to remember that you can start something new or decide on a new goal anytime during the year, not just around January 1st.

This time of year is also typically pretty busy on its own, so adding major lifestyle changes to that can be completely overwhelming. Lots of folks are back in the office in the new year after a break, with mounting workloads from their time off or working seasonal jobs that take away free time, which leads to even more stress. 

Are you looking for ways to be less overwhelmed in the new year? Here are 4 ways to deal with New Year overwhelm: 

Don't expect your whole life to change with the change of the date

There’s a lot of pressure this time of year for a “new year, new you” where you erase all bad habits and pick up new ones almost effortlessly to improve your life. Remember, it’s not reasonable to change everything about yourself overnight. (And even if you did, then you wouldn't be you, which would be no good.)

If January 1st is looming over you and you feel like you have to do something major in the new year, remember that time is made up. Of course, time does pass, but the way we structure time is a man-made system. You can do anything you want to at any time, not just when the calendar changes to a new year. Some people prefer to use the start of the school year to kick off new habits or goals. Others use their birthdays, and some people just start on random days when they decide on a new goal. It’s up to you, not to anyone else.  

Connect with what you really want to do

Are there any habits or goals that would actually make a difference in your life? It’s okay to want to form new habits, and setting goals is a huge part of life. It’s just tricky to narrow down what you actually want in all the New Year’s Resolution noise from other people. If you genuinely want to see what your month would be like if you changed your relationship with alcohol, try a new year challenge like Dry January. If you’re feeling pressured into it from your social circle, give it some more thought or skip it. 

Ask yourself what would actually feel good to you and what would work with your current lifestyle. Small changes are more sustainable over long periods and can go a long way toward building your confidence, and when the changes you make are aligned with your goals and values, it’s a lot easier to maintain over the long term. 

Take things slowly

Building new habits, unfortunately, takes time. When you work on changing your habits slowly, you not only have more chances for success, but you also build confidence and allow your brain to master this new skill. Our brains do a lot of work, and so when it can find a shortcut to take to send messages, it will use them. Your current habits are wired into these shortcuts, or neural pathways, and so your new habits will have to build their own pathway. This takes time and repetition. Once your brain learns this new shortcut, the habit will feel like it’s second nature. 

The same is true for goals. It’s exciting to set a new goal and to have something to work toward, but it’s important to make a plan for your goal so you don’t get overwhelmed and abandon it. Break goals down into small pieces that you can take action on and build off of, instead of trying to do everything at once. 

Adjust your expectations for yourself and practice self-compassion

You might notice that many of our blog posts suggest practicing self-compassion. We repeat it all of the time because most of us are suffering from a serious lack of self-compassion and it doesn’t need to be that way. Learning how to be kind to yourself and have your own back, no matter what is going on is a life changing skill. 

Most of us are mean to ourselves automatically, without even realizing it. Negative self-talk can be really surprising when you learn how to notice it, because it might not even have occurred to you that you feel that way about yourself. When you notice what automatic thoughts come up about yourself, try to respond to them with compassion rather than with judgment.

It takes time, but you can get in the habit of interrupting those negative thoughts when they come up. When you know that no matter what happens, you have your own back and you will be kind to yourself, things feel a lot less scary. 

Are you feeling overwhelmed with 2023 only a few days away? This time of year is tricky for almost everyone, so remember that there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.

If you want some extra support during this time, working with a therapist can help you get clear on your goals and values and how best to get started. Give our office a call today to get more information or to schedule an appointment. 

4 Ways to Accept a Slower Pace in the Winter Season

4 Ways to Accept a Slower Pace in the Winter Season

Winter is here, and with it is a season that leaves many of us feeling confused. 

Around us, the world begins to slow down, but we carry on with the same pace we keep in the warmer months. The days are shorter, but instead of lessening our loads, we often work from dawn to dusk or later and wonder why we’re so tired. Accepting a slower pace in the winter might seem impossible, but slowing down for the season can make a huge difference in your mental health. 

In addition to the stress of the end of the year and the holiday season, many people deal with Seasonal Affective Disorder at this time of year. There are lots of theories as to why winter plays a role in Seasonal Affective Disorder. It may have something to do with a lack of Vitamin D from sunlight in the darker months, especially if you live in the northern hemisphere. We are affected by our environments, even if we like to imagine that with modern technology we’re past being at the mercy of Mother Nature. 

What is rest? 

If you’re not sure how to actually get real rest, you’re not alone. Lots of times, this is because rest isn’t what we think it is. Rest can be defined as “ceasing work and worry, or being, rather than doing.”

Real rest is different from the type of rest we often imagine. Rest isn’t just sleeping or not doing work. We might think of rest as sitting in front of the TV with a favorite show on, scrolling social media, but that isn’t actually a restful activity, and it does nothing to replenish us when we need it. By this time of the year, many of us are feeling burned out or wondering where our sense of inspiration or play has gone. 

We are animals, just like all the ones around us, and we have different needs in each season. The capitalist way we live and work, which focuses on money above all else, requires us to abandon our needs in order to keep working, so many of us don’t feel like we have any other option. Most of us don’t have the option to lighten our workloads in the winter, which can make it harder to listen to the needs of your body during this season. 

What if instead of struggling against the expectations you have for yourself this winter, you allow yourself to slow down and adopt the pace that feels comfortable for you? Here are 4 ways to accept a slower pace in the winter season: 

Change Your Expectations

Explore where you can scale back during the winter months. You might think it’s silly to try to lighten your load this winter because you’ve made it through every winter before this one. Just because you made it through doesn’t mean it was less of a burden to keep up your summer activity level in the wintertime. You deserve to have real, quality rest and replenishment so that you can feel your best throughout the rest of the year. 

When you accept that rest can be as important as work, it feels easier to allow yourself to rest. Rest is work, even. When we don’t rest as we should, we become burned out, irritable, and uninspired. By making time for rest regularly, you ensure that you are rejuvenated and ready to handle what comes your way. When you don’t make time for rest, your body will find a time, and it’s probably going to be as inconvenient as possible. Be proactive and rest before your body tells you it needs it. 

Prioritize rest

As mentioned above, rest is complicated and most of us aren’t very good at it. There is too much going on all of the time for many of us to fully relax or turn off our brains. This is a time of year that was designed for rest though. Look at the animals in your neighborhood who are much less active in the winter than in the summer. Lots of them even hibernate during the winter, because it’s better for survival to shut down for a few months than to struggle all winter to feed themselves. 

Take a leaf out of Mother Nature’s book this year and change the way you think about rest. What are activities that leave you feeling rested, rejuvenated, and relaxed? Try setting time limits on certain apps on your phone to help lessen the temptation to scroll. If you’re not sure where to start with rest, focus on your body. Where is there tension or sensation? What does your body need in the moment to feel rested? Listening to your body’s needs can help guide you toward rest that’s actually restful. 

Lean on your connections with others

We are social beings as humans, and so making connections with others comes naturally to us. It feels healing to make secure connections with others. This is especially true in hard or lean times, which winter often is. Throughout human history, people have been working together to survive the winter and we’re no different. We need community and connections to feel like our best selves. It can feel way harder to be social in the winter, so this is often something that people put on the back burner until the weather is nice again. 

This year, see how you can lean on the connections you have with others during the winter. Try to focus on spending time with people who make you feel calm, safe, and validated. If it feels okay to you, explain that you struggle in the winter and are trying to lean on your support system during this time. Lots of people also have a hard time during the winter, so being open about how you experience winter may even make them feel better about how they feel in the wintertime. 

Find moments of joy in the season

Winter can seem bleak or unforgiving, but there will always be moments of joy that you can pick up on, no matter what the season is. Some people find the way the snow falls in the winter to be really beautiful and moving. Others enjoy the holidays that come with the winter season. Do your best to be on the lookout for moments of joy this winter. Maybe it’s watching your dog jump through snow piles like a bunny. Maybe it’s making a big batch of warm soup for someone you care about. Maybe it’s the way light sparkles on the snow. 

Holding onto these moments of joy and beauty can help you feel more capable of handling the darkness that comes with this season. If you want, you can start a photo album or note on your phone where you keep track of the things that brought you joy recently. That way, in less-joyous moments, you can look back through and remind yourself that the darkness doesn’t last forever. 

Are you struggling to keep up with the demands of everyday life during the winter? You’re not alone, and working with a therapist can help give you an outlet and find ways to cope in the winter months. Reach out to our office today for more information or to schedule an appointment with one of our clinicians.